Original subtitles

Okay,

got this whole section here. Sorry.

Good morning.

Beautiful day for the parade, isn't it?

Why, yes it is, sisters.

God forgive me, but if you're thinking about standing here, you might as well

forget it.

If I had a ruler in my pocket.

Your knuckles would be burning now, mister.

Save him.

Save him.

Oh, if there is a scary... For God's sake, Frank, I've been looking for you

half an hour. Where the hell have you been?

Where the hell have I been?

I've been standing here since 5 o 'clock in the morning trying to save this

spot. You have any idea what kind of people I had to deal with at that hour?

woman started screaming at me, saying I was sent by Satan to steal the lining of

her jacket.

Hello, Dana.

Oh, your cheeks are all pink. I just love them.

Well, thank you, Ray.

Good jacket.

Very plaid.

I wasn't sure if I should go with the scarf or not. It's hard to find a coat.

Hey, Calvin Klein, can we cut the fashion chatter?

You were supposed to be standing on the southeast corner on 34th Street in front

of Macy's. What, Macy's department store isn't a big enough landmark for you?

It turns out somebody else knew about the parade.

day parade, and that's what matters. I mean, I think Ray deserves our thanks,

even though this side of the street doesn't get much sun, and we are two

down from the methadone center. I mean, still, I think that Ray deserves thanks

for doing his best. Come on, everybody say, thank you, Ray.

Come on, thank you, Ray. Thank you, Ray.

Thank you. Oh, I hear the sound of a marching band in the distance. What do

say we all have a nice hot cup of coffee and settle in?

And I brought the perfect companion, a dozen donuts. Thank you. I brought a

dozen donuts, too. You're not going to believe what I have in here. Guess what?

All right, we're good in the donut department.

Who's got the coffee?

Oh, God save us. There's no coffee.

What the hell am I supposed to wash this down with?

I could just kick myself. Nadie, Nadie, don't panic. Don't panic, okay? I happen

to have in my possession...

What kind is it? Turkey gumbo.

Dana, are you insane?

What is it, Jack? What completely strange, weird, neurotic thing could you

possibly have about turkey gumbo?

Everybody knows you never let turkey pass your lips before Thanksgiving

The real purists don't even touch the bird from Labor Day on, and nobody has

for breakfast on Thanksgiving morning.

Are you going with the rule book?

Take some of that soup.

Me too, me too. Same here. You know what? You people have no respect for

tradition. And Ray, what are you doing?

What about we go to your parents' house and we're standing Thanksgiving dinner,

but not you, because you'll already be stuffed with turkey.

Turkey plays a very small role in the Litvak Thanksgiving, Jack.

Ah, cabbage rolls and flourless beet cake are the order of the day.

What about mashed potatoes? We'll have those, won't we? No, we don't have

anything like that.

Grandma does make her special kielbasa loaf.

What's in that?

Well, Granny won't tell.

It's probably best that way.

But I tell you, it'll be a meal that'll stay with you for a long time.

Well, you can pick it up today or I can pick it up tomorrow.

Maggie, help me. Is there room at your table for a nice Jewish boy who hasn't

properly conditioned his gastrointestinal tract for an all

Forget it, Jack. You'd hate dinner with my sister, Colleen. She and her husband

have the kind of relationship that simmers all year and then erupts at the

holidays. It was just last Thanksgiving that her husband's primary mistress

showed up to confront him about some secondary mistress, and since you didn't

share a room with Colleen for 15 years, he probably wouldn't enjoy seeing her in

as much pain as I do.

Oh, well, you're welcome to come with me. Have Thanksgiving dinner with

in prison.

There's plenty of room at the table. We always have me and Charles, and Stan,

the arsonist, and his wife, and Fat Tony and his wife, Rod.

A lot of my friends who are chefs and I always get together and have a big,

highly competitive gourmet Thanksgiving cook -off. I could stir something.

I doubt it. Oh, jeez.

I think I see Abe.

I thought he was flying to Detroit to see his mother for Thanksgiving.

Hey! Hey!

What are you doing here? Did you miss your plane? No, no, no. I was on the

plane, but they overbooked and offered $500 and a free round -trip ticket for

anybody who wanted to get off.

So I called my mom. I said, you want to see me for Thanksgiving, or you want to

spend the cash? She took the money. You better believe it. She's my mom.

All right, here it comes.

All right.

It really pays off to be tall, but this year I wore a little insurance.

Platform sneakers. Oh, thank you very much. I see the first boat. I see the

first boat. Oh, wow.

I can't believe this is the first time I've ever seen this parade in person.

Well, you are in for a real treat, because there's nothing like being there

close. and personal.

Oh, well, Winkle is the first balloon.

Oh, look at here.

Jack, what are you doing watching this parade on a three -inch screen when it's

right here in front of you? I like the commentary.

Casey Kasem and Donna Mills really bring it to life for me.

All right, let's go, Winkle!

to be exact, and Donna tells us they're all merit scholars from Hartford,

Connecticut.

Oh, no.

I don't believe it. What?

What? What? No, not here. Here, here. Oh. What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Avast, mateys.

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.

Yo -ho -ho in a bottle of rum.

Arr.

Kim, were you dressed like this for a reason, or have you just not done

in a while?

Now, I don't normally do parades, but I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity

to play a buccaneer in front of the hometown crowd.

Yo -ho.

Harbor. Oh, geez.

So do you mind if I join you?

I missed my float.

Hang out here with you until it passes by, and I'll jump on.

That should be any minute now, right, Kip? Oh, no, we can spend a lot of time

together.

My float is next to last in the coveted position right before the big Santa

finale.

Oh, the big Santa finale.

I'll be long gone by then. Jack, you're not staying for Santa Claus. Oh, that is

the highlight of the whole parade. It's the official start of the Christmas

season. No, thanks. I want to beat the crowds.

Frankly, I don't want to give a big warm welcome to a binge eater in a red suit

who abuses animals and runs a sweatshop.

Excuse me. Huh?

My son was wondering if you wouldn't mind letting him sit on your shoulders

he could see the parade just for a few minutes. Well, I'd be happy to put the

lad on my shoulders after all.

I'm a lot taller.

No, that's okay.

Of course he'd be happy to hold the boy for you, wouldn't you, Jack? Well, uh...

Thank you.

Johnny, this man's gonna let you watch the parade from his shoulders, isn't

nice?

Come on up here.

That way you can get a better view.

Where'd the mother go?

What?

The mother.

Where is she?

I don't know. She was standing right here, wasn't she?

Oh, dear.

Well, I'm sure she'll be right there.

Yeah, she just wouldn't go off and leave him with total strangers and a pirate,

would she?

No, of course not. She wouldn't do that to him or to us.

Uh -uh.

No.

Do you see her yet?

No, I don't.

Thank you.

This is like looking for a needle in a haystack. What kind of woman leaves a

child like this?

I don't know. Maybe she...

She went out to get him a hot dog or something and got sidetracked.

Sidetracked? You're a woman. Would you leave your child with someone like me

then just go off and do what? Go run some errands and hope he's here when you

get back?

Well, of course not.

Then if I had a kid, I would call in all my favors, get a great hotel room

overlooking the parade.

You see, that's how you were raised.

I think a kid should watch a parade from the street with all the people.

Oh, yeah, I bet you'd put him in public school, too, wouldn't you? Absolutely.

It's a great experience. You get a good education.

They got the opportunity to be beaten up by children from many different

backgrounds.

My kid's getting their education through travel. No way. There's no traveling.

How's he going to make friends if he's on the move all the time? Oh, he's

traveling. No, he's not.

Yes, he is. Over my dead body.

What the hell are we arguing about?

I have no experience with children, and to tell you the truth, I don't really

relate to them. They're such bad eaters. Look at him. There's his foot.

sign of the mother? No. Do you know how many tall brunettes are roaming the

streets today?

Ray, tall? No, no. She's an average -sized brunette. You're both wrong.

blonde with a brown coat and an overbite.

No, no. Brown hair, blue coat. She gave me the kid. I know.

I mean,

it's obvious that nobody remembers what the mother looked like.

And we know nothing about this child.

Oh, this makes me so sad.

I'll bet he was abandoned.

The mother probably just got tired of coping.

Trying to make ends meet.

Stuck in a loveless marriage.

Sex, nothing but a dim, receiving memory.

Um, well, that's my take on it.

I think it's time we got some information out of him. Last name, phone

address. Work him over till he talks. I may not be the right one to do this. All

right, I am. I'm a mom. I can handle this. Remember, we can't let him know

there's any problem.

Excuse me. All right, excuse me.

Hey! Johnny.

Hello, dear. How are things going for you today?

Good. I like it.

It's nice.

Hey, don't let that get around, kid.

Hey, would you put him down right here, please? We want to talk to Johnny. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's see.

There we go.

Okay. So, Johnny, my name is Nadine, remember?

This is my parent, Pete.

Say hi to Pete. Yes. Hi, Pete. Okay.

And, Johnny, my last name is Berkus. Now, do you know your last name?

I'm not really Johnny. I'm Wolverine, one of the X -Men.

Oh, all right. So is it just Wolverine or is it Wolverine Dubinsky or

Okay. All right. We'll try something else.

Johnny, do you know where you live?

In the Dome of Wonders.

What is that? One of Trump's new buildings?

Listen to me, Johnny.

What about your phone number? Do you know your phone number?

Yes, I do.

It's 555 -1234.

Five, six, seven, eight.

All right.

I've had just about enough of this. Would you like to go to bed without any

dinner at all? Nice, Mom.

Johnny,

you know, the reason why we're asking you all these questions is because we

to get to know you better.

Not because anything's wrong.

Nothing to worry about at all.

Everything's fine.

Everything's absolutely fine.

Where's my mommy?

Uh... Maybe Johnny has to go to the little boy's room. I know Ray does.

I just went.

But I guess it's time to go again.

Come on, Johnny.

Hey, and on the way, I'll explain to you how Mr. Kidney works.

You know how when Mom makes a pot of coffee, she puts the filter in first?

This is great.

Now, what are we gonna tell him? All right, look, I tell you what we're gonna

do. We're going to make up a story that will buy us some time until we can find

the kid's mother. No, we can't do that. He's going to know we're trying to con

him. What are you, one of those progressive mothers?

Look, take it from me, lying and deception, that's what good parenting is

about. No, no, you're wrong. I always knew when my father was trying to get

something past me, and it always made me angry. Children want to be treated like

adults. Oh, you want to treat him like an adult.

You want to tell him that 36 % of everything he owns is going to go to the

federal government.

You want to tell him that the warranty always runs out the day before something

breaks.

Once he starts losing his hair, the only available treatments are both painful

and risky. You want to tell him that, huh? Heads up.

Heads up.

Official sanitation business here. Pardon us, folks. There we go. He's back

already? What happened?

He was gone.

Somebody stole the portable toilet.

What could be the reason he'll tell you one of those?

Dana. I know what I'm doing.

Now, listen, Johnny, remember before you were asking about your mother?

Yeah. And you wanted to know where she was.

Well, um... Your eyelashes are so long.

My God, they're like caterpillars.

Um, so your mother... Your mother has gone.

Your mother has gone to... Candyland.

To get you the world's biggest piece of bubblegum from the

bubblegum king.

And she's gonna be right back.

Okay? Okay.

Candyland.

It could happen.

You haven't gone for 20 minutes.

Really? We're about to send out a search party. Please. This wheezy little

street vendor wanted 25 bucks for this thing. I told him to stick it and walk

away. So he runs after me and goes, okay, 75 cents.

I love this app, but you gotta be willing to walk away.

Wait a minute.

You're not gonna make the kid wear that, are you? We certainly are. It's

freezing. It's got ear flaps.

He doesn't care.

He's a kid.

Hey, Johnny.

Look at this hat that Meg got you.

Isn't it great? Look at that.

Want to put it on?

No, thank you.

Why not?

It's stupid.

Hey, that's my little guy.

Johnny, let me give you a piece of advice.

For the rest of your life, women are going to ask you to do stuff that you

want to do. You keep practicing that one phrase, no, it's stupid.

You'll be all right, huh?

Where's my mommy? I want my mommy.

Hey, buddy, remember that big toy store we walked by before?

Let's go see if they got anything new in the window yet, huh?

Okay. You're not going to talk about girls anymore.

What the hell are you ever talking about?

Okay, okay.

Getting nervous.

I know.

I got news for you. It's been over an hour. That mother's not coming back.

we've waited long enough. I think we should take him to the police station.

Yeah, the police. They'll fingerprint him, take his picture. I'll get the used

metal toilet. It'll be a Thanksgiving I'll never forget.

You poor little guy.

us could take him for the night he seems to like you jack me what do i know

about kids look we'll be home we'll be there five minutes he'll ask me where

babies come from i'll blurt out the home shopping network he'll be in therapy

for the next 20 years you better take him i'm no good at kids either i mean i

don't know how to talk to him gee taste in music and theater is so appalling i

mean come on if you don't know what's happening on sesame street they just

you out

Kind of took a shine to both of you. He asked me if you were married.

He also thinks his mother's in Candyland.

I think you should both take him. Give him a nice dinner and a safe place to

sleep. Yep. At least he'll get a holiday out of it.

Oh, yeah, that's the right thing to do.

Well, I really didn't like the way that the Litvak family get -together was

shaping up.

I found out Ray only invited me so he could fix me up with his sister, Nancy.

She just got out of the convent after 12 years, and she's eager to date.

I wonder what was Jeannie Cahill.

I don't know what went wrong there.

I don't know if she was waiting for me to ask her out or if she liked somebody

else or what.

I hit her.

All right.

Hey, Johnny, come here.

Jack and I want to talk to you for a minute, all right?

Listen, um, it's taking just a little bit longer than we thought for your mom

come back.

Oh, but she's all right. She thought it would be a good idea if Dan and I took

you to her place for the night.

Will my mommy meet us there?

We sure hope so.

To tell you the truth, John, we just don't know

where your mommy is.

She's lost, but we're trying really hard to find her. We told you a little

white lie because we didn't want you to be scared.

Scared?

That's all right. It's all right. to be scared i mean sometimes even big boys

are scared right jack oh that's right i've been scared lots of times like the

time i accidentally threw my baseball through the windshield of my dad's brand

new car oh man i was really scared that time and i remember when i was just

about your age i i had this little kitten in and she ran away from this

where we were staying in florence and i i couldn't find her anywhere and i i

just went yelling down the ponte vecchio oh

an unusual childhood, all right?

That was scary.

Look, what we're trying to tell you, Johnny, is that being scared is

that's going to happen to you now and then in life. But if you have really

friends, they'll help you get through it.

Could we be your friends for just a little while?

Hey, Johnny, what a big hug for your good old Uncle Jack, huh?

Johnny?

reindeer so we're gonna beat the crowd we're gonna get out of here right now oh

yeah come on everybody let's pack and it's gonna be a zoo getting out of here

wait a minute what am i saying we can't go

now because we're gonna miss out on san and his reindeer right johnny oh yeah

You gave us quite a scare.

We really didn't know what to do.

I am just so grateful.

Thank you.

Well, we better be going. We're having Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma's, right,

sweetie? So say goodbye to everybody.

Wait a minute. You can't leave now. He'll miss Santa.

That's the best part, right, Johnny?

Oh, I don't care, Jack. I'm Jewish.

What? I don't believe in Santa Claus, but it's okay if you do.

Mommy told me never to spoil it for people who believe.

junk like that in our diet.

And where's your hat?

Oh, come on, let's put on your hat.

No.

It's stupid.

Okay,

goodbye. Well, that's it. I'm off to my sister's.

Hey, Abe. Yeah. How'd you like to come with me? My sister's always bugging me

get married. I could introduce you as my fiancé. That should liven things up.

Do they own any firearms?

No. Okay, I'm in. Okay.

Are you coming, Jay?

Uh, Ray, could I take a rain check with you folks? I'm kind of wiped out

already. You sure?

Kielbasa loaf, cabbage rolls.

Oh, that sounds so tempting, but thanks anyway, huh?

And could you recycle this for me?

I know a place.

All right, happy Thanksgiving.

Bye, Dana. Bye.

Hey, Dana, want to ride across town with me?

Oh, thanks, but you know, I take a walk home.

Okay, dear. Bye -bye. Happy Thanksgiving.

Bye, Nadine.

I know a great coffee shop that serves the best hot turkey sandwich with mashed

potatoes and gravy and cranberry sauce the way it's meant to be served, from a

can.

Sounds good.

Better than the turkey with fennel cactus papaya sauce or whatever the hell

is we chefs cook to screw up Thanksgiving every year.

Are you wangling an invitation to join me?

Well, since we just raised a child together, it seems like the appropriate

to do.

Oh, damn.

I'm getting a cold.

Give me the hat.

I thought you said hats are stupid.

I'm something, but I can pull it off if necessary. Now give me the hat.

Dana, give me the hat.

Would you give me the hat, please?

Can you get the hat from her?