All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s05e04 Still Crazy After All These Years

Oh, Jer, I have your reservations for
your Mexico trip.

Ah, magnificent Mexico, enchiladas,
burritos, tostadas.

Toristas.

Thank you.

Don't thank me, thank Larry.

Huh? My husband, the travel agent, the
one who got you these tickets. Oh,

Wait a minute, the hotel Smith?

What's the accident about that? Nothing,
but nothing's what you're paying.

Look at this. There's nothing in here
except warnings about what will happen

you drink the water or steal a towel.

Anyone caught stealing a towel will be
forced to drink the water.

I mean, what's a vacation if you can't
steal a towel?

Oh, Jer.

Larry's planning Bob's vacation. You do
not hear him complaining. Yeah, well,

he's not staying in some two -bit hotel.

Ah, that's because he's willing to spend
more than two bits.

How much did a dude ranch in Arizona
cost?

I'm sorry, that's privileged information
between a travel agent and his dude.

Well, as Hotel Smith sounds like, it'll
rip off to me.

Oh, come on, it can't be that bad.

Ah,

you'll be staying in the Jose Rivera
Memorial Suite.

What the hell's that?

Well, it's named for a guy called Jose
Rivera who was executed in your very

room.

You're stealing towels.

Good morning, Carol. I'd like to have
you meet Dr. Ned Pavilion, a colleague

mine. Hello.

Carol, how are you?

I'm okay.

That's fine. Fine and dandy.

Why don't we step in my office?

Fine and dandy.

I can only stay a short while.

Yeah, Carol, hold my course.

Fine and dandy.

I haven't been in this office in eight
years. It's amazing.

You haven't changed a thing.

I got a new desk calendar.

Why do you do it?

The old one keeps getting filled up.

I mean, why do you keep working in an
office?

It's either work here or out of my car.

I gave up my office three years ago when
I developed my new therapy technique.

Office is an old hat.

is traditional psychology.

Let's face it, Bob.

Psychologists today are stuck in a rut.
All we do is repeat ourselves.

Repeat ourselves?

Repeat ourselves.

I don't think we repeat ourselves.

But we do repeat ourselves.

How? How?

Yeah, how?

Using the same old method over and over
and over again and again and again and

again.

I see what you mean.

One hour a week with a patient isn't
enough.

That's why I came up with a potbillion
process.

The potbillion process?

The potbillion process. We're repeating
ourselves.

The potbillion process is worth
repeating.

I take the patient into my home.

I stay with him night and day, day and
night. I never let him or her out of my

sight until he or she is back on his or
her feet.

Or foot, again.

Feet or foot?

I have one man with a wooden leg.

Well, I know that concentrated therapy
can have a dramatic effect on a patient,

but it doesn't seem to last any length
of time.

Mine does.

Do you remember the patient you referred
to me, Rune Denhart?

Well, the man with the unnatural fear of
public transportation.

He now drives a bus.

You must say I'm impressed.

Well, of course you are.

And with a pavilion process, it only
took two weeks.

You can't argue with success.

You can, but you'll be wrong.

Two weeks is such a short time.

Well, any longer, and I'll only be
repeating myself.

And I never repeat myself, never.

Never. Never ever.

Do you remember the patient you referred
to me, Rune Denhart?

The man that had the unnatural fear of
public transportation.

He now drives a cab.

You said he drove a bus.

He does.

But I never repeat myself.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I'll be dead gummed.

Well,

I got it faded down so it looks old, you
know.

Why?

Ah, we're going to a dude ranch.

The last thing we want to look like is a
couple of dudes when we get on our

horses. Oh, I found a way around that.

I'm not getting on one.

Well, then, Bob, why are we going to a
dude ranch?

To play golf.

Honey, if I'm going to get on horses, I
think I really ought to try.

Emily, I've never ridden one in my life.
Oh, Bob, it's so simple.

Look, Bob, let's just pretend the cat is
a horse, you see? You put your left

foot in the stirrup, and then you just
swing your right leg over like that,

Come on, you try it.

No, I'm afraid.

Easy,

big fella.

Left foot there, right out, swing it
over.

There, that's very good.

I think he likes me.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Maybe I better come back later.

Howard, Emily is teaching me to ride.
This is a horse.

Oh, nice.

I have one just like it.

Your golf clubs, why do you need them?

Well, in the first place, they're mine,
and in the second place, I want to play

golf. Oh, when?

Next week on our vacation.

You're going on vacation?

Nobody told me that. I mean, how long
are you going to be gone for?

Ten days. Ten days? My plants will die
in ten days. Who's going to water them?

Where will you be?

Home.

But why don't you water them? You always
water my plants.

You know, I have a tendency to drown
things.

That's why I don't have any pets.

Stay away from our horse.

How could you do this to me? I'll be all
alone.

Oh, Howard, it's not the end of the
world. You're overreacting. What's that

supposed to mean?

It means you're acting irrational.

Don't you think I'm playing with a full
deck?

Howard, you've got a full deck. It's
just that sometimes you like to pass the

deal.

You know, Howard, Bob and I have been
concerned for some time about you being

dependent on people.

What people?

Us. You know, Howard, I mean, I don't
want you to take this wrong, honey, but,

you know, maybe it wouldn't be such a
bad idea if you got a little help with

your problem. You know, maybe, uh...
Maybe if you saw a psychologist.

What's that supposed to mean?

Howard, you rely on us for everything. I
mean, I clean your apartment, we do

your laundry, balance your checkbooks,
make all your meals.

Well, who's going to do all those things
when you're gone?

Oh.

Howard, who is the person that you
admire most in the entire world?

John Wayne.

Don't you think John Wayne relies on his
friends to do everything for him?

The Duke doesn't need friends.

There you go.

Where?

I think what Bob is trying to say is
that maybe you should emulate John

Emulate John Wayne?

Kill me before I even got near him.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know.

Maybe I do need a psychologist.

Well, that's a thought.

Let's start now, okay?

Howard, I can't be your psychologist.
We're too close. But if you wait until I

come back, I'll find somebody for you.
That's too late. My plants will die.

Howard, this takes time. It could take a
lot of visits.

Well, I'll go every day. I mean, I need
independence fast. I mean, I owe it to

my plants.

Bob, what about Ned Pavilion? You said
he was fast.

Well, he's fast, but his methods are a
little unorthodox.

I'll never know the difference.

Howard, you'll have to go to his house
every day for two weeks. You'll even

to live at the house.

I think if I brought my plants over
there, he'd water them.

Again and again and again.

That's good.

That's good.

You get along fine.

All right, I'll call him tomorrow, huh?

Oh, thanks. I appreciate it. You know, I
feel more independent already. I feel

like I'm, well, I'm standing on my own
two feet.

And how, if there's anything else we can
do?

Well, there is one thing.

Don't leave me.

What springs to your mind?

Fried chicken.

No, Bob, mystery.

You see, nobody in Mexico City will
think that I'm a tourist.

You'll be too busy laughing.

No. So what do you want me to bring you
back from south of the border?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, one of those sombreros with the
little fringe balls on them. You got it.

What color?

Oh, I don't care.

Something that'll go with more than one
suit.

Right.

Hi, Hal.

Oh, hi.

What can I get for you while I'm in
Mexico City?

Oh, some padded coat hangers.

Padded coat hangers? You can get those
right here.

I don't care where you get them. Just
get them.

Well, I just met Dr.

Pavilion.

So I see.

Yeah, he said he could help me. I'm
going over to his house tonight. I'm

nervous.

You find carrying a cactus calms you
down?

Oh, that. Would you mind taking this to
the desert with you for a couple of

weeks?

Why? Well, it's not doing too well. I
think it's homesick.

Well, Bob, you won't tell anybody in
Arizona that I'm seeing a shrink.

It may not even come up, Howard.

You see, I'm really worried. I don't
know what to expect.

Just take it easy, Howard.

What am I supposed to wear? What am I
supposed to sit where? What am I

to call them? Will there be snacks?

Where's the bathroom?

What's your hat size?

I don't know.

What's my hat size?

Howard, relax.

This has to do with my size.

Large. Oh, but I want the fringe balls
medium.

Where are you staying in Mexico City?
The Hotel Smith.

No kidding.

You know the hotel, Smith? Yeah, don't
steal their towels.

Ah, so I've heard.

They'll name a suite after you, but it's
not worth it.

It was a lovely vacation, but I'm sure
glad to be home.

I haven't seen enough of horses for a
while.

Don't say that in front of old Blue.

What's all that stuff?

I expected the mail to pile up, but this
is ridiculous.

Well, maybe we've been burglarized.

Burglars don't deliver, Emily.

That's a great shirt.

Well, it's yours. I gave it to you for
your birthday two years ago.

I don't remember.

Oh, that's right.

Howard borrowed it while I was wrapping
it.

Bob, this is all stuff Howard borrowed.

No, it isn't. We gave him this on his
birthday. It's even initialed.

Oh, he loved this racket.

Who is it?

It's your next -door neighbor, Howard
Borden.

Oh, come in.

Welcome home.

Thanks, Howard.

Did you have a pleasant vacation?

Oh, we had a lovely time. I rode horses
and Bob rode a golf cart.

Well, then you both enjoyed yourself
fine and dandy.

As you can see, I returned some of the
things I borrowed

over the years.

I'm sorry I took so long in returning
them, but I promise it won't happen

Good night.

Howard, you don't have to leave right
away.

Oh, well, you're probably fatigued. Oh,
in anticipation of your coming back, I

aired out your apartment.

And I noticed your refrigerator had
considerable frost buildup, so I took

liberty to defrost it.

You didn't saddle up Old Blue and take
her for a run, did you?

Old Blue?

The couch.

Bob, that doesn't make sense. Couch
can't run.

Just a joke, huh?

And a fine one, too.

I don't accept gifts anymore. It's a
sign of dependency.

How are you and Dr. Podvillian getting
along?

Fine and dandy.

Dr. Podvillian is the finest man I ever
met in my entire life.

Oh, can I fix you a drink? I neither
condemn nor condone the use of alcoholic

beverages for others. I myself no longer
feel the need for artificial

stimulants.

But thank you. We must do this again
sometime.

What's wrong? I never felt better in my
whole life.

Well, you're not yourself.

Thanks to Dr. Podbillion, I'm not
myself.

I'm me.

Good morning.

Well, I'll be horn -swoggled if it ain't
Cowboy Bob back from the ranch.

You new school, Mom?

No, I'm the town receptionist.

Want to rustle me up some grub?

The coffee's pretty grubby. How about
some of that?

I take it you had a nice time on your
vacation?

Oh, it was a great dude ranch. I shot
83.

Jerry back yet?

Nope. He didn't leave till this morning,
so he won't be back till next week.

How come?

Well, Jerry found out he could fly
cheaper if he went with the charter

you see.

So he took off this morning with 52 nuns
from Indiana.

the Holy Hoosiers.

Well, you don't have to tell me who
their co -pilot is.

Carol. Bob. You're back.

Fine and dandy.

I want to talk to you about Howard
Gordon.

Good. I want to talk to you about him,
too.

Fine and dandy.

Carol, no calls, no interruptions. Fine
and...

is a textbook case.

Why is that?

Because he's going to be in my textbook.

I call it The Remarkable Pavilion
Process by the remarkable Ned Pavilion.

That's remarkable.

And when it sweeps the nation, I'm going
to be famous.

What about Howard?

Well, he'll be famous, too.

I'd like to take him on tour with me.

He'll be a very big attraction.

Why don't you just shoot him out of a
cannon?

You make this sound like some sort of
circus.

Actually, it's just going to be Howard
and myself.

Possibly an opening act.

How about Jerry Vale?

Much too expensive.

You know, Howard's been my neighbor for
six years. He's my friend, and I like

him. I mean, Howard's always been a
little irresponsible.

He's always been a little too dependent.

He's always been a bit of a nuisance,
but he always had his own personality.

Now, unfortunately, he has yours.

Do I sense the ugly specter of
professional jealousy?

No, but I sense you're on an ego trip.

That's ridiculous. I'm too fine a
person.

So is Howard, and I'm going to do
everything I can to stop him from going

Vegas with you.

Fine and dandy.

There are thousands of Howard Bordens,
and I can make each and every one of

a better person.

You mean process them the Pudbillion
way?

Exactly. Ned, it isn't going to work.

You can take the joy out of a man, but
you can't take the man out of the joy.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, that didn't come out right, but if
I have anything to say about it, Howard

will. Fine and dandy. And, Ned?

Yes? Here's a dollar.

Don't ever say fine and dandy to me
again.

Fine and...

When did Howard say he was coming over?

Promptly at 8 o 'clock when he finishes
watching William Buckley.

William Buckley?

Yeah, he's interviewing Gorby Doll.

Oh, that explains it. Howard's always
been a fan of Gores.

You know, I can't help feeling that
we're baiting a trap.

We are. We're baiting it with roast beef
and mashed potatoes, all the things

that Howard loves. Now, if we can get
him to stay here for dinner, we got him.

Did you make gravy?

What's baked without gravy?

It's Howard Borden, your neighbor.

Come in, Howard.

Hello. I'm responding to your request
that I stop by.

We're glad you did.

Why don't you sit down, Howard?

Fine and dandy.

Is there a purpose for your asking me to
stop by, or is this a social function?

Social function.

Oh.

So how are things with William and Gore?

At odds with each other as usual.

We're going to have dinner in a little
while. Yeah.

Roast beef, mashed potatoes, broccoli.

Sounds well balanced.

Why don't you stay for dinner, Howard?

Oh, that's very kind of you, Bob, but I
was planning to make myself a knoblet. I

was just on my way to the store to get
some eggs. Oh, why don't you have some

ours? Uh, no, thank you.

Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

I'll tell you why not, because neither a
borrower nor a lender be.

Dr. Pobillion said that.

Well, Ben Franklin said it first.

No. Then it was Dr. Pobillion who said,
God takes care of those who take care of

themselves.

No, Ben Franklin said that, too.

Oh, it was Dr. Pavilion who said, early
to bed... Franklin?

Good man, Franklin.

Howard, it's silly for you to run all
the way down to the market for a couple

eggs. Yeah, just take these.

Well, if it's no trouble, I think
I'll... No, no, no, I can't. Well,

it's no trouble. As a matter of fact,
why don't you stay for dinner? Oh, I

can't. I wouldn't be standing on my own
two feet.

You know, there's an interesting thing
about food, Howard. When you come into

someone's apartment, you can always tell
what's cooking.

You can just smell the succulent aroma
of roast beef as it sizzles in the

oven. The pungent aroma of broccoli as
it thimmers on the stove.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, and the mouth -watering, heady
smell of gravy as it bubbles on the

pan.

No, no, no, no, I can't. I can't stay
for dinner. I've got to iron my shirt.

Well, you'll have to borrow our iron. I
don't need an iron. I'll put it on the

mattress.

I'll sleep on it. Now, Howard, Howard,
I'll iron it for you.

Hey, what's going on here? I don't get
this. First you want me to be

independent, right? And now you want me
to borrow things and stay for dinner.

Boy, what are you doing, testing me?

Oh, it's a strange turn of events.

Howard, we, uh, we just, we kind of miss
the old you.

Right, but you didn't like me leaning on
you.

Well, Howard...

Every now and then, we all have to get
by with a little help from our friends.

Who said that?

The Beatles.

Oh, yeah. Now I'm so confused, I don't
know who I am.

Howard, are you happy?

No. Are you hungry?

Yeah. Well, then why didn't you stay for
dinner?

Well, if I stayed for dinner, I mean,
I'd be...

I'm dependent all over again.

After all, I just spent two weeks in
intensive therapy learning how to be

independent. I mean, this is a decision
that's not easy to make, you know what I

mean? Yes, Terry, I'm really going to
have to think about this one.

Can we have asparagus tips instead of
broccoli?

Well, how does it feel to have the old
Howard back?

Fine and dandy.

Bob! I thought you were going to be in
at nine this morning. You're kind of

late. Emily had an early staff meeting,
so I had to cook breakfast for Howard.

I had to poach the eggs three times
before I got them right.

He isn't easy to cook for.

What man is?

Well, hope... Who's your look who's
back?

How was Mexico?

Ah, romance, moonlight, mariachis.
Struck out, huh?

I saved an enormous amount of money by
not staying at that Hotel Smith.

Oh, yeah? Where'd you stay? I stayed in
the convent.