Original subtitles

Good morning, good morning, good morning.

Good morning, nice to see you. I was at 7 a .m. and, well, I was up just a

little earlier. I don't know if you caught me.

But then I got up again. I went back to the little man.

I can't believe it.

I'm getting up at 7 a .m. Really, I want to thank everybody in my studio

audience for getting up so early.

You really look nice.

They look marvelous.

This is my robe, G .S. It's... George C. Scott gave it to me.

To see it silent.

Ooh.

I really must have just woken up to do a joke like that.

Anyway, thanks for coming, really. I know how hard it is to get started in

morning, and I make a great cup of coffee, though, don't I?

Yeah.

And... If you want a second barrel, don't be shy, really.

The reason I'm getting up early is I got to go have breakfast with my friend

Pete. We're going to go discuss our fishing trip.

We're going, oh, wait till you hear the fish we're going after.

We're going after the, okay, the wall -eyed pike and the wide -mouthed bass

and, well, basically any fish that looks like Morton Downey Jr.

I love fishing.

So why don't we just run the opening theme because it always reminds me of

Thank you.

This is the theme that Gary showed.

The theme that Gary showed. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his

theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

before 5 p .m.

As you regular viewers know, Pete's in the shoe business. One of his jobs is to

stock shoe stores during shoe sales. He also supplies stores that sell sneakers,

socks, and stockings, except in the summer when he sells seashells at the

seashore.

I know what you're thinking. Is he the same Pete who picked a pack of pickled

peppers?

He is.

These will sell in black. Do they come in black?

They are black.

They're gray.

They're black. They're black like your eyes are going to be.

Is it just me or does that guy look like John Cleese's father?

Okay, listen. How many boxes of these do you want?

Well, I don't know if I want any in gray.

Well, I don't know if I want any in gray. Then I'll tell you what to do. Put

shoes in the box of the box of your...

Gary, Gary, Gary, what the hell are you doing here? We're having breakfast this

morning. Remember to talk about our fishing trip? Oh, listen, Gary, I don't

time for breakfast.

I have three more dumps like this to start.

Hey, look, Gary, I'll meet you for lunch. Let's say noon at the Trellis

restaurant. Yeah, sure.

I guess you came at a bad time.

Boy, the next time Pete wants to have breakfast at 7 a .m., I'll tell him,

expect an audience.

I'm really sorry to get you guys on.

Do you believe this? First Pete stands us up for breakfast, and now he's over

hour and ten minutes late for lunch.

You know...

Did you ever do that? Did you ever go to look at your watch and the butter flips

off the bread?

I'd like some more rolls, Mr. Stanley.

Oh, no, thanks.

No, if I have any more, I won't have an appetite left at all.

By the way, I took the liberty of giving your audience some rolls as well.

What's that going to run?

Rules are complimentary here at the trellis restaurant. Oh, well, great.

them all they want.

Really. Yes.

And all the water. All the water.

Right away, Mr. Cameron. Thank you.

Maybe we should just order and get out of here. Maybe he's not even going to

show up at all.

Hi. Oh.

Hi.

Nice of you to make it. You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. Why?

Well, you know...

I'm close to an hour and 15 minutes late. Oh, so shoot me.

I'm not going to shoot you. It's just that, you know, if you're going to be

late, you could at least call. You know, I'm trying to do a show here.

Gary, kiss my... Pete, Pete,

we're on television.

Do you want me to have to bleep you? Is that what you want?

Well, as far as I'm concerned, television can kiss my...

All right, what is it? What is it? Is it something with your family? Something

with Jackie? Something with Grant? Something with the baby? No, no, no,

not. It's not, Gary.

Something with your job?

What if it was? Well, then just tell me. Get it off your chest.

Well, what do you know about work, Gary?

Wait, wait, you asked me a question. You're 38 years old. You're 38 years

You've got everything you've ever dreamed of, and you never had to lift a

finger. Oh, that's not true. Ask any of these fingers. They have all been

lifted. Many, many, many times. Oh, you see? There you go. There you go. Mr.

Funny Man, always with the jokes, Gary. Get back to me. You know, Phil, if

you're in a bad mood about your work, don't come in here and take it out on me

and my audience. They've been here since 7 a .m.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, yes, yes.

Well, pardon me, but they all had something better to do all day, right?

maybe they did.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Real mature group.

Why don't you take them to your fishing trip? Maybe I will.

with what you were doing. You're going to get us thrown out of here.

So, Gary, what do you think I should get for Nancy?

I don't know.

Well, what do you think she likes? Do you think she'd like a stick pin?

today I saw this beautiful stick pin.

I'd get her flowers.

How are you?

Oh, I think I'd rather get her a stick pin.

Well, then get her a stick pin and stop asking me.

Well, you should be.

I saw the stick pin today.

Sterling silver stick pin. It's in the shape of a palm tree.

And at the top of the palm tree there's these coconuts, except they're not

coconuts, they're really amethysts. And running up the side of the palm tree is

the cutest little squirrel you ever saw with a curly tail. And in the middle of

the curly tail is a little red ruby.

You scare me sometimes.

How much does this stick pin weigh? Do they need, like, scaffolding when they

clean it? What's the deal? It sounds a little weird.

You know, you're not being very nice.

You're only being sarcastic about my choice of stick pins because you had an

argument with your friend Pete. I'm sorry. I was just looking forward to our

fishing trip, and we were not going.

You want me to make you an omelet? Nancy loves hers. You want me to make you

one? I don't want anything you make.

Nancy!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right. I'll be right out.

Isn't she terrific?

Why? Because she can shout from the bathroom.

You have incredibly high standards. You should come over and hear my dog howl

when a siren goes by.

at me when I'm in the bathroom.

I've got something here that's going to make it all okay. Hold out your hand.

Close your eyes.

It's a stick pin. You can open your eyes.

It is a stick pin.

Oh, it's gorgeous. If you

already bought the stick pin, why did you ask

me what you should get her?

Because I was desperately trying to grasp anything to take your mind off

fight you had with Pete. Oh, well, that really worked. I hear the word stick

pin, my mind goes blank.

I could hear the word jewelry and hit a parking meter.

So, what's the matter with Pete?

Pete's very upset about work, and he's taking it out on me for some reason. I

don't have a clue.

I don't think it's that hard to understand.

I mean, Pete's a very hard -working guy. He has to support a family, and you...

Well, you, I mean, you have no one to support, and you don't do anything.

At all.

Ever.

At least I don't spend all day in a stick pin shop.

to me that if you want to be a good friend to Pete, you'll find out what's

really bothering him. I know, but he's not saying anything about it, and I

read his mind, you know.

Oh,

unless... Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. You cannot use that thing. Yes, I can. This is a special

circumstance. No, no. What thing? Gary has a dream hat. I have a little dream

hat, a really nice dream hat.

Why can't he use the dream hat? Because a judge ruled that he couldn't.

It was overturned. It was overturned. Excuse me. Excuse me, Gary. That poor

victim still cannot get his hair down.

And I think this is a very important factor because even though we say you

be successful in your own small business, and you can if you follow the

there are still some, as Dick has said, who can find very quickly.

that maybe it wasn't what they thought it was going to be.

And I think this is what you're referring to. Yeah, and also we'll see

time, and it can happen certainly in a new business as well.

Don't laugh now, because you could wake him up.

Boy, I have like a thorn in my underwear.

Do you ever get that? It's like when I sway, it's like...

As soon as I get this dream hat on, Pete will be able to see his dreams.

What'd you expect a dream hat to look like?

F4, and focus as fast as you can because otherwise Pete's head could explode.

And then that judge will be on my case again, all right?

You ready?

Godspeed, man.

Let her go.

Focus. Focus.

Focus. It's going to explode. Get a focus tester.

There you go.

Pete really does hate his job, I guess.

Three more dumps. Three more dumps. Three more dumps. Three more dumps.

Pete's dreaming about Perry Mason?

He must have had Mexican food.

I'd like you to relax. Oh, no!

This is Pete's dream to be a lawyer.

He always wanted to be a lawyer.

That must be what it is. How can I have forgotten that?

Oh, like you haven't had this dream.

How could I have forgotten that?

Pete's always had this dream to be a lawyer, even in college.

Oh, my head! Jackie!

Jackie! Gary Shanley!

You were using that dream hat again.

Gee,

only because I wanted to find out what was bothering Pete. Oh, well, really?

Well, that's not the way to do it. Pete's head is not a toy.

Well, maybe... Maybe not to you, but to millions of others it is.

made it clear that you should mind your own business. You have no right to break

into our home in the middle of the night and invade our privacy like that. Pete,

you're absolutely right, but at least I found out that you want to be a lawyer.

What?

Honey, is that what's been bothering you?

Why didn't you tell me?

Maybe if you'd used my dream hat, you would have found out a little sooner.

Honey,

look, I'm your wife.

Talk to me, please.

Well, the law thing didn't bother me before.

But then I turned 40 and I looked at Gary and thought, here's a guy doing

he wants.

And I'm walking around with my hand smelling like other people's feet. And

just started depressing me, that's all.

Pete, you know, it's not too late for you to go to law school. You could still

go. Gary, I can't. I have a family to support.

You know, honey, you can still work and go to school at night.

And I can help out. I'll get a job.

We'll figure this thing out together, Curly Bear.

No, I couldn't ask you to do that. You have your hands full as it is. Pete,

she's right. She said that you can work this out. Gary, dreaming of being a

lawyer is one thing. Being one is another.

Look, I'm sorry.

Gary, I was rude to you and I was rude to your audience.

Next time you run into them, apologize for me.

Pete, why don't you apologize yourself?

I couldn't. They're mad at me. They pelted me with rolls.

Look, Pete, you insulted them.

They're a proud people.

But they'll understand if you just speak from the heart. I'm not kidding.

Go ahead. Go with Gary, Curly Bear. Come on. You do this. Just say what's on

your mind. I don't want to go. They'll understand.

Everybody, this is Petey. He has something he wants to say.

Look, um...

I know I'm not the most popular guy around here, but, hey, you people aren't

perfect either.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait. I mean, let he who is without sin cast the first

roll.

All right, I'm scum.

Look, look, wait a minute.

If I've offended any of you tonight, I am truly sorry.

I've been under a lot of strain lately, but I'm not always like this, so please

give me a second chance.

We all deserve a second chance.

That's what America's all about, giving second chances.

Even brutal criminals are free to roam the streets 48 hours after committing

their most heinous crimes.

Meanwhile, decent citizens like you and me are afraid to go to sleep at night,

for fear we'll be butchered.

in our own beds.

So I ask you, who is the real criminal here?

The axe -wielding murderer who lives down the street?

Or me?

The crabby little guy?

The choice is yours. I rest my case.

what it takes. Maybe you're right. Maybe I could be a lawyer.

Jackie, I've given it some thought and I've decided to go to law school.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

This is a big step for the Schumacher family.

My curly barrister.

Thanks for caring.

You're the very best. Give me a hug.

I can count on you on that Ralph Harris appeal case, can't I? You'll stand by

me? Your hair looks great. It didn't stand up or anything.

You're the best. Sure, you got it, pal.

Well, that's basically our show. I'm going to do the closing monologue right

after these really important commercial messages.

That's right. You Showtime people prod around the TV.

I always think you're special and want to do something special for you.

Welcome back.

You haven't missed a darn thing during the commercial break.

Anyway, we'll be back next week and Pete will be a lawyer by then.

I know, you're wondering how can he do it that fast. Well, you know, Pete was

paper chase for three years and those credits will transfer.

So, I'm going to go make some coffee and I'll see you all next week. Good night,

everybody.

Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Sandling Show.