All language subtitles for Zarna.Garg.Practical.People.Win..2025.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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[Shalabh Garg]
Ladies and gentlemen...

it's time for the woman of the hour...

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

your headliner...

and my wife...

Zarna Garg.

[♪ "Where's the Party Tonight"
by Shaan & others playing]

[cheering and applause]

♪ Do you feel alright? ♪

♪ Wanna naach all night? ♪

♪

[♪ song fades out]

Namaste, San Francisco!

[cheering and applause]

Namaste, so excited to be here.

You know, the reason
I'm up here performing tonight

and not sitting in the audience with you

is because I'm the world's
only Indian who failed math.

[laughter]

I also didn't know how to build anything.

Engineering schools
paid me to stay away.

[laughter]

And last year,
my family's motel went bankrupt.

[laughter]

I know, rest in peace, Red Roof Inn.

[laughter]

But my Instagram account is killing!

- [cheering and applause]
- [Zarna laughing]

You know, I started doing
standup comedy to make money,

and somebody said,
"Why would you do that?

There's no money in comedy."

And I realized there's no money
in the way Americans do standup comedy.

[soft laughter]

Because they treat it like an art.

[laughter]

See, I put my practical Indian brain on

and set it up like a business
from the get-go.

[laughter]

You wanna laugh,
I wanna trash my mother-in-law.

[laughter and applause]

- See, already in business.
- [laughter]

And I've lived in America
for so many years.

I love living here, but everything
is complicated in this country.

My 11-year-old son
came home from school and said,

"Mom, my school has asked me
to declare my pronouns.

What should I say?"

I said, "You tell them you are Indian.
Your pronoun is doctor."

[laughter and applause]

Right? Thank you.
Any doctors in the house?

- [scattered cheers]
- Woo!

Wow, so many.
Right here, doctor?

- Why, why are you volunteering him?
- [laughter]

You, you don't want to acknowledge
that you're a doc--

What are you, a PhD or something?

[laughter and applause]

- Sometimes that happens.
- [laughter]

Are you a doctor?
What kind of doctor?

- Uh, infectious diseases.
- Infectious diseases, yeah!

Coming in strong,
like this is an Indian room.

You know we don't start with
no family medicine in here.

[laughter and applause]

Doctor?
What kinda doctor?

[audience member replies indistinctly]

Cardiology.
Yeah, good job, good job, yeah.

[laughter]

I, I should be happy.
I mean, he's a cardiology fellow.

But, like, why is he out
on a Wednesday night?

- [laughter]
- You know what I mean?

Like, I'm not-- I don't wanna--
If I'm having, like, a heart situation,

like, my doctor cannot be out having fun!

Whatever you do,
you better not be smiling right now.

You know what I mean?

In your head, be thinking
about the MCAT questions.

Think about all the fellowships
you're gonna apply to.

Don't just stop with cardiology.

There's heart transplant,
there's a lot more.

[soft laughter]

See? Smiling.
Stop that.

[laughter]

Right? No one wants to go
to a happy cardiologist.

[soft laughter]

Now, I've lived in America so many years,
and I'm still fully Indian, right?

Like, I look Indian,
I wear Indian clothes,

I have an Indian accent.

I mean, I don't see the point
in dropping the accent now.

[laughter]

I mean, why would I not play
the diversity card?

[laughter]

I mean, how do you think
I get booked here?

[laughter]

But there is one place
where diversity doesn't work for me.

It's in my own home.

My kids, I hate to say this,
they're a little racist.

[laughter]

- They think I'm tech support.
- [laughter]

All day long with the questions,

"How does this work?
Where do I charge this?

How do I plug this in?"

I'm like, "First of all,
your call is very important to us.

[laughter and applause]

It will be answered in the order
in which it was received."

[laughter]

So, here's the thing,
I'm an immigrant,

but I don't like other immigrants.

[laughter]

No, it's like that for all of us.
This is, this is not a new sentiment.

Back in the day,
the Irish didn't like the Italians,

and the Italians didn't like
the Puerto Ricans,

and the Puerto Ricans
really didn't like the Dominicans.

But then, the Dominicans
could play baseball, so they were fine.

[laughter]

And now, the Indians and the Chinese,
we can't stand each other.

Because somebody decided
we all have to check the Asian box...

- [soft laughter]
- ...for college applications.

So, all our kids fighting
for the same 15 spots at Princeton.

And meanwhile, those poor Singaporeans,
Filipinos, Japanese,

they're like, "What did we do
to get stuck in this?"

[laughter]

And be honest, like, when you see me,
do you even think Asian?

Do you think, "I bet she knows
where the best dim sum is?"

[laughter]

No, you see me and you think,
"I bet her uncle owns a Dunkin' Donuts."

[laughter and applause]

And he does!
[laughing]

Two of them!

[laughter]

But I am a super proud Indian woman.

I walk around America wearing a bindi,

so people have a lot of questions
about what is it?

"What is a bindi?
Why do you wear it?

Is it a jewel?
Is it painted on?"

It's nothing, it's a sticker.

It's the same sticker Macy's uses
to mark down their clothes.

[laughter]

Sometimes I go to Macy's

and I see something that I like
that's not on sale.

[laughter and applause]

You know I'm doing it.
[laughing]

And people also always want to know

if you have to be married
to wear the bindi.

This is a question that
comes up a lot in America.

Do you have to be married
to wear the bindi?

And, no, you don't.
Any woman anywhere can wear the bindi.

Married women do tend to wear it more.

Even I started wearing mine
after I got married

because I needed the world
to know that now I'm a bargain.

[laughter]

Because we all know a car
loses 50% of its value

the minute it's driven off the lot.

And I know some of you
are feeling bad for me.

You're like,
"Aw, she's calling herself a used car."

Don't worry about me.
I know my worth, I'm a Tesla.

[laughter]

We don't have a sign or a symbol
of marriage in our culture as such.

We don't do engagement rings,
we don't do wedding rings.

That's not a thing in the Indian culture.
We don't even do wedding cakes.

Uh, but, I mean, no--
Oh, somebody is like, "Aw."

- [laughter]
- No, no, it's okay.

If you're invited
to an Indian wedding, please go.

There's a lot of dessert.
We are world champions in diabetes.

[laughter]

But we don't do cakes,
because if we were to do a cake,

what would we put on top of it?

What do you put on top of a cake,
a wedding cake here?

What do you put on top of it?
A bride and groom, right?

What would the Indians put,
two sets of parents shaking hands?

[laughter]

It would be like, "Singh family,
come on up, Singh family.

"15 people, get on the cake.

"Shah family, you also
get on the cake, all of you.

"Jump right on.

"Where is the bride?
She fell down.

[laughter]

Which one is the groom?
They all look alike."

[laughter]

There would so many people
on top of an Indian wedding cake,

it would become a pancake.

[laughter]

The closest thing we have
to a symbol of marriage in our culture

is actually a necklace.

It's a necklace that we get
at the end of the wedding ceremony.

It's called a mangalsutra,

and I'm wearing mine
to show you guys.

This is a mangalsutra.
It's pretty, right?

From a distance, it might look
like a rapper's medallion.

[laughter]

You might look at it and think,
"Is she Z Diddy?"

[laughter]

"Or maybe she's Kanye East."

[laughter]

Or maybe there was a sixth
Spice Girl, Turmeric.

[laughter]

But this necklace
is none of those things.

This necklace is $14.99 on Amazon.

[laughter]

And like all things Indian,
it is very practical.

See, Indian people,
we like practical things.

We like things
that have multiple functions.

No, we like practical things,

so this necklace, that way,
does a lot of heavy lifting.

What's a ring gonna do?
It sits there and does nothing all day.

This necklace, black and gold,
kind of goes with everything, right?

Then, little black beads
around the neckline, very slimming.

[laughter]

And you get the necklace
the day you get married.

In a few months, few years,
you realize one day

what your life has become,
and you need to hang yourself.

[laughter and applause]

See how it does everything for you?

[laughter]

And I love that you guys
laughed at that joke

because that is
my mother-in-law's favorite joke.

[laughter]

My mother-in-law lives in India,

but comes to America
for three months at a time.

- [soft laughter]
- Right?

It's like she has her own season.
"Winter is coming."

[laughter]

And the mother-in-law relationship
in our culture

is very, is very interesting.

Here in America,
when people get engaged or married,

they exchange the rings
between the two people, right?

We're making the commitment.

Not so about this necklace.

This necklace, even though
it's a symbol of marriage,

is usually a gift from the mother-in-law
to the daughter-in-law.

So, you can imagine
how much love goes into it.

[laughter]

And one time, my friend,
Seema, was getting married,

and she got a beautiful
mangalsutra with diamonds,

and even a ruby.
Right?

And we were all so jealous.

And then, we found out
that the day after the wedding,

the mother-in-law took it back.

- [laughter]
- She said, "Are you crazy?

This necklace wasn't for you,
it was just for the photos."

So, I said,
"Seema, good thing I wasn't there.

"Otherwise, I would've asked her,

'Do I keep the husband,
or is he also just for the photos?'"

[laughter and applause]

'Cause mother-in-laws
are like that, right?

And my mother-in-law lives in India,
so people here often think,

how involved can she be in my life?

[laughter]

Very.
I'll give you an example.

We had a day of fasting
in our culture a few weeks ago

called Karva Chauth.

Now, on this day, Hindu wives fast

so their husbands can live a longer life.

[laughter]

Now, first of all, if I'm fasting,
everybody's life is in danger.

[laughter]

But Karva Chauth was coming up,
so my mother-in-law called me from India.

And now, you have to understand something
about my mother-in-law.

I've been married to her son,
my husband, for 25 years.

She hasn't fully made her peace
with the idea...

- [laughter]
- ...that we are family.

So, every time she talks to me,

she opens the conversation
with the words, "Hi-hi."

[laughter]

Now, "hi-hi" is an Indian expression
of extreme despair.

[laughter]

Like, "Oh, my God."

Or you know how the Jewish culture,
they say, "Oy vey,"

or in the Muslim community, "Yallah,"

or as my Black friends
like to say, "Damn!"

[laughter]

So, anyway, Karva Chauth
was coming up,

and my mother-in-law called me from India
and she goes, "Hi-hi.

I hope you're fasting for my son."

I said, "Intermittent fasting."

[laughter and applause]

[cheering and applause]

The thing is that I've been trying
to have an honest and open relationship

with her forever, since day one.

We-- You know, we encourage
each other to tell the truth

so that, you know, we can al-always have,
like, a happy relationship.

And back in the day,
when my daughter was born,

she came over to help
when she was a newborn baby.

Now, whether she helped or not...

[laughter]

...we will not get into that.

But she was here
when my daughter was a newborn.

And while she was here,
she saw my husband

change her diaper many times.

See, you heard that?
"Ooh."

[laughter]

So, she took me aside
and she said, "Hi-hi.

[laughter]

As long as I'm alive,
can you please not make him do this?"

So, I told her, I said, "Listen,
I understand if you have to go."

[laughter and applause]

And I make mother-in-law jokes,
so people always want to know

what she thinks of my comedy career.

And the truth is--
You wanna know?

Yeah, you're curious.
See, everybody's curious about this.

Okay, I'll tell you the truth.

The truth is that when I first started,
I didn't tell her I was doing this.

I wasn't sure how she was gonna take it.

But her bitchy friends...

[laughter]

...follow me on social media,
and run and go report me to her.

So, she called me from India
and she goes, "Hi-hi.

[laughter]

Is it true you make jokes about me?"

I said, "Kind of,"
and I just disregarded it.

Then she goes,
"You make money doing this?"

- [laughter]
- I said, "Sort of."

Pssh, pushed it aside.

And then, she got really quiet,
so I got nervous.

I said, "Are you upset with me?
Do you want me to stop?"

And she goes, "If it makes money,
you tell people

that your father-in-law
likes to do it doggy style."

[laughter]

You guys laugh,
I haven't looked him in the eye!

[laughter]

And, apparently, neither has she!

[laughter and applause]

And people also always wanna know

what my husband thinks
of my comedy career.

His own friends tease him,
they're like, "How can you let your wife

talk about your mother in this way?"

And he tells them, he's like, "Every woman
talks about her mother-in-law this way.

Mine just figured out
how to get paid for it."

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

But my husband and I,
we're really good.

We've been married 25 years,
we're so happily married.

Never said a word to each other.

[laughter]

The big secret to our happy marriage

is we don't communicate.

[laughter]

In case of emergency, hand signals.

- [laughter]
- You know.

[laughter and applause]

That's it,
we don't need any more than that.

And we're a very classic
immigrant couple.

We've never said "I love you"
to each other.

It's not something we do, right?
You kn-- Right?

Indian couples,
it's not like a everyday thing.

We don't say, "I love you."
Any couples here?

You guys look young, you probably
still say "I love you" to each other.

Oh, oh, yeah, he's like,
"Yes, yes, we're very American."

[soft laughter]

Okay, any--
Where's the other Indian couple?

Fifteen, 16 years, you said?

Fifteen?
You say "I love you" to each other?

- [audience member] I love you.
- You just said it now? You-- Wait, what?

Are you just kind of breaking it to her?

[laughter]

That felt like-- Did you--

He's like, "Let me just say it
right now, let me just..."

[laughter]

As it is, the immigrants are very
stressed out in America right now.

We're all trying to be good Americans,
we're like, "Because we're in America,

'I love you' every time
to everybody at all times!"

[laughter and applause]

This is what this latest election
has done to us.

We are under a lot of pressure
to say "I love you" now

because it's American to do that.

But now, because we live in America,

we're under a lot of pressure
to say it, all the time.

Like, "Uber driver, I love you."

[laughter]

Walgreen guy gave you a bag,
"I really love you."

[laughter]

[laughing]
Like...

But just because we don't say
"I love you"

doesn't mean there's not
a lot of love there.

There's a lot of love there.

Even in my case,
I don't say, "I love you,"

but I show my husband my love.

I check all his emails for him.

[laughter]

And because I know
I'm not the only snoopy type

in this audience right now,

I'm gonna give you guys
a pro-grade tip.

Nothing naughty happens
over email anymore.

[laughter]

It has all moved to LinkedIn DMs.

[audience groaning]

How do I know this?
I know this because, one time,

my husband fell asleep
with his laptop open.

Now look, if the laptop
is already open,

it's not my fault if I see something.

- [laughter]
- Right?

I was just cleaning it,
making it nice for him.

[laughter]

And his LinkedIn DMs popped up,

and there was a message
from his work friend, Angelie.

She's like, "Hey, Shalabh,
congrats on the new promotion.

We should catch up."

[laughter]

I said, you know what,
let me take care of this for him.

- [laughter]
- And I just wrote her back.

I said, "No need to catch up, he's dead."

[laughter]

Angelie.

My husband and I, we are so good,

we decided to make a life
in New York City

- because we hate money.
- [soft laughter]

And, surely, you guys in San Francisco
understand that, right?

That was the saddest.
Like, did you hear?

Like, the whole room
went like, "Yes."

I see a lot of glasses of water
on the t-- I know.

- I understand.
- [laughter]

It's not looking good.
I said-- Even the cardiologist.

- Oh, poor thing.
- [laughter]

What to do now?
You know what to do.

And have you noticed something?

Let me, let me tell you something
I've observed recently

about people back home in India.

How many immigrants in this room?

- Any immigrants?
- [scattered cheers]

So many immigrants, right?
And you-- wherever country you are from,

I've noticed a trend back home.

Maybe it's true in whatever country
you guys are from.

The Indians back home in India
are very rich now.

Have you noticed that?

- How did this happen?
- [laughter]

That was not the deal.

[laughter]

The deal was that we leave India,
we come here,

and we make money,
and they stay in India,

they have the family,
they have the culture,

- and they stay poor!
- [laughter]

And now, they're very, very rich.

And, of course, somehow,
this is my husband's fault,

so I was yelling at him one day.
I'm like, "What did we do?

"Why did we come to America?
What do we have here?

What do we have?"

And he said to me, he goes,
"What are you going on about?

- You have me."
- [laughter]

I was like, "Oh, God,
it's worse than I thought!"

[laughter]

But people in India
have crazy money.

Like, my friend just bought a yacht.

She lives in India.

My friend, Nandini,
bought a yacht.

She lives in Delhi.

[laughter and applause]

Explain to me why Nandini
in Delhi needs a yacht.

Delhi is landlocked.

What is she gonna do next,
buy an ocean?

And if she gets an ocean,
I want Australia.

[laughter]

You are having so much fun
with this joke, sir.

You're, you're-- Are-- You live here?
You live in America?

- Yeah, are you an immigrant?
- [audience member] Very so.

"Very so," wow.
Oh, "very so," let's find out.

[laughter]

No, no, it's okay.
Where are you from?

- Goa.
- From Goa.

And what do you do here?

[speaking indistinctly]

You work in a ho...

He works in a hospital.
Okay, are you a doctor?

- [laughter]
- Are you PhD?

- Yes.
- You're a PhD?

Oh, that's why he's like, "No, no, no,
I can't talk about what I do."

- [laughter]
- "No, no, no."

Oh, I see, I see.
Okay, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to troll you at all.

Yeah, 'cause we all know that PhD,

that was a wrong road you went down.

[laughter]

This is why-- Like, that--
Did you see?

He did not say,
"I'm a doctor."

Not in this room, not--

If this was a white people room,
no problem.

He would've been like,
"I'm a doctor, damnit!"

- Not in a brown people room.
- [laughter]

Hey, if he would've said
he's a doctor here,

these two would've sprung up
right now.

[laughter]

This guy never lifted a finger on anybody,

but he would've been like,
"I'ma just show you right now!"

[laughter]

What is your PhD in?
Is it at least some kind of STEM?

Or you did PhD in English?

[laughter and applause]

[Zarna laughing]

This has been a hard one
to wrap my head around, honestly.

And then, as if it wasn't bad enough
that we live in New York City,

we had three kids.

Why did we decide
to have three kids?

Why, what possessed us?
You know what I mean?

Two made sense.

Two made sense
because my oldest was a girl.

- I had to fix that.
- [laughter]

No, she's fine!
She has a therapist.

[laughter]

That's right, I pay $350 an hour

for the two of them
to talk shit about me.

[laughter]

But after my girl,
I have two boys.

- Woo-hoo!
- [scattered cheers]

And my oldest is my daughter.
She's, she's such a good kid.

She's a student at Stanford University.

[scattered cheers]

Thank you.
See, I know what I'm doing.

And she worked really hard
to get into Stanford.

Honestly, she, she had it all.

She had the GPA,
she was captain of her sports team.

She was class president,
she had the SAT scores.

Of course, she had
the SAT scores, right?

Right?
You're nodding.

Yeah, the minute I said "SAT",
all the Indians sat up.

- [laughter]
- They're like, "That's our Super Bowl.

Let's go, let's do one right now.
Pull it out."

[laughter]

But my daughter, really,
she, she had it all.

She even rescued a puppy
from a burning building.

[audience]
Aww.

I put the puppy in there.

[laughter]

But no one needs to know that story.

My daughter, she's also found
a cure for leukemia,

but we're holding that one
for grad school.

[laughter]

Because you can't just pile on
all the stories in one application.

And my daughter is a good kid.
She's at Stanford.

I should be so proud of her,
but I'm not, I'll tell you why.

Because she's the classic older child
of an immigrant family.

She is a dramatic,
overthinking mess.

Everything in her life
is a catastrophe.

Everything upsets her, you know?
You're, you're nodding, sir.

- You have a daughter like that?
- [laughter]

Right?
I have all the parents in the room,

they're like, "Yes, we have one of these."

See, everybody either
has one of these kids,

is one of that kid,
or knows one of those kids.

[laughter]

So, I'll give you an example.

She was taking a computer class
in college,

and the computer teacher
told the whole class,

"Some of you will find
this class challenging."

But what she heard is,
"I'm a loser...

I'm never going to pass,
I'm never going to graduate."

And some version of this
goes on in her life every day.

And every day,
I have to talk her off the ledge

and remind her that
she's going to be fine,

she's going to graduate.

And if nothing works out for her,
we will send her

to medical school in Barbados.

[laughter and applause]

I mean, we won't tell our friends.

[laughter]

But forget about my daughter.

Let me tell you
about my 17-year-old son.

So handsome.
I show you photo afterwards of him.

[laughter]

So handsome, my 17-year-old boy,
such a good boy.

But his biggest problem
is that he knows he's handsome.

Do you know the type when somebody
is very aware of their own good looks?

So, my husband
was yelling at him one day

like every normal Indian father does.

He's like, "You're not
advanced enough in calculus!

Why are you wasting time
with the drama club?"

And my son looked at his dad
and said, "Dad,

life works out differently
for attractive people."

[audience groaning and laughing]

And I know I should get mad at him,
but he's so handsome.

[laughter]

But I am learning so much
about having kids

and life in America.

See, the thing is,
when you're an immigrant,

until you have kids, you're like basically
on an extended study abroad.

You have your backpack,
you go where you wanna go,

do what you wanna do,
it doesn't really matter.

The minute you have kids,
you get pregnant, it gets real

'cause now you're,
like, building this life,

and the differences
start showing up immediately.

You get pregnant in India,
it's a celebration.

There might be a party.
There's so much joy

associated with the news
of the pregnancy.

You get pregnant in America,
you get a book.

[laughter]

What to Expect When You're Expecting.

[laughter and applause]

Millions of babies
born in India every year,

nobody ever read a book.

[laughter]

If the Indians were writing that book,
the whole book would be one line.

What to expect when you're expecting?
Expect a baby.

[laughter and applause]

But you can trust the Americans

to take the most basic
human experience

and turn it
into a multimillion-dollar franchise.

And it doesn't just stop there.

As soon as the baby is born,

that baby, here in America,
is measured for height,

for weight, for head circumference.

That baby is assigned percentiles.

They rank the babies in America.

[laughter]

Now, you cannot use words
like "percentiles" and "ranks"

with Indians without triggering them.

[laughter]

And our puny little kids

never hit the high height
and weight percentiles.

[cheering and applause]

Because they're being compared
to American kids

and America has Shaquille O'Neal.

[laughter]

Our kids, descendants of Gandhi.

[laughter]

Have you seen Gandhi?

Gandhi was 90 pounds,

and 12 of those pounds
was in that diaper thing he was wearing.

[laughter and applause]

And as if that's not bad enough,

the minute the kid is a little bit older,
that kid is on a schedule.

The baby has a schedule.

There are milestones
this baby must meet.

Six months, sit up,
12 months, walk, 18 months, talk.

Now, my son, the handsome one...

[laughter]

...was almost two years old,
not saying a word.

So, I was very panicked,
because according to the book,

he should have a lot of words.

I went rushing to the pediatrician.

I said, "I don't understand
what-what's happening.

He looks perfectly fine,
but he's not saying a word."

And she said,
"Yes, we do like to see words."

[laughter]

Now, I'm freaking out
because if other kids are saying words,

mine should be playing the violin.

[laughter]

But she calmed me down and she said,

"Look, Mrs. Garg,
why don't you take a beat?

"Go home and talk to your kid,

"and intentionally engage him
for a few weeks

and try to get him to talk to you."

The kid is two.

What am I saying to him?

Do I ask him, "Do you think
this hungry caterpillar

has an eating disorder?"

[laughter]

What conversation am I having
with a two-year-old?

So, I said, you know what,
I'm gonna call a doctor in India

and find out what a doctor back home
would say in this circumstance.

So, I called my friend's pediatrician
back home.

I explained the whole situation to him.

I said, "Look, I don't understand
what's happening.

"He's perfectly fine,
he's so good-looking...

[laughter]

...but just not saying a word."

And the doctor heard me out,
and he said,

"Mrs. Garg, have you considered,
maybe he has nothing to say?"

[laughter and applause]

Silence is the one thing
we do not consider in America.

[laughter]

But speaking of babies,
let me tell you another one story

about my friend, Seema.

Remember Seema
with the fancy mangalsutra?

Now, she's going to have a baby, okay?

And we were all going
to go for a baby shower.

We were very excited, we knew
it was going to be a boy, so woo!

[laughter]

And at her baby shower,

she had a lot of American friends
from work.

So, one of her friends, Becky,
asked Seema,

she said, "Seema, now that
you know you're having a boy,

will you be circumcising him?"

And she said, "Actually, we are Hindu,
we don't do that."

So, she said, "If you don't do that,
no white girl will ever sleep with him."

So, Seema said, "Exactly."

[laughter and applause]

But I told Seema, I said,
"Listen, Seema, don't jump the gun.

"If a white girl neurosurgeon shows up,

we snip him ourselves."

[laughter]

Let us not make a big deal out of this.

But speaking of babies,
I have a third kid.

- I forget about him [laughs] sometimes.
- [laughter]

My third kid is also a very academic,
neurotic type.

And, you know, we live in Manhattan
on the Upper East Side,

not the worst place on Earth to live.

This kid acts like he's growing up
in the slums of Calcutta...

and education is his only way out.

[laughter]

I have to tell him, "Calm down, Dube.
We have three bathrooms."

[laughter]

And I do this for a living.

I don't get home 'til very late,
12:00, 1:00 in the morning.

And, you know, I get home,
and he's doing homework every night.

So, one time, I got upset
with his teacher.

I said, "Why are you giving
so much homework to an 11-year-old kid?"

And she said,
"Mrs. Garg, I'm not giving it to him.

He's assigning it to himself."

[laughter]

Now, here's the thing,
when an Indian kid

works hard in America, in school,
everybody assumes it's the mother,

that the mother is being a tiger mom
and pushing the kid along.

It's not me.
Why would I say anything?

My oldest, already at Stanford.

My middle one, so handsome.

[laughter]

This third kid just needs
to become an optometrist!

[laughter and applause]

I told him, I said,
"Listen, when you grow up,

"you go get that job
at the eyeglass store.

"You know that guy who's like,
'This one better, this one better?

"This one better, this one better?'

[laughter]

You go do that,
everybody needs that guy."

[laughter]

But I have two high-strung kids,
my oldest and my youngest.

My middle one, cool as a cucumber.

So, my middle one,
my 17-year-old was playing football

in a park in New York City
with his friends,

and somebody walked up to him
and punched him and broke his nose.

This kid did not say a word,
got on a cross-town bus

to the nearest emergency room,
called his dad and said,

"Dad, can you meet me there?
I need somebody to sign the paperwork."

The doctor who treated him
liked him so much

that he upgraded him
to the George Clooney nose for free.

[laughter]

And I didn't find out any of this
until the end of the day

because I was in Texas
opening for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

[cheering and applause]

Thank you.

But, of course, when I found out,
I was very upset, right?

How are you not gonna be upset
when you hear news like this?

First of all, I was angry.
I was like, why did they go after my son?

Why didn't they go after
the 90th percentile bruisers?

No, no, they went after
my 12th percentile, Gandhi Jr.

[laughter]

And I was reflecting and thinking,

had this happened to my daughter,

no one was going to go anywhere.

Instantly, her friends
would've formed a candlelight vigil.

[laughter]

No one was gonna get on a bus.

We would've had to airlift her
to Mayo Clinic.

[laughter]

A Swiss-trained surgeon
would have to be flown in

and instead of me
doing my job that night,

I would be making calls to Hulu
on how best to document the journey.

[laughter]

But the truth is that I was very upset.
I was riddled with guilt.

I was, like, kicking myself thinking,
why did I take this job?

I should've stayed in New York.
I could've prevented it.

You know, the usual
mom guilt that you feel.

And as I'm tormenting myself,
my phone rings.

It's my mother-in-law.

[laughter]

Because, of course,
my husband called his mother.

And she gets on the phone
and she goes, "Hi-hi.

[laughter]

Why do you force the boy
to play football?"

Look at me.

Just look at me.

Do you think this situation
ever called her son and said,

"You know what, son?
Today, skip chess and go play football"?

[laughter]

I said, "Newsflash, your son
signed the permission slip."

And my mother-in-law says,
"Oh, my God,

in that house,
my son has to do everything."

[laughter and applause]

But why was my son playing football?

Why does my all-Indian kid
want to do all these American things?

Fifteen years ago,
Indian kids in America

knew their place in the world.

They grew up, medical school,
computer school, engineering school.

If they didn't know anything,
they went to law school.

[laughter]

Why are you all pointing at her?
Lawyer?

Still better than PhD.

[laughter and applause]

No, it, it used to be clear.

Why does my son wanna play football
and do all these things?

You know why?
Because here in America,

that's what they, they learn.

Like, now, all these
old rules are gone

because Hollywood
has found our kids.

They're like, "You be an actor,
you be a singer, you be a writer."

And because we all supposed
to be modern parents,

we just stand there and we're like...
[chuckling]

[laughter]

Like, my friend's, uh, son
got a part in a movie,

and he called me, he goes,
"Auntie, I got a part in a movie."

I said, "What part did you get, Sanjay?"

He goes, "I'm a hitman."

[laughter]

An Indian hitman named Sanjay?

Who has ever heard of such a thing?

Indian guys are 5'4", 5'5".

How is he gonna pick up
the guy he just killed?

[laughter]

And why would anybody
ever hire an Indian hitman

when you can hire an Indian
to disable this guy's Gmail?

[laughter and scattered applause]

My guy can make it so this guy's
food delivery will never show up.

[laughter]

My guy can make it so his salary
never hits his direct deposit.

- [laughter]
- By the time my guy's done with him,

he's gonna wanna kill himself.

[laughter and applause]

But you cannot say that in America
because if you say that,

you're not modern-minded parents.

And now, let me tell you another
one story about my friend, Seema.

- [laughter]
- You remember Seema, right?

Now, Seema has a grown son

and she called me,
and she's crying on the phone, weeping.

She's like, "Zarna, the worst thing
has happened."

I said, "What happened, Seema?"

And she goes,
"Zarna, you're not going to imagine,

"the worst thing has happened.

"My son quit a high-paying job
in Citibank

and became part of a Broadway show."

[gasps]

Even I started crying.

[laughter]

I said, "Hi-hi, Seema!

[laughter]

"Why did your son quit
a high-paying job in Citibank

and become part of a Broadway show?"

She goes, "Zarna, this is so bad,
this is so bad.

It would be better if he was gay."

[laughter]

So, I said,
"Seema, your son is on a stage

"singing and dancing every night.

"You might want to sit down for a minute!

[laughter]

I have some news for you!"

[laughter]

But, of course, he didn't think twice
before quitting this job.

He's gonna do whatever he wants

because he,
like all the kids in this generation,

believe that they can follow their bliss.

They like to say that phrase,
"follow your bliss" is a big one.

And we as parents
have to remind them, "No!

"You will monetize your misery.

- [laughter]
- "Like the rest of us.

[cheering and applause]

"And don't go looking
for your bliss too far

"because I have it right here,
I'm holding it in my hand.

"Imagine a little ball,
I'm gonna place it here gently

and I'm gonna kill it right now!"

[laughter]

Nobody needs their bliss.

Everybody needs a doctor.

[laughter]

And they like coming up
with buzzworthy phrases

to sell their ideology.

Another one they love to say,
"Think outside the box."

- Why?
- [laughter]

Me, personally, I love the box.

[laughter]

The box is how Indian people
went on to become the people

who produce scientists,
entrepreneurs, CEOs.

Do you know how many
Indian CEOs in America right now?

So many CEOs, Indian CEOs, so desirable.
It's the new Labradoodle.

[laughter]

Every company wants one.

[laughter]

The minute the job opens up,
they're like, "Come on out, Anil, Sunil.

[laughter]

"Puja, Anuja, line up.

Line up, we gonna take
one of you guys."

[laughter]

And it's not just companies.
We're running countries.

We almost had an Indian president here.

And, until recently,
the Prime Minister of UK was Indian.

Who saw that coming?

Not Winston Churchill.

[laughter and applause]

I mean, if we would've known
that this is how it's gonna end up,

we would've told Gandhi
to sit down for a minute.

[laughter]

That poor guy spent his whole life
marching, marching, marching, marching.

All day, he was marching and fasting
like an Upper East Side housewife.

[laughter and applause]

We would've told him, "Relax, we're gonna,
you know, have a lassi.

We gonna do this another way."

[laughter]

But it's not anybody's fault.

It's because the kids today
in America are born,

they're raised on these beliefs

that they can be anything
they want to be.

Every children's book
says the same thing.

"If you can dream it,
you will become it.

If you imagine it, you are it."

- What even is it?
- [laughter]

Not a single children's book in America
teaches the kids to shut up and study!

[laughter]

And because nobody wants to do
the hard job of tough parenting,

I am writing the world's first
practical people's guide to parenting.

- [scattered cheers]
- And my book is called,

It's Never Too Late
to Go to Medical School.

[laughter and applause]

You want to hear a little snippet?

Hold on, hold on, handy pocket.

[laughter]

[muttering indistinctly]
You keep it ready now.

[laughter]

Okay, here it goes.

"People tell their kids
they can be policemen, firemen,

"cowboys, or astronauts.

"All dangerous jobs
that don't pay a lot.

[laughter]

"We make our kids study
and focus on the practical.

"Science, technology,
engineering, mathematical.

"Dreams of going to Mars
won't get them a scholarship.

But you know what will?
Designing that rocket ship."

- [laughter]
- [audience members] Ohh!

"In reality,
you can't be anything you want.

"That's just the rules,
but here is the good news.

It's never too late
to go to medical school."

[cheering and applause]

But here's the irony of life.

Life does not give you the curveball
that you're ready for.

I was prepared for this fight.

Like, what are my kids gonna want to be
when they grow up and all that.

Instead, I'm now dealing with the fact

that my daughter is dating a white boy.

- [scattered cheers]
- No!

No!

No, it's okay, it's a phase,
everybody goes through it.

[laughter]

And my daughter's boyfriend,
he is Jewish.

So, good woo about that.
I've been most supportive.

I said, "Listen, you do you,
whatever makes you happy."

Also, because I know
his mother's gonna put an end to it.

[laughter and applause]

So, why am I gonna be the bad guy?

[laughter]

And, you know, if I don't support her,

that's six more sessions
at $350 an hour.

[laughter]

But I did say to her,
I said, "Listen to me,

"it's fine you're dating this boy,
it's totally okay.

But please don't post a photo
with him on the Instagram."

And she goes, "Why not?"

I said, "Because if your Grandma Dadi
sees it, she will drop dead."

Then I thought about it.

[laughter]

I was like, "Okay, post the photo!

You know what, post two or three photos,
why take a chance?"

[laughter]

And my mother-in-law,
she's really a trip.

She lives in the outskirts of Delhi
in a small town.

There are a lot of little towns
outside Delhi,

nothing much happens in those towns.

And I had to visit her because
she was having health issues

and if I didn't go, my sister-in-law
was gonna get all the credit.

So, I had to go, yeah.

And I'm hanging out with her,
watching the local news with her,

and the local news in that region
is always the same.

Some sad girl caught
at the wrong time, wrong place.

That night, I'm waiting for
my friend's car to pick me up for dinner.

And I'm pacing around,
and my mother-in-law says to me, she goes,

"Why are you pacing around so much?
Just take a taxi."

And I said, "I can't take a taxi,
we just saw the news today.

Bad things happened to this sweet girl.
I'm scared to take a taxi."

And she looks at me
and she goes, "Oh, please,

look who thinks she's getting raped?"

[audience gasping, groaning]

Now, I know many of you are shocked,
but let me tell you something.

Political correctness
is not a thing outside this country.

[laughter]

Elderly people, especially,
will say whatever comes to their mind.

My own father, at a beautiful
dinner table few years ago,

looked across the table
at a guest and announced,

"Everybody, don't talk to him,
he only has one testicle."

[laughter]

- For no reason.
- [laughter]

And I grew up hearing shit like this
my whole life, and guess what?

I am still in perfect mental health.

[laughter]

Meanwhile, my kids,
born and raised in America,

walking on a cloud of comfort every day,
they all have anxiety.

The whole generation woke up one day

and decided they all
have anxiety all at once.

[laughter and applause]

See all these traumatized parents
back there?

[laughter]

And my daughter asked me,
she's like, "Mom,

did you not have anxiety
back in your day?"

I said, "No, we had cigarettes."

[laughter]

And, somehow, we've become
part of a sandwich generation

where we have to respect our elders,
honor their wishes,

but you cannot say anything to your kids.

- [scattered cheers]
- Right? 'Cause everything upsets them.

Everything triggers them,
everything is a hill they're gonna die on.

I mean, how many people in here
who are over 40?

[cheering and applause]

Do you ever remember
being this upset about everything?

[laughter]

We didn't have time,
we had to rewind videotapes.

[laughter and applause]

You remember those days when you're like,
"Don't return it before rewinding"?

[Zarna laughing]

But these kids feel free
to tell us anything.

Everything I do in my house is wrong.

Somehow, I'm racist,
I'm sexist, I'm homophobic.

The land is not clean enough,
the air is not green enough.

So many problems, you would think I live
at the Harvard Sociology Department.

[laughter and applause]

And I deal with this all the time.

You know, as a comic
and as a digital creator,

I have my share of haters,
online trolls.

That's totally fine.

But my trolls love my husband
and his mother.

So, if I post a joke
about my mother-in-law,

they all spring to her defense.

So, I had a joke
about my mother-in-law,

and this one guy in India
was rage commenting,

could not stop himself.

He's writing things like,
"You should not make these jokes.

"This is not our culture.

"Good thing you live in America
because if you lived in India,

"I would tie you up
and beat you with a stick.

"And if you were my wife,
I would shove a dick in your mouth,

"and four dicks up your ass,
and a dick in your ear,

and a dick in your eye."

And then I felt pressure
to offer him more locations.

[laughter]

I was like, "Dick in the armpit,
dick behind the knee,

dick between the toe."

[laughter]

And at some point,
my maternal instinct kicked in.

I was like,
"Are you just having a bad day?"

[laughter]

And he goes,
"I got a B in algebra.

[laughter]

My mom's gonna kill me."

I said, "You got a B in algebra?

You're lucky your mom
lets you keep your dick."

[laughter]

And this whole trend
is particularly disturbing for Indians

because Indian people, in general,
are very agreeable people.

We are taught from birth,
from childhood

to say "yes"
to everybody at all times.

Like, we are taught that if somebody
slaps you on one cheek,

you offer them the other, right?

India was colonized for 200 years.

Do you know that, in the end,
the British army did not leave India

because we defeated them in a big war?

No, no, they left because
they got exhausted.

[laughter]

They were like, "This is India,
they have two billion cheeks.

[laughter]

Four billion if you count the butts."

[laughter]

And thank God there was no war
because we are not cut out to fight.

We eat way too many carbs.

[laughter]

When we get really angry,
our big act of rebellion

is declaring a hunger strike.

[laughter]

You know that famous
Indian head bob?

This?
You know what this is?

This is us trying to say "no".

[laughter]

We're just buffering.

[laughter]

I mean, Indians are so agreeable,
we make Canadians look bitchy.

[laughter]

And this works on autopilot
with Indian people.

I'll give you an example.

On my way here today,
this guy bumped into me.

This big guy, he bumped into me,

and then pointed at me
and said, "Stupid dot-head."

And I got startled,
and I just said, "No English."

[laughter]

Because we don't get
worked up about everything.

We find very quick solutions.

We follow something in our culture,
which we call jugaad.

How many people
know the word "jugaad?"

[cheers]

So, jugaad is creative problem-solving.

You solve your problems
with whatever limited resources you have.

In America, it's what you call
jerry-rigging, MacGyvering.

So, we just find solutions
and we keep it going.

And now, let me tell you another story
about my friend, Seema.

[laughter]

So, Seema's husband
came home and said,

"Seema, my mom is getting old,
she needs to move in with us."

So, Seema said,
"Of course, okay, no problem.

She can stay in my room."

So, her husband said, "If she stays
in your room, where will you stay?"

She goes, "I will live in India
with her servants."

[laughter]

That was the last I ever heard of this.

But this was Seema's jugaad.

And we are all learning.

Even I'm trying to up my jugaad game,
I'll be honest with you.

I was flying from New York
to, uh, to San Francisco

to visit my daughter a few months ago,

and I got the worst seat in the airplane,
middle seat in the last row.

- [audience groaning]
- Right?

Long flight, and by the way,

I have every kind of status
you can imagine.

So, I was trying to get upgraded
because I travel for a living.

So, I'm reasoning with the gate agent.

I'm like, "Please, can you
do something to help me out?

I'm preferred Elite, Diamond, Platinum."

I even said I was a veteran.

[laughter]

Because how's he gonna know?

[laughter]

And everybody's a veteran
at something.

[laughter]

And I'm, like, begging
and pleading with him,

and my daughter was on the phone
while I was trying to figure it out,

and she's hearing me beg,
and she's like,

"Mom, stop reasoning with him,
just flirt with him."

I never flirted with anybody in my life.

Even when I got married,
my husband and I,

we got married because I had
two goats, and he needed one.

[laughter]

Still, I said, "Let me try.
You know, what do I have to lose now?"

So, I went to the ladies' room,
I opened my hair,

I put my glasses away,
I put a little lipstick on.

I came back out
to the same gate agent,

and I just said, "You know, it's very hot.

[laughter]

"It's just-- If only there
was a big strong man...

who could help me."

[laughter]

And this guy, the gate agent
leaned into me and he goes,

"I have one seat in first class,
I'm gonna upgrade you.

Don't say a word, go run, and take it."
I ran, I ran so fast.

I took the seat, I took all the drinks.

They're like, "What do you want?"
I said, "Everything.

Champagne, coffee, orange juice,
the whole thing."

It's free, it's free, I know.

'Cause I know the Indians are like,
"How much did that cost?"

- No.
- [laughter]

I just took it all.

And as I was sipping my champagne,
I was thinking to myself,

I was like, "I'll never tell my son this,

but life really does work out differently
for attractive people!"

[laughter and applause]

And I'm trying to learn,
I really am trying to be open-minded.

And I can be a little immigrant-y.

- You may have picked up on it.
- [laughter]

And my kids are very much
born and raised in America.

So, we're constantly butting heads
on how they think and how I think.

And in a spirit of trying
to understand them, I said to them,

"Why don't you pick a TV show
that we can all watch together?"

And they pick The Bachelor.

Do you know this show,
The Bachelor?

If you don't know the show,
let me quickly tell you about the show.

In this show,
there are a lot of beautiful women

wearing very tiny, tiny clothes.

[laughter]

And they're all chasing
after this one man, the Bachelor.

And this guy, he's just a regular guy,
he's not a doctor or anything.

[laughter]

And the whole show,
this guy is making out, having sex,

making out, having sex,
making out, having sex

with each of these different women.

And the-- And because of this show now,

my kids think that
this is what a relationship is.

So, my son says to me, he goes,

"Mom, Dad and you are gonna
get divorced one day."

I said, "Why would you say that?"

He goes, "Because I never
see you making out."

I said, "We don't make out
because we are not on TV."

You put us on a reality show
and pay us,

we act out the whole Kama Sutra.

[laughter and applause]

And then he went to throw up.
[laughing]

But the thing about the Kama Sutra
is that it is true,

Indian people wrote it.

But I can promise you,
no Indian man has ever read it.

[laughter]

It's a lot like the Americans
and their Constitution.

- [audience groaning and cheering]
- Ohh!

[applause]

No one knows what the Eighth Amendment is
or the eighth position is.

[laughter]

But I do understand that there are a lot
of stresses in this world.

I'm not trying to minimize that at all.

But the good news is that every way
to deal with those stresses,

all those methods are Indian.

Yoga, meditation, Ayurveda,
living with your parents.

[laughter]

And people see me
looking like this in America.

They think I know how to meditate.

[laughter]

I don't meditate.

The Indians who like to meditate
are still in India.

[laughter]

Probably meditating.

[laughter]

But then, I found out
that white people will pay $50

to sit on a cushion and wait
for lady to ring a bell.

[laughter]

So, I said, "I will teach the meditation.

[laughter]

"And because I'm nothing,
until I deliver full value

"for your time and money today,

we're gonna meditate
right here, right now."

- [laughter]
- You don't have to do anything,

you just have to listen to my words.

I mean, you should close your eyes,

but sometimes it's hard
because of the Botox.

[laughter]

And this might also be shocking
for some of you.

It might be the first time
you're meditating with a woman,

not named Megan.

[laughter]

But I will try to make it
very easy and comfortable for you.

Just listen to your--
listen to my words

and kindly bring your mind's eye

to a point of light inside your head.

This point of light
sits on top of a mountain.

[laughter]

It is a mountain of cash.

[laughter and applause]

Because everybody in this room

deserves love, peace, prosperity,

and an investment property
they can Airbnb.

[laughter and applause]

Just for tonight,
don't worry about your job,

don't worry about your life,
don't worry about your kids.

Relax, knowing that everything
you did for them did not matter.

[laughter]

Stop hiring tutors.

If they still need help in math,
it's time to cut them loose.

[laughter]

Just for this moment in time,
try not to worry about the rainforest.

There's gonna be a few acres left.

Those environment people,
they always exaggerate.

And anyway, you are not
the ones to save the planet.

You don't even know how to parallel park.

[laughter]

Many of you fill the dishwasher wrong,

and it came with a photo on how to do it.

[laughter]

Just for this moment in time,

try not to worry about World War III.

It's probably gonna happen.

But it's not gonna affect you
unless you're stupid enough

to invite your mother-in-law
in the bunker.

I mean, do you really want her
in there every day

going, "Hi-hi.

You put garam masala in the chai."

Or something.
You know she's gonna make issues.

Just don't invite her, it's--
What is the point

of inviting her in the bunker if this
is just gonna lead to World War IV?

[laughter]

And now, I'm going to do
some affirmations

because Wikipedia said that comes next.

[laughter]

Again, you don't have to do anything.

You just have to listen to my words

as I remind you
that you're not a loser.

You are just not a winner.

[laughter]

And that is okay.

[laughter]

You are not fat.

You just don't look good naked.

[laughter and applause]

And that is also okay.

And you are not alone.

- You are just annoying.
- [laughter]

But the world needs annoying people.

That's how we got Elon Musk.

[laughter and applause]

And now, I'm gonna leave you
with the wise words of my spiritual guru.

I wanna give you a secret mantra,

something you can keep in your back pocket
that can help you win in life,

sometimes when you need a little extra.

I learned this secret mantra
from my personal spiritual guru,

Guru Mugdu Mayananda.

In English, Taylor Swift.

[laughter]

Who in her infinite wisdom
has taught us

that haters gonna hate.

- [laughter]
- Players gonna play.

[scattered cheers]

Shake it off, just shake it off!

- [cheering and applause]
- [Zarna laughing]

Thank you, San Francisco!

[cheering and applause]

[♪ "Where's the Party Tonight" playing]

♪ Naach all night,
wanna naach all night? ♪

♪ Do you feel alright? ♪

♪ Wanna naach all night ♪

♪ Dance with me, baby,
won't you dance with me all night? ♪

♪ Won't you party, party, party,
won't you run the floor all night? ♪

♪

♪

♪ Pyaari-pyaari baatein ♪

♪ Sapno ke din hain ♪

♪ Sapno ki raatein ♪

♪ Ho, goonje hain dil ke taraane ♪

♪ Machle hain geet suhaane ♪

♪ Behke hain saare deewane ♪

♪ Toh nach le, nach le all night ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight,
somewhere down the road ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight,
on the dance floor ♪

♪ O, sapno ke din hain, sapno ki raatein ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight ♪

♪ Naach, naach all night ♪

♪ Get it right ♪

♪

Oh, my God.

♪

[laughter]

♪

♪ Meri ye kahani, jiski hoon deewani ♪

♪ Wo hai deewana mera ♪

♪ Jo hai dil ki raani, usko bhi zabaani ♪

♪ Yaad hai fasaana mera ♪

♪ Ho, poori hui koi kahani ♪

♪ Mil gayi dil ki nishaani ♪

♪ Jhoom uthi ye zindagaani ♪

♪ Toh nach le, nach le all night ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight,
somewhere down the road ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight,
on the dance floor ♪

♪ O, sapno ke din hain, sapno ki raatein ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight? ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight,
somewhere down the road ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight,
on the dance floor ♪

♪ O, sapno ke din hain, sapno ki raatein ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight, tonight? ♪

[cheering and applause]

[flies buzzing]