Original subtitles

How's it going?

Welcome to the show.

This is the DMV. Probably a lot of you drove here tonight so you know what this

place is all about.

All right, I got to just take my driver's test, renew it, and then we'll

right on with the show.

You know, I'm really happy I get the chance to renew my driver's license

my last driver's license, the picture, my picture on the driver's license, it

looks like I have, like, really funny hair and big lips.

I don't know what kind of camera, some special DMV camera.

You probably look that goofy yourself.

Boy, the lines really move slow here, don't they? It's just... You ever notice

how slow the lines move at the DMV? I'll bet you a lot of good stand -up comics

could write material about that.

I can't wait to tell the guys down at the club. Next.

Oh.

Thank you. Nice day.

What is... Wait a minute. What is that? Mr. Sandling, please. I'm grading it

down. Oh, I can see you're grading a test.

I didn't miss the first one. Did I? Yes, you missed the first one. How could I

miss the first one? Mr. Shanley, please. I double -checked them even while I was

in line here. Mr. Shanley, a yellow curb is A, a loading zone.

You may stop only to load or unload passengers or freight. All right? I knew

that.

What did I put?

You put B, a very short stop.

Right. Just a short stop just to load or unload something. That's exactly what I

would do. Then I would get in the car and I would pull back out in traffic. If

fit into the flow of traffic, I would look in my rearview mirror. Hey, Mr.

Shanley, this is not an oral exam, all right? You're confusing a white curb and

a yellow curb. That's all. Well, hey, yellow, white, we're all brothers when

comes to this kind of thing. What difference does it make? Calm down, will

Please. Major accidents happen on a curb. You can miss up to five.

Well, five.

You failed. So fast? How could you do that so fast? Yeah, you missed six. I

missed... And two on the Spanish side.

That's right.

Would you... Maybe you made a mistake. I've been studying this... Mr.

I've been here 18 years with this office.

I didn't get where I am, all right, by making mistakes.

Well, I understand that. It's a beautiful place you have here, sir. But

you just...

Double -check my... I've been driving for 19 years. I think you're longer than

you've been here. I don't think that I could have missed that many. Please, you

can come in here and take the test any time you want. I really need my driver's

license. I can't. I really can't. Sorry, Mr.

Shambly. Yeah, just walk around him. Thank you. I did really well.

Thank you, Mr.

Cifelli. That's safely, as in drive safely.

What does that mean? That makes seven. I missed. I didn't count his name.

I really feel stupid.

I have my driver's test.

I didn't feel that bright before I came in here, to be frank with you. I passed

the place once, had a double bath.

Really, you know how stupid I feel?

Watch the opening credits.

Painting eggs is part of the season, but when a chimp takes a shine to them, the

scrambled result is to be expected.

He even tries to bite the pan that feeds him, but the yolk is on him. The egg is

empty.

Why be timid, he figures. Much better being a hard -boiled guy.

Still, this is fun, too, but messy.

ready to play Omelette again.

...in that order will appear in all the correct responses.

Allison, you go first.

Woo words for 100.

You might have read her novel Orlando if you're not afraid of her.

Allison. Who is Virginia Woolf? Woolf, that's the wolf.

Woo words for 200.

Flutes, oboes, and clarinets, for example.

Allison. What are woodwinds? Correct.

Woo words for 300. Robert Redford portrayed him in All the President's

Allison again. Who is Woodward?

Woodward, yep. New words for 400.

A loudspeaker designed to reproduce low frequencies.

Allison. What is a Woodward? Yep. New words for 500.

Dog trainer called a cross between a drill sergeant and Dr. Doolittle. She

passed away in July of 1988.

Allison. Who is Barbara Woodhouse? You are right.

Ooh, that Allison is smart.

I don't feel so good.

I used to get one of those.

I didn't forget to host one. Hi, Gary.

Oh, hi, Nancy.

Boy, did I have a bad day at the travel agency. Did I ever have a bad day at the

travel agency.

Do you know there's a rail strike in Czechoslovakia? I had to book rental

for four of my clients. I'm telling you, that budget place in Prague, Anna and

Sonia are the worst. They are so unprofessional.

You think you had a bad day.

I, uh... Did you ever feel stupid, just really stupid? I mean, just like

incredibly stupid. What'd you do?

I failed my driver's test.

I failed... What did you hit, a cone?

I wish.

I wish I... I didn't even make it to the car.

I got stopped short. I failed the written part. I failed the written part.

felt so stupid, people. I failed the written part of the driving test. Well,

that is pretty stupid.

My mind is mush lately.

I don't know what it is. I used to be smart. I've been sitting here looking

through my old report cards. Look.

I had A's. All A's. A's, A's. They're all A's. This was on a bulletin board.

Look, there's a pinhole mark right there.

It was a book on a board. People would just stop by.

And look, it's a smart child.

Ow, I failed my driver's test.

Do you think we lose it as we get older? I think we do.

I don't know, Gary, but you're 39 years old and you're dragging out your old

report cards. I think that's pretty scary.

It's pathetic. And you know, I had, look, this is the old, remember the

made in camp? Look at the handsome stitching.

I couldn't do this now.

I just couldn't. I'm not kidding. I think we get dumber as we

get older. I have.

So have you. You've gotten dumber.

I have not. Yes, you have.

I haven't. Yes, you have. Look, just because you're slipping, don't drag the

rest of us down. You want to sit there in denial, it's up to you. But trust me,

it's not going well.

What was your major?

What was your major in college? My major was English. English.

And what do you remember from that?

Oh, all right, all right. I remember, um... Really? Oh, I remember. I remember

that, um... Well, there you go.

No, in Moby Dick, the whale represented evil.

I didn't even know that.

Does everybody know that? Is that like a thing that people know and that they

go? All right.

Okay, so maybe we do slip a little as we get older. Maybe we're not as quick as

we once were. I just don't think it's anything to worry about. Well, maybe not

for you.

I got a lot of problems.

Well, Gary, I got to go.

No, I don't have to go. I just want to go. You're depressing me.

Right. Well?

Listen, thanks for letting me in on that whale thing.

That really helped out a lot.

And I'll be all right. This is probably just a phase or something like that.

Don't you worry about a thing. I'm sure I'll be fine.

Even Nance thinks I'm stupid.

You know, you hope a best friend is going to say, no, you're not stupid.

okay. She just said, that's pretty stupid.

There's got to be something wrong with my brain. I'm going to have to check my

brain out.

Chester, bring in the x -ray camera, and I'll get the attachment.

I know what you're thinking at home. What's he doing? What's he going to do?

getting an x -ray camera, and I'm going to look into my brain and see what's

going on. I have to. I know it's not going to be pleasant.

If you don't want to look, look away.

But I've got to put on my protective lead vest.

This is my Nehru lead vest from the 60s.

I don't like to wear it except with my lead bell -bottom pants.

I'll wear this one.

This is really my favorite lead jacket because I can wear it with anything.

I forgot the x -ray attachment.

I gotta have this on so that otherwise you don't see

into my brain.

This makes it the x -ray camera.

I swear, you're going to love this.

I'm really sorry to take the time to have to do this on the air, but I've got

see what's wrong.

Bring her in.

Bring her right in.

There we go.

There we go. I can see my ear. There's my... My hair looks best this close.

Okay, we're in my head now.

I hope it's nothing serious.

There's my brain.

This is my actual brain.

I can't believe it's just laying there.

Hey, come on.

It's four in the afternoon, laying around in pajamas.

No wonder I can't think right.

Hey, come on, get up. Get up and go get dressed and do start thinking.

What?

Get up?

What the hell do I have to get dressed for?

What do you do that requires thought?

You lather, rinse, repeat.

You change your shelf paper every day.

You paint your hamper. And then, to kick back from that strenuous day, you watch

Green Acres and Petticoat Junction.

Sure ain't gonna put on a tie for that.

That's not true. I make some pretty deep thoughts.

I try.

Yeah?

Let me show you what you think.

I'm tired.

I'm hungry.

How's my hair?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

That's, that's right.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. That's, that was that time I kept biting my lip.

That's brilliant.

Oh, oh, don't, don't, don't. That's an attractive picture.

some pajama tops on. I can see your cerebellum.

Hey, hey. Thank you. Hey. Thank you. You want a brain with a tight cortex.

Why don't you try giving me some stimulation?

Why don't you... I'll give you some stimulation. What kind of stimulation?

Well, read a book, for God's sake.

Travel. Meet some new people.

Look. All right, it's very clear to me from this. Now I can see what's going

We don't like each other, but we gotta... Are you listening to me? We got

make a deal of some sort, because we've got to function together.

All right, all right, hold it.

I promise, if you promise to give me a little more stimulation, then I'll do my

best to see that you don't act like an idiot.

I'll do what I can.

Hey. Hi. Who's that?

Him? He's your voice box.

My voice box?

So I'm out on this boat fishing.

Hey, hey, hey. I look back. I see the worm is water skiing.

I don't sound like that.

Yes, you do.

you think you're talking to?

I'm talking to myself, and I don't think I sound like that.

Boy, I thought it was bad down in your throat. It's really slow up here.

Hey, hiya, Mr. Pete.

Mr. Pete.

I know what you're thinking.

You're wrong.

This guy's your pancreas.

He's here to play cards.

Oh, oh.

When you said Mr.

P and then this guy walks in with hands in his pockets.

All right.

You know, he's actually pretty big for a pancreas.

You know, ladies, it's not how big your pancreas is, it's how you use it.

much credit is given to Crick and Watson. People forget Lioness Pauling

forth the single helix theory.

And when I examined the diffraction grating, I saw there was an opening of

angstroms. Can you believe it?

Isn't this great? You know, my brain needed some stimulation, so I decided to

have this smarty party.

I think it's a good idea, and I have all these. These are Nobel Prize winners. I

called them up, and they came over. And then also here are some of my friends.

Nancy,

this might be the cocktails talking, but you are a very beautiful woman.

Oh, Kim, you're so charming.

At last, I'm in with the in crowd.

That's right. He goes where the in crowd goes.

How about some pool, cutie? You're on, sailor.

Hey, Shanley, isn't it something about Carl Yastrzemski and Johnny Bench being

inducted to the Hall of Fame for baseball players?

Oh, it sure is. It sure is. I think they deserve to be inducted. On their first

try? Yeah.

Those two guys are the rudest players of baseball. Do you know that when I was

at the stadium for baseball playing, I waved at them?

And they didn't wave back.

That's no way to behave.

What do you think, Shanley?

Shanley?

Yoo -hoo!

Yoo -hoo, Shanley!

I'd rather be in a jar than talk to this guy.

Excuse me, Mr. Guest.

Have a good time.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Did he say players of baseball?

You know, I've just got to get some, like, really great mental stimulation.

This guy here, Dr. Jeremiah Bosgang, won the Nobel Prize for Medicine, I think

it was in 1963.

This has got to give my brain a good workout.

Dr. Jeremiah Bosgang?

All right.

It's showtime!

Dr. Bosgang.

Thanks so much for coming to the party. I'm a big fan of yours. I've read a lot

of your work about DNA polymerase.

Way to go.

We're clicking. We're moving. I'm feeling the burn.

Yes, I've discovered that if the polymerase gets hold of a non

-complementary nucleotide, it fails to bond with the DNA strand.

Right. DNA.

Right. You know, my wife Jackie and I do some interesting work with the PTA.

Pete, Pete, he's a scientist. I think you're talking about another field

altogether. Dr.

Bosgank's talking about genetics.

Oh, yeah, I've seen those commercials on TV. You know, L. Ron Hubbard. Yeah, and

the volcanoes.

I'll tell you something, it changed our life.

Yeah, that's, um, diametric.

Dianetics, schmionetics. It still changed our lives. Come on.

I don't believe this conversation.

Who invited the Schumachers to a sporting party?

I'm so happy to know that a gag man like you is interested in my work. Perhaps

you'd like to know some of my equally brainy friends. Oh, I sure would. Otto

over here won the Nobel Prize in Physics, but he's got quite a funny bone

himself. Otto, now tell Gary one of your jokes.

Oh, well, have you heard the one about the chemist's buxom daughter who ran a

particle accelerator?

No, can't say I've heard that one. Oh, well, you do know what a...

radioactive isotope is, don't you? Because the whole story hinges on you

that.

Sure. Sure.

It's... I believe it's an unstable form of an element

which consists of an excess of neutrons that send out sporadic bursts of

radiation.

Yes! Yes! Oh, yes!

This chemist's daughter was really butsome.

She had a degree of curvature that was amazing.

Anyway, one night there was a traveling component salesman who asked the chemist

if he could spend the night in the lab.

You know, ever since I took that time with Dr. Bosgang and had that smarty

party, I mean, my brain has never been in such good shape in its life.

This thing's a snap.

How many feet do you have to stay back from the railroad crossing?

Seven and a half.

Seven and a half.

Oh, hey, look, Mr. Safely's here.

Mr. Safely.

I took my test again, Mr. Safely. Shanley, Shanley, try another state,

Oh, oh, I am so glad I got you, sir, because you're the best examiner there

here. I think you're going to be... Yeah, all right, all right. Let's see

you do.

Got the first one right. I can't believe this.

I think you're going to like the other ones as well, sir.

You got them all right.

Somebody helped you, right?

Right? No one helped me.

I did this on my own.

You got a copy of the test. I did not. I did not get a copy of the test. My

brain and I just figured all these out on our own. I studied. I prepared. All

right, all right, all right.

I'm going to double -check this.

Double -check it? You didn't want to double -check it last week when I was in

here. I said, would you double -check? Mr. Shanley, Mr.

Shanley, I have been here.

18 years and three days, and I've never seen these questions so perfectly

answered. No erasures, no stray pencil marks, perfect circles. I'm going to

double -check it, okay? Double -check it. I also, sir, wrote this little

essay called The Car, A Two -Ton Bullet.

Can I read this to you, sir? I hate to admit this, Shandling, but I am in over

my head here, and I am going to bring my supervisor over, and he is going to

help me. You're in over your head, just as I got them all right. Herb, come

here. I need some help.

You know, it was easier to get into the University of Arizona.

What, Herb? I did it on my own.

All right, Shandling.

All right, Shandling. I don't believe it, but you passed.

Wow. You passed.

Thank you, Mr.

Faisley.

Thank you.

Get out of here and get your picture taken, all right? Okay.

I won't even need your photographer. I brought my own photographer.

You brought your own photographer?

Yes, sir.

Have a nice day.

Maurice, I passed.

Maurice, I just need the picture.

Good night, everybody, and I'll see you on the road.

Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Channing. So.