Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot. Welcome to the show, really. Obviously, you guys really get

lot.

You know, you've come up... Oh, brother, that's something just the studio

audience and I share.

Welcome to the show. You at home, you've come on a very special night.

Because tonight's the night when Phoebe and I are going to hang all the plants

here in my beautiful apartment. Because, as you're probably guessing, Phoebe

likes everything in this apartment well hung.

Yeah, I know. No, it's a cheap, senseless, tasteless joke. I saw it in

with Children.

I figured, hey, I'm going to give it a shot here. What the heck?

Gary. Sorry, honey. Come over here and bring me that big, big hammer of yours.

Thank you very much.

He was watching Married with Children with me.

Gary, you're going to have to hang this. You're taller than I am. I just can't

reach it.

Oh, all right.

You want me to get that for you? Yeah, please.

Really? Yeah. Okay.

If you can just...

You know, it really doesn't look bad right there.

No. Come on, it looks nice there. Believe me, scary, it's going to look

there. This could be too high. It might not get enough oxygen. Way up there, you

know.

All right, okay.

That'd be great, really.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Okay.

Okay. Here.

Huh?

Now that looks nice right there.

Now, Bubba.

Don't call me Bubba. Don't talk to me like my mom.

I don't even like when my mom talks to me like my mom.

Okay? Okay? You got it?

Yeah.

Okay.

You're getting smaller.

Gary, what's wrong? You all right?

Nothing. I just got a little dizzy right before the opening theme.

I get so excited with anticipation.

It'll pass in 41 seconds.

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary's Sandling show.

Oh, I feel better already.

Are you afraid of heights? Afraid of heights?

No. I feel great.

I just like to hold your head every now and then.

Oh, hey, this is Schumacher.

Hey, you guys. Hi, Phoebe. Hey.

Does this help, honey?

Does what help? What's going on?

We're worried about Grant. He hasn't said a word in three days. You're

What happened to him? Well, his best friend Ross tried to hack up his parents

with a machete.

Boy, his best friend.

It was horrible.

Fortunately, a mailman happened by and distracted Ross long enough for his

father to grab the knife.

Oh, boy.

Lucky it didn't happen on a legal holiday.

When Grant heard, well, he's been like this ever since. So the doctor suggested

that we take him around to people he knows and maybe he'll snap out of it.

on, Gary, help him out. Oh, I'll give it a try. This is horrible.

Yeah. Grant?

Come on, Grant.

Hey, boy, come on.

Speak.

Speak. Oh, I don't think he will this time, Gary. Why would his friend do

something like that to his parents? Well, they think it has something to do

Nathan's sheer madness.

What's that? Oh, it's a TV show, isn't it? Yeah, it's a big hit with the kids.

It starts with a crazy gardener named Nathan. Oh, some gardener. He doesn't

weeds. He chops people. It's unbelievable.

Gary, the worst thing is he's on your network. He comes on right after you.

Yeah, but people see you.

People see you, and then they turn around and watch that crap.

Shame on you.

That's awful.

And shame on Pete for saying crap on my show.

We were thinking that since this show is on your network, maybe you could talk

to somebody and tell them how concerned parents are. If it's as bad as you say

it is, we'll watch it tonight.

Thanks, pal.

I'm really sorry.

I guess, meantime, we should just take him over to Leonard Smith and see if

snaps him out of it.

Yeah. Good luck. Let's go.

I'm really sorry.

Oh.

Wait.

Oh.

so close to saying something. I think I know what he was going to say, too. He

was going to say, Bye, Uncle Gary. I love you and respect your humor very

He always says that when he's in a stupor. Come on.

If Nathan Sheer Madness is on after my show, let's just sit here and wait for

to come on. That's a good idea. Yeah, we really should.

How much longer is this going to go on, do you think? Forever. This is going on

forever.

You know, this really isn't... This show really isn't taking off, is it? Why

don't we... Why don't I just put everybody out of their misery by saying

night, everybody, and I'll see you next week.

Don't you hate stiletta?

You know me.

I live in your darkest fears.

I am the evil inside us.

Joey, eat your peas.

Mom, I hate peas. Don't talk back to your mother. Now eat your peas.

Uh -oh.

Oh, Joey.

I'm over here.

Don't you just hate your parents?

I'd rather see your mother like this.

Where the heck do you get a recipe like that?

What are you waiting for?

Right now, during dinner?

Well, if you don't do it now, you're going to have to eat those peas.

I'll show you how.

It's fun.

Oh, I hate this kind of stuff.

Oh, no.

Joey,

what are you doing? Put down that knife.

That's how children feel about it. Oh, that's awful.

This kind of thing should not be on television.

I'm going to talk to Mr.

Strangely tomorrow at the network.

You know, I'm going to call Jackie. We should protest this. We should write

letters to the network. Can I put something else on, please?

Oh, that was awesome.

I'll shake this off.

We now return to A Farewell to Arms.

Rachel, no, no, no, no.

No, no,

no. It doesn't work that way.

Rachel, Rachel, I'll listen to you. But just listen, listen. Okay, okay.

Well, I'm here in Mr. Straley's office, the head of the network. You know, I'm

going to talk to him about this sheer madness thing. I haven't been here in

about six months since I told him my new idea for a network slogan, TV, plug it

in. What do you think?

I think it's great.

Anyway, I really wish I could have found that arm because it would really help

my presentation be more colorful.

All right, Rachel, here's my response. No statement.

Right. These people are a bunch of lunatics, and I don't want to dignify

giving them a statement.

Yeah, no statement.

Right. Yeah, bye. Talk to you.

Hey, Mr. Shravely. I just wanted to talk to you about the show that's on after

mine. Chandling, do you get some kind of pleasure by giving me pain?

Because I have some news for you, Gary. How would you like it?

Verbal or visual?

Verbal. Great.

Your girlfriend, Phoebe, is embarrassing this network. What are you talking

about? Oh.

You need visual, too. Come here.

Over to the window, Gary. I have no idea what you're talking about. Come, come.

Join me at the window. Join you at the window. You know, this is the kind of

window, by the way, that Nathan would shove someone out of. You should take a

good look at that.

What is that?

I, uh, I've never seen that billboard before. I don't like it. Look, it looks

like Nathan doesn't like me. No, no.

It's a sitting billboard. Gary, look who's marching in front of the

Gary. No, I can't see that far.

Well, let me wipe my finger binoculars.

No, I didn't. Oh, wait. Oh, here they are.

Oh, boy. Do you want to take a look? No.

I didn't know Phoebe was... I knew she was upset about the show. I didn't know

she was going to do that. I really didn't.

Phil, babe.

Nathan. I feel ambushed. Nathan, listen to me. Now, I want you to understand

that this public display has nothing whatsoever to do with the views of this

network. Absolutely nothing. Gary, lower those blinds.

Sit down.

Phil, Phil, I appreciate your saying that, but can you imagine how I felt?

sitting home, I'm discussing holiday plans with my mom, and on TV I see

good people, protesting, saying terrible things about my show.

And then I find out that one of the leaders of the protest is his

What was it?

Some kind of joke or a publicity stunt. I didn't... I'm stunned. I'm numb. I

don't know what... You know, Nathan, I think I can explain this a little bit.

You see, we had a friend... Nathan, I don't need your... Bill, Bill, Bill.

let the man speak. Thank you.

Thank you.

Nate, may I call you Nate? Sure. Nate, you know, our friends of ours were

visiting us last night, and they said one of the little boys in the

attacked his parents with a machete after watching one of your shows.

What? This is upsetting.

Well, I think you can understand.

Why, Phoebe. Gary, say no more. The kid was nuts!

Shut up!

Absolutely nothing.

I'm absolutely sure. Listen, I'm going to put an end to this. I'm going to put

an end to this right now, and then we can get back to doing what we do best.

Making hit shows.

Philip, touched?

No, I'm touched. I'm gratified. No, I'm gratified.

They're going to kiss. I know it. Just don't cry.

Thank you for being a part of our network family.

Wow. Our network family.

Wow.

Mr. Straywood.

Nathan, you know, who knew that a little protest like that would end up on

television? You know what I mean? Those news people, they're everywhere. But

Phoebe has a mind of her own.

Nathan, what are you going to do? She's over 21.

There was an election last week. You know what she did? Listen to this. She

didn't know if you're going to vote Republican or Democrat. She said, I'm

independent.

That's Phoebe.

And I'm Nathan.

And I'm going to make your little Phoebe pay.

What do you mean, Nate?

Because she made me have a bad day and Nathan doesn't like bad days. Well, no,

can understand that, Nate. Why, you know, 24 hours is a long time to be bad.

can... Hello?

Come on, Nathan. Notice what it does. It looks very sharp.

What are those, gardening scissors? What do you need those for? Come on, cut it

out. Because, Gary, this is my garden, and I'm trimming my weeds one by one.

Great.

Okay, well, cut it out. Nice. Cut it.

Oh.

Mr. Strangley, you should see what Nathan did.

Bravo, bravo, Gary.

Gary and I were just talking about the ballet, and like a bird, he did the

jeté right onto the desk.

Oh, boy. If grand jeté means throw up in French, he's right.

think this letter writing campaign is going to work either. Why not? It is

to work. Well, it's not worth the risk. I'm telling you, the man is nuts.

Nathan is Nathan.

He's crazy. Gary, that's what you keep saying. The man is an actor. He's not

an... Ed Asner's an actor, okay?

Cary Grant. Cary Grant is an actor.

I'm... I'm a comedian, but I am telling you, this man is nuts, honey. You can't

do this.

First you have this weird dizzy spell over here. Then you tell me that an arm

has flown out of the TV. And then you tell me that some lunatic attacked you

Stravely's office.

I know when you put it in a list, I know it looks bad.

Really? I mean, you've been seeing too many Hitchcock movies. Oh, why?

Because I have vertigo? Because I saw a psycho? Because I saw you out Mr.

Stravely's rear window? Is that why?

What about those shears? The man had shears. It's just part of his act. He's

performing. Didn't you tell him jokes?

Oh, that's a really good act. Maybe he could take it on the road. Just pull out

shears. Yes, of course I told him jokes. But I don't pull out props. I've got

some errands to do, okay? Why don't you lick these envelopes? It'll be real

therapeutic. I'll see you later.

The gum part? Is that what you want me to lick?

Honey, I really, I hope you're right. Gary, I am right. Believe me, I'm right.

I'll be back before you know it.

Be careful.

Oh, I knew it.

and I'm still licking envelopes.

Three. Three envelopes. I could work for the post office at this rate.

Phoebe should be back by now. I'm so worried I can't even do a joke about

clock on my face.

I gotta fix those lights. I gotta fix the weather.

Hey, I gotta fix... Good evening.

How you doing, Gare?

Oh, Leonard, you scared the heck out of me. Why do you have to be so formal when

you come into someone's house? Can't you just say hello?

Well, I'm sorry, Gare. This isn't a pleasure visit.

Now, your girlfriend, Phoebe, left some clothes in the dryer.

You know what the rule is.

Once is a warning.

Twice as a garage sale.

These were in the dryer?

Well, yeah, those were, but there were some more scattered in the bushes, and

the rest of them were arranged in the driveway to spell out the word help.

quite a slob, Gary.

Oh, my God.

Be Nathan of sheer madness, Gary. Could you get an autographed picture?

Would you shut up?

He happens to have Phoebe.

Nathan, put Phoebe back on.

So, I thought you'd get Nathan off the air, huh?

Looks like you're the one being canceled.

Nathan, please.

Shut up!

Bring you up here to listen to your righteous, long -winded speeches.

Phoebe, Phoebe. Gary!

But isn't that tiny meddling boyfriend of yours how supportive?

Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Don't look down.

What's the matter, Gary?

feeling, honey?

I'm still a little rattled. Oh, boy, me too.

We may never be able to look at outdoor advertising as long as we live.

I think I'm just going to let Leonard do the closing monologue.

That's a good idea. Like he hasn't been begging me for the last four years.

Okay, Leonard, give it a shot.

Thank you, Gary.

We hope you enjoyed our little drama.

It's a comedy.

It's your first time.

We hope you enjoyed our rib -tickling comedy.

Rest assured, the gardener is still fertilizing

daisies. Only now, he'll be doing it from below.

And for those of you who are concerned about little Grant, he's speaking again.

In fact, We can't shut him up.

And now, I'd like to leave you with a little medley.

Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?

Jotay again. Good night, everybody.

Good

night.

He'll be driving six white horses when he comes.

And he'll be singing Octoliver, Augustine, Augustine. He'll be singing

Octoliver, Augustine, Augustine. He'll be singing Octoliver. He'll be singing

Octoliver. He'll be singing Octoliver, Augustine.

whistleblower.