Original subtitles

Bob? Yeah?

Are you getting hot?

In what sense?

In the sense that this bedroom is as hot as an oven.

I wonder if you're like a rump roast.

Open the window. Are you crazy? It's below zero outside.

Yesterday was the coldest it's been in Chicago since 1910.

How would you remember that? You were just a teenager.

Oh, Christ, now we're hermetically sealed.

I never thought I would die in a sauna.

I'm going to check the thermostat.

It's broken. I tried it ten times.

Well, maybe you just don't know how to use it.

The thermostat is a very delicate, sensitive piece of equipment.

You have to do it very carefully.

It's all in the fingers.

Piece of junk.

Who are you calling? The landlord.

Hello. Yes, I'd like to report excessive heat in apartment 523.

Hello.

Great. Recording, right?

Right. I got the same recording when I called about the shower drain.

What's wrong with the shower drain? It doesn't...

Doesn't anything work in this apartment? Yeah, the furnace.

I wish the air conditioner worked.

That's just as well. The cold air and hot air would probably meet above our

and hail on us.

You know, I have another suggestion, but you probably wouldn't go for it.

I'll try anything.

We could sleep in the nude.

Forget it.

I'm going to take my clothes off.

Emily, physical discomfort is largely mental. I mean, it's all in your mind.

If you think cool, you'll be cool.

Let's just imagine that we're on a snow -capped peak in Switzerland.

Pining for fondue.

Ready,

set, pine.

Boy,

I would really like some fondue.

Now it worked, huh?

I'm starving.

I'm going to make some eggs.

You're going to sweat over a hot stove?

No. I'm going to bring the eggs in here and fry them on your stomach.

Good morning, Bob.

Don't. Don't what?

Don't be hardy. I can't take hardy this morning.

Same goes for jolly, breezy, and cheery.

How about being bashful, grumpy, or dopey?

How about being quiet?

Or we could be quiet.

I'm sorry, Carol. I just, I didn't get any sleep last night.

Oh, so you're sleepy.

Everything's gone wrong in the apartment.

The shower doesn't work. The windows won't open. Last night the heat went

berserk. Melted a plastic bag in my closet and laminated my tuxedo.

What does your landlord say?

He says this is a recording. Leave your name and number and I'll get back to you

when I feel like it.

Why don't you write him a letter?

Good idea. Carol, take a letter.

Dear recording, lots of luck if you want a letter typed by this bimbo.

Ah, Jer.

Jer, our association has spanned approximately five years, and it's been

association. But if that association is to continue, there must be one unspoken

but clear understanding to which, if you ever again refer to me as a bimbo...

I will rip your spleen out.

That's fair.

Sure, you don't need your spleen.

I'm telling you, Bob, she'll mess up your letter.

See, the S key in her typewriter doesn't work, so every time you dictate a word

that's got an S in it, she just makes up her own word.

That's gratitude.

I busted my ass typing your letters.

Carol, I want you to...

I want you to type my letter whether your S is busted or not.

Who are you writing to, Bob? My landlord. The apartment is a mess. I'm

steamed, Jerry. Well, let him have it, Bob. Don't pull any punches.

Dear sir. Dear swine.

Dear guy.

I am shocked. I'm sickened. I am annoyed.

By the slipshod service.

By the sloppy screw -ups.

By the boo -boo.

Of your so -called... superintendent. Of your slimy subordinate.

Of your jerky helper.

Let's see how that reads so far.

Dear guy, I am annoyed by the boo -boo of your jerky helper.

I don't know, Carol.

Somehow the sting has come out of it, you know.

Or I should say the ting.

Bimbo.

Hi, Robinson.

Hi, Carlin. Dr. Hartley in?

Yeah, but don't be too cheery.

No problem.

Oh, listen, Elliot, you own a lot of apartment buildings, and maybe you can

Bob, because he's having a lot of trouble with his landlord.

If it has anything to do with real estate, I'm your man.

I wrote the book on real estate.

I've got it all right up here.

I notice your book's wearing a rug.

Look, Robinson, we're both too busy for childish insults.

I'm an investor, you're a dentist, so why don't I go invest?

Why don't you go brush your nose?

Oh, landlord got you down?

No need to frown.

Carlin's around.

I'll be with you in a minute, Mr. Carlin. I have some problems with my

What are you doing about it?

I'm writing him a threatening letter.

How do you spell spleen?

A letter is not the answer.

Well, what is? I really could use your help.

Well, you've come to the right man.

Over here.

Uh -uh.

Wrong chair.

That's the helper chair. The helpee belongs over here.

Is this really necessary?

Fair is fair, big guy.

All right, it's a really quite simple problem. Hold it.

Flat on your back, feet up, stare at the ceiling.

Now, this is silly.

How does it feel when the shoe's on the other foot?

I never made you lie down and stare at the ceiling. You have your style, I have

my style.

Now, lie down.

My problem is very simple.

Hey, this is really nice.

Sitting here in the catbird seat, listening to some poor wretch spill out

guts.

My apartment building is a mess and the landlord won't do anything about it.

You want to go with that thought, Bob?

What's that supposed to mean? I don't know what it's supposed to mean. That's

what you always say to me.

How do you feel about your landlord?

Angry. And, uh, how do you feel about your mother?

Look, if you're going to play games, let's just forget it. Okay, I'm sorry.

Okay, now, here's what you ought to do.

Organize a rent strike.

Nobody pays any rent until everything's fixed.

That'll hit the slumlord where he lives.

He doesn't live there. Why should he? This place sounds like a dump.

Do you really think the rent strike thing will work?

Well, I think it'll work. Does a cow moo?

Yeah. Then it'll work.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Carlin. Let's get started on your session, all

right? Boy, you really got it soft, Hartley.

Well, what's new in your life?

Oh, nothing much.

The other night I was taking a shower, and I think Tony Perkins tried to kill

me.

Well... At least your shower works.

Oh,

that's ice on those windows.

Well, that's because it's 10 degrees below zero outside.

Yeah, but it's 98 degrees, isn't it?

Isn't life funny?

Hello, this is Bob Hartley in apartment 523.

Are you and your husband as hot as we are?

I didn't mean anything by that.

I'm organizing a rent strike, and I wanted to get your signature on a

Hello? Hello?

You know, I never knew there were so many sniveling cowards in this building.

Oh, I did.

Remember when I got stuck in the elevator and I pressed the emergency

Everybody heard it, but nobody wanted to get involved.

Well, I would have helped, but I was late for golf.

You're going to have to fight this all by yourself, Bob.

That's all right.

I'd rather light just one little candle than curse the darkness.

I'd rather curse.

Oh, I mean it, Emily. It's about time that somebody stood up and was counted.

Were counted?

Was counted.

And that somebody is I. Me. Well,

that's the man I married.

A man with a lot of courage and a serious grammatical problem.

Well, I gotta be I.

Come in.

Hi, Bob. Can I borrow two aspirin? Oh, sure. I'll get them for you right away,

Howard.

Howard, you can't borrow aspirin.

We'll make them a gift.

Oh, I get it for tax purposes.

I was just about to call you, Howard.

Not at home.

See, I'm very upset with what's happening in the building here. Like,

this heat.

You feel it, too?

Oh. Thank goodness. I thought my malaria was back.

You are, Howard. Here's your aspirin. I don't need it now. I'm cured.

Howard, I'm calling for a rent strike.

I don't think anybody should pay our rent until they provide services.

I don't think we should bring religion into this.

Howard, this has nothing to do with religion. It's a matter of principle. I

mean, Bob's going to fight this for all of us.

Ah, that's exciting but dumb. I had a friend who did that once.

His landlord took him to court.

He lost his apartment, his savings, and his teeth.

Wait a minute. How did he lose his teeth? Just careless.

I think you're going to get kicked out of your apartment.

Howard, are you with me or not? I'm with you all the way. Great. Sign the

petition. Oh, I'd be glad to.

Now, when can you pick it?

I'd love to pick it.

Fine. When?

Well, let me see. I'm going to Pittsburgh tomorrow.

I don't think it would be too good to pick it there. That won't help.

Ah, but I'm going to be back in three days.

Oh, no, no, no. Then I'm going to fly to New Orleans, but I'll be back.

Then I'm going to Paris and Rome.

I'll be gone for a month, but I do love the picket.

Save you a sign.

Well, at least we can count on General Ulysses S. Grant.

I'm going to get a blast of cold air.

Well, Bob, make sure you close the door. It's freezing outside.

No winning with you, is there?

Are you getting hot?

Are you crazy?

How can it be so hot one night and so cold the next? Oh, isn't life funny?

Do we have any more blankets?

Oh, come on, Bob. It's all in your head, remember?

I mean, just pretend you're in the hottest place you've ever been.

That's just dumb.

Yeah, that's what I thought the first time I heard it.

Any more suggestions?

I think we should sing.

Great. Why?

Because if we fall asleep, we'll freeze to death.

Any particular song?

Yeah, I mean, something warm like, uh, Summertime or She Wore an Itsy Bitsy

Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.

We could be dead by the time we finish that song.

Bob, did you hear that?

That's probably just the building breaking.

What if it's a burglar?

Think positive, Emily. It could be an arsonist.

Howard.

Anyone notice a temperature change from last night?

It could be just a tad cooler tonight.

Yeah, well, I think we should complain.

Good idea, General Grant.

already organizing a restaurant.

Well, that's a good idea. Anything I could do to help?

Quit hogging the covers.

I'll stop your belly aching. At least you're in the middle.

All right.

This is silly.

I'm going to a motel.

Yeah. I think we should all go.

I'm not going to go anywhere.

I'm going to see this thing through to the bitter end.

Where do you want to stay, Emily?

Hawaii.

I should warn you, Howard, she snores.

Well, then I guess we can't stay in the same room. Well, that's fine with me.

Well, it's all right with me if Bob wants to pay for two rooms.

Well, we'll see you in the morning, Bob.

Okay. Come on, cowards.

Summertime.

Okay,

open a little wider, please.

Wow.

Carol, how often do you have your keys cleaned?

Well, you know how it is, Jerry. You can't always brush between dictations.

Well, some of these keys are in terrible shape. I think a couple of them are

going to have to come out.

I cannot understand it. My grandmother had her original keys when she died.

Oh, that's all well and good, but we're talking about your keys.

See, you just can't keep feeding them a steady diet of junky carbon paper and

expect them to go on forever.

This is all cute as hell, Jerry. Now fix the typewriter.

I'll finish.

Here, give it a try.

I'm not here to sit in judgment if you choose to straggle in looking like a

I had a terrible night last night and I feel awful.

Some guys can hold a sauce and some can't.

The reason I look like this is because the heat went out in our building and

pipes banged all night and I couldn't get any sleep.

What you need is a good stiff drink.

That rent strike idea of yours isn't worth a damn.

Forget the rent strike. I talked to your landlord.

Did he say anything?

Does a donkey bray?

Is he going to do something?

First tell me if a donkey brays.

Yes, is he going to do something?

That's too late. He sold the place.

Who's the new owner?

You're looking at him.

You bought our building?

Does a goose honk?

Well, that's sensational.

Now we can get maintenance, paint, heat.

We'll see.

What do you mean, we'll see?

Hey, the former owner told me this building is in great shape. Now, who am

supposed to believe, a trusted member of the real estate community or some

bleeding -heart tenant?

You're not going to do anything, are you? That'll be a major capital

expenditure. The answer is no.

Does a billy goat bleat?

Mr. Carlin, would you get over here? I want to get something off my chest.

Oh, sure.

It's really good for you to get in touch with your feelings.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

Well, it's just that I suddenly have this uncontrollable urge to kill my

landlord.

I see our time is up.

You mean he flatly refuses to fix anything?

Does an owl hoot?

Guess what?

The elevator's broken.

You mean you ought to use the stairs?

Yeah. Yeah, if they cock out, we're trapped.

I know Carlin. He'll probably rent the space out to a tall, thin family.

Well, they won't be the first ones in this building to get the shaft.

What's Carlin got to do with this? He's our new landlord.

That's great.

No, it's rotten. He won't fix anything.

That's rotten.

The only way I can get him near here is to schedule a session here tonight.

That's a great idea.

Why is that a great idea?

Ask Bob. It's his idea.

You know, Carlin is not going to show up. Oh, yes, he is.

He needs me more than I need him.

And just think, he's going to have to walk up all those stairs in the cold.

You know something? Sometimes Bob scares me.

Who is it?

It's your landlord. Open up.

Not by the hair of our chinny -chin -chin.

Howard, he's only going to huff and puff. We better let him in.

Oh, come on, Bob. Let's stand up to him. Let's tell him what we think.

Come in, Mr. Carlin.

Hiya, tenants.

How you doing, Gordon?

Oh, uh, hello, sir. Well, I was just leaving.

Boy, am I lucky to live in this building.

You have a nice walk up the stairs?

Only a way to go. I love stairs.

Great exercise.

Increases your appetite, too.

I'd offer you a cup of coffee, but the stove is frozen. Oh, no thanks.

I hope the sound of the cold air whistling through the heat vent doesn't

you during our session.

That's quite soothing.

Well, if you two will excuse me.

Where are you going?

To bed.

Don't forget your gloves.

Yeah, I would like a glass of iced coffee.

Good solid door.

You're not going to crack, are you? Crack?

What do you mean?

Well, look around you. The place is a mess.

Hey, the furniture is not my responsibility.

Yeah, but everything else is your responsibility.

The heat, the shower, the elevator?

How's your closet space?

That's it. Get out, Mr. Carlin.

What do you mean, Buster?

This is my session. I'm paying for it. Forget the money, forget the session.

We're through.

I mean, if you're still so insensitive to another person's misery, then I

haven't done a very good job.

Yeah, but you are cheap.

I mean it, Mr. Carlin. Get out. Find yourself somebody else.

Okay, if that's the way it is, that's the way it is. Go ahead.

Foreclose on my sanity.

I'll go alone from now on.

From now on, it's just me against the world. Fine. Fine!

How long has it been since this

place has had a new coat of paint?

Two years.

Oh, it's holding up well.

Okay. I'll repaint the whole place.

What about the shower, the heat, the elevator?

Consider them thick.

Thanks.

The, uh, the closet door squeaks.

Don't press your luck.

Okay, I'll have them oiled.

Thanks for your prompt attention.

Now, uh, how about my session?

Okay. Have a seat.

No, uh, uh, better yet, uh...

Lie down here and put your feet up and stare at the ceiling.

What do you mean?

Do it.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey, there's a crack in the ceiling plaster. Aha!

Well, you really got me where you want me now, don't you?

Does a frog croak?

Don't do something about the heat tomorrow.

I'm going to report Carl into the Better Business Bureau.

Emily, these things take time. At least the shower's fixed.

Yeah, but I'm afraid to go in it. The plumber looked too much like Tony

All right, I'll call him tomorrow. I'll have him come down here. I'm freezing.

Will you guys hold it down? I'm trying to sleep.