Original subtitles

Boy, do I have a stinko head.

Well, does anybody need another beer? Oh, one more beer. I belched enough

tonight.

Five dots.

Five dots?

Uh, seven crack.

Rebound. I just have a hodgepodge.

White dragon.

White dragon.

Thank you very much. That's just the one I needed.

You're welcome very much. Hey, by the way, beautiful shirt. Good thing you

a sweater vest so you can see all the sleeves.

Seven crack.

We're right in the middle of a great Mahjong game.

One green bomb. That's right. It's a fascinating game. I'm telling you, we

every week. Get together, play every week.

Probably much like you do.

Good flower. Too bad.

Oh, excuse me, one second.

Um, fork crack.

For those of you who have had your head in the sand for the last 2 ,000 years or

have cable, you probably don't know about Mahjong. Mahjong has been around

the Ming Dynasty where the imperial clan actually played for many, many hours

right in the emperor's palace.

Flower.

Flower? Hey, for your flower, I say one.

White dot. I wish my red dragon could have seen that.

It's an old Mahjong joke.

I wish the emperor were here now.

I think he'd especially like this move.

Let my theme begin.

Go hide the Gary show, go go go hide the Gary show. Go

hide the Gary show, go go go hide the Gary show.

Hello.

You know, my theme is also 2 ,000 years old.

But the jokes are as fresh as today.

She's got hair in her drain again. Oh, gosh. That happens every time one of her

daughters gets divorced, isn't it? I mean, it's an old story. Which one got

divorced? Charlene.

Charlene got divorced this time? Not Charlene, the blonde. Too bad. Well, the

one with the dark roots, if you know what I'm saying. I mean, she hasn't been

blonde for a long time. I told you that marriage would never last. Did I tell

you that marriage would never last? Let me tell you something, boys.

Charlene could have done so much better. Amen.

I agree. We all told her, too.

Hi, you guys.

Oh, hey, Nan.

Hello, Nan. I'm not going to interrupt. I just want to borrow your lug wrench.

I've got to install new brake shoes in my car. Oh, sure. It's on the table, I

think. Oh, okay.

Well, isn't it just like a woman to get a new outfit and right away she needs a

new pair of brake shoes?

Hey, oh, when you're done with your woman's work, if you want to play a game

with us, you're welcome to if you can take the heat.

Oh, I don't think so. You guys don't play mahjong for this sport.

You just use it as an excuse to gossip.

Oh, what a terrible thing to say. Why would you say that? He's talking it bad.

Ian tells me all about it.

Oh, he does, doesn't he?

I don't know.

See you later, honey. Go on. Okay.

Crack down, Ian.

Three bad thank you, ma 'am.

So where were we? Believe it's your move, Gare.

Three crack.

I haven't seen Grant around lately. Read him in a week, too, Craig.

What's he been up to?

He's been looking for a job, Gary.

Oh, that's great that Grant's going to get a job. I didn't know that.

It's very good.

A boy gets a sense of responsibility. It's very good.

Yeah, it is. Did you have a job when you were 14?

No.

I had my first job when I was 21.

What did you do?

Same as I do now.

Well, what was that? Rather not say nothing personal, boy. Hey, Gary, do you

think your mom could give Grant the job at the pet shop? You know, he's

unbelievable with animals, stockbroker. What do you mean he's unbelievable with

animals? You don't even have a pet.

He loves animals, and animals love him. You know, last year at the beach, this

little sea lion came up to the beach, and little Grant went down to his tuna

fish sandwich. No, no, no, don't tell.

Don't let him tell this story. You know I always cry when old Whiskers gets

pushed back into the seat.

Please don't. And then you'll go right into that story of how he goes down to

the restaurant and lets all the lobsters loose. Please don't do that.

Okay, what about the job?

I'd be happy to ask her, Pete. Happy to ask her. Thank you, pal. I really

appreciate it. Sure. I don't know, guys. I don't think that's a good idea. It

could interfere with your friendship. Oh, no, no, not us. We've been friends

a long time. Listen, you know Miss Juergens in 17G?

Of course. She gave her friend's son a job a couple years ago, and they don't

talk anymore.

That's not all they don't do anymore. That's right.

No.

It's a different... Mahjong.

I can't believe you guys applauded Mahjong. You're really desperate, aren't

You know, Pete yells, when we go to a Lakers game, at the end of it, Pete

basketball.

I was so sure I was going to win. Oh, well, I'll get Pete next week. I'll win

next week. You watch. In fact, I'm so sure that I'm going to do well next

Let's just say one week has passed, and it's next week, and we're playing

Mahjong again.

You follow me?

You're done.

I know what you're thinking. Why are you guys all wearing the same clothes a

week later?

Well, these are Mahjong uniforms.

And actually, we have two tops, one for away games and one for home games.

He has different vests.

My turn?

One bam.

You guys having a good week? Everything go all right? Yeah, great. You'll never

guess who I saw Charlene with. Who? Hey, who did you see Charlene with?

The kiffing Korean.

Come on, get out of here. Boy, that'll never last. The next thing you know,

she'll be dating the guy who sang my theme.

Boy, she's wild.

She is wild.

So, uh, tell me, did Grant get himself a job?

Oh, yeah, he's working at Gary's mother's pet shop. That's right. I asked

and she gave him a job.

Is he having fun?

Well, fun? No, Gary. He doesn't really use the word fun much these days.

So, well, it's your turn, pal. Why is that, Pete?

Well, Gary, as you know, your mother isn't the most easiest person to work

One crack.

Did he say most easiest?

Pete, what do you mean she's not the most easiest person to work with?

What do you mean?

What I heard is that Grant's not been doing his job. Really? That's right. But

wait, Gary, Grant has never had a job before. This is his first job. No

No kidding. No kidding all the way down the line. Well, it just so happens that

Grant has been just goofing off at work, is what I heard. I mean, how hard is it

to work at a pet shop?

Well, it would be very hard if your boss was a dragon lady.

And if you don't believe me, Gary, take a look at this.

I'll finish, Mr. Shanley.

1 ,000 aquarium couples, just as you requested.

It took you long enough.

Now, I want you to fill that fish tank using this.

8 ,600 drops of water. No more, no less.

Stop your dawdling.

Mrs. Shanley.

Boy!

You find me attractive.

Am I a turn -on?

You're the fairest of them all, Mrs. Shanley.

Did you hear that?

Can you hear that? Can you hear that? Can you hear that? Can you hear that?

This is Rousset.

Queen. My mother is not queen of the

animals.

She happens to be treasurer of the kennel club. That's a little bit

I don't think that's what she really said. I don't know. Poor little baby.

Sounds like something out of Dickens to me.

It's been very difficult for the kid. Let me tell you. Very difficult.

Well, what I heard is that Grant has really been goofing off, and he has a

bad, bad, bad attitude at work, is what I heard. Take a look at this.

Come on, Polly. Tell your story.

Come on. I need a little picture here.

Gotta tell my side of the story.

Come on, you stupid bird.

Matt, could you please help me with these bags?

Buzz off, old woman.

Can't you see I'm still on my break?

By the way, we need to order some of those fish.

Some of the big, thick ones.

Oh, really? Oh, God. That means we sold some this morning.

No. Let's just say, big fish eat little fish.

Um, Grant, honey, I do hope that you will clean out the rabbit cage like I

you. The rabbit made the mess. Let him clean it up.

But, Grant, it is part of your job.

What are you going to do, fire me?

I'm Gary's best friend.

I do think that he'd be a little... disappointed in your behavior.

Oh, what do you know?

Gary's only being nice to you until you make out your will.

Grant ate the fish. Grant ate the fish.

No,

Ruthie.

That bird is really starting to get on my nerves.

Polly want to be a sandwich?

Grant, would you please get me my pills, dear?

I'll get them when I'm good and ready.

Let me tell you something, pal. My eldest son does not eat live fish.

Well, according to this, he does.

I'll bet he's like that shark in Jaws. I'll bet they cut that kid's stomach

open. There's a license plate in there. I'll bet you anything.

God knows what they'll find in there. I'll bet he's eaten his limit more than

once. You don't believe me.

Huh? Come on, you guys.

Could we get back to the game? Every minute we're not playing is costing me

money. I'm with you, Leonard. Here, here.

One crack.

Go. One green dragon.

Seven ducks.

Eight them.

Four crack.

No, eight. Seven.

Seven crack. You can't do that, Gary.

You already put down the four cracks. I didn't take my hand off it. You took

your hand off the four cracks.

Oh, oh, my John, please.

My John, please.

Mark, I knew this was going to happen.

If your mother gave Grant a job, would you stop? I'm trying to unwind after a

hard day at work.

Oh, you're taunting me with this work thing again, huh?

Come on, Gary, this is your house. Make him tell me what he does.

I don't want to tell him what I do.

What are you trying to hide, Gary? Come on. I feel like I'm going to meet the

press. Would you guys just...

Settle down. He owes me an explanation.

Let's just play. Meet the press. Meet the press. And you are the commentator.

You know, Gary, you're the boss. You're just like your mother. That's what you

are. All right, Pete. The commentator. All right, Kyle. You want to play

hardball? You want to play hardball? Batter up. Batter up. I've been saving

tile the whole night. The whole...

ready for Buster. And I just gave him a bath.

Oh, Grant.

Grant. Got a problem?

Would you please go in the back and get Buster from his attishler?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, dear, if I may, I'd love to give you some complimentary toys for Buster.

Oh, but I'm sorry, that's not a toy, but he does love that.

And a little dance for his teeth.

Oh, and this is his toy, the squeaky. The dog's gone.

What? Well, I don't even think there was a dog.

You must be getting senile, you old bag.

Pray for your soul.

I keep asking myself how a loser like you could give birth to a cool guy like

Gary Shandling.

What did you luck out, you old witch?

Okay. All right. I'm not sure that he said which. I'm not sure. I know he

definitely said something about me being cool, though.

If that dog is missing, it's not because of my son. It's because of your smelly

mother. In fact, I know exactly what happened.

This is the smelly woman who's causing all the trouble.

How did you get that tile out of my wallet?

I clean that cage.

Yes, ma 'am.

Oh, well, if it isn't Bestichler.

How are things down there at the rendering plant?

Oh, well, it's glue season again. We can't make enough of it.

That's why I'm here for that dog.

You're going to love Buster.

Boy, go get that dog.

Yes, ma 'am.

Do you need a leash?

Oh, I don't think so.

I just whipped up a fish tank full of martinis. Dig in there, girl.

Lollies for you there.

Cheers.

They're not going to make you into glue, Buster.

Get back here, you!

You get back in there!

I've got you!

My son. My eldest son.

Your son stole that dog, Pete. He saved the dog, Gary. He stole the dog. You

sound like a couple of old women. Now, we're trying to play some Mahjong here.

Okay, listen, I don't want to take sides, but I did see something that was

incriminating.

Well, listen up, Pete.

Well, let the guy talk, Gary. Well, what'd you see?

Well, let me tell you.

I was on my way home from work at 2 o 'clock in the afternoon.

Leonard. And I decided to take a little walk past that store. You know the store

that's got the specials and long stem roses? Well, I ordered quite a few

I have a very large expense account.

Anyway, I thought I'd walk.

So I sent my driver on ahead and I pulled up the collar of my coat.

The mink -lined one. And I went for a stroll through the forest.

Well, what did you see?

I saw Grant climbing up the tree to his treehouse with a dog -shaped

package. What did you think was in it?

I've no idea what was in it.

I saw a tail, and I heard some barking.

Case closed, Pete. Case not closed, Gary. It could have been anything.

Oh, it could have been anything with a tail embarking. Could have been... Maybe

Grant was taking his bathroom slippers up into the tree. Maybe it was.

Oh, yeah.

Could have been anything at all. Uh -huh, uh -huh. I'll bet that dog is in

treehouse right now.

And I bet, I bet it's not.

I'll bet it's there right now with all the other stuff he stole. Why don't we

just go... All the other? Let's go.

Come on. Okay, I'll go right now.

Let's just... Hey, Jeff.

Try not to leave tracks.

I pieced it together.

I know what you do for a living.

What?

I'm not going to tell you.

I bet that dog's not up there. I bet he is. It's not.

It's so.

It's not. It's so. It's not.

It's so. It's not.

It's so. It's not. It's so. It's not. It's so. It's not.

It's so.

Maybe... No, I'm going to stick with his soul.

His nut. His soul.

His nut.

His nut. His soul. His nut.

For those of you who just tuned in, don't ask. Just don't ask.

You know, until they built the Sears Tower, Grant's...

Treehouse was the tallest building in the world.

Oh, boy.

Here, get this lit.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, this thing throws a lot of light.

Does this look like is not or is so?

Hello, little is so.

Hey, Gary.

Gary, are you calling my son a thief? I am now, Pete. He's a thief. He's a big,

big, big thief. Mama's boy.

Son's thief. You're a mama's boy. What are you doing up here?

Well, we came, Mom, to get the door.

Mom! Mom!

I'm so sorry. The whole way up the tree, you had to look up at Grant.

We have your dog, Mom, that's been missing from the pet shop. Oh, I know, I

know. Tell me the truth. Did you take that dog from the pet shop?

Yeah.

He's a little thief, isn't he, Mom?

Oh, heavens no.

Grant asked me if he could bring Buster up here, and I said, well, I think

that's a wonderful idea.

Yeah, I mean, he wasn't eating well at the store.

Now he's fine.

Oh, boy.

Oh, right, right.

Leaving a dog alone in a tall, tall tree. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Mom,

you know, Pete and I thought you guys weren't getting along well at work. I

what you thought. Yeah.

You're wrong.

Well, wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me that Grant didn't make a parrot

sandwich?

Yeah, and...

Don't tell me that Mrs. Tishler doesn't have a hook, because one time she pulled

my car out of the mud on the freeway.

Oh, no, no.

No, that's just Mahjong gossip.

Mahjong gossip. You two really ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Well, you know... Yeah, well... Sorry,

Pete.

Sorry, Al. Sorry.

Okay. Good, good, good. Hey, you guys, let's celebrate.

Let's play Mahjong Junior. It's the treehouse edition.

All the cool kids are playing.

I'm in.

I'm in. A little Mahjong. A little Mahjong.

You know, I heard Betty Ellen, she's getting her braces off.

Those braces didn't stop her from making out with Charlie Taylor in the school

parking lot.

Oh, that relationship will never last.

I heard she's been going out with a ton of the guy who sings my theme.

That's right.

Boy,

there are no snacks up here whatsoever.

I think we're actually above the snack line.

Well, I'll just go home and get some of my own snacks and bring them back. I

know what you're thinking. Oh, you got to go down that tree again? Don't worry.

The back way, there's stairs.

I don't know why we didn't try to go through the balcony, but so what?

Oh, it's sleazy up here.

These are the worst seats. If you ever come to the show, make sure you say,

not in the balcony.

Try and make that expression.

It'll help you out.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed tonight's show, and I'll see you next time. Good night,

everybody.

Hope you enjoyed the scary silent show.