Original subtitles

Good morning, Bernie.

There's no time for that, Carol. I'm late. I'm late.

For a very important date?

I need copies of these medical records.

Three of everything in red, four of everything in green, and five of

in blue.

Well, why don't I just do them all in plaid?

Just do them as soon as you can, Carol, please.

Uh, Carol, drop everything you're doing right now and make up 11 copies of this

letter for me, please. Wait a minute. I was here first.

I happen to be a doctor, and this letter is official medical business.

Oh, well, since you're a doctor.

Wait a minute. I'm a doctor, too.

Well, then act like one and wait your turn.

It is my turn.

Carol, you do my copies first.

I love a sense of humor in a dwarf, don't you, Carol?

Who are you calling a dwarf?

Just make the copies. It's very important.

Oh, to whom it may concern, send one bottle of scotch to the first name on

list. And within two weeks, you should receive 128 bottles.

That's for medicinal purposes.

Morning, troops.

Run down the cleaners for me, will you, Carol? No, she can't. She has to make up

11 copies of a very important document for me.

If that's another booze chain letter, don't bother mailing me one. Make it 10

copies, Carol.

is right now before they get too crowded. She can't go now. She's doing

something for me. After she does something for me.

Look, I need my suede smock and I need it now.

First my copies, then the smock. No, first the smock, then your copies.

Copies. Smock.

It should be my copies and then Phil's copies and then smock. The next guy who

lays a hand on me gets a smock in the throat.

Oh, I mean it.

Touch me and you're all dead.

Carol, would you get in touch with Mr. Peterson, please?

Well, that does it. I quit.

No, I'm serious, Carol. I have to talk to him.

Get yourself another whipping boy.

Well, you really know how to handle people, don't you, Bob?

I hope you're satisfied. You have a real vicious streak in you.

If you hadn't stormed off that elevator right now, barking your commands at poor

Carol, she'd still be here.

Now we'd have to replace her.

Well, just wait. She'll be back. She quits once a year. Well, let's replace

anyway. I have an idea for a replacement.

How about my Tippy? Your what?

My wife, Tippy. Tippy's a touch typist.

Tippy's a touch fat.

If we're going to hire anyone, we ought to hire a minority person.

Tippy's a minority?

That's right. She's the wife of a dwarf.

if you don't mind, Bob has just caused our secretary to quit.

Well, look what the cat dragged in. I thought you'd be back.

Hold the elevator for me, would you please?

Thank you so much.

Carol, don't you think you're acting just a bit... Hasty.

Nice going, Bob. You did it again.

I'm going after her.

While you're down there, Bob, pick up my smock.

Copies. Copies, copies, smock.

That's it. I quit.

Oh. Hi, Howard.

Oh. Hi, Emily.

Oops.

Oh, boy, it smells delicious. What is it?

Oh, it's Swiss steak.

Oh.

There we are.

What's the difference between Swiss steak and American steak?

Swiss steak has holes in it.

That's a surprise for you and Bob, but I don't want to open it up till Bob gets

here. Oh, okay.

I can't wait. Let's open it.

Oh, you're going to love this.

Wait till you see this.

Yeah, I was in the unclaimed cargo sale.

I can't believe nobody would claim that.

Well, there's no counting for taste.

I'm going to show you something. You see this?

Clock up here, this tells the time in Tokyo, and this tells the time in

and this the time in Berlin, and this here is broken.

Howard, what if I want to know what time it is in Chicago?

Just look at your watch.

Well, it was a sweet thought.

Well, I'm going to find a way to pay you two for all those dinners I had over

here. Oh, Howard, what better way? Thank you, darling. Sweet.

At it again, huh?

Mind if I horn in on your territory?

Well, make it quick. We're having Swiss steak.

Got holes in it?

How was work?

Oh, Carol put today for the fifth time in five years.

That's almost once a year.

Well, I rounded it off.

Well, did you talk to her after it happened? Well, I tried to catch her,

had the fastest elevator.

And I tried to reach her at home on the phone, but her line was busy for three

hours.

Come to think of it...

Your line was busy for three hours.

What happened?

I have a feeling I should ask Emily.

Well, I don't know all the details, but it seems it was Carol on one side, Phil,

Bernie, and Jerry on the other side, and guess who in the middle?

Who?

Mom. I wasn't going to say that.

Why do I always wind up in the middle?

Tradition.

She feels that she's overworked and underpaid, and there are going to have

some changes made before she comes back, you know, like less work and more pay.

You've met my wife, George Meany?

She's always been nice to me.

There are some other minor grievances.

Oh, I love grievances.

No more outside personal errands, picking up, cleaning, typing personal

calling girlfriends, etc.

One hour off for lunch expandable to one and a half hours on special days.

Like days with vowels in them?

Of course, she'll have her birthday off, and there'll certainly be no work on

legal holidays.

Will she be in on St. Swithin's Day?

Wouldn't count on it.

Harbor Day?

Still in committing.

Groundhog Day?

Only if she sees her shadow.

Well, I'm glad you didn't get involved.

Well, I'm just trying to make it easier for the rest of you.

Well, thanks, Emily. I appreciate it.

The problem is, Carol works for too many people.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe she should work for just two of us.

I doubt if she'd work for me and Newman.

Probably me and Jerry.

Or me and Tupper.

Or she could just work for you.

No, that'd be too much of a good thing.

Okay, now that that's settled, let's eat, okay?

Sure.

Oh, Bob.

Bob, look what we got.

Oh, yeah.

What do you think?

Isn't that beautiful?

What the hell is it?

Bob, it's a present from Howard.

Yeah, can you believe that was unclaimed?

I guess the real owners had to get back to their own planet.

We love it, Howard. We really do.

There's a legend behind this.

Oh, really?

Yeah. See that?

Read it.

Hi, I'm Brad, your Buddha clock.

Rub my belly and your wish will be granted.

Go ahead, Bob. Rub his belly.

I'm not going to rub the belly of a strange Buddha.

Oh, come on, Bob. Wish for the thing you want most.

Did your wish come true?

No, it's still there.

Now, let me see if I have this right, Bob.

Now, we all draw straws and the losers get stuck with Carol, is that it?

No, that isn't right, Phil. When she shows up, she's going to choose two of

Well, I'd just like to say to those who aren't chosen by Carol that in addition

to touch typing, Tippy is an expert on shorthand.

Living with you, she'd be an expert on anything short.

Okay, can we get on with this? I've got a patient in my chair who I gave

instructions not to swallow until I get back. Well, and why do we need a

secretary anyway? I mean, do we really need one?

Can it be that difficult? Come on.

Hello, Rimpow Medical Arts.

Hello? Hello?

Yeah, I think we need a secretary, Phil.

Hello?

Yes? Oh, hello.

Uh, no.

No, he isn't. Right.

Who was that?

It was nothing. It was Tippy.

You hung up on her? She'll kill me. I can live with that.

Good morning, Carol. Bob.

Oh, uh, good morning, Carol.

Bernie. Carol. Chair.

I don't have all day.

Phil.

Phil, I think a little consideration would be in order.

After all, people's feelings are at stake here. I know this has been a very

difficult choice for Carol to make. Not really.

Just take your time.

I'm going to work for Bernie and Jerry.

Well, that settles it. I'm sorry, fellas.

She has made her decision.

A decision is a decision. I know that sometimes this can be a bitter pill to

have to swallow, but...

Bernie and Jerry?

Yeah.

Well, Bob, we're off the hook.

You know, for a minute there, I thought you were going to pick me.

I was, Phil, but we'd have so much fun, we'd never get any work done.

Well, Bob, why don't we get together a little later and discuss our new

secretary, okay?

Bernie and Jerry?

Well, at least you could have Tippy come in for an interview.

It's fine with me. Have her see the janitor.

Oh, my God.

Swallows.

Can I do anything for you, Bob?

No, you don't have to do anything for me.

Hello.

One of your bosses is calling.

See you later, Bob.

Bernie and Jerry?

Bob, are you going to sit on the couch and pout all night?

No, I may go into the den a little later.

But you are going to pout.

You bet I am, and I have a good reason. You know, I'm a little short on staff at

the office.

Oh, Bob, it's only been one day.

It's been a long day, and it's getting longer.

Oh, I know how you feel.

Do you, Emily? Do you really? Your secretary didn't dump you in midstream.

Well, didn't you get a temporary replacement?

Yeah, but I think somebody at the employment agency hates me.

They sent me Debbie Flett again.

She doesn't even remember my name. She's totally inept.

I had to answer my own phone, sharpen my own pencils, make my own coffee. You

had to do all that by yourself?

Oh, well, no wonder. You've got a right to pout. You're darn tootin'. Well,

maybe you should have hired Tippy.

She turned us down. Phil would only offer a dollar.

You know, I do feel a little bit responsible.

Do you, Emily? Do you really?

Yes, I do.

Slightly. Slightly? How about entirely?

Bob, where are you going?

I'm going over here to pout. This is my favorite pouting chair.

You know, Bob, you're taking this much too personally. I mean, sometimes you

have to deal with not being the one that's chosen.

Do I, Emily? Do I really?

Yes, Bob, you do.

Well, I can deal with that. Well, when are you going to start?

When I was a kid, I liked to play basketball. I liked to play basketball a

because I was good, you know. I mean, I wasn't a star, but I was good, real

good.

A lot of people thought that I was a star, but I thought I was good.

Real good.

You know, sometimes there's a very thin line between being good, real good, and

being a star.

Got it, Bob.

You liked to play, and you were probably a star.

Exactly.

So this one day, we're choosing upsides, and I had this brand -new basketball

with George Mikan's autograph on it. Who's George Mikan?

You don't know who George Mikan is?

Where were you from 1948 to 1954?

Busy.

Anyway, we're choosing upsides, and there were two of us for this one spot.

Me. Oh, practically.

Star.

Star.

And David Buxbaum. And he stunk.

And they picked David.

And I... I dealt with it.

You took your ball and you went home.

Have I told you this story ever?

On our wedding night, you were stalling.

I wasn't stalling. I just didn't want to... come on like an animal.

not fusing you bothered you so much, why don't you talk to her about it?

Well, I'm sure she has her reasons.

Although I can't imagine what they'd be.

Oh, neither can I.

You have beautiful blue eyes.

Wonderful disposition.

The patience of a saint.

And you're an excellent dancer.

True.

But I don't think Carol cares about that.

Well, I do.

You're definitely a star.

Right. Come on, let's eat.

Well, I can poke just as well on a full stomach.

You know, an interesting thing happened when I came home from work tonight.

I found this in the laundry basket as if somebody were trying to hide it.

I wasn't trying to hide it. I just thought it ought to be worth.

You know, maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe instead of being mad at Carol, I should be...

You know, happy for the great years we've had together. Instead of pouting,

should give her a little gift.

Oh, that's very nice, Bob.

You know, that would really make her feel good.

Why don't you give her a big bunch of roses?

I was thinking maybe a big bunch of clocks.

Best of luck on your future career.

And sign it.

Uh, Debbie, can you read the last part of that back to me?

Aunt, best of luck on your future career.

Signed, Debbie Flett.

No, see, Debbie, when I said sign it, I meant sign my name.

Oh, okay, Dr.

Ryan.

No, uh, no problem. Oh, and, uh, Debbie, when you sign Dr. Ryan, would you spell

it this time?

H -A -R -T -L -E -Y.

Why?

I don't know. That's the way we used to spell it in the old country.

I don't mean to intrude, Bob.

Debbie, listen carefully. This is very important.

I have been expecting a very important package, and I... Would you want me to

read it back to you?

What we are having here, Debbie, is called a conversation.

You don't have to take this down.

Right, Dr. Phillips.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Debbie. I am not Dr.

Phillips. Well, you don't have to apologize.

Debbie, have you been sending back bottles of scotch addressed to a Dr.

Newman? I certainly have.

No Dr.

Newman on our floor.

I'm Dr.

Newman.

N -E -W -M -A -N.

Oh! You must be from the old country, too.

Uh, Debbie?

Uh, where are you going?

I don't know.

I want her fired.

Let's give her a little more time, Phil, okay?

Okay. Why don't I just give her until 2 .30? What time is it now? 2 .30.

Fine. Talk to her.

Oh, come on. I can't fire that old bat.

I mean, you know how sensitive I am.

Yeah, you're a regular St. Francis of Assisi.

So anyway, Bob, why don't you just go on in there and take care of it and let me

know how it turns out.

All right.

Debbie, how are you coming with that letter?

Fine. See, Debbie, you press down like this.

Oh, there you go.

Debbie, could I talk to you for just a minute?

Not now, Dr. Ryan. I'm typing.

Carol, I know it's against the rules, but just for old time's sake, how would

you like to go down to the cleaners and pick up my things?

I'd sooner die.

I'd love to go.

I haven't been out all day.

That's very nice of you, Debbie, if Bob doesn't mind.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Ryan. I didn't know that getting the cleaning was your job.

That's all right, Debbie. Why don't you take a little break?

Oh, well, I'll just do it this once, I promise.

And take all the time you need.

Debbie, you'll need a ticket.

For the elevator?

No. It's for the cleaners. See, the address is right down here. Thank you

much. Oh. I appreciate it.

Dry cleaners, please.

We're never going to see her again, Bob. You know that, don't you? Yes. I know

that. It's a shame. She's the best damn secretary I ever had.

Good ones are hard to come by.

things at the office.

It could only go better if I had learned shorthand and typing.

You know, I wish I could describe the feeling I get when I come home every

and see Brad's smiling face.

Queasy? That's close.

Has he grown another clock?

Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, honey.

You know, Debbie did something today I never thought she could do.

What? She found her way back from the cleaners.

Oh, that's a good start.

That's too bad she forgot the cleaning.

Bob, I'm really sorry it's come to this.

Are you, Emily? Are you really?

Bob, if you're really upset, why don't you talk to Carol about this?

It wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

Well, honey, what if she wanted to talk to you? Talk?

What if she came over here to talk to you? It will be a cold day in hell when

talk to that turncoat.

Oh, Bob, Carol's here to see you.

Why, it's gotten awfully cold in here.

real glad you called, Emily. I never called.

Right. It was someone who sounded like you.

Probably Rich Little.

Hey, Bob, I want to explain why I didn't choose you. It's not necessary. You're

entitled to make up your mind and turn on your friends.

Bob, where are you going?

I'm going to wine bread. I think the German clock is on the fritz.

Bob, it's really very simple. I did not pick you because I respect and admire

you a great deal.

Well, that makes sense. Who'd want to work for somebody they respect and

Bob, you know, you always get stuck in the middle, fighting my battles for me.

thought I could save you some aggravation.

I thought you could handle not being picked.

I can't.

Take me back, Bob.

I beg your pardon?

And get rid of Debbie?

She'll never know the difference.

She's, uh, she's come a long way. She called me Dr. Hargood today.

Please, Bob.

Oh, come on, Bob. You want Carol to grovel.

I'm just thinking of Debbie.

Are you, Bob?

Are you really?

Oh, listen, let's just forget the whole thing. No, no, that's all right if it

means that much to you.

Thank you, Bob.

See you day after tomorrow.

What's wrong with tomorrow?

St. Swithin's Day.

Oh, no, thanks. I got to run.

No, she has to put the presents under her swithin's tree.

Do you, uh... Do you have your car?

Yeah.

Are you, uh... Are you going by the lake?

Yeah.

Would you drop something off for me?

Oh, I

forgot to leave you the warranty for brass.

All the parts are replaceable. All you have to do is take them to your

convenience service center in Taiwan.

I'll leave this with the... He's gone.

Yeah, we know, Howard, there's nothing we can do about it. We call the police.

What do you mean?

I think we were hit by the human fly.

The human fly?

Yeah, apparently he scaled the outside of the building, got on the balcony,

led his way in through a...

One inch space in the screen and took only one thing. The Buddha?

Oh, the fiend. I'll just have to get you another one.

Don't bother, Howard. He knows what he wants. He'll just come back again.