Original subtitles

Thank you. Well, welcome to the show.

And... Really, and I want to thank you at home for just not flipping around

you probably do when you're sitting home and putting something else on. And I

want to thank you here in the studio audience for not attempting to boost

other up and change the monitor to another thing.

Anyway.

That's right.

I'm pretty happy. I...

I could probably stand here the whole half hour and just smile if you want to

know the truth.

But you're probably fed up with it already, so... I'm a new man. I haven't

this happy in a long time. I've turned my frown upside down, and I'm the model

for the... Guess what?

That's right.

The new Have a Nice Day poster.

Because you know why?

They're putting lips on that poster.

I have pretty big lips. I actually can't fly. These babies will explode over 20

,000 feet.

No, seriously, it's a horrible, horrible problem. I'll be flying, suddenly

they'll puff up, and it looks like a raft, and people start to panic. They

we're going down, we're going down, you know? And I go, no, it's my lips. Give

them back to me, would you please?

So you're probably wondering what sends me into one of these incredible moods.

Well,

It's all in this video cassette that I'm going to show you. And you'll

understand exactly why I'm so happy when you see this.

Pretty excited?

So let's get ready to watch TV. So you folks at home, turn on your TV sets

now.

There you go. And I'll tell you what, I'll get ready.

To watch TV, I'll prepare in the way that I do, because we have 41 seconds,

while we all listen to the opening theme. And I'll see you in 41 seconds.

Okay. Bye -bye.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Let me just finish this up here.

You really don't realize how much you lose right off the ends of the tube.

So,

okay.

Now we'll turn our lights off.

There we go. And you at home, turn your lights off.

Okay.

Someone at home has their lights on.

Turn your lights off at home.

There you go.

There you go. That was it. Thank you, Mr.

Philip Roderick of Syracuse, New York.

Thank you very, very much, Mr. I don't even pull the window shade down on the

airplane when there's a movie.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you for participating in the show.

Thank you for holding the whole thing up. Thank you, really. Why don't you

get the weather channel?

Okay, now, here we go. This is going to be very exciting. I can't wait for you

to see this, and you'll understand why this is a special day.

All right, we're going to need our next guest.

He's originally from Tucson, Arizona.

He doesn't like women who are pretty and know it and use it to hurt him.

He's a wonderful comedian. He says he looks like Gary Shandling, and sure

enough, he does. It's Gary Shandling.

Let's say hello.

Welcome to the show.

Have a seat.

Hey, nice to meet you. You know, I'm kind of surprised to see you here.

Life of a successful comedian, you're bound to have a lot of beautiful women

kind of falling in love with you after every show. Yeah, well, that's what I

thought when I started this business, quite frankly. Well, no, really. Now,

don't you see a lot of women? Don't they see your act that they find you

attractive? Well, let's just play the love connection.

You don't want to get into that?

All right, I'll tell you what.

Why don't we take a look at the girls that Gary had to choose from, and then

studio audience will get a chance for their choice for Gary, okay? Here we go.

The first candidate was Vicki, whose interests range from water sports to

stargazing. She feels that spending so much time around horses has actually

helped her on a few dates. Here's more.

Well, anybody who's spent any, you know, real time around horses knows that they

can be stubborn or that they can kick and bite if they don't get their own

but...

I think that if you don't give in and you just grab them by the forelock and

them know who's boss, who's king, right from the beginning, then eventually

they'll just start eating out of your hands.

Of course, guys are exactly the same way.

Next we have Francine. Now, Francine hails from our nation's capital.

She got her law degree at Georgetown University. She likes to describe

as a woman of the 90s. Here's more on that.

The way I see it,

By 1990, I will have enough money to not have to work for that whole decade.

Because both my aged grandparents should be dead and buried, and I'll get all

their money.

Isn't that what it's all about?

Well, next we have Angelica. Now, when she's not modeling, Angelica spends most

of her time helping those less fortunate than herself.

She has the same compassion and understanding for the men she dates.

Nobody's perfect.

You have to look for the goodness inside of people.

Like, on the surface, a man could be vain, insecure, indecisive, or maybe

little whiny.

But I don't care about that.

Underneath, he could very well be the greatest man that ever lived.

and you know a little bit about him. You've seen his three choices. Now

going to tell us who he picked. Well, I would have been nuts not to pick

Angelica. All right, she's backstage.

We haven't seen each other since their date. Let's say hello to Angelica Sim.

Hi, Angelica.

Hi, Scott.

Just make yourself at home and welcome to the show.

Thank you. Okay, Gary's going to tell me about the date. Tell me about the date.

Well, it went great, Chuck. I'd never been so nervous for a date in my life.

as I was driving to pick her up, I started to drool and it went all over

dash and everything like that. It's like a slip and slide in the car, basically.

A very attractive beginning.

Oh, no, no, Chuck.

Yeah? It was really, it was adorable.

Because Jerry looks like a little boy when he gets self -conscious.

He does?

Yeah. Well, in what way?

Well, um...

His nostrils flare up just a bit, and his cheeks turn red.

And my sinuses clog up a little bit. And his nose starts to make this whistling

sound like a flute.

Well, it's more like a teapot, just a little. Yeah, yeah, you're right. It's

more like a teapot.

Well, that sounds charming. Oh, how about the actual date? Can you tell me

happened on the date? Well, the date went really great. We went to a really

restaurant. You know, I carried the tray.

Somebody got to, I guess. Yeah. And then we went to see the movie The

Untouchables. Oh, that's nice. And Gary cried when Sean Connery died. He did? He

cried?

there were these rude people sitting behind us. They were making fun of Gary

because I guess they're just not used to seeing a man who's not afraid to show

his real emotions.

Sounds like a great time, though. Oh, yeah, it was. We had a great time. Any

romance on this date?

Well... You tell him. No. Oh, you go ahead. A little bit.

Yeah, there was a little bit of romance.

I beg your pardon?

It was a little bit from me. Well, just tell me a little about it. Well, I

welded the car door shut.

And then... It's a little technique I used.

And then when she saw the welder's mask, she got a little scared at first, and I

flipped it off, and then I kissed her.

Okay. All right. Let's take a look and see our audience picture.

Oh,

Angelica, 85%.

Well, if you'd like to go out with Angelica again, of course, we'll pay for

Is that all right with you, Angelica? Come on out and join us. Great.

Well, that's great. Have a seat there and just make yourself at home.

You two suppose you'll be going out on a second date together?

I guess that's all the time we have for today. I'm Chuck Worley. I hope all your

dates go as well as this one. It looks like we made a perfect match here. Maybe

one of the best.

See you tomorrow on Love Connection. Bye -bye.

Well, pretty exciting, don't you think?

Turn my lights back on.

Well, I couldn't be more excited. Normally, I don't even watch shows like

but I'm ready to go on The Price is Right now, you know what I mean?

So without any further ado, I think you'll understand now why I'm smiling. I

want you to meet my...

Well, what shall I call her?

She's a friend and she's a girl. She's my new friend girl.

Angelica.

Hi,

Gare. Did you hear that? She called me Gare. I love that. It saves so much

Oh, Gary, you've lowered your rope.

Are you sure we're ready for this?

Yeah.

I'm positive.

This is the rope that I use to summon all my friends when I think I've met the

girl that I'm really going to get serious about.

I used to just send up some white smoke in the fireplace, but they thought then

that I was just dating the new pope.

Here they come.

Bye, everybody.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

The girl from the love connection.

Angelica, I liked her. I voted for you.

Oh, you must be Grant. Yeah. It's such a pleasure to finally be able to place

your faces with your names. Gary told me all about you.

Grant, Jackie, Pete, you sell Hush Puppies, right?

That's right. God has been very good to me. They are good shoes.

A trend in the 50s, but they stood the test of time by bouncing back after

years of campus unrest in the early 70s to become a staple in American footwear.

Is she great or what?

Jackie, Jackie, this girl is different from all the others. Yeah, she can

actually talk in sentences.

I want to congratulate you, Mrs. Shambling. You raised a wonderful son.

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

Well, Bubba, she's wonderful.

And her hips are perfect for childbearing.

As were yours, Mom.

Really, my birth was a cakewalk. It was like a log flume ride. Really.

I got a little wet, but I wanted to go on again.

Excuse me, just a second.

So nice to see you all.

What? What? Gary, do you think they liked me?

Oh, yeah. I think they love you.

Really. I think they're going to be very interested to see how our relationship

progresses over the next few weeks. Do you really think so? Yeah. I think it's

going to be wonderful television.

You know, I'm glad to see Uncle Gary involved in a healthy relationship for a

change.

That's very wise, son. Very wise.

Gary, as long as we're being honest with each other,

I think I should tell you, I was never really homecoming queen.

Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, I was.

I think it's maybe on the rocks.

Dame Rumor has it they had some sort of fight last night.

Dame Rumor?

Gary, stop crying.

It was a playful laugh.

And how come it's all purple and swollen?

Oh, Leonard, Leonard, the fighters own you. They made up.

Well, was it good for you?

I don't think that was good for anybody, Gary.

Well, it's only been three weeks, but I really think they're getting serious.

Okay.

This is the key for the front door. Thank you, Gary.

This is the key for my bowling bag.

And these are the keys for my diaries.

Thank you, Gary.

Oh, Gary, these last few weeks have been so great for me. I know. For me, too.

I just wish we could be alone now.

I've got to roast in the oven. I've got to go.

I've got to roast in the oven.

Goodbye. Goodbye, Gary. I've got to go, Gary. I'll see you later. Bye.

See you, Gary. Bye. Bye. Roast, Pete.

Hot roast. Oh, good luck.

Hello, Gary.

I was thinking, our relationship is going really well, don't you think? Oh,

yeah, I think it's going great.

And I have...

Used my apartment in such a long time, I was wondering if it was really worth

keeping.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right back.

Okay. And we'll talk about it. All right.

You know, it would be great to live with Angelica. I think she's great. But, you

know, this is a show about a single guy. So you know something's going to go

haywire somewhere along the line. It's like, you know...

It's like those Bonanza episodes.

Remember, Hoss was going to get married, and then the day before the wedding,

boom, a wagon wheel would hit the girl.

And Hoss would cry for, like, days and days.

But then everything would be okay.

I'm going to go to the beach now. You know, Sherman Oaks is really ten miles

from the ocean, unless you know this shortcut through this Christmas tree

like seven feet.

Oh.

Hey, Nance.

Hi, Gary.

Hey.

How you doing?

Fine. Just wanted to talk to you for a second. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, you know.

Oh, Angelica.

She's crazy about you, Gary. Yeah, she is, isn't she? I think she's great.

Honestly, I don't think you should let her get away.

She's smart, she's funny, she's real attractive. She's everything you ever

wanted. Yeah.

What's the problem?

Oh.

Did you tell her those special things you do that scare the other girls away?

Well, you know... Oh, wait. Did you tell her you wear a hairnet to bed?

No, I didn't tell her that.

You didn't tell her that when you go to the bathroom, you like to read the phone

book? Well, I told her the yellow paper, but... And she still likes you? Yeah.

What's the problem? I tell you what the problem is.

Gary's afraid.

Oh, no, it's the goddess of commitment.

Yeah, but, uh... Oh, Gary, go to her. I don't want to talk to her. No, come on,

Gary. She's a very wise, wise and sexy goddess.

I know.

Hello, goddess.

Hello, Gary. Oh, nice to see you again. What is your excuse this time? Well,

goddess, come on. You know, the last time you told me to commit to a woman,

moved in and it didn't work out at all.

Well, perhaps I was too hasty. I didn't realize that you weren't ready yet for a

mature relationship.

After all, you were only 35.

Well, yeah, but you know, I mean, that breaking up was so difficult. I just

don't want to go through that again.

My dear darling, Gary, what's the difference with breaking up a love

I had dozens.

Hundreds, wasn't it? No, just dozens.

And didn't you feel bad when you broke up? Of course I did. But after a little

while, I fell in love again, and then everything is just wonderful.

Really? Yes.

You've given me a lot to think about, goddess.

Well, your problem is you think too much and you commit too little.

Well, all right, all right. Say, can I ask you one other thing?

When you kiss a woman, does she like it? I must go. I have a roast in the oven.

Why does everybody have a roast in the oven?

Is there some sort of meat festival? I don't know.

Well, I'm going to go back there and talk to Angelica. It's getting late.

God I know this shortcut through this.

Oh, I'm lost.

That's really the prop for us. That's where they cut Dura Flame logs.

Well, wish me luck.

Hi, Angelica.

Hi, honey. Sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

So... So, I was just wondering, you know, you were talking about moving out

your apartment?

Yes.

Where were you thinking of moving? Any place in particular?

Well, um...

Gary, I wanted to be closer to you, so I was thinking maybe I could move into

the motel across the street.

Well, that's a nice place, I guess.

I was thinking of you moving even a little closer.

Really? Yeah.

What about in here?

Well, um... No, that's okay. You don't have to. The motel's really nice if

you're uncomfortable.

I don't want to force you. No.

That would be... I love you, Gary.

I love you, Angelica.

Let's go get my stuff right now.

Okay. Wow.

I have a live -in friend girl.

Boy, I was sure this show would have, you know, killed her off by now.

I guess this just proves that real life romance isn't like a bonanza episode

after all.

Hope you enjoyed it, Gary Chandling Show.