Original subtitles

I don't want to applaud that much, really. The people at home will think

watching something else.

Nice to see you, really.

This is a very special show we have tonight. This is a show where I'm

going to try and talk my mother into going on a date with my doctor.

Well, Barry, our cameraman over there thinks that's a great idea, and that's

basically how we judge what we want to do each week.

So I'm going to try and fix my mother up with a doctor, which is not easy. You

know, my father passed away. My mother hasn't been dating much lately.

And you don't really think of your mother as anything but your mom. You

Mother's Day is coming up, and I wanted to buy my mother cologne, you know.

And I was at the counter at May Company there. And you don't know what kind of

cologne to buy your mother. I mean, you can't buy your mother a cologne that's

designed to drive a man wild, you know.

It's your mother. You know, I'm at the counter going, well.

You know, she vacuums. Do you have anything?

Does Hoover make a cologne?

So she's coming. We're going to have dinner.

And thank God I don't have to go over there. My mother has a bowl of wax fruit

on the coffee table. Does your mom have that? What is that for? In case some

mannequins come over?

Who eats this stuff? I mean, seriously, think about it. I don't want any more

wax fruit, Mom. I had some candles, and I'm full. Really.

little paraffin later on.

And now, when you're a little kid and your mother, moms and dads are very

different about this. My mom used to put the food on the fork when I was a

little boy and go, you know, this is the airplane, your mouth is the hanger.

Remember that? Open up, here comes the plane, right?

Dad would take the fork, a little different technique. Dad would take the

and go, this is your mouth, this is your rear end, make a decision right now.

Well, bear with me here because this is my first time matchmaking, okay?

All right.

Well, hi, Mom. Hi, Bubba.

Well,

I have fixed us the best homemade meal ever.

We got quarter -pound burgers and French fries and medium shakes.

Oh, this is great. You know, by the way, this is not takeout food. My mom

actually cooks like a fast food restaurant.

When we were kids, we used to just drive by the front window and yell out the

orders.

What? Oh, wait. And look, she even makes her own plastic spoons and knives. Is

this new mold, Mom?

Yeah. Very nice.

Oh, gee, according to Tommy and the piano, it looks like it's time to play

opening theme. So we'll see you in 41 seconds, okay? Go ahead and hit it,

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary's Sandling show.

Thanks, Mom. I always enjoy when you make dinner. It's really the next best

thing to breastfeeding, you know? I mean, I remember when you stopped. It

tragic day. Baba, Baba.

What? I never actually saw a woman push a baby away. Baba, you swore to me that

you were over that. Well, you know, you never really get completely over that,

Mom. I mean, I don't think anybody does.

Really, I mean, some days are better than others. It's all right.

The mornings are particularly rough.

Really, you wake up, there's nothing there.

You got to go to the refrigerator. It's just not the same.

Mom, you look very nice.

What have you been doing for fun lately?

Oh, for fun?

That's the same old thing. The girls and I go out and ring doorbells and then we

run away.

Well, that sounds like... I guess that takes up Saturday morning, but... What

you do in the evenings? I mean...

Are you dating? You're really serious now, aren't you? I want to know if

seeing anybody. Have you seen any men?

Well, Bubba, I have to tell you something.

Men are all alike.

I'm sorry, dear. I'm sorry.

A guy picks you up, a guy takes you out, a guy tries to get you drunk, a guy

takes you home, and a guy tries to get in your pants.

Oh, that's the order.

That's so the drunk thing comes before the pants.

That is going to make it so much easier, I think. I'll make you listen. You

won't forget.

I will.

Mom, listen.

I know a man, all right?

Oh. Very nice man. Baba.

Baba, I know what you're trying to tell me. Oh, my darling, you are gay.

No,

you do this every time.

No, let me finish the sentence. I know a man who is very nice that I think you

should go out with. I'd like to fix you up with him.

Really? I think it's time.

No kidding?

Yep.

Well, who is it?

Well, it's Dr. Derwin, my internist. He's a wonderful man. He's bright. He's

smart. He's... Haven't I heard you speak of him before? Yes.

He's been widowed for about three years.

Wait, I have a picture of him here.

It looks a lot like Burt Park.

Oh, wait, that is Burt Park.

Oh, God, they're almost all Burkhart.

Here, that's Dr. Gerling.

Oh, well, now, he looks very nice.

Oh, Bob, I just can't. Oh, come on, Mom, this guy's a gentleman, not like those

other guys you're talking about. Really, I've known him for, like, 20 years.

Uh, well, I'm not sure.

Oh, Mom, he's a wonderful dancer. I know he liked the dance. We could all...

And you love to dance.

Well, yeah, but it has been a long time since, you know, since I've been out

dancing. So why don't we go dancing? I'll get the Schumacher's and Nancy and

I'll make all the arrangements and we'll go. And you'll come with me?

Yes.

Won't that be great?

Ah, yes. All right. All right, Mom. This is going to be fun.

All right. You know... According to Tommy, we've got to close up this scene

move on to the date.

Oh, well, I'll just...

I'll just put this in the icebox, because I understand.

All right, great.

Come on.

Well, here we are at the Moondust Ballroom, boys.

Did you see that mirror ball? Boy, you know how tough it is to comb your hair

that thing?

Really, I've tried it, and you've just got to run around it. You see 500 images

of yourself.

It's confusing. You know what's good? A champagne bucket. You can comb your hair

in it just to get the right angle. And look, you see this parquet wood floor?

Are you getting a shot of that?

Well, I'll bet the Boston Celtics used to dance here.

Well, all right.

way, we salute WJJX in Boston.

Hello, Fenway Park.

We're just saluting WJJX.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, isn't this a nice place? Oh, it's great, Gary. You know, I've never been

to a club with big band music before.

Yeah, and it is a big band, isn't it?

Boy, you know, evidently...

Evidently, this is the first time this band's worked together, judging from the

way they move.

Boy, this is our kind of music.

Pete performed today.

Let's cut a run.

Pennsylvania 65000.

See you later, alligator.

Boy,

how many of you think Pete and Jackie are pod people from outer space?

Well.

Bubba tells me you are an internist.

Oh, well, that is so interesting.

Yes, well, as a matter of fact, only this morning I removed two feet of

intestinal tract from a congested lower bowel.

Uh, you don't say.

Well, uh, of course, uh, I don't really know very much about bowels.

Unless they're Gary's, of course.

I am no stranger to Gary's balls.

I wrote an article for the New England Journal of Medicine on just that very

phenomenon. We're up for an award.

Congratulations. Oh, thanks. You know, it's the first time the picture really

looks like me.

You know, Ruth, we seem to have an awful lot to talk about. Would you care to

continue this conversation on the dance floor?

Well, yes, I'd love to. Thank you very much.

Hey, have a great time.

You know what? I think they really like it. Why are you moving? I'm talking to

you, not the audience. I think they're really hitting it off.

Yeah. This is great.

I'm so happy.

Let's dance.

Oh, no.

Really? Gary, you invited me out to go dancing, and you don't want to dance?

Well, we could dance, but, you know, I don't really... Gary.

Well, okay.

All right.

Oh, all right. You're coming out this way. I was going out that way.

Both ends are open.

I thought we'd go around.

All right, I don't know.

Okay, are you leading? You're leading.

You're more of a man than I'll ever be. You know this?

You're dipping. Don't you dip. That hurt. You hurt me.

Okay, come on.

I don't know what to do. Well, just do what everyone else is doing.

Oh, I don't think so.

Buy a quick study or what?

Thank you. It was just wonderful.

Angela, I'm telling you, you and my cousin Stuart are going to be a perfect

match. Look, okay, you're a Pisces, and he likes to swim.

I know that's not funny. All right, you're a Pisces, and he's my bait and

man.

How many shots do I get?

All right, 8 o 'clock tomorrow? Great.

I'm telling you, you're going to fall in love with this guy. All right, bye.

There's another one.

Come on, kid.

No, I'm talking about the game.

Well, I'm sorry, Grant. You know, three days have passed since we did the last

scene, so... So?

So, well, your game was... Your baseball game was the day before yesterday,

so... So, wait. Let me see if I get this straight.

You blew off my big scene just so you could establish that you've been playing

matchmaker on the phone for three days. Right.

That's right, three days.

Don't get in a hissy fit.

It just so happens I happen to have fixed you up with your dream girl.

Yeah? That's correct. Who?

Seven o 'clock tomorrow, you and Lisa Bonet. Wow!

Oh, Lisa Bonet? That's right. Oh, that girl's on a real TV show.

like he's ever going to do a nude scene with Mickey Rourke.

Gary, Gary.

Yes? Grant just told me you fixed him up with Lisa Bonet. Have you lost your

mind? What? Okay, Lisa Bonet wasn't my first choice either, but Janet Jackson

was on the road.

He doesn't, you know, you get involved with that family, you know, come on.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Hi, Papa.

Hi, Nance.

Is something wrong, Mrs. Shanley?

No. I don't know.

I'm just so confused.

I don't know what to think. Well, you introduced me to Paul, right? And we

out and we had just this wonderful time.

And then he said, well, he would call me the next day. Right.

Well, I haven't heard from him.

Well, I'm sure there's probably a really good reason.

Oh, come on, Bubba. Oh, no, let's face it, let's face it.

An attractive, eligible man his age. Well, he's not, he doesn't want me.

He's not looking for young duff, you know.

Like her.

Yes, she's right, Gary.

Yes. Move over.

I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure there's a very good reason Dr.

Derwin wouldn't do something like this.

You know, Mrs. Shandling, I once had a very similar experience.

Come over here and tell me about that.

There must be a Joe Franklin joke here somewhere.

and our sorority was having its semi -annual Mexican fiesta night, and I

some margaritas and was talking to one of the mariachis.

Actually, Paco and I got along really well, and the next thing I know, we were

taking a lap around the quad on his burro.

Oh, yeah, we were singing Cielito Lindo at the top of our lago.

I'm sorry, Nan.

Nan, Nan, I'm sorry. Evidently, judging from Tommy, we must be out of time for

this scene.

And we have to move on to the next scene. But that was a wonderful song.

come back again and sing it again another time. Oh, yeah, I like that.

great, and I love the story. Wonderful story. Gee, this is the most fun I've

since Peggy Lee was on the show.

Anyway, you know, I really feel this is all my fault, and I've really got to do

something about it, because I should stop talking.

You know, Tommy, you know, when your mother was having problems, I did

you.

Well, you know, Paul, you really hurt my mother. Yes, I know, Gary, and I feel

just terrible about it, just awful.

See, I'm very attracted to your mother.

As a matter of fact, when we were dancing, I felt stirrings.

I haven't felt in years these urges.

Here, let me show you on the chart.

The thing is, all that night and ever since, I felt as though I were cheating

my late wife, Aretha.

Well, Paul, all you had to do was tell my mother that.

She would have understood that.

Well, this whole subject is difficult for me. As a matter of fact, my

told me that it's going to be at least a year or two before I'll be able to have

another relationship without any guilt.

A year or two?

We can't sit around that long.

All right, you know, let's try this. Let's say it's one year later, and I'm

at Dr.

Derwin's office to see how he feels about dating.

Hi, Gary.

Oh, hi, Paul.

Oh, I like the mustache.

Oh, thank you. Gee, it looks great.

How do you feel about dating now?

Not yet.

I need another year.

Oh, darn.

Well, I'll tell you what. Let's say...

Uh, another year's gone by, and I'm back at Dr. Derwin's office, and I brought

my mother this time. She's in the waiting room because, you know, I'm

thinking positive this time.

Hi, Gary.

Nice to see you. Hi, Paul. Nice to see you. You look thinner or something.

Well, you shaved.

Yeah. Well, it looks great. You look much younger without the mustache.

Thank you. Thank you. Hey, how's that mama yours?

She's still single.

You know, as a matter of fact, she is, Paul. She's in the waiting room right

now. Hey, Mom?

Come on in.

Hello, Ruth.

Hello, Paul.

You look lovely.

Would you like to go out tonight?

Oh, sure.

You don't call me for two years, and now you want to go out.

Well, I'm sorry, Ruth, that I didn't call you, but, you see...

My wife and I were in love for 30 years, and, well, I felt guilty after that

evening we had together.

Oh, Paul.

Paul, don't you know you never forget those people?

My late husband, Phil.

Well, he's always with me.

Just as Aretha will always be with you.

Well, and, uh...

Why don't we all go out tonight, the four of us, and have some fun?

Submit it for your approval.

My mom and Dr.

Derwin, two lonely people who met each other in the twilight of their lives.

Here's the Moondust Ballroom degenerated into a disco.

And look at the latest fashion.

Turtleneck sweaters, Bermuda shorts, black socks and sandals. Who ever

that dressing like your dad would be in?

The next thing you know, we'll be driving to work on a lawnmower.

And look, my mom and Paul.

Isn't it romantic? It was worth the two -year wait.

And, oh, look, here comes little Grant.

Boy, the last two years have been good for him. He's filled out. And, Grant,

you've turned into a very handsome young man.

Yeah, well, thanks, Uncle Gary. Because of that last time stunt, I mean, it's

the last two seasons. Hey, hey, don't go into another hissy fit, huh, Grant?

Well, what happened with me and Lisa Bonet? Well, you broke up about a year

and now you're dating Mary Lou Retton.

Mary Lou Retton? That's right.

Oh, right.

She's really gorgeous.

what the number one disco hit is.

Could you play the most popular song here in the disco?

Hey, sure enough, it's a nugget, because you dug it. It happens to be the planet

that matters. It's number one on the scene. It's the Gary Shandling closing

theme.

Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Shanley. So.