All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s05e08 A Crime Most Foul

Ah, Carol.

Do you know what time it is exactly?

Yeah, exactly. Three hours till lunch.

Is that all you ever think about?

No. Sometimes I think about you.

Oh. But then I can't eat lunch.

Don't you want to see what I got?

Big deal. I got two of them.

No, no. My new digital watch here.

You see, it tells you the time exactly
right up to the second.

It is now 9 .08.

47. 48.

49.

50. Morning.

1, 2, 3.

Jerry's learned to count.

5.

6. You must be very proud.

No, no, no. See, I was showing Carol my
new digital watch. Ah, you haven't seen

my new tape recorder. It has three
speeds, has an automatic counter, and a

lifetime battery. Yeah, well, you see,
this baby not only gives you the time,

the day, and the date, but also tells
you the temperature and the wind

Did I show you my new paperclip holder?

It holds paperclips.

It has battery recharger and extra -long
mic cord.

Would you like to see the stapler to end
all staplers?

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving.

Ah, incidentally, the barometer is
rising.

Oh, let's run.

Well, I can't care. I'll have to get
ready for my group. Well, your group's

there already, Bob. You're late. I am.

What time is it? Did I hear someone say
what time is it?

time is it, Jerry? It is exactly 78
degrees.

Well, good morning, Dr. Hartley. Do you
know what time it is?

No, I don't, but it's getting warmer.

Typical vague psychologist answer.

Well, I'm sorry I'm late, but let's pick
up where we left off last time. Oh,

great. Where were we?

I was telling how I won World War II.

I thought you were a cook in the
Marines.

on their stomachs. That's probably why
it took them so long to get to Iwo Jima.

What's that thing?

Oh, this is my new tape recorder. I
thought we'd start taping some of our

sessions. This smacks of Watergate.

What comes next? Steaming open our mail?

I didn't mean to stir up such a hornet's
nest. I just thought it might be

interesting to see how we interrelate as
a group.

I'm not sure I want anybody listening to
what I say.

Don't worry, Mr. Hurd. Nobody... Nobody
listens to you.

That's good. How do we know those tapes
won't fall into the wrong hands?

There are people who pay a lot of money
for the secrets of Emil Peterson.

I wouldn't give you a plug nickel.

Well, you're just going to have to trust
me. I wouldn't be careless with this

machine any more than I'd leave my
notebook lying around.

That recorder could help me with my
sales work. You know, I could take the

presentation here, and then everybody
could give me tips on how to improve

myself, huh?

I'll give you a tip.

Quit your job and join a circus.

What an exciting idea.

He could be the daring young man on the
flying trapeze. Or an elephant.

All right, why don't we leave that up to
Mr. Hurd? Let's start taping the

session. Who wants to start? I would.
All right.

Just a moment. And go.

It was a hot spring day.

The scent of victory was in the air. And
the scent of Corporal Emil Peterson's

famous Leatherneck Stew was on the
breath of the 101st Marine Battalion as

stormed to victory and won the war.

And that's the way it was.

April 12th, 1943.

Thank you.

Hello?

Why don't you go with that thought, Mrs.
Bakerman?

Hello?

Anything that's on your mind, anything
that's bothering you.

Mrs. Bakerman, I can't hear what you're
saying.

But this is a personal problem.

It's no concern of yours.

Could you say something that we could
all listen to?

All right.

Hello?

Bob,

what are you doing?

Nothing.

You trying to record me talking in my
sleep?

You don't talk in your sleep. You, uh,
you snore.

No. Your nostrils were flaring.

You woke up just in the nick of time.
Oh, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Well, there'll be other nights.

Right, no other nights.

You know, Bobby, you're really going
overboard with this thing.

Last night, you taped yourself gargling.

I was just testing the fidelity of the
mic. This is just like all the other

gadgets you buy. In a week, it's going
to wind up in the back of the closet.

Not this, baby.

This baby is a very expensive
professional tool of my trade. How

Well, it doesn't matter. It's
deductible. How deductible, Bob?

It's pretty deductible. How much, Bob?

Do you have to keep calling me Bob?

All right.

How much, Lyle?

420.

$420 for a toy? This is not a toy.

Testing one, two, three, four. Testing
one, two, three, four.

Pilot to bombardier. Pilot to
bombardier.

Over and out.

Are you going to sleep?

No, I'm just going to lie here and let
my nostrils flow.

If you start snoring, we'll be right
here.

Will you get that thing out of here?

All right, I'm going to put it to bed.

Don't call it a thing. It's my friend.

Well, then why don't you pour her a warm
glass of milk?

Maybe the left one, a little.

Good night, Emily.

I was just dictating a letter.

Hi, dear. How was your squash game?

Confusing. I should have brought along
my tape recorder.

You could have recorded the sounds of
sweat.

what the instructor said. I know he said
to put the two knees together and swing

them to the left, swing them to the
right, put the left foot out, and you

it back.

Who's your squash teacher, Arthur
Murray?

Pow!

Pow! Pow!

Pow! Connie, could you squash somewhere
else?

Julia Child is going to do something
with a chicken that's never been done on

television before.

My family hour?

Bob, I want to write this down.

You won't have to write it down. If I
can find my tape recorder, you can

it. I think it was in the den.

It's not in the den, honey. I just
cleaned there.

Then where is it?

Oh, honey, hurry, hurry. She's got her
cleaver poised.

I feel like I'm playing beat the
chicken.

No,

it isn't there.

Well, I can't find it anywhere.

Good.

Maybe it's in the kitchen. Yeah, look in
the freezer.

Okay,

where'd you hide my tape recorder,
Emily?

What?

You hid my tape recorder so I couldn't
prove that you snore.

Oh, Bob, don't be ridiculous.

Well, then where is it?

Well, you probably mislaid it.

I've never mislaid anything in my life.

What about the time you drove off with
the briefcase on top of the car?

That wasn't mislaid. I knew exactly
where it was.

It's probably in your car or in the
office.

Uh -uh.

It's been stolen.

Oh, Bob, who would steal it?

You want to search me?

It wouldn't be foolish enough to have it
on you. Oh, honey.

Why would I be helping you look for it
if I'd taken it?

All right, for argument's sake, let's
assume you didn't steal it. Well, I'm

going to assume that.

Then who did steal it? Well, why stop at
accusing your wife? Why don't you

accuse your best friend?

Jerry does have shifty eyes.

Did you see what Julia Child just did to
that chicken?

No, I was being grilled.

Well, you're luckier than that chicken.

Where is it, Howard?

I don't know.

Howard, you know, it isn't right to take
somebody else's property. I want it

back.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here's your... Here's your pen.

That isn't what I meant.

Oh.

the medicine cabinet?

No, my tooth was bothering me.

Oh, yeah, well, I heard the pain goes
away if you kneel on a countertop.

Actually,

Carol, I'm missing my tape recorder. I
think Jerry might have taken it.

You think Jerry's a thief?

You know, he might have accidentally
picked it up and, you know, put it in

of his drawers, actually.

You mean by accident.

Yeah. Or maybe he copped it.

Oh, well, that's just crazy. You might
just as well suspect me.

You know, I'm just sort of checking
everybody out to avoid any suspicions in

mind, you know?

I mean, you know, I know there's nothing
in this drawer, so I don't even have to

open it.

Nothing. I guess that clears Jerry.

Well, I never, you know, I never really,
really suspected him.

Mike, my tape recorder!

You know,

I've known Jerry for eight years, and
now he seems like a stranger.

Carol, what do we really know about
Jerry?

Well, he's an orphan, and he's a
dentist, and he's been a good friend.

Not much to go on, is it?

One thing I do know, Jerry stealing is a
cry for help.

You'd better stand by him, Carol.

Well, why don't you let him keep the
tape recorder?

No, this is my tape recorder.

Well, I don't believe Jerry would do
something like this.

Carol, you're so naive.

I wonder if maybe there aren't some
other things missing around the office.

You know, come to think of it, I can't
find my stapler or my letter opener.

Well, I borrowed those.

Oh, hi.

How's it going on?

Just admiring your new tape recorder.
Yeah. It looks just like Bob's. Yeah.

Only mine costs 90 bucks less.

I got it on sale. Here's the bill. Read
it and weep.

Good deal. Yeah.

So, what are you two doing in here,
anyway?

I just stopped by to deliver your mail.

Yeah, and I was helping her.

Tell me the two of you carried this up
all by yourselves.

I carried the heavy.

I must have... I must have pulled
something.

Here you go. Try that check.

Good.

Howard's not at home. There's no answer.
Now give me the extra key for his

apartment. Bob, now he told you he did
not take that tape recorder.

A quick search will confirm that. You
could be arrested for breaking and

entering. Howard is not going to arrest
me. I'm his best friend.

Uh, excuse me. Do you have an extra key
to my apartment? I locked myself out.

Here it is, Howard.

Thank you.

Let me help you, Howard. It's okay. I
can let myself in.

Well, I just haven't seen your apartment
for a long time. You know, maybe you

redecorated, maybe you added something.
Something about that big with lifetime

batteries and a long mic cord.

You still think I took that tape
recorder, don't you?

I never stole anything my whole life.

Well, I did steal something once, but...
Well, I didn't get caught, so it

doesn't count.

Besides, I was an Eagle Scout.

Congratulations, Howard.

Oh, thank you, honey.

Howard, don't you think you're
protesting a little too much? If I

mirror to take a tape recorder, I could
have picked one up cheap in Japan.

You see, Bob... I don't believe I ever
mentioned the brand name.

Well, I saw it on the tape recorder when
you showed it to me.

Nice try, Howard, but the label was in
Japanese. I don't believe you read

Japanese.

Well, I recognize the case. Are you sure
it was in a case?

I don't remember.

Aha!

You believe me, don't you, Emily?

I mean, I was a... I mean, I was a
homeowner in school, and I was... Well,

an altar boy in church, and I'd take a
shower every day.

If that doesn't prove that I don't
steal, I mean, I don't know what does.

Howard, that's our magazine.

I know it.

All right, I don't believe Howard took
it.

Good. At last you've come to your
senses.

Well, it narrows it down to one of the
members of my group.

Well, you're a psychologist, Bob. Have
them arrested.

See, that's easy for you to say, Emily.
You've never had anything stolen.

Oh, that's not true, Bobby.

You stole my heart before you started
acting like an idiot.

Well, I may be acting like an idiot, but
I have a reason.

Idiots don't need reasons.

Well, this idiot does.

It's a very good reason.

It happened in my childhood.

You fell on your head?

I used to have a harmonica. I could play
Pop Goes the Weasel like one of the

harmonica cats. Oh, yeah? Which one?

I don't know. The one that played the
real long one.

Oh, Al.

It doesn't make any difference. And one
day I came home from school and it was

missing. And I figured my best friend
Herb Broda stole it. And my mother said

had just mislaid it. And then I found
out the truth.

Herbie stole it. No, my mother stole it.

She couldn't stand Pop Goes the Weasel.

Well, I can understand that.

I guess that's the reason I'm acting
like an idiot.

Sorry if you think it's irrational.

Oh, honey, I understand.

Don't you feel better talking about it
now?

Yeah. I do feel better. Oh, good.

My mother hasn't been over here lately,
has she?

You're probably wondering why I called
you all here today.

Why? It's our regular session.

Right.

Are you feeling okay, Dr. Hartley?

Sure, I'm fine. It's just that my tape
recorder has vanished.

I thought maybe one of you made a
mistake and took it home with you.

You know, maybe you got mixed up and
thought it was your coat or your purse.

You think one of us took it?

I didn't say that. He thinks one of us
took it.

Why don't you get out the rubber hose?

When I was in grammar school, someone
stole my teacher's paperweight.

And my teacher said that she was going
to leave the room and she hoped that the

paperweight would be back on her desk
when she came back.

You could try that.

Well, she was out.

Someone set fire to her desk.

Well, I'm sure if anyone in the group
had taken it, they'd speak up. After

our group is based on trust and honesty.

I took it.

Are you Mr. Hearn?

I can't help myself.

I've been stealing gadgets for years.

They won't allow me in an appliance
store anymore.

I'll call the folks. Sit down.

Go ahead and call them, Mr. Carlin. A
person like me should be removed from

society.

Mr. Hurd, just bring that tape recorder
back.

Okay.

What does it look like?

I mean, my whole basement's full of tape
recorders.

You didn't take it, did you, Mr. Heard?
No.

Yeah, I was covering for Mrs. Baker when
I thought she took it.

I think it was Mr. Carlin.

Peterson's built like a thief.

I still think it's Heard. All right, all
right. Can we go on with our session?

And if anybody feels unusually guilt
-ridden about any particular thing,

we'll... We'll stop and discuss it at
that particular time.

Where are my knitting needles?

I took them.

Look, I can't take any more of this.
I'll write you a check for the tape

recorder. Look, Mr. Carlin, this is my
problem. I'll handle it. How much is it?

$420.

You're right. It is your problem.

You could write me a check for my
knitting needles.

Look, can we try to get going on the
session?

Where's my notepad?

I took it.

I know how we can find out who the crook
is. We'll give everybody a lie detector

test.

I have a better idea.

Let's vote.

Just forget it.

It's a stupid machine and I really
didn't like it that much.

What's that cord hanging out of your
coat sleeve?

Oh, that's something new. This is a
raincoat microphone.

Can we get on with the session?

How can we get on with it? Our group's
based on trust, and you don't trust us.

Well, I have a confession to make.

You stole my knitting needles.

No, I brought my raincoat down to the
office last week. I thought it was going

to rain, and it didn't, and I left it
here.

The recorder is behind my raincoat.

It's really kind of funny, isn't it?

No.

I really feel like a fool.

Why don't you go with that, Dr. Hartman?

There must be some reason you acted like
an idiot.

You never needed a reason.

There is a reason, and a very good
reason. It happened in my childhood.

I had this harmonica and someone stole
it.

I took it.

Here it comes.