Original subtitles

to be an atomic scientist to change a typewriter ribbon these days.

Any fool can do that. It's easy.

There you go.

I think, fool, but I was trying to put it in.

Then you're going to have to hit an atomic scientist. I just extract them.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Jerry.

Oh, gee, Bob. Your aftershave smells like eau de garage.

I was filling my car at one of those self -service gas stations. I got gas in

them all over me.

It's very stylish.

You know, I was trying to save some money. It said buy nine gallons and the

tenth is on us.

No, the tenth is on you.

Is there a coffee, Carol? Oh, yeah, Bob. I just made some.

Don't forget to add some STP.

Singing telegram for Dr.

Hartley. Here's the compact mile over by the coffee.

I'm Dr.

Hartley. A birthday message for you.

It's not my birthday.

Well, yeah, let's stick away.

I'm Hartley, Dr. Robert Hartley. Here we are, here we are.

It's from your friend Cliff Murdoch. Oh, the peeper.

I think it's pronounced Murdoch.

Your friend Cliff Murdoch, the peeper, is coming to Chicago pretty soon.

He's looking forward to seeing you and Emily.

Driving the night of the four.

Don't go to any trouble. He'll be bringing a surprise.

Da -da -da -da!

Don't do that, lady. You'll get in trouble with the union.

Stupid telegram.

What is your sense of humor? That's very funny.

And there's a P .S. Oh, lay it on me. I can't wait.

P .S. This is C .O .D .U .O. 12 bucks.

Oh, that's funny.

Trying to hang yourself. It won't work with a bucket.

Just checking something out.

Did you check out one of these?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, have I got great news for you.

Oh, I can give you some great news.

Olive Sweeney got sick and I had to take her class on a nature outing. Do you

have any idea what crawls around the lock, Bob?

You want to hear my great news or not?

It's a slimy white thing.

Go tell Howard my great news. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. What's your great news?

The peeper's coming to Chicago.

That is great news.

When's a lucky day?

Tonight. Our cup runneth over.

The door, and then it'll fall on the feet when he walks in.

Why?

Because it's home.

Who's going to clean up the mess?

You do.

Yeah, that makes it fun.

Emily, he said he was bringing a surprise. Now, that can only mean a

joke. I've got to find something to top it.

I've got it, Bob.

Let's leave, and when he gets here, we won't be here.

You don't like the peeper, do you?

Well, I... I find it hard to identify with a 45 -year -old man with sneezing

powder in my compact.

I'd forgotten that.

That's the great thing about the peeper.

You know it's going to happen, but you don't know when.

It's kind of like death.

a contest to find a jingle for our airlines, and I need a rhyme for landing

gear.

Have a beer. Thanks.

Now about that rhyme for landing gear.

Have a beer rhymes with landing gear.

That's right it does.

I need one more.

Shut the door.

That's good, too.

What do you have so far on?

Landing gear, landing gear, landing gear, have a beer, shut the door.

Good. I like it. Thank you.

You know, maybe I could electrify the doorknob. I mean, the peeper would get a

charge out of that.

Hey, Mom, why don't you just hit him in the face with a pie and get it over

with? Emily, you know, in your scattershot way, you may have come up

something good.

Do you know, I have never hit Cliff Murdoch with a pie.

Cliff Murdoch, the snipper?

He's coming to town?

A few minutes.

You're going to hit him with a pie. Don't you think that's kind of corny?

It's not corny. It's funny.

Well, wouldn't it be funny if you just served it to him in a plate and didn't

give him a fork?

It's not funny. Why don't you bake him a cement pie, and then when he bites into

it, it'll break his teeth?

A practical joke is either funny or it isn't funny.

Oh, it's a practical joke. You mean like the time you and the winker, you nailed

my door shut and I walked into it and broke my nose? Exactly.

Ah, I get it.

If you break your teeth, it's not funny.

And if you break your nose, it is.

Can't wait to see what the surprise at the peak has.

How long are you going to stand by that door?

As long as it takes. The secret of a great practical joke.

His patience.

Hey, hey, hey!

It's him.

Welcome to Juvenile Jury. And I got a surprise for you!

Let's see what it is.

I don't know much about you.

Bob, this is for you.

What's this?

Cubs and Reds. Wow!

Hey, Bob got us those tickets.

That guy just dropped them off.

Baseball at Wrigley Field, huh? That's something else.

Yeah, sitting there in your shirts, sleeves in the bleachers.

Summer's done.

Hot beer in your hand, a cold hot dog in your lap.

Bob Hartley's one hell of a guy.

He's what friendship is all about. He's America to me.

Hi, Carol. Hi, Jerry. Hi, Bob.

Bob, you are a prince.

What do you mean?

I guess you know what I mean.

I guess I do.

Pepper just arrived.

Oh, great. The tickets. Oh, the people are going to love this game.

Yes.

two tickets there. Yeah, I know.

You're a communist.

Didn't he just say I was a prince?

Well, now you're the prince of Russia.

Is this the seventh floor?

Oh, Pete, congratulations.

Oh, thanks, Carol. It's not that big a thing. I've found the seventh floor

before.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

I never... saw two guys get along the way you do. Well, we're, uh, we're

buddies, you know, pals.

We're, uh, one, two, three, four, me, and my... Come on, Bob, like

in the old days.

And my shadow...

to tell our troubles to two grown men. And when it's time for fun,

we climb the stairs.

We never knock cause nobody's there, just

me and my shadow all

alone and feeling

routine for emily and and kareem maybe maybe we shouldn't kareem would love it

what do you think of her but isn't she wonderful you know she's changed my life

before i married her i was single yes she's

very nice she loves you bob you know even though the color did wash out of

hair from that banana cream pie yeah i'm sorry about that i should have used

lemon rang like you did

Say, you know, that pie gave me a great idea, Bob. We're going to serve it in

our restaurant.

What restaurant is that?

A fish restaurant we're opening in Maine, me and Corrine.

You're too much, a fish restaurant in Maine.

What's so funny about that?

Well, aren't there already, you know, a lot of fish restaurants in Maine?

Maybe, but you've got to give the people what they want. In Maine, they want

fish. They even have a senator named Muskie.

an afternoon planned for us. First, we see the Reds and the Cubs, get a little

pizza, get a little blotto, and talk over old times. Oh, I can't today.

I'm meeting Corrine at a restaurant supply house.

They got a new computerized oyster opener they say is out of this world.

Pete, the Reds and the Cubs, it's got to be terrific.

Well, maybe next time.

Listen, I just came down to tell you that we want to have dinner with you

tonight. You know, I want you and Emily to get to know Corrine.

Sure, sure. Well, how about lunch? You know, just the two of us, me.

Eh? What? No lunch for me.

Oh. Now, I'm trying to lose a couple of pounds. You know, I'm going to trim down

for the little lady.

You could stand to lose a few yourself, Bob. You look like you've got a beach

ball under your shirt.

I just need a little exercise.

Well, I've got the one that'll do the trick.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Get down on your hands and knees here. Now, go ahead. Right there on the floor,

like you're going to do a push -up.

Just...

Okay, now lift your left arm and your right leg.

Like this?

Perfect. Now bark.

Did you see the prices on this menu?

I wonder if it's called St. Mark's Tower. I'm the mark.

Your best friend just got married. The least you can do is show him a good time

without worrying about how much it's going to cost.

What's this doesn't turn around? I thought you didn't like it. Well, I like

since he married Corrine. She's terrific.

I don't know why we just couldn't have pizza.

I mean, Peep likes pizza. I like pizza. Pizza's perfect.

Oh, great idea coming here, Emily.

Well, he's a super dancer.

Yeah, I put the cha in the cha -cha -cha.

The trouble is, you put it right in that vault.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Pizza's perfect.

Clifford's perfect.

I haven't heard anybody call you Clifford since... Mary Beth Mosley.

Who? That's an old girlfriend of his back in college. Well, she wasn't

old, and she wasn't exactly a friend.

Was she a girl?

See, that's not the point.

One night, Cliff and I took her and her roommate out to a drive -in movie.

And we pulled the greatest practical joke we have ever pulled.

You must have been proud.

Did I tell you how Corrine and I got together?

No, but I think now would be a good time.

See, we had the girls go to the refreshment stand to pick up some

Right? Yeah.

See, Corrine was the head librarian in the Montpelier Free Library.

Oh, Clifford, you mustn't brag about me. I wasn't the head librarian. I was the

only librarian.

They only had 300 books.

So anyway, while the girls are gone, we take off all our clothes and put

pumpkins on our heads.

Good job.

You can imagine what we looked like. We couldn't stop laughing.

Good evening, may I take your order?

I'm in the middle of a story.

Right.

Now, the original plan was... I'm getting kind of hungry. The original

to hide under the car and leap out at the girl.

But you know something? It is physically impossible to crawl under a 1949

Studebaker with a pumpkin on your head.

So you and Cliff were both from Montpelier, huh? No, she was originally

Seattle. You're kidding.

I'm from Seattle.

Really?

You know those heaters that they put inside cars that they drive in? I

been there in a long time.

Oh, I bet it's still raining.

Accidentally, I bump into Cliff, and it singes his pumpkin, remember?

Seattle's where Corrine learned all about fish.

And pretty soon, the pumpkin fumes are filling the car.

Have you finished your story yet?

I'm just getting to the best parts.

Well, I wanted you to know that we just ran out of calves' brains.

So anyway,

the girls come back and they see two guys sitting there naked without any

clothes on with one pumpkin on the head burning and smoke billowing out.

That is my favorite story.

Yeah, mine too. Excuse me, Bob.

They're playing our song.

Moonlight in Vermont. Shall we trip to like fantastic?

No, let's just dance.

Oh, good story, Bob.

I'm going to pat on my nose.

You know, pumpkin fumes can be deadly.

Well, the windows were all open and, you know, there wasn't a lot of smoke.

I guess over the years we tend to embellish our stories a little bit.

Yeah, we weren't, you know, really naked. We had our shorts on.

Kind of figured that.

You really didn't have pumpkins on your heads, did you?

No.

Girls never came back from the refreshments.

Imagine, Corrine coming from Seattle.

Yeah, imagine.

We practically grew up next door to each other.

Great. She is a terrific girl.

Well... You don't like her, do you?

Yeah, she's fine, except she's a little pushy.

Unless she dominates the conversation, she isn't interesting.

I don't know if you noticed tonight, but she constantly interrupted my story.

Frankly, I consider that a plus.

I'm going to bed.

Oh. Why are you in such a lousy mood?

I'm not in a lousy mood, considering I just blew a hundred bucks at a

that didn't even have cabs break.

Well, I had a terrific time.

And so did Cliff, and so did Corrine.

You know, I don't know what he sees in her.

I know why you don't like her. You think she's coming between you and Cliff.

That is ridiculous.

Cliff and I are like Paul Newman and Robert Redford in Butch Cassidy and the

Sundance Kid.

Talk about your absurd comparisons.

All right, then the sting.

Not even close.

More like Mickey Rooney and Ernest Fork now.

Don't push it, Emily. Oh, honey.

You just feel left out.

I do not.

I know how you feel. I felt the same way when you and Cliff were together.

That is just not true.

Oh, remember when you two filled Jerry's spit sink with Jell -O? Did you ask me

to be part of it?

When you went and knocked on apartment doors and you ran, did you ask me to be

part of it? No.

Well, knocking on doors and running is a man's sport.

If you'd gotten caught, you probably would have turned us in.

And where were you yesterday afternoon?

I went to the baseball game with Bob.

He said it was okay.

You what?

Jerry, what a fabulous game.

If you enjoyed it so much, why don't you get season tickets?

I wouldn't have time. I work all day.

I think I could solve that problem.

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Carol, have my two tickets to the completely sold -out John Denver Frank

Sinatra, Neil Diamond, Count Basie, all of Fitzgerald, Fred Astaire concert

arrived as yet?

No, but your shirts are ready.

When the two tickets to that once -in -a -lifetime concert do arrive, kindly let

me know. I want to invite my best and dearest friend in the world, Bernard J.

Tupperman, to accompany me.

Jerry, I looked for you when I heard the peep couldn't go to the game, but they

said you had gone to lunch. I'm sorry if you're upset.

Forget it, Bob.

I'm not upset.

Anyway, you didn't miss anything. It was just a baseball game. Right.

There's nothing unusual about an 11 -inning 15 -to -14 game.

It was the two triple plays that made it unusual.

You both communists!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey.

Hey, two hey's short.

Hey, hey.

Thanks, Carol.

Oh, what brings you here?

I was in the neighborhood looking at some bun warmers for the restaurant.

I thought you might like to have lunch.

You and me and Corrine?

You don't like her, do you, Bob?

No, she's fine. She's very attractive for an ex -librarian.

I understand.

When you married Emily, I didn't like her either.

You didn't?

Well, she's kind of pushy.

Are you talking about my Emily, Emily Hartley?

Yeah.

And she has no sense of humor.

She's a stick in the mud.

She has a great sense of humor. She laughs at everything.

I've seen people sucking lemons smile more.

You know the party bit I do where I put my shoes on the wrong feet and wear my

coat backwards?

She always breaks up at that.

Yeah, I've heard it. It's a forced laugh.

She could hardly breathe last night when I told that pumpkin story.

I didn't hear her laugh.

Well, rough. She was rolling in the aisle.

She's a sourpuss.

I hate her.

Hate? You hate her?

That's an awful strong word, hate.

Well, it fits.

How can you say that?

You ate her cooking?

She let you sleep in our garage?

Bob, I love Emily.

I wish you'd make up your mind.

I've always loved Emily. First of all, because you love her. Second of all,

because I love her. But you get the point, don't you, Bob?

Yeah, you hate my wife.

I love your wife, and I want you to love my wife, too.

Well, I like her, and I'm sure in time that I'll grow to love her. And I'm

sorry if I offended you.

Bob.

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

When you married Emily, our friendship didn't end, and it's not going to end

now.

Yeah, you're right. We're a team.

Like, um... Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

Or, um... Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.

I was thinking more, uh... Robert Redford and Mickey Rooney.

That's kind of ludicrous, Bob.

Yeah, you're much taller than Mickey.

What time is it?

Uh, 12 o 'clock.

Well, when it's 12 o 'clock, we climb the stairs.

We never walk alone.

Are you sure that's the way you do it? Yeah, I saw Bob trying it out. You see,

you put the bucket on top of the door, then when somebody opens the door, it

falls on their head.

Is it funny?

Well, it's supposed to be.

Well, I don't get it. Me neither.

Anybody home?

Oh, Howard. Howard, don't come in.

I've got to come in.

I've got to sing Bob my jingle.

Where is Bob?

He's not home yet. Oh, well, then I'll sing my jingle.

Fly me to the moon.

We leave the 6th of June.

Unless we get fogged in, then we leave the 7th.

It's a beauty, Howard.

Thanks. I had a hard time getting fogged in to rhyme with the seventh.

I'll see you later, crocodile.

Are you sure you used a bucket?

Yeah, Bob says it's not funny unless you use a bucket.

Wait a minute. I think I hear the elevator.

Uh -oh, that must be them. Come on. I'm dying to see how they react from the

jokes on them.

Hi, Emily. Hi, honey.

Hi, Clifford.

Where's Bob?

He's right behind me. I'm going to wash up.

Well, what have you two been up to?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Well, I'm starved. I'm going to change.

By the way, it's impossible to close that door with that bucket stuck on top

it.

Keep practical jokes.