Original subtitles

Hey, Mrs. Kipnis, I got a nice workshop for you here.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. And welcome to the show. Gary.

I'm just going to do the opening monologue.

Okay, Eddie, you're up.

Welcome to the show.

Give me a couple of veal chops.

You got it. Welcome to the show. Oh, man.

With no more than an eighth of an inch of fat on it. Welcome to the fat. Oh, I

cannot.

I can't do an opening monologue here. Anything you say, Eddie, because you're

the guy.

No, you're the guy.

You know who that is? I think that's Eddie King.

Honey, I think that's Eddie King.

Who's Eddie King? Oh, you're cute.

Eddie King had his own variety show in the 50s, and he had that catchphrase,

You're the guy.

You're the guy?

You're the guy. Yeah, sure.

Just like Marty Allen had, Hello there. And Jackie Gleason had, Away we go.

And Jerry Lewis says, Because of Eddie King, people used to walk around saying,

You're the guy. You're the guy. Really?

For those of you who don't watch Star Search, that's my butcher.

he got past the first audition.

Excuse me, Mr. King?

Yes? Hi, I'm Gary Shanley. Sure, I know who you are. Nice to meet you, Gary. Oh,

thank you. It's nice to meet you. You're the guy.

How's my hair?

Oh, wow.

You're the guy.

How's my hair?

You're the guy.

Well, it's coincidental. But I was talking to someone about you just the

day. Who's that? Brad Brillnick is your man, right? Oh, yeah. Brad is a great

guy. I hear that he's great, and I hear he's done very well by you, right?

Terrific. He's terrific. Eddie, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Phoebe.

Phoebe, this is Eddie King. Hi. It's very nice to meet you. Likewise.

Here's your order, Eddie.

Thanks, Richard.

Nice to meet you. Number six. It's an honor meeting you, Eddie. You're one of

the reasons I do comedy.

Gary, it's nice of you to say that.

Maybe we'll get together sometime and talk shop a little.

Well, I'd love that.

Then why don't we do it?

Really? Any time.

Hey, what are you doing Saturday night?

Saturday? Do we have anything on Saturday? Well, it's Pete's birthday.

Hey, we're free.

Then it's a date.

You'll come over to the house. You'll meet the wife. We'll have some dinner.

Have a few laughs. We'll make a little party.

Oh, and if you want to bring this guy Brad along, bring him along.

That's great. I'm sure he'd love to come.

7 .30.

See, Eddie?

Excuse me just a second, honey.

Welcome to the show.

This is going to be exciting. You know what?

Number seven.

Number seven. I cannot do my monologue. Honey, could I have this? Because can we

go somewhere else to do the opening monologue? I can't do it here. Please.

And we don't want to eat here. None of this stuff's going to cook up, right?

Here. You at home. Here's the number seven.

Here, take this and you can do your shopping.

Can I have a watch on?

All right.

Maybe not. You have 41 seconds to shop during the opening theme, and I'll see

you Saturday night.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

This is my fifth watch of the season.

Please don't steal this one.

Hi, Gare.

Phoebe. Mrs. S. Oh, hello, Leonard. Hi, Leonard.

We'll say a word in the quad as you're having dinner at Sid Caesar's.

No, Leonard, it's not Sid. It's Eddie King.

Are you sure? Yeah, of course I'm sure.

Well, now, the boys in the quad are usually right about things like this,

I think we know where we're eating dinner.

All right, all right. But if it turns out to be the wrong place, just act like

you belong. It works every time.

Not working now. You're not fooling anybody, Len.

That must be Brad. Come on in, Brad.

All right, let's get this over with. The sooner we get there, the sooner we can

leave. Brad, that's a horrible attitude. This is going to be fun.

Eddie's a legend. I'm looking forward to this. Let me see if I can understand

this. You meet this legend in a butcher shop.

He invites you and your girlfriend, and he just happens to invite your manager

over to his house for dinner. So? Why not bring your mother? Why not bring

condo guy?

No can do, Brad. I'm booked through the holidays.

How come I'm not booked through the holidays?

The answer is so obvious, but I'll explain it to you anyway.

First of all, during the holidays, I feel a man should be surrounded by the

people who love him most.

Namely, his family and friends. Not sitting in a motel room, tossing cards

a hat and saying, what happened to my life? What happened to my life? Gary, as

long as I'm your manager, your holidays will be filled with love and joy. I'll

wait in the car.

I'd buy that every time. Let's go, honey.

See you guys later.

Boy, it's something, Eddie. You got every kind of award I've ever seen here.

the cover of Time magazine?

Time and Newsweek and TV Guide.

Four times on TV Guide. Four times. Four times.

Have you ever been on any magazine covers, Gary?

Oh, no, Eddie.

Once I saw my name on one of those little address labels on the front of

cover, but that's about it. I still got excited. I said, hey, I'm on the cover.

I told my mom to buy the issue, but it was her name on there, so... I didn't

know you were involved, Phil. That's because you're a little baby.

She sure is, Eddie.

There are very few things I haven't done in this business.

Brad, do you remember Lock, Shaw, and Shane?

Lock, Shaw, and Shane. Lock, Shaw, and Shane. They did a balancing act with a

chair. Oh, win a prize.

That's right.

They gave me my start.

Oh, yeah.

They were a husband and wife pact in vaudeville.

Lockjaw and Shane.

Hysterical. Just hysterical.

Lockjaw would take an armchair, like this one, and he would balance it on his

face.

And his wife would sit in the chair and speak to her mother on the phone.

Screams like you never heard before.

Really? The audience would scream so hard. And then they'd have to walk home.

They'd have to walk home doubled over.

Who's that, King?

Lockjaw and Shane.

Oh, they weren't that funny. God.

Hey.

How come you got all the fingerprints on my brains? I just cleaned.

That's all she does is clean.

At least I'm active.

Here, milk time.

Oh, no, thanks. I don't drink.

Oh, come on. It's a short one.

Come on. Live it up.

Okay. I love Manhattans.

Looking at these pictures reminds me that life goes by like that. Yeah.

Remember that, Gary? Oh, I know where you're coming from.

My life is going by like that.

Beautiful home, Mrs. King.

Claire. Best investment I ever made. I couldn't buy it now.

Listen to me.

Are you saving your money?

Eddie, Eddie, I get as many free meals like this as I can.

Listen to me, kid. Don't make light of this. I'm sorry. You know, you're riding

high now, but I've been there. Right. And you've got to get it while it's out

there because it's not going to be out there forever.

Because if you think people are sitting home thinking, what can I do for Gary

Shanley? You are gravely mistaken, my friend. I know, Eddie.

People are home changing the channel right now. They forget.

They forget. You see these guys?

These were my writers.

I gave them their break. I put them on the map. But am I in their plays or

movies or their TV shows?

That's because you fired them, King.

What difference does that make?

If I was hot, they wouldn't have such long memories.

Brad knows.

Brad, would you tell him? Tell him how we are basically whores?

Absolutely.

What kind of thing is that to say? Having fun with the legend, Gary?

I'm playing.

Let's do it.

I am hungry.

Come on, Brad.

Don't let the expression on my face fool you. I'm having the time of my life.

Come on, Brad. Come on.

You okay?

Yeah, well, I've had better days. How are you? Well, I'm okay. I'm afraid. I'm

very afraid. Where the hell are they? It's getting cold.

Oh, boy. If they ask us to sleep over, just fake it.

I never saw anything like it. One of the great ladies. One of the great

performances. Who are you talking about?

Miss Pearlie Blankman.

Do you remember her songs, Gary?

Uh, actually, yeah.

Pour a pickle in your pumpkin stick, it in your lover's heart. Scooby -dooby

-dooby -dooby -dooby -da.

Oh, yeah. Right. I love that song. I remember that. It was a wonderful song,

wasn't it?

Anyway, they booked her last month at the Hotel Crane in Westwood. Great

Yeah.

Everyone shows up to see her. And I mean everyone. Us, Rosemary, everyone.

When Pearlie closed with See You in the Depot, there wasn't a dry eye in the

house. It wasn't See You in the Depot.

People don't know from great singing these songs. No, they don't. It's

lot, Eddie. It wasn't See You in the Depot.

Yes, it was.

No, it was Down by My T -Bird.

Down by my T -Bird. This little love.

You're the guy.

You have to throw him a bone every once in a while.

Oh, come on, doll. Give me a plate.

Oh, I couldn't. Oh, honey, have some. Yeah, have some. Gary.

Gary. Do you know what the funniest number is?

What? Two hundred sixty -seven.

Two sixty -seven. Really?

Two hundred sixty -seven.

You would have guessed much higher.

The King of the Mountain, starring Eddie King and all the King's men. Brad,

ask me how many of these shows I've done. Okay, Eddie, how many of these

have you done?

Two hundred and sixty -four.

Summary, Pat.

Eisenhower, Khrushchev, Washington, D .C.

What a week! With weeks like this, who needs months?

I was down in Washington, D .C. this last week. Oh, yeah.

Mr. Eisenhower called me up. He said, Eddie, I need somebody to meet with Mr.

Khrushchev before I meet with him. You know, someone to charm him and warm him

up. And, Eddie, you're the guy.

I said, I?

Why am I the guy?

This guy's Russian. He's got Sputnik. He's got guns. He's got Siberia.

No, you're the president.

You're the guy.

Very good.

Very good. That's something, huh?

It's amazing how this stuff still holds up. It's cold.

King. Yeah. This is great.

You got soup on your chin right here.

Now, that is smart political satire. Yeah.

Let me show you something. Yeah. Let me show you something.

Remember Chaplin's Little Tramp? I sure do, Eddie. Now, get a load of this sad

sack. This is the guy who came and left in that famous chariot race.

Ben Hurt.

How are we up here?

with love. Right, Brad?

Right, Eddie.

Brad, do you remember the sombrero shuffle?

Of course you do. I really don't. Of course you do.

Aye, aye, aye, aye.

Where are my eyes?

You say it's the sea, but I cannot see.

So tell me what's going on outside.

sleep and talking to myself in my sleep, it can only mean I'm going to have a

nightmare about something to do about Eddie King, something to do with the

story. Oh, oh.

Thank you.

Thank you and welcome to the show.

We're going to have a... Really exciting show tonight because tonight, in this

show, I'm going to visit Pete's grave.

I guess I better get ready. Now, how's my hair?

Where is my hair?

Where's my hair?

If I told you once, I've told you 267 times.

Gray shirt, gray hair, you stupid cow.

I'm a cow.

I better get my bail.

Well, I have to do everything.

Well, I guess I'll... I guess I'll polish my picture frames under the

the opening credits.

Why don't you go?

That was yours.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. The theme to Gary's show. The theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's... Either Phoebe was doing

sit -ups or she saw the same nightmare I just did.

That was weird.

That was horrible. Did you see that, honey? Did you have a nightmare?

I had this... Did you have that? You called me a cow. A stupid cow. Is that

one you saw?

What are we going to do? I don't want to be like that when I get older. Oh, no,

you're not going to be like that.

What if I am? What if it's my destiny to be like that? No, no, no. That dream,

it just represents our fears, our worst fears. We just have to deal with that.

Well, not right now. We can't deal with it now because they're doing a show in

there. That's professional courtesy.

What am I talking about?

They're in the living room now doing the show.

I'm not kidding. They're in that living room right now.

That's what happened. They're in there. They're in there. They're in there.

They're in there right now.

I'll show you. Come on. That's what happens when I have a real bad dream.

Come on. Let's go. Come on. I'll show you. They're in there.

They're in there.

Come on.

Welcome to my nightmare.

Don't worry. My fly is sewn shut. It's a family show.

I told you.

I told you.

What are you, crazy?

I mean, a kid is a great responsibility.

I mean, I don't think I'm ready to make that kind of commitment.

But, honey, how about my biological clock?

Oh, boy, this dream is getting scarier and scarier, Gary. I'll say, look at his

hair. Who are you?

What are you doing in here? Get the hell out of here. I'm Gary and this is

Phoebe. Yeah, well, that's a great guy. Get the hell out of here. I'm a younger

you. I'm younger you. I'm you and I'm younger.

That's what I'm trying to say. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, maybe five years ago, but

that don't prove nothing.

Okay, listen.

Remember when we were in high school and we got beaten up by the high school,

the girls' high school field hockey team? Remember how they just beat the

out of us? I know.

Remember that? How'd you know that? I never told anybody. I never did either.

never told anybody.

Oh, shut up. They were big girls.

They were very big girls.

Oh, remember that one that was like... Remember that night we spent with Chad

and Jeremy?

Backstage, Fillmore East.

They're us.

State your business.

Well, it just came out for me to tell you that...

I'm not going to be like you when I get older.

That's all. Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's right. I can see it in your eyes right

You're on your way, my friend. I am not on my way. I can see the bitterness in

your eyes. You're seeing my contact lenses as well.

Everybody knows it but you. No, that's not true.

That's not true.

I'm not going to be angry. I would never talk to Phoebe that way. When I get

older, I will never talk to you that way. I'll never be angry.

And you've shown me a side of myself that I'm never going to become.

So basically, you don't exist.

I'll tell you.

I have more to tell him. Where did he go?

I have more things I wanted to say to him. I was going to say, talk to him

a lot of different things.

All right.

Three at last.

Come on, link her to the cornfield. Then we can go back.

Maybe you better go now.

Do I have to?

I think it's best, yeah.

I guess I'm ancient history.

I'll be seeing you before you know it.

How long has she been gone? Was I kissing her long after she was gone?

really embarrassing.

I used to do that in high school.

Very embarrassing.

Come on, let's go talk about this Fillmore East thing now.

That was amazing. What a strange dream.

Well, it sure was. Everyone had their clothes on. I've never had one like

But, Gary, do all your dreams come to life like that?

Only if it behooves the show.

And, you know, speaking of the show, I thought we had a really good one. I

you know, we went through a lot together.

Boy, I'll say.

This is a very serious relationship.

Yes, Gary, this is a very serious relationship.

No, I mean, you know, a really serious relationship.

It is a really serious relationship. You've got to remember we saw ourselves

married in the future. I'm well aware of that. So it must be really serious.

Gary, it is. It's a very, very, very serious relationship. Now, can we go to

sleep?

It's late.

Well, I tell you what, I'm just going to do my opening monologue, and then I'll

go to sleep.

Your opening monologue? Yeah, remember, I didn't get to finish it in the butcher

shop. And if I don't do an opening monologue, I get a lot of letters.

And I'm so up anyway, so this will be great.

Well, you have a good one. I'm going to go to sleep, okay? Should I turn out the

light?

No, yeah, you can turn out the light. I'll use my monologue helmet.

Well, that's fine, but just don't forget to turn it off because, you know, when

you're done, you know, you don't want to burn the place down.

No, I'm okay.

Good night. Good night, honey.

Sleep well.

Thanks.

Well, welcome to the show.

This is going to be a really good one because this is the one where...

I meet Eddie King, and then we go to his house.

And what we're going to do is after we go to the butcher shop... After

we go to the butcher shop, I'm going to actually... Then we're going to go to

the car wash, and then we're going to get...

We'll

go clothes shopping after that.

Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Shanley Show.