Original subtitles

Ellen. Yeah? You missed a spot and your mother's bound to notice.

Oh, no, Emily, that spot's on your side.

Well, let's vote.

Oh, my mother, maybe we should replace the glass.

Well, how about a take ten?

Ellen, we forgot to dust the lampshades. Oh, that was a quick ten.

Emily, where's my yellow flannel shirt?

That was my favorite shirt.

It was like an old yellow friend.

You know, one day you're young and you got all your buttons, and the next day

they're mopping up the floor with you.

Let it go, Bob. Life goes on. Yeah, and so does the waxing.

Emily, Thanksgiving is still two days away. You've waxed that table three

already. You're waxing wax.

Maybe that is enough cleaning.

I think I'll just dust the plant dirt.

I do not believe what we're going through for a Thanksgiving dinner. Why

we just go out?

We should have done what Dad suggested and go fishing.

We haven't had Thanksgiving dinner together for five years.

That's because it takes five years to get the house this clean.

Oh, don't be silly. I'm not doing anything I wouldn't normally do.

Say, do you think these leaves would shine if I rub mayonnaise on them?

Yeah, then we can eat them.

Hi.

Oh, wow. Well, I finally got the corners to watch.

Thanks a lot.

Howard.

These are frozen. How can I hang them on the front door?

Oh, they're for decoration.

It's a Hartley tradition.

The only tradition my family knew was divorce.

Don't worry about it, honey.

Marriage is a tradition in our family. Years and years of it.

Yeah, but first I want to make a great impression on your parents, you know?

me help, okay?

Well, Howard, if you really want to help, you can put the corn and the

the freezer.

Yeah, good, good. Then you can tell your parents that I did it, okay?

Howard, wait, wait.

Oh,

Howard, don't go in there. I just washed the kitchen floor.

Howard, if you figure it out, you're really gonna impress my parents.

Nothing because I have your Thanksgiving assignments for you. Well, I was going

to make a couple of pies.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey, but Bob's mother's in charge of pies.

We do have an opening in carrot sticks and olives, though.

Well, I don't know if I can handle that.

Everything else is taken care of. What if I make one of my world -famous

spinach soufflés? You're on.

What can I bring him with? Cheers.

Okay, cheers.

Okay, fine.

Is Bob busy?

Nope. Hey, Emily, did you see Carol's brooch?

Bruce, the pin I made for Carol. Carol showed it to me.

You made that? Yeah.

Out of what?

Stevie Seldon's braces.

Out of the mouths of babes, off time comes jewelry.

See there, it's in the shape of Illinois.

And the zircon is Springfield. Now, if Carol ever gets tired of it, she can

turn it upside down and it'll become Nevada.

In which case, the zircon would be Las Vegas.

Swell. You like it?

Well, uh... I like it on Carol. You know, she can carry it. Well, look, I

make one for you. I'm yanking out Kim Turley's retainer today.

I don't think so, Jerry.

You know, I don't know Kim that well.

Hi, honey. You want to go to lunch? Oh, Bob, I don't have time for anything.

Your mother's seen to that.

I have to pick up the freshly picked sweet potatoes at the produce market in

exactly 22 minutes, and then I have to get the cranberries damp from the bog so

that your mother can make the cranberry pilgrims.

Yeah, that's a Hartley tradition along with the pecan walnut Indians.

Then I have to hit the Southside cream where you pick up the centerpiece.

That would be the big letter H chiseled out of butter.

Right.

Ellie, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I want to get started on your pin. Oh,

don't go to any trouble.

No trouble at all. I just want to know, you know, what state you want.

California? Texas?

Well, how about Rhode Island?

you could have missed it. I just taped a little elbow grease.

I guess that's the one thing we forgot to buy.

Oh, I suppose nobody's going to stuff the cornucopia.

Why don't you stuff it, Martha?

Yeah, Mom, nobody stuffs a cornucopia like you.

Herb, why don't you put down what you're doing and help me?

Can't catch a trout with a half -tied fly.

You really got that down to an art. What? Not helping you?

No, tying the fly.

I'll tell you something, son. I've been tying this same fly for the last 20

years.

It's going to be a dandy when you get through.

Yeah, I'll be 112.

Oh, Sonny, could you fold the napkins into a fan design?

I don't think so.

Why can't we just sit boy -girl, boy -girl?

I'll do the place cards.

Bob, would you put the leaves on the table so we see how much room we need

the eight of us? Eight? You mean you're having those friends of yours in the

office sit at the table with us?

Why not?

No reason, except when we start reminiscing, they'll feel awfully out of

We'll just lock them in the closet.

How much reminiscing are you planning on doing, Martha?

Five years' worth.

I wouldn't mind sitting in the closet.

Oh, your mincemeat pies are ready. Oh, take them out of the oven, dear, and no

snitching. I know how you love mincemeat. Well, I'll try and control

Now, there.

It's all finished.

Nobody breathe till it settles.

Emily, where's your bundt pan?

Gee, I don't think we have a Bundt pan.

Sometimes we go a whole week without Bundt.

Make light of it, Sonny, but a kitchen without a Bundt pan is like coffee

without eggshells. Oh, by the way, where are the eggshells? They're probably in

the Bundt pan.

Very amusing, Herb. Come on, Martha, I'm taking you home.

You've done enough for one night.

Yeah, I think we're all a little tired.

All right, dear. Oh, but wait till I get my bird out of the freezer.

You know, it's really quite heavy.

Now, isn't it lovely, dear?

Yeah, it looks as good as when you brought it over in July.

Somebody order a turkey!

What?

Party!

Oh, what are you doing

here? Oh, you're sitting home

last night. Your mother said, Junior, we can't let... this Thanksgiving go by

without seeing the kids, why don't we take the night coach out to Chicago?

And so, here we are. Oh, well, this is really a family Thanksgiving.

Well, I hope this 35 -pound turkey isn't too big.

I had to pay half -effort on the plane.

We already have a turkey.

We can use two turkeys, Mom.

Oh, and Emily, I brought my recipe for oyster stuffing. Oyster? I planned on

chestnut. Well... We can use both, Mom.

Yes, Mom.

Mom brought one of her famous Thanksgiving pies.

It isn't mincemeat, is it?

Pumpkin.

Mincemeat makes Emily sick.

Look, why don't we all sit down and I'll make some coffee, huh?

But there's no time. We have a lot to do.

There's nothing to do. I have it all under control.

Oh, good.

Say, Hurd, still catching fish?

If they're biting, I'm catching.

And if they're not biting?

I'm waiting.

Herb, I think we better go.

Oh, don't be silly, Martha. Sit down. No, I'll just stand here.

Out of the way.

How long has it been, Herb? We've been married 45 years.

We gave them a radio. You bought them a car.

It's our favorite radio.

Yeah, it has FM and everything.

Yeah, we still have it.

We sold a car.

Oh, it was a great little car.

I hope we haven't thrown a monkey wrench into your plans, Emily. But you know,

Junior, he really so wanted to be here.

Oh, no. You haven't changed our plans one bit.

Let's just change the menu.

The portions will be small.

Come on, Martha. Who cares about food?

I do. Food is a Hartley tradition.

Isn't it, sonny?

We've always believed in food.

You see, now we have two families here. We have the Hartleys and the Harrisons.

It's turned into quite a mob, hasn't it?

No one's going to go hungry with that big bird.

Big? It's grotesque.

Martha, you've got to admit, your bird is a little scrawny.

gone to an awful lot of trouble, Junior Harrison.

And Junior appreciates that, don't you, Junior?

Oh, sure I do, Bob.

I can see the work that went into all this.

It looks very nice.

Bob?

No, I'm almost sorry, my... parents came.

It's okay. It's my mother's fault. She acted silly.

No, no.

I really have to apologize.

It shouldn't have been so impulsive to just drop in.

My mother's been tough on your folks.

I mean, they were nice enough to come by, although they could have called.

Well, you know Daddy and his surprises.

Yeah, it's kind of irritating, his little sneak attacks.

Well, there was nothing sneaky about your mother's attack on my father. I

she made him feel about as welcome as the mumps.

My father insulted my mother.

He did not.

He insulted her bird.

Well, she insulted him when she asked him if he wanted Junior or his regular

adult name on his place card.

You have to admit, Junior is kind of a silly name for a grown -up.

Well, so is Sonny.

Oh, Bob, listen to us. We're being as childish as they are.

Yeah, you're right.

You know, Bob, we're going to have to find some strategic way to keep them

getting into a fight tomorrow.

I'll tell you what we'll do. You take care of your folks, I'll take care of my

folks. Your dad wants anything, you handle it. My mother wants anything,

take care of it. Oh, okay.

Say, Bob, would you go to the all -night market?

Now? Well, I forgot to pick up that special brand of coffee your mother

and the markets are closed tomorrow.

She's your mother.

No.

No, if you... If you can't make it, you can't make it.

No, I understand.

Okay.

Bye, Dad.

Well, scratch two play settings and one turkey.

All right, Dad.

Okay. Anarchy Harrison and Cornelius Harrison, Jr. Why aren't they coming?

my father said he ran into an old army buddy at the hotel who insisted they

dinner together, but I don't believe him.

Well, it's possible.

Father wasn't in the army.

It's because of my mom, isn't it? Well, it could be. Could be. They said they

might drop by for dessert when the crowd thinned out.

Hi, honey. Oh, they're beautiful.

Thank you.

No, these are not for you. They're for your mom.

Thanks.

I thought you were wearing your uniform, Helen. Well, I thought I'd save time.

You know, I'm flying out at 11 tonight, and your folks have never seen me in my

uniform.

And tan makes me look tall and responsible.

Howard, don't worry. Mrs. Hartley already likes you, and Mr. Hartley will

you the minute he meets you.

I'm not going to worry. I'm just going to play it by ear.

Bob, I'd like you to lead the conversation a certain way.

What way, Howard?

My way.

I want your parents to know you know certain things about me.

Well, they know I love you. What else?

Well, I'd like them to know that I'm dependable.

You got it, Howard. Tall and dependable.

And would you tell him what a good navigator I am?

How would I know?

Well, I'm here, aren't I?

Twelve hours ago, I was up in Rio.

Rio was down.

Forget that I'm a navigator.

It's forgotten.

Will you tell me what your mom made so I can ooh -naw over it?

Oh, sure. She made the stuffing and the vegetables.

Ooh.

The sweet potatoes in the roll.

Ah. The squash loaf and the pies.

Ooh. And Emily made the turkey.

Ah. Oh,

how do I look?

Oh, tall and dependable.

Oh.

Oh, hi.

Hi, everybody.

Is that the spinach loaf?

Uh -huh. What's left of it.

without a seatbelt.

Well, we'll just get spoons and go down to your car.

You've got some spinach on your blouse.

No, no, that's a pin Jerry made for me.

Wait a minute.

Who comes to next to Jerry?

Well, who do you want to sit next to, Howard?

Mrs. Hartley.

All right, we'll do this.

There.

Why does Jerry get to sit next to Mr. Hartley?

All right, Howard. I'll put Mr.

Hartley next to you, and I'll put Jerry next to Bob. How's that?

Fine.

Are you happy now, Howard?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just... Up down here.

Here. There we go.

Hold it. Hold it.

Hi, Bob. I'm sorry I'm late. I had to go to four different places to get four

different chairs. I mean, it's really hard to get folding chairs for

Thanksgiving. I had to wedge them into my sports car. I got grease all over my

shirt. I had to go over and change my shirt.

But I got all the chairs. I'm here, so everything's okay.

Oh, we borrowed four of Howard's, Jerry, but thanks anyway.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mom.

How come you're late?

You're not late.

You're not here.

You're not coming.

Oh, no.

Look, Mom, I really know why you're not coming, and I think it's silly.

And I don't believe that Dad is sick.

Well, I've never heard of a trick wrist.

Look, if it makes any difference, the Harrisons aren't coming either.

His wrist just snapped back into place.

I guess that's one of the tricks it does, huh?

Yeah, we'll see you for dessert.

Bob, my parents are coming for dessert.

I know.

Hey, do you think we could eat? Because I'm paying for these chairs by the hour.

All right, everybody, let's just sit down.

I don't know.

Howard? Honey,

you're there. Carol? Carol, you're here.

Jerry, I don't know where you are.

Somehow I'm here.

but tall.

Why don't you tell us a little about yourself, Howard?

Jerry, thanks for bringing the chairs. I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to sit

down.

No problem, Bob. They only cost about 12 bucks.

I'll pay for them. Die right you will.

Well, I'll be moving along in my spinach mobile now.

for coming, Carol.

Oh, listen, Emily, thank you.

Hey, that's the greatest meal ever. You deserve a medal.

In fact, take mine.

Oh, no.

I couldn't, and I wouldn't, and I mean it.

Well, okay. Good night, everybody. Good night, Carol. Nice seeing you again.

Same here.

Bye -bye. Good night, dear.

Oh, Emily, you sure make a great pie.

Tastes just like your mother's.

Bob's mother made it.

Oh?

Well, it's good.

Well, the crust could be a little more moist.

Junior, that's your third piece.

Well, I didn't have any dinner.

I mean, I, uh, I didn't eat too much of what we're talking over all Navy days.

I thought it was Army.

Well, Army, Navy, what's the difference? We won, didn't we?

Well, look, King, I've, uh, I've got to go.

Were you off too hard? Well, I'm flying, uh, up to Alaska.

We're just going to the door.

Mom, Dad.

Mr. and Mrs. Hartley. Hello.

Well, look, I got to go now. I'm flying to Alaska. It's my job. It's not

dangerous. I have a good job and I have a great retirement.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Who is that?

was my fiancee.

It's your life.

Come on in.

Herb, don't take off your coat. We can't stay here. Well, I'm staying. I'm going

to have a piece of pie.

You won't like it, Herb. The crust isn't moist.

Yeah, the pie is perfect.

You might as well come in, Mom.

You tricked me, Sonny.

Mom, when is it going to be time when you stop being so stubborn?

Herb. Say something to your boy.

There's my pie, boy.

I'll get it, Pop.

Ellen, can I get some coffee to wash down this pie crust?

You know, I thought I was on vacation from third graders.

Sorry. Look, can't you two get along with each other?

Well, I don't know what you're talking about.

I do. Martha, you're no fun.

I see. I suppose your idea of fun is gate crashing.

Right.

Martha, you have two wonderful kids.

I can't understand it.

Why ruin a holiday like Thanksgiving with petty arguing?

I mean, maybe I shouldn't bring up his name at this time, but I think it was

Sigmund Freud who once said... What's in this coffee?

Egg shells.

You're kidding.

Herb, let's go.

Come on.

Sit down.

But, Herb... Sit down.

Yes, dear.

That's telling, Herb. Shut up, Junior.

I've got to admit, she isn't always easy to live with.

She's too organized.

She's too clean.

She is inflexible sometimes.

But she's the only woman I know who can clean a catfish and not break its spine.

She's a good mother.

And all in all, she's one hell of a woman.

I wish you wouldn't swear, Herb.

Now, Junior, I like you.

You're a real man's man.

Thanks, Herb. But you're overbearing and inconsiderate.

And Aggie's got her hands full with you.

Thanks, Herb.

Now, Junior, neither you nor Martha is going to change, so why don't you both

look at what you have in common?

You both love Bob and Emily. You both want to be here.

So why don't you both shape up?

Well, that's what Freud would have said with a... Maybe with a Viennese

accent.

Well, you know, uh...

This crust really isn't bad, Martha.

Well, thanks, Junior.

It wasn't one of my best crusts. The best I ever had.

Thank you.

Oh, and thanks for bringing the turkey. Mine was too small.

Oh, the only reason it was too small is because you didn't expect us. We should

have called ahead.

Oh, I don't know.

Surprises are very nice.

Not when it ruins someone's plans.

Oh, plans are made to be changed.

I think I created a monster.

That's what happens when amateurs dabble in psychology.

Why don't we all go over to the table and sit down and Bob can carve the bird.

Mike, I want to sit next to you. Oh, no. That would be lovely.

Are you going to sit next to me? This surely is a mountain of turkey.

Dad, do you want to do the honors?

Can't. It's a trick wrist.

Not too much for me, Bob. I want to save room for some of Martha's pie.

Oh, how sweet of you, Junior.

Boy, am I glad the bickering's over.

Me too.

Now, how about this fiancé of yours?

Well, Pop, you only met him for a minute, but he's really very nice.

Oh, and dependable.

And tall.

He seemed like a flake to me.

Carol, would you call the florist and send a dozen roses to Emily's mother?

Gee, Bob, that's really thoughtful of you.

Well, they're not for me. They're for my father. It's kind of a peace offering.

He told her she was a darn good -looking woman for a woman of 60.

Well, she is.

She's 56.