Original subtitles

Oh, Jer, I have your reservations for your Mexico trip.

Ah, magnificent Mexico, enchiladas, burritos, tostadas.

Toristas.

Thank you.

Don't thank me, thank Larry.

Huh? My husband, the travel agent, the one who got you these tickets. Oh,

Wait a minute, the hotel Smith?

What's the accident about that? Nothing, but nothing's what you're paying.

Look at this. There's nothing in here except warnings about what will happen

you drink the water or steal a towel.

Anyone caught stealing a towel will be forced to drink the water.

I mean, what's a vacation if you can't steal a towel?

Oh, Jer.

Larry's planning Bob's vacation. You do not hear him complaining. Yeah, well,

he's not staying in some two -bit hotel.

Ah, that's because he's willing to spend more than two bits.

How much did a dude ranch in Arizona cost?

I'm sorry, that's privileged information between a travel agent and his dude.

Well, as Hotel Smith sounds like, it'll rip off to me.

Oh, come on, it can't be that bad.

Ah,

you'll be staying in the Jose Rivera Memorial Suite.

What the hell's that?

Well, it's named for a guy called Jose Rivera who was executed in your very

room.

You're stealing towels.

Good morning, Carol. I'd like to have you meet Dr. Ned Pavilion, a colleague

mine. Hello.

Carol, how are you?

I'm okay.

That's fine. Fine and dandy.

Why don't we step in my office?

Fine and dandy.

I can only stay a short while.

Yeah, Carol, hold my course.

Fine and dandy.

I haven't been in this office in eight years. It's amazing.

You haven't changed a thing.

I got a new desk calendar.

Why do you do it?

The old one keeps getting filled up.

I mean, why do you keep working in an office?

It's either work here or out of my car.

I gave up my office three years ago when I developed my new therapy technique.

Office is an old hat.

is traditional psychology.

Let's face it, Bob.

Psychologists today are stuck in a rut. All we do is repeat ourselves.

Repeat ourselves?

Repeat ourselves.

I don't think we repeat ourselves.

But we do repeat ourselves.

How? How?

Yeah, how?

Using the same old method over and over and over again and again and again and

again.

I see what you mean.

One hour a week with a patient isn't enough.

That's why I came up with a potbillion process.

The potbillion process?

The potbillion process. We're repeating ourselves.

The potbillion process is worth repeating.

I take the patient into my home.

I stay with him night and day, day and night. I never let him or her out of my

sight until he or she is back on his or her feet.

Or foot, again.

Feet or foot?

I have one man with a wooden leg.

Well, I know that concentrated therapy can have a dramatic effect on a patient,

but it doesn't seem to last any length of time.

Mine does.

Do you remember the patient you referred to me, Rune Denhart?

Well, the man with the unnatural fear of public transportation.

He now drives a bus.

You must say I'm impressed.

Well, of course you are.

And with a pavilion process, it only took two weeks.

You can't argue with success.

You can, but you'll be wrong.

Two weeks is such a short time.

Well, any longer, and I'll only be repeating myself.

And I never repeat myself, never.

Never. Never ever.

Do you remember the patient you referred to me, Rune Denhart?

The man that had the unnatural fear of public transportation.

He now drives a cab.

You said he drove a bus.

He does.

But I never repeat myself.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I'll be dead gummed.

Well,

I got it faded down so it looks old, you know.

Why?

Ah, we're going to a dude ranch.

The last thing we want to look like is a couple of dudes when we get on our

horses. Oh, I found a way around that.

I'm not getting on one.

Well, then, Bob, why are we going to a dude ranch?

To play golf.

Honey, if I'm going to get on horses, I think I really ought to try.

Emily, I've never ridden one in my life. Oh, Bob, it's so simple.

Look, Bob, let's just pretend the cat is a horse, you see? You put your left

foot in the stirrup, and then you just swing your right leg over like that,

Come on, you try it.

No, I'm afraid.

Easy,

big fella.

Left foot there, right out, swing it over.

There, that's very good.

I think he likes me.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Maybe I better come back later.

Howard, Emily is teaching me to ride. This is a horse.

Oh, nice.

I have one just like it.

Your golf clubs, why do you need them?

Well, in the first place, they're mine, and in the second place, I want to play

golf. Oh, when?

Next week on our vacation.

You're going on vacation?

Nobody told me that. I mean, how long are you going to be gone for?

Ten days. Ten days? My plants will die in ten days. Who's going to water them?

Where will you be?

Home.

But why don't you water them? You always water my plants.

You know, I have a tendency to drown things.

That's why I don't have any pets.

Stay away from our horse.

How could you do this to me? I'll be all alone.

Oh, Howard, it's not the end of the world. You're overreacting. What's that

supposed to mean?

It means you're acting irrational.

Don't you think I'm playing with a full deck?

Howard, you've got a full deck. It's just that sometimes you like to pass the

deal.

You know, Howard, Bob and I have been concerned for some time about you being

dependent on people.

What people?

Us. You know, Howard, I mean, I don't want you to take this wrong, honey, but,

you know, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea if you got a little help with

your problem. You know, maybe, uh... Maybe if you saw a psychologist.

What's that supposed to mean?

Howard, you rely on us for everything. I mean, I clean your apartment, we do

your laundry, balance your checkbooks, make all your meals.

Well, who's going to do all those things when you're gone?

Oh.

Howard, who is the person that you admire most in the entire world?

John Wayne.

Don't you think John Wayne relies on his friends to do everything for him?

The Duke doesn't need friends.

There you go.

Where?

I think what Bob is trying to say is that maybe you should emulate John

Emulate John Wayne?

Kill me before I even got near him.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know.

Maybe I do need a psychologist.

Well, that's a thought.

Let's start now, okay?

Howard, I can't be your psychologist. We're too close. But if you wait until I

come back, I'll find somebody for you. That's too late. My plants will die.

Howard, this takes time. It could take a lot of visits.

Well, I'll go every day. I mean, I need independence fast. I mean, I owe it to

my plants.

Bob, what about Ned Pavilion? You said he was fast.

Well, he's fast, but his methods are a little unorthodox.

I'll never know the difference.

Howard, you'll have to go to his house every day for two weeks. You'll even

to live at the house.

I think if I brought my plants over there, he'd water them.

Again and again and again.

That's good.

That's good.

You get along fine.

All right, I'll call him tomorrow, huh?

Oh, thanks. I appreciate it. You know, I feel more independent already. I feel

like I'm, well, I'm standing on my own two feet.

And how, if there's anything else we can do?

Well, there is one thing.

Don't leave me.

What springs to your mind?

Fried chicken.

No, Bob, mystery.

You see, nobody in Mexico City will think that I'm a tourist.

You'll be too busy laughing.

No. So what do you want me to bring you back from south of the border?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, one of those sombreros with the little fringe balls on them. You got it.

What color?

Oh, I don't care.

Something that'll go with more than one suit.

Right.

Hi, Hal.

Oh, hi.

What can I get for you while I'm in Mexico City?

Oh, some padded coat hangers.

Padded coat hangers? You can get those right here.

I don't care where you get them. Just get them.

Well, I just met Dr.

Pavilion.

So I see.

Yeah, he said he could help me. I'm going over to his house tonight. I'm

nervous.

You find carrying a cactus calms you down?

Oh, that. Would you mind taking this to the desert with you for a couple of

weeks?

Why? Well, it's not doing too well. I think it's homesick.

Well, Bob, you won't tell anybody in Arizona that I'm seeing a shrink.

It may not even come up, Howard.

You see, I'm really worried. I don't know what to expect.

Just take it easy, Howard.

What am I supposed to wear? What am I supposed to sit where? What am I

to call them? Will there be snacks?

Where's the bathroom?

What's your hat size?

I don't know.

What's my hat size?

Howard, relax.

This has to do with my size.

Large. Oh, but I want the fringe balls medium.

Where are you staying in Mexico City? The Hotel Smith.

No kidding.

You know the hotel, Smith? Yeah, don't steal their towels.

Ah, so I've heard.

They'll name a suite after you, but it's not worth it.

It was a lovely vacation, but I'm sure glad to be home.

I haven't seen enough of horses for a while.

Don't say that in front of old Blue.

What's all that stuff?

I expected the mail to pile up, but this is ridiculous.

Well, maybe we've been burglarized.

Burglars don't deliver, Emily.

That's a great shirt.

Well, it's yours. I gave it to you for your birthday two years ago.

I don't remember.

Oh, that's right.

Howard borrowed it while I was wrapping it.

Bob, this is all stuff Howard borrowed.

No, it isn't. We gave him this on his birthday. It's even initialed.

Oh, he loved this racket.

Who is it?

It's your next -door neighbor, Howard Borden.

Oh, come in.

Welcome home.

Thanks, Howard.

Did you have a pleasant vacation?

Oh, we had a lovely time. I rode horses and Bob rode a golf cart.

Well, then you both enjoyed yourself fine and dandy.

As you can see, I returned some of the things I borrowed

over the years.

I'm sorry I took so long in returning them, but I promise it won't happen

Good night.

Howard, you don't have to leave right away.

Oh, well, you're probably fatigued. Oh, in anticipation of your coming back, I

aired out your apartment.

And I noticed your refrigerator had considerable frost buildup, so I took

liberty to defrost it.

You didn't saddle up Old Blue and take her for a run, did you?

Old Blue?

The couch.

Bob, that doesn't make sense. Couch can't run.

Just a joke, huh?

And a fine one, too.

I don't accept gifts anymore. It's a sign of dependency.

How are you and Dr. Podvillian getting along?

Fine and dandy.

Dr. Podvillian is the finest man I ever met in my entire life.

Oh, can I fix you a drink? I neither condemn nor condone the use of alcoholic

beverages for others. I myself no longer feel the need for artificial

stimulants.

But thank you. We must do this again sometime.

What's wrong? I never felt better in my whole life.

Well, you're not yourself.

Thanks to Dr. Podbillion, I'm not myself.

I'm me.

Good morning.

Well, I'll be horn -swoggled if it ain't Cowboy Bob back from the ranch.

You new school, Mom?

No, I'm the town receptionist.

Want to rustle me up some grub?

The coffee's pretty grubby. How about some of that?

I take it you had a nice time on your vacation?

Oh, it was a great dude ranch. I shot 83.

Jerry back yet?

Nope. He didn't leave till this morning, so he won't be back till next week.

How come?

Well, Jerry found out he could fly cheaper if he went with the charter

you see.

So he took off this morning with 52 nuns from Indiana.

the Holy Hoosiers.

Well, you don't have to tell me who their co -pilot is.

Carol. Bob. You're back.

Fine and dandy.

I want to talk to you about Howard Gordon.

Good. I want to talk to you about him, too.

Fine and dandy.

Carol, no calls, no interruptions. Fine and...

is a textbook case.

Why is that?

Because he's going to be in my textbook.

I call it The Remarkable Pavilion Process by the remarkable Ned Pavilion.

That's remarkable.

And when it sweeps the nation, I'm going to be famous.

What about Howard?

Well, he'll be famous, too.

I'd like to take him on tour with me.

He'll be a very big attraction.

Why don't you just shoot him out of a cannon?

You make this sound like some sort of circus.

Actually, it's just going to be Howard and myself.

Possibly an opening act.

How about Jerry Vale?

Much too expensive.

You know, Howard's been my neighbor for six years. He's my friend, and I like

him. I mean, Howard's always been a little irresponsible.

He's always been a little too dependent.

He's always been a bit of a nuisance, but he always had his own personality.

Now, unfortunately, he has yours.

Do I sense the ugly specter of professional jealousy?

No, but I sense you're on an ego trip.

That's ridiculous. I'm too fine a person.

So is Howard, and I'm going to do everything I can to stop him from going

Vegas with you.

Fine and dandy.

There are thousands of Howard Bordens, and I can make each and every one of

a better person.

You mean process them the Pudbillion way?

Exactly. Ned, it isn't going to work.

You can take the joy out of a man, but you can't take the man out of the joy.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, that didn't come out right, but if I have anything to say about it, Howard

will. Fine and dandy. And, Ned?

Yes? Here's a dollar.

Don't ever say fine and dandy to me again.

Fine and...

When did Howard say he was coming over?

Promptly at 8 o 'clock when he finishes watching William Buckley.

William Buckley?

Yeah, he's interviewing Gorby Doll.

Oh, that explains it. Howard's always been a fan of Gores.

You know, I can't help feeling that we're baiting a trap.

We are. We're baiting it with roast beef and mashed potatoes, all the things

that Howard loves. Now, if we can get him to stay here for dinner, we got him.

Did you make gravy?

What's baked without gravy?

It's Howard Borden, your neighbor.

Come in, Howard.

Hello. I'm responding to your request that I stop by.

We're glad you did.

Why don't you sit down, Howard?

Fine and dandy.

Is there a purpose for your asking me to stop by, or is this a social function?

Social function.

Oh.

So how are things with William and Gore?

At odds with each other as usual.

We're going to have dinner in a little while. Yeah.

Roast beef, mashed potatoes, broccoli.

Sounds well balanced.

Why don't you stay for dinner, Howard?

Oh, that's very kind of you, Bob, but I was planning to make myself a knoblet. I

was just on my way to the store to get some eggs. Oh, why don't you have some

ours? Uh, no, thank you.

Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

I'll tell you why not, because neither a borrower nor a lender be.

Dr. Pobillion said that.

Well, Ben Franklin said it first.

No. Then it was Dr. Pobillion who said, God takes care of those who take care of

themselves.

No, Ben Franklin said that, too.

Oh, it was Dr. Pavilion who said, early to bed... Franklin?

Good man, Franklin.

Howard, it's silly for you to run all the way down to the market for a couple

eggs. Yeah, just take these.

Well, if it's no trouble, I think I'll... No, no, no, I can't. Well,

it's no trouble. As a matter of fact, why don't you stay for dinner? Oh, I

can't. I wouldn't be standing on my own two feet.

You know, there's an interesting thing about food, Howard. When you come into

someone's apartment, you can always tell what's cooking.

You can just smell the succulent aroma of roast beef as it sizzles in the

oven. The pungent aroma of broccoli as it thimmers on the stove.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, and the mouth -watering, heady smell of gravy as it bubbles on the

pan.

No, no, no, no, I can't. I can't stay for dinner. I've got to iron my shirt.

Well, you'll have to borrow our iron. I don't need an iron. I'll put it on the

mattress.

I'll sleep on it. Now, Howard, Howard, I'll iron it for you.

Hey, what's going on here? I don't get this. First you want me to be

independent, right? And now you want me to borrow things and stay for dinner.

Boy, what are you doing, testing me?

Oh, it's a strange turn of events.

Howard, we, uh, we just, we kind of miss the old you.

Right, but you didn't like me leaning on you.

Well, Howard...

Every now and then, we all have to get by with a little help from our friends.

Who said that?

The Beatles.

Oh, yeah. Now I'm so confused, I don't know who I am.

Howard, are you happy?

No. Are you hungry?

Yeah. Well, then why didn't you stay for dinner?

Well, if I stayed for dinner, I mean, I'd be...

I'm dependent all over again.

After all, I just spent two weeks in intensive therapy learning how to be

independent. I mean, this is a decision that's not easy to make, you know what I

mean? Yes, Terry, I'm really going to have to think about this one.

Can we have asparagus tips instead of broccoli?

Well, how does it feel to have the old Howard back?

Fine and dandy.

Bob! I thought you were going to be in at nine this morning. You're kind of

late. Emily had an early staff meeting, so I had to cook breakfast for Howard.

I had to poach the eggs three times before I got them right.

He isn't easy to cook for.

What man is?

Well, hope... Who's your look who's back?

How was Mexico?

Ah, romance, moonlight, mariachis. Struck out, huh?

I saved an enormous amount of money by not staying at that Hotel Smith.

Oh, yeah? Where'd you stay? I stayed in the convent.