Original subtitles

All right, I'm going to pass out the ballots now, and soon we will know

Happy Pilgrim Estates will officially become Nelson Mandela Estates.

I'm voting. Oh, hi. Welcome to the show.

Thank you.

You people at home don't know that this condo rec room extends way, way into,

oh, like Burbank. It includes this audience and many, many other audiences.

would say there's 10 ,000 to 15 ,000 people out there.

I'm voting for Nelson Mandela.

Nelson Mandela.

The other choices were Charles Nelson Riley, Nelson Eddie, and half Nelson.

Well, I'm not hilarious tonight. I'm a little off.

So go easy on me. I'll tell you.

We've been in this condo meeting for about half an hour now, and there's this

guy behind me.

I want you to be real subtle about this. Every time I turn around, he's just

staring at me. Here, take... And act natural. Don't make a big deal out of

Take a look.

He gives me the creeps. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on it. Look

the guy in front of me. Look at him. Look at him.

That's Pete. He gives me the creeps, too, but at least I know why.

Oh, brother.

Am I off?

Anyway, this guy behind me, every time he stands up, it's so weird. There's a

big gust of wind.

I don't know if he sat on a windmill or what. What's going on there?

What? Is this his diet or what?

Boy, I can't come up with a good joke tonight to save my life.

Well, we are now all officially residents of the Nelson Mandela Estate.

And now on to the next order of business.

As you remember, our gardener, Mr. Gardner, retired last week.

And I've heard that he's very happy pursuing his new hobby, gardening.

But dread not. Our courtyard is in good hands.

I'd like you all to meet our new gardener, Mr.

Lucas Death.

There it is.

There it is.

There it is.

Do you feel that?

Do you feel that? Did you feel that up there?

Did you feel it?

Oh, brother, what the heck is going on there? It reminds me of that movie.

What movie was that, honey? The Big Chill.

This is great. Suddenly I've turned into a straight man. I'm another shimp.

Lucas, just for the record, how do you spell your last name? D -E -T -H?

No. No, no, no.

It's D -E -A -T -H.

Like in the real death.

As in Death of a Salesman, which will be performed by our little condo players

starring Kim Moon and Willie Loman.

I am light, but not well light.

Well, now that we're all clear on the spelling, if you'll excuse me, I've got

lot of work to do.

I don't like this. I don't like it. This guy must wreak havoc in a stationary

store.

You know this show. I know this show. Let's face facts.

That's death.

Any new business?

I'd like to make a motion that that man is actually death.

Good choice. Why don't you hire Mr.

Chlorine? to clean the pool.

That is bad.

I get chills.

Don't be silly.

There's a big wind and he spells his name D -E -A -T -A.

Mary, you're being silly. Look, I have an Aunt Bertha and someone doesn't give

birth every time she walks by.

You know, I have that nanny named S -Somewhere -To and I'm still around to

about it.

And my last name is Moon.

As you can see, I still have my pants on.

Meeting adjourned. Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I have an Aunt St. Helens, and every time she goes by, hot

and steam comes shooting out of her.

I mean, it's like it flows out of her.

You guys look at the opening credits. You'll see. I'm not kidding. There's

home video footage of my Aunt St. Helens.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

This is the theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write

theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like the sofa?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the block of where I start to whistle.

Then we'll watch the Gary Stanley show.

Hello,

Gary.

He must smell my cologne.

If you guys at home can smell it, let me know. That means it's really on too

much.

Those are nice flowers, Lucas.

Really nice.

You know, I used to sell seeds when I was a boy. Gary, where's Kim Moon?

Kim Moon?

Why? Well, I've got something kind of special I've got to do with him.

Well, you know, he's sick today, as a matter of fact. He's got 105 degree

temperature. I wouldn't bother him if I were you.

Is that right?

Sweaty palms, palpitations, screaming in the middle of the night.

That sounds really bad.

Where is he, Gary?

Where is he? Well, you know, I've only lived here four years. I still get

everything really confused. I know where the pool is. Where is he, Gary?

Is that a scythe? Where is he, Gary?

Where is he, Gary? I'm going to tell you.

I'm going to tell you.

I'm not with this again.

Come on.

I told you in the first scene that guy was creepy.

Dabney Coleman reads Huck Finn.

If that isn't a setup, I don't know what is.

I happened to turn over this salt cellar at breakfast.

This will take my mind. I reached for some of it as quick as I could to throw

on my left shoulder and keep off the bad luck, but Miss Watson was in ahead of

me and crossed me off. She says, take your hands away, Huckleberry Finn.

What a mess you're always making.

I know that well enough.

I started out after breakfast feeling worried and shaky and wondering where it

was going to fall on me and what it was going to be.

There's ways to keep off some kinds of bad luck, but this... I can't. I can't.

That always relaxes me. I can't even... I couldn't even watch an episode of Slap

Maxwell. And I love Dabney Coleman.

I'll get it.

You know I'm here, Gary.

You knew from the minute you saw me.

I am dead.

Yeah, but, uh... I thought, uh, Kim Moon, I thought you were going over to

Moon's. I did.

I trimmed his crab breast.

Gary, listen, I'm much mistaken.

This is your last show, thank God, and it's time for you to die.

Me? Mm -hmm. It was me all along? Mm -hmm.

But, you know, I feel fine. I really do. I can't believe that it can't be Mike.

You must be mistaken.

You said it last time. You know what? No, no. You probably are after my mom,

Ruth Shandling. No. They sound very similar.

No, no. You should really double check. No, no.

No, it's definitely you.

There you go.

And he's for tomorrow. Oh, this can't be.

Well, sure it is. Call him up. Him? Call him up.

I don't believe this. Gimmering.

Gimmering.

I will. I will call him. I'll call him. I know him very well.

Gimmering.

Hello?

Bob, it's Gary Shandling. Oh, hi, Gary.

Hi. Listen.

Death, you say?

He's in your apartment now?

Yes, my show is going off the air.

Bob, Bob, I'm on the other end of the phone. You don't need to talk like this.

Oh, oh, oh, right.

Bob, listen, has this guy been hanging around you?

He's like about six feet tall, always wearing black.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Lucas Death.

You're kidding. You know who he is? He's for real, Bob?

Face the camera. It's over for both of us.

Okay, Bob.

Just double -checking. That's perfect. Glad to know that information.

I'll talk to you later. Thanks, Yara. Always happy to be on split screen.

back at you, Bob.

I mean it.

Bob?

Uh -huh.

Right.

Box seat, you say?

Caught one.

He caught... He's a good guy.

Are you ready to go now?

I'm not ready to go.

I'm not ready at all. You know, just get off my

show. I'm not ready to die. I'm just not.

Gary, you're already dead.

I killed myself during a monologue, didn't I?

I was fixing my hair and dripped and fell. That's what it looks like. It

like I was spending too much time on it. It was, wasn't it? Everyone says that.

They go, one day you're going to freeze like that. That's what happened.

Come on, Gary.

Let's go.

Can I say goodbye to my wife?

Come on. No.

Come on. No. Come on.

Let me just say goodbye to my viewers. I mean, it's been four years.

Why?

Nobody's watching.

They didn't even watch you when you were alive.

You got a point there.

could buy, but went overboard and broke for sure.

When Jim come along by and by, the big raft was way out of sight

around the point.

I swam out and got aboard and was mighty glad to see

home again.

Gary,

Never got to finish the last 71 pages of Huck Finn.

But now he finally has.

As I look around here, I see so many of Gary's old

friends.

And in case you are wondering, my book reading tapes

are available in the lobby.

At $29 .95.

Thank you very much, Dabney. That was very moving.

Very moving indeed.

And oh, did Gary love to read. And oh, did he love to laugh. And nobody made

laugh more than Mr. Who's the boss himself, Tony Danza.

This is a... Very sad day for me.

As you all know, I tape my show right across the hallway from Gary.

And so we would bump into each other nearly every day and talk about

boxing, and our hair.

About two years ago during one of these talks, Gary asked me to be on his show.

I told him I was too busy.

That my plate was full.

God, I hate that plate.

The next time somebody asks me to be on their show, I'm either gonna push some

stuff aside or get a bigger plate.

Oh, Gary.

I'm happy to report that I'm feeling great.

And that my show will be running for at least two, maybe three seasons on a

rival network.

Oh, and I do feel very badly about Gary.

And now, I think Pete, Gary's best friend, would like to say something.

Gary Shandling was my best friend.

Sure, we had our ups and downs, but which two friends haven't?

I'm going to miss my pal.

I love Gary and Tony.

I love your show, Who's the Boss?

It's the kind of show I could watch with my family, not like Gary's show.

No, no, not the way you're all thinking. Come on. We never had sex, honestly.

I said it before, I'm saying it right now, and I'll probably go to my own

We never, we never had sex. I didn't find him that attractive, honestly.

I'm glad they have a closed casket, personally.

I'm sorry.

Oh, gosh, I guess I just had too much to drink at the wake.

Poor screwdrivers.

Anyway, Phoebe.

Well, you got him.

You married him.

You had sex with him.

Now he's dead.

Well, I'm sure now I'm not in the will.

I never put out.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what...

What are you going to do?

Thank you very much, Nancy. That was very touching. It just goes to show that

grief can be expressed in many morbid and repulsive ways.

Or maybe you, you depressed me. What gives you the right to taunt me? You're

even American.

This is

a funeral, not a condo meeting.

who used more makeup than he did, Al Jolson.

Well, Gary, the word in the quad is you're up there, big boy.

Now, as we file out, let's listen to Gary's favorite song one last time.

Oh, honey, you would have loved the funeral.

Everybody was... Everybody was...

Well, actually, Nancy was pretty blasted, but on the good side, Tony

finally showed up.

I'm going to miss you, Pokey.

Baby,

baby, you're clashing with the dirge.

Thanks for the big part in your funeral show, Uncle Gary.

Excuse me.

Yeah, I'm with you on that.

Aren't you Gary's manager?

Brad Brillnick.

Gabby Coleman.

I don't know whether this is an appropriate time to say this or not, but

probably know my manager, Bernie Brillstein.

I haven't been...

real happy with his work lately. I was just wondering if you were willing to...

Miss Dabney, you might consider taking on a few new clients. I knew the face,

but I didn't know the name, so that says to me you need management.

Why don't we talk about this on the way to the cemetery? I have a little resume

here. Okay, right this way.

Hi.

Good to see you. I'm not dead.

I know some of you are probably really disappointed, but...

It was just a bit. It was the last show of the whole four seasons, and we

thought it'd be great if I died. And I thought the funeral scene was really

funny. I want to thank you for watching all four years. And, hey,

we'll see you in syndication, okay?

Good night, everybody. Hold it a second.

Hey, Mr. Stradley, the head of the network, the man who made this all

Thanks for coming over, Mr. Stradley. I'm just signing off. Chamblee,

your dead bit over?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's over. What did you think? I think you should have stayed in

the coffin.

Mr. Xavier, didn't you like it? No, I didn't like the show, Gary. I didn't

it at all. I didn't like that you embarrassed Bob Newhart, Tony Danza, and

Dabney Coleman after all the strings I had to pull to get them on this show.

say, the dead birds.

Oh, yes, entertainment, huh?

And, hey, that wind. What about that wind? Oh, chilling, chilling.

The wind was a metaphor for death. It all tied together again. That wind

all the air out of the studio. Plus, plus, you had Dabney Coleman reading for

two and a half minutes. Two and a half minutes from Huck Finn. I timed it. I

don't think it was. Maybe your watch was fast. I don't think it was that long.

Gary, time stopped watching this show.

Well, Mr. Shredler, I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry you didn't

like it.

Well, I'll tell you what you're going to do.

You're going to do me another show.

Another show? No, Mr. Strava.

I'm dead. I died in this show. I can't do another show. What am I going to do?

What are you going to do? I don't... I guess you're going to go into your trunk

of sheep tricks, see? And you're going to pull out your undead hat or your

animation belt, see?

And maybe you'll rub your ass three times. I don't know.

I don't know what you're going to do, but you're going to give me another

What am I going to do? Yes, sir, I'll do it. No, no, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, no.

One show won't take the taste out of people's mouths.

You're going to give me two shows. Two shows, Mr. Stratton? And I don't care

what you do, see? I don't care if you do, say, a talent show or a movie

I just don't care.

Gary, it doesn't matter to me at all.

Just get back in that coffin and start writing.

Good night, everybody.

See you soon. I've got to start writing.

Hope you enjoy the scary channeling show.