Original subtitles

I don't know, Dr. Harley. I think I'm making some progress.

You are?

I think I'm overcoming my agoraphobia.

I didn't even know you had a fear of open places.

Open places?

Agoraphobia is a fear of open places.

I thought it was a fear of agricultural products.

Sorry. Well, anyway, wheat doesn't scare me anymore.

I'm still a little skittish around barley.

Yeah, Barley's murder compared to wheat.

Yeah, I am making some progress.

Well, slow and steady wins the race.

That's great.

Another Hartley homily.

Well, what I'm trying to say is even the humblest person makes awesome progress,

though their pace be like a snail.

I'm afraid of snails.

Well, we'll deal with that next week. I'm just happy as hell we have that

thing out of the way. Yeah, me too.

Hey, is this room getting smaller?

In addition to your other problems, maybe you're claustrophobic.

Oh. What do they call that when a person's claustrophobic?

Claustrophobia. Oh, yeah. Why didn't I think of that?

I've studied for years.

Hi, Elliot. How's the real estate business?

Couldn't be better. And how are you?

Couldn't be worse.

Saying everything's normal.

Hiya, Bondurant. Hi, Mr. Carlin.

Hey, is this elevator getting smaller?

I don't think so.

Well, I'm not taking any chances.

You ever seen any snails on these stairs?

No. Good.

Oh. Hi, Red.

Hi, honey. You look tired.

I am. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am exhausted.

to throw a Fourth of July party?

Sorry, Jerry. We threw the Memorial Day party.

What Memorial Day party? I wasn't invited.

I know.

Do you want to have a Fourth of July party? Fine.

Where are we going to have it?

How about your apartment?

No good. I got all this furniture in the living room.

That sort of narrows it down to Bob's place. Works for me.

Bob, you and Emily are cordially invited to a Fourth of July party at your

place.

I threw the Valentine's Day party. I wasn't invited.

I know.

I'd like you to meet my bird, Herb.

Boy, look at him sing. He's really happy.

He's delirious.

Does he ever stop?

Oh, yeah.

He's well trained.

Yeah, all my other pets died, so I bought a mechanical bird.

I understand they're supposed to be hard to start in the winter.

July 4th party. Would you like to come?

Oh, great. When is it?

We thought maybe July 3rd, the day after.

Where is it? At our place.

At your place?

How come I never get to throw a party?

Well, you're never there when Jerry plans them.

I think the party should be here. I mean, why should Emily have to do all

work?

Oh, Howard.

Why, thank you. That's very sweet of you.

Look, you know, if I can do anything to help you, you know... Well, how many

people are there going to be? Six. Seven. I invited Mr. Carlin.

Why? He says he gets lonely every bicentennial.

Ah, let me see.

Seven people. I'll need seven sets of your knives and forks.

Seven plates.

I'll need your punch bowl and some glasses.

Seven, maybe.

And a card table to put them on.

You know, I was thinking...

It might be fun to have a costume party.

I was thinking it'd be fun not to.

But, Bob, it's the bicentennial.

Well, let's celebrate it by being ourselves.

We don't need costumes. Oh, Bob, you're being a wet blanket. Now, get in the

spirit. Our country's going to be 200 years old.

200 years, that's hard to believe.

Yeah, well, it looks newer because they keep painting the buildings.

Right.

Five left.

Five right.

I'll never remember that combination.

It's simple.

1855. Oh.

Right.

That's the mileage between Chicago and Medford, Oregon.

Look at all this junk.

I don't call it junk. There's a lot of valuable stuff here. Yeah.

I bet the Smithsonian Institute would really like to have your footlocker.

Oh, it's tough. It's going to the Ford foundation.

Let's see. We need the punch bowl and the card table and... Ah, the card table

is there behind the skis.

Oh, right.

You know what's interesting? What?

We don't ski.

They're Howard's.

Oh, Bob, look.

Your barbell.

Boy, you haven't lifted these in a long time.

Y 'all, it got to the point where it was...

Too easy, so I quit.

Yeah, I remember the day that Jerry and Howard helped you carry him down here.

All right, let's get the punch bowl and get out of here. Punch bowl.

Punch bowl.

Oh.

That isn't a punch bowl.

No, it's the garter I wore the day of our wedding. Do you remember?

I always felt you should have worn two. You know, you look funny with the one

stocking all balled up around your ass.

That's not my dad. That's your mother.

She wore black to the wedding. That wasn't black, Bob. It was dark gray.

Only her armband was black.

Who's the greaseball next to that dumpy girl?

The greaseball is you, Bob.

Where are you?

I was inside reviving my mind.

Well, if we finished our trip down memory lane, I'd like to get out of

Bob, you have no romance in your soul. It was a beautiful wedding.

It rained. Your mother called it a gnomon.

No, she was wrong.

I mean, I just wish the priest hadn't been so nervous.

He was as scared as I was.

He said, do you promise to honor, honor, honor, honor, love, and obey, obey,

obey?

I thought we were getting married in a cave.

Were you really nervous?

Well, I was taking a big chance.

Marrying a dumpy girl who couldn't keep her stocking up.

Well, who would have thought two ugly ducklings would turn into a beautiful

and a flabby psychologist.

Have I mentioned I'd like to go? Oh, would you, darling? Why didn't you say

Hey, Bob.

Bob.

What's this?

Oh, come on, Emily. Let's go.

I never saw this before. What is it?

It's my exercise. It flattens my stomach.

Well, what's it doing down here?

I'm not flabby anymore.

Oh, I see.

Might do you some good. I'm not flabby.

Oh, I see.

Well, how does it work?

You hang it on the doorknob. Here, like this for me?

Then you lie on the floor, you do your exercises. But, Emily, I really want to

get out of here. Well, let me try it. I never saw him.

Guess I don't know my own strength.

Well, let's go.

We're locked in here.

You're kidding.

I don't think it's funny. We're trapped.

Well, Bob, it's nothing to worry about. I mean, somebody's sure to come

downstairs to do their laundry.

Emily, when was the last time you did your laundry on July 4th at 5 o 'clock?

Well, I guess you're just going to have to break down the door with your

shoulder.

They only do that on television. I mean, it isn't that easy.

A man who lifts weights?

The man with the granite stomach can't knock down...

Sit there and look at the wedding album while I...

The

key pole's not going to do

it, Bob.

I need a jackhammer.

I can't even tell if it's day or night anymore.

How long have we been trapped down here?

Fifteen minutes.

Seems like 20.

We've got to get out of here.

We'll get a sharp spoon and we'll tunnel our way to our apartment.

Bob, we live on the fifth floor.

That's why it has to be sharp.

Is this room getting smaller?

I've seen too many prison pictures.

I feel like I'm in prison.

In prison they have bathrooms.

Don't even think about it.

I don't even think about food, either.

I haven't even had lunch. Oh, I did.

I had a cheeseburger and a double order of fries and a chocolate shake.

One of those real thick shakes?

Yeah.

The kind where the straw stands up all by itself?

Yeah.

The fries were nice and crispy and salty?

Yeah.

Pickles, onion, lettuce, cheese?

Special sauce, sesame seed bun?

Yes.

Emily, why are you taunting me like this?

Don't worry, Bob. We'll get you a cheeseburger when we get out of here.

If we ever get out of here.

You've done some dizzy things in your life, but taking this handle off was the

dumbest.

Well, you're the idiot who showed me how to use this stupid thing. I mean, for

all time dumbness, that takes the cake.

Did you say cake?

Chocolate cake.

Four layers, icing this thick a la mode, smothered in strawberries.

You are probably one of the most vicious people that has ever walked the face of

the earth.

All right, I'm going to try to jimmy it open. Give me your penknife.

You don't have a penknife? No, I left it with my ball -peen hammer in my socket

wrench.

Wait a minute, Bob. I just thought of something.

Howard's going to need that punch bowl for the party. He's got to come down

to get it.

Good idea.

We'll just wait until Howard comes down.

He's reliable.

Well?

What do you want to do until he comes down here?

Want to tell jokes?

Yeah, sure.

Why?

Why did the moron lock herself and her husband in the storage locker?

I need an iron.

Excuse me. I didn't realize you were that close to the green.

It's good, Bob.

Jingle bells.

That's it, then. We're trapped.

Bob.

Bob.

Bob, you love me.

Sure.

of history. Our names will be conspicuous by their absence.

Emily, of course I love you. Just that right now, I'm fighting for my life.

You ever wish we had kids?

Right now, I wish we had a kid who was a human mole.

Do you ever think about it?

Yeah, once in a while.

You had a little girl.

Somebody you could, you know, put on your knee and tell stories to.

She could wear frilly dresses and wear ribbons in her hair.

I think about a little boy.

You know, that's nice.

I mean, a girl for you and a boy for me.

You can't trust boys.

Huh?

Give them years of violin lessons, they want to become boxers.

And they're always borrowing the car keys, and they're not around when you

them, you know, like now.

I mean, where is that kid?

Coming,

coming.

It's a grand old flag, it's a high flag.

They said they only rented one of these.

I didn't rent this. I own it.

Why would you own that?

Well, I got it on sale. I knew it'd come in handy someday.

Shrewd purchase.

Okay, Howard, how about a drink?

No, thanks.

You see, what I meant was, how about offering me a drink? Oh, Bob hasn't come

with the booze yet.

Oh, how about something to eat?

Well, Emily hasn't come with the food yet.

Oh, you really know how to throw a party, Howard.

Thanks, dear.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

Well,

there goes best costume down the tube.

You could have thought of something more original.

Well, we were going to come as John Smith and Pocahontas, but Carol wouldn't

me rub makeup all over her body.

where everyone stands around and talks dirty all night?

Here's a mustard for your hot dogs, Howard. Thank you. I can't wait for the

dogs. You'll have to. Bob and Emily haven't shown up yet.

Where are they?

Probably gluing on their beards.

I'll get it.

That's another Uncle Sam.

Mr. Carlin. Hi.

How you doing, Ward?

I thought this was supposed to be

a...

A revolutionary spy?

You don't look like one. That's the secret of being a spy, Blockhead.

Where's Hartley and his wife?

Oh, uh, they'll be here. Uh, does anybody want, uh, any water, glass of

or maybe, uh, some mustard?

Uh, I'm okay for now.

This is so exciting. This is my first bison. Tell me you'll party.

You call this a party? The only one having any fun is him.

This him is me, Carol.

Oh, really?

Most girls look lousy in beards, but somehow you can really carry it on.

Okay, Howard, how about you going over and getting Bob, Emily, the food, and

booze? Not necessarily in that order.

Ah, good idea.

Okay, everybody, eat, drink, and be merry.

Well,

this is certainly delightful.

Did somebody say there was water?

I'll get it, hon.

Which would you prefer, hot or cold?

Which goes best with mustard?

Not at home. Maybe they forgot.

Forget about Bob and Emily. Where's the booze?

Well, their apartment was locked.

Here you go, Larry.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, I see you helped yourself with the refreshments.

I'm not going to wait all night. I'm going to...

Would you mind stopping by the laundry and getting my shirts?

It's the 4th of July. The laundry's closed.

Yeah, what was I thinking?

You were thinking it was open.

Hey, Carlin, how about you? You coming along?

No, I'd feel stupid going out dressed like this.

Well, it's not as if we're not going to get out of here.

I mean, it's just a matter of when.

I don't know, Emily.

I heard about this guy, a photographer, accidentally locked himself in his

darkroom. He was developing pictures.

No one knew he was there.

No one went to look for him.

Last time he was ever heard from.

Really? What happened to him?

Found him a month later.

Died of exposure.

Come on, Bob.

Not a pretty picture, Emily.

Probably. Oh, that's a damn shame.

Bob, did you ever make a will?

Yeah, I left everything to you.

That's not going to do much good if we're both done for.

I guess Howard will get everything.

Howard's already got everything.

Works out for the best.

Bob, if I died, And you didn't.

Would you remarry?

Sure.

Sure? Just like that? I mean, you don't even have to think about it?

I thought about it.

Well, what kind of woman would you look for?

Someone different than you.

Someone big enough to break through that door over there.

I would never remarry.

That's nice.

But it doesn't matter because we're probably doomed.

Bob, do you believe in reincarnation?

Only between consenting adults.

Well, I'd like to come back as a bird.

Good choice.

You know, just free, soaring in the wind.

The autumn sun gleaming on my feathers.

I'm coming back as Jack Nicklaus.

Maybe I could fly over your golf course.

Just don't chirp while I'm putting.

You know, uh, it's really kind of romantic.

I mean, we haven't zipped our sleeping bags together since our honeymoon

trip, remember?

Emily, we can't mess around in a storage locker.

Why not?

This may be our last hurrah.

We have to conserve our energy.

Where's the punch bowl?

Howard,

thank God you're here. Are we glad to see you, Howard.

Don't give me that.

You didn't want to come to my party. Why didn't you just say so? You didn't have

to hide.

That's it, he's out of the will.

Well, now what do we do?

Just keep conserving our energy.

Oh, what the hell.

May as well go out with a smile on our face.

I feel like we've been rescued by a vaudeville act.

Well, if we hadn't decided to play poker and Howard hadn't needed your card

table, you might never have been rescued at all.

You know, I'd really love to stay and chat, but you may notice that this

has all the conveniences but one.

I'll go with you. I have to powder my nose and comb out my beard.

We've got to play poker or not. I've got money burning a hole in my pocket.

Yeah, me too.

Are you in, Mr. Carlin?

Don't call me Mr. Carlin. You'll blow my cover.

talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

Bob, I just wanted you to know that I'm not mad at you anymore for ruining my

party.

And I want you to know, Howard, that I'm not mad at you for locking us back in

here.

What?

Hold it.

But it's fine, Howard. It gives us a chance to talk.

Well, what do you want to talk about?

Your life, which at this moment is hanging by a thread.

Your sentence is your Uncle Sam.