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[Shalabh Garg] Ladies and gentlemen...

it's time for the woman of the hour...

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

your headliner...

and my wife...

Zarna Garg.

[♪ "Where's the Party Tonight" by Shaan & others playing]

[cheering and applause]

♪ Do you feel alright? ♪

♪ Wanna naach all night? ♪

♪

[♪ song fades out]

Namaste, San Francisco!

[cheering and applause]

Namaste, so excited to be here.

You know, the reason I'm up here performing tonight

and not sitting in the audience with you

is because I'm the world's only Indian who failed math.

[laughter]

I also didn't know how to build anything.

Engineering schools paid me to stay away.

[laughter]

And last year, my family's motel went bankrupt.

[laughter]

I know, rest in peace, Red Roof Inn.

[laughter]

But my Instagram account is killing!

- [cheering and applause] - [Zarna laughing]

You know, I started doing standup comedy to make money,

and somebody said, "Why would you do that?

There's no money in comedy."

And I realized there's no money in the way Americans do standup comedy.

[soft laughter]

Because they treat it like an art.

[laughter]

See, I put my practical Indian brain on

and set it up like a business from the get-go.

[laughter]

You wanna laugh, I wanna trash my mother-in-law.

[laughter and applause]

- See, already in business. - [laughter]

And I've lived in America for so many years.

I love living here, but everything is complicated in this country.

My 11-year-old son came home from school and said,

"Mom, my school has asked me to declare my pronouns.

What should I say?"

I said, "You tell them you are Indian. Your pronoun is doctor."

[laughter and applause]

Right? Thank you. Any doctors in the house?

- [scattered cheers] - Woo!

Wow, so many. Right here, doctor?

- Why, why are you volunteering him? - [laughter]

You, you don't want to acknowledge that you're a doc--

What are you, a PhD or something?

[laughter and applause]

- Sometimes that happens. - [laughter]

Are you a doctor? What kind of doctor?

- Uh, infectious diseases. - Infectious diseases, yeah!

Coming in strong, like this is an Indian room.

You know we don't start with no family medicine in here.

[laughter and applause]

Doctor? What kinda doctor?

[audience member replies indistinctly]

Cardiology. Yeah, good job, good job, yeah.

[laughter]

I, I should be happy. I mean, he's a cardiology fellow.

But, like, why is he out on a Wednesday night?

- [laughter] - You know what I mean?

Like, I'm not-- I don't wanna-- If I'm having, like, a heart situation,

like, my doctor cannot be out having fun!

Whatever you do, you better not be smiling right now.

You know what I mean?

In your head, be thinking about the MCAT questions.

Think about all the fellowships you're gonna apply to.

Don't just stop with cardiology.

There's heart transplant, there's a lot more.

[soft laughter]

See? Smiling. Stop that.

[laughter]

Right? No one wants to go to a happy cardiologist.

[soft laughter]

Now, I've lived in America so many years, and I'm still fully Indian, right?

Like, I look Indian, I wear Indian clothes,

I have an Indian accent.

I mean, I don't see the point in dropping the accent now.

[laughter]

I mean, why would I not play the diversity card?

[laughter]

I mean, how do you think I get booked here?

[laughter]

But there is one place where diversity doesn't work for me.

It's in my own home.

My kids, I hate to say this, they're a little racist.

[laughter]

- They think I'm tech support. - [laughter]

All day long with the questions,

"How does this work? Where do I charge this?

How do I plug this in?"

I'm like, "First of all, your call is very important to us.

[laughter and applause]

It will be answered in the order in which it was received."

[laughter]

So, here's the thing, I'm an immigrant,

but I don't like other immigrants.

[laughter]

No, it's like that for all of us. This is, this is not a new sentiment.

Back in the day, the Irish didn't like the Italians,

and the Italians didn't like the Puerto Ricans,

and the Puerto Ricans really didn't like the Dominicans.

But then, the Dominicans could play baseball, so they were fine.

[laughter]

And now, the Indians and the Chinese, we can't stand each other.

Because somebody decided we all have to check the Asian box...

- [soft laughter] - ...for college applications.

So, all our kids fighting for the same 15 spots at Princeton.

And meanwhile, those poor Singaporeans, Filipinos, Japanese,

they're like, "What did we do to get stuck in this?"

[laughter]

And be honest, like, when you see me, do you even think Asian?

Do you think, "I bet she knows where the best dim sum is?"

[laughter]

No, you see me and you think, "I bet her uncle owns a Dunkin' Donuts."

[laughter and applause]

And he does! [laughing]

Two of them!

[laughter]

But I am a super proud Indian woman.

I walk around America wearing a bindi,

so people have a lot of questions about what is it?

"What is a bindi? Why do you wear it?

Is it a jewel? Is it painted on?"

It's nothing, it's a sticker.

It's the same sticker Macy's uses to mark down their clothes.

[laughter]

Sometimes I go to Macy's

and I see something that I like that's not on sale.

[laughter and applause]

You know I'm doing it. [laughing]

And people also always want to know

if you have to be married to wear the bindi.

This is a question that comes up a lot in America.

Do you have to be married to wear the bindi?

And, no, you don't. Any woman anywhere can wear the bindi.

Married women do tend to wear it more.

Even I started wearing mine after I got married

because I needed the world to know that now I'm a bargain.

[laughter]

Because we all know a car loses 50% of its value

the minute it's driven off the lot.

And I know some of you are feeling bad for me.

You're like, "Aw, she's calling herself a used car."

Don't worry about me. I know my worth, I'm a Tesla.

[laughter]

We don't have a sign or a symbol of marriage in our culture as such.

We don't do engagement rings, we don't do wedding rings.

That's not a thing in the Indian culture. We don't even do wedding cakes.

Uh, but, I mean, no-- Oh, somebody is like, "Aw."

- [laughter] - No, no, it's okay.

If you're invited to an Indian wedding, please go.

There's a lot of dessert. We are world champions in diabetes.

[laughter]

But we don't do cakes, because if we were to do a cake,

what would we put on top of it?

What do you put on top of a cake, a wedding cake here?

What do you put on top of it? A bride and groom, right?

What would the Indians put, two sets of parents shaking hands?

[laughter]

It would be like, "Singh family, come on up, Singh family.

"15 people, get on the cake.

"Shah family, you also get on the cake, all of you.

"Jump right on.

"Where is the bride? She fell down.

[laughter]

Which one is the groom? They all look alike."

[laughter]

There would so many people on top of an Indian wedding cake,

it would become a pancake.

[laughter]

The closest thing we have to a symbol of marriage in our culture

is actually a necklace.

It's a necklace that we get at the end of the wedding ceremony.

It's called a mangalsutra,

and I'm wearing mine to show you guys.

This is a mangalsutra. It's pretty, right?

From a distance, it might look like a rapper's medallion.

[laughter]

You might look at it and think, "Is she Z Diddy?"

[laughter]

"Or maybe she's Kanye East."

[laughter]

Or maybe there was a sixth Spice Girl, Turmeric.

[laughter]

But this necklace is none of those things.

This necklace is $14.99 on Amazon.

[laughter]

And like all things Indian, it is very practical.

See, Indian people, we like practical things.

We like things that have multiple functions.

No, we like practical things,

so this necklace, that way, does a lot of heavy lifting.

What's a ring gonna do? It sits there and does nothing all day.

This necklace, black and gold, kind of goes with everything, right?

Then, little black beads around the neckline, very slimming.

[laughter]

And you get the necklace the day you get married.

In a few months, few years, you realize one day

what your life has become, and you need to hang yourself.

[laughter and applause]

See how it does everything for you?

[laughter]

And I love that you guys laughed at that joke

because that is my mother-in-law's favorite joke.

[laughter]

My mother-in-law lives in India,

but comes to America for three months at a time.

- [soft laughter] - Right?

It's like she has her own season. "Winter is coming."

[laughter]

And the mother-in-law relationship in our culture

is very, is very interesting.

Here in America, when people get engaged or married,

they exchange the rings between the two people, right?

We're making the commitment.

Not so about this necklace.

This necklace, even though it's a symbol of marriage,

is usually a gift from the mother-in-law to the daughter-in-law.

So, you can imagine how much love goes into it.

[laughter]

And one time, my friend, Seema, was getting married,

and she got a beautiful mangalsutra with diamonds,

and even a ruby. Right?

And we were all so jealous.

And then, we found out that the day after the wedding,

the mother-in-law took it back.

- [laughter] - She said, "Are you crazy?

This necklace wasn't for you, it was just for the photos."

So, I said, "Seema, good thing I wasn't there.

"Otherwise, I would've asked her,

'Do I keep the husband, or is he also just for the photos?'"

[laughter and applause]

'Cause mother-in-laws are like that, right?

And my mother-in-law lives in India, so people here often think,

how involved can she be in my life?

[laughter]

Very. I'll give you an example.

We had a day of fasting in our culture a few weeks ago

called Karva Chauth.

Now, on this day, Hindu wives fast

so their husbands can live a longer life.

[laughter]

Now, first of all, if I'm fasting, everybody's life is in danger.

[laughter]

But Karva Chauth was coming up, so my mother-in-law called me from India.

And now, you have to understand something about my mother-in-law.

I've been married to her son, my husband, for 25 years.

She hasn't fully made her peace with the idea...

- [laughter] - ...that we are family.

So, every time she talks to me,

she opens the conversation with the words, "Hi-hi."

[laughter]

Now, "hi-hi" is an Indian expression of extreme despair.

[laughter]

Like, "Oh, my God."

Or you know how the Jewish culture, they say, "Oy vey,"

or in the Muslim community, "Yallah,"

or as my Black friends like to say, "Damn!"

[laughter]

So, anyway, Karva Chauth was coming up,

and my mother-in-law called me from India and she goes, "Hi-hi.

I hope you're fasting for my son."

I said, "Intermittent fasting."

[laughter and applause]

[cheering and applause]

The thing is that I've been trying to have an honest and open relationship

with her forever, since day one.

We-- You know, we encourage each other to tell the truth

so that, you know, we can al-always have, like, a happy relationship.

And back in the day, when my daughter was born,

she came over to help when she was a newborn baby.

Now, whether she helped or not...

[laughter]

...we will not get into that.

But she was here when my daughter was a newborn.

And while she was here, she saw my husband

change her diaper many times.

See, you heard that? "Ooh."

[laughter]

So, she took me aside and she said, "Hi-hi.

[laughter]

As long as I'm alive, can you please not make him do this?"

So, I told her, I said, "Listen, I understand if you have to go."

[laughter and applause]

And I make mother-in-law jokes, so people always want to know

what she thinks of my comedy career.

And the truth is-- You wanna know?

Yeah, you're curious. See, everybody's curious about this.

Okay, I'll tell you the truth.

The truth is that when I first started, I didn't tell her I was doing this.

I wasn't sure how she was gonna take it.

But her bitchy friends...

[laughter]

...follow me on social media, and run and go report me to her.

So, she called me from India and she goes, "Hi-hi.

[laughter]

Is it true you make jokes about me?"

I said, "Kind of," and I just disregarded it.

Then she goes, "You make money doing this?"

- [laughter] - I said, "Sort of."

Pssh, pushed it aside.

And then, she got really quiet, so I got nervous.

I said, "Are you upset with me? Do you want me to stop?"

And she goes, "If it makes money, you tell people

that your father-in-law likes to do it doggy style."

[laughter]

You guys laugh, I haven't looked him in the eye!

[laughter]

And, apparently, neither has she!

[laughter and applause]

And people also always wanna know

what my husband thinks of my comedy career.

His own friends tease him, they're like, "How can you let your wife

talk about your mother in this way?"

And he tells them, he's like, "Every woman talks about her mother-in-law this way.

Mine just figured out how to get paid for it."

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

But my husband and I, we're really good.

We've been married 25 years, we're so happily married.

Never said a word to each other.

[laughter]

The big secret to our happy marriage

is we don't communicate.

[laughter]

In case of emergency, hand signals.

- [laughter] - You know.

[laughter and applause]

That's it, we don't need any more than that.

And we're a very classic immigrant couple.

We've never said "I love you" to each other.

It's not something we do, right? You kn-- Right?

Indian couples, it's not like a everyday thing.

We don't say, "I love you." Any couples here?

You guys look young, you probably still say "I love you" to each other.

Oh, oh, yeah, he's like, "Yes, yes, we're very American."

[soft laughter]

Okay, any-- Where's the other Indian couple?

Fifteen, 16 years, you said?

Fifteen? You say "I love you" to each other?

- [audience member] I love you. - You just said it now? You-- Wait, what?

Are you just kind of breaking it to her?

[laughter]

That felt like-- Did you--

He's like, "Let me just say it right now, let me just..."

[laughter]

As it is, the immigrants are very stressed out in America right now.

We're all trying to be good Americans, we're like, "Because we're in America,

'I love you' every time to everybody at all times!"

[laughter and applause]

This is what this latest election has done to us.

We are under a lot of pressure to say "I love you" now

because it's American to do that.

But now, because we live in America,

we're under a lot of pressure to say it, all the time.

Like, "Uber driver, I love you."

[laughter]

Walgreen guy gave you a bag, "I really love you."

[laughter]

[laughing] Like...

But just because we don't say "I love you"

doesn't mean there's not a lot of love there.

There's a lot of love there.

Even in my case, I don't say, "I love you,"

but I show my husband my love.

I check all his emails for him.

[laughter]

And because I know I'm not the only snoopy type

in this audience right now,

I'm gonna give you guys a pro-grade tip.

Nothing naughty happens over email anymore.

[laughter]

It has all moved to LinkedIn DMs.

[audience groaning]

How do I know this? I know this because, one time,

my husband fell asleep with his laptop open.

Now look, if the laptop is already open,

it's not my fault if I see something.

- [laughter] - Right?

I was just cleaning it, making it nice for him.

[laughter]

And his LinkedIn DMs popped up,

and there was a message from his work friend, Angelie.

She's like, "Hey, Shalabh, congrats on the new promotion.

We should catch up."

[laughter]

I said, you know what, let me take care of this for him.

- [laughter] - And I just wrote her back.

I said, "No need to catch up, he's dead."

[laughter]

Angelie.

My husband and I, we are so good,

we decided to make a life in New York City

- because we hate money. - [soft laughter]

And, surely, you guys in San Francisco understand that, right?

That was the saddest. Like, did you hear?

Like, the whole room went like, "Yes."

I see a lot of glasses of water on the t-- I know.

- I understand. - [laughter]

It's not looking good. I said-- Even the cardiologist.

- Oh, poor thing. - [laughter]

What to do now? You know what to do.

And have you noticed something?

Let me, let me tell you something I've observed recently

about people back home in India.

How many immigrants in this room?

- Any immigrants? - [scattered cheers]

So many immigrants, right? And you-- wherever country you are from,

I've noticed a trend back home.

Maybe it's true in whatever country you guys are from.

The Indians back home in India are very rich now.

Have you noticed that?

- How did this happen? - [laughter]

That was not the deal.

[laughter]

The deal was that we leave India, we come here,

and we make money, and they stay in India,

they have the family, they have the culture,

- and they stay poor! - [laughter]

And now, they're very, very rich.

And, of course, somehow, this is my husband's fault,

so I was yelling at him one day. I'm like, "What did we do?

"Why did we come to America? What do we have here?

What do we have?"

And he said to me, he goes, "What are you going on about?

- You have me." - [laughter]

I was like, "Oh, God, it's worse than I thought!"

[laughter]

But people in India have crazy money.

Like, my friend just bought a yacht.

She lives in India.

My friend, Nandini, bought a yacht.

She lives in Delhi.

[laughter and applause]

Explain to me why Nandini in Delhi needs a yacht.

Delhi is landlocked.

What is she gonna do next, buy an ocean?

And if she gets an ocean, I want Australia.

[laughter]

You are having so much fun with this joke, sir.

You're, you're-- Are-- You live here? You live in America?

- Yeah, are you an immigrant? - [audience member] Very so.

"Very so," wow. Oh, "very so," let's find out.

[laughter]

No, no, it's okay. Where are you from?

- Goa. - From Goa.

And what do you do here?

[speaking indistinctly]

You work in a ho...

He works in a hospital. Okay, are you a doctor?

- [laughter] - Are you PhD?

- Yes. - You're a PhD?

Oh, that's why he's like, "No, no, no, I can't talk about what I do."

- [laughter] - "No, no, no."

Oh, I see, I see. Okay, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to troll you at all.

Yeah, 'cause we all know that PhD,

that was a wrong road you went down.

[laughter]

This is why-- Like, that-- Did you see?

He did not say, "I'm a doctor."

Not in this room, not--

If this was a white people room, no problem.

He would've been like, "I'm a doctor, damnit!"

- Not in a brown people room. - [laughter]

Hey, if he would've said he's a doctor here,

these two would've sprung up right now.

[laughter]

This guy never lifted a finger on anybody,

but he would've been like, "I'ma just show you right now!"

[laughter]

What is your PhD in? Is it at least some kind of STEM?

Or you did PhD in English?

[laughter and applause]

[Zarna laughing]

This has been a hard one to wrap my head around, honestly.

And then, as if it wasn't bad enough that we live in New York City,

we had three kids.

Why did we decide to have three kids?

Why, what possessed us? You know what I mean?

Two made sense.

Two made sense because my oldest was a girl.

- I had to fix that. - [laughter]

No, she's fine! She has a therapist.

[laughter]

That's right, I pay $350 an hour

for the two of them to talk shit about me.

[laughter]

But after my girl, I have two boys.

- Woo-hoo! - [scattered cheers]

And my oldest is my daughter. She's, she's such a good kid.

She's a student at Stanford University.

[scattered cheers]

Thank you. See, I know what I'm doing.

And she worked really hard to get into Stanford.

Honestly, she, she had it all.

She had the GPA, she was captain of her sports team.

She was class president, she had the SAT scores.

Of course, she had the SAT scores, right?

Right? You're nodding.

Yeah, the minute I said "SAT", all the Indians sat up.

- [laughter] - They're like, "That's our Super Bowl.

Let's go, let's do one right now. Pull it out."

[laughter]

But my daughter, really, she, she had it all.

She even rescued a puppy from a burning building.

[audience] Aww.

I put the puppy in there.

[laughter]

But no one needs to know that story.

My daughter, she's also found a cure for leukemia,

but we're holding that one for grad school.

[laughter]

Because you can't just pile on all the stories in one application.

And my daughter is a good kid. She's at Stanford.

I should be so proud of her, but I'm not, I'll tell you why.

Because she's the classic older child of an immigrant family.

She is a dramatic, overthinking mess.

Everything in her life is a catastrophe.

Everything upsets her, you know? You're, you're nodding, sir.

- You have a daughter like that? - [laughter]

Right? I have all the parents in the room,

they're like, "Yes, we have one of these."

See, everybody either has one of these kids,

is one of that kid, or knows one of those kids.

[laughter]

So, I'll give you an example.

She was taking a computer class in college,

and the computer teacher told the whole class,

"Some of you will find this class challenging."

But what she heard is, "I'm a loser...

I'm never going to pass, I'm never going to graduate."

And some version of this goes on in her life every day.

And every day, I have to talk her off the ledge

and remind her that she's going to be fine,

she's going to graduate.

And if nothing works out for her, we will send her

to medical school in Barbados.

[laughter and applause]

I mean, we won't tell our friends.

[laughter]

But forget about my daughter.

Let me tell you about my 17-year-old son.

So handsome. I show you photo afterwards of him.

[laughter]

So handsome, my 17-year-old boy, such a good boy.

But his biggest problem is that he knows he's handsome.

Do you know the type when somebody is very aware of their own good looks?

So, my husband was yelling at him one day

like every normal Indian father does.

He's like, "You're not advanced enough in calculus!

Why are you wasting time with the drama club?"

And my son looked at his dad and said, "Dad,

life works out differently for attractive people."

[audience groaning and laughing]

And I know I should get mad at him, but he's so handsome.

[laughter]

But I am learning so much about having kids

and life in America.

See, the thing is, when you're an immigrant,

until you have kids, you're like basically on an extended study abroad.

You have your backpack, you go where you wanna go,

do what you wanna do, it doesn't really matter.

The minute you have kids, you get pregnant, it gets real

'cause now you're, like, building this life,

and the differences start showing up immediately.

You get pregnant in India, it's a celebration.

There might be a party. There's so much joy

associated with the news of the pregnancy.

You get pregnant in America, you get a book.

[laughter]

What to Expect When You're Expecting.

[laughter and applause]

Millions of babies born in India every year,

nobody ever read a book.

[laughter]

If the Indians were writing that book, the whole book would be one line.

What to expect when you're expecting? Expect a baby.

[laughter and applause]

But you can trust the Americans

to take the most basic human experience

and turn it into a multimillion-dollar franchise.

And it doesn't just stop there.

As soon as the baby is born,

that baby, here in America, is measured for height,

for weight, for head circumference.

That baby is assigned percentiles.

They rank the babies in America.

[laughter]

Now, you cannot use words like "percentiles" and "ranks"

with Indians without triggering them.

[laughter]

And our puny little kids

never hit the high height and weight percentiles.

[cheering and applause]

Because they're being compared to American kids

and America has Shaquille O'Neal.

[laughter]

Our kids, descendants of Gandhi.

[laughter]

Have you seen Gandhi?

Gandhi was 90 pounds,

and 12 of those pounds was in that diaper thing he was wearing.

[laughter and applause]

And as if that's not bad enough,

the minute the kid is a little bit older, that kid is on a schedule.

The baby has a schedule.

There are milestones this baby must meet.

Six months, sit up, 12 months, walk, 18 months, talk.

Now, my son, the handsome one...

[laughter]

...was almost two years old, not saying a word.

So, I was very panicked, because according to the book,

he should have a lot of words.

I went rushing to the pediatrician.

I said, "I don't understand what-what's happening.

He looks perfectly fine, but he's not saying a word."

And she said, "Yes, we do like to see words."

[laughter]

Now, I'm freaking out because if other kids are saying words,

mine should be playing the violin.

[laughter]

But she calmed me down and she said,

"Look, Mrs. Garg, why don't you take a beat?

"Go home and talk to your kid,

"and intentionally engage him for a few weeks

and try to get him to talk to you."

The kid is two.

What am I saying to him?

Do I ask him, "Do you think this hungry caterpillar

has an eating disorder?"

[laughter]

What conversation am I having with a two-year-old?

So, I said, you know what, I'm gonna call a doctor in India

and find out what a doctor back home would say in this circumstance.

So, I called my friend's pediatrician back home.

I explained the whole situation to him.

I said, "Look, I don't understand what's happening.

"He's perfectly fine, he's so good-looking...

[laughter]

...but just not saying a word."

And the doctor heard me out, and he said,

"Mrs. Garg, have you considered, maybe he has nothing to say?"

[laughter and applause]

Silence is the one thing we do not consider in America.

[laughter]

But speaking of babies, let me tell you another one story

about my friend, Seema.

Remember Seema with the fancy mangalsutra?

Now, she's going to have a baby, okay?

And we were all going to go for a baby shower.

We were very excited, we knew it was going to be a boy, so woo!

[laughter]

And at her baby shower,

she had a lot of American friends from work.

So, one of her friends, Becky, asked Seema,

she said, "Seema, now that you know you're having a boy,

will you be circumcising him?"

And she said, "Actually, we are Hindu, we don't do that."

So, she said, "If you don't do that, no white girl will ever sleep with him."

So, Seema said, "Exactly."

[laughter and applause]

But I told Seema, I said, "Listen, Seema, don't jump the gun.

"If a white girl neurosurgeon shows up,

we snip him ourselves."

[laughter]

Let us not make a big deal out of this.

But speaking of babies, I have a third kid.

- I forget about him [laughs] sometimes. - [laughter]

My third kid is also a very academic, neurotic type.

And, you know, we live in Manhattan on the Upper East Side,

not the worst place on Earth to live.

This kid acts like he's growing up in the slums of Calcutta...

and education is his only way out.

[laughter]

I have to tell him, "Calm down, Dube. We have three bathrooms."

[laughter]

And I do this for a living.

I don't get home 'til very late, 12:00, 1:00 in the morning.

And, you know, I get home, and he's doing homework every night.

So, one time, I got upset with his teacher.

I said, "Why are you giving so much homework to an 11-year-old kid?"

And she said, "Mrs. Garg, I'm not giving it to him.

He's assigning it to himself."

[laughter]

Now, here's the thing, when an Indian kid

works hard in America, in school, everybody assumes it's the mother,

that the mother is being a tiger mom and pushing the kid along.

It's not me. Why would I say anything?

My oldest, already at Stanford.

My middle one, so handsome.

[laughter]

This third kid just needs to become an optometrist!

[laughter and applause]

I told him, I said, "Listen, when you grow up,

"you go get that job at the eyeglass store.

"You know that guy who's like, 'This one better, this one better?

"This one better, this one better?'

[laughter]

You go do that, everybody needs that guy."

[laughter]

But I have two high-strung kids, my oldest and my youngest.

My middle one, cool as a cucumber.

So, my middle one, my 17-year-old was playing football

in a park in New York City with his friends,

and somebody walked up to him and punched him and broke his nose.

This kid did not say a word, got on a cross-town bus

to the nearest emergency room, called his dad and said,

"Dad, can you meet me there? I need somebody to sign the paperwork."

The doctor who treated him liked him so much

that he upgraded him to the George Clooney nose for free.

[laughter]

And I didn't find out any of this until the end of the day

because I was in Texas opening for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

[cheering and applause]

Thank you.

But, of course, when I found out, I was very upset, right?

How are you not gonna be upset when you hear news like this?

First of all, I was angry. I was like, why did they go after my son?

Why didn't they go after the 90th percentile bruisers?

No, no, they went after my 12th percentile, Gandhi Jr.

[laughter]

And I was reflecting and thinking,

had this happened to my daughter,

no one was going to go anywhere.

Instantly, her friends would've formed a candlelight vigil.

[laughter]

No one was gonna get on a bus.

We would've had to airlift her to Mayo Clinic.

[laughter]

A Swiss-trained surgeon would have to be flown in

and instead of me doing my job that night,

I would be making calls to Hulu on how best to document the journey.

[laughter]

But the truth is that I was very upset. I was riddled with guilt.

I was, like, kicking myself thinking, why did I take this job?

I should've stayed in New York. I could've prevented it.

You know, the usual mom guilt that you feel.

And as I'm tormenting myself, my phone rings.

It's my mother-in-law.

[laughter]

Because, of course, my husband called his mother.

And she gets on the phone and she goes, "Hi-hi.

[laughter]

Why do you force the boy to play football?"

Look at me.

Just look at me.

Do you think this situation ever called her son and said,

"You know what, son? Today, skip chess and go play football"?

[laughter]

I said, "Newsflash, your son signed the permission slip."

And my mother-in-law says, "Oh, my God,

in that house, my son has to do everything."

[laughter and applause]

But why was my son playing football?

Why does my all-Indian kid want to do all these American things?

Fifteen years ago, Indian kids in America

knew their place in the world.

They grew up, medical school, computer school, engineering school.

If they didn't know anything, they went to law school.

[laughter]

Why are you all pointing at her? Lawyer?

Still better than PhD.

[laughter and applause]

No, it, it used to be clear.

Why does my son wanna play football and do all these things?

You know why? Because here in America,

that's what they, they learn.

Like, now, all these old rules are gone

because Hollywood has found our kids.

They're like, "You be an actor, you be a singer, you be a writer."

And because we all supposed to be modern parents,

we just stand there and we're like... [chuckling]

[laughter]

Like, my friend's, uh, son got a part in a movie,

and he called me, he goes, "Auntie, I got a part in a movie."

I said, "What part did you get, Sanjay?"

He goes, "I'm a hitman."

[laughter]

An Indian hitman named Sanjay?

Who has ever heard of such a thing?

Indian guys are 5'4", 5'5".

How is he gonna pick up the guy he just killed?

[laughter]

And why would anybody ever hire an Indian hitman

when you can hire an Indian to disable this guy's Gmail?

[laughter and scattered applause]

My guy can make it so this guy's food delivery will never show up.

[laughter]

My guy can make it so his salary never hits his direct deposit.

- [laughter] - By the time my guy's done with him,

he's gonna wanna kill himself.

[laughter and applause]

But you cannot say that in America because if you say that,

you're not modern-minded parents.

And now, let me tell you another one story about my friend, Seema.

- [laughter] - You remember Seema, right?

Now, Seema has a grown son

and she called me, and she's crying on the phone, weeping.

She's like, "Zarna, the worst thing has happened."

I said, "What happened, Seema?"

And she goes, "Zarna, you're not going to imagine,

"the worst thing has happened.

"My son quit a high-paying job in Citibank

and became part of a Broadway show."

[gasps]

Even I started crying.

[laughter]

I said, "Hi-hi, Seema!

[laughter]

"Why did your son quit a high-paying job in Citibank

and become part of a Broadway show?"

She goes, "Zarna, this is so bad, this is so bad.

It would be better if he was gay."

[laughter]

So, I said, "Seema, your son is on a stage

"singing and dancing every night.

"You might want to sit down for a minute!

[laughter]

I have some news for you!"

[laughter]

But, of course, he didn't think twice before quitting this job.

He's gonna do whatever he wants

because he, like all the kids in this generation,

believe that they can follow their bliss.

They like to say that phrase, "follow your bliss" is a big one.

And we as parents have to remind them, "No!

"You will monetize your misery.

- [laughter] - "Like the rest of us.

[cheering and applause]

"And don't go looking for your bliss too far

"because I have it right here, I'm holding it in my hand.

"Imagine a little ball, I'm gonna place it here gently

and I'm gonna kill it right now!"

[laughter]

Nobody needs their bliss.

Everybody needs a doctor.

[laughter]

And they like coming up with buzzworthy phrases

to sell their ideology.

Another one they love to say, "Think outside the box."

- Why? - [laughter]

Me, personally, I love the box.

[laughter]

The box is how Indian people went on to become the people

who produce scientists, entrepreneurs, CEOs.

Do you know how many Indian CEOs in America right now?

So many CEOs, Indian CEOs, so desirable. It's the new Labradoodle.

[laughter]

Every company wants one.

[laughter]

The minute the job opens up, they're like, "Come on out, Anil, Sunil.

[laughter]

"Puja, Anuja, line up.

Line up, we gonna take one of you guys."

[laughter]

And it's not just companies. We're running countries.

We almost had an Indian president here.

And, until recently, the Prime Minister of UK was Indian.

Who saw that coming?

Not Winston Churchill.

[laughter and applause]

I mean, if we would've known that this is how it's gonna end up,

we would've told Gandhi to sit down for a minute.

[laughter]

That poor guy spent his whole life marching, marching, marching, marching.

All day, he was marching and fasting like an Upper East Side housewife.

[laughter and applause]

We would've told him, "Relax, we're gonna, you know, have a lassi.

We gonna do this another way."

[laughter]

But it's not anybody's fault.

It's because the kids today in America are born,

they're raised on these beliefs

that they can be anything they want to be.

Every children's book says the same thing.

"If you can dream it, you will become it.

If you imagine it, you are it."

- What even is it? - [laughter]

Not a single children's book in America teaches the kids to shut up and study!

[laughter]

And because nobody wants to do the hard job of tough parenting,

I am writing the world's first practical people's guide to parenting.

- [scattered cheers] - And my book is called,

It's Never Too Late to Go to Medical School.

[laughter and applause]

You want to hear a little snippet?

Hold on, hold on, handy pocket.

[laughter]

[muttering indistinctly] You keep it ready now.

[laughter]

Okay, here it goes.

"People tell their kids they can be policemen, firemen,

"cowboys, or astronauts.

"All dangerous jobs that don't pay a lot.

[laughter]

"We make our kids study and focus on the practical.

"Science, technology, engineering, mathematical.

"Dreams of going to Mars won't get them a scholarship.

But you know what will? Designing that rocket ship."

- [laughter] - [audience members] Ohh!

"In reality, you can't be anything you want.

"That's just the rules, but here is the good news.

It's never too late to go to medical school."

[cheering and applause]

But here's the irony of life.

Life does not give you the curveball that you're ready for.

I was prepared for this fight.

Like, what are my kids gonna want to be when they grow up and all that.

Instead, I'm now dealing with the fact

that my daughter is dating a white boy.

- [scattered cheers] - No!

No!

No, it's okay, it's a phase, everybody goes through it.

[laughter]

And my daughter's boyfriend, he is Jewish.

So, good woo about that. I've been most supportive.

I said, "Listen, you do you, whatever makes you happy."

Also, because I know his mother's gonna put an end to it.

[laughter and applause]

So, why am I gonna be the bad guy?

[laughter]

And, you know, if I don't support her,

that's six more sessions at $350 an hour.

[laughter]

But I did say to her, I said, "Listen to me,

"it's fine you're dating this boy, it's totally okay.

But please don't post a photo with him on the Instagram."

And she goes, "Why not?"

I said, "Because if your Grandma Dadi sees it, she will drop dead."

Then I thought about it.

[laughter]

I was like, "Okay, post the photo!

You know what, post two or three photos, why take a chance?"

[laughter]

And my mother-in-law, she's really a trip.

She lives in the outskirts of Delhi in a small town.

There are a lot of little towns outside Delhi,

nothing much happens in those towns.

And I had to visit her because she was having health issues

and if I didn't go, my sister-in-law was gonna get all the credit.

So, I had to go, yeah.

And I'm hanging out with her, watching the local news with her,

and the local news in that region is always the same.

Some sad girl caught at the wrong time, wrong place.

That night, I'm waiting for my friend's car to pick me up for dinner.

And I'm pacing around, and my mother-in-law says to me, she goes,

"Why are you pacing around so much? Just take a taxi."

And I said, "I can't take a taxi, we just saw the news today.

Bad things happened to this sweet girl. I'm scared to take a taxi."

And she looks at me and she goes, "Oh, please,

look who thinks she's getting raped?"

[audience gasping, groaning]

Now, I know many of you are shocked, but let me tell you something.

Political correctness is not a thing outside this country.

[laughter]

Elderly people, especially, will say whatever comes to their mind.

My own father, at a beautiful dinner table few years ago,

looked across the table at a guest and announced,

"Everybody, don't talk to him, he only has one testicle."

[laughter]

- For no reason. - [laughter]

And I grew up hearing shit like this my whole life, and guess what?

I am still in perfect mental health.

[laughter]

Meanwhile, my kids, born and raised in America,

walking on a cloud of comfort every day, they all have anxiety.

The whole generation woke up one day

and decided they all have anxiety all at once.

[laughter and applause]

See all these traumatized parents back there?

[laughter]

And my daughter asked me, she's like, "Mom,

did you not have anxiety back in your day?"

I said, "No, we had cigarettes."

[laughter]

And, somehow, we've become part of a sandwich generation

where we have to respect our elders, honor their wishes,

but you cannot say anything to your kids.

- [scattered cheers] - Right? 'Cause everything upsets them.

Everything triggers them, everything is a hill they're gonna die on.

I mean, how many people in here who are over 40?

[cheering and applause]

Do you ever remember being this upset about everything?

[laughter]

We didn't have time, we had to rewind videotapes.

[laughter and applause]

You remember those days when you're like, "Don't return it before rewinding"?

[Zarna laughing]

But these kids feel free to tell us anything.

Everything I do in my house is wrong.

Somehow, I'm racist, I'm sexist, I'm homophobic.

The land is not clean enough, the air is not green enough.

So many problems, you would think I live at the Harvard Sociology Department.

[laughter and applause]

And I deal with this all the time.

You know, as a comic and as a digital creator,

I have my share of haters, online trolls.

That's totally fine.

But my trolls love my husband and his mother.

So, if I post a joke about my mother-in-law,

they all spring to her defense.

So, I had a joke about my mother-in-law,

and this one guy in India was rage commenting,

could not stop himself.

He's writing things like, "You should not make these jokes.

"This is not our culture.

"Good thing you live in America because if you lived in India,

"I would tie you up and beat you with a stick.

"And if you were my wife, I would shove a dick in your mouth,

"and four dicks up your ass, and a dick in your ear,

and a dick in your eye."

And then I felt pressure to offer him more locations.

[laughter]

I was like, "Dick in the armpit, dick behind the knee,

dick between the toe."

[laughter]

And at some point, my maternal instinct kicked in.

I was like, "Are you just having a bad day?"

[laughter]

And he goes, "I got a B in algebra.

[laughter]

My mom's gonna kill me."

I said, "You got a B in algebra?

You're lucky your mom lets you keep your dick."

[laughter]

And this whole trend is particularly disturbing for Indians

because Indian people, in general, are very agreeable people.

We are taught from birth, from childhood

to say "yes" to everybody at all times.

Like, we are taught that if somebody slaps you on one cheek,

you offer them the other, right?

India was colonized for 200 years.

Do you know that, in the end, the British army did not leave India

because we defeated them in a big war?

No, no, they left because they got exhausted.

[laughter]

They were like, "This is India, they have two billion cheeks.

[laughter]

Four billion if you count the butts."

[laughter]

And thank God there was no war because we are not cut out to fight.

We eat way too many carbs.

[laughter]

When we get really angry, our big act of rebellion

is declaring a hunger strike.

[laughter]

You know that famous Indian head bob?

This? You know what this is?

This is us trying to say "no".

[laughter]

We're just buffering.

[laughter]

I mean, Indians are so agreeable, we make Canadians look bitchy.

[laughter]

And this works on autopilot with Indian people.

I'll give you an example.

On my way here today, this guy bumped into me.

This big guy, he bumped into me,

and then pointed at me and said, "Stupid dot-head."

And I got startled, and I just said, "No English."

[laughter]

Because we don't get worked up about everything.

We find very quick solutions.

We follow something in our culture, which we call jugaad.

How many people know the word "jugaad?"

[cheers]

So, jugaad is creative problem-solving.

You solve your problems with whatever limited resources you have.

In America, it's what you call jerry-rigging, MacGyvering.

So, we just find solutions and we keep it going.

And now, let me tell you another story about my friend, Seema.

[laughter]

So, Seema's husband came home and said,

"Seema, my mom is getting old, she needs to move in with us."

So, Seema said, "Of course, okay, no problem.

She can stay in my room."

So, her husband said, "If she stays in your room, where will you stay?"

She goes, "I will live in India with her servants."

[laughter]

That was the last I ever heard of this.

But this was Seema's jugaad.

And we are all learning.

Even I'm trying to up my jugaad game, I'll be honest with you.

I was flying from New York to, uh, to San Francisco

to visit my daughter a few months ago,

and I got the worst seat in the airplane, middle seat in the last row.

- [audience groaning] - Right?

Long flight, and by the way,

I have every kind of status you can imagine.

So, I was trying to get upgraded because I travel for a living.

So, I'm reasoning with the gate agent.

I'm like, "Please, can you do something to help me out?

I'm preferred Elite, Diamond, Platinum."

I even said I was a veteran.

[laughter]

Because how's he gonna know?

[laughter]

And everybody's a veteran at something.

[laughter]

And I'm, like, begging and pleading with him,

and my daughter was on the phone while I was trying to figure it out,

and she's hearing me beg, and she's like,

"Mom, stop reasoning with him, just flirt with him."

I never flirted with anybody in my life.

Even when I got married, my husband and I,

we got married because I had two goats, and he needed one.

[laughter]

Still, I said, "Let me try. You know, what do I have to lose now?"

So, I went to the ladies' room, I opened my hair,

I put my glasses away, I put a little lipstick on.

I came back out to the same gate agent,

and I just said, "You know, it's very hot.

[laughter]

"It's just-- If only there was a big strong man...

who could help me."

[laughter]

And this guy, the gate agent leaned into me and he goes,

"I have one seat in first class, I'm gonna upgrade you.

Don't say a word, go run, and take it." I ran, I ran so fast.

I took the seat, I took all the drinks.

They're like, "What do you want?" I said, "Everything.

Champagne, coffee, orange juice, the whole thing."

It's free, it's free, I know.

'Cause I know the Indians are like, "How much did that cost?"

- No. - [laughter]

I just took it all.

And as I was sipping my champagne, I was thinking to myself,

I was like, "I'll never tell my son this,

but life really does work out differently for attractive people!"

[laughter and applause]

And I'm trying to learn, I really am trying to be open-minded.

And I can be a little immigrant-y.

- You may have picked up on it. - [laughter]

And my kids are very much born and raised in America.

So, we're constantly butting heads on how they think and how I think.

And in a spirit of trying to understand them, I said to them,

"Why don't you pick a TV show that we can all watch together?"

And they pick The Bachelor.

Do you know this show, The Bachelor?

If you don't know the show, let me quickly tell you about the show.

In this show, there are a lot of beautiful women

wearing very tiny, tiny clothes.

[laughter]

And they're all chasing after this one man, the Bachelor.

And this guy, he's just a regular guy, he's not a doctor or anything.

[laughter]

And the whole show, this guy is making out, having sex,

making out, having sex, making out, having sex

with each of these different women.

And the-- And because of this show now,

my kids think that this is what a relationship is.

So, my son says to me, he goes,

"Mom, Dad and you are gonna get divorced one day."

I said, "Why would you say that?"

He goes, "Because I never see you making out."

I said, "We don't make out because we are not on TV."

You put us on a reality show and pay us,

we act out the whole Kama Sutra.

[laughter and applause]

And then he went to throw up. [laughing]

But the thing about the Kama Sutra is that it is true,

Indian people wrote it.

But I can promise you, no Indian man has ever read it.

[laughter]

It's a lot like the Americans and their Constitution.

- [audience groaning and cheering] - Ohh!

[applause]

No one knows what the Eighth Amendment is or the eighth position is.

[laughter]

But I do understand that there are a lot of stresses in this world.

I'm not trying to minimize that at all.

But the good news is that every way to deal with those stresses,

all those methods are Indian.

Yoga, meditation, Ayurveda, living with your parents.

[laughter]

And people see me looking like this in America.

They think I know how to meditate.

[laughter]

I don't meditate.

The Indians who like to meditate are still in India.

[laughter]

Probably meditating.

[laughter]

But then, I found out that white people will pay $50

to sit on a cushion and wait for lady to ring a bell.

[laughter]

So, I said, "I will teach the meditation.

[laughter]

"And because I'm nothing, until I deliver full value

"for your time and money today,

we're gonna meditate right here, right now."

- [laughter] - You don't have to do anything,

you just have to listen to my words.

I mean, you should close your eyes,

but sometimes it's hard because of the Botox.

[laughter]

And this might also be shocking for some of you.

It might be the first time you're meditating with a woman,

not named Megan.

[laughter]

But I will try to make it very easy and comfortable for you.

Just listen to your-- listen to my words

and kindly bring your mind's eye

to a point of light inside your head.

This point of light sits on top of a mountain.

[laughter]

It is a mountain of cash.

[laughter and applause]

Because everybody in this room

deserves love, peace, prosperity,

and an investment property they can Airbnb.

[laughter and applause]

Just for tonight, don't worry about your job,

don't worry about your life, don't worry about your kids.

Relax, knowing that everything you did for them did not matter.

[laughter]

Stop hiring tutors.

If they still need help in math, it's time to cut them loose.

[laughter]

Just for this moment in time, try not to worry about the rainforest.

There's gonna be a few acres left.

Those environment people, they always exaggerate.

And anyway, you are not the ones to save the planet.

You don't even know how to parallel park.

[laughter]

Many of you fill the dishwasher wrong,

and it came with a photo on how to do it.

[laughter]

Just for this moment in time,

try not to worry about World War III.

It's probably gonna happen.

But it's not gonna affect you unless you're stupid enough

to invite your mother-in-law in the bunker.

I mean, do you really want her in there every day

going, "Hi-hi.

You put garam masala in the chai."

Or something. You know she's gonna make issues.

Just don't invite her, it's-- What is the point

of inviting her in the bunker if this is just gonna lead to World War IV?

[laughter]

And now, I'm going to do some affirmations

because Wikipedia said that comes next.

[laughter]

Again, you don't have to do anything.

You just have to listen to my words

as I remind you that you're not a loser.

You are just not a winner.

[laughter]

And that is okay.

[laughter]

You are not fat.

You just don't look good naked.

[laughter and applause]

And that is also okay.

And you are not alone.

- You are just annoying. - [laughter]

But the world needs annoying people.

That's how we got Elon Musk.

[laughter and applause]

And now, I'm gonna leave you with the wise words of my spiritual guru.

I wanna give you a secret mantra,

something you can keep in your back pocket that can help you win in life,

sometimes when you need a little extra.

I learned this secret mantra from my personal spiritual guru,

Guru Mugdu Mayananda.

In English, Taylor Swift.

[laughter]

Who in her infinite wisdom has taught us

that haters gonna hate.

- [laughter] - Players gonna play.

[scattered cheers]

Shake it off, just shake it off!

- [cheering and applause] - [Zarna laughing]

Thank you, San Francisco!

[cheering and applause]

[♪ "Where's the Party Tonight" playing]

♪ Naach all night, wanna naach all night? ♪

♪ Do you feel alright? ♪

♪ Wanna naach all night ♪

♪ Dance with me, baby, won't you dance with me all night? ♪

♪ Won't you party, party, party, won't you run the floor all night? ♪

♪

♪

♪ Pyaari-pyaari baatein ♪

♪ Sapno ke din hain ♪

♪ Sapno ki raatein ♪

♪ Ho, goonje hain dil ke taraane ♪

♪ Machle hain geet suhaane ♪

♪ Behke hain saare deewane ♪

♪ Toh nach le, nach le all night ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight, somewhere down the road ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight, on the dance floor ♪

♪ O, sapno ke din hain, sapno ki raatein ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight ♪

♪ Naach, naach all night ♪

♪ Get it right ♪

♪

Oh, my God.

♪

[laughter]

♪

♪ Meri ye kahani, jiski hoon deewani ♪

♪ Wo hai deewana mera ♪

♪ Jo hai dil ki raani, usko bhi zabaani ♪

♪ Yaad hai fasaana mera ♪

♪ Ho, poori hui koi kahani ♪

♪ Mil gayi dil ki nishaani ♪

♪ Jhoom uthi ye zindagaani ♪

♪ Toh nach le, nach le all night ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight, somewhere down the road ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight, on the dance floor ♪

♪ O, sapno ke din hain, sapno ki raatein ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight? ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight, somewhere down the road ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight, on the dance floor ♪

♪ O, sapno ke din hain, sapno ki raatein ♪

♪ Where's the party tonight, tonight? ♪

[cheering and applause]

[flies buzzing]