Original subtitles

That was really unexpected.

Anyway,

you really came on a good night. I know you're wondering why. Is this show going

to be funny?

You're damn right.

Because I'm working out Mr. Guest. You know, he lives in 4G. Those of you who

have seen the show before are saying, we knew he lived in 4G. He's your

neighbor, right?

But some people don't watch the show every week. I don't know where they live

now.

So I work him out for the baseball season. Every baseball season he has to

out, not because he plays baseball, but really he puts on so much weight in the

off season that when he goes to the baseball park, he can't fit through the

turnstile.

I love that joke so much.

Come on, Mr. Guest, let's get going now.

You've got a lot of weight to lose. I don't want to go overboard this first

No, I don't want to get too muscle -bound or I'll look like that freakish

of weights Arnold Schwarzenegger.

That's all right. We'll stop just in time.

Now, why don't we start with some jumping jacks, all right? I don't think

ready for a jumping jack. Not a jumping jack. We may do two. All right, so let's

just get going.

Positive attitude.

You want to do alternate toe touching. You want to do that? This is one, two.

Oh, yeah.

Upseedownsies. Okay, I can do those.

Upseedownsies, right. Okay.

Perfect. Upseedownsies are perfect, and I'll spot you. All right?

Call them whatever you like as long as you do them. Okay?

Here we go. Remember, you have no net.

Here you go.

And you at home, you can practice, too. So, in fact, I'll put on.

Some good upsy -downsy music.

This is my favorite exercise tape.

And we'll get started here. You ready, Mr. Guest? No.

No. Too late.

Okay, everybody, let's get warmed up, and here we go.

that stupid kitty song again.

Yes, I think it gets louder every week.

Hello.

Hi, Ian.

I'm not interrupting anything, am I? No, no, no. Gary's theme already did that.

There. I think it's finished.

You have no idea. Every week, 41 seconds of hell.

What brings you here?

Oh, I know.

You'd probably like some of my fresh squeezed orange juice.

Mother Chandling, you look good for maybe, what, two or three glasses?

Just humor. I mean, I'm playing with this new juicer.

Nancy, I think I have the bug again.

I'm thinking of going back on the stage.

As what?

Oh, Ian, Ruth is a wonderful singer.

She toured Europe with Bob Hope during the war. She's ahead of me. sister.

Oh, the Henneman sisters.

Very good. Very good. That's right. Oh, and I want to again.

Oh, how I long for the applause, the fabulous costumes, the feather boas,

the exotic hairdos.

You must be very proud of Gary for carrying on those traditions.

Sorry.

But Ruth, you know...

Gary, with his connections, I'm sure he could get you a club date like that. One

phone call. No, no, that's just it, you see. I want to get back in the business

on my own without any of Bubba's help.

And I've made some arrangements that he doesn't know anything about.

You're really taking this seriously.

Nancy, would you mind listening to my act and then letting me know how you

about it? Well, of course not.

Matter of fact, why don't I get everybody over here tonight? We'll make

a party of it. Oh, why, sure. There you are, there you are. My goodness, I

cannot believe it. Ruth Shandling, the last surviving Henneman sister.

I'm going to phone my dad.

What was that?

Something must be going on over at Gary's show. Let me just check.

Okay, I'll get you some ice. I'll get you some ice.

Boy. Oh, boy.

What? I had to chain this because last year he ate right through the leather

straps.

Sure, you try saying that without spitting.

I don't even know where the key is. I probably locked it in the freezer. Don't

you hate when you do that?

Okay, I'm going to go to Nancy's and get the ice. I'll come right back.

Just stay right there.

Gary's coming over for some ice. Like hell he is. I need the ice for my orange

juice. Oh, if he finds me here, he's going to ask a lot of questions. Oh,

right. Go on. Go hide in the bedroom. I'll come get you when the course is

Go. Shh. Okay.

Hey. Oh. Hi, Gary. Hi. Sorry. Listen.

Mr. Getsch has sprained his back and I need some ice. Do you have some? Sure.

No.

Of course we have plenty of ice. No, you can't have the ice. I need the ice for

my orange juice. I can't possibly drink orange juice at room temperature, and I

happen to find the ice, well, it makes the perfect cooling agent, so go away.

I'll return the ice as soon as I rub it on Mr. Guest's back.

You'll like it.

Are you wearing my mother's cologne?

Maybe I am.

Maybe I'm not.

Return the ice and I'll tell you.

Here's the ice, Gary.

Here you go. Take it and go. He scares me.

Don't push me. I'm going. The man is in pain, Gary. Hurry.

You're right. This is an emergency.

Ruth,

you can come out and finish your orange juice. He's gone, huh? Yeah, he got his

cheap last and he left.

Yeah.

Oh, you're safe. See?

with you guys in a normal house where the man was eating a big strawberry pie.

What the heck are you doing? Where did you get that pie? I thought my back

feel better if I had something yummy in my tummy. And it does. Oh, yeah. No,

it's a non -orthopedic treatment. Absolutely.

Where did you get it?

Oh, just my luck, Shanley. The pieman came by while you were gone.

Oh, the pieman. Oh, no. Yeah, the pieman. Just give it back to me. Aw.

You know, now there's extra sit -ups for you. Oh, shh. Not flopsy -wopsies.

Yes, flopsy -wopsies. That's exactly right.

You ought to see what he calls squat thrust.

That boss of his is letting my ice go to waste.

Well...

I have got two. Iron my dress, wax my legs, and lose three pounds before my

show.

Oh, Nancy, I'm so nervous. Oh, don't be. You'll be fine.

And don't worry about a thing. Ian and I won't say anything to Gary.

What are you doing over there?

No appreciation for other people's ice.

Good day.

It's definitely my mother's robe.

There's just no getting around that.

Come on. Come on. Keep going. If you stop every time I get last, we're going

be here for several, several weeks.

This is not one of Gary's better shows.

What are you talking about, Leonard? This is a very funny show.

I can't wait to see if Mr. Geth sneaks another pie.

What's so funny about Mr. Geth? In the first place, I'm the one who should be

losing weight.

Okay, fellas, come on. Turn off the boob tube.

Isn't it such a coincidence she only calls it the boob tube when Gary shows

Grant, come on.

Ruth wants to show us her act. Oh, great.

Another Shanling in show business.

That's worse than the Judds.

Now, listen, remember, everybody, that this is not polished.

It's just to give you a taste of what the act is like, all right? And you can

tell me how you feel about it. Leonard, would you please introduce me?

All right. Come on, Len.

This is so unexpected.

I don't know how I can do justice to our next performer, but I think perhaps my

friend Jimmy Stewart can.

Our next guest grew up as a girl. Leonard, would you please get to the

Now it's my great pleasure to present Ruth Hedeman Shanley.

Beautiful for spacious sky for amber

waves of gray.

I'll turn your boy into a man.

Oh, hi there, Mr. Lawyer.

Show me your brief.

Do you like what's on top?

You want to peek underneath?

Can I get back to you on that?

called Bottoms Up.

Grab him, Ulysses Schumacher.

I will not allow you to see anything that was banned in Boston.

Why don't you find something else to do?

So long, suckers.

Oh, hey, look. Mr. Getz on the bike.

Oh, great.

Hey,

come on. Come on, you guys. You're going to hurt her feelings. Not me, Nance.

I'm the sensitive one. Hey, come on, guys. Bottoms up.

Bottoms up.

Bottoms up.

Bottoms up.

Rats. I have this five spot all ready to stick down her dress.

So what's going on?

really want to go out in public with this act.

What are you talking about? I'm opening tomorrow night at the Aphrodite Club.

Don't you think that's a little premature?

Premature?

Oh, Nancy, I was getting raves on this act when you were still a little girl.

Yeah, Ruth, I think maybe that's the point. You see, you're not a little girl

anymore.

Well, you're Gary's mother, you know, and, you know, if he gets the therapy he

needs, you could be someday a grandmother.

And someday, when you want to give somebody some advice, you get a little

to pack.

Did you hear a door slam?

Oh, I've been hearing things all day, Shanley.

I'm hallucinating from hunger.

Well, come on, you're getting there. The bike's starting to move.

Hey, Nance, I can't talk to you now. I'm just in the middle of working out Mr.

Gaston. I'm in the middle of the show right now. Yeah, I know.

Everybody's... I'm really sorry about this. We are on the air. I know.

Everyone's at my place watching. Believe me, I know. Everyone's at your place

watching?

Well, then, I should stop the exercise bike and say you -hoo to everybody at

Nancy's house.

Look, I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but your mom is reviving her

act.

Oh, you're not the one that she did at Jake LaMotta's bachelor party?

I'm afraid so.

And, you know, I mean, this really could be trouble because she's booked into

the Aphrodite Club tomorrow night.

The Aphrodite Club? Yeah.

and get directions. We've got to go down there.

Bloody hell, I've got to sit through her act again.

Hi, Mom. What are you doing here?

Look, Mom, Nancy told me everything that's going on, and you just... I have

talk you out of doing that act. You cannot go on stage...

And do it, please? No, Nancy, please, bubba, bubba, hush now. Nancy was

absolutely right. I was humiliating myself with that material.

Well, I don't think you can understand. Hush, hush, listen to me. I have

rewritten the act. So you just go over there and sit down and relax and enjoy

yourself. So you're not going to do that other stuff? There's nothing for you to

be embarrassed about at all, all right? Oh, thanks, Mom. I really appreciate

that. I hope you don't mind me mentioning it. Okay, okay.

See you later.

She wouldn't lie to me, would she?

She's my mom.

I don't know who that is.

Look, they call this orange. It's ridiculous.

Now, where's the pump? Look, there's the pump.

Oh, look, the ice is nice. I should probably take some of this ice home. Can

do that? Can anybody see the waitress? I hear they have a fabulous all -you -can

-eat dessert cart.

Oh, I'll bet he ties it to the back of the car and takes it home.

I don't want to alarm you, but that dyspeptic -looking gentleman there is

nightclub critic from the Sherman Oaks Gazette.

He's ruthless.

Him? I'm not worried. Mom says she changed her act. I think everything's

to be all right. She did?

What's she going to do? Well, she said, I don't know what she's going to do, but

she said she took your advice, and I feel relieved. She said I took Nancy's

advice, so she changed it, and I want to...

Thank you. She thrilled the boys overseas, and now she's back to thrill

Ladies and gentlemen, Ruth Henneman Shanling.

Thank you so much. Thank

you. Oh, isn't this wonderful to be here at the Aphrodite Club? It's been a long

time. Too long.

But I'm back, Joey.

Oh, beautiful for spacious skies, for

amber waves of grain, for

motherhood and all that's good. And trips

down...

Well, one time.

I cherished you in diapers.

You crawled, you cried, you wept.

You learned to talk, and then you said, Look, Mom, my very first pirouette.

I never said that. I never dressed like that. I never said that. Ah, you hopped

and skipped and played so merrily.

Those were such happy years.

And that first day you went to school, you came back home in tears.

Get up, my poor Bubba.

Shoo!

Turn around.

What the hell is this?

Turn around and you'll cheer up.

Turn around.

Look in the mirror.

Now your face has cleared up.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Now, Gary, I never thought you were funny until I saw those pictures.

Well...

Thanks a lot for talking to my mom. Thanks a lot. Real good job. Real good

Real good job.

All I said to her was act more like a mom. I didn't tell her anything about

getting photographs or any of that. You have to admit this. That dancer really

had you down.

And now for our next address on memory lane.

This is a little something called Bubba.

Twix 10 and 20.

Hey, all the cool guys wore a retainer.

I don't know anymore.

Isn't he lovely?

Let's have a hand for Ron.

Everybody, yes.

Isn't he lovely?

Isn't he?

And thank you all. Thank you all very much.

Oh, hi. It's the next morning.

My hair looks like this no matter what time of day it is.

Ruth Henneman Shanling triumphantly returned to the stage last night with a

medley of sentimental favorites and grotesque photographs of son Gary.

Sadly, it was her last show, but her interpretive dancer will begin touring

fall with a one -man show called Give Him Hell, Gary.

Remind me to call Ticketron.

Bye, Shanley.

I'm ready for my morning workout.

Oh. Okay, Mr. Goss.

Well, it's the end of the show, but we can do it under the closing theme and

credits. Good night, everybody.

I'll swallow next time.

Hope you enjoyed it.