All language subtitles for its_garry_shandlings_s03e16_big_brother

Tommy.

Pete?

What's wrong?

Nothing, Gary.

Nothing at all. As a matter of fact,
everything is great. It's beautiful.

wonderful. Hey, Gary, are we alone?

Pete, it's 6 o 'clock in the morning.
The audience isn't even here yet. What

it? Listen, Gary, I want to show you
something. Come on down here. Come on.

Right here.

What, Pete?

Do you see, Gary?

For the last three weeks, Jackie's been
feeling sick in the morning. So on a

hunch, she took this test.

Princess Daisy.

Oh, pregnancy test. Pete, you're
kidding.

Gary, Gary, I want to show you
something.

Something that I would only show my
closest friend.

Okay, are you ready?

Yeah. Here.

What is this?

Jackie's urine.

Take it back, Pete.

Take it back.

Don't ever put Jackie's urine in my hand
again.

Don't do that.

Not that it isn't a beautiful gift, and
I thank Jackie very much for me, but

don't put it in my hand.

Gary, she doesn't even know I brought it
over. Well, I'm sure she'd be thrilled

to know it was in my hand. Gary, now
what you do first is you take this

Daisy eyedropper and put a few drops of
this into this royal chemical solution,

and if the solution turns pink, boom,
the woman's pregnant.

Hey, congratulations.

Thanks, Gary.

Thanks a lot. That's terrific.

Thanks. Oh, boy. That's terrific.

Huh?

Look at that. Is this planned?

Of course.

You know, Gary, having children is the
most amazing feeling any guy can have.

Yeah. And I only hope that someday you
know exactly what I mean.

That's my wish to you. Well, you seem
very content, Pete. Very content.

I am. It's funny, isn't it?

Seems that it wasn't too long ago that I
actually envied you and your mod

lifestyle.

Right. And you don't anymore?

No. Not really. Hey, no offense, pal.
No, no, no, no, no. I can understand

I can understand that.

You still like me, though, right?

I love you, Gary.

I love you, Pete.

Hey, Gary.

Hi, Gary. Hey, Jackie.

Hey, congratulations.

Gary, Gary, Gary.

Ixnay on the urinate.

You guys must be very excited.

We just stopped by to pick Pete up.
We're all going to take a

drive to the desert and surprise Mimi
and Poppy with the good news.

Why do you always cry every time I go
near him? Well, I think he's still mad

you for the name you gave him. I didn't
give him a name. That was a contest. It

was conducted fair and square. Yeah,
yeah, sure, sure.

I'm just glad I was born before you got
your show.

Hey, Gary, Gary, look at her.

Look at her. She's getting that glow
again. Oh, go on.

The whole family has to glow.

You don't even need your headlights when
you drive through the desert.

Trust me. All right.

Oh, by the way, honey, we better get
going. I brought your clothes. I've got

them in the car. Thank you.

You can change in the bathroom if you
want, Pete.

Oh, no, Gary, I'll take a rain check.

The family likes to predict how long
it'll take me to change.

Yeah, that's right. The winner gets an
extra piece of pie when we stop for

lunch. Yeah, I've won five times in a
row, and 12 out of the last 13. Uh -huh.

Wouldn't want to ruin that for you. No,
but I think your luck's about to change

today, Buster. Oh, no, I don't think so.
We got to go. I think so. I think I

know how long it takes your dad to get
his pants off. No, no, because... No,

Bye, I love you, Gary. Gary, thanks,
Nate, on the urinate. I got you. Thanks.

This is weird. I'm actually starting to
envy Pete and Jackie.

Oh, this is pathetic.

The audience isn't even here and I'm
still talking to the camera.

Why it's really quiet in here.

This is great. My audience won't be here
for hours. And then they too will go.

And afterwards I'll be alone again.

Morning dew.

Boy, it's quiet in here.

really nice thanks that was that was
really sweet and you know you don't need

feel pressure to applaud when the
audiences come here they applaud whether

want to or not it's not like those other
television shows where they stop the

tape and say why aren't you applauding
well i've had a

very strange day first of all uh Pete
Schumacher woke me up at 6 o 'clock this

morning to tell me that Jackie's
pregnant again. The man comes in, and I,

way, look great at 6 o 'clock in the
morning, much like I do now.

He comes in, gives me a gift from his
wife. You won't believe what it was.

I'm not even going to tell you, but
let's just say if she was a dog, I'd

smack her with a newspaper and put her
down.

But now... The big news is, so I've made
this decision in my life, this is the

show where I become a big brother.

Because, you know, to a little boy who
doesn't have a father, you know, because

I know you're frozen at the thought.

You're thinking, wait a minute, look how
you screwed up Grant Schumacher. But

give me another chance. I think this is
something I'm absolutely ready for. I'm

going to become a big brother to a
little boy, and I really appreciate the

support.

Well then what I really should do since
you're in such a good mood and and and

having completed what I think is the the
funniest monologue I've ever done on

Why don't we just move right on out of
here and go see my little brother

I'm a little nervous about it And I
think it's gonna be great. So I'll see

right after the opening theme

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me
up and asked if I would write a theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How
do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The
opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the
credits.

We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's
show.

I timed that nicely, didn't I?

Hi, Gary.

Hey, Nance.

Hey, can I just ask you something real
quick, and then I'll just be right out

your way.

Which name do you like better for a boy,
Woodrow or Warren?

Why? Well, because I had that big
brother thing today, and I just want to

really prepared.

Woodrow? Uh -huh. Or Warren? Yeah,
right.

Gary, didn't you tell me this kid's
about eight years old?

About eight. Yeah. I have a hunch he
already has a name.

Oh, right.

That's probably right, because I've been
Gary since I was six, so... By the time

I was eight, I was really locked into
it, although I still... Gary, Gary. I

still couldn't switch at any point.
Relax, relax.

It's a wonderful thing you're doing,
this big brother thing. You think so?

I do. I think it's the most mature thing
you've ever done, and I think you have

a lot to offer a child.

Really? Mm -hmm. Because I've been a
little concerned, and that means a lot

me that you think so, too. Excuse my
back.

You know, sometimes I just wish I could
have, like, an infant family like Pete

and Jackie. I think that would be great,
just... Yeah.

Well, you came close that time you were
dating that woman with nine kids,

remember?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I never dated
Rose Kennedy, and you know it.

What'd you do?

Oh, this is supposed to be an elephant,
and I just accidentally cut off the

tail.

Oh, that's why I won't let her give me a
haircut.

Wow, Nancy.

The topiary project's really coming
along, isn't it? Oh, yeah, thanks.

Hey, Leonard, are you still available to
pose between 3 and 5?

Oh, I certainly am.

Gare, Nancy's immortalizing me in our
grove of the condo presidents.

and I forgot your good news.

I hear you're going to be a big brother.

That's right.

That's right.

A cautionary tale, though.

I was a big brother, and I took the kid
to the park one day.

Everything was fine until it started
getting dark. Then he knocked me down

took my wallet.

Leonard, you have got to be kidding.

Oh, I can't believe that. That program
has such a thorough screening process.

That's what I thought.

Oh, the big brother program.

Oh. I was talking about my real brother.

You won't have any trouble then, Gary.

I can't believe I waited around for
that.

See you guys.

Yeah, Gary.

Hey, good luck.

Oh.

Oh, I thought you were the closed
circuit security. security system for a

second. I thought, this is the biggest
security system I've ever seen.

With a big red light following me
around.

All right.

All right.

Gary Stanley?

I'm Lucy Coleman.

Oh, nice to meet you. Hi, nice to meet
you. I'm Gary Shandling.

Well, please come on in.

Oh, thanks. Have a seat.

Marshall's just finishing up his violin
practice.

Oh, this is a nice place you have. Oh,
thank you.

Can I get you anything?

Coffee? No, I'm fine. Soda?

Juicy juice? Juicy juice would be good.

That would be great. Thanks.

Are you nervous?

I am very, very nervous.

This is my first time being a big
brother. Oh.

Well, I just want to say that I really
appreciate this.

Marshall really misses his father.

They did just everything together.

The man was a saint.

Sounds like a great guy.

He was, but he really did play for the
saints.

John Coleman?

John Stackel? John Coleman? I think I
remember him. Wasn't he?

He was famous for helping players up
after he'd tackle them.

What a great... In fact, the picture on
his football playing card was like this.

What a great man.

Yeah. Oh, but there was so much more to
John than just football.

Yeah, in the off -season, he designed
public parks, and he was a volunteer

fireman.

Everything about him was special.

He died of Coleman's disease.

Named after him.

He was able to go into the hospital lab
in his last days and found a cure. It

was too late for himself, but now others
can be saved.

I'm starting to miss this guy myself.

You know, even in death, he was a great
provider.

While digging his grave, they struck oil
on the property.

You're a comedian, right?

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, I have a show.

What kind of show is it?

Oh, it's a nice show.

Is it a clean show?

Oh, you could eat off my show.

Well, that's good.

Well, you know something?

I like the idea of a comedian being
Marshall's big brother because Marshall

really... has a great sense of humor.

Oh, great.

Here's his jacket.

Let me go get him.

I have a jacket like this, but I didn't
wear it because it doesn't fit.

Gary?

Here he is.

Well, who's this big boy?

Put her there.

Good news, it's two hours later and
Marshall stopped crying about four

ago.

And now we're having cotton candy.

I moved mine down, but boy, Marshall
hasn't touched it. Come on, Marshall.

This is good cotton candy. It's better
than those cotton socks they put on a

stick.

People don't eat socks.

People don't eat socks?

Right.

Marshall's a tough crowd.

He thought you guys were bad.

How much is this?

One dollar. One dollar.

Hold on.

Dollar?

Okay.

Okay, stand back, Marshall. You can play
this, but you didn't bring a dollar.

Okay. Here we go.

Okay, Marshall.

Now watch this warm -up. Watch this warm
-up. I was on my high school carnival

team.

What do you think? We've won some. What
do we win?

Well, I would have given you that bust
of Babe Ruth if you'd hit one of the

pins.

Now I guess I've got no choice but to
give you one of the pins.

This is great, Marshall. This is a real
bowling pin.

Hey, come on. Look at this thing. You
can put this... With the tin can we won

when I shot the stuffed bear.

Come on. It could be worse. I could have
shot him, Marshall. Then what would we

have won? Come on.

Let's go on the Ferris wheel. I feel
lucky.

If you want to. I do. I do want to. I
want to very much.

Come on. If you say so. I do say so.
This is going to be great.

We're just going through to New York. I
hope there's a meal on this flight.

You listening to these, Marshall?

Nice hat. You can work at Shakey's in
the off season.

Okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Where's your seatbelt, Marshal?

Oh, I don't get it.

Hey, when the stewardess explains how to
operate the seatbelt, Marshal, you

can't figure the seatbelt out on your
own. Don't even listen to the part about

the oxygen mask. You're a dead person.

That thing's going to come down and
you're going to go, hello, hello.

What's your favorite animal, Marshal?

A dog? You know, my mother owns a pet
shop and she has lots of dogs. You

come down sometime and see them.

Stop lying.

No, Marshall, I'm not lying. I'm not
lying.

I'm not lying at all.

We're going to go see Accidental
Tourist. You're going to love that.

Stop lying. Okay, all right, so I don't
read. I never read the book. I never

read the books when I go to the movie
theater.

Why are we stopped? They're not letting
anybody else on.

They probably want another buck.

I think we're stuck.

Boy, look at how everything from up here
looks like a toy.

I bet you from where they are, we look
like people.

Boy, Marsha, we might be stuck up here
for a while.

Boy, I hope you didn't make any big
plans for the rest of the day, any

appointments, because we might just have
to wait it out.

Uh -huh.

Oh, there's quite a crowd gathering down
there.

Look.

There's the fire department. Hey, we're
over here, Mr. Fireman.

Mr. Fireman. And here comes the mayor's
limousine.

Look at that.

Oh, look, he's giving someone the big
finger.

I wouldn't be surprised if we're up here
well into the evening.

Oh, boy.

Me and my big mouth.

Hey, look.

What's going on down there?

Hey, they're stealing my car.

Oh, boy, Marshall.

Don't be scared. Everything will work
out.

I'm not scared.

Well, that's good.

If you want to talk, we can just talk
and then you won't be so scared.

I'm not scared.

Oh, don't try to deny it, Marshall. I
know you're scared.

Sometimes it helps to talk things over
when you're scared because then you

think about what you're scared about and
then you won't be so scared anymore.

You know what I mean?

I know.

You know?

Why aren't you talking?

Because I'm not scared.

Right. I'm not either, Marshall.

It's like a prison movie up here.

Hey, Slappy.

How'd it go?

Did you have a good time?

May I be excused?

Please, Marshall.

Sorry.

Oh. Struck out, huh? Yeah, I'm really
sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

Listen, if it's any solace to you, I've
heard this from the other big brothers

before. Oh, really?

Gosh, that does make me feel a little
bit better, but I hope you'll give

comedian a chance sometime, because...
Well, I might.

I'd better go check on Marshall, see how
he's doing.

But, Gary, thanks for trying.

I'm really sorry that it didn't work out
better than it did, and we could have

ended on a kind of happier note, but I
guess I just learned that, really, I

should just leave raising kids to
qualified people like Pete and Jackie.

Gary? I tried.

Gary?

Oh, Gary, I'm so glad you haven't left.

Who were you talking to?

Oh, no, just some people that were in
the building that just got off the

elevator, and I was just saying... Who?

Just, uh, the, uh, Schoenbergs and, uh,
H .A.

They were just coming in, and I said
they recognized me, and I was talking to

them for a second.

What's going on? Why don't you tell Gary
yourself?

Tell him what you told him. Tell me
what?

I had a very nice time, Gary.

Really?

Yes. It just made me sad.

I kept thinking, about my dad.

Oh. The two of them used to get stuck on
top of the Ferris wheel all the time.

Really? But you're real nice and I'd
still like to be my big brother.

Would you?

Really, Marshall?

Yeah.

Yeah. You want to go horseback riding
next Saturday?

Great. Oh, yeah. That way if we get
stuck on the horse we won't have to call

fire department because you don't count
up so high and all that.

Why? I used to think that'd be the one
he'd go on.

Can Gary stay for a while?

Well, I don't know if Gary can stay for
a while, can he?

Yeah. Do you want to come in and play
Cowboys and Indians and build a fort

the sofa cushions?

And then I'll show you my baseball
cards.

And then we can play a gregory. And
Mommy can make us some paschetti and

juice.

Marshall, I'd really love to, but it's a
little too cute for my show.

I understand.

You understand?

So next Saturday, though, we'll
horseback riding.

Great. Okay?

Oh, good. I'll see you then.

See you then. Bye, Gary.

Bye. Bye, Marshall.

He's a good boy.

Bye. Bye.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Channing
Show.

Oh, can I stop waving now?

If you must.