Original subtitles

Well... Thanks a lot. That's really desperate.

You have come on a great night because I was just in my bedroom and I was

just... Sure, I feel the same way.

I was in my bedroom and I just wrote what I think, all kidding aside, are the

best... monologue jokes I have ever, ever written on any show at

any time, anywhere.

And I mean that.

Okay, listen to this now. And I'm not kidding.

Boy,

this is unfortunate, isn't it?

Now I'm not going to get to my monologue jokes.

Unless this is a Jew, a Hindu, and a Catholic.

Hi, Gary.

Oh, it's Martin Lowe. Martin Lowe.

Martin Lowe.

Martin Lowe.

These people are fabulous.

They love you. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. Please sit down.

Martin, they are sitting. That's just teared.

None of them are standing.

Here, pull up a stool. Try to act like a man.

Okay.

Can I get you something to drink?

Yes.

Whatever you're having.

What's going on? Well, Gary, I stopped by to ask you if you'd be interested in

playing golf in my benefit tournament.

Is it really a benefit, Martin, or are you just buying another boat?

Come on.

Gary, I'm a human being first.

This is definitely a benefit. It's for boys' will.

Well, Boyceville, that's terrific.

That's a place for wayward boys. I grew up there, and it's just my way of, like,

kind of throwing a few bucks back to the needy kids, you know?

Sure, sure.

Well, you know, I don't play golf.

I just... None of us do.

It's just, we go out there, we have a good time, knock the ball around.

Well, at least you knock the ball around. I, like, I knock air. I knock

around, and I still lose my cart.

But that's fine.

No, it's just a bunch of guys. We get out there on a Sunday. We enjoy the hot

summer air, and it's for charity.

It's fun.

Come on. It's just the guys.

All right.

But, you know, I don't play, but all right. You'll do it. That's great. Well,

why don't you come down to Boysville tomorrow, and you can meet Father Tom,

we'll set you up with an official golf shirt and try to find something we can

use for a hat for you.

Okay? Deal.

Okay. Okay. What's this? That.

Non -alcoholic. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

I may want to swear later.

I'll see you, Gary. Thank you. You want to go? Okay.

I'll see you later. Take care.

Hey, wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Howard Hessman. You know, my whole family loves you and head of the class.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're a great bunch of kids.

I think Robin Gibbons got kind of a bum rap, huh?

Well, yeah, Robin Gibbons.

That's the fat boy, right?

Keep watching now.

See ya. Gary, I gotta get out of here. You sure you don't want to stay and talk

a little longer to Pete? Oh, gee, no. You know, it's your show. Why should I

have all the fun? Oh, sure.

Dad,

I can't believe you. That wasn't Howard Hessman. That was Martin Maul.

Right. Grant's at the age that anything I do embarrasses him.

We must be the same age.

He wants me to play in his golf tournament.

Yeah, but you don't play golf.

No, but I play clubs, and it's sort of the same thing.

No, no, no, it's not, Gary. Maybe you should practice, you know? You want me

give you some pointers?

You know, Pete's really not a bad golfer. He has a car. The license plate

says one handicap, which also allows him to park in some great places.

I should practice. You want to just... Can you guys go now?

That would be great.

Dad, we were going to get my new bike today. Well, we'll get you a bike

tomorrow. Today you'll caddy for Gary. Oh, great.

First no new bike, and then I have to carry Gary's clubs.

What a lucky day.

theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his Gary

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shannon's show.

I'm even worse than I thought.

Man, I can't believe you shot a .383.

It was windy, very windy.

I'm lucky I broke .400.

Good to think. I almost missed that for a measly new bike.

You know, anybody could lose 11 balls.

They're white. They blend right into the grass.

I'm not playing in that tournament, I'll tell you that. Gary, Gary, look, they

know you're not a pro. You're a comedian.

Maybe they just want you to clown around.

Like you did today.

Listen, Gary, Gary.

Gary, Gary, listen to me.

Nobody watches Hollywood Squares to see Tic -Tac -Toe. Oh, no, they're just

waiting to see the celebrities fall out of those boxes.

That's what they're doing.

I'm not going to go on national television and embarrass myself like

telling you right now.

I shouldn't even be whining like this on national television.

In fact, I'm going to my room.

Oh, Gary, we're just joking around. Gary.

This is my better side.

Thanks.

Well, here I am at Boysville to meet Martin Mullins' Father Tom.

That's Father Tom in the dark jacket.

Anyway, Father Tom founded Boysville. He actually, there's no better priest in

the world who's better at raising kids than Father Tom, except for maybe Father

knows best.

Boy.

I've been waiting for centuries to get into a church to try that joke, too.

See you guys.

Oh, Gary. Hi.

Gary, this is Father Tom.

Hello, Father Tom. Nice to meet you. This is the Gary Shanley. Oh, it's a

pleasure, Gary. It's a pleasure. Sit down, buddy. Sit down.

Well,

now.

Aren't you the lucky bachelor?

I'm putting you in a foursome with the three girls from The Facts of Life.

Oh, boy. Well, we single guys have to stick together, don't we, Father?

Well,

you know, actually, I've been thinking about pulling out of the tournament.

Oh, this comes as quite a surprise.

Oh, Gary, we were counting on you. No, I know. I hope you don't mind. And I've

written a check here for Boysville, because I really believe in what you're

doing here, and I hope it'll be okay and sort of in lieu of me playing.

Well, Gary, we appreciate this more than it's made out for, but...

Gary, you can't pull out.

Well, wait, maybe this will convince you, because you're not going to believe

this really seriously. Take a look at this. This is a...

This, I played golf yesterday. That's the golf cart.

Oh, okay.

Take a look at this. See, now this, this is what makes him Gary Shandling, and

the rest of us just envious.

Always making with the jokes.

Original ones, too.

Always kidding around.

383. No,

that's actually, this is actually my score. I actually shot a 383. Gary, you

your laugh.

Don't milk it.

You know, Gary, I had a boy like you in here once. A real wise guy.

Remember Martin?

Yes. He couldn't take anything seriously.

But we turned him around.

And you know who he is today?

I have no who. Who is he? A solid citizen.

True story.

And you might have heard of another boy who came to these doors.

Illiterate, rude, all was scuffing with the law.

But we took care of him.

And just guess what that young fellow turned out to be.

What? A normal guy.

That's why this place is so great. And Father Tom has literally over 2 ,500

stories just like that one. The one about the regular guy.

Right. The all -around show. The average dude. Oh, we had a devil of a time with

that one.

Look, look, look, look, look. You know, I just am not a very good golfer, and

I'm really afraid I'm going to go out there and embarrass myself.

Well, Gary, that's kind of pathetic. That's the same thing that Gene Rayburn

tried to pull last year. Martin!

Cool that famous temper of yours.

That's how you wound up in Boysville in the first place.

Boy, when you snap, you snap, don't you?

Well,

Gary, I understand how you feel.

Great. Yes. Thank you. Yes.

Your baptismal is more important than a house full of orphans.

Hungry little ragamuffins, Gary.

Living on just...

Handouts and dreams, really.

Sleeping on burlap bags filled with crumpled -up newspapers and dried

Father Tom, may I come in?

Here's one now, Gar.

Why, sure you can. Come right over here, Billy boy. Come right. Sit down there.

That's it.

There's me boy.

Gar, this is Billy.

Billy is our poster boy.

Actual size.

He just wanted to meet his hero, Gary Shandling.

All the boys love your show.

It makes us laugh and we're sad.

We're so excited that you're going to play in our tournament.

Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy.

Oh, I think Gary here has something to tell you.

Billy, um... You know, I probably

don't play golf the way that you and the other boys think that I do.

So I hope this isn't going to be a disappointment to you.

And I hope you're not going to be mad at me.

But...

Oh, I think it's going to be for you, Billy.

Oh, bless you, sir, bless you.

What's up?

Oh, can I have my check now?

Oh, thank you, thank you, Gary. Thank you, Gary.

Boy, if that boy was a little smaller, he'd make a perfect nightlight, wouldn't

he?

This is the Adolph Spark Memorial Golf Course in Sherman Oaks, California, home

to a vicious tentpole that has shattered the dreams of many a golfer.

Today, this hall brings together Jack Nicklaus, Tom Watson,

Jack Lemmon, Bob Holt,

and Gary Shannon.

Hi again, everybody. I'm Roy Firestone. This is the 1989 Martin Mole

Invitational Golf Tournament.

Proceeds from this tournament go to Boysville.

Remember, at Boysville, there's no girls allowed.

Oh, I mean, Gary is really taking this thing seriously.

You know, he was up half the night knitting those little mittens for his

Yeah, well, I hope he leaves them on. Maybe they'll improve his game.

Oh, good one, Dad.

Don't make fun of my Bubba. He works best under pressure. You'll see.

He'll rise to the occasion.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you. Boy, golf is boring.

What do you say we make the game a little more interesting?

Oh, a wager?

Well,

I was going to suggest we all take our clothes off.

Prudes.

Well, Martin Mull, I think this charity tournament has shown a new side of you

because when I think of Martin Mull...

I think of an acerbic wit, a smug anything -for -a -laugh attitude.

Well, when I think of Roy Firestone, I think of snow tires.

Well, I guess nothing is sacred. Not even me, Roy Firestone.

Hey, looks like you brought some friends here with you. Roy, I sure did. This is

little Billy here. Billy is our poster boy this year. And he's really pretty

much what this whole day is all about. Right, Philoton?

Oh, that's for sure, Mark. That's for sure.

Now, Billy, tell the people what I say when I hit the ball.

Damn it. I slay him.

He's a little rascal.

Precocious, isn't he?

Oh, that little boy is just adorable.

He's cute all right.

That's cute?

A little kid swearing?

Well, then you'll really like this.

Kiss my hairy butt.

Come over here. Let me check your pupils.

Everybody hush, hush, hush.

Especially you.

Now hush, Bubba's on television.

Martin, funny man Gary Shandling is at the first tee.

The hole is a 380 -yard par -4 dogleg left.

I think Gary's having a little fun out there right now. He's doing the old pool

cue trick.

It was originally done, I think, by Jack Carter, Roy.

Although, now, Jack, here's credit to Danny Kaye, could have started in the

Yiddish theater, for all I know. So many things did. What style.

I think it looks like he's ready to play right now.

Oh, no, no. It's one more gag from Gary.

The giant tea trick.

And Gary being the humanitarian he is, he's painted it orange so even the kids

way in the back can see what he's doing.

Goes for the broad strokes, doesn't he? He does, and there's no one better at

it. Hopefully he'll get the team pretty soon.

Usually he'll sign that and give it to one of the kids. He's a real sweetheart.

I think Gary's getting ready to hit right now, taking a rather unusual

one that calls to mind the great Stan Musial.

But I need to remind you, Stan played baseball, not golf.

Shanley ready now.

It's a high arcing drive.

Slicing to the right, way, way right.

And, ooh, someone's been hit.

Oh, no, it looks like little Billy's been hit.

Oh, it looks like Gary Shanley really nailed little Billy down.

Gary Shanley has hit little Billy.

Oh, this is deep. Little Billy is not moving.

This is terrible.

This is truly a bad moment in sports.

Let's take a look now at the tragedy on instant replay. You can see the trouble

starting right here when Shanling opens up his hips, causes the ball to slice.

The ball really never had a chance of seeing the fairway.

Oh, boy, you really hate to see something like this happen, especially

we're all out here for such a good cause.

Ooh, yeah, yeah. Looks worse the second time. Right now, all we can do is hope

and pray that young Billy's going to be okay.

But in all honesty, I, Roy Firestone, must say it doesn't look too good. And

sure nobody feels worse right now more than Gary Shanling does. But you really

can't blame Gary, folks, because golf is not an easy game to master.

You can see Gary obviously unhappy with the shot and, of course, the tragedy.

And you can see Father Tom coming to Billy's aid. The boy still has not

Oh, this is a tragedy. No doubt about it. I'm sure Gary Shanley would just

to trade places with young Billy.

Truly a tragedy.

All right, let's take a look at it again. Super slow motion from a

angle.

Maybe we should take our clothes off.

Gary, I'm really the one to blame. I'm the one that...

you know, leaned on you to do this thing in the first place. That's right.

That's right. It is your fault.

But I didn't do the actual hitting of the ball. You know, why didn't you just

let me write a check? The worst the boy would have gotten would have been a

paper cut to his head.

That's true, but still in all, you can't just stay, you know, cooped up here

like this, Gary. It's not healthy. I'm not going out. I'm not going out there.

I'm not going to. The public is out there.

Do you see what happened? I hit a boy. Yes. I hit a poster child with a golf

ball.

People don't like that.

But the kid is going to be all right, Gary.

And what are you going to do? Just sit here in a smelly old bathrobe and wallow

in self -pity?

Hey, it got me through prom night.

Gary?

Man, if that's another flaming bag on my doorstep.

I'm so sorry about what happened. Put her there, Billy.

Hi, Father Tom. Hi, thank you. Hi, Billy. How's the noggin? Oh, boy.

Hey, Billy, did you get the little pony I sent you?

Yeah, but you kicked me in the stomach.

I'm sorry, Father.

Oh, Gary, no.

In the words of Bobby McFerrin, boys' little class of 68, Don't worry. Be

What do you mean?

Well, after you bonked poor Billy, everyone felt so sorry for the tot, the

contributions came rolling in.

It was like Christmas.

You're kidding.

Yes.

So you mean I kind of saved the day?

Well, if it'll make you feel any better, I guess you can look at it that way,

yes.

This worked out great. What do you say we go get some ice cream after the show?

Won't that be great?

Well, it makes me break out in hives, but okay.

Please, Larry, just leave the kid alone.

Well, that's Larry's show for tonight.

I guess it's safe to say he's learned some pretty serious lessons. Martin, you

know, I do the closing monologue.

Your father doesn't know my name is Gary.

I sort of thought, you know, being a guest on your show and everything like

that, that maybe I could do the honors. Closing monologue? No, no. As guest, it

merely means you don't come back next week.

Well, that's the show for tonight. And, you know, I think I learned a lot of

lessons. I told him that already, Gary.

I learned that you don't really have to be good at something to help out a

charity. That's why next week I'm going to participate in the Kurt Russell

celebrity duck hunt.

Kurt Russell, there's a real celebrity.

a weatherman here.

Martin, if you really want to participate in the closing monologue,

help me practice my golf swing?

I would love to. Great. That'll be exciting because maybe my robe will fly

You've been a great audience.

See you next week.

I don't know.

Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Stanley Show.