Original subtitles

Thanks and welcome to the show. Thank you. Welcome to the show. Do you like

shirt? Yes.

Thank you.

It's a wedding gift. They're just rolling in faster than I can keep track.

Oh, you guys love that one. Well, you've come on a really special night because

tonight is the show where I get married.

This is actually the last sort of monologue I'm going to do as a single

it's kind of weird because the next time you see me, I have to...

be doing new married jokes like like i just made love to my wife and i said was

it good for you and she said you know i don't think this is good for anyone you

can see there's a huge there'll be a huge difference anyway i'm really

it's going to be great phoebe has actually picked out a very quaint little

called the edgewood manor which is a beautiful place that's where we're

married very quaint like this show so i was writing it and um And I know what

you're thinking. Were you registered?

So let's get that out of the way.

No, I know you're thinking, I'm watching, Gary. Is it still time to send

gift? And there is.

I actually have prepared a catalog of things that I've always wanted. And why

don't, during the opening credits, we'll run it and you can take a look and pick

something out for me.

And don't forget, you are allowed to chip in if you want to buy something

big.

Good luck. See you then.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would play a theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like the theme? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

of where I'm going to win.

Gary Sandling Show.

This was the theme to Gary Sandling Show.

That's the man of the hour. Hey, pal. Hey, Brad.

Hey, you want some oatmeal?

Yeah, sure, I'm due.

Did you have fun last night? Oh, yeah, I had a good time.

Gary, did I mention to you how honored I am that you chose me, your manager, to

be your best man?

Did I ask you to be my best man? No, I didn't. I don't remember. I've seen you,

kid, and that's your special talent. But I've got to tell you, I am touched.

I am deeply, deeply touched.

Oh, that's great. I could imagine you would be. I would be.

But I don't remember asking you to be my best man, but great.

Gary, you really are... nervous about this wedding. No, I'm nervous in

It has nothing to do with the wedding. Don't be.

I've talked to a few club managers around the country, and the feedback I'm

getting is of a very, very positive nature. They're excited for you. Brad, I

don't care what the club owners think, really. Gary, Gary, Gary, don't say that

even in jest. Brad, please. The reason I'm getting married has nothing to do

with my career. I happen to be very much in love. I've got a little career

bulletin for you.

Oh, for God's sake.

to talk about my career with your mouth full.

When love came through that door, your bookings were about to walk out.

It's not going to be that. Hey, boys.

Hey,

wait for the door. My bookings. You're letting my bookings out.

I'm sure there aren't any out there. Pete, you want some oatmeal? No, no, no.

just had lunch.

You know, that was some bachelor party. You should know, Pete. You should know.

Hey, you know, Brad, you are a wonderful dancer.

She inspired me.

What about you, Pete? What about the way you sing?

I know talent, pal, and you can sing. Oh, he's already no talent. It's

a guesswork. Gary, Gary, Brad.

Brad knows talent. He's the best. Listen to the man. Listen to the man.

That's it.

Gary, I want to tell you something.

I want you to listen. I am honored.

What happened?

I am honored that you asked me to be your best man.

I'm Gary's best man. Oh, no, Brad, Brad, try Gary at me.

Gary, I was so excited last night, I couldn't sleep the whole night.

That's your problem. I look like a baby, and I'm Gary's best man. No way, Brad.

He asked me. Gary, you asked me to be the best man. How can you ask two people

to be your best man? Oh, man,

I hope there's not more than one bride.

I swear.

He's joking again. I'm the best man.

You got one bride, right?

You want some oatmeal, honey? Gary, you're not going to believe what

There was a fire at the Edgewood Manor.

Can you believe that? What happened? I don't know what happened. I just heard

on the news. I mean, it's burned to the ground. Gary, we're going to have to

call all the guests. Honey, you're kidding. We're going to have to call the

caterer. We're going to have to call the florist. Honey, you're not serious, are

you? We're going to have to delay the wedding. Delay?

Delay? What's with delay?

That's airport talk. I know every room in this town, and I'll find you

something. The wedding is still on, and that's best man talk.

Oh, no, no, no. You know, I know a lot of places. I'm the best man.

I thought Graham was your best man.

What's the limit?

You take a boat to Catalina, you get married on the way there, and then you

a reception on the way back.

And you don't even stop. You just loop right around the island. You know, Gary,

I couldn't do that. I'd throw up. You know me. I get seasick on those things.

What about the botanical garden? Oh, no. I'd throw up there.

I don't know if it's a problem or not.

Oh, here's a place. Be cremated at sea.

Gary.

That would pull everybody down, wouldn't it?

What about the botanical garden? Seriously. Honey, the botanical garden

available until May. I don't want to wait that long. Come on. Well, you're

to need that much time to notify your 17 best men.

You know, none of this would have happened at all, honey, if we'd gone to

Justice of the Peace downtown like I wanted to in the first place. Oh, so now

it's I told you so. It is not an I told you so thing, honey. You know, I bet

you're the guy who burned down that Edgewood Manor. I bet you are. You know,

would do such a thing just to prove a point. I did not do that. I hired a man.

I can't believe you're going to say that. No, no, no.

Mr. Stravely. Don't get up. Sit down. What do you do?

Sit down. Mr.

Stravely has a great idea. Brad, have a seat.

Gary, I want to talk to you now, not just as the head of the network, but as

your best man.

Eighteen. I have eighteen.

The network wants to throw you a wedding on the air.

Wow. A wedding. Wow.

A wedding on television.

Oh. That's just a beautiful, beautiful offer, Mr. Stradley.

Yeah, it is, Mr. Shavely. I don't know what to say. That's really sweet. Phoebe

and I don't know how to thank you, really. But, you know, we had really

small, intimate wedding. That's why we booked the Edgewood Manor.

You're hurting me, Gary.

Don't you think that I, of all people, would know after all this time what kind

of a wedding you two would want? Well, of course you would, Mr.

Shavely. Gary, Gary, Gary, let Mr.

Shavely speak. Just relax.

Look, what we want to do, see, is we want to recreate in the studio.

The interior of the Edgewood Manor. The interior of the Edgewood Manor. And then

marry you two in that romantic setting, surrounded by your family and your

friends. You'll be surrounded by your family and your friends.

Brad, I can hear the man. He's sitting right here.

I don't know what to say. Why don't you try saying, thank you very much, Mr.

Stravely. You've saved the day, Mr. Stravely. And then we can talk about all

different levels of love I'm feeling in this room right now.

Could you excuse us just for a second? We'll talk about it. Let us just talk

about this for just a second.

Kids.

He's got to be kidding. Honey, you know, I think we're just forgetting the

reason that we want to get married. It's because we love each other. Maybe it

doesn't matter where we get married as long as we're together.

Why don't we just go down to the justice of the peace? No, no, no.

You wanted to get married as a man.

Excuse me. Can we just have one more second, please? Absolutely. And this is

going to be...

The most similar thing to the Edgewood Manor.

What are our options? Think about it. We don't really have any options.

And it is on the same day. Same day, the same day.

Come on, honey, maybe it's meant to be.

Maybe it's meant to be.

Brad, please.

Kids, I know this is a very important decision, but you cannot keep a man like

Mr. Philip Howard Streetly waiting. Maybe we should just go down and take a

look. You want to do that? You want to take a look?

You go down, you take a look. We'll take a look. You take a look. Okay.

Okay, we'll take a look.

We've got a deal. We've got a deal. Great.

You two kids are the best. The best. I don't know, Gary.

Look, if it's not right, we'll burn it down. I'm getting the hang of it.

Oh,

Gary, you know, it's funny. I mean, I know it's just

a rehearsal and everything, but I feel so nervous. I know, me too. Do you? It's

weird.

Come on. Just so you know me.

There you are. You're late.

Come on.

Oh, sorry, Mr. Bradley. I didn't know we were... We got a rehearsal to do. Where

are we going? Through there.

Where? Through there.

Right there.

Yeah. In here? Yeah, good.

Turn right. Turn right. Right. To your right.

That's it. Just keep walking. Keep walking. We're fine. Just turn right. We

to the end of the hall. Oh. I chose it.

They didn't tell me you were this small.

You look like a little Barbie doll.

Let's go get you a little wedding dress, Gary.

Don't worry, he's a genius. Don't make me go in there.

Gary,

just walk straight in. Gary, you put on a great spread.

Hey, that's Ned Beatty.

You can't get him away from the food table.

Girls, girls, please don't twirl until I tell you to.

Gary,

you know Charles Nelson.

I'll just read you through it. No, it's about time. No, just kidding, really.

I'm not upset. You know, I'm very happy for you.

Congratulations. Oh, thanks, thanks, thanks. You see, when Phil Stradley said

me that you were getting married, I got on the phone and I said, Phil, I have to

be part of this wedding. Right. And look, Gary, here I am.

I am directing.

You're directing.

Now, what do you think? Look at these people.

What do you think of the new Edgewood Manor? Oh. Isn't it fabulous?

It looks nice. Isn't it great? Now, where is the little bride? Huh? Oh,

the wardrobe.

We're waiting, Gary. It's too late.

Phoebe, out here, please, right away with Joseph.

Okay, while we're waiting, Gary, let's run it. People, let's run it from the

top. Now, have you seen the opening number? Opening number? The opening

No, I didn't even know there was an opening. You'll be so moved. It is

Why don't you watch it right over there? All right, people, please listen. I'll

be on stage one.

Oh, what a cool show.

What's going on here?

Oh, shh, shh. Watch this, you're going to love it. What? The opening number?

Live from Sherman Oaks, the marriage capital of the world, it's Gary

all -star wedding with June Lockhart, Scott Baio, Dr. Hang S. Knorr,

the Honorable Tip O 'Neil.

Dale Evans and Billy Dee Williams.

Ladies and gentlemen, your host for the evening, Mr.

Bert Convey.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I thank you.

Thank you. You know, marriage is very much like a certain game show, I know.

People come over, they draw a picture, and everybody else sits around and tries

to figure out what that picture is in under 60 seconds.

Know what I mean?

Gary Shandling getting hitched.

His bride -to -be is not a witch.

Phoebe captured Gary's heart, and I host Win, Lose, or Draw.

Charles, Charles, hold it. Hold it, wait a minute. Charles, this is not right.

I'm not exactly a one -trick pony. I hosted Tattletales, for God's sake.

Can you believe we got him? You know, he's very busy these days behind the

camera. I can understand that. I just don't need someone announcing my

If I wanted someone announcing my wedding, I would have had someone else.

I would have had Gary.

Brad,

Brad, Brad, wait, wait, wait, excuse me.

Have you seen what's going on here? I can't go through with this. I know, I

know. Just get me out of here. I'm not doing this. Be a pro. Be a pro. Be a

Ned Beattie's doing it. He's a pro. He's a pro. There you go.

That's the difference between us.

I'm not going to do it. I want to go home.

I just want to go. Brad, I'm not. Gary, what is going on here? Why are you

looking at you? What are they doing?

I don't know. Look, we'll get through this the best we can, all right? Just be

pro. Be a pro, Gary. I'm not in show business. I don't want to be a pro.

either am I when you get down here.

Oh, hello. How are you doing? Randy Gardner. Oh, congratulations.

Nice to meet you, too. Really.

What are you guys doing here? We don't know.

We don't even have any ice. No ice? The freezer's over there. Honey, I'm telling

you what we'll do is we'll just get through this. We'll talk about it

afterwards. Congratulations, wedding couple.

You're right over there. Thank you.

Ned, Ned, we're ready for you. Ned, wake up. Ned, we're ready. Come on.

People, ladies and gentlemen, Ned Beatty.

You're right over here.

I'm your best man.

You want to do a bit with the ring?

I can't find it. It gets stuck on my finger. A bit with the ring? Ned,

just hand me the ring.

Now, let's go through this. People, get your places. Let's go through this just

like we're going to do it tonight. All right, people, please quiet. I don't

to do a bit with the ring. All right, now listen. Let's take it. Reverend, get

ready. Take it from the...

I do. In five, four people, two, three, one.

So if marriage, the bonding of two spirits which unite them as one,

is what you desire till death do you part, please say, I do.

I do.

And Gary, do you take this woman to be your lawful...

Where did why?

Will he?

Won't he?

Will he? Won't he? Will Gary take Phoebe?

Or will he get cold feet?

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Connie Stevens!

Hi, everybody!

How's his hair?

We don't care.

There's a much bigger issue pressing here.

He's a guy. A single guy.

Will he change that now or say goodbye?

Will he? Won't he?

Will he? Will he? Won't he? Will Gary take Phoebe or will he felt the phoenix?

In 1492,

Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

What Gary's thinking, we haven't a clue.

If you take Phoebe, please say I do.

Don't cry.

He's a man, a married man.

Catch a guy.

Hanling and Phoebe Bass cordially invite you to celebrate the occasion of their

wedding at the Edgewood Manor at 7 p .m.

today. Oh, this is the worst day of my life. I know.

Listen to this. Take the San Diego freeway to the Sunset Boulevard and look

the stone chimney. That's all that's left.

If you're going to Phoebe and Gary's wedding, go home. The show's over.

Gary, God, you're just torturing yourself.

I can't help it. It was awful.

Phoebe, we were at the studio.

By the way, the return has flied the affair into a public spectacle.

I mean, and I have looked forward to this day all my life.

Me too. I never met Bert Convey.

I just

wanted to bring some sun on a cloudy day.

What? What is it? I spoke to Mr. Stradley, and we worked it out. They're

going to sue.

Oh, good news. You get to keep your dignity and he gets his show. What do

mean he gets his show? What dignity?

Check it out.

Here comes the bride.

Here he's terrified.

Are they allowed to do that? They are now. I worked it out. You worked it out.

can't wait to see who plays me.

Good going.

The biggest smile you ever saw.

Working out, Brad.

We're getting married, everybody, at the Botanical Gardens in Maine.

So

did

I. So did I.

You'll see.

You'll see.

You'll see. Brad, Ian, everybody, all my best men, just get over here right now.

Please, please, please. Brad, thank you.

Nancy, maid of honor, please stand over here. Guest of honor, mom, Jackie,

please. Stand right in back of her. Honey, honey, just trust me, this is

to be great. Right here. I'll get the lights.

Leonard, would you be my best man?

It's such an honor, dear.

Okay, looks good, looks perfect.

Okay, let's see if we caught it in time.

Phoebe Bass, if marriage, the bonding of two souls with the spirit which

unites them as one, is what you desire till death.

please say, I do.

I do.

And Gary, do you take Phoebe as your lawfully wedded wife

to have and to hold, to love and to cherish till death do you part?

I do.

Let's all go celebrate.

Let's vote for Chinese on Brad.

Hey,

Dad, you're a lawyer. Was that legal? Sure, as legal as anything Gary does.

on.

I know it wasn't everything you wanted, but I did the best I could.

You know.

I love you, Pokey. I love you, Mrs.

Pokey.

Oh, wait a minute.

What?

What, there's more?

Ladies and gentlemen, sharing their first dance, Mr.

and Mrs.

Gary Shandling.