Original subtitles

Thanks. Thank you.

Well, nice to see you again.

I say again because this is the same audience that comes every Tuesday, which

is Tuesday, which means, of course, this is the day I have lunch with my lovely,

lovely mother.

Aren't you thrilled?

Sure. Really?

Well, then why don't you ever have her at your house?

She should be coming in any minute now. We have lunch every Tuesday, and then we

watch soap operas.

Now, I know what you think.

First of all, I'm not a big soap opera fan, I have to be honest with you, but

it's the price I have to pay for the free meal.

That's right. Last week, Mom made dinner for me, and then I had to watch two

Liberace specials.

So it's not a pretty story. So she should be coming in any minute, so let's

move right along and wash up.

before we listen to the opening theme, the way we all should wash before we

listen to the opening theme.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like the show? How do you like

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're going to talk about where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his Gary

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary's Sandling show.

This feels so good. This is actually a beach towel before I put it in the

steamer.

Come over here. I'll show you how good this feels.

Just put your face up to the TV.

Come here. This is going to feel so good.

Oh, boy.

Oh, doesn't that feel good?

Thank you, Gary.

I want to shave you and then take you dancing.

Would you like that? Go pick out something to wear. Hello, Bubba.

Oh, hi, Mom. Hi.

Oh, this is good.

We're having goldfish again for lunch. That's great. You know it's Chinese.

Oh, yeah, but that's even better because goldfish go right through me and then I

believe they swim right out to sea.

Do you know what happened today?

What?

I sold Ramon.

The minor bird. Yeah, you know, it's an end of an era at Ruth's Pet Corral. He

was with us for five years. Don't you remember that? I do. Yeah. Oh, and you

should have seen the look on his poor sweet face when I rang up the sale.

It reminded me of the look on your face the first day of kindergarten.

Really was yelling, hey, they're going to beat me up. I just know it. I just

know they're going to beat me up.

Well, you know, you were a sissy back then.

Oh, please. You thought it was the way you wore those, you remember the way you

wore those husky pants?

It wasn't the husky pants. We've been through this before. It was the bow tie

and the thongs.

That's what did it.

Oh, Bubba, Bubba.

It's 2 o 'clock, and General Hospital is about ready. Mom, the TV will go on

when it's 2 o 'clock. It's not ready.

There it goes.

There it goes. See?

I have that timer. You know, I have a timer. You probably thought the little

on my TV turned the TV on.

They would have turned on something like cartoons.

I'll come right over there in a second, Mom. Okay. But you guys have been so

great. Come on. Why don't I just pick your teeth for you?

Put your mouth up to the TV.

Come on, don't be shy. Come on. Hello, my name is Dr. Gary. Come on.

There you go.

There you go. Oh, I see some potential

gum problems here.

Are you flossing? Are you flossing?

So, what do you want to do on this weekend? Do you want to do something?

I'm sorry, but I've got plans.

Well, that's great.

That's good.

Oh, where are you going?

What kind of plans? Oh, just plans.

Oh, gosh.

Where are you going exactly?

What are you doing? What kind? Oh, come on, Gary. Don't do this, okay?

I think you're great, okay? And I really want to see you again. But I can't this

weekend because I have plans. Well, no, it actually works out great because I

have plans. So it'll be perfect.

busy i happen to on all this weekend i have as a matter of fact some people i

know need some root canal work make an

appointment right now so i can fit you in oh hello bubba oh mom

what are you doing here i just stopped by to tell you that all this week i'm

giving away five pounds of puppy chow with every dog i sell

That is such good news, Mom. And that's why you came by, to tell me that? Hello.

This is Christine. Hello. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Yes, well, you know, yesterday we just, we mentioned Ramon. Right. And we

mentioned the store.

Well, guess what? Guess what?

What? Today, business doubled.

Well, that's great, Mom. Thanks for coming by.

That's great. But you know what that means.

Well, people who aren't in jail watch your show, too.

Well, they just walked in, just free as can be, and bought things and left, and

they didn't hurt anybody.

Right. Gosh, that's lucky.

Oh, you know, people are aware that the... Well, the flea problem, it is.

an all -year thing.

Oh, Christine, what better way to show your pet that you love it... than with a

Ruth's special flea collar that glows in the dark, or a rawhide shoe.

I don't have a dog.

No, and those rawhide shoes, Mom, get stuck in my throat, and then I'm all day

going...

Chasing cars, and it's not good.

Hush, Bubba. Christine, when you do want a dog, you know where to come, don't

you? To Ruth's Pet Corral, where the San Diego Freeway and Ventura Freeway meet.

She's got a beautiful spot right on the Diamond Lane there.

Oh, I've got to get back to the shop. It was so nice to meet you, Christine. Bye

-bye, Bubba. Bye, Mom.

Oh, man.

Gary.

Does your mom always do that? No, no, you've witnessed it first. This is the

first time my mother's come in and done a live television commercial. Hey,

everybody, I forgot.

Say hello to Hercules, whose price is too low to mention on television.

But I will tell you, when you come down to Ruth's Pet Corral, where the San

Diego and Ventura freeways meet, I'll see you there.

You know, honey, my father was crazy Eddie Shandling. Maybe you should kiss

Hiya, Gare.

Oh, Leonard.

Leonard, thanks for knocking, pal.

Oh, bonsoir, mademoiselle.

Bonsoir. You know, Gare, I couldn't help but notice your mother's... My mother's

what? Commercial interruptions on the show. Well, none of us could help

those.

Smoke? What are those, Leonard Smith cigarettes?

My own special blend.

Available... Exclusively in the condo.

Mm.

Tasty.

Refreshing. Like a Florida vacation.

I've heard it described just that way.

Taste a Leonard and compare. It's like sitting in Miami on a big lounge chair.

Lee, please, please, please.

Hello.

Just Lee, you can't advertise on the show and you can't advertise cigarettes.

Okay, let's go home then. Just go. You know, Gary, I get it. You know, I

understand. A guy's got to be your mom. I'm getting free air time around here.

Just stop, Leonard. Just stop.

You know, you come in here, you don't knock, and I just waxed the floor.

Now look.

Oh, I have more trouble when people tap in here.

I'm sorry.

Okay, Gary.

Oh, hey, darling.

Hi.

Hey.

We just talked about asking if you could move your car. You're blocking us. Oh,

sure. Leonard's got a date, huh?

Nice spot. Yeah.

I'll explain it to you later. I have to have a talk with my mom. Believe me. Oh,

that was your mom?

Nice mom.

Well, thank you very much.

This is a good friend of mine. This is Gwen Frazier. Oh, hello.

And this is Bumper Frazier. Oh, nice to meet you, Dumper.

Dumper.

Dumper, he's quick. He's very quick. Oh, of course he is. Here you are, dear.

Oh, you have to go. Excuse me.

You know, Bubba, your mother never stopped talking about you. Oh, I'll bet.

Oh, please.

It just came out of my body and I called it Bubba.

Here you are, dear.

Hi. All right. Thank you. Bye -bye. Thank you. See you soon.

Oh,

I've never seen the shop so busy. I know. Isn't it wonderful?

Oh, it's great. And wait till Tuesday when I tell your audience about the new

shipment of finches.

Oh, great. So you're coming on Tuesday?

Oh, of course. It's Tuesday. It's General Hospital. It's Chinese. And I'll

there. I wouldn't miss it. Great. Great.

Great. Great.

Well, when you come on Tuesday, you know...

Would it be okay if we didn't mention the pet shop at all? Because we'll have

our Chinese food and we'll have a great time.

But is it all right if we don't mention the pet shop?

Why?

Well, it's nothing really important. It's just a little awkward, you know.

It's awkward?

Well, it's a little... You know, Mom, it's just a little... uncomfortable to

talk about the pet shop. Uh, I see, I see. It makes you uncomfortable, the pet

shop, and I make you uncomfortable. No, no, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom. This store,

this store that puts you through all those junior colleges?

No, Mom.

Mom, please.

Don't think I'm not grateful for my education, Mom. I just, I just think

best... if we didn't mention it. I'm not embarrassed at all. I love you. I love

Mrs. Frazier. I love Dumper. I love everything.

I just don't think that you should, you know. All right. All right. Well, I

understand. I understand.

And I won't mention the shop when I come by anymore.

Because I just won't come by.

No, something might slip out. Something might slip out. Mom, you're

overreacting. I've ruined your whole day. Mom, you're overreacting. Don't do

this. No, no, no, no. I think it is for the best. No, please. Mom, Mom. Mom,

you're just overreacting. You're interfering with my business.

Goodbye, Gary.

Oh, gee.

Mom, you're really overreacting to this whole thing. Goodbye, Gary.

Maybe this whole thing will blow over by next Tuesday.

I guess I'll just have to wait it out. Boy, I wish I could just say it's next

Tuesday. Then I could just... This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Welcome to the show. Well, thank you. Well, it's next Tuesday.

And, you know, it usually doesn't take me a full week to get dressed. I have a

full week to prepare. Usually I can get dressed in just 41 seconds.

Anyway, those of you who saw last week's show know that I had a huge argument

with my mom because she was coming on the show and advertising her pet shop.

Well,

I haven't heard from her all week.

Oh, that girl Christine?

Yeah, the girl with the plans, remember her? Well, we're hitting it off great. I

can't complain about that. In fact, she'll be back, and I'm sure that'll

lot of you guys happy because we've gotten a lot of mail about her. Look at

that stuff.

That's chock full there. Look it, you can see how full that is.

So you'll be seeing a lot more of Christine and her plans.

this weekend?

Oh, well, actually, I've got plans.

Boy, that's a great hook, isn't it?

Plans. She's the plan lady.

Have you heard from your mom yet, Gary? No.

I thought I would for sure, too.

Oh, gosh, Gary. She's never missed a Tuesday General Hospital. I know. You

if she could still show up. If she doesn't, I don't really want to watch it

without her, but, you know, well, there.

No, it's on, and she isn't here.

I don't even want to look.

Just watch a little bit. No.

Go ahead.

Just a little bit.

Amy, have you seen Jessie?

No, it's not my day to watch her.

But if I see her, I'll let you know. Thank you, Amy. Sure.

It's fine, Mom.

You're hallucinating. No, no. He leaves her face everywhere he goes.

At the beach? And even at the picture show?

Have you seen her?

Tell me.

Tell me, have you seen her?

Hello, Shy Lights. We salute you.

Hi. Can I help you?

Did you know that Ruth's pet...

I got off the elevator, and I'm going to assume she's a patient of yours.

I'll check it out with Dr. Foster.

Good idea.

General Hospital will continue in a moment. That's it.

I can't. This is... She's gone on another show to plug her headshot.

I'm going to go over there and talk to her.

I'm going to go talk to her. Let's go. Come on. Christine, aren't you coming? I

was planning to.

No, no, no, I am not insane.

The only crazy thing is the price is down at Ruth's Pet Corral.

This is a lot nicer elevator than they have on St.

Elsewhere, I'll tell you that.

Mom.

Papa, what are you doing here?

Well, I'd be careful.

Obviously, this woman needs help.

Excuse me. I don't think he's met.

I'm Dr. Hardy.

Hi. I'm Christine.

Amy.

Amy, I think Dr.

Hardy's in love.

Would you please excuse me? I think I have something in my eye.

Is this your mother?

Yes, it is.

You know, she tried to bring a horse in here.

I'll take care of her. Thanks for not hitting on my mom, by the way.

Mom, you know, why don't you bring the horse over to the house?

I miss you.

This way the horse and you and me, the three of us, we could sit around and

watch General Hospital and have Chinese food and just talk things over like the

whole time.

Oh, come on.

Will you? What have I done?

Oh, I had no idea how foolish I was looking. I just feel awful. I mean, I've

just made an ass out of myself and a monkey out of my son.

Oh, God, dear. I go on mentioning animals again.

No, it's okay, Mom.

It's okay. You forgot to mention the stores on the corner of Ventura Freeway

the San Diego Freeway, right?

Right.

Saturday till 9, and you validate parking, right?

And it'll match any price in town. And you have those little baskets you can

carry and stock up. It's like one -stop head shopping, isn't it? Come on, let's

go.

So,

Christine, what are you doing later tonight?

Isn't that Ian?

Oh, Gary, don't be silly. That guy looks nothing like Ian. It sure looks like

Ian to me.

Wasn't that Gary Shanley?

No, I doubt it. One would hope that Gary Shanley would look better than that.

Well, we have snakes and we have rabbits and we have adorable poochies like

Buster here that are just waiting to go home with you. So come on down to Ruth's

Pet Corral where the Ventura and the San Diego... freeways meet, I'll see you

here.

That's right. That's right. I bought my mother her own commercial time. So now

she can... Now when she comes over to the house, she just comes here to feed

And, Christine, well, let's just say that tonight is the first time we're

plans together.

Now, where will you be on...

On the 25th of the month.

25th. Oh, gosh, Gare. Sorry, I got plans.

Oh, I have some plans, too. Excuse me just a second. I forgot. I'm going to

shave you at home. Good night.

Hope you enjoyed this Gary Shanley show.