Original subtitles

Tonight's episode of Pizza Patrol.

You don't know Jaxie.

I'd give anything to have Jaxie as my girlfriend.

You know how I know you don't have a chance with Jaxie?

Because she only dates guys who are tall enough to ride roller coasters.

You know how I know you don't have a chance with Jaxie? Because she doesn't

guys whose bedtime is 8 o 'clock.

You know how I know you don't have a chance with Jaxie?

Because she'd get sick of cutting your food at supper.

You know how I know you don't have a chance with Jaxie? Because you only want

hold hands when you're crossing the street.

You want to get a smoothie? Sure.

You know how I know you don't have a chance with Jaxie?

Because you think hitting the elevator button a billion times will make it come

faster. You know how I know you don't have a chance with Jaxie?

Because you think it doesn't.

Good one.

I can't wait to get out and hang out with my friends, find out what's new,

practicing on who, and who's that girl with shoes. It's a whole...

And I'm telling you, Wilder, dogs will never be allowed to vote.

I'm not saying all dogs, just the grown -up ones.

Guess who got their first cell phone?

You and about a thousand seventh graders.

Yes, the lineup was huge.

The Turtle Sonic 80, my Wednesday phone.

Sleek lines, cool colors, mostly good for taking pictures of my other phones.

Doesn't go with formal wear, though. I'm still living that down.

We all are.

I got it because it has a thousand different ringtones.

Ah! Then why'd you pick that one? Make it stop!

I will, when I figure out how to answer it.

What would it mean to miss my first call?

My guess?

Nothing.

You don't know that. This could be a major news tip.

Hello?

A 20 -minute survey on loose change?

I guess so.

Why shouldn't dogs have the same rights as us? You shouldn't be allowed to vote

if you're afraid of a vacuum.

What would you

say if I told you my closest childhood friend was in town?

To your face?

Ignore him. I think it's great. Michael and I know all about being childhood

friends. Don't we, Michael?

This friend of yours.

How long is she staying?

And is she rich?

Three days. And yes.

Oh, I wish I had a childhood friend like that.

Hey, I'm standing right here.

Three days with Caitlin is so what I need. We have so much to catch up on.

First up, we're going to take a spiritual journey. A journey you can

with your true BFF.

Let me guess.

You're going to the mall?

Rebecca and Michael. I'm so happy to meet you.

You ready to shop till you drop? Oh, I'm going to shop, but you're the one

that's going to drop.

Please. Who dropped last time?

What just happened?

I think that's how rich people trash talk.

You'd think it'd be tough to talk trash if you've never carried it to the curb.

I'd invite you guys along, but you can't afford where we're going.

Just kidding.

Can't afford where we're going. I get it. It's funny because it's true.

We have to win the Blurbs Pizza Patrol trivia contest. The first prize is a

complete series on DVD.

I know.

We'll buy the complete series of Pizza Patrol on DVD and watch them over and

over. Then we'll win the Pizza Patrol DVDs for sure.

It's just too bad we need three people on a team.

On what team?

You wouldn't be interested.

I suppose you're right.

The blurb's hosting a pizza patrol trivia contest, and we need a third

Our backs are really against the wall on this one.

Kind of like the episode where Heather was backed into an alley and her secret

weapon was pepperoni?

Yeah, exactly like... What?

How do you know that?

I thought it was common knowledge.

Ha! Looks like we found our third!

Can our team name be Michael Davies and the Technicolor Dream Team?

We don't have to decide today.

Hi, I can't see your call right now.

We bought a store.

That wasn't me. I'm probably studying.

Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

As soon as I figure out how to retrieve voicemail.

Cherish these moments, Rebecca.

A girl never forgets her first phone.

Please tell me you got rid of that annoying ringtone.

Yep, I replaced it with Nelly Furtado's Say It Right.

Somebody's ringtone deaf?

Okay, still working on it. I'm going to go freshen up. I think I broke a sweat

shopping.

That will give you two a chance to get to know each other.

Hello?

I'm a valued customer?

I just got my phone and I'm already a valued customer.

Well, I wasn't planning on upgrading, but since you value me so much, sure.

First cell phone, huh? Now there are two places where boys won't call you.

Excuse me?

Oh, don't worry.

I'm sure being unpopular with the boys gives you more time to study.

Just kidding.

Looks like you two are getting along famously.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Pizza Patrol

for

pea brains, huh?

They could have left off the pea brain, Spartan. Phil had the exact same

readers.

So why are you reading it?

I mentioned the one fact I know about Pete's patrol to Nolan Wilder, and they

hoisted me over their shoulders.

Fine. We made a hand pile. But they had shoulder hoists in their eyes.

I'm going to read just enough to fit in with them.

Aren't you overcomplicating this?

Overcomplication is the cornerstone to every friendship.

I thought it was honesty.

Now who's overcomplicating things?

Think fast, Pizza Patrol trivia fan.

Pizza for three.

Yeah, because there's three of us.

Yeah, it's funnier when you have to explain it.

I like pizza for three. It reminds me of the episode where Jaxie teams up with

the Green Olive Gang.

Good. Who's the gang's leader?

Oh, uh, that's easy.

Ow! I bumped my funny bone.

No, you didn't.

Before you got here. I'm just feeling it now.

Sabrina Olive Dane was led by Oliver Olivier.

You really do care about the show.

Yeah, clearly more than you care about Rebecca's bunny bone.

Any way you slice it, any way you slice it, we're the Pizza Patrol.

I can't get this song out of my head. Michael, I didn't know you were a Pizza

Patrol fan.

No one's more surprised than me.

Then as a fan, you must be aware that yours truly was captain of last year's

winning team.

You must be very proud, sir.

Well, not as proud as when they asked me to host this year's competition.

So dreams do come true.

They certainly do.

Gus! Caitlin!

I guess you're looking for Amanda.

I was looking for you, actually.

Really? Feel the urge to treat a new best friend to some fabulous gifts?

Uh, not exactly.

Amanda doesn't need you as a friend anymore. She has me.

So, stay away.

I like my idea much better.

That Caitlyn's pretty cute.

Totally. I hear she's sitting in on Mr. Shepard's class today.

That means today's subject is how to get a date with the wild man.

What? You know how I know you don't have a chance with Caitlyn?

Because she's not a video game character.

You know how I know you don't have a chance with Caitlyn?

Because you don't wash your smelly concert t -shirts.

You know how I know you don't have a chance with Caitlyn?

Because your breath smells like my sister's guinea pig.

You know how I know you don't have a chance with Caitlyn?

Because your breath smells like your sister's guinea pig.

You know how I know you don't have a chance with Caitlyn? Because you can't

up with your own insults and you said what I just said.

You know how I know you don't have a chance with me?

Because I'm me and you're you.

Just kidding.

Hey, Caitlin.

Oh, hey, Mandy Fandy. I'm just hanging out with Noah and Wilder.

You know how I know you don't have to... Dude, it's over.

Has anyone seen Amanda around?

Not since Caitlin made fun of my feet.

Has she even seen a three -toed sloth?

Yeah, she's super.

Can't stand her either, huh? No.

like everybody i've never been so bullied so often so quickly in my life

i tell you how she asked how your skinny neck could possibly hold up your big

head actually i was gonna say called me a bad dresser oh so the skinny neck not

talking about it i remember when i was in third grade this kid called me names

pushed me stole all my fruit leathers meeting caitlin makes me long for the

old days i know Like she's a superhero, but her power is meanness.

Actually, those are called villains.

Wow, her power is spreading.

We have to do something.

Here's what we do.

Nothing. Oh, that's perfect.

Wait, what?

Oh, your plan is weak.

Let's just put up with her for Amanda's sake.

I think I can stand her for one more day. As long as she doesn't say anything

else about my head -to -neck ratio.

Caitlin talks over with her family and she's transferring here.

That means we'll have a chance to get to know her even better.

There are people all

over the world she can pick on.

Why does Caitlin want to come to school here?

Maybe she treated the kids at her old school even worse.

Wow. They must be afraid to leave the house.

One of us has to tell Amanda. I tell her if Caitlin didn't terrify me to the

very core of my being.

So, good luck with that.

Don't look at me.

There's no way I can be tactful.

I'm taking Michael and Noah's excuses and combining them to make one super

excuse.

So that's a no from me. Guess it's up to you, R.

What? Why does it have to be me? Because everyone knows that you're the subtle

one. That, and you don't know how to say no.

That's why I'm not the subtle one, right?

I can, too, say no.

Hello?

The student council wants me to dress like a chicken for a basketball game?

Well, you tell them that I said that they have to supply the chicken suit.

Fine. I'll supply the chicken suit.

I'll talk to Amanda.

So, guys, I was thinking after the contest, we could go see a movie. The

of Music is playing as a Tivoli.

Or we could see Pizza Patrol the movie.

It's better than Surround Sound.

Pizza Patrol 5.

Oh, that's my man.

Yep, that's me.

I live for Pizza Patrol.

What's going on with you, dude? It's like I don't even know you.

Which is probably why you like me.

Hey.

Where's Caitlin?

She's getting her class schedule.

So she isn't going to show up unexpectedly?

No jumping out of a locker or swooping down in the form of a bat?

What's with you? It sounds like you're scared of her.

No, that's Michael.

The rest of us are annoyed, insulted, and, yeah, scared. Come to think of it.

What? By Caitlin?

Yes. The truth is, she's picked on all of us. She's kidding around.

The rich have a very sophisticated sense of humor.

This morning she called me a dodo head.

Sophisticated stuff.

Look, I'll talk to Caitlin.

I'm sure it's all a simple misunderstanding.

You better not have been talking about me, lizard lips. J .K. Caitlin.

There you are. I've been waiting for you. I was registering for my new

but there was this other kid that was in front of me, and he was taking forever.

So I was finally like... Does it really matter what classes you fail?

Just pick one already.

I'm sure I should mention this, but Rebecca said something about you being a

mean to everyone.

You're right. You shouldn't have mentioned it.

You know I'm always just kidding. Like that time I told you capri pants were

back in style?

Boy, did people laugh at you that day. That's because you lent me a pair with a

hole in the seat.

But it was an accident, right?

Obvious. Look, your friend Rebecca is just jealous.

You don't see me bad -mouthing her, do you?

No. So it's fine.

Let's shake this off with a little shopping spree. But the guys have a

contest today. The nerdlingers who hate me for no reason?

Nice friend you are.

Let's examine our options. Go shopping or watch geeks answer questions about

pizza?

Shopping it is?

Only two teams remain standing.

The Topping Brothers and Pizza for three.

And now it's time for our special delivery question.

Thank you.

Now, hands on buzzers, and here we go.

When Jaxi was locked out of Doc Saucula's underground lair, what was

create a passageway? Mushrooms. More specific, please.

Hand mushroom. That is correct.

Next question.

On the episode A Very Deep Dish Christmas, who visits Heather?

The Ghost of Topping Spice. Correct again.

Who eats thin pizza crust? I'm afraid that's the wrong answer.

Goat cheese. That's the right answer.

Salami. You got another one right.

Our pizza can't be pizza. That's correct.

Sliced tomatoes. Correct answer.

Ivan's double crust.

Correct again.

Rolled up the pizza to make a telescope.

That is correct.

Pizza for three is ahead by ten points, which means you only have to answer one

final question to be declared the winners.

Now, you must select one player from your team to answer that question.

Who's it going to be?

It's all yours, Michael.

Hello, Michael. I'd like to order one victory for delivery, please.

Guys, I'm a little pizza'd out. Okay, Michael.

Here we go.

On the premiere of season four, Jacksy gets out of... Season four? What season

four?

Season four this season. Come on, man. Friday's at eight.

How can there be a season four? Or even a season three for that matter? While

we're at it, how did it ever get past the first commercial break on episode

Why on earth would there be four seasons of a show where every week Jackson gets

out of a jam by throwing hot peppers at the bad guys?

That is correct!

Pizza for three wins!

Who cares?

I had to sit through a two -parter where Heather got her foot stuck in some

extra cheese.

I want that time back. I want it...

This is Andrew Shepard saying keep your dreams cheesy and your hopes saucy.

Good evening, everyone.

Michael, what happened? He won the contest and freaked out. Where were you?

I don't want to talk about it. I just need some alone time.

Cool.

I just liked hanging with you guys.

But this contest, I finally felt like we had something in common.

But you hate Pizza Patrol.

Hate is a strong word.

I just thought it was a little too predictable.

I'm sorry if I ruined it for you.

Are you kidding me?

I used to get nervous during every episode. But thanks to you, I know that

whatever trouble Heather and Jaxie get into, they're going to be okay.

You didn't know that already?

Nobody did.

Michael blew the lid off on this show.

Look, Michael.

Just because there are some things that we like that you don't, doesn't mean we

don't like you.

It doesn't? Of course not.

You're a bud.

A bud you don't even know.

So the sound of music, what time does it start?

In 20 minutes. And if we hurry, we can get there in time to get front row

The music and the sound of music, it wouldn't happen to be rock.

No, it's way better than that.

Let's do it.

Hey. Any chance I can get a shoulder hoist? I don't see why not.

How'd the contest go?

The guys won, but Michael had a major pizza patrol meltdown. He's pretty

embarrassed about it.

We should find Michael to cheer him up.

I know. Let's bring him to the country club. Great idea. I'd love to.

Oh, but the club has a strict no losers policy.

Is... Is that an example of one of your jokes?

Of course it is. Michael can come.

He can scrape gum from underneath the table.

I'm just kidding.

For your information?

No, Rebecca.

Let me.

That's not much of a joke, Caitlin. It's actually just mean.

Come on, Mandy Pandy.

What happened to your LOL?

It's tough to L when your JKs aren't funny.

What happened to you?

I was the old Amanda We're Here.

I don't.

I have a feeling she was into bullying too.

You know what?

I am so out of here.

I'm going back to my old school.

These people, this place, it's changed you.

But how could it not?

Hanging out with pushovers like her.

No. Rebecca's the one who told me the truth about you in the first place.

I'm glad I'm part of this place. If it wasn't for Buzz...

I might be just like you.

Look, it doesn't matter what favor you want or what you're selling.

Fabrica is my friend, and from now on, leave her alone. Got it?

Oh.

I see.

Very well, then.

Sure, if Baba says he can make some new friends.

This is one time that Baba's wrong.

Hi, Papa.

Filming of Pizza Patrol was interrupted yesterday when a boy ran through the set

screaming, what's wrong with you people?

Here's an artist's rendering of the suspect.

That doesn't even look like me.

Sorry to break it to you, Michael, but it kind of does.

The artist really captured your sense of outrage.

The way your neck crinkles up when you're excited.

Not to mention the way your nostrils flare up.

And your super intense eyes.

Almost hypnotic.

Anyone for smoothies? Sure, let's go.