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Thank you.
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00:00:16,900 --> 00:00:17,900
Thanks.
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00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:19,960
Thank you.
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That's really nice. I guess you're
applauding because you can tell I've
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00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:25,640
working out.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
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And, of course, my favorite pose.
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Well, welcome to the show, really,
because, uh...
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I've been working out. I want to show it
off to you because I was kind of wimpy
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in high school. I was actually beaten up
a lot. I was actually deboned in the
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seventh grade.
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00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:56,020
So I wish I could show you what I looked
like in high school. I wish I had my
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yearbook, but it's in the car.
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I take it with me everywhere I go. I
just can't let go.
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It's not a pretty sight. But I don't
think working out really matters that
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I mean, looks aren't that important,
really, are they?
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You think so?
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00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:18,630
You know, I saw two ugly people kissing
today. Ooh.
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It's sickening. You know what I'm
talking about. Ooh.
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It grosses you out, doesn't it? You know
who you are. Don't do that. Really. It
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was right there. It was in a department
store. Two ugly people were going at it.
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I was wiping my lips watching them kiss.
You know, you go, ooh. Oh, that's
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gross.
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What's going on when ugly people are
kissing?
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Are they looking at each other going,
all right?
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00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,000
Tonight it's the beach show.
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What that means exactly is Pete and
Jackie and Grant, or as we all call
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course, the Schumachers, are coming over
and we're going to the beach together.
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So to get us in the mood for going to
the beach, I thought, okay, all right,
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00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:07,560
more time.
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00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,020
I know, you write in, I'll send you some
stills.
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00:02:12,140 --> 00:02:13,680
I thought to, uh...
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00:02:13,950 --> 00:02:19,010
Get us in the mood for going to the
beach. I would show you a home movie of
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of my previous trips to the beach.
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And you can watch this while you listen
to the opening theme, okay? And
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I'll see you in 41 seconds.
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This is the theme to Gary's show.
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This is the theme to Gary's show. Gary
called me up and asked if I would write
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00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:42,869
theme song.
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00:02:42,870 --> 00:02:47,430
I'm almost halfway finished. How do you
like it so far? How do you like the
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00:02:47,430 --> 00:02:48,670
theme to Gary's show?
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This is the theme to Gary's show. The
opening theme to Gary's show. This is
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00:02:54,470 --> 00:02:57,430
music that you hear as you watch the
credits.
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We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch his
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00:03:02,790 --> 00:03:03,790
Sandling show.
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00:03:08,850 --> 00:03:11,170
This was the theme to Gary Fanning's
show.
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I don't know what to say.
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It's really a very nice speech.
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You just got to go on the right day. I
went on... It was like a Thursday you
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to go on, you know.
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I went on D -Day, all right?
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I made a huge mistake. You don't want to
go on D -Day. It was noisy. There
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00:03:37,370 --> 00:03:40,950
was... Guys were stepping on my towel.
There were landmines, all right?
54
00:03:41,230 --> 00:03:43,010
They blew up my surfboard, okay?
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And I didn't meet any girls. Don't go to
the beach on D -Day. That's all I have
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to say. It's worse than Fourth of July
weekend. It's just packed.
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00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:56,470
So, anyway, Pete and Jackie and Grant
should be ringing the doorbell any
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now, and then we'll all be off to the
beach. And, of course, since it's my
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00:03:59,550 --> 00:04:02,630
all I have to say is, and here they are
now.
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00:04:07,630 --> 00:04:10,570
All right, uh, maybe I got a little
cocky there.
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00:04:11,950 --> 00:04:13,070
Remember the doorbell guys?
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And here they are now.
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00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:18,029
Ding dong. Oh, there it is. I'll get it.
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00:04:20,470 --> 00:04:21,470
Hey, guys.
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Hey, guys.
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Hey, guys.
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Well, another show off to a flying
start, huh?
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00:04:32,770 --> 00:04:35,050
It's all right. You know what it
probably is, uh...
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00:04:36,590 --> 00:04:42,610
You see, they're probably still
sleeping, because last night I had a
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surprise anniversary for Pete's parents,
and the party ended pretty late, and
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the Schumachers are probably still
sleeping. I better give them a call and
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them that, you know, millions of viewers
are, you know, waiting for us to go.
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Well, several viewers are waiting to go
to the beach with us.
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00:05:07,150 --> 00:05:08,150
Hello, Pete, it's Gary.
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You know, we're supposed to go to the,
uh... Pete.
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00:05:15,370 --> 00:05:18,730
God, I hate when someone hangs up on me
on television.
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00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:22,050
It's just embarrassing for me. I don't
know what to say.
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00:05:22,550 --> 00:05:26,270
I, uh, I better go check up on him, see
if everything's all right, see what
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they're doing.
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00:05:26,950 --> 00:05:31,150
He lives just a couple blocks away. Why
don't you guys, uh, just cut to the next
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scene, and I'll meet you there, because
I'm going to walk.
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00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:56,980
You know, we're supposed to go to the
beach.
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00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,840
This is the show where we all get to go
to the beach. You stum. Swine.
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00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,200
Hosebag.
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00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:04,080
Well, all right, look, I'm not locked
into the beach.
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00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,700
We can go, uh, I'll go get a frisbee and
a towel. We'll stay here.
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00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:14,120
Well, uh, what is it? Are you guys mad
at me about something?
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00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:15,380
Oh, please.
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00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:19,540
Like you don't know what you did at the
anniversary party last night.
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00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:22,900
Was it the gift?
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00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:26,260
I thought you folks would like
sombreros.
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00:06:27,660 --> 00:06:30,880
I forgot 50 years was gold. I thought 50
years was Mexican.
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I'm sorry.
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Wait, is that right? 25 years is Korean.
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I know that.
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Well, honest, I don't know what it is. I
swear I don't remember what I did at
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the party. Well, why don't you have one
of your stupid flashbacks, Uncle Gary?
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Yeah, maybe then you'll remember, pal.
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Sick tub of swill.
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Fend the Schumachers.
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And have you ever heard anybody stop
singing that quick?
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You know...
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No,
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00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:33,420
no, don't do that to yourselves. You
know, maybe I should have one of my
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flashbacks. Then I can remember what I
did.
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That's right. It's my flashback booth.
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Like you don't have one.
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And it's a new one.
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Mmm, don't you love the smell of a new
flashback booth?
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00:07:51,620 --> 00:07:55,720
And don't forget to buckle in when you
get in your flashback booth.
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Because, you know, most flashback
accidents happen within ten years of
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00:08:03,220 --> 00:08:04,220
Okay.
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00:08:05,660 --> 00:08:07,980
Take me back. Take me back.
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00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,680
Aunt Jackie, you are now in a deep
trance.
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00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:35,000
On the count of three, you will find
your seats unbearably hot.
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One, two, three.
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Oh,
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that is wonderful.
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Oh, we're having such fun at your party,
Gary.
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00:08:45,140 --> 00:08:52,000
Well, thanks, Ma Schumacher. Gary, that
hypnotist is absolutely the greatest act
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00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:53,000
I ever saw.
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00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,660
Pete's parents, ladies and gentlemen.
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00:09:01,860 --> 00:09:05,000
I think we have a little more insight
into Pete now, don't we?
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00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,500
Grant, Jackie, you may sit back down.
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00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:13,980
Pete, when I snap my fingers, you'll
become an opera singer.
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00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,060
was made possible by a grant from the
Exxon Corporation.
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00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,940
When I snap my fingers, you'll wake up
and remember none of this.
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00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:00,760
I'm on.
129
00:10:01,340 --> 00:10:03,260
So here, Mr.
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00:10:03,460 --> 00:10:05,680
Professional Entertainer. The camera's
on. Be funny.
131
00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:09,920
Leonard, come on. You just don't walk up
to somebody and be funny.
132
00:10:10,580 --> 00:10:13,000
You just can't say that. It has to come
naturally.
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00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:17,260
I don't just walk up to you and say,
hey, be in the way.
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00:10:26,510 --> 00:10:30,290
There's a lot I can say, Mom and Dad,
about how I feel about you as parents,
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00:10:30,390 --> 00:10:33,390
about the fact that you've been married
for half a century now.
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00:10:57,770 --> 00:11:04,670
to ending up on the couch with a...
Maybe this booth is a
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00:11:04,670 --> 00:11:05,670
lemon.
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00:11:05,810 --> 00:11:08,090
I should have just got the tanning booth
instead.
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00:11:10,810 --> 00:11:15,990
Okay, so the only clues you have are
that your head hurts, and there's a gap
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00:11:15,990 --> 00:11:20,210
your flashback, and when you woke up,
your shirt was on inside out?
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00:11:20,870 --> 00:11:24,370
Right, so all I can figure so far is
maybe I knocked myself out while I was
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00:11:24,370 --> 00:11:25,370
taking off my shirt.
143
00:11:27,850 --> 00:11:28,850
Because I've done that before.
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00:11:33,750 --> 00:11:36,730
Once in a fitting room, I actually put
myself into a coma.
145
00:11:38,750 --> 00:11:44,410
You know, I was getting fitted for,
like, a jacket, and I put myself in a
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00:11:44,410 --> 00:11:48,650
-Nelson and flipped myself over, and the
tailor was down, counting to ten,
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00:11:48,730 --> 00:11:50,630
and... Are you through?
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00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:57,440
I wish you had been at that party last
night. Then I would know what went
149
00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:02,180
Well, excuse me, Gary, but, you know, I
do have a life outside of being your
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00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:04,200
attractive yet not threatening platonic
neighbor.
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00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,200
You know, I forget that. I'm sorry.
152
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:10,520
How's it going out there?
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00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:15,040
Well, actually, great, because, you
know, a very funny thing happened to me.
154
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,380
friend of mine came in for... Back to
me.
155
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:26,960
It was a great story.
156
00:12:28,060 --> 00:12:31,700
You know, I have the guest list here
from the party, and I thought what we'd
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00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:34,800
is call some of these people and see if
we can figure out what I did wrong this
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00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:35,800
episode. Okay.
159
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,760
This is Pete's first cousin.
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00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:45,480
Hello?
161
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:46,960
Hello?
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00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:49,320
Fredo Schumacher? This is Gary
Shandling.
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00:12:56,490 --> 00:12:57,970
Some people take my calls, I swear.
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00:12:58,870 --> 00:13:01,690
All right, all right. Some people
actually call me and then hang up.
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00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:06,510
Look, why don't you just give me some of
that list, and I'll take it home and
166
00:13:06,510 --> 00:13:08,930
make a couple of calls, and I'll get to
the bottom of it. Really? All right.
167
00:13:10,530 --> 00:13:11,530
Thanks. Thanks.
168
00:13:11,970 --> 00:13:14,590
And then you want to go to the beach
afterwards?
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00:13:14,830 --> 00:13:16,630
Oh, I can't. I'm flying to Paris.
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00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:19,590
Jesus.
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00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:22,370
You give somebody an outside life, they
go crazy.
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00:13:30,860 --> 00:13:31,860
Very busy here.
173
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:33,760
What are you doing?
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00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:35,640
New marketing idea.
175
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,820
Video gardens for shut -ins.
176
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:41,720
Oh, those lucky shut -ins.
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00:13:42,540 --> 00:13:46,680
Listen, Leonard, you were at this party
last night, right? Well, just what went
178
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:49,220
on? Well, it was quite festive.
179
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,280
Although I have to confess I don't
remember very much. I was too busy
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00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:56,680
party. Wait a minute. You taped the
party? What party?
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00:13:57,410 --> 00:14:00,310
Listen, nobody's talking to Gary, and he
doesn't know why, and it's driving him
182
00:14:00,310 --> 00:14:03,090
crazy. So maybe if we look at the tape,
we'll be able to find out why. What
183
00:14:03,090 --> 00:14:04,590
tape? Leonard. Leonard who?
184
00:14:05,030 --> 00:14:06,950
Who's this Leonard? Is there a Leonard
McLaughlin?
185
00:14:08,350 --> 00:14:09,350
Hello?
186
00:14:09,990 --> 00:14:11,670
Hi, is this Minnie Schumacher?
187
00:14:13,050 --> 00:14:14,790
Hi, this is Ed Sullivan calling.
188
00:14:16,330 --> 00:14:17,810
No, no, that's just a rumor.
189
00:14:19,970 --> 00:14:21,670
I'm fine. I'm really fine.
190
00:14:23,110 --> 00:14:24,950
Listen, I understand, uh...
191
00:14:29,930 --> 00:14:33,130
I understand you were at a party last
night with Gary Shandling.
192
00:14:34,050 --> 00:14:35,270
Well, how did that go?
193
00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:38,610
Is that right?
194
00:14:39,910 --> 00:14:42,610
Well, sure, I'll tell him where he can
stick Topo Jijo.
195
00:14:44,690 --> 00:14:45,690
All right, then.
196
00:14:46,610 --> 00:14:48,310
No, I won't be on Sunday night.
197
00:14:49,750 --> 00:14:50,750
Bye now.
198
00:14:52,010 --> 00:14:56,850
And now for you youngsters out there,
Japanese singing star...
199
00:14:58,179 --> 00:15:01,520
Hugh Sakamoto. God, I love, I just love
doing outdated impressions.
200
00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:05,440
Oh, so great.
201
00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:12,360
Well, the Beatles were first on my show
in 1963. The Fab Four from Liverpool.
202
00:15:12,540 --> 00:15:13,540
Settle down, girl.
203
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:18,360
Gary. The thing of it is... Oh, God,
Gary, you're not doing Ed Sullivan
204
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,440
are you? Oh, well.
205
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,860
Sorry. How did that last scene go
without me?
206
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:31,200
Well, I'm happy for you. You know, and I
think we're going to have some answers
207
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:33,440
right here in spectacular Leonard
vision.
208
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:35,080
Oh, great.
209
00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:43,180
You know, I haven't seen a woman drag a
man in by the ear since Curly's wife.
210
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,780
Look, it all boils down to this.
211
00:15:52,260 --> 00:15:54,360
We all love you both very, very much.
212
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:04,320
And now, Mom and Dad, excuse me, Cousin
Fredo, let's see if this little song
213
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:05,320
rings a bell.
214
00:16:09,460 --> 00:16:13,420
Angel. That's the song we danced to at
our wedding. Yes.
215
00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:20,400
Now, Leonard?
216
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:22,540
Yeah, now.
217
00:16:27,060 --> 00:16:28,060
Great party.
218
00:16:29,390 --> 00:16:30,269
Oh, thanks.
219
00:16:30,270 --> 00:16:33,010
You know, Gary, you have very deep green
eye.
220
00:16:35,930 --> 00:16:41,030
Thanks. And your eyelids are getting
very, very heavy. Oh, don't start that.
221
00:16:41,030 --> 00:16:42,930
you're getting very, very sleepy.
222
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:44,370
No, I'm not.
223
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:47,210
And now you're under my power of
suggestion.
224
00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:55,920
Gary, you're in luck tonight, because
right over there in the pink dress is Bo
225
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,880
Derek, and she wants to make love to
you.
226
00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:01,160
That's what I've been telling everybody.
227
00:17:02,060 --> 00:17:06,500
And by the way, Gary, when you hear the
words goodnight, everybody, you'll find
228
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,140
yourself in a nudist camp.
229
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,040
Nudist camp.
230
00:17:11,020 --> 00:17:12,020
Solid.
231
00:17:15,260 --> 00:17:16,260
Great party.
232
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:17,440
Oh, thanks.
233
00:17:34,670 --> 00:17:35,670
cut in?
234
00:17:35,690 --> 00:17:37,370
Oh, of course, Gary.
235
00:17:37,910 --> 00:17:38,910
Oh, thanks.
236
00:17:43,070 --> 00:17:45,670
It's such a nice party, Gary.
237
00:17:47,890 --> 00:17:50,590
Oh, I'm so glad you're here. Thanks.
Thank you.
238
00:17:52,850 --> 00:17:55,330
God, I melt when you touch me.
239
00:17:57,330 --> 00:17:59,090
Really, I guess all the guys tell you
that.
240
00:18:00,990 --> 00:18:03,010
Everybody I know wishes they were with
you.
241
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,360
I feel so lucky right now.
242
00:18:05,980 --> 00:18:09,580
You're always going to be a perfect 10
in my book. God, look at you.
243
00:18:10,620 --> 00:18:12,380
Do you have any new posters coming out?
244
00:18:12,980 --> 00:18:16,400
I have a poster of you under my mattress
pad.
245
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:20,360
I need a new one. It's getting real
crumbled up.
246
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:24,700
God, you smell great.
247
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,000
Who's this old guy you're with?
248
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,660
You're always making such funny jokes.
249
00:18:35,590 --> 00:18:38,130
Gosh, let's just get a motel room up the
coast. Come on.
250
00:18:39,210 --> 00:18:41,570
Really. We'll get one of those vibrating
beds.
251
00:18:41,890 --> 00:18:45,470
I got a roll of quarters. We can have...
It'll be like Disneyland.
252
00:18:45,890 --> 00:18:48,170
What do you say?
253
00:18:48,410 --> 00:18:51,410
You want to stay here? You want to play
bumper pool? You know what I mean by
254
00:18:51,410 --> 00:18:52,410
that, don't you?
255
00:18:53,310 --> 00:18:54,350
Come on.
256
00:18:54,950 --> 00:18:55,950
God, your hair.
257
00:18:56,390 --> 00:18:58,210
It's so much nicer than the cornrows.
258
00:19:00,850 --> 00:19:02,750
Why don't we just go into my bedroom?
You know what?
259
00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:09,140
You are disgusting.
260
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,200
Oh, you're a tease. What's going on?
261
00:19:12,660 --> 00:19:18,620
She wants me. She's a tease. You stay
away from her. Oh, she wants me. You
262
00:19:18,620 --> 00:19:22,780
away from my wife. Oh, your wife like
you're John Derrick. What are you doing?
263
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:24,920
She wants me. Stay out of this.
264
00:19:25,140 --> 00:19:27,200
I don't want you. I am not a tease.
265
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:32,300
Gare. Stop saying that. Gare. What?
What, Leonard? Maybe it's time to say
266
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:33,300
night, everybody.
267
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:34,920
Good night, everybody.
268
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,760
Now where are you, Gare?
269
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,620
I'm overdressed. Come on, everybody.
270
00:19:42,020 --> 00:19:43,020
Naked violence.
271
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,040
Live with yourself.
272
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,860
The same stunt was a laugh riot at my
last Kiwanis meeting.
273
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:43,460
You should have seen the high
Kiwanitude.
274
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:48,060
Well, at least you all know now that
Gary's innocent.
275
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,880
I'm very sorry, Gary.
276
00:20:51,260 --> 00:20:55,280
I just assumed that if you do something
horrible, you mean it.
277
00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:00,040
Nance, why don't you tell Leonard what
the lesson is in tonight's show?
278
00:21:09,620 --> 00:21:13,440
because, you know, you never really know
what might happen. Well, for instance,
279
00:21:13,620 --> 00:21:17,280
I was once hypnotized to stop smoking
cigarettes, and, well, it worked great.
280
00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:21,340
Well, except I started smoking these big
mother Cuban cigars.
281
00:21:23,460 --> 00:21:27,340
Gee, that wasn't much of a lesson, I
guess. Well, no, no, no, no. Don't put
282
00:21:27,340 --> 00:21:28,940
much pressure on yourself. It's your
first time.
283
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:31,260
It was really good for the first time.
284
00:21:32,660 --> 00:21:33,660
Well...
285
00:21:35,310 --> 00:21:38,710
You know, what can I say about tonight's
show, really, other than you saw me
286
00:21:38,710 --> 00:21:45,510
naked? And, uh, if you're not a fan
now... And, uh...
287
00:21:45,510 --> 00:21:50,090
You know, I think you owe me now, quite
frankly.
288
00:21:51,410 --> 00:21:55,870
I'd like to see how you look naked,
so... When I say the words, good night,
289
00:21:55,910 --> 00:21:59,290
everybody, I think you know what to do,
so get your black dot ready.
290
00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:05,190
In the meantime, let me tell you that
next week's show... is a really special
291
00:22:05,190 --> 00:22:08,410
show. We're going to deal with two very
controversial issues.
292
00:22:08,930 --> 00:22:13,050
One, hat racks, coat racks, what's the
difference?
293
00:22:15,490 --> 00:22:20,770
And two, we checks, corn checks, rice
checks, who needs all three, really?
294
00:22:22,070 --> 00:22:24,530
And I'm basically cuckoo for Cocoa
Puffs, anyway.
295
00:22:24,770 --> 00:22:26,190
I think you knew that.
296
00:22:27,070 --> 00:22:32,750
So, until next time, I just want to
thank you, and I'll say good night,
297
00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:33,810
everybody.
298
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,800
Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Stanley Show.
24902
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