Original subtitles

Throw it. Throw it.

You throw like a girl.

There. That was a man's throw.

That was sad.

That was so sad.

Yeah. What are you yelling yeah for? That's mine. That's the next.

Pretty exciting, huh?

Yeah. A lot of you probably thought you were tuned to ESPN for a second.

What we're doing is Grant and I made a New Year's resolution to get back in

shape. So what we're doing is we're playing this toss -across game.

And, well, I'm sure you're laughing because you're saying, how can you get

in shape with these bags?

Fifteen pounds each.

So it kind of combines the strenuous physical activity that you want along

the intellectual... It's not that easy to say intellectual.

Okay, you try and talk when you're working out.

See?

Intellectual rigors have tic -tac -toe. That's what I meant to say.

And it's working, isn't it? Look how good... Look at what it's done for a

grant here.

That's right. It's your turn.

There we go.

I don't.

Okay. Now, don't cheat while I'm getting the door. I have one, two, I have four

X's.

Okay. Boy, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. It's a good thing I watch Hollywood

Squares. It prepares me for that game.

You know, I throw beanbags at the TV.

Oh. Oh, Brad.

Hi, Gary. Hey, come on in.

Hi, kids. Brad. That's Brad, my manager.

You've never seen him before. This is the first time he's ever come on a show

day.

Oh, and he carries his own phone.

That should let you know just what's going on.

Oh, what is that?

I wanted to drop off your leotard for Circus of the Stars.

Well, I'm going to really look masculine in that. That's great.

Listen, I'm starting to feel like a delivery boy. How about we put this on

couch? Yeah, put it right down here. Let me take a look at it. You're going to

do Circus of the Stars again?

Oh, of course. Can I come?

Oh, no, no, no. We had this discussion last year. Remember, I need complete

concentration. I have a lot of difficult stunts, and I can't be distracted.

Remember last year? You made me drop Dom DeLuise.

Remember? He slipped right out of that thing, and I hold him in my mouth. It

so embarrassing.

He was spinning. There was no problem. And then, bam, he fell and he hit.

I hope those two kids are okay that he fell.

I think I have a career bulletin.

Career bulletin?

I know what bulletin means. What is it?

I got you two weeks at the Sands in Las Vegas, end of next month. Two weeks in

Vegas? And your room, your food and beverage, all copped, copped, copped.

Copped? Am I a great manager or what?

Unbelievable. That's so... But wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't I have a week at

Mr. Peck's the end of the month? Well, didn't you hear? Mr. Peck's is closing.

After 40 years, they're tearing it down and putting up a mall.

I didn't hear that.

That's terrible.

What's the big deal? I mean, I'd rather have a new mall that I can hang out in

than some smelly old nightclub.

Gary, the kid's right. The kid's right. I mean, look, I love Mr. Peck as much as

you do, but time marches on, and Vegas is your future. No, Brad. And besides, I

think this gig will help get you out of your rut.

Rut? What rut? I'm not in a rut. Trust me, you're in a rut. You do Mr.

Peck's, you do this little show of yours. I don't want you getting tagged.

Forever. As Gary, it's Gary Shanley Show Shanley. It's death. That's career

suicide.

You know what you're forgetting, Brad? You know, if it wasn't for Mr. Peck, I

would still be, Gary, can I show you something in black Shanley?

I'd still be sitting in that lingerie shop, holding stuff up. If it wasn't for

Mr. Peck, I wouldn't be in show business.

So let's not forget that. Yeah, you're talking to me like I don't have any

feelings, and I resent that. I have feelings.

Okay, here's what you do.

You invite Mr. Peck to the Sands in Las Vegas, you give him two seats ringside,

you invite him on stage, you give him a nice big hug in front of everybody, and

bus fare home. End of discussion.

Maybe I was speaking wrong. Maybe you do have feelings. That proves it right

there.

Bringing him on stage, that's a nice move, but I gotta go talk to him and see

how he's taking it.

That's where I'm going right now. What about me, Gary? What about... Oh.

That's right. We were working out, weren't we? Yeah. All right.

Yeah. And I promised I'd work you into a sweat today, too, didn't I? Yeah. All

right. All right. Let me think for a minute. Well... What? Do I have to

your whole life for you? Take the kid with you.

Just take the kid with you. Right, left, right, left.

You know, don't start explaining it to me. I was right there. I knew... I would

just come up with that idea.

Come on. You go with me. I'll take him with me. Okay.

You want to go?

No, I'm going to stay here and check my messages.

Oh, well, good. Well, use your little sissy phone.

Come on, we'll jog to the car. And the rest of you, here's a tape of my first

performance at Mr. Peck's during the opening credits, and you'll see why that

place means so much to me.

Hi. I just, my name's Gary Shandling, and I just,

I grew up in, I was born in Chicago,

Illinois, and when my, and when my, and then my

parents moved, when I was two years old, my parents moved to Arizona.

Wish they would have told me.

I went to... I grew up in high school. I was in high school.

And a lot of the guys in high school... Go ahead.

I think it's hard to see you guys.

Hi, Gary. I was in high school, and we had this one guy who was on the

gymnastics team.

And, well, he got stoned once, and they caught him trying to feed a carrot to

the side horse.

Oh.

Running a few old tapes.

I don't know. I remember that one. How does it hold up?

It's as good today as it was in those days.

Lenny Bruce.

May 1962.

Funny man.

Very clever notion.

You know, Mr. Pepp believed in Lenny Bruce before anyone else did, didn't

Tell me your theory.

What do all great comedians have in common?

Two first names.

Lenny Bruce.

Steve Martin.

Steve Allen.

Woody Allen.

Marty Allen.

Al Lewis.

Jerry Lewis.

Who's this guy, Crazy Al?

I don't even know who... Don't ask.

The biggest disaster I ever had in the club here.

It was a club of a kind of a guy, you know, college boy.

But as a comedian, a disaster.

I don't need to remember him.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure for me to receive this

time... Not funny!

That's awful.

He's like...

He's reading his material. Yeah, well, I told him to do that.

He had no memory at all. Well, he's got that accent.

No wonder I never heard of him.

Yeah, well, you know, you go through all kinds of comedians, right? Yeah, yeah,

yeah. All right, fellas.

Grab a box. Help me, will you?

I'm really sorry about all this. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this

stuff. Hell, you could sell it at the mall.

Funny kid, Gary.

Reminds me of a young Rickles.

Ah, look at this. Look at this. Before you, you see my life in boxes.

Oh, wow.

Is this you, Uncle Mr. Peck?

Ah, yes.

That's me with Zero Marcel.

Wow. And he's drinking a Peck's Punch.

That's right.

A very strong drink, eh, Gary?

Well, I don't know. I just used to drink the Little Bo Peck without... Oh, yeah,

the... And there I am, huh?

with George Burns, Norm Crosby, Danny Lassie, Buddy Hackett. That's really

something. And here I am on a USO tour with Martin and Lewis. There I am.

Great. Oh, look.

Here's Thurston Howell III.

No, no, no, no. That's the character he played on Gilligan's Island. His real

name was Mr. Magoo.

No, no, no. That's Jim Backish. Mr. Magoo's a cartoon character.

Is that right? Yeah.

Oh, well, take a last look before they turn this place into a yogurt shop in

mall.

It seems like there should be something we could do to stop this guy, you know?

No, Trugman, Alan Trugman is ruthless.

Nothing is sacred to him. You know, maybe we could get a petition.

And have a lot of people sign it, a lot of, you know, people who have worked

here. No way. And we can have the place declare a landmark, a historical

landmark. My lawyers broke their brains they couldn't come up with anything.

I'm telling you, this petition could be the thing.

You're really serious? Yeah.

You think a petition could save the place? I don't know. I don't know. It's

I got my show.

Let me give it a try.

Wow.

Why does Martin Mall have such a big house?

I mean, you have your own show.

Why do you live in a small...

condo. You know, I could check into that myself.

Wow, Martin Maul sleeping.

Hey, Uncle Gary, you have your own show. How come you're always awake?

Oh, shut up.

Hey, Martin.

Hey. Hi. Hey, sorry to wake you. That's all right. I was just sleeping.

Oh, well, perfect then. This is my friend Grant.

Oh, hi, Mr. Maul. Do you mind if I take a dip in your pool?

Well, I don't think Mr. Maul has, you know, swimming trunks for you, Grant.

that's okay. I got it taken care of.

Oh, no. He needs them, trust me.

All right, I'm gone.

See you later. Have fun.

What's up?

I'm just preparing for this class.

Sorry about that.

Really. The dog will be normal soon.

You heard about Mr. Peck, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Isn't that horrible what they're doing to you? Oh, so I have this petition.

We're trying to get the place declared a landmark so they can't tear it down,

and I thought you might want to...

Yeah, I'd do anything for old Mr. Peck. You know, if it wasn't for him, I

wouldn't be living here, that's for sure. I'd be stuck in some little dumpy

condo in Sherman House.

Right.

Okay. Hey, that is great. There you go.

Good luck with this.

Thank you. I think it's a fool's errand, frankly.

I think that when you're up against a guy like Trugman, it's not going to

What do you mean?

I think you need money.

Money? You mean... Excuse me, Mr. Mall.

Here's your shoe. Oh, boy.

Here's your ball. And my balls. Time to kick.

Thank you, honey. Time to kick. Yeah, I got to do my place -kicking practice. I

know most people do it in the morning, but I'm an afternoon kind of kicker,

so... Yeah.

Well, where am I going to raise that kind of money, Martin? I don't know,

Nice one.

Yeah. Well, you know, I'd make a donation, except, again, I'm a private

I can't really do that. I rarely leave the property anymore, Gary. Well, what

about... Why would I?

You've got 45 yards straight ahead right here. Those are nice ones. I know a

Hollywood director who's really well -connected, knows everybody in the

community. I'm going to talk to him. Yeah?

Yeah. You're going to pay for the damage done to my hand, aren't you? Well,

wouldn't you be nice on that right away?

Oh, boy.

I got both of them, didn't I?

Power tools, then. Black and Decker. I'm sorry.

I failed woodshop.

Rob, Rob. What do you want?

I'm really sorry, but your eyes are as bad as mine.

You know, that's a good idea to have the vent holes there, too. They're safety

glasses. Oh, right. Safety glasses.

I'm making a birdhouse.

There are a lot of homeless birds waiting for me to finish this house.

you want? What do you want?

Make it brief. Make it brief. You know, Mr. Peck, the comedy club, just... No.

I can't believe that you're just saying that. No. Because Mr. Peck's where Lenny

Bruce started, you know.

Lenny Bruce I've heard of. I've learned Lenny Bruce. I don't know Mr. Peck.

It's Mr.

Peck's punch.

Peck's punch. Like, I don't know Mr. Peck. How am I going to know Peck's

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

I'm a director. I don't go to comedy clubs.

Well, where do you go? I don't know.

Directing clubs, I guess.

What do you want from me?

Is your dad here?

Because your dad probably knows about Mr. Peck. Gary, this is my home.

I don't live with my dad. I'm a grown man. You're kidding.

No, no.

Please.

Would you just... I feel really awkward about this. Well, you should feel

awkward. You should feel like an intruder.

That's how you should feel. Like an awkward intruder.

Good, bud. Good, good, good.

Yes.

Look, tell Mr. Shanley to wait outside.

I don't have any more interruptions. How are you doing?

Yeah, he's in. Have him come in.

Did I walk in at a bad time? No, no, we're just doing a little editing here.

Oh, what are you editing?

A movie we're trying to get out for February. Bert Rigby, You're a Fool.

Gee, it looks great.

It's only one frame, but you can tell from that.

What must come after that is probably really exciting.

Put all the frames together.

I just came by.

You heard about Mr. Peck's, right? Isn't that a shame? Tearing down a landmark

like that, all those memories, that's horrible.

Well, I just have this petition to sign. I just wanted to raise some money,

maybe. You want to raise money?

You don't do it with petitions. You do a benefit. You get all the stars out.

That's a great idea, Carl. You could do a benefit, and then we could have all

the people who used to work at Mr. Peck's over to the place. They'll do a

and that'll draw a big crowd, and we'll make some money.

I gotta go.

Thanks, you guys. Thanks a lot. Nice to meet you, bud. Thanks, Carl. Really

appreciate it.

Oh, jeez. That's good. That's good, bud.

Hi, Gary. Hey, Tammy. Come on in. Oh, you're just taking your treat out? No,

Just putting it up. Just putting it up? Yeah.

Want to put an ornament up? Go ahead and take an ornament there. Oh, well, gee.

Oh, that's a Christmas ornament. This is a Valentine's Day treat.

Oh, that's a nice idea.

Hey, did you hear about Mr.

Peck?

No, what happened? They're cutting and closing his club down. No.

Oh, it's horrible, isn't it? It's just horrible.

He's still alive?

He's doing great. He's fine.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. We're just having a benefit for him. We're going to

have all the guys who used to work there work because we need to raise some

money, really. Good idea.

How can I help? Well, money or work. What are the two?

I can't work.

I could help you out with a little cash, I guess.

Well, whatever you feel comfortable with. I feel awkward asking you. $50

would be good.

There's a suitcase by the fridge. Would you bring that in here? Sure.

You keep money by the refrigerator?

Just egg money.

Gee,

I can't believe that you're... This is really nice of you.

Listen, you know, he meant a lot to me.

This is really great. I modeled my career after him. I don't believe it.

it's all in bundles? Can I count this? You don't trust me?

Well, that's really nice, because I know he meant a lot to you. Not a problem.

I remember the first time Mr. Peck came out on stage and said, Hello, everybody,

I'm Mr. Peck, and you're not.

Remember that, Kate?

Remember that overnight bag I keep by the fridge in my bathroom? Yeah. Would

get that for me, please?

Hurry up, Kate! And then he took one of those nasty spills right over the

inside. Yeah, I used to fall down all the time. Here, maybe this will... Oh,

that's really nice.

Want to count it?

What? No, I try.

I think that nasty spill over all the chairs, remember? People would really

laugh. Everyone realized that. That's the funniest fall.

Yeah,

listen, Gary.

Take this with you. Oh, I like this. Enjoy that. It is great to see you. Good

luck with the tree. I'd like to come back and do a memorial date. All right,

come back. We'll trim.

Thanks, Chevy. Okay. Adios.

Okay, Kate.

Of course Gary is bright. What kind of a question is that?

No, no, no. Look, look.

The only reason he hasn't been on password is because of scheduling

Not because of any lack of intelligence on his part.

Well, I'd like to know who feels that way.

Give me a name. Give me a name.

I can't believe you're still on the phone. Okay, okay. Look, look. I'm done

playing 20 questions. Do we have a deal? Yes or no?

Great. We'll be there.

Hold on to your hat.

I just booked you next week on What's My Line 89.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know. I know what you're thinking. I know what

you're thinking. But this time you are not a contestant. You're on this lovely

panel.

You're good at guessing people's professions, right?

Well, for the most part, I haven't figured out what you do.

But when I do... Well, listen, I can't do anything next week. I'm having a

benefit. for Mr. Peck next week. Gary, Gary, Gary, now I'm starting to hear

talk again.

Benefit ruck talk. Look, they couldn't save the Copa, they couldn't save the

Blue Angel, and you're not going to be able to save Mr. Peck. Now, I don't know

why you insist on holding on to the past so tight like this. You're going to

give yourself a hernia. Let it go.

Let it go. I am not going to give my... What's my line 89 is today.

It's this year.

Chevy Chase gave me two suitcases filled with cash to kick the whole thing off.

There's probably 60 grand in those suitcases.

You're kidding. No. No, the boy and I have been all over town.

We've been getting... What?

What? What are you doing with this? You're scaring me. Did you call Grant?

come in here? No.

I've lost the boy.

about it. When the kid gets hungry, he'll come home.

You know, he's not Lassie.

I'm going to go look for the boy. Do you want to go? No, I can't come. Since you

insist on doing this benefit, I've got to get on the phone with these people

from What's My Line 89 and do some kind of a cock -the -top dance.

I hope he's at Chevy's house.

Chevy. Gary. I can't find a boy.

I've lost a boy. He's about this tall. He has glasses and kind of curly hair.

Have you seen him at all?

Kate!

Have I seen a little boy with glasses and curly hair about this tall?

Uh, no, you haven't.

Have a seat, Gary.

Whoa!

Oh, oh!

Let's do that again. I'm sorry.

Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. This is the last time I'll bother you.

What do you want? You're making a lot of progress on the birdhouse, but I see

you've built a new visor.

That's a nice one. Yeah, yeah. You're interrupting me and insulting me. I'm

missing a little boy. A little boy? Last time I was here, he had glasses, kind

of curly hair. No, I haven't seen him.

Positive? I haven't seen him. I would know if I saw a little boy.

All right. Boy, I can't think of where I left him. Thanks a lot. Yeah, well,

good luck.

Grant, do you have water in your ears? I've been calling you for 20 minutes.

of the pool.

Oh, come on, Uncle Mark. I'm not your uncle. I don't want to hear uncle.

Okay, come on. Just a few more laps. No. Come on. No more laps.

Grant,

there you are. Grant,

I've been looking all over for you. Would you get out of the pool?

Come on, just a few more laps.

Listen, by the way, I just talked to Kyle Reiner, and he has a great idea.

going to have a benefit for Mr. Pex.

Can I count you in? Well, I think I've done my part, huh? Just by taking care

the kid today.

It's a good thing I found you in time. Come on, I can't believe you did that.

Why? Because this is the end of part one.

That's why.

So what does that mean? That means that this is the end of part one. Next week,

part two, the benefit for Mr. Pax. We've got Paula Poundstone, Steve Allen.

Hey, I know. How about Uncle Red Button? Uncle Red Button? Maybe.

Why? What is part one? What does that mean? You know, you have to learn that

there's more to life than just life. This also happens to be a TV show.

You'll understand when you get a little older.

See, there's a camera and everything. See you all next week for the benefit

Mr. Pax. It's going to be great.

Gary, can you take a picture of me in front of Uncle Martin Moles' house?

Yeah, I guess. Just stay right here. Okay. Let me operate the camera and get

shot of Grant.

Thank you.

Okay, Grant.

Move over a little to your right.

A little that way.

Keep going.

A little more.

A little more.

Perfect. Right there.

Right. You look very handsome.

Hope you enjoy the scary channeling show.