All language subtitles for its_garry_shandlings_s04e08_the_day_howard_moved_in

I am telling you, Phoebe, I looked
beautiful in this dress, and so will

But, Ruth, look at this. The sleeves
hang down like a gorilla's. My arms are

like a gorilla's? No, I didn't say your
arms were like a gorilla's. I said the

sleeves hang down. Like a gorilla's. No.

Maybe a chimp, a baboon. Come on, girl,
say what you mean. Come on, Ruth, I

think you're being a little bit
oversensitive. Oh, well, maybe I should

shrivel up and die.

Welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Welcome to the show. Nice to
see you. Really, you've come on a great

night. I'm sure when you heard the words
shrivel up and die, you said, hey,

Gary's going to be out any second.

Anyway, you've come on a really terrific
night because my mother and Phoebe have

been at each other's throat all week.
It's really a beautiful thing to see.

Really saved me. Somebody saved me.

This is the first time I've been out of
my bedroom in three days. Baba, Baba,

would you tell her that she looks pretty
in this dress? Gary, this looks

horrible, right?

Why doesn't anyone care what I wear? Let
me ask my dad.

I love being... Hey.

Maybe this is somebody who cares. Let's
hope it is.

At least they didn't interrupt my
monologue.

Hello?

Hold on. It's the florist. He wants to
know what kind of flowers you want for

the centerpieces.

Wildflowers. Lilies.

Could we call you back tomorrow?

Friday. Monday.

Okay, I'll speak to you on Friday and
Monday. How's that?

I'm sure this dress looked really
beautiful. I'm sure it did, but, you

had in mind something a little simpler.

Oh, well, of course. Sure, sure, sure.
Let's have a peasant wedding.

I can't talk to you.

Don't you leave this room. Don't leave
on my account. Oh, please, no. Oh, no.

Don't you leave because I am leaving.

Good night.

See you next time.

Sorry, but that's the last straw. I
mean, first it was the invitations, and

it's this dress.

I mean, your mother is taking all the
joy out of what is supposed to be the

happiest day of our lives. I think
you're overreacting. This will be fine.

think you just need to take a step back,
take a breath, and have a seat on the

porch. Oh, Gary, what the hell are you
talking about? You don't even have a

porch.

Honey, I have to read you a fable.

A fable? Gary, what do you think I am,
five? Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Just trust me.

I have a magic book.

It'll take me 41 seconds to find it.

This is the theme to Gary's show. The
theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up

and asked if I would write a theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you
like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the
opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the
credits.

We're almost in the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Sandling's
show.

This book really isn't that delicate. I
just had to kill time during the opening

credits.

Okay. This fable's called Howard and the
Enchanted

Port.

You've got to be kidding.

Once upon a time, in a little village
called Sherman Oaks...

There was a meeting of the condo people.

And they were having a very bad week.

Pete and Jackie Schumacher were in a
dither.

Are you nuts? You know, I got a big law
case coming up. Jackie, you're the one

who wanted to go on vacation.

Not me. I didn't want to go. Oh, not to
your brothers. God, I hate that trailer.

Would you be quiet down? I got a
headache this big. Hey, who doesn't,

Um, you're in my seat.

I don't see your name on it.

Well, it just so happens that I always
sit there, pal.

Why don't you go on a wild fling and sit
in another city, Ian?

Okay, the condo meeting's about to
begin.

Gary, you're late again.

I hope you don't run your personal life
this way.

Get off my back.

What's with Ian?

Get off my back.

Okay, any new business?

As some of you know, I have an allergy
to smoke.

So smoke tickles the little hairs inside
my nose and lungs.

My cilia.

And when Kim Moon barbecues steaks of T
-bone, the tickling gets so bad I have

to scratch it with a shrimp fork.

You take away my grill. What next? My
freedom?

Condo rules permit barbecuing in the
condo quad.

So, Mr. Guest.

You have two choices. Either close your
doors or purchase a nose plug.

I'm victorious.

American justice has been served. Well,
that's just round one.

In other business, we have a newcomer.
He's the new tenant in 6A, and his name

is Howard Sprague of Mayberry, South
Carolina.

That's North Carolina.

North Carolina, South Carolina. Excuse
the faux pas.

That's all right.

I'm just very happy to be here, and I'm
looking forward to meeting each and

every one of you. And you're all invited
to come on over to my place for some

lemonade and watch the sunset from the
front porch.

Porch? What porch?

Oh, I'm building a fine new porch on my
car. Oh, I don't think so.

No outside construction allowed here.

I'd like to put up some golden arches in
front of my house.

That means sawdust. You know what that
does to my ears?

I have allergies, too. I'll be very
careful. Oh, be careful getting off my

Okay, I'm very sorry, Howard, but Gary's
right. No outside construction is

allowed. So I won't be able to put up my
new porch. No!

Well,

so boo -hoo, so some guy doesn't get his
porch. I still don't know why you're

reading me this story. Boo -hoo, boo
-hoo. It just so happens that everyone

having a very bad day, like you and my
mother.

But then something very interesting
happened.

When the very next day, the quarrelsome
family Schumacher came a -calling on our

wise, well -trusted, well -built friend.

Palm Springs.

Too hot.

Hawaii. It's too expensive. Palm
Springs.

Too dry.

It's too humid. Gary, Gary, where do you
think we should go on vacation? Home.

Go home.

Think about it. The rates are very cheap
this time of year. Go before anyone

else finds out about it. Oh, wow. King
Solomon strikes again.

Come in. We never bring anything over.
Hi, folks. I hope I'm not interrupting

you. I'm making a pumpkin loaf and I ran
out of sugar.

Do you happen to have any, Gary?

There's sugar in the kitchen, Howard.
Thank you.

I still say Hawaii.

Well, I say Palm Springs, okay? Oh, are
you people planning a little holiday?

Well, we're trying to.

You know, the most romantic vacation I
ever heard of was the time my friend

Taylor, he was a sheriff in Naples.

Well, he had a sweetheart, Helen Crump.
She was a wonderful person. And a fine

teacher, too.

Well, they had plans for a trip to
Raleigh that fell through. And Andy

well, what the heck? Why don't we just
drive on over to Mount Pilot instead?

And they did, you know.

And because Andy and Helen had each
other, for a short while, good old Mount

Pilot was their very own little corner
of paradise.

Honey, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Me too, curly bear.

I'm sorry, Grant.

Come have some popcorn.

Well, I hope you folks have a really
fine trip.

Gary, you're a little low on sugar, so I
only took a half a cup.

Anytime, Howard. I'll see you.

I'll see you. Bye.

See you, Howard.

All right. So now everyone's happy.
Where are we going on vacation?

You're not going anywhere, mister, till
you shave off that mustache.

No way.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. You heard your
mother. Yeah, like I need a vacation,

I've got a mustache. Yeah, I'll give you
a mustache. Right around that aisle,

I'll give you a mustache.

Something else, Howard?

Oh, are you finished with your
newspaper, Gary? I haven't started to

mine yet.

Help yourself.

Oh, that's very neighborly, Gary. Sure.

There you go.

Say.

That's a mighty fine -looking mustache
you got there, young man. Oh, thanks,

mister. It's new, and I'm afraid some
people don't like it. Oh?

Yeah, well, you know, back home, some
people used to criticize my mustache,

Sheriff Taylor's Aunt Bea used to tell
me... Well, people are

less for judging others.

You know, I don't know this Aunt Bea,
but she sounds like a great woman.

Your mother and I are sorry we yelled at
you.

I'm sorry.

I love you guys. You're the best parents
a kid can have.

You guys have as much popcorn as you
like.

Well, I'll see you.

This strange man Howard seemed to have a
soothing effect on people.

So I decided to follow him and see what
made him tick.

Thanks, Howard.

Oh, thanks for everything.

Bye, kids.

Thank you, Howard.

I'm sorry, Ian.

Oh, I'm sorry too, Nancy.

You know, Howard's right. We should try
to communicate more about sex.

Otherwise, we'll end up like... Barney
and Thelma Lou.

So that's great.

All right, so Howard helps everybody,
everybody's happy, everybody loves

everybody else.

That's a very effective fable.

Yeah, it really is. What are you doing,
honey? I'm trying to feel this thing and

I'm suffocating in distress. I can
understand that, but now you have made

lose my play.

That's very bad luck in a fable.

Where was I?

Oh, I'm building a fine new porch on my
car. Oh, I don't think so.

Here, here I am.

So, I followed Howard to Lake Sherman
Oaks, the home of Big Jake, the

14 -pound trout that deluded even the
most experienced fishermen.

Hey, Gary.

Hey, Howard.

They're really biting today.

Did you bring your fishing gear?

No.

I thought maybe we'd just have a little
chat.

That's a great idea.

Hey. Care for a peppermint stick?

Hey, that's my favorite candy.

How'd you know?

Oh, I never met a young fella yet that
didn't like peppermint stage.

Mmm.

Grab one, Howard.

You know, I'm really sorry about that
condo meeting. I shouldn't have said

anything about you building that porch.

Oh, don't fret, Karen.

It'll give you wrinkles.

You really got away with people.

What's your secret, Howard?

It's funny. Everywhere I go, people ask
me, how do you do it, Howard?

Howard, what gives?

Howard, how do you make it work?

Howard, how does it happen?

And you know, when I wake up in the
morning and look in the mirror, I ask

the same question.

Howard,

how do you do it?

How do you make it work? Howard, don't
go through the whole list.

Well, anyway, there's no big secret.

You just sit back and relax.

You know, you wave at people.

They wave back.

You're merely responding to the Mayberry
and all of us.

Boy, I never met anyone like you,
Howard.

Oh, I'm nothing special.

It's the middle -aged bachelor who lived
with his mother too long and now has a

condo in Sherman Oaks.

Put her there, bro.

We've grown a lot, haven't we? I think I
got a nibble here.

Feels like a big one.

Let's line up, Howard.

This lake's only 12 feet wide, but it's
like 1 ,000 feet deep here.

Look at the size of him. Hey!

Woo -hoo!

So long, big boy.

Howard, are you nuts?

Oh, I don't like to keep them. I just
like to meet them.

Howard, but that's Big Jake.

Jake. Jake.

Come here, Jake.

As hard as I tried, Big Jake was gone.

But then, so was Howard.

Howard?

Maybe we should fly.

Oh, no, no, honey. Let's not do anything
until we talk to Howard. Right. Ask

Howard. Ask Howard.

We're here to ask Howard what kind of
sex to have.

It's very important.

Wait for Howard.

Very good.

Very good.

Okay, first item on the agenda,
replacing our trash containers. All

favor?

All right. Those opposed?

Okay, what gives?

We must wait for Howard Sprague to show
us the way.

Brian, out loud, don't you people have
minds of your own?

We don't know.

Ask Howard.

Wait for Howard.

It's Howard! Come in.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, it's fine.

Hey, it's the porch.

I, I, it's the...

It's the Mayberry and all of us. I was
just right before Howard disappeared.

Where's Howard gone?

Where's Howard gone?

Always pestering with those questions
about the making of love. Excuse me.

You're talking to Mr.

Moon that probably drove him out of
town. Father Dash? I blame Pete. Me?

married? Yes, who's married? You're
married.

Listen to me.

Listen. Listen.

You weren't nothing from Howard.
Nothing.

left that meeting with a mission, to
build that porch that Howard always

of. For I knew it would help the wayward
condo residents find the spirit of

Mayberry that lives within us all.

Because as far as I was concerned, they
learned nothing from Howard.

Nothing.

So even though Howard never came back,
the condo people learned happiness is as

close as your back porch.

Isn't that nice?

Excuse me.

I don't want to talk to anybody. I just
forgot my purse. Well, that's just fine

because nobody wants to speak to her
either.

You've learned nothing from that fable.
Nothing.

Come on, we're going to the porch right
now.

Let's go. What am I talking about,
Bubba? You'll see.

Porch.

He has snapped. He has snapped. I knew
it. I have not snapped. Believe me.

They'll know when I've snapped.

What? This is an enchanted porch? This
is it. What's so enchanting? Enchanted

and sweeping beauty. Just take a deep
breath.

Give it a chance.

It's kind of nice out here.

The porch is starting to kick in.

I'm sorry too, Phoebe.

This is your wedding.

And it should be exactly the way you and
Bubba wanted. And the important thing

is that we're going to be a family.

Phoebe, this is Howard.

What, you mean the guy in the fable? No,
Moe Howard of the Three Stooges, of

course.

The Howard.

Where have you been, Howard?

Oh, Berlin, Afghanistan, wherever I was
needed.

Hey, this is a fine new porch you all
built for me, Gary.

Bubba, aren't you going to introduce
Mother to your attractive friend?

Howard, this is my mother.

Howard Sprague. Oh, how nice to meet
you.

I'm Shantae.

Would you like to sit down?

Well,

that's our show for tonight.

Oh, for those of you who are watching
this show for course credit, let me

explain some of the symbolism.

Howard represents the goodness in us
all.

And the porch represents the goodness in
us all.

And Big Jake, well, Big Jake's just a
big red herring, but he represents the

red herring in us all.

I don't know what en jante means. You'll
have to look that up on your own.

Many happy ever afters. See you next
week.

Thank you.

No.