Original subtitles

You say you want to share your feelings.

Well, I've got feelings too.

Thoughts? I'm an idiot.

I keep getting 96, but the answer key says I'm supposed to be getting 300.

Well, how about the song?

It's about you.

I'm sorry. I'm really homework distracted right now.

You seem stressed.

Let's take a break.

I really need to figure this out. I've got a big test coming up.

Cam, come on.

We've been dating for like a month, and we've only kissed six times.

This?

Look, with my arm and school and everything, it's just hard to get in the

What about now?

What are you doing?

I don't know. Maya, what if my billet mom comes in?

Give me my shirt.

You okay?

Yeah, I just have to go.

Well, you don't have to go.

Obviously I do. Your math homework is really important.

Maya.

I can make it. I can make it.

where's tori you know it uh those are my feelings that you didn't even say hello

hello zig where's tori she had a good ride today and there she is

wow i guess she's uh trying to make a pageant look i can't

believe tori does this pageant i mean what decade are we living in i don't

but i like it

You look good, babe.

Oh, stop.

How good?

What's the pageant this time, Miss Teeny Bikini Top, Miss Spray Tan? Ooh, Miss

Bleach Tees. It's the Miss Millennial Canada pageant, and it's very important.

Okay, goodbye, Zig. I need to go. I'll talk.

What's wrong?

I tried to make out with Cam, but he wouldn't. Maybe you're sending a mixed

signal? I took my shirt off.

That's kind of guiding him onto the runway, isn't it? Right? And still,

landing at 300 miles per hour.

I landed on the floor of my bra. What kind of bra? Lace? Push -up? Strapless?

Sports?

What? Maybe you need to make more of an effort.

Appearance -wise.

Oh, brainwave. I could give you a full makeover, then you can do the pageant

with me.

If Cam saw you on stage looking like a pageant queen, he'd go gaga.

Cam's not superficial like that.

All guys are superficial like that.

Who wants to go on a couple's vacay to Puerto Vallarta this spring break? Oh,

God, your parents said yes?

I can't believe we all got permission, especially fresh out of rehab, Madeline.

Okay, guys, I worked really hard to get my parents' trust back.

Maybe it's your boyfriend they trust. They do have a very trustworthy smile.

Florida, Vallarta. Guys, this is going to be the best trip of our lives.

Yeah, no pressure.

My mom is one condition.

We all get travel insurance.

So these health forms need to be filled out ASAP.

Senorita, would you mind?

Not at all.

Okay, name, address, any medical conditions I should be aware of? Yeah, I

easily.

Okay, I think I know the answer to all the other questions. Thanks, I hate

paperwork. See ya. Thank you.

Uh, Mo, I can fill yours out for you. Don't sweat it.

Not a problem.

No, okay. I can manage.

That was weird.

Maybe Mo likes filling out forms. No one likes filling out form.

Well, except for you.

Ten.

Eleven. One more.

Whoa.

Here, dude.

I'm only up five pounds.

So, a personal best is a personal best.

At this rate, it's going to take me 33 weeks to get up to what you can press.

So, that's why it's called working out.

Guys, what else are you going to do?

Avoid Becky Baker.

Is she back from brainwashing camp?

Yeah, apparently it only takes one week to get over me.

Oh, and I was also thinking of going out for a sports team.

A guy's team?

Volleyball. I've been practicing for the last couple weeks, and I actually think

I have a chance.

You guys better hope and pray that I have meat in the freezer.

Oh, yeah, Mom, we kind of ate the chicken breast after school.

How many eggs and chicken can two kids eat?

Well, it depends on what came first.

Hey, Adam, just be careful with the weights, okay?

It's only a third of what Dallas can lift.

Well, he's got a few more muscles.

Yeah, one word, testosterone.

If you'd let me start taking pee, I'd have muscles like Dallas. And facial

like Dallas.

And a deep voice. Probably not like Dallas.

Probably not. But still, mom. Adam, we've been over this, okay? The answer

still no.

In the meantime, please just be careful with all the physical stuff. I already

have one son with brain damage.

Be safe.

Okay?

Guess that's a no -go on the volleyball team.

You liked it? Perfect.

Can you teach Imogen the vocals?

Imogen? Who else?

It'd be kind of weird if Zig were to sing those words, right?

Yeah, that's why I was thinking maybe I could sing it.

Seriously? Well, I wrote it, didn't I?

And it's killer, but this is like a sexy song.

I mean, if we want to win Battle of the Bands, we need guys to lust over the

girl who's singing it, right?

Guys can't lust over me.

Well, you look like you're 10.

10? Okay, 12.

Okay, fine. I'll teach you how to imagine the vocals. Awesome.

How? What?

It's paper, princess.

Look, I can't stop thinking about Mo acting weird earlier.

Why do you have to obsess over the smallest things?

My boyfriend doesn't want me to fill out his health form for him. I don't know.

Maybe he has some embarrassing medical problem.

He has a secret.

But why won't he trust me with it?

Maybe you guys aren't there yet.

God, we've been dating longer than you and Jake.

If it's bothering you that much, why don't you just talk to Mo?

But then I'm the overbearing girlfriend who needs to know everything.

I can't believe I let you guys talk me into this.

When TC sees you on that stage, it'll be an all -out make -up.

Hold on, I didn't agree to the pageant.

Just the make -over.

I feel like I'm looking through spiders.

When you hit that stage and all eyes are on you, it'll be worth it. I don't care

what a bunch of random strangers think. Just can't. Are you sure I don't look

ridiculous?

On a scale of pretty to totally gorge?

Kristen, you were supposed to bar the door so no one could get in. What is

happening right now? Oh, Maya's doing a beauty pageant. Maybe. What?

Maya, that's absurd.

Katie, go find another bathroom.

Okay.

Don't worry about your sister.

Wait until you see the new you.

I think Kim will like it.

He'd be crazy not to.

Okay, guys, thank you very much. We'll see you tomorrow for the next set.

There is not enough energy drink in the world right now. There probably is.

Adam, a word, please.

Sir, if you have concerns about me trying out... Only one.

You need to sign permission form.

I need one?

Only me?

No.

Everybody else already handed theirs in.

I know your mom's been concerned about you in the past in gym class, but

very little risk of getting hurt.

I know. You're darn fine, Senator.

Maybe tell your mom that.

Thanks, Coach.

Guess what?

Did you download 300 for us to watch?

I got a new look.

Uh, why exactly do you look like this?

I was thinking of entering one of Tori's beauty passions with her.

Why?

I mean, it's not really your thing.

Because I'm not pretty enough?

No, no, no, no. It's just, I... I don't know. It's not...

You. You don't like this.

Do you?

Forget it.

I have no idea what you want.

Hey, is everything okay?

Whoa.

Wait, you think I look ridiculous too?

No, no, no. I'm actually kind of digging the wreck, you know. Shut up. Are you

robbing a bank later?

Don't.

I showed Cam my pageant look and he laughed his head off.

Oh, you're entering the pageant? But you think they're dumb?

Well, Tori's boyfriend likes that she does them.

I just thought that Cam would too.

I was wrong.

Why do you like that Tori's a beauty queen?

When Tori's on the stage, she acts like she owns the room, and I want to be

around her.

You mean you want to make out with her?

No.

So are you going to enter?

No way.

Just because of what Cam thinks?

If you want to do the pageant, then go for it. I'm going to have to wear heels

and a gown and perform a talent in front of a bunch of judgy...

Judges. Okay, look, I've seen some of the talents at the end, all right?

Somersaults, baton twirling.

You play those other girls.

So you really think I have a shot? I do.

But I might want to fix your eyes first.

There's something I have to tell you.

A secret about me.

I, um, cheated on my last math test.

Mo, I'm talking to you.

Hello? Earth to Mo.

Sorry, what?

I said I cheated on my last math test.

Did you get caught?

No, I didn't.

Um, your turn.

Tell me something I don't know about you.

Uh... A secret.

It's a game.

Are you nervous?

No. Then why are you sweating buckets?

I am?

Huh?

You're not even listening to me.

What's going on with you? I need to take a leak. I'm trying to talk to you.

First leak, then talk.

Hey, Mom?

Can I float an idea by you?

Oh, hey. Yeah, you startled me.

Sorry.

Are you crying?

No, no. It's nothing. I'm fine.

Drew's shirt.

You miss him.

I basically drove him away.

No, you didn't.

He's got serious medical issues. He dropped out of school.

He's moved out.

Now he thinks he's getting married this summer.

Getting married?

To Bianca?

Apparently.

Don't worry, he'll find a way to mess it up. He always does.

I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse.

Sometimes I think his behavior is all my fault. It's not.

I can't even keep my children safe.

We don't exactly make it easy.

More evidence that I'm awful having my own child reassure me. I'm not a child.

No, you're not.

And you're still here.

And safe.

Right?

And still here.

And safe.

What did I get myself into?

Is Cam coming?

We had a fight, so no.

I forgot about the audience part, that there would be one, and what about the

other contestants?

No one's going to kneecap me with a wrench, are they?

I agree with that, Caddy.

Besides, only ten girls make it to the next round. Don't worry about jealousy.

Oh, because I don't have any shot at making the next round, right?

I competed for years before I made it to the finals. Just have fun.

When you hit that runway, you will feel awesome. I promise.

And tonight, your host, Ben Maroon.

Welcome to round one of the Miss Millennial Canada pageant.

All you have to do is walk and talk.

Don't forget about the talking part.

Boy, do I feel better.

Want some cookie?

I have to go.

Mayor.

I love cheerleading, black and white movies, and fashion, and of course,

performing. Thanks so much.

And thank you.

All right, time to meet our next contestant. She is a first -time

Maya Matlin.

There's a girl who knows how to make an entrance.

Maya, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Well, I'm Maya Matlin, but you already know that.

I love playing cello, soccer, and being a clumsy goof on stage in front of

strangers.

Thank you, Maya.

Oh, I'm heavier than last time.

It is. You get heavier every time. That's how you build strength.

Is it going to help with volleyball?

Yeah. And pick up check.

How'd the tryouts go?

Great. Except for the part where I need a parent to sign a permission slip.

Still think your mom's going to forbid you from playing? I mean, volleyball's

not even a real sport.

It is.

And no, I don't think she'll stop me from playing, but she'll worry.

You're going to make me cry, mama's boy.

But what do I do? I want to play.

All you need is the signature that says Audra Torres.

It doesn't matter who wrote it.

So you're saying I should forge it?

Your mom doesn't know. It won't hurt her.

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment has arrived.

Let's find out which ten girls will advance to the final round tomorrow.

First up, Miss Tori Santamaria.

The next finalist is Miss Janelle Moyet.

Look, if the judges don't pick you, then they're done.

What part of falling on my ass did you miss?

I mean it.

You're the best, Maya. Huh.

I wish Cam felt that way.

Well, if he doesn't, then he's in it.

You deserve better.

Too bad you're off the market.

And our last finalist is none other than Miss Maya Matlin.

I told you.

Well, congratulations, girls. We will see you all at the finals tomorrow.

Thank you very much.

I cannot believe I made it. You are right, Tor. This feels awesome.

Hey,

I

got your text. What's the emergency?

Um, I know Moe's secret.

I snooped in his bag.

Snooping? Where?

Look, it's a good thing I did.

Look what I found.

A needle?

Why would Moe have a needle?

Because Moe does drugs, Katie.

It's the only explanation.

He was acting completely stoned.

And you couldn't even follow a simple conversation.

No, there must be another reason. And then he bolts out of there like he's

jonesing big time.

A few minutes later, he gets back and acts like nothing happened.

In his defense, Mo isn't the type to do drugs.

Neither were you.

Okay, point taken. Look, I need to confront him, get him to admit the

then make him stop.

Are you sure about this?

Yeah, I just... I want a guy like Zig.

Zig's taken. I know. I said a guy like Zig.

Emphasis, like.

It's where he treats you like a queen and he makes you feel good about

every day. And you should totally have that, too.

You're Miss Millennial Canada Top Ten after all.

Thanks.

Okay.

Here we go.

Hi, Cam.

Yeah, I'm sorry that I fight too.

But... I've been thinking... We should take a break.

Not a break. No, we should just break up.

I know, but... Look, I'm sorry. Bye.

What did he say?

Nothing. As usual.

So long, Campbell Saunders.

Nice knowing y 'all.