Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks so much.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

The, um... Thank you.

This is you folks watching at home. No.

I talked to the audience before the show.

And they're simply pretending to be excited about me coming out.

Just so, I'm always going to be honest with you. They don't care that much.

got in for free, and they're here in my house.

But you did a good job, and really, if there's an acting award to be given to

audience this year, I think you have it. But you've all come on a wonderful

night, because tonight is the night I'm going to dinner at the Schumacher's.

Yeah, well, that was an honest reaction. We're fairly happy about it.

No, this is a really good thing because if you watch the show regularly, and I

guess that really cuts down on the number I'm talking to right now, you

busy I am. I lead a very busy life, you know.

Well, you know, if I'm not here, I'm over there.

No, sometimes I'm way over there by the fireplace. And so, really, I'm busy

because you know what my life is.

I want to work out. I don't have time to work out.

No, seriously, what? What are you laughing at?

Don't come to this show and laugh.

You know, uh, no, because I was beaten up a lot as a kid. I was actually

in the seventh grade.

And, um, it's an old joke. I threw an old joke in. I don't know why.

I don't know why. I had no idea I was going to tell you that. But, uh, the

important thing is, is just, uh, I'm busy. If I'm, you know, I...

Sometimes I'm in that room, and then sometimes I'm over here. It's a madhouse

around here. You know what I'm saying.

And I just haven't had time to spend with the Schumacher. So tonight, I said

coming to dinner. It's going to be great. And why don't you watch the

and listen to the opening theme while I show you just how busy I am around this

place, and then you'll understand.

Thank you so much.

This is the theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write

theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

What

has

this show become, ladies and gentlemen?

Anyway, so that's just an idea of what I do in 41 seconds. If you multiply that

by what a whole day would be...

You can imagine how exhausted I am at the end of a given day, which is why I

can't even... Gary, Gary.

Look what came in the mail. An invitation to a party tonight at Jeff

house. Oh, I didn't know you knew Jeff Goldblum. No, I don't. It's addressed to

you. You know him. It was put in my mailbox by mistake.

Oh, gee, I must have not seen it when I went through your mail.

Remind me, I also have some free samples to give you.

Oh, okay, well...

a great time at the party. Oh, oh, wait, I can't go.

I have to go to the Schumacher's tonight. You know, I've been meaning to

the Schumacher's forever, and I put it off till tonight, and that's the one

night I can't go.

Gary, why can't you do both?

Well,

there's an idea.

You guys want to go to both?

That's a great idea. Thanks for thinking of that. No, no, wait. I have a joke

I'm going to do I want you to be with me for.

Wow, party. Two parties in one night.

Two parties in one night. Boy, when it rains, it pours.

Hello, Morton Salt. We salute you.

That's why I wanted you here.

I can't go through that alone. You should have seen the monologue. It was

mess.

Okay, I'll go to two.

Great. Have fun. Okay, see you later. This is exciting.

How well?

I believe we've finished with dessert, Grant.

You may clear away the dishes now.

Yes, Mother.

You know, they let Grant eat with the adults as long as he behaves, which is

very difficult for him, but I know he wanted to laugh when I burped the

to the Constitution.

Maybe that's why I never get invited to a dinner at the White House.

I'm having a great time. The dinner was just great.

Oh, well, thank you. Home cooking is so special.

How do you get the egg in the meatloaf? I've always... I could never figure that

out. It's like a hostess cupcake.

When you eat with you, you never know what you're going to hit.

Hey, Gary. Gary, you want to see some pictures of the baby sleeping?

Oh, gee. Well, you know, I just saw the baby sleeping, the actual baby, unless

it's a sonogram. I'll take a look at that.

Uh, pictures of the baby resting.

Oh. Well, that might be interesting.

Let's show them the videotape.

Well, show them the one of the baby moving. Yeah. Oh, gee.

We're lucky they have that one. It's usually rented out by now.

Hey, Uncle Gary, you want to see me do the box step?

Grant's taking lessons. Gary's going to love it. Oh, gee.

There's really, uh, no.

One, two, three, one, two, three.

Gary, you want to cut in?

Come on. Oh, no, although you look like a music box.

It looks nice.

Come on, cut in. Oh, thanks. I only twist. You know that.

Honey, I don't think Uncle Gary's interested in the box step.

It's adult time.

That's right, son. It's so rare that we get a chance to spend some time with

Gary. Go get the home version of Win, Lose, or Draw.

Yeah.

Gary, you're going to love it. It's like charades. But instead of acting out the

clues, you draw pictures.

Oh, gee, you know, it sounds great, but I was actually getting ready to go.

So soon? Well, um... Really? Well, aren't you feeling well? No, I'm fine. I

invited to another party, actually, that I wanted to try to make.

Oh. Oh. Yeah. Really? Where?

Whose? Oh, it's Jeff Goldblum's, but I just thought I told him I might stop by.

Jeff Goldblum? That's the Grant's favorite movie star? Yeah. Yeah, the

big chill, the...

I forgot my mantra line in Annie Hall.

That's right.

You are a fan.

Yeah, I am. Well, you just go on. Run along ahead, Gary.

Well, I could play a few rounds of this. Come on. Or periods or quarters.

Whatever it is. Come on. We'll do a little.

Gary, it's okay. There's no pressure. You can go. We understand.

Go ahead. Have a wonderful time.

We'll see you tomorrow for Grant's birthday.

Oh, that's right. Tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow it is. That's going to be exciting.

Can you tell me really, though, how you get the egg and the meatloaf? Come on.

I'm going to be thinking about it. Someday, baby, when we have more time.

Oh.

Thanks. It was really wonderful.

Don't smoke, Eric.

I'll see you. Bye.

Take care.

Ow. Ow.

Oh.

Oh, my ears are burning.

Oh, someone must be talking about me.

Oh, and I know it's not you. It must be the Schumachers.

Oh, boy.

Gee,

it was nice of Gary to let us feed him before he ran off to mingle with his

celebrity friends.

Yeah, what are we anyway? The Elephant Man family?

Hey, that's not fair.

Gary's our closest and dearest friend. And it's only natural that he should

some celebrity friends. I guess we just have to learn to, uh, to let go a

little. He's gone showbiz.

Mom, Dad, I really feel violated.

Thank goodness my ears cooled down.

Really, sometimes it'll spread to my hair and all the wildlife goes running.

I don't think of the Schumachers as the elephant man family, really.

Although, you know, Michael Jackson did offer Grant $10 ,000 for his bones.

I know, that's less than the million that the real guy got, but still, a

generous offer.

But, you know, we've already committed, you and I, to going to the Jeff Goldblum

party. We'll have fun.

Come on.

See you there.

Go, Blooms.

This is the, uh, foyer, I think it's called.

Or the foyer.

Do you know which it is? I don't. I'm gonna have to call... You know what?

call my lawyer and ask him.

Uh, uh, well, bats.

Bats. Bats and belfries.

Three strikes, you're out. Oh, come on, Jeff.

This is a great clue.

Come on.

Oh, they're playing win, lose, or draw just like the Schumachers wanted to.

Hey, guys, the timer's up. No, look, look, look.

A rose is a rose is a rose. It's Pete Rose.

Come on, wasn't so hard?

Nice drawing, nice try. Listen, you know, I think it would have been easier

you if you'd drawn some roses. You know, like those beautiful ones in the foyer.

But, you know, I always thought it was Pete Rosé.

Gary, Gary, I didn't see you come. Mr.

Lee for the party.

How's my hair? Well, a little damp. A little damp, Jim. That's the illusion.

That's the illusion.

Come on in. You know everybody here, I think. You know Bert Convey? Hi, Gary.

Nice to meet you. Hope you're ready to play win, lose, or draw. Sounds like my

prom night.

Excuse us one second. One second. You can go while we're... Let me get you

punch. Do you want some? Or do you want some of the pastries my caterer made?

No, I just ate. Thanks. Your caterer, I had a party catered once, and the guy

wanted $10 a person. I said, I can't charge them that.

I had to charge him $15 a person to show any profit at all.

Are you okay? What's the matter? I don't know. You're down. You're down or

something. You know the Schumachers, right? Yeah, yeah. Jackie Pede, Lil'

and Blue Suede. Right. So I just had dinner with them, and then I left them

early to come to this party, and I just feel really guilty about it. Have you

ever gone through that? I don't know.

Listen, let me tell you a story, Gary.

I once went to Bart Convey's house, and I had to leave early to go to Wink

Martindale's to play tic -tac -toe.

But, you know, I just told him, you know, I let him know that my friendship

Wink didn't diminish my friendship with him.

So that's what I should do with the Schumachers, just be up front like that.

know, I have such trouble confronting them, but Grant's birthday party is

tomorrow, and maybe that's a good time that I can just talk to them and get it

all straightened out.

Grant is such a fan of yours, by the way. He's seen the Big Chill a dozen

He saw the fly, I think, 14 times, and I think he almost saw all of Transylvania

65 ,000.

He is a big fan.

Hey,

fellas, we're about to start another round over here. You don't want to miss

fun, do you? No, we don't. One second. We'll be there.

One minute. You know, Gary, I have a thought. I have a thought. If it would

you out at all, I wouldn't mind stopping by his birthday party.

You're kidding.

Are you serious?

That would be so great if you could say hi to Grant on his birthday. It would be

the best present he could ever have. But I don't want you to do it if you really

don't want to. I'm offering. I'm offering. Oh.

Thanks. You're welcome. You know, Goldboom, this may not be tic -tac -doe.

And I may not be Wink Martindale.

But it seems to me you could have the common courtesy to play win, lose, or

draw. This is your house.

I apologize, Bert. I'm sorry.

I'll be right there. One second.

Here we come.

You guys really have a little problem there. See, look, Gary, you know, I

be offended by Bert's attitude, like Bill Cullen would be.

But friendship takes effort.

Thanks. I got to remember that. I'll talk to them.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

He's on our team? Yeah, sure.

Well,

I've never played this before.

Now you're talking. All right. I've got to try. I have no idea. I've got a

puzzle for you right here. Guys, listen up. Here you go. You've got one minute

to do this, okay? So I have to convey this to them? That's right. You have to

get the idea on the paper. Okay. I've never done this. Us, us, us.

Here you go.

Ready? And go.

Okay. Okay.

I should have put the gift in here.

Eric, the gift is in there. Oh, thank goodness.

Relax, relax.

Admit it.

Aren't you really glad I convinced you to go to both the two markers?

I'm incredibly thrilled. Because of you, I tried to do two things today. I got

him a gift and the paper and the wrapping paper all in one shot.

And now I'm wrapping it. So it's three things in one day.

You know, Jackie tells me Grant has never been so excited in his life.

Well, all the shoemakers are just floating on air. Oh, I'll bet.

I'll bet. Well, they should be careful. They have a ceiling fan, don't they?

Boy,

I wish I'd had that joke for the monologue.

Oh, four things in one day. A phone call.

It's Gary Shanling's show.

Oh, hi, Jeff. It's Jeff Goldblum.

Oh, we're really looking forward to seeing you at Grant's.

Give me the phone. Oh, no.

150 pounds of veal pie yard for that luncheon you're giving tomorrow.

Oh, Jeff.

Oh,

I don't feel well.

Oh, gosh.

Oh,

Jeff. I'm going to have to go.

Yeah, bye.

Gary, Gary, Gary.

Listen to me. There's a very simple solution to this. You get up. You go

Jeff.

You help him prepare that pie yard, and then you make sure he gets to the party

and little Grant is not disappointed.

That is a great idea.

Thanks. Great idea.

Good faint, don't you think?

No, as a matter of fact, Gary, that was about the phoniest faint I've ever seen.

Yeah, it was more like actually getting shot and thrown back. Yeah, yeah.

Well, listen, Lois, I have to fly to Jeff Goldblum's house now.

Hey, hey, hold the hand.

I'm not a cook. I'm just trying to get us done in time. 250.

Don't worry about the time. 50 more servings, and we're there.

Oh, good. Will we make it? Will we make it in time to go?

Well, you know, veal is very temperamental. You can't rush it. If you

turn on you.

Really? Yeah, really. So will the Schumacher's. You have no idea if we

there.

It's very cold. Direct your anxiety toward the veal, and we'll be okay.

more. Stop analyzing him. Just keep going. Just keep going. Get the butter,

please. It's right behind the door. Behind the door?

One, two, three, four.

Can you see this coming?

Don't tell me.

No, no, Gary.

Gary, you slammed the fridge.

I don't know what to say.

There's nothing to say. Isn't there a lever or something?

It didn't come with one.

Oh, man. Man is right.

You know, when I first said I was going to do this series, I said, as long as I

don't do a scene locked in a freezer... Let me out.

Come on.

Don't just sit there.

What are we going to do? What are we going to do?

You may very well die of hypothermia trapped in this freezer.

I think I can feel my fingers and toes getting numb already.

You know, something is going numb. I can't say what it is right now. This is

frightening. You've got to stay awake.

You've got to stay awake. Don't overreact. You've got to stay awake. I

slept well in three nights, and now you're saying I've got to stay awake.

Oh, man, what are we going to do? We're going to miss the party. Miss the party?

What's that, like kick the bucket by the farm?

Jeff, would you just get a grip on it? Everything... Get a grip, get a grip.

What's that? What are these expressions?

What does that mean? I think my brain is freezing. Would you stop?

Gary, Gary, I think we may be in here for the long haul. Let's make a pact.

Whoever dies first will be eaten by the other.

I don't think so. Why don't we eat all this food, and then we'll see if we

have an appetite. You know, you've gotten very friendly once we're locked

here. I don't think anybody needs to eat anybody else, you know?

You know, maybe if someone would talk about me, at least maybe my ears could

warm this place up.

Well, it was easier getting in here than getting out of the freezer.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's hope we don't get locked in here.

Hey.

Looks like they were none too happy about our not showing what they do to

posters. Oh, man, look what they did. Well, mine come with the genitalia

drawn on it.

You know, they actually, they didn't even, they didn't sell at all until they

drew that stuff on it.

I don't believe this. Come on, we'll go up and see Grant up in his bedroom, and

then at least he'll know we were here. All right?

Come on. Please.

Don't take anything.

The Brommer?

Look, look, a little sleeping angel.

Oh, you should see, when the moonlight comes in, about 3 a .m., there's a

silhouette. It's magical.

Don't look at me like that. It's the Schumacher's Christmas card.

I've got to get on that mailing list.

Grant, Grant, G -Boy.

He's like the heaviest sleeper in the universe.

Grant. Birthday fella.

Okay. Grab the bed.

Oh, no.

Jerry.

Jeff. Jeff. Jeff Goldblum. Happy birthday.

You almost said Jeff Bridges. That was Friday.

We were actually locked in Jeff Goldblum's freezer.

We were going to be here on time. Jeff Goldblum's freezer.

Wow.

We were rescued when my wife, Gina Davis, came down for microwave pancakes.

Thank goodness.

Pancakes. She can't get enough, thank goodness.

Scary.

But we have a message for you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Greg.

Yeah, look what Uncle Gary did. Yeah, he brought Jeff Goldblum to wish me a

happy birthday.

Jeff Goldblum, wow.

Gee, Gary, you really came through for us. Thank you. Thanks, pal. Oh, well,

Gary, that was very sweet of you.

Well, since we're all here, why don't we just move the party downstairs? Come

on. Yeah, we can play the home version of win, lose, or draw.

Oh, the home version.

The thing we knew.

Okay, don't be nervous.

There's a knob on this side of the door.

You won't get locked in.

Take it home, Gar.

Well, that's our show, basically, for tonight.

I thought it worked out great. You know, Jeff and I called Bert and Nancy, and

they came over to join the Schumachers.

Everything worked out between me and the Schumachers, and they're getting along

great with my new friends.

And, boy, get a load of Bert's robe.

And I, by the way, would like to make it very clear, we received no compensation

whatsoever from the Win, Lose, or Draw people for plugging their show

incessantly. Although, they did give me this free jacket.

Good night, everybody. See you later.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Stanley Show.