Original subtitles

Thank you.

There's always so much more applause before the show than right after the

Anyway, I'm a little nervous about tonight's show. So good to see you all.

I'm a little nervous because tonight is actually the first show.

Well, I'm not real nervous, first of all.

Well, I'm wearing dress shields.

But then I always wear dress shields.

There's one man in the audience who likes dress shields.

And, you know, when I make love, I actually wear sweatbands.

Well, because that's how much I sweat. When I make love, I wear sweatbands.

I'm going to work to this one man, ladies and gentlemen.

The truth is I'm a little nervous because tonight is the

first night on the show we're actually going to show me working in a nightclub.

And, yeah, you're excited.

I know what you're thinking. Gee, if we'd known we were going to spend the

in some slimy, smoke -filled room that smells like alcohol, we could have gone

into the kids' room.

But this will be really so much more fun because, of course, it's a comedy room

and we're going to have a lot of fun because there'll be no kids there.

You know, I'm going to... Can I check who this guy is?

Normally, I don't like guys who laugh at jokes that no one else laughs at,

but... Can I do this?

Where are you, sir?

This is David Woods.

He's normally not on camera because he comes and does the warm -ups before the

show. Thank you, David. Good job.

Is he funny?

David's funny?

Oh, this is nice. What are you writing down here, sir? Are you taking notes?

a TV critic, and I don't want to wait until it goes on the air.

Very good.

That's a nice sweater you're wearing, really.

It seems only fair we can critique you as well.

Now look at this guy.

This is, by the way, how you should all laugh. If you ever come to this show,

this is an example.

Nice to see you, sir. What is your name?

Norman Wax. Norman Wax. And is this your wife?

Yes, it is, Gary.

Yeah, this is my wife.

Yeah, the wonders of nitrous oxide, ladies and gentlemen.

That's my wife, Rose. Yeah, oh.

Let's explain it a few more times.

Where are you guys from?

We live right here in the valley, Gary. San Fernando Valley. Oh, thank you.

For a minute, I thought maybe they lived with Rudy Valley.

Really. He can't help it, Gary.

He's your biggest fan. Oh, that's nice of you.

That's nice of you.

What do you do for a living, Norman? I do real estate.

Commercial or residential?

I do both.

Oh, great. Well, gee, if I ever want to live in a Dairy Queen, I'll give you a

call.

You know... He's not spitting on you.

Actually,

I had a realtor who once showed me a house here in the Valley. It was like

,000, and he said, well, it has a great view. I said, for $350 ,000, I'd better

open up the curtains and see breasts against the window.

I don't want to see lights for $350 ,000.

I can buy lights. You can buy lights. You know what I mean, Norman? Whoa, down

the wrong foot.

That's all right. The thing about... Okay, loosen it up then. Loosen it up.

right. Okay. Is he all right? Is something wrong? Oh, gee. Is he... Oh,

something's wrong.

Norman. He's not breathing.

Oh, my God. Is there a doctor?

Is there a doctor?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up

and asked if I would write his theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Sandling's show.

All right, the guy died, okay?

I've never seen anything like it. I don't know what to say. One minute he's

there laughing, and the next minute he's dead. I feel horrible about this.

Oh, thanks for snickering. That's a really nice one.

Pete, thanks for coming over, really. I appreciate it. It's a very difficult

time right now.

You really don't expect a thing like this to happen, Gary. Oh, I'd say.

I mean, if a man is crossing the street and he gets hit by a car, or if he's a

matador, I mean, that's to be expected.

But when you come to a comedy show, I mean, who expects this?

It's terrible.

Was he married?

Yes, he was married.

Children? Children.

My God, that could have been me and my family.

Pete, try just a little bit to say something that might cheer me up. Just

one little thing.

Gary, it's very sad.

You just killed a man who loves you.

And Gary, when word gets out, forget about it. You'll be lucky if anybody

to the show.

Good one. That really, that lifted me right up.

glossy move, Uncle Gary.

Picking on an old man because he wouldn't laugh at your jokes.

It just so happened he was laughing very hard, Grant.

Oh, apparently not enough for Mr. Hey, look at me.

I'm Gary Shanley.

No. You had to slug him.

I didn't. That's not what happened, son. The man died from laughing too hard.

That's right.

Oh, that's not the word on the street.

But if that's your story...

I'll play along because I don't want you to come after me, Uncle Gary.

Don't push me, Grant.

Gary. Gary,

you ready?

Oh, hi, Nance. Ready for what?

Well, your nightclub engagement doesn't start at 9 o 'clock. No, no, I'm not

going. I can't go and be funny tonight.

Gary, Gary, now listen to me.

You did not kill Norman Wax. Well, says who? He just happened to... die while he

was laughing at your old breast pressed against the window joke.

Jeez, Uncle Gary, I can't believe you stole my breast against the window joke.

That's right, and now there's blood on your hands as well, okay?

His joke. I've been framed when you get right down to it.

Gary.

It was an accident.

And you shouldn't feel responsible.

Now, come on. Get dressed. Let's go to the club. No. No, no.

It's a waste. It'll be a waste of time. I'm not going.

Gary, if you were a man, you would go to that club.

Well, if you were a man, you'd grow a beard like Pete.

Okay, I will.

Oh, you... Oh, well.

Okay. I'm going to have to go to the club because she can grow one.

She's always had that over me. No matter how hard I try, I can't grow a beard.

Okay, I'll go.

Ryan is amazing swords, ladies and gentlemen.

There's a new way to floss your teeth.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to ask you a question.

How's my hair?

Well, The next gentleman knows the answer to that question because you've

him on the Today Show and his own television program, which I understand

charming. Of course, I haven't seen it.

Have any of you seen it?

Well, be that as it may, let's get together and give an extra special

Gary Funny Shandling.

I set up that hair thing for you.

Nice to see you. Nice to be here at Mr. Peck's in the Valley.

Anyway,

you know, the

last girl I made love to, I said, was it good for you? She said, you know, I

don't think this is good for anybody.

I know it sounds weird. I quit. I'm through.

Gary! Hey, Blinkin', how come everybody else can grow a beard?

Ruth, there must be something we can do.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute have I got an idea.

Why don't we... That could work. And how about...

If only we could just... Good, all right, it's settled. We get Carl Reiner

come over and cheer up Gary. Great idea.

Today, thanks to advances in scientific and industrial technology, the world of

work offers greater opportunities.

30 ,000 different occupations. I'm thinking about a new career, that's

Good haircut on that guy.

Good haircut on this guy.

I love these things.

You know what I could do? I could... I could...

You know what I think I should do in a new career? I should be an actor on one

of these things.

I wonder who this could be.

Carl Reiner!

Right.

Right.

Carl Reiner.

Like, we're going to get Carl Reiner.

You should get your money back, right?

Mother called and whispered that you were thinking of giving up performing.

Oh.

Can I get you something?

Is that Chinese food?

Oh, yeah.

Is it cold? Oh, yeah. It's very cold. Oh, great.

Great. Great.

Ice cold. Good.

Carl, I didn't know things were that bad.

Would you like a fork?

Oh, it's fine.

Mmm. Delicious.

Well, I'm glad you came by because I am thinking about quitting.

Why?

Because, uh... Somebody died laughing in the audience.

First time, huh?

Yeah. That's the hardest one.

You mean this happens?

Oh, Gary, this stuff happens all the time. We don't like it, but it's one of

grim realities of our business.

You're kidding.

It's happened to all of us on the show of shows. Sid Caesar was responsible for

two or three casualties every week.

Is that right?

I'm starting to feel better.

The 2 ,000 -year -old man. Oh, one of my favorites. Mel Brooks and I killed 25

people with that bit.

And that was mainly at parties for our friends.

Is that right?

I had no idea.

Well, this is really nice of you. I appreciate what you're trying to do, but

I've decided I'm hanging up my lips. The decision's made.

Gary, you can't hang up your lips.

Just out of curiosity, how would you go about hanging up those lips?

I don't really hang them up, Carl. They're folded. It's much like an

flag.

It's a whole ceremony. The color guard comes, they play taps, and they fold it

up.

I can't even... I lower my lips at night all the time.

And then I keep a spotlight on my lips. You're so funny, you can't give that up.

Yes, I can. No.

Now, look.

Look.

Steve Martin has killed more people than you'll ever kill.

Well, I don't use props.

Look, he was going to pack it in. He was going to quit. He was going to pack it

in. Really? But when he went to his first funeral, he changed his mind.

Now, I guarantee you, when you go to that funeral... Wait, I'm not going to

funeral. You've got to go. I'm not going to the funeral. You've got to go. I

killed the guy. Don't you understand?

I'm not... This is a catharsis for you. No. And it'll be especially good for the

family. Oh, you mean so they can take their hostility out on you. Their venom.

Their venom.

They'll wash... That venom will wash over you and it'll wash out your guilt.

You've got to go to the funeral.

Good for us.

Good for us. Right.

Well, wash the venom and wash the guilt. Right. I'm going to go. I've never been

wrong about this. You never have.

That's good advice. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. Maybe it will be good.

Listen. I should go change. Am I in the funeral scene?

No. Wait, wait, wait. Your mother called me for this one lousy scene?

Yeah. Hey, Gar, Gar, I got a suit and my toupee in the car.

I don't know what to say, Carl. Really. You could say I could come.

I got to change.

Cold spaghetti and one little scene.

I think I'll make some long -distance telephone calls.

Hey, no clowning around.

Excuse me. Aren't you Gary Shanley?

Oh, yeah. Uh -huh.

Did you know Norman?

Oh, well, you know, we had a few laughs together.

Gary. Mrs. Wax.

How good of you to come.

Norman was so crazy about you.

Where's the venom? Where's the anger?

Where's the hostility? You pay a guy big bucks, a big guest star like Carl

Reiner to come on and do a scene, give you advice.

How come I still feel guilty?

This guy comes in, eats all my Chinese food.

And I'll bet you anything he made some long -distance phone calls.

I'm serious. Gene Wilder won't even have him over to the house anymore.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Wax. I was just talking to some friends.

Gary.

Norman is over there.

Oh, I thought that was him.

The services will start very soon, so don't be too long.

Oh, okay.

That won't be a problem.

You know, I've never... I

should pay my respects, but I've never...

Seen a dead guy before.

I'm kind of scared.

Will you guys go with me?

No.

Thanks.

You know, Norman, I don't like a guy who wears this much makeup this early in

the evening.

Hey, Norman.

You know, Norman, I'm really sorry about telling all those jokes and making you

laugh and everything, really.

If I'd known you were going to laugh that hard at the breast joke, I wouldn't

have told it. I would have told some jokes about fishing or something.

I'm really sorry. That's all in hindsight now, Norman. I just feel

mean you know other jokes?

Was that a dead guy just talking to me?

Really, is my hair standing out straight?

Be honest with me. And if it is, how does it look? Does it look better this

Yeah. Oh, come on. Tell me the fishing jokes.

Well, Norman, you know, I quit performing.

please, or I'll tell God what you did on prom night.

Oh, he's got me there.

Well, Norman, you know, you know, I used to go fishing

with my friends, and we

were always, we'd go, we didn't know how to fish, you know, and we're traveling

too fast in the boat. We're going like 40 miles an hour.

And I look back, And the worm is water skiing.

You know, the worm's on one hook doing tricks, you know. We're not catching a

darn thing.

So this other fisherman comes up to us and says, hey, you know, you should go

the end of the lake. The fish are spawning.

So I'm figuring, great, you know, we'll be pulling them out two at a time.

You know, I'll get them right when they're doing it.

You see what I'm saying? I don't want to bother fish while they're spawning. I

don't want to be making love and someone dangles pizza over the bed.

You know, and you're going, honey, just a minute, there's pizza up there.

So then I go to this trout farm, right? You know these places, Norman?

You know these places where they, like, it's a private lake and they don't feed

the fish for like two years?

And you take ten bucks and you go in there and fish are coming out on land

looking for food, you know?

I mean, Norman, you can just go, I got a bat.

I was using a Kenny's Lover. What were you using?

I used to go hunting with my dad. My dad wouldn't use a gun or a rifle.

We just used to take a Buick down to a deer crossing and wait.

He had a scope on the dashboard of the car, Norman. See one hit him?

Never have guns around the house. One time someone broke into the house. My

yelled, get the Volkswagen. There's a burglar in the house.

I don't know, Norman. I've been having a lot of trouble with my social life

lately.

Last girl I made love to, I said, was it good for you? She said, you know, I

don't think this is good for anybody.

You can call her on if you like, but I'm pretty sure about this, Gary.

I really hate when women talk, but I was making love to this one woman, and she

was talking to the point where I had to say, hey, hang up the phone and pay a

little attention.

I don't know, Norman.

Nice jacket. They should put expiration dates on clothing so people know when

they go out of style.

Norman, that was just a joke.

Norman, look. Norman?

Norman. Gary, one last request, please.

Hey, anything you want, Norman? You're the best audience I ever had.

Can I play my harp over the closing credits while you dance with my wife,

You got it, pal.

We're both feeling great.

Well, that's our sh... Well, that's our sh...

Well, that's our show.

That's right, we have a lot of cameramen and, uh... We pay them a lot of... lot

of money, and I say let's keep them all on their toes.

Well, I think that I'm going to do comedy again. I feel great. You know, if

can make it... Are you happy? Really? Yeah.

You know, if you can make a dead guy laugh, you can make anybody laugh.

I think that's an old comedian saying.

And I hope you had a good time, and...

You know, that's our show for tonight, and I'll see you next week, God willing.

Take it home, Norman.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Shandling's show.