Original subtitles

I know you're, gee, just all keyed up for a show and all. But, you know, I

to, before we move on to the show itself, I have some very important

announcements that I have to read. And please, please bear with me.

All right. These are half glasses. I know they look silly. I actually have

contact lenses, but.

I feel very vain when I wear them. So, firstly, this is very important. I want

to remind the studio audience that the taking of flash pictures is strictly

prohibited.

We had a really serious little accident last week. A flashbulb went off, scared

Leonard Smith, and he ran up into the first row and mauled a couple of kids.

please, I know you want pictures. Just try and remember what's going on and

recall that, would you please? Because we don't want to replay that ugly, ugly

incident.

Secondly, please do not feed the actors.

They're fed a very special diet, which keeps them funny.

And this candy and junk food you're throwing them is really slowing them

and they're starting to do drama.

Also, you probably heard, this is very important, please, when new actors come

onto the stage, please don't start stomping in the stands because they

last week and it looked like a soccer tragedy. So please.

called back.

Thirdly, or fourthly, you should all know that our Name the Schumacher Baby

contest is in full swing.

And here's our announcer, Dick Tufeld, to tell you all about it. Dick? Right,

Gary. Send your entries to Name the Schumacher Baby in care of its Gary

Shandling show.

Post office box 6010, department 849, Sherman Oaks, California, 91413.

Thank you, Dick. And, uh...

With that, we can just... And now, back to you, Gary!

Thank you, Dick.

Dick is just hired on a show -to -show basis.

Well, now we can move right on with the show. So let's get going.

Well, hi. Welcome to the show.

Glad you're here. Yeah.

Welcome. Thank you.

I know you're all keyed up for a show.

But I really can't stay. I'm actually off to the post office to pick up a

package. I think it's another book from my book club.

And... That's right, I read. What, is that so startling? I happen to

think there's a lot more to life than just watching television.

You can read about it, too.

Did you know that? That's why I belong to the Television Biography Book of the

Month Club.

The TVBBO TMC.

I'm sure you've heard of it.

And let's take a look.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show.

Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the Gary

show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary's Sandling show.

This is my favorite one. This is Desi, a book.

And, you know, they're making a movie out of this, and it's going to be called

Desi, a book.

Hi, Gary.

Oh, hi, Nance.

You're just in time. I was trying to get some laughs off of my shelf. Oh, it's a

good thing we showed up.

I want you to meet my old friend, Richard Kimball. Hi.

How you doing?

Nice to meet you. Yeah.

Richard Kimball, that name sounds familiar. Have we met?

Oh, here it comes again, Nance.

Richard always caught it from the kids at school because, of course, his name

just like David Jantz's character in The Fugitive. Oh, that's right.

You're not going to give me a hard time, too, are you? Oh, no, no. That was just

a TV show. I can certainly separate fiction from reality.

Well... Well, most of the time.

Well, some of the time.

Well, I never really could separate it. You know, they're both in color.

Reality always comes in a little fuzzier for me, quite frankly.

Well, it's really nice to meet you. I mean, you know, I really enjoy your

Oh, thank... You know, it's nice to meet somebody who's actually seen it, quite

frankly.

What do you do?

I'm a veterinarian.

Oh, that's... Oh, wow, so you get to see animals naked any time you want. That

is so cool.

God, what that must be like. Yeah, but, Gary, you know, that leaves nothing to

the imagination.

You know what I mean? Well, you know, I never thought of it that way. Yeah,

that's why I like to leave, like, maybe a small collar on that I can work off

slowly. I like, like, a little bell.

Oh, I love those bells. Oh, especially at the holiday time. Are they a turn on

or what?

Or I like, like, those sweater vests, you know, but open.

Oh, maybe just at the top. One button that they wear. I knew you guys were

to get along.

Oh, he's great.

You know, Richard and I haven't seen each other in, what, years?

Yeah, you know, I was just passing through, and I hadn't seen Nancy, and I

decided to look her up. Well, I'm really glad you did. Me too.

Huh? Oh, Brownie.

That's Brownie. Oh, it's a bird that lives in Gary's tree.

Yeah.

You know, he keeps flying into the glass.

Are you all right? You know, I should put the feeder on the outside.

I don't know. Is he all right? He looks a little, he's a little stunned. Do you

have an eyedropper?

An eyedropper?

Yeah, I think so. Oh, wait.

Yeah. Here.

Thanks. Yeah, okay.

Easy does it now, Brownie. Tongue depressor?

Okay. There we go.

Yeah, that's all right, Brownie. Yeah, let's see if he can fly, all right? Oh,

really appreciate this.

Brownie helped me write the theme song.

Brownie just bought the old heckle and jackal place.

It's really... Sorry.

It's right next to where Tweety Bird lives. And I guess the... Oh, man, I'm

starting to feel really light. Why, what's the matter? I don't know. I feel

a dissolve coming on. Oh, oh, oh.

No problem. No, it happens all the time. Yeah, you guys better get back.

I feel... I feel light. I feel... pretty.

Man, I wish I knew where I was going.

See you later.

See you, guys.

Hey, all right, I'm at the post office.

Nice dissolve.

This is good because now I can get my package.

That was a great dissolve. I still feel a little tingly.

And, uh...

I feel pretty. I still feel pretty.

Say, oh, it's Dick Tufeld, our announcer. Hi, Dick. Hey, Gary, how are

Great. What are you doing here? I'm mailing in my entry for the Name the

Schumacher Baby contest.

Is this a great name or what?

Look, I just thought of it in here. You just thought of it in here. Mr. Zip

Schumacher. Is that great? Good name. Thank you. Good name. Thank you.

You're welcome. Thank you. Nice to see you in this scene.

Thank you.

probably a lot of good names you could find for babies in a post office.

There's, hey,

the new postal long life vehicle.

What better way to say I love you to your new baby?

How about Wanted?

Wanted's a nice name for a girl.

I wouldn't name a boy Wanted.

Kind of a weird thing going on there.

And maybe

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Do you see what I see?

Well, you're too far back. Come in here.

Come closer.

Look, right here. Come here.

Closer. A little closer.

Now you're too close. Back up. My God, get some half glasses.

You know, look at this. Wanted for murder, Richard Kimball.

Alias is Rick Kimball, Richie Kimball, Ricardo Kimball, M .D., Ricky Kimball,

Rick B.

Kimball.

Rick, be quick. Rick, jump over the candlestick.

You know, these look like his fingerprints.

Is it possible?

Could Nancy's friend be a fugitive?

You mean the fugitive? An innocent victim of blind justice, falsely accused

the murder of his wife, reprieved by fate.

When a train wrecked freedom en route to the death house? Yes.

Freedom to hide and run in lonely desperation?

To change his identity?

The toil of many jobs?

Freedom to search for a one -armed man he saw leave the scene of the crime?

Yes. Freedom to run before the relentless pursuit of the police

obsessed with his capture?

Yes. That's what it is!

My God.

Thank you, Dick.

I have to talk to Nancy because if this is true... Excuse me.

Excuse me, I'm just trying to talk to the camera.

If this is true, Nancy's friend is a murderer.

Could I have some Lincoln stamps, please?

Lincoln? Do you mean Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States,

falsely accused of dividing a country as the unreal splinter from Illinois?

I can't thank you enough for saving my Goldie's life.

She's a rare spirit, you know.

I'm eternally grateful to you.

Anytime, Leonard.

Gare, Nancy's friend is great.

Oh, Gary, everybody just loves Richard.

Well, first he helped Leonard with his overfed goldfish, and now he's looking

Grant's ant farm.

Yeah, my dad tipped it over.

Tipped it over? I was playing with it, son.

Hey, you were torturing him.

There you go, Grant.

They'll be fine. Just don't let any of them lift more than three times his body

weight until Thursday.

Doc, you're funny.

Let's go, son.

Aunt Nancy, can you take this to the car? I think they've suffered enough.

Can I talk to you for a second? Bye, Uncle Gary. See you, Gary.

Terrific guy.

So,

Gary, where'd you go?

Oh, I was just over at the post office.

Oh, is that right? Yeah.

Yeah.

Ricardo.

Richard. Richard.

Rick B. Kimball. Paging Dr. Rick B.

Kimball.

If you'd excuse me, Gary, I'm going to wash my hands. Oh, sure.

Can I talk to you for a second? Oh, yeah, he's great. That's what you were

to say. I'll have you know that I was just in the post office, saw his face on

wanted poster. That guy's wanted for murder.

Gary, you really are having trouble separating fiction from reality. Oh,

no. Now, listen to me.

Richard Kimball was on a television series. That was The Fugitive. Now, this

Richard Kimball is my old friend. I know this. That's reality. This is weird.

I'm telling you.

Gary, honestly.

I'm afraid that Gary is right.

I am wanted by the police.

They think I murdered my wife.

Richard, what do you think?

We had had a fight.

I went out for a drive.

When I came back, I saw a one -armed man leaving my house.

I went inside, and I found my wife brutally murdered.

Oh, that's a bummer, man.

Richard, that's just terrible.

Yeah.

Who is it?

Police Lieutenant Gerard.

Gerard is the man who's been chasing me.

Well, he's not going to catch you. Gary, we'll hide you in the bedroom. Come on.

No, no. Gary, he's my... No, I don't want you two to get involved. I'll make

run for it. I've got to find the man who murdered my wife. All right.

Just don't go in the bedroom.

Richard, just go in the bedroom.

Jesus, that's the first time I've ever said that to a man. I swear.

I swear.

Open up. All right.

Coming.

Hi.

Lieutenant Gerard.

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm looking for a fugitive, Richard Kimball.

Gee, I haven't seen anything. Name doesn't sound familiar.

Mm -hmm.

Is he dangerous?

Very. Mind if I look around?

Uh, no. Help yourself. There's nothing really going on.

Say. What's that?

That's a veterinarian's bag.

And that we're looking for is a vet.

Oh, well, that's my bag. Your bag? Yeah.

What are you doing with this?

What, is there a law against collecting beautiful things?

This is for giving rectal examinations to small animals.

Right. That's right.

I happen to have a wide variety of interests.

Also, I have a ham radio set, too.

You ever talk to Japan?

It's fun.

No.

What's in the bedroom? Don't go in there.

Oh, hi.

Oh, hi.

Gary, are you going to be much longer?

No, I'll be... Don't start without me. I'll be coming right in.

Oh, I want bunny lips.

Oh, don't forget the bag.

I won't. I'll be right in my little cookie jar.

Hey, this is a little strange.

What's that?

Everyone knows that Nancy is just your platonic friend.

Well... You know, there's platonic, and then there's... Platonic. You know what

I mean.

Yeah.

I'm going to check the rest of the complex, but I want you to know one

I'm going to keep my eye on this place.

Bunny lips.

Well, if I see anything, I'll let you know.

Okay, he's gone.

Oh, Gary, you were great.

Yeah, you were great, Gary, but I know Gerard, and he will be back.

Yeah, now listen, we've got to get Richard to Mexico.

You see, the only way I can clear myself is to find the one -armed man who

killed my wife, and he was last seen in Tijuana.

Well, this is nothing personal. I think you're a great guy, and I know he's a

friend of yours, but we're not transporting a fugitive across the

could go to jail for that, so... Gary, you are such a wimp.

Yes. Yes, I am.

But I'm a free... I'm a free wimp. I'm not in jail. And I'd like to keep it

way. Gary.

Gary, this is my friend, and I believe in him.

Just imagine how bad you would feel putting an innocent man in jail.

Yes, think about it. No, I don't want to. Think about it. No.

Think. No, I'm not going to. No. No. No. No. Thinking.

No. Thinking.

Thinking. Just for a second.

Hold it, Kendall.

I'm sorry, your affair already left.

Come on.

How's the danger?

Well, for the first time, I feel I'm really close to something.

It had to happen someday.

He knew that.

I'm sorry.

He just ran out of time.

Okay, let's see you come up with a joke for this clip.

You know, granted, the real Richard Kimball isn't as dashing as the TV

Kimball, but I don't think that's any reason to let him get caught, do you?

No, this isn't a world based on looks. I say we draw the line right here. I'm

going to help him, all right?

All right, I happen to know that there's a shipment of camera equipment leaving

from the south side of the studio, headed for Mexico. If we can get them on

truck, we're home free. All right? Kimball, we know you're in there.

Leonard Smith tipped us off. Oh, Leonard Smith, what a weasel. You got 30

seconds, Kimball, or we're coming in there.

Huh, Gerard's got us trapped.

Oh, no, he doesn't. He thinks he's so smart he's waiting at the door when

there's not even a wall on this whole side of the apartment.

to the south side of the studio. Gary, do you want the south side, the wrong

side of the track? The side forced into economic depression?

The side forced to cater to undesirables? That south side?

Lieutenant Gerard, which way they go? Hi, I'm Dick Tufel. Oh, forget it.

Gary, Gary, that's Grant back there smoking.

Aren't you going to say something?

I don't know. He looks cool.

Come on, we'll take my car.

Mr. Shanley, good to recognize you, sir. That's okay, Bentley.

Have a nice drive. Thank you. I fixed your seat so it's the only one that

vibrates. Perfect.

But, Gary, this is a stupid car.

And it's parked in a stupid place. Then why don't we take your car? Yeah, come

on, let's go.

Keep going.

Have you seen Shanley?

Maybe I have.

Maybe I haven't.

Thanks for helping me out. Hey, Richard, good luck finding the one -armed man.

Really. You know... I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry. This must

have... I've been working out. Really.

Gary! Gary! Wait, I got it right in here. Richard is the one -armed man.

So now you know.

But it doesn't matter because I'm on my way to Mexico. Hold it, Kimball.

I'm sorry. Affair already left.

the first time I thought I was going to get away.

It had to happen someday.

You knew it.

I'm sorry.

You just ran out of time.

Boy, this is coming in a lot clearer than my flashback.

Boy, we are really disappointed in you, Richard.

Don't feel too bad. Kimball's been fooling people for years. Let's go,

I'm sorry, Nancy.

Sorry, Gary.

Do you believe that?

Boy, you must feel really weird buying your friend's story hook, line, and

sinker like that. Oh, me buying what? And you didn't?

No, I didn't believe it from the start.

When he wouldn't arm wrestle me, I knew something was up right from the start.

And then he started talking about those bells on the animal's neck. I said, man,

we're dealing with a sick individual here.

And he shoots my brownie.

Shoots my car.

Juan, sorry, Gary.

You know, I appreciate you believing in him and helping me out with my friend

and everything. And, you know, believe me, I'd do the same for you.

Yeah, well, when Pete Schumacher kills Jackie, we'll come running right over to

your place.

Wilson, I could help you fix that flat. Would you mind?

No, it's fine.

Oh, thanks. I'll get the wheels right in here.

And I hope you folks enjoyed tonight's show and enjoy these television

these parodies that we do of shows that are 20 years old.

And we'll see you all next week.

Okay? All right. Good night, everybody.