Original subtitles

I... I... Thanks. Well, welcome to the

show. And there's not much of a monologue tonight because...

I'm actually really excited.

Well, I know you're disappointed. I've never seen such a disappointed reaction.

It slid right by you.

Monologue? Not do a monologue? Oh, honey, let's get out of here.

I'm actually excited because I got a new stereo VCR.

Well,

you're laughing at the wrong places.

It's just a video recorder. I got this stereo TV because I love...

Stereo television. I mean, isn't it the best, really?

Yeah, it's... You never do really say, it's not in stereo, why waste our time,

do you?

But I like watching Password in stereo, because it's like, Betty White sounds

like she's over here, and, you know, Jamie Farr sounds like he's way over

Bert Convy comes right out of both speakers, right at you.

And so then this way, I can now tape my stereo programs and play them later at

parties, because I have a lot of really... Okay.

I really don't have any. I don't like parties, if the truth be known. It's

really to the point now, if I'm not invited, I don't even go.

So, the deal is, this is my place.

And, you know, Grant is...

This is a wonderful angle I have on Grant. You know, little Grant is helping

install the video recorder because he's really an electronics whiz. And so then

I promised him as a reward for helping me install this that I would take him

anywhere he wants to go on Saturday, in the car. You know, he loves going in the

car. I crack the window down a little and he sticks his head out.

And the wind hits him in the face and, you know, it's adorable.

He thinks he's people, really.

So, uh, now how much longer is this gonna take, Grant? Oh, cool your jets,

Gary. It'll be ready when it's ready.

Sure he's got a hot temper.

You know, I hope he uses his genius for good, not evil.

Uncle Gary, do you have any coaxial crimpers?

Oh, you know, I got some. I got a lot of crimpers next to my bed.

But I don't think any of them are coaxial. It's got to be coaxial. It's

be coaxial. Okay, well, you know what I'll do? I'll go over to Solomon's

Hardware Store and pick some up. Okay, okay. It's about a two -minute walk from

here.

I hate to leave you hanging for two minutes right in the middle of the show.

Well, you know what? We can run the opening theme. That's 41 seconds.

And I'll run instead of walk, and I'll be back in 41 seconds.

So you won't be alone, okay?

You time me. Ready, set, go.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show.

Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch this

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

How close was I?

I'm really sorry that took me a little longer than the opening theme.

Solomon's was out of crimpers and I had to run down to the downtown store.

How's it going, Grant?

Oh, all right. Why?

Why are you posing like you're in GQ?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I'm just a cool guy.

Would it have anything to do with the fact that there's a hole in the wall?

There's a beautiful, huge hole in the wall, Grant. Look, I'm sorry.

I just, I guess I yanked the cable too hard.

Oh, yeah, Grant always forgets about his superhuman strength.

You know, one time he actually sat in a chair and it broke.

Grant, it goes all the way through.

To the next apartment.

Hey, Mr.

Sparks.

Hey, I'm Gary Shandling, your next -door neighbor.

What is this hole doing here?

Well, I'll come right over and explain it to you. No, you won't.

I don't want you to break anything in here. I'll come over there.

Right -o.

Well, all right. This will be good.

Oh, boy, what a crotchety old coot.

Hey, come on, Grant. That's no way to talk to older people, you know? They're

very wise and they have a lot to offer.

Who do you think that is?

Hey.

Mr. Sparks, really, it's good to see you. You know, it's funny that this

had to happen for us to really get to know each other, isn't it? This is

a godsend. I already know who you are.

I hear you talking to yourself all the time.

Your car is always parked over the line in my parking space.

And I know that you steal the comics out of my paper every Sunday.

You know, Mary Worth isn't in the recycler.

So... Okay.

Now, what the hell happened to my wall?

Okay. Well, it's really nothing. You know, and I was putting in this VCR.

you know, the walls are very thin to begin with in the apartment.

So...

Okay, well, he did it. He did it.

I can't believe it myself, Mr. Sparks. I was out at the hardware store, and I

came back. What did you do? What did you do?

Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Sparks. I was just hooking up Uncle Gary's stereo VCR for

him, and I yanked the cable, and I didn't know... Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait. Wait a minute here.

He was doing your work, and you're blaming him?

Well, yeah. Can you believe it?

Chandling, you're a bigger ass than I thought.

Oh, yeah, Mr.

Sparks. All right.

You know, Grant, why don't you just run along and I'll see you Saturday, okay?

Okay. Yeah.

I want to talk to Mr. Sparks. It was nice meeting you, Mr. Sparks. Mm -hmm.

Bye. See you again. You know, Mr.

Sparks, look,

I can take care of the whole. I know you're a little upset about it, but all

right, look.

Why don't we just say three days have passed.

I've had the whole fix, and it's as good as new.

Okay? That's it.

You see?

Here,

thank you very much. Great job. Good job.

It's all fixed up, and three days flew by like that.

Three days, huh? Yeah.

Terrific, Shanling.

I missed my medication.

Well, you know, hey.

laughter's the best medicine, Mr. Sparks. Let me tell you some of my

jokes. You know, come on, just one maybe. You know, have you ever heard the

about... Oh, hi, Mr. Sparks. Hi, Nancy.

Oh, hey, Nan.

Oh, so you ready for our trip, Uncle Gary?

For our trip? Oh, Jesus. Time really flies on this show, doesn't it?

Uh, yeah, where do you want to go? Do you know?

Yeah, I want to go to Shandling Land.

Oh, Shandling Land.

It's a real blast.

Yeah, yeah, and that's exactly what's wrong with it. You know, when I lent my

name to that amusement park, I thought there'd be a lot more than just thrill

rides. I thought it'd be educational, too. You know, like the Epcot Center.

Or like the University of Colorado.

Oh, come on, Uncle Peter. Come on, Gary. Come on, Gary. Come on. Oh, all right.

You always get me with that one.

Oh, can Mr. Sparks come, too? No, no, no.

I don't think that's a good idea at all. No, no, no, no. I think that... Shows

how much you know, Shanley. I would love to go. Terrific. All right, Mr. Sparks

is coming. All right, then.

With the following conditions.

You are not to go on any rides with me. You are not to touch me. You are not to

talk to me. And above all, you are not to look at me.

Sounds like one of my date.

be proud of my park the way Walt Disney was, or Don Knott's very.

Dad, what ride should we go on first?

Look at this, son. A map with all 102 major attractions.

Oh, no. Gary's Hall of Allergies is closed.

We could have gotten tested for cats.

I notice a large portion of this park is taken up by Fairyland.

That's a It happens to be Dairyland.

Oh, oh, Mr. Sparks, come on, let's go in the magic hair dryer.

Lead on.

You know, Mr. Kyle's the operator. He'll catch us up on all the latest gossip.

Her hair looks better when you get off.

Dad, do you think I'm old enough to go on Gary's haunted bedroom?

I hope so, son, because they can't stop to let you off like they did on the

merry -go -round.

I got to get one of those for my real bedroom.

What a great ride. Feel my hair. It's so fluffy. Oh, this is nice.

It's amazing you didn't fly off that thing. What with the centrifugal force

goes up. I'll bet they train astronauts on that thing.

Did you enjoy the ride, Mr. Sparta? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course,

didn't learn anything.

An acquaintance of mine wouldn't appreciate the fact that I had a good

Oh, man, you know, I've had about all of him I can take. I'm serious. I've

tried. Your attention, please.

Join us on Main Street, Sherman Oaks, for the Gary Shandling Parade of Stars.

I think it's right on the money.

Well, no one asked you.

I told you not to talk to me.

Well, I wouldn't talk to you if I didn't have to listen to you. That's it. Take

me home.

That's it. Take me home.

I've had enough.

Look, fellas, fellas, we paid 25 bucks to get in here.

Now, I don't want to leave until we've seen that new attraction, Nancy's Dream

House, okay?

Okay, fine. Then I'm leaving. All right, then. I'm going, too.

Fine. Fine. I'm going to do this one thing, and I'm leaving. Fine. Me, too.

Gary, this is like no dream house I've ever had.

It's more like my dream house, what with the rows of chairs right in front of

the bed.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Nancy's dream house.

And here she is, the delightful Nancy.

What shall I wear for Gary today?

I think of Gary at work and play.

I hope that Gary is on his way, for I love the boy next door.

I thirst for him. I cling for him.

I thirst with pride when I'm seen with him.

But what do I really mean to him?

Is she great? Is she great or what?

This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

Oh, come on. This is the best thing in the whole park.

What should I do today?

I know.

I'll make Gary a shirt.

Fine silk for his soft skin.

Gary looks dashing whatever he's in.

Do you think I'll ever find a woman who will love me like that?

Gary, I hope there's not a woman left in the world who would love anyone like

that.

You know, it wouldn't hurt you to make me a shirt every now and then.

My late wife, Miriam, loved me like that. Oh, shut up.

Well, it's time for me to go to bed.

But first, my little prayer must be said.

Oh, for the love of... Love of God.

Would you keep it down? She's praying.

Shandling Land is a magic place where people don't care about age, creed, or

race.

All the world's troubles would disappear if we kept Gary's spirit throughout the

whole year.

So, whether you're short, portly, regular, or tall,

in someone's wall.

Can't you find it in your heart to love your neighbors one and all?

So let's all reach out to one another.

Let's all join hands and love thy brother.

Promise of Nancy's Dreamhouse. The next show will begin shortly.

Boy, you know, I've seen a lot of Broadway shows, and this is the best

I've ever seen.

Really, take my word for it. You don't... He's Gary.

He's Gary.

He's Gary.

The boy next door.

I never expect applause when I sing, seriously.

I took singing lessons for three years, and my singing teacher actually said,

you're throwing off the piano.

You know, maybe I have, uh...

Been too hard on Shanling Land. After all, you know, isn't love and

all you can ever expect to learn from an amusement park?

You better not look at me again, Shanling, or I'll pop you one. Oh,

nothing but a big old bully, Mr.

Sparks. Yeah, well, I'm going to grab all your hair and rip it out by the

and then I'm going to wash these gloves.

Boy, they move like they're almost real, don't they?

Anyway, at least the real Mr.

Sparks and the real Gary learned the lessons of Shandling Land. And now Bert

I, we're going to go hit the hair dryer ride because I think we're built for

speed. Good night, everybody.

See you next week. Come on, Bert.

Hope you enjoyed this Gary Shandling show.