All language subtitles for Bobs.Burgers.S15E16.Shell.Game.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

[♪ theme music playing]

Congratulations.

Louise, what are you doing?

Are you writing "You've won burgers
for life" on the napkins again?

It's our famous
Golden Napkin Promotion.

Relax,
it's only every tenth napkin.

- I won!
- Yay, Tina!

So proud of you.

- Oh, my God!
- Hello, Bob.

Linda Bob.
Assorted Belchkins.

- Hi, Mr. Fischoeder.
- [all greeting]

Uh, you can't be here for rent
'cause we're not even late.

Well, we're late,
but we're not late.

We're early... late.

We're playing hard to get...
checks from.

No, I'm here to
hand deliver an invitation.

I'm saving money on stamps.
That's how I got rich.

That and being born rich.

"You are cordially invited
to a brunch..."

Cordially! Us!

Ooh, brunch!

"To honor the 100th birthday
of Ulysses Fischoeder."

- Who's that?
- That is my oldest living relative

and still pretty hot
for a tortoise.

Uh, wait, you're throwing a 100th
birthday party brunch for a tortoise?

Uh, yeah, Dad. [scoffs]
This guy.

Ulysses
isn't just any tortoise.

He's met Lindbergh.

He made Garbo smile.

Three presidents
have shaken his foot.

Who's ever shaken
your foot, Bob?

Uh, no one.

Did you all say you wanted
to see some family photos?

- I mean, I was thinking it.
- [Linda] Ooh!

[Gene] It must have been wild, the day
everything in the world turned to color.

Now I'll save you a stamp
and collect your RSVPs, so...

I mean, thank you... But we don't really
close for reptile birthdays, so...

I don't remember
that being in our charter.

And a tortoise party is the best
invitation this family has had in months,

- possibly ever.
- I believe you.

Yeah, I want to go.

- Shell, yes!
- I'm turtle heading already.

Or should I say
tortoise heading?

- You should.
- You shouldn't.

- So, Bob?
- [sighs] Fine.

[all] Yay!

Wow!

I thought the turtle
on Entourage had a busy social life.

You're Calvin's scruffy
burger buddy, right?

- Barb, isn't it?
- Yep.

- It's Barb.
- No, no, it's uh, Bob.

Hi, Randolph.
This is my family.

They're... well, you know...

- Hello!
- Hmm. Are you catering this event?

I'll have a margarita pizza
and a falafel.

No, we're not catering.

Dad, get the man
a margarita pizza.

- [groans]
- Welcome, Belchers.

- Prosecco?
- I won't say prosec-no. [chuckles]

Uh, here's a present
for Ulysses.

It's a ball
that you put treats inside.

Okey-dokey.

A ball with treats inside?
Did someone just fix sports?

So, where's the birthday boy?

He's off with Inga,
putting his face on.

Jeez, look at all these
turtle party people. Oh, who's that?

That's Bailey Cornwallis,
an old paramour of mine.

- She's pretty.
- You should see her naked.

- Like I did, many times.
- Mmm.

- Okay.
- You guys enjoying the turd ass...

I mean, tortoise party?

- Felix, be nice. It's Ulysses' Day.
- I am being nice!

Tell him to be nice!
Why does he get the day?

It's my birthday, too!

When it's your 100th,
we'll celebrate.

Get ready, bro.

Calvin, when are you
going to let me represent Ulysses?

There is honking demand right now
for tortoises with the right look.

Bob, this is Ian.

He's a pet agent.

Uh, yes, hi. We've met.

Wait, are you the guy who had
the squirrel that lived in your hair?

- Yes.
- [sighs] No.

Calvin, I just took a call from
a major moisturizer brand.

They're looking for a tortoise
to be the face of dry skin.

We're talking real money.
Moisturizer money.

Mmm, yeah.
I'll think about it.

It films in Croatia,

where the tortoise labor laws
are a little more loosey-goosey.

And don't even get me started
on their goose laws.

Mmm, stuffed dates.

Hey, I hear you used
to date Mr. Fischoeder.

- Ha! [chuckles] I'm Linda.
- Bailey.

Yes, we used to stuff
each other's dates.

Bailey, you're naughty.

What can I say? He's my type.

Handsome, rich, one-eyed.

- Oh.
- It's called mono-ocular-philia.

And, sister, I got it bad.

Aw! So sweet.

Well, what happened
with you two?

Oh, the usual. My business took off,
I was traveling all the time.

This was before sexting,
so we faxed each other.

We called it saxting.
And it wasn't very satisfying.

Ah, it still sounds
kind of hot. That fax comin' in...

[imitates fax machine]

Gather around, everyone.

It's time to say hello
to the reptile that makes you smile.

[whistles] Hopefully,
that was the right whistle.

If Inga brings in the panther,
just stand very still.

Happy...

Okay, started way too soon,
my bad.

- Poop, poop, poop.
- Wow, lot of it.

The turtle eat and poop
all day.

It only take break
when making sex to ottoman in my room.

Can't you just be
happy for them, Inga?

His poop is very green.
What's his secret?

Dandelion leaves.
It grow over there,

is turtle's favorite.

Is like its crack.

- My crack is crackers.
- My crack is crack.

What is...

Uh, it's a treat ball.

You hide treats inside it
and it stimulates...

I should have done
a gift card.

Yeah, you should have.
Now, thank you all for coming.

Ulysses has outlived my grandfather,
my father, and will someday outlive me.

With my millionaire lifestyle,

I'm just one space
tourism disaster away from a pine box.

Yes, I mean, a Chris Pine
branded custom casket.

Oh, that's got to be gorgeous.

The Fischoeder
Family Tortoise Trust or "FFTT",

as I call it,
requires a successor guardian to be named.

Randolph, Felix, Ian,
Bailey, Bob--

- [Randolph] It's Barb.
- No, it's... ugh, never mind.

Today, you five
will have the chance to compete

for Ulysses' affection, and be joined
with him in future holy guardianship.

- Oh.
- [gasps]

- Wowie.
- Hmm.

- Hmph.
- Oh, no.

And whoever is chosen will also receive
a yearly stipend of $10,000.

- [Tina] Whoa.
- [Gene gasps]

Yes! You're winning this.

- No, Louise, I'm not.
- Yes!

- No, no. I'm not doing it.
- Yes! Yes!

So one of you will win
the guardianship and Ulysses' heart.

And today, in this solarium,
love will bloom.

Much like my opium poppies over there,
[chuckling] you don't see those.

Um, can I talk to you,
Mr. Fischoeder?

Yeah. So,
I'm not at all interested in--

Can you excuse us?

- Uh, okay.
- Dad, we are interested.

You know we've wanted a pet forever,
and I could ride around on it

like a tortoise queen,
who also gets paid $10,000 a year.

- Louise, no.
- And look at it this way,

it's not just a pet for us,
it's a pet for our children.

Think of Tina Junior.

- Yeah.
- Tina Junior's gonna need this.

- Wait, what?
- Aw, she's gonna be fine.

Where would a tortoise
even go?

Our apartment's cramped
and possibly not even good for people.

May I butt in? What about that
unused space on the ground floor?

Do you mean our restaurant?

Uh, oh, forgot. Yeah, well, you know,
you'd have the stipend.

Plus, the tortoise
has some investments of his own.

In a shell company, I assume.

You could rent
something nicer.

Then it would be
like the tortoise is our landlord.

- Love that.
- Mr. Fischoeder, what about Inga?

She already takes care of it.

Inga. [chuckling] I'm not sure
she'd be that keen on the idea.

Primarily
because she hates him.

But let's check. Inga, would you like
to be Ulysses' guardian?

[blows raspberry]

- There you go.
- Well, it doesn't matter.

I won't win anyway.

Animals don't really like me.

Do you think it's 'cause they see
into your soul, and they're like, "Nah."

Is it 'cause
they're threatened by all your body hair?

Is it 'cause when it rains,
you get that wet dad smell?

Hmm, yeah, maybe.

[clears throat] Now, you're all going to
join in a series of fun activities

in order to get better
acquainted with Ulysses.

You're gonna be judged
on bonding, chemistry, and general vibe.

You'll also each get intimate one-on-one
time with him down at his mud wallow.

But first,
Inga has some carrots for you.

Um, why are we
getting carrots?

Remember, I'm looking for eye contact
and body language.

Um, this is weird.

Not sure
what's weird about this.

You're acting
like this is the first time

you've tried to seduce
a tortoise with a carrot in your mouth.

- I hate you.
- Felix.

I said, uh,
"You're great, you." Turd-ass.

- [whimpers]
- Don't look away. Don't look away!

It's like that scene in Alien.

Be open to love.

Ulysses passed to me.

We've connected.
And back to my good friend Ulysses.

Get in there, Dad.

If Ulysses sees I'm open
and doesn't pass to me,

it's kind of a sign
that we're not--

- Oh, darn.
- Kick it back!

- [grunts] Oh. Whoops. Sorry.
- [Ulysses groans]

Bob's trying to kill
the tortoise!

No, I'm not.

I'll... I'll just
stop playing.

Look at Ulysses go out there.

If only we could
have that energy when we're 100, right?

- [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

Well, I'm going to have it,
so, joke's on you.

All I need is a simple

but slightly illegal procedure
where stem cells are harvested

from our tortoise friend's bone marrow
and injected into my me marrow.

Then guess who's blowing out
150 birthday candles?

Randolph Brackenbrown.

Oh. Uh, would the tortoise
survive that?

Oh, I hope so.
Then I could do it again.

- Scrotum!
- What?

I think that's where
they'll inject it.

Scrotum. Fortunately,
I have a huge one.

That's great.
That's good for you.

Next trivia question.

What color are Ulysses' eyes?

[scoffs] Too easy.

Trick question.
It doesn't have eyes.

Black, wet and full of money.
[whispering] Don't write the money part.

Not sure of the color,
but I know he's got two of them...

for now.

So the stand-up
comedy challenge.

As we all know, Ulysses has
an amazing sense of humor,

if a bit
politically incorrect.

And the winner
of this challenge

will receive
five extra minutes

of one-on-one time
with him in the mud wallow.

So bring the funny.

Ulysses, your poop
is so fibrous,

when you defecate, I don't know
whether to gag or knit a sweater.

Okay, this is my impression
of Ulysses running as fast as he can.

Um, what's a tortoise's
favorite kind of music?

Slow jams.

[laughing]
Ah, forget it.

- Hack.
- It's his delivery.

Oh, that's my time.

Look, Dad,
you're not bringing it.

You half assed
the shell waxing event.

You were very stand-offish
during the tortoise tickling.

And the less said
about the...

So That Tortoise
Thinks You Can Dance segment the better.

- Agreed.
- I don't really know

how the scoring works,

- but I have you in last place.
- I'm fine with that.

Oh, hi, Ian.
How was your one-on-one time with Ulysses?

Oh, I think
we both felt something.

By the way, I'm doing
some market research.

How interested would you be
in a streaming series about a tortoise

who goes back to high school?

But it's also
a murder mystery.

You know what? Never mind,
I see it in your eyes that you love it.

Eh, I don't know if show business
is a good life for a tortoise.

The press junkets,
the scrutiny...

On the other hand, he could get
an earring, like Harrison Ford.

Yeah, Ian's maybe not great.

And Felix can barely
take care of himself.

And Randolph over there wants to
suck out the tortoise's bone marrow?

Where are your bones?

So not ideal.

- Oh, hey, Bailey.
- I'm up next, I think.

And I'm ready
to flirtle with a turtle.

Bailey, you seem rich.

You probably have
a nice, big yard

for the tortoise
to run around in, huh?

I do. I have a big game park.

Ooh, games are fun.

Yeah. We have
a lot of big animals there,

running around,
enjoying themselves.

- That's nice.
- And then people shoot them.

- What? Shoot them?
- I mean, they usually miss.

Sometimes
we have to shoot them

and tell the client
they shot them.

Customer service.

- Okay, um--
- But that shell's bulletproof, right?

- He'll be fine.
- Wow.

So, I guess
everyone here is terrible.

Too bad
animals hate you so much, Dad.

- Yeah. Thank you, Tina.
- You're welcome.

Gene, Tina, could I speak
to you privately?

- About... childhood?
- Hmm.

Dad needs help.
He needs something that's like...

- performance enhancing.
- Calf implants?

I've been a squeaky wheel
on that one.

- No, like a... Oh! Come on.
- I like Dad's skinny calves.

It's like his ankles
just keep going.

You're up, Bob.

This mud
isn't going to wallow itself.

- [sighs]
- Hold on, Dad.

- Let's smarten you up a little.
- Okay.

Tuck that shirt in.

Fluff up
whatever cute little muscle is in there.

- I'm just doing a general dusting.
- There.

Wow, Bob.
I want to take you down to the mud wallow.

Um, so,
I guess you like mud, huh?

I... I get it.

Uh, maybe
we don't need to talk.

Oh. Uh... Um...

He might be attacking.

Can Bob outrun a tortoise?

Not in those shoes.

Oh. [grunts]
And I fell in the mud.

Wait, what's happening?

Do... do you like me?

- Well, look at that.
- Turtle never done that.

No, he has not.

An animal likes me.

- Should I be jealous of that thing?
- Ulysses has chosen!

- The winner is Bob!
- Oh.

- Yay!
- All right.

- He chose poorly.
- We're getting a brother.

This tortoise queen
is gonna saddle up!

Thanks for coming.

- Sorry you were all unworthy.
- Ugh,

I guess I'll find something else
to put in my scrotum.

You could have been
the next Free Willy.

And sure, you could argue
if Willy was ever free.

But you know what?
He was rich. That's a rich whale.

I'm just gonna go to my tree house
and research tortoise poison.

I mean, take a nap.

Calvin,
why don't you come down and bag a rhino?

It's easy.
I've got one with arthritis.

You could bag me, too.

[whispering]
I've also got arthritis.

You make it sound
very tempting.

Aw, Bobby,
you're a turtle whisperer.

I know. The tortoise met three presidents,
and it chose me, Lin.

So how long before we tell Dad
that we put dandelion leaves

in his pocket
before his tortoise date?

I mean, soon, right?

But also maybe never.

Look at him. He's glowing.

[Gene] What's that weird
expression on Dad's face?

I've never seen it before.

- I think it's pride?
- Oh.

It is time for turtle
to take nap.

Too much stimulation.
Except from boring snack ball.

Eh, I think he's gonna warm up
to the snack ball.

I know what my boy likes.

Maybe he takes his nap later.

We're sort of doing this
right now.

- Mmm, mmm. [grunts]
- Ow!

Who peed
on her Swedish meatball?

Oh, uh,
she's been weird all day.

Bob, there are
some legal documents to sign.

But the notary texted
that he's running late.

Note to notary.
Get a watch.

Might as well
tell you now, Bob.

I wanted you all along.

You did?
Why didn't you just ask me?

Because
you would have said no.

That's why I filled out
the contest with awful candidates.

So, your dopey
family burger man decency

would kick in
and you'd step up.

It was the simplest way, really.

- This was the simplest way?
- Yep.

Take Ulysses into the solarium
for the signing session, would you?

I'm gonna go change into
my notarizing gloves. They're thumbless.

Dad, hoist me up.

The tortoise queen
wants to take her steed for a spin.

He's not ours yet, Louise.

Also, I don't think
you're supposed to sit on them.

You shouldn't sit on 'em.

Notary's here.
Things are about to get inky.

- Christopher!
- Hey, Christopher.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Wait, you know each other?
Poor people need things notarized?

No, he just dates
our babysitter.

Christopher,
you naughty notary.

I'm sorry I'm late. I just finished
refinancing on a houseboat.

Pens were rolling everywhere.

Where's Inga?
We need Ulysses' signature,

and she's good at getting him
to lift his foot.

She has to be
to floss his toes.

Uh, maybe I can help
since he trusts me so much.

Uh-uh. Slow your roll, Bob.

Inga! [whistles]

Uh, she's probably sulking
in her room.

- Why would she be sulking?
- We just had a fight.

She said she changed her mind

and she did want to be
Ulysses' guardian after all.

What? I hope you said no

'cause I won fair and square.

Um, sure you did.

She also told me
that the contest

was a dumb way to decide,
which was very hurtful.

No, no, it was scientific.

She told me she decided
that Ulysses was important to her.

Oh, boy. Uh, Dad...

But I think
she's after the stipend.

I think she's a shell digger.

- Dad...
- A shell digger.

- Dad, look in your pocket.
- Huh? Why?

- What are these?
- Dandelion leaves.

- Oh.
- That's why Ulysses came to you.

Like how he put Skittles
in your pocket to get Gene to like you.

- Mmm-hmm.
- [chuckles]

I don't think that was it.

Ulysses...

Ulysses, come here.

Come to me.
[breathing heavily]

Ulysses, please come to me
right now.

- Oh, Bob.
- Ulysses.

- Uh, Bob.
- I'm calling your name.

- Now you're just begging.
- Wait, Lin. Ulysses.

- It's getting sad.
- He's thinking about it.

- Oh, he's pooping.
- A really special one, though.

Show off.

- Inga.
- Oh, she's not here.

- Good eye, Mom.
- There's a note.

"I fly to Sweden tonight.

Is lingonberry season.

They always need pickers.

And stompers
if you've got feet for it.

Hurts too much
to stay knowing mustache man

will one day
take turtle away from me."

It doesn't make sense.
I thought Inga hated the tortoise.

- [gasps] She did a Clueless.
- A what?

Like how Alicia Silverstone
didn't like Paul Rudd

till he was about to be
with someone else,

and then she knew
she was in love with her step brother.

Seriously?
That was in Clueless?

God bless the '90s.

"Please give turtle my ottoman,
so he can keep make sex with it."

Aw. "Also, Mr. Calvin, I mix up
your special sleepy-time cocktail.

Is in fridge.
And your wakey-time powder is in pantry.

- In box marked cocaine."
- Oh, good!

Ulysses belongs with Inga.
She deserves him.

- Yeah.
- This is all my fault.

Well, it's mostly your fault,
kids. And Mr. Fischoeder,

your fault for doing all of this.
And... not my fault at all?

You got very into it
very quickly.

You said you were
getting a tortoise tattoo.

Yeah, I did say that.

So Inga's leaving.

- I know what I have to do.
- [Bob] Good.

- Hire another Inga.
- Wait, what? No!

Yes. There's a service. See?

Done. One's on their way.

No, Mr. Fischoeder.
Cancel the new Inga.

You have to go to the airport to stop
original Inga from getting on the plane.

Oh, fine, but I'm only bringing her back
to do a final poop sweep.

Inga, bring the car around
right now...

Oh! Right.
Hmm, how do I get my car?

[sighs] Do you have the keys?
Keys. Say more.

- Car keys.
- Uh--

The keys to your--
Forget it. We'll take mine.

- Fine.
- And I'll wait here on this comfy ottoman.

Gene, don't sit on that!

- Come on. We gotta move.
- Oh, dear.

[stuttering] Was this car
in a war that we lost?

I know, it's not very nice.
[sighs]

Hopefully, we're not too late. I mean,
how are we ever gonna find her and--

- Oh, there she is.
- Ugh,

we could have walked here.
I got in this horrible car for nothing.

Huh, It doesn't look like
there are enough chairs,

so, I guess one of us
should sit on the tortoise. I'll do it.

Keep off him, Louise.
It's his birthday.

Ooh, better idea.

Tortoise queen chariot!

I guess that's okay.

Whoa-ho-ho! We're on the go!

Guys, better move
if you don't want to be trampled.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Phew.

My lance!

Ulysses, take me
to something lanceable.

Come on, kids.

We better make sure
she doesn't go into traffic.

- The slow lane.
- [Louise] Hey!

I'll stay here
and keep the ink pad moist.

Sorry,
I have to bill another hour.

It's nine dollars.

Inga, you're still here.

I wait for ride-share
to airport. App keeps saying two minutes.

Um, Mr. Fischoeder,
do you have something to say to Inga?

Yes. Inga.
Where are the car keys?

What? No.
Inga, Ulysses didn't pick me.

My kids cheated.
He should be with you.

So Bob is bad. Bad Bob.
No hard feelings except against Bob.

- Mmm-mmm.
- And Inga,

I'll generously
let you un-quit and come back.

- No! Still quit!
- Are you Inga?

Uh, hold on.
She needs a minute.

Okay, but the app
only lets me wait three minutes

and then it vibrates
and stuff.

Here, every day
is like "Is turtle okay?

Does poop look nice?"

In Sweden, no worries.
Stomp lingonberries,

drink a lingonberry wine,

sleep in lingonberry wagon.

Inga, we know
you care about Ulysses.

You asked to keep him.

[stutters] You Clueless-ed?

Do you mean when Alicia Silverstone
discovers she love Paul Rudd?

- Yes, exactly.
- Me wanting turtle was a mistake.

I see now, is too much.

I go Sweden.
Live lingonberry life.

Inga, you can pretend
you don't care,

that you have this thick shell
if you will.

- Oh, really, Bob? Her shell?
- Shush.

Inga, you do care.

[Linda] Hey, you found Inga!

- All hail the tortoise queen!
- Is he coming to me?

Oh, my God, he's coming to me.

And... never mind.

I put bag in trunk.

Uh, let me help you with that.
Oh, you got it? Oh, okay.

Go ahead, Inga, leave.
For your so called "Sweden".

I'll be fine. So will Felix.

- No!
- You won't be fine, Mr. Fischoeder.

You're too proud to admit it,
but you need Inga.

And, Inga, I think
you need the tortoise,

and the tortoise
needs the ottoman?

- The math is weird.
- But beautiful.

So, Inga,
what do you say, hon?

- Oh, she's getting in the car.
- Inga, wait.

Bob's right. Please stay.

You're the only one
who can put Felix to bed.

And I want you to stay.

And I hid your passport.

- Okay, I stay.
- [all cheer]

Oh, you got that? Okay, good.

Oh, thank God.

I'm gonna go
to the airport anyway. What the hell.

- Money raise.
- Fine. Money raise.

- Second ottoman.
- Second ottoman.

- Wakey-time powder for Inga?
- Wakey-time powder

- for everyone!
- [kids cheer]

- No, no.
- No!

[Christopher] I hereby pronounce
this document notarized.

You may clean
your thumb and foot.

Oh, I'm so happy for them.

It is really beautiful.

[sighs] So we're out
one tortoise.

Tell me more
about that panther.

Total cuddle muffin
when tranquilized.

Um, pass.

[Mr. Fischoeder]
There's also a chimp in a fedora

- around here someplace.
- [Gene] Go on.

♪ She's the turtle queen ♪

♪ Chariot pulled
by her turtle steed ♪

♪ Not in a hurry,
got no need for speed ♪

♪ They wait for you
when you're the turtle queen ♪

♪ Bow down ♪

♪ Look who is passing by ♪

♪ Bow down ♪

♪ Likes to take her time ♪

♪ Bow down ♪

♪ If it takes you a while
to bow down ♪

♪ You can take your time ♪

♪ She's the turtle queen ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪