Original subtitles

I'm wearing new cologne.

Oh, what's it called? Girl Be Gone?

It's like whenever I'm with you, girls tend to go the other way. Not true.

Thanks for coming.

This shoot is going to be so much fun. Okay, as soon as I figure out who I

I'll let you know.

Maybe it is true.

You think?

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

What was that?

Who are those girls? Are they single? Why weren't we invited? Easy now, boys.

Try to act like you've seen girls before. I was auditioning those models

buzz bikini shoot.

Bikini models?

We missed out on bikini models because this chump wanted to stop for some

dairy drink? These are non -dairy. They taste so good that you can't tell the

difference.

Oh, yeah, because that's what's important here.

Where'd you find those girls?

In the book. It has listings and photos of every teen model in town.

Just tell me. Let me touch them. Got it. No, this isn't a toy. I'm putting it in

DJ's office.

Exactly.

Michael, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Let me know when you're done with it. I need it for my article.

What, your article on implausible cover stories?

That book would give my life meaning.

That sentence was sad.

We need to find girls fast.

We can find them slow. We just need to find them.

What are we going to do?

I'll tell you what we're not going to do. Waste our time thinking about that

book.

We are journalists.

We can't act like typical girl -crazy teenage boys.

Did you steal the book?

Steal the book.

And then Noah says he needs the book for an article.

Okay. So that is the best excuse he could think of.

Oh, man, I don't remember the last time we had this much fun together.

I know. I don't think I've ever felt so close to you, stepmom.

Aw.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Mrs. Pierce. Oh, hi there. It's nice to see both of you.

But if you'll excuse me, I was just on my way to powder my nose. I hear it's

new, so you better take care of it.

Who knows where kids pick up these things?

Mothstruck! I didn't know your stepmom was having a baby.

What? Stepmom's not pregnant.

Yes, she is. She's so pregnant, someone else who was pregnant would look at her

and say, wow, I thought I was pregnant.

She's just fat.

That's why she's been so jolly lately.

Rebecca, stepmom's not pregnant, is she?

Of course not.

What are you blind? She's a parade float.

Okay, we have to go.

Why are you trying to cover up that Amanda's stepmom's having a baby?

It seems like a secret.

Like all the alien invasions.

Is that what's going on here? Is her stepmom having an alien baby?

You're not leading into a van full of government agents, are you?

If Amanda doesn't know she's going to be a big sister, we're not going to be the

ones to tell her.

Besides, aliens don't exist. Yes,

we do.

No, they don't. They do.

No, they don't. Yes, they do.

Amanda had to hide the book here somewhere.

DJ could be back any second. Act fast.

I'm acting as fast as I can.

This is too much chocolate, even for DJ.

Wait. Book swap? Book swap. Okay.

Three, two, one. Go. Go. Go.

Got it.

Okay. Okay. Open it. Open it. All right. I'm open. I'm so excited.

So that Wilder sure says some interesting things.

He's always saying silly stuff like that. You should have heard what he just

said. What's that?

Okay, so you go off to the powder room and he's all like, Moth Truck, I didn't

know your stepmom was pregnant.

Sorry, I just figured you were comfortable with your enormous waking.

Amanda, I am pregnant.

Did you remember that family? chat we had a couple of months ago.

The one where we decided to build a bedroom for my old dolls?

No, the one where your father and I told you you were about to be a big sister.

Doesn't ring a bell.

The new bedroom is for the baby.

Great, so where are my dolls supposed to go? The streets?

Thanks a lot, stepmom.

I was just thinking about our earlier conversation.

About how tuna salad is a government conspiracy but it's too delicious to

reveal? No.

About the existence of aliens?

Of course. Never mind what I said about tuna.

So you've finally seen the light about aliens.

Nice to have you on board.

I'm not boarding anything.

I'm writing an article on how students feel about aliens.

You're the only one I know who really believes.

Good. Then there won't be a big line to fly the ship when they get here tomorrow

night.

How do you know they're coming tomorrow?

only opens up once every seven years, and for only six minutes. It opens

tomorrow. How would you know this?

Common knowledge.

Tomorrow night, I'll be up on the roof waiting. If you want to witness

interplanetary history, you're welcome to join me.

Bring tuna sandwiches.

Okay,

the book's back.

I had a couple of tedious chocolates, but hopefully she doesn't notice.

Trust me, she'll notice.

My first date with a model.

I'm so excited. We don't have dates yet, and we won't if you keep acting like

this. Remember, these are auditions. We'll meet all the girls and then decide

who to ask out.

But what if I want to ask them all out?

We can't get greedy, okay?

If these girls find out that this is a scam to get dates, we're in big trouble.

Good point, good point. All right, here's what we'll do.

We'll meet with the girls, and then we'll take their headshots and put them

two -pile.

The nos and the yes.

And then we'll each pick a date from the yes.

We have to be strict, use common sense, and be classy. Frankly, these girls are

way out of our league.

What makes you think that?

Smell my breath.

Dude.

Thanks for coming by. This is the most fun I've had on a go -see ever.

Go -see? I thought your name was pronounced Josie.

It is. This is a go -see. And that was a joke -see.

We'll be in touch.

All right, that's two more yeses.

We have...

46 girls and only one no.

That's no good.

You're right.

Okay,

now we have to decide on two.

You're right. But how?

With these, our discretion, our judgment, and our expertise.

Top of the pile? Top of the pile.

So we tell them their book for the shoot, right? No.

That would be shady.

We tell them that they didn't get the job, but we want to take them out on

to make them feel better. And blame the decision on DJ.

Obviously.

All right, I'm going to try to catch Brooke and Josie downstairs and tell

to meet us at the blurb at 6. All right, great.

We got to keep our options open.

Oh,

I think my hand stinks.

I have terrible news.

I know.

Somebody ate two of my chocolates.

Enough chocolate chatter. This is about my stepmom.

She's pregnant.

That's wonderful.

Wonderful? Please. This is terrible.

This is just stepmom being selfish, not thinking about anyone else but herself.

Amanda, you can't expect your family to only do what you want.

Why not? It's been working great so far.

I understand a new baby is a bit of a surprise, but you're going to have to

figure out a way to make things work. Now, I have to hurry up before I'm late

for the gym.

Hi, real mommy.

Guess what?

I'm coming to live with you.

The planets are in perfect alignment for an alien landing.

This is what I love about the first day of spring.

Today isn't the first day of spring.

Not here, no. But we're talking about... Aliens, Rebecca.

You have to use a T -Nerbian calendar. You're really going to have to get your

head in the game. Of course. My mistakes.

Did you hear that? They're coming. They're early.

They must have taken the shortcut around Alpha Centauri.

Textbook T -Nerbian move.

That seems like the best explanation.

Take me.

Please. Would you relax?

It's just a helicopter.

So it is. Bye.

How do we know what kind of creature's flying?

It's a human!

He's waving at us!

I'm sorry, Wilder.

Looks like no aliens for you.

Good news.

I talked with Brooke and Josie, and they like us too.

We're all set for tonight.

I've got even better news. I called Lily and Rachel and got us later dates

against the first you don't work out.

Later? Like when?

Eight o 'clock.

Oh, no.

Brooke and Josie couldn't make six. They're coming at eight.

Oh, no. What were you thinking?

Me? Yeah. Why didn't you set the other dates for tomorrow night?

I have a spa treatment tomorrow.

I need a little me time, okay?

I've been very stressed out with all these fake auditions.

If we mess up, feelings will be hurt.

We need to do what's right for the sake of the girls.

Double, double date? Double, double date.

Boys, assistant, I don't want to be homeless.

Not my fault. It's debt mom's fault. She's the one that decided to have a

Sweetie, can we talk?

Won't some baby get in the way?

Your mom called today.

She said that you want to move in with her.

With the real mom, I'm still the baby.

We explained this to you before, honey. Just because a new baby's on the way

doesn't mean we're going to love you any less.

How do you know? What if everyone likes the baby more than me?

I know it's ridiculous, but still.

Amanda, no one is going to choose either of you as the favorite, okay?

I want people to choose.

Me, I was here first. Tell that baby to get in line.

Okay.

Well, maybe we'll just wait for your father to come home and we can sit down

we'll all talk.

I don't want to wait. You might have more babies by that time.

All set?

All set.

Josie and Brooke should be here any second. Okay, Lily and Rachel will text

when they get to the blurb.

We should have some sort of signal for when it's time to switch dates.

How about coo -coo?

I was hoping for something a little more subtle.

Hey, guys.

Josie! Hi!

Brooke, nice to meet you.

Earlier when we met, it was nice.

Wow, the place looks great.

Well, we wanted to take a place of rejection, thanks to that DJ woman, and

it into a triumph.

Triumph. Somebody's hopeful.

Oh, we are so excited.

This will be a glorious evening.

Oh, yeah.

Gotta go.

Already?

We gotta pick up dinner for our two favorite ladies.

You know, for a crockpot, you should get awfully pouty.

I just can't believe it wasn't an alien.

Really? Isn't it way more likely that it would be a human?

To you, non -believer.

I could have seen a helicopter anywhere.

It's the second most popular flying vehicle.

It was two hours ago.

It's time to accept it.

I was this close to getting proof.

Or at least someone else who believed.

You never thought it was a UFO?

Wilder, UFOs don't exist.

I'm sorry, but I have to go.

You don't believe me.

This is the story of my life. Everyone always walks away with no respect for my

beliefs. This is just like the time I discovered that new species of horse.

You didn't discover a species.

You found a picture where Michael cut and pasted celebrity faces onto unicorn

bodies. Sure, that one was Michael's. But how do we know it wasn't based on

reality? Maybe on another planet, there's such a thing as George

Fine, I'll stay, but I still have homework to do.

Don't worry. Once they arrive, they can fly you home on their ship. It'll be

quick. They have a light -speed engine and a ten -slice toaster.

You gotta go?

Real subtle.

Why don't you just run on screaming? We're on multiple dates.

We didn't come up with a hand signal.

Cool, cool.

Why don't we just rub our forearm?

Works for me.

Apologies for the delay, ladies.

It's cool. We just got here like a minute ago.

All right.

What are you listening to? Kelly Clarkson. I just can't get enough of

Finally, a girl with good taste.

Have you ever wondered what Ms. Clarkson would look like as a unicorn?

Only all the time.

So what kind of music are you into?

I don't really care about music.

You don't really care about music.

Do you also not care about oxygen?

It's just that the whole music fan thing is pretty lame.

Lame? I knew I should have read their bios.

The only problem is that...

She probably won't sing as well with all the neighing.

I hate to interrupt this discussion on mythical pop sensations, but I think

time we check on that thing.

You need something for the rash in your arm?

No!

The thing from before, remember?

We were driving with my dad, and he went to signal, but the other guy didn't see

his signal.

No, that guy sounds pretty oblivious.

I agree.

Let's go tell him right now, in person.

We should also bring him some food.

Okay, I'm coming.

This magical woman on a timeout.

Well, mine's cute.

How's yours?

Meh.

Amanda, I was hoping the baby would bring us closer as a family.

That's the thing about babies.

You never quite do what you want them to.

But there is so many great things for a big sister to do.

You get to help them put on their first outfit.

Give them their first pedicure?

Prank call daddy's assistant?

You get to teach them the difference between modern chic and so last week.

I guess this could be fun, but only if it's a girl. Have one of those.

Well, it could end up being a boy.

I guess I could deal.

Boys need pedicures even more.

You're telling me. I see your father's feet every day.

Ew, gross.

Oh, BTW, if you're going to get a call from a diet spa, just ignore it.

And that's why you never use the outhouse that night in bear country.

That's the funniest story ever.

Oops, I dropped my fork.

Noah, we better head down to the blurb and get another one.

Use mine.

No one I can share.

Unfortunately, I'm on a new diet that requires a special fork.

Why do both of you have to go?

Uh, it's a really heavy fork.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Lily just buzzed me a blurb about being bummed, so we gotta buzz out of the buzz

and kick these girls to the curb and get to the blurb.

The data isn't even 30 minutes old, and they've already left us twice.

Let's go.

That's cool.

You said the guy made pigeon noises.

A morning dove, actually.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, we were blurbing a buzzer.

Fuzzing a bird or something.

Ten seconds to contact in ten, nine... Wowzer, don't get your hopes up.

Eight, seven, six, five...

Maybe there's construction on the Alpha Centauri overpass?

Four, three, two, one.

I'm sorry, Wilder.

Don't feel bad for me. I got all the proof I need.

What proof?

Nothing happened.

You looked up.

That proves that you believe.

Wilder, I don't believe in aliens.

I was just looking up to see what you were looking for. Exactly.

I... I was looking for aliens.

But I wasn't. I just... Don't.

Let me have this one small victory, please.

I feel little.

You looked up?

I did, didn't I?

You know, the more I think about it, the more that helicopter pilot looked like

an alien in disguise.

Woo!

The great thing about Kelly is that she's every bit as sweet as her voice.

It's so cool you've talked to her.

As long as you know that, he'll try to mention that in every story for the rest

of his life.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we have something to take care of upstairs.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm having fun.

This night couldn't be going any better.

Is that right?

So this is why you kept leaving our date?

Josie, guess what?

There's no way I'm going to talk my way out of this, is there?

Dump them on it.

We deserve it.

Don't worry. The only things getting dumped here are you two. I can't believe

actually thought you were boyfriend material.

Phew, I'm glad they're gone. So, uh, where were we?

We were just leaving.

Good luck with your rash.

I really liked you.

Kelly Clarkson should be ashamed to have you as a fan.

I guess this is what happens when we try to meet girls using stolen headshots

and deception.

There's only one thing we can do.

Next two on the pile? Next two on the pile.

I can't believe those girls ratted us out to every model in the book. Well, at

least we still have a Charlotte Thurney sea girl.

What? They posted us at school?

What are these girls, supervillains? We're lucky we found it before anybody

saw it.

This is a great shot.