Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Las Vegas.

The temperature outside... Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi, everybody. It's me, Gary

Shanling. What's going on? This will just take a second. You just drive.

I'd like to show you all some scenes from last week's show so you'll

what this week's show is all about.

And I'll jingle my spurs when it's time to flip to the next scene. So let's

start with last week's opening monologue.

Gary, give me back my hat.

The deal is, there's this party going on because we're celebrating tonight.

Leonard Smith is the head of the condo association. You know Leonard Smith.

actually getting married. He's getting married in Las Vegas, Nevada to some...

haven't met her yet. Some woman named Kitty who's in show business.

Could be Kitty Carlisle for all I know.

Excited?

You know...

Out of all you kids, I would have thought Bubba would have been the first

marry. And then lose his wife.

And then remarry.

Yeah, in fact, I've been dating thick women to speed up the process.

I love airplanes so much. There is so much good comedy material in an

Like, take that black box.

So they have it so you can tell what caused the accident by what the pilot

said, because you can tell a lot from oops.

Well, hello.

Hello. Can I help you find your seat? No, I'm all right. I'm sitting right

Thanks. I've got it mailed, but appreciate it.

Then they've got the... Can I get you a beverage?

I don't believe so.

Thank you very much. Just trying to do some comedy material.

Well, burr.

Looks like we've hit a cold front we haven't even taken off yet.

You know, I never buckle up during tank -offs. I think that's a stupid rule.

Oh.

Leonard, it's hard to believe the old make -out maestro is finally going to

up his baton.

How's it feel now that your alley catting days are over?

Oh, my God, there's something out there.

Tom, there's someone on the wing.

Leonard, please.

I've seen The Twilight Zone.

I saw the movie, the series, and all the parodies, so spare me.

It's my late wife. May she rest in peace.

Although she's not resting in peace, she's on the wing.

Go back out on the wing. Go on. It's the dead person section.

Get a new dress. You're single again.

You're dead again. It's a whole new life.

All I'm trying to say is go and be happy. Find somebody new. But let

married.

Hey, hey, why is everyone so quiet? I'm getting married.

We're going to have the wedding of the century.

No,

thank you. I knew you'd like it. And now, before you deplane...

I have to play the theme so we can begin part two.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Just checked in.

And guess what? We have a joining room. Oh, great.

Well, that'll be fun.

Make sure you keep that door closed. Actually, I walk in my sleep in the

I even jaywalk in the nude, which actually works out great because when

stop me, I have no ID.

Grant, aren't you a little young? I don't think you're supposed to be in the

casino. Oh, great.

Thanks for finding me all the way out here.

Well... Oh, come on, honey. Let's go do some window shopping.

Bye. Oh, man.

Sheeds of our trip to Reno. Oh, there's nothing wrong with looking at windows.

Bye.

You know, Gary, I love Las Vegas, Nevada. Every time Jackie sees that

of Wayne Newton, boom, she turns into a wildcat. You're kidding.

You're kidding.

You know, Gary, I really think I have a shot with Jackie tonight.

Well,

why don't you let Grant sleep in my room? I'd be happy to take care of him,

then it'll be kind of like a second honeymoon for you guys.

Will that help you out? Thank you, Gary. You know, it's been a while.

Well, hey, take her by the Joe Louis statue. That'll really turn her on.

See you later. I'd like to bet some clean... Oh, Gary, hi.

Oh. Hi. Oh, it's Nancy and Ian.

Hey, you guys.

How's it going?

Pretty good.

Ian, do you have... Do you like Las Vegas? Do you have anything like this in

Ireland?

I told you before, I'm from Scotland.

Scotland. Oh. Oh. Like there's a difference.

Before you know it, he'll be telling me Japan and China are different.

Gary, I was about to show Ian around town.

Well, let me take you out. You know, Vegas is my town.

You know, I work here. They actually give me free drinks when I gamble.

That's how special I am.

This is the Dunes Hotel.

And, well, I don't need to name them all. Just sit back and enjoy it.

I can't thank you enough for this wonderful tour of Las Vegas, Nevada.

You know, Gary, this is much, much better than driving around in that silly

little car. Oh, this way you don't get that wind in your hair and you drive

around. This way you can see whatever you... This is great. Have you guys ever

been to Honolulu?

Because Hawaii Five -O's coming on next. I can give you a little tour of Hawaii

there. Oh, you don't mind if I say no? Too much sun's not very good for me.

Thank you.

Well, I don't think you... Hey, wait, you guys, you guys want to listen

the wall and listen to my parents are having sex?

No, I don't think so. Go get a glass.

Okay.

No. Oh, I'm just, I was just thirsty.

Oh, you guys are taking away all my fun.

Can't gamble. I can't drink.

Can't get in and see the topless dancers.

What's left?

Actually, it's funny you should ask that, because when we were checking in

downstairs, I saw this buffet, and it was only 99 cents.

99 cents?

Viva Las Vegas!

Don't wait up for me, Gary.

Such an energetic child.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, boy. You know, we ought to be getting changed, too, because we're

to go downstairs to the lounge and meet Leonard's fiancée.

Oh, that's right. I can't wait to find out what she's like.

Well, let's face it. Her name's Kitty and she works in Las Vegas. It's a sin

she's no microbiologist. Oh, meow.

Well, what kind of lady does Leonard usually like? Well, oh, he dated that

woman, Bonnie, from Parents Without Partners. You remember that? Well, until

found out he wasn't a parent.

Oh, I'll bet she thinks she got the last joke in the scene.

And now I'm going to take the sword and jam it all the way through Kitty's neck.

Here we go. Kitty, do you feel it? Oh, yeah.

Take a deep breath.

Cough, please. It's stuck.

How do you feel?

I feel like a shish kebab.

Ladies and gentlemen, isn't she fantastic?

Isn't Kitty gorgeous?

Leonard, why didn't you tell us she was a magician's assistant?

I wanted you to see her the way she was when I fell in love with her. Well, she

looked very sweet.

Leonard, I hope you treat her much better than that gentleman there does.

And now, I am going to get a volunteer from the audience up in just a moment.

to help me produce a wedding gift for Kitty magically because she is

her wedding tomorrow night.

I need a volunteer.

Oh.

Yes,

this gentleman right here. Would you mind coming up, please?

Oh, did he call me? Yes, yes.

Let's give him a nice round of applause.

Stand right over here. You are, uh...

Gary Shanling. Gary Shanling. Oh, boy. Now, watch. I feel a little awkward. I

was hoping you weren't going to call me. No, I'm so happy you're here.

Now, I do have two... Schmatzes. Thank you.

We take the ends, tie them into a small knot, and now would you be kind enough

to open one hand, please?

The clean one.

It'll be fine.

Hold tightly, please. Now, the knots must be kept in a very safe, dark place.

And the safest, darkest place I could think of would be just right down here.

Okay. No, not on me.

On you would be fine.

Hey,

nice to meet you.

Don't get emotionally involved.

No, it's fine. Take this hand, make a fist, please. Take this hand, make a

We're going to have lovely Kitty.

Hold one in, if you would.

I'll hold this in. We're going to count to three.

We're going to pull.

The knot's going to disappear.

And Kitty's wedding gift is going to end up tied between the two angels.

It's not what you think.

Here we go. At three. And at three, all you have to do is go... You'll be fine.

Here we go. Ready.

One. Pulse, don't forget to go... Yeah, three.

Very nice.

One, two, three.

Here, Kitty, this is for you. Thanks,

Marcus. Not really my style, but I think they'll fit my fiancé perfectly.

Ladies and gentlemen, how about a nice round of applause for my volunteer, Gary

Shandling, and also...

Kitty, my ta -da girl.

And I call her that because every time I finish a trick, she goes, ta -da.

And if you enjoyed the magic and would like to come back, we have five more

shows tonight, 12 more tomorrow.

That's 84 shows a week right here in the lab.

See you later. Thank you very much.

Great show, Kitty.

These are my oldest and dearest friends.

I'm so happy you could come to Las Vegas, Nevada for my wedding.

Boy, that was some trick, huh?

Thanks, but the real trick was landing a great catch like Leonard.

Ta -da.

You know, I feel really good. I should get my underwear yanked off more often.

Bye, Kitty.

See you at the late show.

Okay, Mark.

Leonard, it was nice meeting you.

Same here, Mark.

How did you like my friends?

Oh, they were wonderful, especially Gary.

He reminded me of a half -man, half -woman I worked with once in the circus.

Which half?

The manly half, of course. Of course.

Leonard, I'm so glad you let him be on your show.

Well, actually, it's his show, you know. I just go on from time to time to bail

him out.

Like the fun.

Hey. Oh, you're so cute.

Give me a hug for a tap.

Oh, boy. In 24 hours, you'll be Mrs. Leonard Smith, first lady of the

condo. That sounds wonderful, Leonard. I feel like Imelda Marcos.

No, Kitty. It's not just an honorary position, either. Because, like, for

instance, on the condo Valentine's Day party, you get to dress up as Mrs.

Oh, that sounds great, too.

But I'll be on tour in February.

On tour?

Yeah.

You mean you're going to keep working after we're married?

Of course. Why wouldn't I?

Well, but you're going to be my wife.

Well, that doesn't mean I have to give up my work.

Doesn't marriage mean that two people give their lives totally to each other?

Oh, Leonard, I like my work. I spent 15 years learning to stuff doves in my bra.

I can't just walk away from all that.

Well... But I want you with me all of the time, not just part of the time,

Oh, that's very nice, Leonard. But how can you ask me to give up that part of

that made you fall in love with me?

Well, what's the point of being married if we're never going to be together?

I mean, that doesn't make any sense to me.

It's not a real marriage.

Leonard, are you saying...

That you won't marry me if I don't give up my job?

I guess that's what I am saying.

Oh, no.

Hmm.

Well... I'm very sorry, Leonard.

I guess this means we're disengaged.

Oh.

Boy, when I turn on the lights, I turn on the lights.

Joe, it's 3 o 'clock. Who could that be?

I didn't call for a massage.

Buy something at the Liberace Museum.

Oh, if Grant goes to one more buffet.

Gary,

Gary, Gary, I'm a wreck. What are you doing? It's three o 'clock in the

I gotta talk to somebody, Gary.

What is it?

Keep it down. Grant is sleeping, and if you wake him up, I'll have to walk him

around till he's tired again. I'm sorry.

Oh, man.

Look, help me, help me. We'll put him in the bathroom, and then you and I can

talk, all right? Good idea, Gare.

Nice PJs.

Thank you. You have to buy something when you go to the Liberace Museum.

The audience didn't like that one either, Leonard.

Okay. Hello, Laverne and Shirley. We salute you.

What did you do? What's wrong?

Kitty and I had a fight, and she gave me my ring back.

Why?

Well, she wants to keep working, and I don't want her to, Gare.

Well, Leonard, you know, what's wrong with her working anyway? You know, I

have thought you'd have discussed this prior to now. She'll be on tour all

Gare. And when she's up...

On stage there, all those guys in the audience are going to be undressing her

with their eyes. Take it easy. When I go up on stage, women undress me with

their eyes.

They do, too. You're doing it right now.

You're doing it right now. Cut it out. Come on.

I feel used.

Nothing happens, though. Come on.

You've got to make sacrifices in a relationship.

That's why I'm not in one.

But what if I'm not willing to make those sacrifices, Gare?

Look, Leonard, you know, come on. You just... It's a decision you're going to

have to make on your own.

Help! Help!

Eh, he's all right.

You have to think it over.

Think it over.

All right?

I better pull him out.

Oh, man, I can't believe my...

Mom and Tom Petty are still gambling at 3 .30 in the morning. Do you believe

this? Bubba, Bubba, can you lend me 20 bucks?

20 bucks?

Don't give it to her, Gary. She's a black hole.

Would you please not tell me how to gamble? I've been losing at blackjack

before you were born.

She's jealous because I'm up $30 ,000.

Look, did you see Leonard?

Yeah, he went through that.

Okay, I'll be right back, Mom, with the 20 bucks, I swear.

And now it's time to take the second blade, which is twice as exciting as the

first blade, and put it all the way through lovely Kitty. Here we go.

Oh!

She loves this trick.

Kitty,

how do you feel?

I feel like I love some sliced bread.

Isn't she fantastic, ladies and gentlemen?

And now I need a volunteer from the audience.

Ma 'am, would you like to... I'll do it.

Leonard! Here, Leonard, would you push the middle section, please?

Kitty, I've been thinking about you all night. We have to talk.

I don't know, Leonard.

I'm very hurt.

She's only hurt, ladies and gentlemen, because she's been trisected by blades

made of surgical steel.

Listen, Kitty, let's get the box to spin. The reason I said what I said...

was because I couldn't stand the thought of not being with you. I realized I was

wrong to ask you to give all this up. If I can't have all of you, I'll take

whatever part you can spare.

Oh, no, no. I love you.

Oh!

Where's your ring finger?

Oh, it's over here.

Ladies and gentlemen.

If you would, how about a nice round of applause for my lovely

assistant, Kitty, and of course, her fiancé.

Here he is, Leonard. Let's give them both a great big round of applause.

Well, we're all coming back from Las Vegas, a little bit older and a little

wiser. And in Tom Petty's case, $200 ,000 richer.

Do you believe that?

Way to go, Tom.

Way to go.

Look, look, there's a script in my magazine.

Oh, there they are, the happy couple.

is about they're just coming back from the restroom oh well and as luck would

have it mark sweet is on this flight because he's headed back to los angeles

do a show so under the closing credits why don't we just watch the magical

styling of mark sweet

Hope you enjoyed this Gary Sandling show.