Original subtitles

Thank you.

Really, this is the first time he's stopped crying in like an hour.

I've been taking... This is the Schumacher baby.

Don't respond.

This is dangerous. This is like holding nitro.

Don't laugh. Don't laugh. I won't say anything funny from here on through the

rest of the show, I promise.

Now listen, this is the Schumacher baby. Remember, we have the contest to name

the Schumacher baby. We're all excited because our winner is here, and we're

going to be able to tell you the name of the Schumacher baby.

This is really exciting.

Baby's asleep.

He doesn't care.

This is how you'll be by the end of the show.

That's right.

I'm not nursing him. Don't get the wrong idea.

No, no, no, no. He likes me for who I am.

I didn't know I was going to say that. It makes me laugh.

Keep it down. Keep it down now.

I gave him some club soda earlier, but, you know, he'll start burping like a

madman any second now.

This thing will probably come shooting out like a bullet. Gary, I don't know

what you're shouting. Give me back that baby right now and get on with naming

him already.

Oh, okay. I was taking real good care of him. Really, I tinted his hair. I

tinted his hair.

Don't tell me he doesn't look younger.

Anyway, why don't we just get on with it then and introduce our contest winner

with you. She's been living all week with the Schumachers. We've flown her in

from Wilmington, Ohio, and she's really... Leonard, you're not the

winner. No, no, I'm just going to help this very sexy lady to her feet.

Well, that's nice of you, Leonard. This is her, Donna Taylor.

Hi, Donna.

This is so exciting.

Isn't this exciting? And look, the baby's woken up in anticipation of

its name for the first time.

Well, I can see you're thrilled, Donna. All right.

Did you have a nice flight? Yes, I did. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome.

All right. We're never going to get anything out of that bit, are we? No.

Okay. Now, Donna, everyone's waiting. Why don't you just go ahead and tell

everybody the name of the Schumacher baby?

Blue Suede Schumacher.

Blue Suede Schumacher. Is that correct?

Blue Suede.

Isn't that right?

Blue kind of like the song kind of... That's very clever, Gary. But really,

is the name?

No, that's it. Blue Suede Schumacher.

Gary!

Shanling, I will not allow my child to go through life with a ridiculous name.

Don't get angry at me. No, she picked it. She chose the name. She wrote it

I just selected it. I am blinged, don't you? She's our contest winner. We are

legally obligated to use the name. We are on the air.

I think I have a solution. I think probably Donna could come up with

name. Oh, great.

Well, I guess that would be all right. Is that all right with you?

Donna?

Donna? How about, uh...

How about you and me brainstorm some names over frosty margaritas over Casa

Smith, huh?

I am so sorry, Donna. Why don't you just have a seat right here?

Just cool it just a little bit.

Maybe during the opening theme, you can try to think of another name for the

lovely Schumacher baby that the Schumachers would like. Really, I wish

And maybe one that's not quite so funny yet would still warrant and justify your

airfare.

There you go.

You know, my mother named me while she was listening to the theme from

That's right. I'll bet you can't guess. My name was almost Miss Kitty Shandling.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary's Shandling show.

There's nothing wrong with that.

How about, uh, Saddle Schumacher? No.

No. Saddle Schumacher. All right. Come on, Grant. Do you want to help name your

brother? Jeezum crow. Name the friggin' baby whatever you darn well want.

Oh, Gary, you'll have to excuse Grant. The baby's been getting so much

lately, he's feeling neglected.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Well, maybe I can give him a little henna or something like that. Gary, will

stop this?

You make an awful mother.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, yes, I know. Not according to the lady at the fabric

Honey, why don't you tell everybody that joke that you made up?

Yeah, like anyone but Uncle Gary's allowed to tell a joke around here.

Well, Grant, that's normally the case, but we'll make an exception tonight

because we'd love to hear your joke.

Really? Absolutely.

Come on, tell the joke.

You know, the other day I had to write a term paper for school.

And I got to thinking, who writes an original term paper anyway?

I mean, I just turned in the encyclopedia and said, just read the

highlighted.

That's a good joke.

That's a good joke. I'll bet you could be a professional comedian someday.

Really? You really mean it? Absolutely. I mean, because I have other jokes, too.

You know, I've been thinking about going to open mic night at Mr. Peck's.

You don't want to put yourself through that, Grant. Believe me, it's... I do.

Oh, excuse me. Just a minute. Donna, Donna, I know that you're from a small,

rural community, and so I thought I'd explain.

Mr. Peck is a comedy club here in Sherman Oaks.

And every Wednesday, they open the microphone for amateurs.

Hence the name Open Mic.

Thank you.

I'd like to make it clear that Nancy's attitude is her own and does not reflect

the way we feel about the intelligence of people from Ohio.

Gary, Gary, Grant's joke was very funny, but performing in a nightclub, I don't

think that's very realistic. No.

I don't want my son hanging out in a nightclub, Gary.

Okay, fine.

Just go back to talking about the baby and bothering him.

Just go back.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What if I help him? All right, I'll take him down

to the club. I'll be with him, and I'll talk to Mr. Peck, and it'll be fine.

Okay? Okay.

This'll be great.

That's great. Yeah, I could see Grant. Great. Me too. I might even take a date.

You know, if I can find some sexy contest winner from Wilmington, Ohio.

long show for Donna.

Oh, Donna, Donna, these are fried

zucchini sticks.

It's zucchini fried in a batter. Well, I think you'd like it.

I think we both like it.

Hello,

everyone.

Thank you, thank you.

Welcome to Open Mic Night at Mr. Peck's. I'm your host, Mr. Peck. But before we

begin, I'd like you to meet a celebrity in the audience tonight.

A man you've seen on the Sunday Today show, Make Me Laugh.

The man who proves that slapstick is not dead, Mr. Gary Funny Shandling!

A young man, first time on any stage, anywhere.

Let's really welcome Grant Schumacher.

Hi,

I'm Grant Schumacher. It's really nice to be here performing on Mr. Peck.

You know, I had a little trouble getting here because I had to take the bus.

Did you ever notice that buses in Los Angeles have no... specific roots.

They just kind of roam around.

You know, I think they give him the bus in the morning and say, just be back by

five.

You know, while I was on the bus, I was reading that Rambo 3 is coming out,

which is going to be a real stretch for Sylvester Stallone. Because this time,

he's going to use a verb.

is James Bond because he has a license to kill.

I mean, how do you get a license to kill? Do you have to go to the TMV and

a test?

Okay, James, parallel parking. Shoot that old lady over there.

to write a term paper for school.

And I got to thinking, who writes an original term paper anyway?

I mean, I just turned in the encyclopedia and said, just read the

highlighted.

Son, you were very, very funny.

I'll say.

Yeah, I can't believe you thought of all those things.

Yeah, and you know, Mr. Peck wants me to go back up on Saturday night.

And I'm going to be even funnier.

That's great.

Really great.

Oh, that's terrific. There are so many people I want to invite.

Honey, get out the Christmas card list.

We'll make some calls.

Hope Aunt Sylvia can make it in from London.

Don't laugh. You know, um... And I really mean it.

You know...

When Grant was in the fifth grade play, Peter Pan, and Grant played Tinkerbell,

because he's a great tink. All kidding aside, no one laughed harder than Aunt

Sylvia.

There you go.

What a rush. It is, isn't it? Being on stage like that. I know. It's great.

a great feeling. Now I understand why you called me in the middle of the night

when you were on the road. I mean, when you shouted, Oh, Grant, he likes me, he

likes me, he likes me.

The important... Leonard, what are you doing?

Oh, hi, guys.

Well, it's past the witching hour. I'd best be going.

Oh, by the way, Gare, great contest winner.

I'd just like to say that, uh...

Leonard's actions are entirely his own and in no way reflect this show's

feelings concerning promiscuity with people from Ohio.

Hi, nice to see you.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

Well,

five days have passed.

I guess you can tell because, well, that's right.

My hair is a little longer. You got it.

And you won't believe who showed up at the club.

Hi, it's Sylvia, all the way from London.

Oh, my little tink.

Oh, Mr. Peck, some zucchini sticks for the table?

Oh, Grant's really getting carried away. You know, I was doing comedy for ten

years before I ordered zucchini for the table.

Donna, thanks for coming.

Stay. Where's Leonard?

Gee, I don't know. He won't return my phone calls.

Oh, Donna, Donna.

Donna, sometimes when a man and a woman yield to temptation just a little too

easily, well, afterwards the man... Oh, shut up.

Welcome to Saturday Night at Mr. Peck's.

I know why you're all here.

But before we bring out Grant Schumacher...

I'd like to bring out a young

man you've seen on the David Letterman Show.

He's been in nightclubs all over the country, but this is a first for Mr.

Peck's. I'd like you to give a warm welcome to David Wood.

It's good to be here, Mr. Pax. We've got a good -looking crowd here tonight.

Looks like a lot of students. A lot of students in the crowd.

Yeah.

You know, I think when you're a student, I think everybody cheats a little bit,

don't they?

Like, who ever writes original term papers?

Nobody. By the time I was sitting here, I just handed in the encyclopedia.

I just tell them to read the parts I highlighted.

You know, when I had trouble getting here tonight, my car broke down, so I

a bus. Do you ever ride buses in L .A.? You know, as far as I can figure out,

these buses have no specific route.

I think the bus driver goes in, 8 o 'clock in the morning, they just give

bus and tell him, hey, be back by 5.

You know what, I'm reading a newspaper on the bus. I see we've got the movie

Rambo 3 coming up. Kind of a big stress for Stallone. He's going to use a verb.

My big favorite of all are James Bond movies. I love James Bond because he has

license to kill.

How'd he get a license to kill?

How could you do that? How could you steal David Wood's material and call it

your own? I mean, are you really that starved for attention?

Uncle Gary, I'm really sorry.

I just made a mistake.

Yeah. But my parents paid more attention to me on Wednesday night than ever

since that stupid blue suede was born.

Yeah, Grant, I understand that, but... No, could we use the camera angle

into the mirror? I think the scene will play more dramatic.

Thank you.

But, Grant, where are you going?

I don't know.

Well, you're going to have to talk to your parents somehow and just get this

thing behind you, all right?

You know, I like that attention so much, I was even thinking of dropping out of

school and everything.

Yeah, but, Grant, think of what your life would have been like if you dropped

out of school.

and spent, what, the next ten years of your life in some dingy comedy club?

It wouldn't be a pretty picture, Grant. Think of what you'd be like ten years

from now.

Now, come on. Just think about it. It wouldn't be pretty. Close your eyes.

about it.

Think about it.

Think about it. It wouldn't be pretty.

Repeat after me. It wouldn't be pretty. It wouldn't be pretty.

Okay,

Grant. History.

What president instituted the New Deal?

I don't know.

But I need a new deal at the comedy club.

They're only paying me $50 a pop.

Slimy bastards.

Franklin Roosevelt.

Wow. You're pretty smart.

Where'd you pick that up?

In high school.

I never went to high school.

I was on the road so much and missed so many classes, they kicked me out.

Slimy bastards.

You're a pretty bitter, ignorant guy, you know that?

Hey, hey, no one talks to me that way.

I'm Grant Schumacher.

People once flew in from London to see me perform. Get out of here, right now.

Go on.

Slimy bastards.

I paint a pretty vivid picture, don't I?

Maybe it's all for the better, Uncle Gary.

Besides, I mean, what kind of person is so starved for attention that he has to

go up night after night in front of total strangers and seek their approval?

mind, Mr. Peck. I'm not going on. Well, I got a house full of them out there.

Hey,

a comedy club?

An empty stage? An extra comic in the dressing room?

Hey, the possibilities are endless.

I'll go on, Mr. Peck.

So, I go fishing with my friend, and we have no idea what we're doing. You know,

we're in the boat. We're trolling in the boat. We're going like 40 miles an

hour. We're going way too fast. We look back.

The worm is water skiing.

He's doing tricks. He's on one hook.

The worm is having fun. You know.

How about those buses in L .A.? Yeah, boy, I don't think they have any

I just think they send them out and say, be back by five.

That's right. I've been on stage four hours. I'm into David Woods material.

Anyway, let me tell you what's happened in the story.

All right, first of all, Leonard Smith is driving Donna Taylor back to Ohio.

My guess is there'll be a long stop in Missouri.

The second of all, the Schumachers agreed to name the baby Blue Suede. So

made Donna feel better.

And, of course, last and most importantly, you know,

they really...

are getting along with Grant, and he's getting all the attention he wants.

Good night. See you next week.

Hope you enjoy this Gary Salmon show.