All language subtitles for love_and_war_s02e04_but_not_for_me

Right, you do recognize me.

Kip Zakaris, actor.

And this actor has just heard the
biggest news of his career.

I have just been nominated for
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Daytime

Series!

Drink for everybody!

Yes, sir, this is going to kick my
career into a whole new gear.

Oh, yeah, it'll be good to get that baby
out of reverse, huh?

What's going on? Kip's been nominated
for an Emmy.

Oh, oh, for cat's sake, an Emmy. An
Emmy, Kip. Kip nominated for an Emmy.

Who'd have thought?

Who would have thought?

Well, technically, it's not an Emmy.
It's the All -American Daytime

Achievement Awards.

And where's that held, Kip, in your
living room?

Come on, give him a break. I think it's
great.

Now, what role was it for, Kip?

Was it the coal miner who got stuck in a
mine shaft and was rescued by the band

of little orphans and digging for a dad?

Or was it for the, uh...

a terrorist leader who had amnesia, and
I think my name is Fahir.

Actually, Ray, it's for the role of Rick
in that soap opera that I did.

I'm sure you all remember that one. Oh,
yes, yes, I remember.

You were the handsome drifter who came
to town, and that girl Misty fell for

you, even though her mother warned her
that you were nothing but trouble, and

then the mother had an affair with you,
too, but when you gave the grandmother

that hot oil massage, I said to myself,
oh, no, no, no, no, not in my living

room.

One duck, one lamb chopped for table
six. I heard a lot of applause. What

they doing, passing around my lemon
souffle?

You've got to tell me when these things
happen. I like to see the moment when I

change people's lives.

Hey, Dan, guess what?

Oh, don't worry. I didn't get engaged or
anything.

Kip here got nominated for an acting
award.

Oh, gee, really?

Kip nominated for an award? Well, who
would have thought?

Who would have thought?

Now, the way I look at it, it's an honor
just to be nominated.

You know, I know... a lot of actors and
they all say that, but I have a feeling

they would sell their mothers to win
something.

If only it were that simple.

Well, listen up, everybody. This is one
of the most important nights of my life

and I want to share it with my friends.
I have bought a table for the ceremony

and I want all of you to be my guests.
What do you say?

Well, will there be celebrities there or
just guys like you?

Abe, there are going to be all the
daytime heavy hitters. There are going

talk show hosts, all the big soap opera
stars.

Oh, soap operas. I don't understand why
people watch those things.

They're an insult to your intelligence.

They're always about some small town
where half the people are in a coma and

other half's on trial for putting them
in a coma.

And what's with all those guys in the
eye patches?

Who the hell's going around poking their
eyes out anyway?

Well, I think it'd be great to go.

Maybe I'll be seen on television, you
know?

I'll be a first in the lit bag family.

Well, unless you count my sister Louise.

The back of her head was on American
Bandstand.

So what about you two?

I can't. I'm busy that night.

Jack, you gotta wait till he tells you
what night it is before you say you're

busy.

I'm sorry. I clutched.

It's not so bad, Jack.

You know that morbid fascination we have
for plastic surgery?

Yeah. I predict it'll be a smorgasbord
of bad eye jobs, breast implants, and

college and mishaps you can't even
imagine.

Now, where else can you see all that and
get a free meal?

Well, Matt, when you're right, you're
right. Kip, count me in. Great.

What about you, Miss Dana?

What? What was that?

Let me make my vote clear.

I'm not inviting you as part of a
package like the others.

No.

I am asking you, Miss Dana Palladino, to
be my date.

Your date, you say?

Oh, gee.

Now, do you think that's a good idea? I
mean, you know, I'm such a powerful

personality. It's just a matter of time
before I suck all the attention away

from you.

Look, Dana, I'm going to lay myself on
the line here.

People see me as the kind of guy with a
lot of self -confidence.

But do you know that the first audition
I ever had, the director told me that

I'd have a better chance of becoming the
king of France than of ever becoming an

actor?

And maybe you can understand why this
nomination means so much to me. And,

if I walk away with that big gold
statue, I would just love to have

like you to share it with.

Somebody I could turn to and give a
little hug to.

And I'd really rather that person wasn't
my agent Lenny.

So, please, Dana, it'd mean a lot to me.

Will there be dancing?

Absolutely. Because I really do love to
dance, and between you and me, no one's

asked me lately, so... All right.

You got yourself a date.

Thanks, Dana.

Thanks.

Believe that, Jack?

She's going out with Kip.

I mean, if this is her way of trying to
get my attention, doesn't she realize

she doesn't have to play games with me?

Something really weird has happened.
Here, I'm going to get some answers.

So, what's the story?

Does Kip have something on you?

He does, doesn't he?

What is it, an incriminating picture of
you using a pre -made pie crust?

Well, now, isn't that interesting?

Not only have you eavesdropped on my
conversation, but you've gotten all

up about it. Oh, come on. I'm just
raising the red flag of caution, that's

I mean...

None of us knows that much about Kip,
and you are small. You would fit very

neatly into the trunk of his car, if you
know what I mean.

My God, you're jealous. All the abuse
that I have heaped on you, and it's just

been a big turn on, hasn't it?

Oh, come on.

You think I'm jealous?

That's hilarious.

You know what I really feel here, Dana?

A very deep sadness that you are so
lonely you have to go out with Kip.

I mean...

Wouldn't it be a more interesting
evening if you got all dolled up and

for a big night on the town with this?

You know, Jack, sometimes in all of our
lives we're called upon to do something

generous. I don't really have the time
to go to India and help the poor, so I'm

going to go out with Kip instead.

And I will bet you that I will have a
better time with Kip or with this than I

would ever have with you. What is that
supposed to mean?

Look, I know what Kip is all about. I
know he carries a picture of himself in

his wallet, but you know what?

I just have this feeling that Kip knows
how to show a woman a good time. I mean,

after all, the love of your life was
married to him.

Now that's hitting below the belt.

And just for the record, I would never
ask you out.

So if you have any desire for an active
social life, you better put this baby in

the refrigerator.

So, where are Dana and Kip? Shouldn't
they be here by now?

Not that I care. I'm just asking. Are
you anybody?

Yeah, I'm Connie Chung.

Oh, they're the fellas.

Oh, look at the three of you. Is there
anything more handsome than a man in a

tuxedo? And you ladies look very nice,
too.

Well, just out of curiosity, did you
happen to see Dana and Kip out there?

Not that I care, but, you know, it is
getting kind of late.

Not that it's my problem.

Uh -oh, bad eye job coming in at 11 o
'clock.

Don't turn around. She's looking right
over here.

Isn't she?

Whoa.

Now that is a bad eye job.

Hey, let's go over there and get some of
those jumbo shrimp before the actors

figure out they're free.

Oh, my, this is such an exciting event.

Will you look at all these celebrities?
As I was coming in, Monty Hall gave me a

shove and said, move it.

Can you imagine?

Monty Hall said move it to me.

Oh, here comes our nominee.

Hello, hi, how are you? Nice to see you.
Hello, hi, how are you? Nice to see

you. Hello, hi, how are you? Nice to see
you. Ah, Jacko, there you are. I'm

sorry. We got a little held up, you
know, the blinding glare of celebrity.

I think I would give up anything to get
my privacy back. Excuse me, would you

like an autograph?

Hi.

Hi.

You clean up pretty nice.

So do you.

Hey.

So, how far along is Kip in his life
story?

Is he up to the fourth grade yet, where
he was passed over for the role of the

baby Jesus because he was already
shaving?

Actually, we had a pretty interesting
conversation on the way over here.

You know, Kip's traveled all through
Europe.

Unlike you, whose most exotic experience
seems to be limited to ordering the

Belgian waffle at the International
House of Pancakes.

Dana, I'm sorry I had to indulge a fan.

Why don't we sit down?

Dana, have I told you how absolutely
lovely you look tonight?

Well, Kip, you have, but please feel
free to tell me as many times as you

I'm just so proud to be here with you
tonight.

You are the brightest star in the
firmament.

May I get you a cocktail?

Champagne would be nice.

Firmament. That's a big word for Kip.

Tell me you're buying that whole load of
phony compliments.

A phony compliment delivered correctly
with an art.

You have a lot to learn about women.

Yeah, right.

By the way, you look great in a tuxedo.

Oh, thanks.

See what I mean?

Hey, there's that woman from General
Hospital.

The one whose husband was... Kidnapped
by the Costa Rican drug lord? It wasn't

her husband. It was her half -brother,
the one who was in the snowplow

What's so wrong?

The snowplow accident was Tiffany
Slade's boyfriend, the ski instructor.

Tiffany Slade doesn't even have a
boyfriend.

She was having an affair with the
operating room nurse.

Oh, come on. If you're going to talk,
get your facts straight.

Tiffany Slade isn't even on general
hospital. She's on the young and the

restless. And she's trying to keep a
good -for -nothing husband from finding

about her twin sister, but it's all
going to come out at that trial.

Why she soaps?

What else am I supposed to do while I'm
ironing?

But I'm going to cut back.

I am.

As soon as I find out who the father of
Tiffany Slade's baby is.

Yeah, she's pregnant again.

She is?

When did that happen? Thursday.

She just had a baby on Tuesday.

Here you are, my lady.

Thank you. You having a good time, Dana?
I want you to feel comfortable.

Let me know if there's anything else I
can get for you. I'm just fine.

Thank you, Kip. As a matter of fact, I
haven't had a man be so attentive to me

since I catered a party at Hyannis
Court.

I love that perfume you're wearing.

Reminds me of a time I was in the south
of France. There was this garden of

wildflowers. Excuse me, would you pass
the butter, Kip?

Why, there's no bread on the table yet.

I know that. I just like to have the
butter next to me so that when the bread

does come, I don't waste a lot of
valuable time looking around for it. All

right?

Thank you.

What's going on, Stein?

You jealous?

Oh, come on. Of course not. You sure are
all over them. You're hallucinating.

Have you leaned in any close to
yourself?

Be quiet. I can't hear what they're
saying.

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your
seats. The ceremony will begin in a few

minutes. And once more, a reminder, this
is a televised event for the Fox

Network, so the doors will be locked and
no one will be allowed to leave until

the end of the evening's festivities.

Have a great time.

He's kidding, right?

We can't get out?

They don't want anybody to leave until
all the awards are given out. How many

awards are there?

47.

Oh, here you are, kid.

Number 46.

Special effects editing for an
informational daytime special and or

series. The All -American Daytime TV
Achievement Award goes to... Rodentia,

Malaysia's War on Rats.

What could possibly be so interesting?

Excuse me for a minute. I think I'll run
to the ladies' room, although there are

4 ,000 women here in pantyhose, so don't
wait up.

Who came in?

Jack, they're standing because a lady is
leaving the table.

Oh, we're doing that again now?

You will never guess who I just ran
into.

Monty Hall, again.

He was waiting to get into the men's
room, and I said to him, this will just

kill you. I said, is that door number
one?

And he looked like he wanted to say
something to me, but I guess he must

been presenting the next award because
he just... Took off and ran right back

into the ballroom.

Boy, for a man his age, he can really
move.

Sit down.

Uh -oh, here we go.

Bad face lifted. Table 36.

Check it out. Check it out.

Woo! There was major reconstruction done
there.

I'll bet you it's the same crew they
used on the Statue of Liberty.

I wonder if she had to get a permit from
the city.

flack on her back of all the people who
contributed.

No, no, but seriously, Ray, go on over
there and put a safety cone by her in

case something falls.

Stop.

I'm just trying to amuse myself, okay?
We've been here since March.

Unbelievable. Oh, for God's sake. They
wouldn't even let me in the ladies'

They said too many women had hurt
themselves trying to crawl out the

Hey, everybody, I think my award's up
next.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Chad
Garrett.

Very often, the actors in our next
category are called on to portray

personalities, fringe people.

Okay, nuts.

And here to present the most outstanding
guest actor...

in a daytime drama, is one of America's
most beloved characters and something of

an authority on nut.

Here he is, the host of The Nut Hut,
Nutso the Squirrel.

Hey, thanks for the intro. Next time I
have trouble hibernating, I'll call you.

Now, I understand we got a bunch of guys
running for this doorstop, so I guess

we're going to see some clips right now.

The first clip is of a guy named Kip.

Kip. What the hell kind of a name is
that?

Even I wouldn't have a stupid name like
that. And I'm vermin.

Anyway, roll it.

Misty, I'm going to lay myself on the
line here.

People see me as a guy with a lot of
self -confidence.

But did you know that the first time I
ever rode a horse, the wrangler told me

that I stood a better chance of becoming
the king of France than I've ever

become in a radio program?

So maybe you can understand how much
riding that bull means to me.

And, Misty, if I win that big belt
buckle tonight,

I would just love to have somebody like
you to share it with me.

Somebody like me.

Turn to.

Give a little hug to.

I'd rather that that somebody wasn't my
horse, Chet.

to put myself out of my misery.

And the winner is... Whoa!

Look at this, kid.

It's a four -way tie.

Oh, yeah, that happens a lot in the
Nobel Prize Committee.

Kip, look, I know we've had our
differences in the past, and there was a

when I wished a lot of bad luck on you,
but something like this, geez, I mean, I

wouldn't wish this kind of public
humiliation on my worst enemy.

I mean, the whole country. All right,
all right, all right, Jack, Jack.

Kip, Kip, I gotta tell you, I think you
were robbed.

Thank you, Abe, that's very sweet of
you.

No, I think I actually saw a guy take
your wallet.

Let's quit moping around and go next
door to the ball.

Let's go mope over there.

You know, I don't think

we can just pick things up where we left
off.

I'm going to need some time.

how we keep running into each other. I
feel like we're old pals. Listen, are

going next door to the ball? Because I
came stag. Lady, can we make a deal?

give you $100 for a lipstick or $300 if
you'll go away.

Far away.

Oh, mister, you've still got it. Come
on.

Security! Security! I'll give $500 to
anybody with a badge.

with me again.

What are you saying?

That I used Brick's speech to get you to
come here with me tonight?

How about word for word?

What are you saying?

That I don't have the capability of
expressing myself with my own words?

need some hack writer?

Et tu, Brute?

Excuse me. Kip Zakaris?

Christine Thomas, Entertainment Today.
Can you stand up here a second?

Kip, you've made television history here
tonight.

Nobody in this room ever remembers
anybody losing this big before.

How do you feel about that?

Uh... Let me ask you something, Kip.

Do you remember who won your award last
year?

Uh, well, actually, no, I don't. That's
right, Kip. Nobody remembers the

winners. Winners, they're a dime a
dozen. But spectacular losers like

Now that's a story. Congratulations,
Kip.

Reporting live from New York, this is
Christine Thomas.

Cut. Good, Kip. Got some good story.
Thank you. Appreciate it. Hey, wait,

You know, I never thought of it that
way. I mean, who's the biggest loser of

all? Susan Lucci.

Everybody knows who she is. She's got
all the big TV deals.

I could be the next Susan Lucci.

Any luck, I'll lose again next year.

Would you mind if we shot a little tape
of you here at the bar? Maybe sitting up

at the bar, drinking heavily, or being
shunned by your peers, that sort of

thing. No, no, no, that sounds great.
Oh, good, good.

Okay.

Uh, Dana, you remember when I said that
if I win, I'd like to have somebody that

I could give a little hug to?

Well, I didn't win, but, uh...

I'm still awful glad that

you were here tonight.

And those are my words.

Now, do you mind if I go do this?

It's a showbiz thing.

Do not say a word.

I have a Swiss Army knife in my evening
bag, and I am well versed in the use of

any and all attachments.

I'm not going to milk this.

I just have one question.

Who's a better guy?

One who forgets to pull the chair out
for you, or the one who pulls the rug

from under you?

These are my choices?

This is why I live with a cat.

So, here we are, all dressed up with no
place to go.

Well, I know where I'm going.

Home.

Really? When you hear music like this,
it doesn't make you want to take a

cruise around the dance floor?

With who?

You? Why not?

Oh, please, I can't believe you even
dance.

Oh, really?

Well, let's just say that as a young man
in Brooklyn, my mother enrolled me in

the Evelyn Goldman dance and cotillion
class.

Where I gained such a reputation, the
neighborhood kids delighted in beating

crap out of me.

That's a good dancer I am.

Come on.

Well, maybe for a minute.

But you better not embarrass me. These
are new shoes, and if you step on

Okay, but you're not taking me home.

Who said I wanted you?

Oh, you want to.

They all want to.

I'm telling you, Red, Bob Gibson threw
the ball harder than anybody you ever

pitched. I don't know what you're
talking about, you little rodent. When

Magli was in his heyday, he could blow
balls by anybody, okay?

You know, there's hardly no booze in
these drinks. Oh, yeah. Why don't we go

someplace where we can talk?

Where you been all my life?