All language subtitles for mad_love_s01e12_friends

There comes a time in every relationship
when you realize the person you're with

isn't perfect.

Personally, I like to bail long before
that happens, but that's just me.

If someone were to get a very successful
lawyer such as yourself a cake to

celebrate his 30th consecutive victory,
what kind of cake would you want that to

be? Chocolate? Red velvet?

I don't need a cake, Kate, all right?
First of all, a 30 -0 is not that big a

deal. Second, I haven't won the case
yet. And third, red velvet.

It's not gay cocky here, Ben, all right?
Need I remind you of a certain

Zenyatta? Zenyatta?

Zenyatta was a horse.

A dark chocolate mare with the same I
-can't -be -beaten attitude as our own

chocolate mare here.

Until one day, she was beaten and she
promptly retired.

Do you know what they do to a horse when
she retires?

They grind up her bones and turn her
into Jell -O, the basis for my favorite

dessert, shot, and type of wrestling.

Here comes Connie. She just had her book
picked, so this couldn't be her first

sale. Or her fixed rejection, so
everybody just be cool. Everybody, I

Larry.

Do I look different?

Sadly, no.

Do I look like a published author?

Oh, nice one, Kate.

Burn.

They loved her idea.

It's a fairy tale set in New York.

Okay, when do we get to celebrate?

It's not a done deal. I still have to
pitch to the editor.

What's it about? I love fairy tales.

I mean, what was it about?

It's a story about a lonely little girl
who goes to Central Park every day to

kiss frogs and hopes that one of them
might turn into a prince.

Seems like a disease risk.

Anyway, on her way to making out with
frogs every day, she passes this little

boy who's planting magic beans.

She makes fun of him. Well, when spring
finally comes, she realizes that he

wasn't planting magic beans at all. He
was planting a beautiful garden for her.

And the little boy and the little girl
fall in love.

Gee, that's depressing.

Girl never finds a prince and she ends
up settling for a dude who works for the

city?

It's a modern fairy tale. It's a fairy
tale that could really happen.

Who wants to hear a fairy tale that
could really happen? I mean, that's what

makes fairy tales fun.

They can't happen.

God, I'm glad you didn't write
Cinderella. She'd still be dead.

Cinderella doesn't die.

Yeah, I don't really know that one.

Fairy tales can happen. Look at me and
my Bernie. I was like Cinderella, and so

my prince came and rescued me from a
hooters in Sarasota.

Anyway, when I was pitching to the
assistant editor, I showed her real

from Central Park, and she really loved
them. The only problem was that we had

to get really close in order to see the
tiny screen on my camera, and my cheek

brushed up against her mole, which was
much harder and cooler to the touch than

I anticipated.

You know, you can transfer the photos to
your computer.

Honey's kind of a technophobe. I can
actually help you out with that. I'm a

of a computer whiz.

I don't want to brag, but my hard drive
is huge.

Have you seen it? Tell her.

It's like four terabytes.

Seriously, I can print those photos off
and have that camera back to you

tonight. And as an added bonus, I'll
take some tasteful nudes of myself.

Fine, they won't be tasteful.

Do you promise that you'll just print
out the pictures and you won't do

gross to or near my camera?

Relax, Connie. Nothing is going to
happen to your precious camera.

You lost it? No, I didn't lose it.

Then where is it?

It's at my apartment.

Then let's go get it.

I lost it.

Madly.

Oh, you have to leave already?

Is there any chance that you could just
wear this robe all the time?

I like that idea.

Lying on the couch all day, watching
soap operas, eating nachos, don't have

wear makeup or deodorant.

That got less sexy real quick.

So you're ready for your big day, Mr. 30
and 0?

Oh, yes.

I know this case inside and out. I got
plenty of sleep.

I've got my lucky underwear.

You think I need a coat?

Uh, probably not. It's gonna be 58
degrees with a light wind from the east

low barometric pressure.

Somebody's been using that shower radio
I bought her.

I love that thing.

Just wish it wasn't so hard to wash
with.

Yeah.

Huh?

Oh, you know, you gotta lift it up to
wash your chest, and then the ropes,

things all get twirled up.

Uh, wait, um, you're not...

You know you're

not supposed to actually wear it, right?

Oh, yeah. Okay, Ben, then what's the
rope for?

To hang on the shower head.

Yeah, but if you don't have...

Oh, my God.

Ben.

I'm sorry.

I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing
with... No, I'm laughing at you.

I can't believe I have to pitch my story
at 5 o 'clock and Larry lost my camera.

I can't believe you trusted Larry with
your camera. That's helpful.

He's gonna find it. How many places
could it possibly be?

Oh, jeez. Um, a buffet restaurant, a
strip club, buffet line at a strip club.

Oh, yeah, laugh if you will, but the
fried zucchini sticks at Flash Pants are

the real deal.

Oh, they are.

It's on my way home.

I have to apologize. I've called
everywhere, and the camera's gone.

I feel like it's partly my fault.

You know what we're gonna do?

We are going to go to every single place
that you went to yesterday and ask them

in person because I don't trust you on
the phone. I heard the way you talked to

that census taker. She asked me like
seven very personal questions.

You know what? But fine. If you would
like to experience firsthand a day in

life of the great Larry Munch, I will
allow it.

I just want my camera.

Very well. But if we are going to do
this, you will require one rain slicker,

one universal remote, your organ donor
card.

You are aware of your blood type, yes?

Gum, gum, gum, gum, gum.

Am I in a spearmint or more of a winter
green mood?

Surprise me.

Spearmint's good.

I like that necklace.

Thank you.

It's no shower radio, of course, but...
Um, sorry, what was that?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

It's a buck ten.

Did Ben tell you about my shower radio
thing?

Of course not.

It was Daryl, the elevator boy.

Hey.

What's up?

Something good?

I'm getting to know your body language
pretty well. I feel like it's something

good.

Why would you tell the whole building
about my shower radio thing? Oh, that's

what this is about? No, okay, first of
all, I did not tell the whole building,

okay? Maybe one guy, maybe two. I told a
lot of people.

Why did you embarrass me like that?
What?

Oh, God, no, I didn't mean to. I just
thought it was a funny little quirk of

yours. I mean, we all have quirks,
right? I'm sure I have quirks that you

are funny. That's not the point, Ben.

No, you know what? No, no, no, please,
go ahead. Come on, tell me. I can take

it. You'll feel better.

No, I don't want to... Okay, fine,
here's one. You use awkward pauses when

talk. I do do that.

Okay, great. Go tell everybody. Then
we'll be even.

And you insist on using the word...
Process instead of process. My grandma

British.

And you own not one, but two Steely Dan
albums.

I'm not sure why you had to drag Steely
Dan into this, but I'm glad we had a

chance. Oh, and what if I told everybody
that your lucky underwear wasn't

really... Okay, Kate, that's enough.

Oh, so you wouldn't really like it if I
had told people that?

No, I'd be fine with that.

Great. Okay, then I'm just going to go
tell a bunch of people.

Please, tell a bunch. Yeah, perfect. Do
that. I'll just be in here, you know,

psyching myself up for the trial while
listening to some Steely Dan.

Oh, well, in that case, I will close the
door. Good, because it's about to get

real jazzy in here.

Unbelievable. My pitch has been three
hours, and so far we've been to a toy

store, the Bronx Zoo, another toy store,
and now an arcade. What's next, a candy

store?

No, I distinctly remember having your
camera when I left the candy store.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Do you know if anyone left
the camera here yesterday?

No. No, no one left the camera here, or
no, you don't know if anyone left the

camera here?

I don't know.

You don't know if it's no, no one left
the camera here, or you don't know if

don't know if anyone left the camera
here?

It's a camera. It's black. It has a lens
and a button you push to take a picture

with. Oh, yeah, yeah, we have that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, good. You're relaxing. Or at least,
you know, your version of relaxing.

Sorry, this is just a big day for me.

How do I explain this to you in terms
you'd understand?

Ah, what if you were going to lose your
chance to go to a porn expo?

National or international.

I get it, I get it. It's a big day for
you, all right? Big, big deal for you

your dumb book.

But everything's fine, all right? Which
allows me the opportunity to introduce

you to Section B, Article 7 of the Larry
Munch philosophy.

Let me guess, no fat chicks?

Oh, God, no. I accept all willing
participants.

I am speaking of never leaving an arcade
without playing a game of skee -ball.

I'm not playing skee -ball.

Then this journey has been for naught.

Fine. Give me some balls.

Oh, I got to drink first, would you?

Hold out your hand.

Cup the ball.

Feel the ball's mass.

Its weight.

Gently caress it. You know, I don't want
this one anymore.

The fact is, Your Honor, if you review
the documents of the 23rd, none of the

clauses in question had yet been
inserted into the contract.

Mr. Parr?

Mr. Parr!

Mr. Parr, is everything okay?

Uh, yeah, yes, yes. Yes, I was just, uh,
getting my briefs in order. My

documents. My documents in order.

Yes! That just happened!

How do you keep doing that? Well, Larry,
you have to hold the ball.

Feel the weight of it in your hand. It's
mass.

I know how to do it, Connie.

Oh, thank God.

Seriously, you are a lifesaver.

You've made my... This isn't my camera.

You sure?

Unless you took a picture of a Great
Dane and a bong and... Oh, my God,

definitely not my camera.

Oh, Japanese businessmen throw the
craziest parties.

Larry. No, no, hang on, hang on.

Each one is more awesome than the last.

such a joke for you all i asked you to
do was print out my pictures instead you

lose my camera and i get to spend the
entire day following you around

to the patented larry munch this and
larry munch that you know what i

all you care about is larry munch

you so much for bringing my folder
tiffany i couldn't do my pitch without

i don't feel like you have to stay i
don't mind well i'm trying to put this

presentation together so i really don't
have time to talk wow do i have a story

for you okay ben told everyone in the
building that i wear the shower radio

around my neck wait you wear the radio i
think it's supposed to go around the

shower i know where it's supposed to go

Take yourself so seriously.

Like, that's how we went to the comedy
club, and you maced the comedian.

She said I have freakishly long arms.

You do have freakishly long arms.

Oh, you're so lucky I don't have my mace
on me.

I showed Bernie's back every Thursday.

Okay.

No, see, one time Bernie caught me
telling my friend, and I felt terrible,

he didn't get mad because he knows his
fuzzy back is one of the things I love

about him.

Also, we have a very satisfying sex
life.

Ben totally wasn't trying to embarrass
me. He just told everybody because he

loves me and I'm adorable.

Oh, no.

What? What did you do?

I might have threatened to tell
everybody this really embarrassing

about him. That is so mean and spiteful.

What was the secret?

I could tell that it was making him
really, really nervous, but of course I

would never actually tell anyone, but he
doesn't know that, and now he's in

court and I have to go talk to him. But
wait, like, what's the secret?

In my car, I give you a ride. Oh, thank
you, too. You can tell me Ben's secret

on the way.

Oh, oh, hey.

Hello, ladies.

Especially Tiffany.

Not now, Larry. Hello.

Hi. Hello.

What do you want, or did you think of
another way to ruin my career?

No, Connie, I feel bad, okay? In fact, I
feel so bad, I'm not even going to say

what career.

I'm just going to shut my big old mouth
and give you this camera.

Did you steal it?

I bought it. I know it doesn't rescue
your book pitch, but it's the least I

could do. And as far as those fairy tale
pictures go, I think I did a pretty

good job of replicating them.

These are pictures of Best Buy.

It's a magical place.

Well, thank you. That was really nice of
you.

You're welcome.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Really?

No, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's great.
Okay.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Thank you.

Found your camera.

Oh, Larry.

Oh, let's go get it. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no. You stay here. I'll go get it

and bring it back. No, no, no, no, no. I
want to go with you. Oh, my gosh.

If you were anyone else, I could kiss
you.

If you were anyone else, I'd let you.

Hey, Pete.

Can I talk in here? Yes.

We're on a recess. We can talk.

I just wanted to come apologize.

No, I'm the one that should apologize. I
had no business telling anybody about

the shower radio, even though it did
bring lots of joy into many, many

lives.

It's not even that. I think I just was
upset that you finally found out that

less than perfect.

I've known that for a while. I mean,
look at your freakishly long arms.

I have got to start carrying mace again.

Anyway. For what it's worth, I did not
tell anyone that you were pink tighty

-whities under your seat.

There are no pink tighty -whities.
That's... She's drunk.

Look, Kate, if I could make it up to
you, I would shout from the roof of this

courthouse every weird thing about me.
But not the pink tighty -whities.

There are no pink tighty -whities.

Okay, this is it.

I'll be right back. You'll be right
back? What do you mean? I'm going with

No, no, no.

You just stay in the car and relax. I
don't want you getting all riled up

you pitch.

Because I really care about you.

What the hell's the matter with you?

I just don't want you to come up with
me.

Oh, I'm glad you said that. Because now
I'm totally coming up with you. Come on.

Could you just not?

I've seen a lot of stuff today. I don't
know what could be in there that is more

embarrassing than you going totally nuts
at the snow cone machine.

You don't understand. They never have
root beer.

What are you hiding in here?

Is this where you buy your marijuana?

No. No.

Would you be quiet and just try not to
be weird when you see what you're going

to see?

Yo.

Jakey, my man, what's up? Come on, bring
it in. Come on.

Where's your mom?

Getting ready for work.

You have a kid?

Who's she?

Connie. I'm a friend of your dad's.

My dad is dead.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Nice. Nailed it. I taught him that. Bam!

So your dad's alive?

Yeah, but he's in prison.

Oh, no.

Didn't even teach him that one. Nailed
it again. Two for two, buddy.

Good job. Go get your mom, would you?

So where's his dad?

He is a deadbeat, lives in Jersey,
doesn't visit.

So all those kids' places you dragged me
to today, you don't really go there by

yourself? Of course I do. All the time.
Just yesterday, I happened to be with

Jake.

I don't understand you.

Just calm down, would you? I dated the
kid's mom. He got attached.

End of story.

All right.

Hey, Larry. I don't know how to find it
up in Jake's backpack. I'm so sorry.

Thank you so much.

Say goodbye and go finish your homework.
Goodbye. Go finish your homework.

Gotta get ready for work. I'll see you
next Friday? Yeah, absolutely.

Nice to meet you. You too.

Oh,

I know. I'm handsome.

Don't you have a stupid book thing you
gotta get to?

Hey,

so if you

had to guess... Who do you think would
be better at skee -ball? Me?

Connie.

How did you know that?

Because Connie's better at skee -ball
than anyone. Damn it, I was hustled.

Hey, it's you.

You won.

Any other guesses?

You super won.

I lost.

What? You lost?

You know what? Who cares what that
stupid judge thinks anyway?

Well, my client kind of cared a little.

But, um, you know what? You can't win
them all. So who won? It's Katie.

29 and 1, you got yourself a failure
cake?

Confection is boring, Larry.

I have flaws, and I don't care who knows
it.

In fact... Excuse me, everybody?

Everybody, I have something that I would
like to say. What are you doing?

My name is Ben Parr, and I slept with a
nightlight until I was well into my

teens. Oh, I hate doing this.

My name is Kate Swanson, and I can't
really swim.

Well, I mean, I'm not going to drown out
there, but it doesn't look... Right.

All right.

Listen up, everybody. My name is
Lawrence Ebenezer Munch, and I am

Oh, my God. Are the rats back?

No, no. We're good.

How'd your pitch go? Well, they offered
me fruit.

They've never offered me fruit.

Get to the point. Are they going to
publish your book or not?

You know that that's not the last cake
in the world, right?

Okay, well, they said that it seemed
like a really good fit, and I'd hear

them in a couple days. That's so
awesome. I cannot wait to stand in what

imagine will be a very long line for you
to sign my first copy of your very

first book. Oh, nice one, Kate. Burn.

You can keep trying to act like a jerk,
but I know that somewhere deep down

there is a decent human being.

Oh, man.

Check out the rack on that girl in the
wheelchair.

Really deep down.

Well, to fairy tales.

I guess they're still possible after
all.

Fairy tales.

Tiffany, what are you doing here?

Is everything okay?

Bernie wants a divorce.

The truth is, there's no such thing as
the perfect relationship.

And even fairy tales can have unhappy
endings.

But sometimes an ending is just a new
beginning. I mean, come on. Look at that

face. You'd want to make her feel
better, too.

Do you know?

That is the downside.