Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Great to see you all. Great to see you at home. Great to see you here in the

studio audience. If you at home would like to feel more like the studio

does here, you should wait outside your house for an hour before you come in.

Now, this is...

This is really an exciting night. You've really come on a good night because I'm

taking sort of a big emotional step in my life tonight.

That's right. One more closer step. Boy, there's some good English.

One step closer to having children.

I'm actually tonight going to hatch sea monkeys.

That's right. I know you're laughing, but maybe this is too mature a step for

me. I'm not sure.

Can you get a tight shot of this box there?

See? Sea monkeys.

You get these... And they're really dancing here,

and they're singing.

Evidently, this photo was taken much later in the evening.

Because, you know, I know it takes me, I'm not in a mood like this until about

well after 9 .30, 10.

And so rather than ramble on with some unfunny monologue, why don't we just,

that's right, run the opening theme while I catch these suckers.

Come on.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Sandling's show.

Do you hear them?

This is the theme to Gary Sandling's show. They just finished singing.

Just like they show them on the box. They're singing in here. Here, bring the

mic down.

Hey, get closer to the TV.

Yeah, well, all right.

Hey, you know, if you get sea monkeys, you got a mic like this for your house

you can hear them sing.

They're really cute. These are great pets.

Go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

Sit up.

This one looks tough. I'm going to name this one Buster. Go, go, go, Buster.

Go, go, go.

Did you see him react to the doorbell? They're very protective.

It's probably Leonard Smith. He's probably coming by to tell me that I'm

allowed to have sea monkeys in the condominium complex.

Am I getting fat?

Just write in and tell me. Really, you could do me a favor. I can't tell

anymore.

Or sit there and care about yourself.

It's up to you.

Don't milk the applause like that.

Oh, I'm sorry, Gary. I haven't been on television for a while.

Oh, that, yeah.

What was wrong?

Oh, I had cancer.

What did you have?

I just had a series of bad career moves.

Which, by the way, there's no treatment for whatsoever.

Okay,

come on. Well, I'll take care of you. Just making some sea monkeys. Come on.

really? I have a thing for sea monkeys.

Really? Oh, really, I do. Who doesn't?

Come on.

make me strap your arms down now. Come on.

Are these the sea monkeys?

No, no, no. That's soup. That's my soup for dinner. Boy, you have been out of

touch for a while, haven't you?

No, no. These are the sea monkeys. See? Go, go, go. See, they recognize. They're

starting to recognize me.

Go, go, go.

See, look.

Go, go, go.

See, nothing because they're noodles. That's how you can always catch up.

Here, take these. Come on. We'll sit down and we'll catch up.

Okay. Don't let these sea monkeys get on the couch, and they'll always want to

go up there. Okay, yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

Oh, Gary, the reason I came by is I'm just returning the tapes of your shows

that you sent to me to cheer me up while I wasn't well. Thanks so much.

You're welcome. Did you like them? Oh, very much, yes. Did you watch them all?

Well, I watched some of them, and a part of the end of one.

And one of them we taped over.

game on.

Oh, well, as long as you got some good Houston.

Oh, how about all my Tonight Show tapes? Did you watch all those old shows? You

know, I laughed so hard at those, I canceled one of my treatments. I swear,

would rather risk my life than miss anything that you do.

That is so sweet. I know you really mean it.

You know, that's what a real, real...

Are you looking into the camera? No.

No,

I didn't. Don't look into the camera. I didn't. Don't. You don't come in here

and look in the camera.

I didn't.

I'll bop you.

I will if I see the tape of this show and you're looking into the camera.

If I see a tape of this show and you're looking into the camera, I'm going to

come over and spank you. I mean it. I wouldn't do that. It's your show.

Hi, Gare.

Gilda Radner.

According to a copy of characters, Saturday Night Live original gutsy lady.

I'm your biggest fan.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Len. Really sorry.

Oh, Gare.

Those were sea monkeys I heard, weren't they?

You know, the condo rules strictly prohibit any pets with feet.

Come on, give me a break. These are those videotapes of his summer trip

the Amish country.

Thanks, Blake.

I've got to go again.

Bye, Gilda.

See you later. Gary, I'd like you to meet my nurse.

This is Blake Cumbers.

Yeah, that's right. I'm a male nurse.

You wouldn't have to have a problem with that, would you?

It's your life. I'm sure you know what you're doing.

Probably couldn't get a job as a magician's assistant.

Gary, it was nice to see you. Really. We gotta go now. Oh, don't go. Stay for

the whole show. Oh, no, no. Really, I can't. Oh, no, don't go.

You see, I've seen so many of the shows that I just feel a little sick even

being here.

Everybody feels that way right off the bat. Just ride it out and you'll feel

right at home, I swear. Excuse me, Shanley.

She said she doesn't want to do your show. Bye -bye, Gary.

I'll see you.

Okay, see you, Gilda. See you, Nursey.

I know what you're thinking. Boy, you've seen the first scene, and now you have

still no idea what the show's about.

Well, I can't tell you. All I can say is really stay tuned, because in the next

scene, I'll be wearing these pajamas.

Just let me hide in here for a few minutes, okay?

Leonard, who's chasing you?

The Viet Cong.

They've been on my butt all night.

Mary, what's going on? What's all the racket? Get in here. The Viet Cong are

after Leonard.

I'm telling you, I don't know. They must have just moved in. You know what

trouble they can be in.

Just get them out of here.

Leonard, Leonard, calm down.

Come on. Come and sit down.

Leonard, are you all right?

I'm feeling better now.

Sorry about all the commotion. I was just having a nightmare about Vietnam.

Were you in Vietnam?

Yeah, it was something I've been trying to forget. But when I saw Blake, Gilda's

friend, I just started coming back. Yeah, he was in my unit.

Do you want to talk about it? Yeah, come on, Leonard.

What is it?

Oh, okay.

It was exactly 20 years ago, the day before the Tet Offensive.

And the heat was almost unbearable.

The jungle was steaming.

It was hell.

Lance, Lance, come over here. You can see Leonard's path.

Come over here.

Sit over here. I'm fine right here. No. This is a better seat. You'll complain

later. Okay.

And don't say you missed something. All right.

My squad was two days into a patrol of enemy -held territory.

And everyone was a little on edge, you know.

Especially me.

It was my first time in real combat.

My mother had sent me a box of chocolate truffles from the States, and everyone

wanted some, but I didn't want to share, so I went off and hid in some bushes

where I could eat them in peace.

A few minutes later, I looked up and I saw the whole unit get captured.

I was right there. Nobody saw me. I had a clear shot.

I could have saved all my friends, but I froze. I just couldn't do it.

So all I did was just stand there and watch while all my buddies were taken

away.

It was my cowardice. That was the reason why Blake had to spend nine months in a

prison camp.

That's why you darted out when you saw him today. I couldn't face him. Oh,

Leonard, I think you're being a little hard on yourself, really. I mean, you

were just a kid.

Yeah, but we were all kids, Nancy. That's no excuse.

Well, nevertheless, you're going to have to put this behind you somehow, don't

you think? Yeah. I think maybe, well, if you talk to Blake, maybe that would be

a good first step.

She's right.

God, but he's awfully tough.

How's he going to react?

We'll go with you if you need some support.

Will you really? Sure.

Well, you know, I really would want to help you, but I don't think I really fit

in talking to, you know, because I didn't even serve in Vietnam. I was

classified 4F because, you know, I had 2 ,800 vision, which means I could date

just about anybody.

Jesus, come on.

Okay, Leonard, I'll go. I really want to help you out on this.

Thanks, Gare. Sure.

I hope the next time we all meet together in our pajamas, it's under

circumstances.

game for you oh that's a good idea you're a good nurse flake you're a good

good good good good nurse

sorry to bother you. Well, what do you guys want?

Well... Well, we just... We're just here to see Nurse Blake.

Oh, okay.

Nurse Blake!

Good Nurse Blake!

There's some people here to see you.

Hi, Blake.

What do you people want to see me for?

Uh, actually, Gilda, uh...

Well, I just want to stay in here with you and Gil. You can't.

Why not?

Because you're a guy.

Oh, like you're not.

Hi,

Blake.

Hello.

You don't know who I am, do you?

No. Blake, it's me, Smitty.

Smitty?

Oh, it's great to see you.

I thought you were dead.

Really? Yeah, well, you never showed up to that POW camp. I just assumed you

were... No, I was lucky to get away.

You look great, man.

So do you.

Look, there's something I have to come clean about.

Excuse me just a second, Blake.

Here.

He thought I was dead, see?

So... Leonard, just tell him.

Just tell him. Why not leave well enough alone?

Because if you don't tell him, it's going to haunt you for the rest of your

life. Will somebody tell me what the hell's going on here?

Look, Blake, Leonard could have saved you from being captured, and he didn't.

What?

You mean to tell me I spent nine months in a POW camp?

Because of you.

Just wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's something you should see. Tell

Leonard. Tell him about 20 years ago. Tell him. Look in the corner, Blake.

him about 20 years ago.

Watch this. Watch what's going to happen. You're not going to believe. 20

ago, the sweltering jungle.

You're right, Blake. It was 20 years ago. You know, the day before Tet?

Yeah. And it was that real awful hot, muggy weather.

It was hell out there, remember?

Later we're going to get Leonard to tell us that story about that strip club.

Remember, Blake?

You were on patrol in enemy territory and everyone was on edge? Yeah. Get him

out! Especially me.

Remember I got those chocolate truffles from home?

And I didn't want to share them with anyone. I wanted them all for myself.

Well, after I ate them, I saw you guys all get taken by the Viet Cong.

And I...

I don't know. I had a clear shot, but I just couldn't do anything.

Shoot!

Come on, shoot, you spineless wimp! Shoot!

I can't! I said shoot!

Oh, boy, I didn't hit it. Ow!

Ooh, that's worse than a bee.

Like a wasp. This is... I mean, this... You gotta... If something happens to me,

you guys gotta take care of my sea monkeys.

You know... You know, I took ROTC in college, and if I recall correctly,

not supposed to initiate contact with an enemy element when there are friendly

troops in the line of fire.

Also, you should have thought that maybe those two Viet Cong were really a part

of a much larger forward unit.

You mean I shouldn't have opened fire?

No, just... Definitely not.

Simple rules of engagement, Leonard.

My mother was in the Navy.

So that means I did the right thing back in 68.

Yeah, I guess you did.

No hard feelings?

No hard feelings.

Oh, man, this is like a Hornets thing or something.

Let me take a look at it.

Move your hand.

Boy, oh boy.

Boy, you're really lucky.

This video could fit in the Bible. Stop the bullet.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, gosh.

I feel a little silly now.

You know, actually, I erased this. This is actually now the tape of my high

school graduation.

I always carry it with me. I thought it might be good for Gilda, you know, if

she got sick again, it would be a few laughs.

Oh, please.

Why don't you look into the camera? I don't care how sick you are.

Well, I know you're thinking, uh...

Closing scene, closing monologue.

I'll do it right after we finish this Candyland game.

Draw me my card, Nurse Blake.

As you wish, Ms.

Gilda.

Red.

Would you draw my card, Nurse Blake? I'm a little woozy from this little

injury.

Oh, thanks. Oh, look.

Princess.

Oh, she's hot.

Could you move my marker? I'm still a little queasy from this injury.

Well, you know, I think we've accomplished quite a lot with tonight's

think Leonard Smith got his self -respect back, and, you know, I think

ready to...

do television again and

and

um oh oh most importantly of all i think we learned that uh if you're going to

drive on the la freeways you should wear one of these that's right well it's

probably funnier the first time you heard it

I'd just like to have you take a look at this beautiful portrait behind me while

we watch the closing credits, and I'll see you all next week.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Stanley Show.