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Thank you. Nice to see you all.
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Nice to see you folks at home. Nice to
see you.
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And, well, this is, we've done a lot of
shows now, and I try and do new jokes
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every week, and I'm out of jokes.
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So I'm going to try, I'm going to do the
first joke, one of the first jokes I
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ever wrote.
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I wrote part of it.
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Have you ever been driving your car and
you see a cow on the side of the road?
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Have you done that?
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Oh, thank God. Well,
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oh,
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I wish I was home watching this right
now.
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You ever seen those people and you see a
cow on the side of the road, people
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stick their head out the car window and
go moo.
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Like they expect that cow to be
thinking, hey, there's a cow driving
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How can he afford that?
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I'm eating grass. This guy's driving a
car.
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Anyway, that's one of my first jokes.
Thank you very much.
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And we have a really exciting show
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tonight. Tonight is the show, and hold
on to your hats, where Nancy comes over
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to watch the boxing matches.
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Okay. Sure.
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Okay, you can let go of your hats now.
And for those of you who don't know
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exactly what boxing is, it's a sport
where, you know, two men put on little
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shorts, oil up, put on gloves, weigh
themselves, and then take their robes
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which is, you know, pretty much where I
lose interest because I don't want to
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see what goes on after that. It's an
ugly thing. I know when I wear little
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shorts and oil up.
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feel good to get applause. It's great to
see you.
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I was just in the middle of my
monologue.
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Oh, good. Well, then, do you mind if I
make a quick call while you're
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Oh, go ahead.
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I was just telling the audience that
when I wear little shorts and oil up, I
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really know there's a good time ahead.
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Oh, hey, Sal.
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Sal, this is Nancy. Listen, do I have
time to get a quick one down?
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Great. Okay.
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First, pre -limit the forum. Right.
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Okay, put a deuce on Esplanado.
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Great. Thanks.
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Sal's her personal chef.
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and she just ordered a second helping of
Planado.
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She has a bookie.
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Are you finished?
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Yeah, I didn't have any jokes for
tonight. You want to box around under
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opening credits?
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Oh, no, not the opening theme again.
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You really hate my opening theme, don't
you? Yeah, I hate it with a passion. It
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makes me feel like I'm on a puppet show.
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That's right, that's right. It's Gary
Doody time.
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You ready?
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Set, go.
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This is the theme to Gary's show.
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The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me
up and asked if I would write his theme
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song. I'm almost halfway through it. How
do you like it so far? How do you like
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the theme to Gary's show?
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This is the theme to Gary's show, the
opening theme to Gary's show. This is
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music that you hear as you watch the
credits.
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We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch the
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Sandlin show.
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This is the theme to Gary's Sandlin
show.
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Stop it!
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Immature or what?
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You know, I have contact lenses, all
right? Oh, boo, boo, boo.
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One more. Okay.
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Ready? Yeah. Set, one, two, three, go.
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Don't you ever touch me like that.
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Don't work around. Someone's going to
get hurt.
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Someone's going to get hurt. Why don't
you grow up? Grow up.
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Grow up.
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Why don't you just go?
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Gary, there's a dog outside your door.
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Well, let's go see who he is.
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Did you ever hit me like that?
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Hi. Oh.
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Oh, man. What's the matter? Are you
lost?
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Oh, what a pretty dog. What a pretty
girl.
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Isn't she a pretty girl? You're a good
girl.
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Hi, girl. How do you know it's a girl?
She doesn't have a penis.
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Wow.
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Oh, Gary.
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That's the clue I've been looking for.
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Okay, great. I'll get my canine grooming
kit.
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Oh, don't.
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Puppy, puppy, puppy, what's the matter?
You aren't afraid, are you?
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Are you afraid?
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You didn't just nod, did you?
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Oh, my God, you nodded again.
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Gary, this is one smart dog.
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Here. Not again.
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Here, if you need any choke collars, I
have a whole drawer full.
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Well, she's so cute.
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Yeah, I think she likes you.
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I think she does. So I wonder who she
belongs to.
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Well, she doesn't have a collar or tags
or anything.
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I don't know. You ought to find out who
her owner is, though. Yeah, but until
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then, she can stay here for as long as
she wants, because I love this doggie.
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Can I keep her for a while?
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See, this is what humans used to dry off
with. See?
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It's a lot better than doing this.
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Okay,
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I'm all right. I'm all right.
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You know, I've been trying to come up
with a name for her all day, but it's so
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hard to come up with a name for a female
collie that's really smart and has been
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on television already.
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You know, yeah, except for Lassie.
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We couldn't get the rights to use that
name.
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So I'm going to have to call her
something like... Laffy.
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Laffy.
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Laffy.
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Starring Molly Cheek.
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Michael Tucci.
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Scott Nemeth.
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Gary Shanley as Gary.
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And, of course, Laffy.
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Come
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on,
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girl. Go to the bathroom.
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Gosh, it's great to be back in color.
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Really. Sure.
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And I think the dog speaks for herself.
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I started to feel like I was in the
beginning of The Wizard of Oz there.
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Well, that explains it. Explains what,
Leonard? The howling that was coming
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your bedroom last night.
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Oh, like that's the first time.
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Gare, whose dog is this?
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I don't know, Leonard. She's lost, and
she's staying with me until Nancy and I
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find the owner. Au contraire, Gare.
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Au contraire?
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It's right here in condo condos and
condo condos.
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Now, you're supposed to carry a copy of
that with you at all times. Leonard.
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I'll waive the fine on it this time, but
you've got to get rid of that dog. Get
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rid of the dog, Leonard? This dog has no
place to go, and this is no ordinary
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dog, Leonard. This is Laffy.
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You see?
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You see? You yell out some other name of
some other dog and see if somebody
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whistles.
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Look, Gar, I'm sorry.
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I think you all remember Leonard Smith
from Hogan's Heroes, don't you?
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Oh, we'll figure something out. Oh,
Laffy.
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Yeah, and there's nothing here in the
lost and found.
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There's a forklift for $1 ,400.
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Well, she's just going to have to stay
here, okay? Because I'm not putting her
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in one of those pounds where she can get
attacked by desperate homosexual dogs
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in the exercise room.
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I know what that's like, and I'm not
putting a dog through it.
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Uh -oh, it's Leonard Smith.
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Uh -oh.
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Quit laughing under someone's dress.
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Hey, I've got one. Oh, great, great.
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That's great, because I wore pants.
Quick.
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Oh, gee.
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Thank you.
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Is this all right?
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Oh, no.
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Okay, act natural.
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Okay.
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So... Oh, wow!
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Dance has been in this incredible mood
all day.
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It's really been a great day, isn't it?
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So, what's going on? Be that as it may,
Gare.
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I trust our little canine friend is off
the premises. Oh, yeah, Leonard. Gone.
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Long gone.
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Oh, yeah. No dog here.
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Oh!
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thinking books, and it's changed her
life, man.
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Maybe she'll loan them to you sometime.
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You know, this may be a stupid question.
Why are you dressed like a railroad
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engineer? Boy, that is a stupid
question, Gare.
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You know, in exactly 30 minutes, Union
Pacific makes its final run through
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Sherman Oaks. Is that right?
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Yep. And I want to be there to record
that moment for my video script.
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Oh, that's great.
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God have mercy!
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What was that? What?
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Chili. Bad chili. We had some really bad
chili. Chili, my eye. That was a dog.
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Chili dog.
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It was a really bad... Leonard. Leonard.
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That's sick.
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That's sick. You didn't know for sure
there was a dog under there.
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That's sick.
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Congratulations, Gare.
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You have lost my trust.
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Well, your time is up. You gotta get
this dog out of here.
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No dogs.
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You hear what I'm saying? No dogs.
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No, Laffy, you're a good, good dog.
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You're a good... Nice try, Nance. Thank
God we didn't find Trigger.
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Golly, Laffy.
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That nasty old Mr.
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Smith sure did put a damper on our
fucking... I agree where the sun don't
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huh, girl?
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All right.
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I guess he just doesn't have a dog like
you.
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That's right.
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00:12:37,970 --> 00:12:40,510
You're going to love living with the
Schumachers, though.
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Yes, you will. And I promise I'll come
and visit you.
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I swear.
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00:12:46,450 --> 00:12:49,710
By the way, these houses are a lot
cheaper because they're so close to the
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tracks.
201
00:12:53,430 --> 00:12:54,930
I love you, Laffy.
202
00:13:12,460 --> 00:13:13,480
Fetch the hush puppy.
203
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:17,680
Come on. Come on. Come on. You can do
it.
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00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:20,100
It's right over there. It's over there.
205
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,800
What's the matter, girl? Are you sick?
Is something wrong?
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00:13:27,180 --> 00:13:29,060
Is it possible that she's bored?
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00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,840
She has been fetching shoes for over two
hours now.
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00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,920
How can anybody be bored fetching hush
puppies? I've been doing that for 20
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00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,460
years. But you're at the top of your
profession, honey.
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00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:48,220
That's a great idea, son. Okay, Laffy,
close your eyes and count to ten.
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00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:53,400
And remember, Laffy, no peeking. Because
that's the key to hide and seek.
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Nice laughing. Please help me.
213
00:14:40,150 --> 00:14:40,969
Come on.
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00:14:40,970 --> 00:14:42,670
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Come here.
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00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,470
Oh, pretty baby.
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00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:47,450
Oh, what a pretty dog you are.
217
00:14:47,830 --> 00:14:49,770
Oh, what a pretty dog. Oh, what a pretty
baby.
218
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,000
Mr. Smith is sorry about all those
terrible things.
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00:14:55,180 --> 00:14:57,540
I'm in terrible trouble. Go get Gary.
220
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,740
Okay? Go get Gary.
221
00:15:17,180 --> 00:15:19,260
It's just not the same with a stuffed
dog.
222
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:29,300
It's Laffy.
223
00:15:29,940 --> 00:15:30,960
It's Laffy.
224
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:35,240
Laffy's come home.
225
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,840
She must have busted out of the
Schumacher's.
226
00:15:40,580 --> 00:15:42,200
Oh, Laffy.
227
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,860
Oh, I missed you so much.
228
00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:49,100
What's wrong, girl?
229
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,720
I think she's trying to tell us
something. She's trying to tell us
230
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:52,579
First word.
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00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:54,100
Sounds like. Sounds like bark.
232
00:15:54,340 --> 00:15:55,380
Bark. Bark.
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00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:57,760
Bob Barker. Something's happened to Bob
Barker.
234
00:16:07,190 --> 00:16:09,450
I'll get some bran. It's next to my bed.
235
00:16:10,150 --> 00:16:11,150
Oh,
236
00:16:13,070 --> 00:16:16,450
how can we be so stupid? Is it Leonard
Smith's foot?
237
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:18,110
He's caught under the...
238
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:46,170
Please help me. Oh, gee, Leonard, your
foot really is caught.
239
00:16:46,610 --> 00:16:50,470
Come on, Gary, I was a jerk. Come on,
please help me. You were a what? A jerk.
240
00:16:51,470 --> 00:16:53,570
All right, come on. Come on, Nancy, give
me a hand.
241
00:16:54,010 --> 00:16:55,050
One, two, three.
242
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:29,980
second time this has happened to me. I
was almost hit by a lionel as a kid.
243
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:32,500
Thanks, Laffy.
244
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:33,780
You saved my foot.
245
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Oh, Laffy.
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00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,460
Maybe I could still get a rear view of
the caboose.
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00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:42,840
Laffy?
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00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:44,720
Laffy? Oh, June, over here.
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00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:05,000
She's a beautiful dog, June. She sure
is. Oh, thank you so much. Yes, she
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00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:10,280
is. And poor Timmy, he's been a basket
case. You know, if I could just get that
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00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,840
kid to shut his bedroom window at night,
Laffy would never get away.
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00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:17,820
There, girl. Gee, Timmy's got to be 52
by now.
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00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,680
You'd think he'd have that bedroom thing
figured out.
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00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,900
You know, June, Laffy saved Leonard
Smith from being hit by a train.
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00:18:27,180 --> 00:18:28,240
Really? Uh -huh.
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00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,760
Well, that's a piece of cake, you know.
She used to save somebody every week.
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00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:37,840
Oh, we used to sit around the kitchen
table just making bets on who she'd save
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00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:38,840
next. Really?
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00:18:39,460 --> 00:18:44,280
And then sometimes, if things got a
little slow, we'd just throw a few boys
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00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:45,820
the lake so she could keep in practice.
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00:18:48,180 --> 00:18:52,240
Which proves that old saying, you know,
behind every successful collie, there's
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00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,760
five or six soggy boys.
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00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:58,820
What have we learned tonight?
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00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:03,780
I think we've learned that if you find a
stray dog on your front doorstep, you
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00:19:03,780 --> 00:19:08,260
shouldn't really plan on keeping it
because, you know, that dog may very
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00:19:08,260 --> 00:19:09,320
turn out to be...
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00:20:31,660 --> 00:20:33,880
Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Channing Show.
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