All language subtitles for its_garry_shandlings_s02e15_go_go_goldblum

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks so much.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

The, um... Thank you.

This is you folks watching at home. No.

I talked to the audience before the
show.

And they're simply pretending to be
excited about me coming out.

Just so, I'm always going to be honest
with you. They don't care that much.

got in for free, and they're here in my
house.

But you did a good job, and really, if
there's an acting award to be given to

audience this year, I think you have it.
But you've all come on a wonderful

night, because tonight is the night I'm
going to dinner at the Schumacher's.

Yeah, well, that was an honest reaction.
We're fairly happy about it.

No, this is a really good thing because
if you watch the show regularly, and I

guess that really cuts down on the
number I'm talking to right now, you

busy I am. I lead a very busy life, you
know.

Well, you know, if I'm not here, I'm
over there.

No, sometimes I'm way over there by the
fireplace. And so, really, I'm busy

because you know what my life is.

I want to work out. I don't have time to
work out.

No, seriously, what? What are you
laughing at?

Don't come to this show and laugh.

You know, uh, no, because I was beaten
up a lot as a kid. I was actually

in the seventh grade.

And, um, it's an old joke. I threw an
old joke in. I don't know why.

I don't know why. I had no idea I was
going to tell you that. But, uh, the

important thing is, is just, uh, I'm
busy. If I'm, you know, I...

Sometimes I'm in that room, and then
sometimes I'm over here. It's a madhouse

around here. You know what I'm saying.

And I just haven't had time to spend
with the Schumacher. So tonight, I said

coming to dinner. It's going to be
great. And why don't you watch the

and listen to the opening theme while I
show you just how busy I am around this

place, and then you'll understand.

Thank you so much.

This is the theme to Gary's show. Gary
called me up and asked if I would write

theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you
like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The
opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the
credits.

We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's
show.

What

has

this show become, ladies and gentlemen?

Anyway, so that's just an idea of what I
do in 41 seconds. If you multiply that

by what a whole day would be...

You can imagine how exhausted I am at
the end of a given day, which is why I

can't even... Gary, Gary.

Look what came in the mail. An
invitation to a party tonight at Jeff

house. Oh, I didn't know you knew Jeff
Goldblum. No, I don't. It's addressed to

you. You know him. It was put in my
mailbox by mistake.

Oh, gee, I must have not seen it when I
went through your mail.

Remind me, I also have some free samples
to give you.

Oh, okay, well...

a great time at the party. Oh, oh, wait,
I can't go.

I have to go to the Schumacher's
tonight. You know, I've been meaning to

the Schumacher's forever, and I put it
off till tonight, and that's the one

night I can't go.

Gary, why can't you do both?

Well,

there's an idea.

You guys want to go to both?

That's a great idea. Thanks for thinking
of that. No, no, wait. I have a joke

I'm going to do I want you to be with me
for.

Wow, party. Two parties in one night.

Two parties in one night. Boy, when it
rains, it pours.

Hello, Morton Salt. We salute you.

That's why I wanted you here.

I can't go through that alone. You
should have seen the monologue. It was

mess.

Okay, I'll go to two.

Great. Have fun. Okay, see you later.
This is exciting.

How well?

I believe we've finished with dessert,
Grant.

You may clear away the dishes now.

Yes, Mother.

You know, they let Grant eat with the
adults as long as he behaves, which is

very difficult for him, but I know he
wanted to laugh when I burped the

to the Constitution.

Maybe that's why I never get invited to
a dinner at the White House.

I'm having a great time. The dinner was
just great.

Oh, well, thank you. Home cooking is so
special.

How do you get the egg in the meatloaf?
I've always... I could never figure that

out. It's like a hostess cupcake.

When you eat with you, you never know
what you're going to hit.

Hey, Gary. Gary, you want to see some
pictures of the baby sleeping?

Oh, gee. Well, you know, I just saw the
baby sleeping, the actual baby, unless

it's a sonogram. I'll take a look at
that.

Uh, pictures of the baby resting.

Oh. Well, that might be interesting.

Let's show them the videotape.

Well, show them the one of the baby
moving. Yeah. Oh, gee.

We're lucky they have that one. It's
usually rented out by now.

Hey, Uncle Gary, you want to see me do
the box step?

Grant's taking lessons. Gary's going to
love it. Oh, gee.

There's really, uh, no.

One, two, three, one, two, three.

Gary, you want to cut in?

Come on. Oh, no, although you look like
a music box.

It looks nice.

Come on, cut in. Oh, thanks. I only
twist. You know that.

Honey, I don't think Uncle Gary's
interested in the box step.

It's adult time.

That's right, son. It's so rare that we
get a chance to spend some time with

Gary. Go get the home version of Win,
Lose, or Draw.

Yeah.

Gary, you're going to love it. It's like
charades. But instead of acting out the

clues, you draw pictures.

Oh, gee, you know, it sounds great, but
I was actually getting ready to go.

So soon? Well, um... Really? Well,
aren't you feeling well? No, I'm fine. I

invited to another party, actually, that
I wanted to try to make.

Oh. Oh. Yeah. Really? Where?

Whose? Oh, it's Jeff Goldblum's, but I
just thought I told him I might stop by.

Jeff Goldblum? That's the Grant's
favorite movie star? Yeah. Yeah, the

big chill, the...

I forgot my mantra line in Annie Hall.

That's right.

You are a fan.

Yeah, I am. Well, you just go on. Run
along ahead, Gary.

Well, I could play a few rounds of this.
Come on. Or periods or quarters.

Whatever it is. Come on. We'll do a
little.

Gary, it's okay. There's no pressure.
You can go. We understand.

Go ahead. Have a wonderful time.

We'll see you tomorrow for Grant's
birthday.

Oh, that's right. Tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow it is. That's going to be
exciting.

Can you tell me really, though, how you
get the egg and the meatloaf? Come on.

I'm going to be thinking about it.
Someday, baby, when we have more time.

Oh.

Thanks. It was really wonderful.

Don't smoke, Eric.

I'll see you. Bye.

Take care.

Ow. Ow.

Oh.

Oh, my ears are burning.

Oh, someone must be talking about me.

Oh, and I know it's not you. It must be
the Schumachers.

Oh, boy.

Gee,

it was nice of Gary to let us feed him
before he ran off to mingle with his

celebrity friends.

Yeah, what are we anyway? The Elephant
Man family?

Hey, that's not fair.

Gary's our closest and dearest friend.
And it's only natural that he should

some celebrity friends. I guess we just
have to learn to, uh, to let go a

little. He's gone showbiz.

Mom, Dad, I really feel violated.

Thank goodness my ears cooled down.

Really, sometimes it'll spread to my
hair and all the wildlife goes running.

I don't think of the Schumachers as the
elephant man family, really.

Although, you know, Michael Jackson did
offer Grant $10 ,000 for his bones.

I know, that's less than the million
that the real guy got, but still, a

generous offer.

But, you know, we've already committed,
you and I, to going to the Jeff Goldblum

party. We'll have fun.

Come on.

See you there.

Go, Blooms.

This is the, uh, foyer, I think it's
called.

Or the foyer.

Do you know which it is? I don't. I'm
gonna have to call... You know what?

call my lawyer and ask him.

Uh, uh, well, bats.

Bats. Bats and belfries.

Three strikes, you're out. Oh, come on,
Jeff.

This is a great clue.

Come on.

Oh, they're playing win, lose, or draw
just like the Schumachers wanted to.

Hey, guys, the timer's up. No, look,
look, look.

A rose is a rose is a rose. It's Pete
Rose.

Come on, wasn't so hard?

Nice drawing, nice try. Listen, you
know, I think it would have been easier

you if you'd drawn some roses. You know,
like those beautiful ones in the foyer.

But, you know, I always thought it was
Pete Rosé.

Gary, Gary, I didn't see you come. Mr.

Lee for the party.

How's my hair? Well, a little damp. A
little damp, Jim. That's the illusion.

That's the illusion.

Come on in. You know everybody here, I
think. You know Bert Convey? Hi, Gary.

Nice to meet you. Hope you're ready to
play win, lose, or draw. Sounds like my

prom night.

Excuse us one second. One second. You
can go while we're... Let me get you

punch. Do you want some? Or do you want
some of the pastries my caterer made?

No, I just ate. Thanks. Your caterer, I
had a party catered once, and the guy

wanted $10 a person. I said, I can't
charge them that.

I had to charge him $15 a person to show
any profit at all.

Are you okay? What's the matter? I don't
know. You're down. You're down or

something. You know the Schumachers,
right? Yeah, yeah. Jackie Pede, Lil'

and Blue Suede. Right. So I just had
dinner with them, and then I left them

early to come to this party, and I just
feel really guilty about it. Have you

ever gone through that? I don't know.

Listen, let me tell you a story, Gary.

I once went to Bart Convey's house, and
I had to leave early to go to Wink

Martindale's to play tic -tac -toe.

But, you know, I just told him, you
know, I let him know that my friendship

Wink didn't diminish my friendship with
him.

So that's what I should do with the
Schumachers, just be up front like that.

know, I have such trouble confronting
them, but Grant's birthday party is

tomorrow, and maybe that's a good time
that I can just talk to them and get it

all straightened out.

Grant is such a fan of yours, by the
way. He's seen the Big Chill a dozen

He saw the fly, I think, 14 times, and I
think he almost saw all of Transylvania

65 ,000.

He is a big fan.

Hey,

fellas, we're about to start another
round over here. You don't want to miss

fun, do you? No, we don't. One second.
We'll be there.

One minute. You know, Gary, I have a
thought. I have a thought. If it would

you out at all, I wouldn't mind stopping
by his birthday party.

You're kidding.

Are you serious?

That would be so great if you could say
hi to Grant on his birthday. It would be

the best present he could ever have. But
I don't want you to do it if you really

don't want to. I'm offering. I'm
offering. Oh.

Thanks. You're welcome. You know,
Goldboom, this may not be tic -tac -doe.

And I may not be Wink Martindale.

But it seems to me you could have the
common courtesy to play win, lose, or

draw. This is your house.

I apologize, Bert. I'm sorry.

I'll be right there. One second.

Here we come.

You guys really have a little problem
there. See, look, Gary, you know, I

be offended by Bert's attitude, like
Bill Cullen would be.

But friendship takes effort.

Thanks. I got to remember that. I'll
talk to them.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

He's on our team? Yeah, sure.

Well,

I've never played this before.

Now you're talking. All right. I've got
to try. I have no idea. I've got a

puzzle for you right here. Guys, listen
up. Here you go. You've got one minute

to do this, okay? So I have to convey
this to them? That's right. You have to

get the idea on the paper. Okay. I've
never done this. Us, us, us.

Here you go.

Ready? And go.

Okay. Okay.

I should have put the gift in here.

Eric, the gift is in there. Oh, thank
goodness.

Relax, relax.

Admit it.

Aren't you really glad I convinced you
to go to both the two markers?

I'm incredibly thrilled. Because of you,
I tried to do two things today. I got

him a gift and the paper and the
wrapping paper all in one shot.

And now I'm wrapping it. So it's three
things in one day.

You know, Jackie tells me Grant has
never been so excited in his life.

Well, all the shoemakers are just
floating on air. Oh, I'll bet.

I'll bet. Well, they should be careful.
They have a ceiling fan, don't they?

Boy,

I wish I'd had that joke for the
monologue.

Oh, four things in one day. A phone
call.

It's Gary Shanling's show.

Oh, hi, Jeff. It's Jeff Goldblum.

Oh, we're really looking forward to
seeing you at Grant's.

Give me the phone. Oh, no.

150 pounds of veal pie yard for that
luncheon you're giving tomorrow.

Oh, Jeff.

Oh,

I don't feel well.

Oh, gosh.

Oh,

Jeff. I'm going to have to go.

Yeah, bye.

Gary, Gary, Gary.

Listen to me. There's a very simple
solution to this. You get up. You go

Jeff.

You help him prepare that pie yard, and
then you make sure he gets to the party

and little Grant is not disappointed.

That is a great idea.

Thanks. Great idea.

Good faint, don't you think?

No, as a matter of fact, Gary, that was
about the phoniest faint I've ever seen.

Yeah, it was more like actually getting
shot and thrown back. Yeah, yeah.

Well, listen, Lois, I have to fly to
Jeff Goldblum's house now.

Hey, hey, hold the hand.

I'm not a cook. I'm just trying to get
us done in time. 250.

Don't worry about the time. 50 more
servings, and we're there.

Oh, good. Will we make it? Will we make
it in time to go?

Well, you know, veal is very
temperamental. You can't rush it. If you

turn on you.

Really? Yeah, really. So will the
Schumacher's. You have no idea if we

there.

It's very cold. Direct your anxiety
toward the veal, and we'll be okay.

more. Stop analyzing him. Just keep
going. Just keep going. Get the butter,

please. It's right behind the door.
Behind the door?

One, two, three, four.

Can you see this coming?

Don't tell me.

No, no, Gary.

Gary, you slammed the fridge.

I don't know what to say.

There's nothing to say. Isn't there a
lever or something?

It didn't come with one.

Oh, man. Man is right.

You know, when I first said I was going
to do this series, I said, as long as I

don't do a scene locked in a freezer...
Let me out.

Come on.

Don't just sit there.

What are we going to do? What are we
going to do?

You may very well die of hypothermia
trapped in this freezer.

I think I can feel my fingers and toes
getting numb already.

You know, something is going numb. I
can't say what it is right now. This is

frightening. You've got to stay awake.

You've got to stay awake. Don't
overreact. You've got to stay awake. I

slept well in three nights, and now
you're saying I've got to stay awake.

Oh, man, what are we going to do? We're
going to miss the party. Miss the party?

What's that, like kick the bucket by the
farm?

Jeff, would you just get a grip on it?
Everything... Get a grip, get a grip.

What's that? What are these expressions?

What does that mean? I think my brain is
freezing. Would you stop?

Gary, Gary, I think we may be in here
for the long haul. Let's make a pact.

Whoever dies first will be eaten by the
other.

I don't think so. Why don't we eat all
this food, and then we'll see if we

have an appetite. You know, you've
gotten very friendly once we're locked

here. I don't think anybody needs to eat
anybody else, you know?

You know, maybe if someone would talk
about me, at least maybe my ears could

warm this place up.

Well, it was easier getting in here than
getting out of the freezer.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's hope we don't get locked in here.

Hey.

Looks like they were none too happy
about our not showing what they do to

posters. Oh, man, look what they did.
Well, mine come with the genitalia

drawn on it.

You know, they actually, they didn't
even, they didn't sell at all until they

drew that stuff on it.

I don't believe this. Come on, we'll go
up and see Grant up in his bedroom, and

then at least he'll know we were here.
All right?

Come on. Please.

Don't take anything.

The Brommer?

Look, look, a little sleeping angel.

Oh, you should see, when the moonlight
comes in, about 3 a .m., there's a

silhouette. It's magical.

Don't look at me like that. It's the
Schumacher's Christmas card.

I've got to get on that mailing list.

Grant, Grant, G -Boy.

He's like the heaviest sleeper in the
universe.

Grant. Birthday fella.

Okay. Grab the bed.

Oh, no.

Jerry.

Jeff. Jeff. Jeff Goldblum. Happy
birthday.

You almost said Jeff Bridges. That was
Friday.

We were actually locked in Jeff
Goldblum's freezer.

We were going to be here on time. Jeff
Goldblum's freezer.

Wow.

We were rescued when my wife, Gina
Davis, came down for microwave pancakes.

Thank goodness.

Pancakes. She can't get enough, thank
goodness.

Scary.

But we have a message for you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to
you.

Happy birthday, dear Greg.

Yeah, look what Uncle Gary did. Yeah, he
brought Jeff Goldblum to wish me a

happy birthday.

Jeff Goldblum, wow.

Gee, Gary, you really came through for
us. Thank you. Thanks, pal. Oh, well,

Gary, that was very sweet of you.

Well, since we're all here, why don't we
just move the party downstairs? Come

on. Yeah, we can play the home version
of win, lose, or draw.

Oh, the home version.

The thing we knew.

Okay, don't be nervous.

There's a knob on this side of the door.

You won't get locked in.

Take it home, Gar.

Well, that's our show, basically, for
tonight.

I thought it worked out great. You know,
Jeff and I called Bert and Nancy, and

they came over to join the Schumachers.

Everything worked out between me and the
Schumachers, and they're getting along

great with my new friends.

And, boy, get a load of Bert's robe.

And I, by the way, would like to make it
very clear, we received no compensation

whatsoever from the Win, Lose, or Draw
people for plugging their show

incessantly. Although, they did give me
this free jacket.

Good night, everybody. See you later.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Stanley
Show.