Original subtitles

Tommy.

Pete?

What's wrong?

Nothing, Gary.

Nothing at all. As a matter of fact, everything is great. It's beautiful.

wonderful. Hey, Gary, are we alone?

Pete, it's 6 o 'clock in the morning. The audience isn't even here yet. What

it? Listen, Gary, I want to show you something. Come on down here. Come on.

Right here.

What, Pete?

Do you see, Gary?

For the last three weeks, Jackie's been feeling sick in the morning. So on a

hunch, she took this test.

Princess Daisy.

Oh, pregnancy test. Pete, you're kidding.

Gary, Gary, I want to show you something.

Something that I would only show my closest friend.

Okay, are you ready?

Yeah. Here.

What is this?

Jackie's urine.

Take it back, Pete.

Take it back.

Don't ever put Jackie's urine in my hand again.

Don't do that.

Not that it isn't a beautiful gift, and I thank Jackie very much for me, but

don't put it in my hand.

Gary, she doesn't even know I brought it over. Well, I'm sure she'd be thrilled

to know it was in my hand. Gary, now what you do first is you take this

Daisy eyedropper and put a few drops of this into this royal chemical solution,

and if the solution turns pink, boom, the woman's pregnant.

Hey, congratulations.

Thanks, Gary.

Thanks a lot. That's terrific.

Thanks. Oh, boy. That's terrific.

Huh?

Look at that. Is this planned?

Of course.

You know, Gary, having children is the most amazing feeling any guy can have.

Yeah. And I only hope that someday you know exactly what I mean.

That's my wish to you. Well, you seem very content, Pete. Very content.

I am. It's funny, isn't it?

Seems that it wasn't too long ago that I actually envied you and your mod

lifestyle.

Right. And you don't anymore?

No. Not really. Hey, no offense, pal. No, no, no, no, no. I can understand

I can understand that.

You still like me, though, right?

I love you, Gary.

I love you, Pete.

Hey, Gary.

Hi, Gary. Hey, Jackie.

Hey, congratulations.

Gary, Gary, Gary.

Ixnay on the urinate.

You guys must be very excited.

We just stopped by to pick Pete up. We're all going to take a

drive to the desert and surprise Mimi and Poppy with the good news.

Why do you always cry every time I go near him? Well, I think he's still mad

you for the name you gave him. I didn't give him a name. That was a contest. It

was conducted fair and square. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

I'm just glad I was born before you got your show.

Hey, Gary, Gary, look at her.

Look at her. She's getting that glow again. Oh, go on.

The whole family has to glow.

You don't even need your headlights when you drive through the desert.

Trust me. All right.

Oh, by the way, honey, we better get going. I brought your clothes. I've got

them in the car. Thank you.

You can change in the bathroom if you want, Pete.

Oh, no, Gary, I'll take a rain check.

The family likes to predict how long it'll take me to change.

Yeah, that's right. The winner gets an extra piece of pie when we stop for

lunch. Yeah, I've won five times in a row, and 12 out of the last 13. Uh -huh.

Wouldn't want to ruin that for you. No, but I think your luck's about to change

today, Buster. Oh, no, I don't think so. We got to go. I think so. I think I

know how long it takes your dad to get his pants off. No, no, because... No,

Bye, I love you, Gary. Gary, thanks, Nate, on the urinate. I got you. Thanks.

This is weird. I'm actually starting to envy Pete and Jackie.

Oh, this is pathetic.

The audience isn't even here and I'm still talking to the camera.

Why it's really quiet in here.

This is great. My audience won't be here for hours. And then they too will go.

And afterwards I'll be alone again.

Morning dew.

Boy, it's quiet in here.

really nice thanks that was that was really sweet and you know you don't need

feel pressure to applaud when the audiences come here they applaud whether

want to or not it's not like those other television shows where they stop the

tape and say why aren't you applauding well i've had a

very strange day first of all uh Pete Schumacher woke me up at 6 o 'clock this

morning to tell me that Jackie's pregnant again. The man comes in, and I,

way, look great at 6 o 'clock in the morning, much like I do now.

He comes in, gives me a gift from his wife. You won't believe what it was.

I'm not even going to tell you, but let's just say if she was a dog, I'd

smack her with a newspaper and put her down.

But now... The big news is, so I've made this decision in my life, this is the

show where I become a big brother.

Because, you know, to a little boy who doesn't have a father, you know, because

I know you're frozen at the thought.

You're thinking, wait a minute, look how you screwed up Grant Schumacher. But

give me another chance. I think this is something I'm absolutely ready for. I'm

going to become a big brother to a little boy, and I really appreciate the

support.

Well then what I really should do since you're in such a good mood and and and

having completed what I think is the the funniest monologue I've ever done on

Why don't we just move right on out of here and go see my little brother

I'm a little nervous about it And I think it's gonna be great. So I'll see

right after the opening theme

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

I timed that nicely, didn't I?

Hi, Gary.

Hey, Nance.

Hey, can I just ask you something real quick, and then I'll just be right out

your way.

Which name do you like better for a boy, Woodrow or Warren?

Why? Well, because I had that big brother thing today, and I just want to

really prepared.

Woodrow? Uh -huh. Or Warren? Yeah, right.

Gary, didn't you tell me this kid's about eight years old?

About eight. Yeah. I have a hunch he already has a name.

Oh, right.

That's probably right, because I've been Gary since I was six, so... By the time

I was eight, I was really locked into it, although I still... Gary, Gary. I

still couldn't switch at any point. Relax, relax.

It's a wonderful thing you're doing, this big brother thing. You think so?

I do. I think it's the most mature thing you've ever done, and I think you have

a lot to offer a child.

Really? Mm -hmm. Because I've been a little concerned, and that means a lot

me that you think so, too. Excuse my back.

You know, sometimes I just wish I could have, like, an infant family like Pete

and Jackie. I think that would be great, just... Yeah.

Well, you came close that time you were dating that woman with nine kids,

remember?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I never dated Rose Kennedy, and you know it.

What'd you do?

Oh, this is supposed to be an elephant, and I just accidentally cut off the

tail.

Oh, that's why I won't let her give me a haircut.

Wow, Nancy.

The topiary project's really coming along, isn't it? Oh, yeah, thanks.

Hey, Leonard, are you still available to pose between 3 and 5?

Oh, I certainly am.

Gare, Nancy's immortalizing me in our grove of the condo presidents.

and I forgot your good news.

I hear you're going to be a big brother.

That's right.

That's right.

A cautionary tale, though.

I was a big brother, and I took the kid to the park one day.

Everything was fine until it started getting dark. Then he knocked me down

took my wallet.

Leonard, you have got to be kidding.

Oh, I can't believe that. That program has such a thorough screening process.

That's what I thought.

Oh, the big brother program.

Oh. I was talking about my real brother.

You won't have any trouble then, Gary.

I can't believe I waited around for that.

See you guys.

Yeah, Gary.

Hey, good luck.

Oh.

Oh, I thought you were the closed circuit security. security system for a

second. I thought, this is the biggest security system I've ever seen.

With a big red light following me around.

All right.

All right.

Gary Stanley?

I'm Lucy Coleman.

Oh, nice to meet you. Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Gary Shandling.

Well, please come on in.

Oh, thanks. Have a seat.

Marshall's just finishing up his violin practice.

Oh, this is a nice place you have. Oh, thank you.

Can I get you anything?

Coffee? No, I'm fine. Soda?

Juicy juice? Juicy juice would be good.

That would be great. Thanks.

Are you nervous?

I am very, very nervous.

This is my first time being a big brother. Oh.

Well, I just want to say that I really appreciate this.

Marshall really misses his father.

They did just everything together.

The man was a saint.

Sounds like a great guy.

He was, but he really did play for the saints.

John Coleman?

John Stackel? John Coleman? I think I remember him. Wasn't he?

He was famous for helping players up after he'd tackle them.

What a great... In fact, the picture on his football playing card was like this.

What a great man.

Yeah. Oh, but there was so much more to John than just football.

Yeah, in the off -season, he designed public parks, and he was a volunteer

fireman.

Everything about him was special.

He died of Coleman's disease.

Named after him.

He was able to go into the hospital lab in his last days and found a cure. It

was too late for himself, but now others can be saved.

I'm starting to miss this guy myself.

You know, even in death, he was a great provider.

While digging his grave, they struck oil on the property.

You're a comedian, right?

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, I have a show.

What kind of show is it?

Oh, it's a nice show.

Is it a clean show?

Oh, you could eat off my show.

Well, that's good.

Well, you know something?

I like the idea of a comedian being Marshall's big brother because Marshall

really... has a great sense of humor.

Oh, great.

Here's his jacket.

Let me go get him.

I have a jacket like this, but I didn't wear it because it doesn't fit.

Gary?

Here he is.

Well, who's this big boy?

Put her there.

Good news, it's two hours later and Marshall stopped crying about four

ago.

And now we're having cotton candy.

I moved mine down, but boy, Marshall hasn't touched it. Come on, Marshall.

This is good cotton candy. It's better than those cotton socks they put on a

stick.

People don't eat socks.

People don't eat socks?

Right.

Marshall's a tough crowd.

He thought you guys were bad.

How much is this?

One dollar. One dollar.

Hold on.

Dollar?

Okay.

Okay, stand back, Marshall. You can play this, but you didn't bring a dollar.

Okay. Here we go.

Okay, Marshall.

Now watch this warm -up. Watch this warm -up. I was on my high school carnival

team.

What do you think? We've won some. What do we win?

Well, I would have given you that bust of Babe Ruth if you'd hit one of the

pins.

Now I guess I've got no choice but to give you one of the pins.

This is great, Marshall. This is a real bowling pin.

Hey, come on. Look at this thing. You can put this... With the tin can we won

when I shot the stuffed bear.

Come on. It could be worse. I could have shot him, Marshall. Then what would we

have won? Come on.

Let's go on the Ferris wheel. I feel lucky.

If you want to. I do. I do want to. I want to very much.

Come on. If you say so. I do say so. This is going to be great.

We're just going through to New York. I hope there's a meal on this flight.

You listening to these, Marshall?

Nice hat. You can work at Shakey's in the off season.

Okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Where's your seatbelt, Marshal?

Oh, I don't get it.

Hey, when the stewardess explains how to operate the seatbelt, Marshal, you

can't figure the seatbelt out on your own. Don't even listen to the part about

the oxygen mask. You're a dead person.

That thing's going to come down and you're going to go, hello, hello.

What's your favorite animal, Marshal?

A dog? You know, my mother owns a pet shop and she has lots of dogs. You

come down sometime and see them.

Stop lying.

No, Marshall, I'm not lying. I'm not lying.

I'm not lying at all.

We're going to go see Accidental Tourist. You're going to love that.

Stop lying. Okay, all right, so I don't read. I never read the book. I never

read the books when I go to the movie theater.

Why are we stopped? They're not letting anybody else on.

They probably want another buck.

I think we're stuck.

Boy, look at how everything from up here looks like a toy.

I bet you from where they are, we look like people.

Boy, Marsha, we might be stuck up here for a while.

Boy, I hope you didn't make any big plans for the rest of the day, any

appointments, because we might just have to wait it out.

Uh -huh.

Oh, there's quite a crowd gathering down there.

Look.

There's the fire department. Hey, we're over here, Mr. Fireman.

Mr. Fireman. And here comes the mayor's limousine.

Look at that.

Oh, look, he's giving someone the big finger.

I wouldn't be surprised if we're up here well into the evening.

Oh, boy.

Me and my big mouth.

Hey, look.

What's going on down there?

Hey, they're stealing my car.

Oh, boy, Marshall.

Don't be scared. Everything will work out.

I'm not scared.

Well, that's good.

If you want to talk, we can just talk and then you won't be so scared.

I'm not scared.

Oh, don't try to deny it, Marshall. I know you're scared.

Sometimes it helps to talk things over when you're scared because then you

think about what you're scared about and then you won't be so scared anymore.

You know what I mean?

I know.

You know?

Why aren't you talking?

Because I'm not scared.

Right. I'm not either, Marshall.

It's like a prison movie up here.

Hey, Slappy.

How'd it go?

Did you have a good time?

May I be excused?

Please, Marshall.

Sorry.

Oh. Struck out, huh? Yeah, I'm really sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

Listen, if it's any solace to you, I've heard this from the other big brothers

before. Oh, really?

Gosh, that does make me feel a little bit better, but I hope you'll give

comedian a chance sometime, because... Well, I might.

I'd better go check on Marshall, see how he's doing.

But, Gary, thanks for trying.

I'm really sorry that it didn't work out better than it did, and we could have

ended on a kind of happier note, but I guess I just learned that, really, I

should just leave raising kids to qualified people like Pete and Jackie.

Gary? I tried.

Gary?

Oh, Gary, I'm so glad you haven't left.

Who were you talking to?

Oh, no, just some people that were in the building that just got off the

elevator, and I was just saying... Who?

Just, uh, the, uh, Schoenbergs and, uh, H .A.

They were just coming in, and I said they recognized me, and I was talking to

them for a second.

What's going on? Why don't you tell Gary yourself?

Tell him what you told him. Tell me what?

I had a very nice time, Gary.

Really?

Yes. It just made me sad.

I kept thinking, about my dad.

Oh. The two of them used to get stuck on top of the Ferris wheel all the time.

Really? But you're real nice and I'd still like to be my big brother.

Would you?

Really, Marshall?

Yeah.

Yeah. You want to go horseback riding next Saturday?

Great. Oh, yeah. That way if we get stuck on the horse we won't have to call

fire department because you don't count up so high and all that.

Why? I used to think that'd be the one he'd go on.

Can Gary stay for a while?

Well, I don't know if Gary can stay for a while, can he?

Yeah. Do you want to come in and play Cowboys and Indians and build a fort

the sofa cushions?

And then I'll show you my baseball cards.

And then we can play a gregory. And Mommy can make us some paschetti and

juice.

Marshall, I'd really love to, but it's a little too cute for my show.

I understand.

You understand?

So next Saturday, though, we'll horseback riding.

Great. Okay?

Oh, good. I'll see you then.

See you then. Bye, Gary.

Bye. Bye, Marshall.

He's a good boy.

Bye. Bye.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Channing Show.

Oh, can I stop waving now?

If you must.