Original subtitles

Welcome to tonight's show. You know, my girlfriend Phoebe and I are here at this

awards banquet because she wanted a big night out on the town, and I treat her

really well.

Oh, she's having the time of her life, really. Trust me on this.

Anyway, the awards banquet is for Grant Schumacher's high school football team.

They had a great year. They went 6 -4.

Better than that, they won the coin flip every game.

Good evening and welcome.

I wasn't quite sure how to open this year's banquet, so I figured heads would

have a silent prayer and tails would sing the school fight song.

It's tails.

Hey, the street continues.

You all remember former wide receiver Joe Rivera?

Most valuable conference in 1985. He will now lead the inspirational team

song.

We are the L .A.

Conquerors, the famous L .A. Conquerors. We are the team that plays football and

scores lots of touchdowns. We're halfway through the game. How do you like it so

far? How do you like those L .A. Conquerors?

None of us are geeks or nerds This is the fight song that we sing When we go

ball games We're almost to the part The ref will blow his whistle And we'll play

a game and then go home

Now you know who I stole the theme song from.

It was between this high school and Notre Dame University. But then, of

my theme song would have gone something like this.

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show.

Gary called me a fantastic.

I would write his theme song. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

One more time.

It's better than his.

Will you shut up?

You shut up.

Anyway, listen.

Before, uh... The ceremonies begin.

The ceremonies have begun. Will you shut up, idiot?

You shut up.

Listen.

He's an idiot.

Before they begin, I actually have a really important story to tell you about

Grant. Well, okay, maybe we should just do it in flashback. That way, it'll

probably be more interesting and it'll keep this guy off my back.

Okay? So, let's just get going.

About a week ago.

Nancy, is that a new sweater?

Uh -huh. That's right.

It's pretty.

Thanks. Thank you.

Ian, did you buy that sweater for Nancy?

How'd you guess?

Nancy doesn't like it when I buy clothing for her. That's not it. That's

at all. And you know it. Ian doesn't like the way I dress.

So I come home today and I find half my wardrobe out in that red bin out back.

Wouldn't that bother you?

I don't think I want to get involved in this one.

Nancy, I love you.

Can I have those earrings?

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Pete. Come on, let's go. We've got great seats. We don't want to be late.

Yeah, we have the same seats Jack Nicholson would have if he went to a

school football game.

Harry, come on. Are you ready?

I'm all set.

You know, I don't even know why we're going to the game. Grant may not play.

didn't even make the team last year. Let's just be supportive.

Hey, I haven't seen that scarf before. Oh, yeah, it's brand new. I found it in

big red bin out back.

Conqueror Stadium, Los Angeles, California.

After a first half fraught with missed opportunities, the whistle blew for the

third quarter, and the Mustangs of Hillcrest High started their inexorable

to an undefeated season.

No stranger to inexorable marches, A frustrated

conqueror's coach, London, turns to an unknown third -string linebacker, hoping

he can stop the thundering herd.

Whoa, whoa, he stopped, oh my, by 52.

Who's number 52?

52.

That's right, he stopped behind the line by 52.

Who's 52?

52.

This unheralded, haloed hunter hovers, hits, and hurts.

Anybody know who 52 is? Please!

52! No, he's 51! 52!

The seconds ticked away, ending the Mustang's undefeated season.

52, a great year for Eisenhower, and a great number for Grant Schumacher.

Hail the conqueror hero.

That was unbelievable.

Game? I had no idea. I was really impressed because, I mean, an 87 -yard

interception, that was amazing. That was unbelievable.

And, hey, who do you think paid for that announcer?

That's right.

Hey, son, show them your helmet.

I'm entertaining.

You show them. Okay. Every time anyone has a good game, they stick a decal on

it. Is that right, son?

Blah, blah, blah.

It takes them a little time to wind down, Gary. Yeah, no, I can understand

Grant, can I feel your arm again?

Sure, babe.

Solid oak.

Wow, it gets bigger every day.

What happened to your wall there, Pete?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, Grant put his fist right through it, Gary.

Pete. You're kidding.

Yeah.

Grant's been so aggressive since he started playing football.

He did that because we were out of ketchup.

Oh, come on, honey. She doesn't understand why a kid gets so upset about

ketchup. Oh, no, no, no, no. I once beat the pulp out of my mother because we

were out of... It was mustard, I think.

Grant, Grant, wake up. You promised you were going to carry me home. Oh, Cindy,

Cindy, let him sleep.

He's earned it.

Gary, Grant put five inches on his chest in the last three months. He's busting

out of his shirt.

Really?

You know, my mother actually once beat me up because we were out of chutney.

So great to be out of there. I felt so trapped.

Ketchup? Can you believe he put a hole in the wall because of ketchup?

Oh, brother, I'm telling you, if we ever have him over, you've got to make sure

you have all the condiments because I don't want to take any chances at all

this kid.

What are you doing?

I'm looking up something in your medical encyclopedia.

What are you looking up? I feel okay.

I know. I think Grant might be taking steroids.

Really? Yeah.

Why? Well, I say that because I went out with a football player once, and he was

taking steroids.

Yeah. And Grant's behavior tonight reminded me a lot of his.

Really? Listen to this.

Increased hostility and aggressiveness. Right.

Anxiety.

Sudden fatigue.

Oh, yeah, he fell asleep there at the end. That's right, yeah, deepened void.

Well, it's definitely deeper than last season. And an increase in testosterone

that results in a permanent erection.

Did any of you notice that?

It doesn't really say that, does it?

Come on, Gary, you highlighted it.

Hey.

No, no, that's not... I got this book used. Some other pervert must have done

it, really.

This is serious. I mean, he could really be hurting himself. Look at this.

Look what this stuff does.

Steroids can cause liver failure, gallstones, and cardiovascular damage.

Yeah, I mean, my boyfriend really got screwed up on that stuff.

Really? But, you know, we really need more proof, because, you know, even I

one of these symptoms.

Really? Which one?

I have a permanent... I have permanent fatigue.

I think we should call his parents.

I don't know. I think we need to be really sure because otherwise we'd be

scaring them for nothing. But I really think it's the chance we have to take.

Oh, I don't want it. Don't make me go over there. If he makes Grant lift me up

one more time...

I got to get her out of the room. Could you do me a favor?

Oh, Bruce Jarko, you're always watching. And Winnetka, Illinois, could you call

the house for me and ask for Phoebe?

And then I'll tell her that the call's for her. Could you do that?

Thanks a lot.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, she's right here.

Yeah. Oh, it's for you.

You want to get it in the bedroom?

That'd be great, because then you'll have a little privacy.

Okay. Thanks, Bruce. I owe you one.

I didn't want Phoebe to see this.

This is my fly hat.

It allows me to become a common housefly, and then I can become a fly on

wall, and just like I can spy on anyone.

Really. I can stick to the ceiling. I can stick to the floor. I can stick to

just anywhere I want to stick.

I've seen everything I know where Elvis is You don't believe me? Watch this now

Hi Fly

Strangest phone call. Some creepy -sounding guy who I never heard of just

up and asked me out.

Oh, Bruce Jarko, Winnick, Illinois.

You know him? No, he's bad news. You know, he doesn't sit around and watch

Gary's shows.

Where is Gary?

Phoebe, I think we better have a little talk.

Now, boys, I can't overemphasize the importance of our final game. If we win,

we'll be six and four, and you can't do much better than that. Yeah!

Let's get it! man hit those showers, huh?

dragging it out on the field. Yeah.

You want to go pump some iron?

No, man.

I'm too tired. I need my vitamin F.

Grant, I don't think it's such a good idea.

Man, leave me alone. I'm hungry.

You're a wild man.

Hey.

Hey, I gotta stop, Grant.

I mean...

the hair on that fly.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Okay, so now I had proof, right? So I wanted to tell Pete and Jackie.

And, uh, Phoebe says, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's talk to the boy first.

So I figured, okay.

Can I have your chicken?

No.

The drumstick is okay if I have it.

No, it's my drumstick.

You're not eating it.

It can be used for things other than eating.

It can be a microphone. Hello.

Hello. It can be a baton.

Hello. Hello.

It could be even a barbell.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, shut up. You shut up.

It can also be used to make those wavy lines on your TV.

Grant, you're a smart kid. I thought you knew better than to get involved with

stuff like this. But you'll get off my back, man.

If you want to nag someone, have your own kids.

We're not nagging you, Grant. We just want you to know the fact. That's right.

Hey, look.

I've got a girlfriend.

My dad's proud of me. And check out this bod.

Now those, those are the facts, Jack.

Hey, her name's not Jack. It's Phoebe, okay?

And second of all, you know, you didn't earn this stuff. It's all a sham. It

would be like, like if I had...

A warm -up comedian come out to talk to the audience before I came in.

I mean, is that how you want to live your life?

Okay. It's seen the error of my ways.

You guys have changed my life.

See you later.

Hey, hey, sit down. Sit down.

You know, this kid needs a beating, and I'm going to give it to him.

Let me handle this, okay?

Grant, listen, I had a boyfriend once who took steroids. That's right. Now, he

was young and strong and handsome, just like you, a real vital guy. That's

right. Now he's confined to a wheelchair, and he needs a liver

That's right.

And he has a permanent heart condition.

I was going to say heart condition. Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't know that's what you were going to say.

Grant, are you willing to pay that price?

Well, I guess it depends how many good years he has. Okay, you make your own

decisions. You're the guy who has to live with the consequences.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I gotta go.

You know, I'm telling you that kid, he needs a beating.

And I'm going to call his parents right now and let them beat him. I don't think

you should call his parents.

What do you mean?

Before you said I should call his parents. Now I'm going to call his

No, I know, but just let him think about it for a day or so.

Oh, I don't know when to call his parents.

When do I call his parents?

Hey, Phil.

No, I can't today.

And that's the end of the story, okay?

Thank God.

And now, for our Spanish -speaking viewers, hola, yo soy Gary

Shanling.

Bienvenidos al show.

You're crying out loud.

And now to present the award for the most inspirational player, Mr. Fred

Wozniak. Fred was a promising young quarterback back in 1964 when half our

was sidelined with the flu.

But Fred refused to give up.

In fact, if you look up the word quit in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of

everyone in the world but Fred.

Fred went out to play quarterback even though he had no one to block for him.

As a result, he was sacked.

527 times a record to this day.

Fred received many, many injuries that day, which is why if you look in the

encyclopedia of pro football players, you won't see a picture of Fred there

either.

But he'll always have a place in our hearts.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Fred Wozniak.

Why? What was I thinking?

The only fleeting pleasure I get is handing out awards like this.

Oh, brother, I'm glad I don't have a hat that turns me into this guy.

Shut up.

You shut up.

Gary, that's Fred Wozniak.

You didn't date him, did you?

It gives me great pleasure to present the Los Angeles Conqueror's most

inspirational player, the next me, Fred Wozniak, Grant

Schumacher.

Wow.

Thank you very much.

accept this award the only ones i'm an inspiration to are cattle that bulk up

the same way i did i should have never taken steroids

i don't want to end up like phoebe's boyfriend stuck in a wheelchair with no

liver and a heart condition

Bit of the fiddle.

I'm fine.

If anyone really deserves this award, it's Ted Phillips.

Sure, he never played it down, but he never took steroids either.

Sorry, Mom.

Sorry, Dad.

We'll have a long talk when we get home. Sit down.

Sit down.

I'm sorry. I can't accept this award either.

The only reason why I never took steroids was because I was strung out on

all season.

If you ask me, the guy who really deserves this award is our tight end,

Johnson.

Sorry, but I can't accept this award either.

I don't even live in the district.

I've been using a phony address for the past three years.

But I nominate our center, Mark Lester.

Oh, this is going to be a very long night. I have a feeling.

This team is more corrupt than the Chicago Black Sox.

Well, I didn't win any awards tonight, but I found all these scarves and this

big red bin out back.

I'm telling you.

It's a gold mine. You ought to check behind your house. Maybe there's a big

bin.

Well, Gary, let me see if I got this straight.

Okay. You put this hat on, and you turn into a giant fly. Well, not a giant fly.

A little house fly. Why would you want to turn into a giant fly? Now, that

be stupid.

Okay. And that's your dream hat, right? You put that on, and you see people's

dreams. Right.

That's right. I see people's dreams. And these winged shoes.

Right.

Allow me to move.

Move at the speed of sound, right? That's right.

That's right.

That's right. That's exactly right. So, Gary, why do you need any of these

things? Well, you know, because sometimes during my show when it's not

can just resort to one of these things and I get a big laugh.

A big cheap laugh, but nevertheless a big laugh.

So, why? Do you think these are silly? I mean, sometimes during a lull, it'll

pull it right out. They're not too silly, are they? No, they're not too...

mean, no. If there's a lull, no, I think... Right.

Like now?

Oh, come on. This isn't a lull.

Oh, I've had lulls where just the bottom drops out and...

Give

me

the shoes, baby.

Speed of sound.

Wait till you see the left. You want a sandwich or something?

Yeah, I really would like a sandwich. Yeah, what do you want? Just tell me.

Ham and cheese on rye with a lettuce and tomato and mayonnaise and mustard.

Great. You got it. Stay right there. You won't believe this.

Okay, great. Thanks.

just kidding around.

Did you hear that boom?

I'll tell you, the neighbors will be complaining. They'll say, he's got his

shoes on again.

See that laugh? You ever heard a laugh like that in your life?

I bet it won't die down too well after the theme is over.

Good night, everybody. See you next week.

Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Shannon show.