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leave a message, and I'll call you right
back.
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00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,400
If this is a girl, come on over.
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00:00:23,780 --> 00:00:25,720
Hello? Audience, are you there?
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00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:28,520
This is Gary. Are you there?
5
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:30,080
Oh,
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00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,340
would you pick up? Somebody please pick
up?
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Because I'm calling from my car phone
and I'm lost.
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I don't know. I forgot how to get to the
studio.
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I'm just curious. On your way to the
studio, did any of you pass a big farm
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a red windmill and a...
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There's a big cornfield here. Where the
hell am I?
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00:00:55,770 --> 00:00:57,790
This is the theme to Gary's show.
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The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me
up and asked if I would write his theme
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00:01:03,010 --> 00:01:07,050
song. I'm almost halfway finished. How
do you like it so far?
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00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:09,610
How do you like the theme to Gary's
show?
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This is the theme to Gary's show, the
opening theme to Gary's show. This is
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music that you hear as you watch the
credits.
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We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch a
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Shandling show.
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This was the theme to Gary Shandling's
show.
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most accidents do happen within two feet
of home.
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There go my insurance rates.
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Oh, anyway, I'm sorry I was late, but
look.
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Fresh corn.
25
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:04,880
This will be on sale after the show.
26
00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:10,400
And then I'm coming down. Nice to see
you all. Hello. I was driving down
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Sure, one person's happy. I was
driving...
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I'm driving down the freeway, and they
were doing construction work, and it was
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00:02:20,230 --> 00:02:23,630
closed. One day they'll have, like, 20
-lane freeways, and there will still be
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sign on the freeway that says, write 19
lanes closed. You know what I mean?
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00:02:27,890 --> 00:02:31,830
Then I see this guy with a compass on
the dashboard of his car.
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What the hell are those for?
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When was the last time you were driving?
Were they going to Ecuador or what? I
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00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:40,790
mean, when was the last time you were on
the highway, hit a jungle, and said,
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where are we, honey?
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Is the compass working? Is the altimeter
still happening?
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You never really ask directions and
someone says, yeah, you go four degrees
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north and three degrees west. And you
go, damn, if I only had a compass.
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00:02:54,680 --> 00:03:00,840
Anyway, I guess you're wondering why I'm
wearing this racing car outfit, besides
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00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,080
the fact that I look incredibly sexy in
it.
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00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:08,260
Yeah, sometimes I just look in the
mirror and think, hey, I've been with
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00:03:08,260 --> 00:03:09,260
man.
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00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:11,760
But, you know...
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When you don't have a windshield, you
got to wear something for the bugs to
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00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:16,460
smash into.
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Of course, I don't need a helmet
because, of course, my lips protect my
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Oh,
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look, a gnat.
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I'm chaperoning Grant on his first date
tonight, which is great
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because I don't have a date tonight. You
know what I say.
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Chaperoning is the next best thing to
being there.
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Oh, I guess that must be the end of my
monologue.
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It wasn't a bad one, really, do you
think?
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Oh,
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hi, Pete. Hey, Gary, hi.
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Boy, this is exciting.
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Oh, look at him, Gary.
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Baby having his first date tonight.
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00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:04,800
Mom, please.
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00:04:04,860 --> 00:04:07,920
Oh, don't worry, Grant. My mom still
cries when I go on a date.
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00:04:09,310 --> 00:04:12,250
Hey, Grant, I'm sending you out with the
master. Uncle Gary's been on a lot of
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first dates.
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And you know, the truth is, I wish I
could skip first dates altogether and go
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right to being dumped. Really.
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I think it would take out a lot of the
guesswork.
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Okay, Gary, now, you know what to do,
right?
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Take Grant out on his date and maybe a
little ice cream afterward. And, Grant,
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honey, if you start to wheeze, I want
you to use your inhaler.
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00:04:36,430 --> 00:04:40,110
Mom. Hey, Grant, I go through two, three
of those on a date. Really.
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The last date I got lucky on, they had
to hook me to a respirator.
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Okay.
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Have fun, honey.
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Good luck, son.
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I'll see you guys.
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Thanks, Gary. See you. Okay. See you.
See you.
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00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:54,890
Well, Grant, you look great.
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Thanks. Yeah, I think your date's a
lucky girl.
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00:04:57,650 --> 00:05:01,810
Thanks, Gary. Really. You know, that
really means a lot to me, but I'm still
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00:05:01,810 --> 00:05:03,190
kind of nervous. I mean...
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00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:04,700
Tim's beautiful.
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00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:09,640
She's kind of a wild girl. And I'm,
well, I'm just Grant.
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00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:12,920
Hey, Grant, come on. She wouldn't be
going out with you if she didn't really
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00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:13,920
like you, you know?
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00:05:14,540 --> 00:05:19,100
Yeah. So you should just relax and have
a good time. And if she goes to touch
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you, don't giggle.
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00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,160
Okay?
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That's all there is to it. Thanks, Uncle
Gary. Hey, sure. Look, you've given me
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the same advice plenty of times. I'm
glad I could reciprocate.
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00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:38,960
I think so.
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00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,400
Uh, okay, because if there's anything
you need, I got it here in my pre -date
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00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,400
kit. Oh, yeah?
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00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:50,580
I got, uh, I got cologne, I got some
hairspray, I got some mouthwash, I got
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00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:54,920
burn cream, and I got some antiseptic
wipes.
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00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,820
Well, okay, let's hope you don't need
those.
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I think I'm okay.
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00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:02,020
You think so? Yeah.
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Boy, you're more secure than I ever was.
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All right. Good luck. Thanks.
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00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:12,600
You know, this walk to the girl's house
from the car, it's like the worst, isn't
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00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,900
it? It's like that last walk, that last
mile to the electric chair, isn't it? In
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fact, I had a priest walk with me my
first few days.
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And then you got to get by her dad and
all those boring questions like, what
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00:06:28,620 --> 00:06:29,740
grade are you in?
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I'm in seventh grade, sir.
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00:06:31,740 --> 00:06:34,400
Oh, and what do you want to be when you
grow up?
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A hush puppy salesman like my dad.
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there's the multiple choice section.
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I'll say C.
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B.
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None of the above.
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00:06:48,460 --> 00:06:50,880
And then sometimes the questions get
really hard.
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00:06:51,140 --> 00:06:52,140
Oh, gee, let me see.
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The industrial revolution.
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Pi times the radius squared.
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00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:08,580
The Nima, the Pinsa, and... Santa Maria.
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00:07:09,210 --> 00:07:11,810
The Santa... The Santa Maria. The Santa
Maria.
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Santa Maria. And Santa Maria.
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All right.
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And that's just the oral part. Some
fathers actually require an essay.
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00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:27,630
Oh, good. It's a take -home.
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Uh -oh.
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Here comes the mandatory physical.
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00:08:02,990 --> 00:08:04,510
Uncle Gary's gonna chaperone.
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00:08:05,530 --> 00:08:09,510
Chaperone? Grant, don't you think that
might be just a little geeky?
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00:08:10,450 --> 00:08:12,030
But the movie's PG -13.
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00:08:12,470 --> 00:08:13,470
I mean, we're only 12.
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00:08:13,890 --> 00:08:16,290
Good guy, Grant. Haven't you ever heard
of a fake ID?
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00:08:16,590 --> 00:08:17,590
Isn't that illegal?
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00:08:17,790 --> 00:08:23,190
So? Uh, well... Uncle Gary, this is Kim
Stevens. Kim, this is Gary.
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00:08:23,530 --> 00:08:24,970
Oh, hi, Kim. Nice to meet you.
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00:08:25,210 --> 00:08:30,210
You're Gary Shanley. Grant, this is Gary
Shanley. I have been your biggest fan
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00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,210
since third grade.
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00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:36,440
So, you guys ready to go? I sure am. Me
too. Great, let's go. This is going to
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00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:37,440
be fun.
135
00:08:39,380 --> 00:08:43,220
You know, I can't wait to see the attack
of the ninja. Me too. You know, we
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00:08:43,220 --> 00:08:44,780
better hurry or we'll miss the beheading
scene.
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Are they cute or what?
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This is going to be better than a puppet
show.
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00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:23,650
time i go to a drive -in they skyrocket
and
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00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:30,570
remind me to unhook this okay because
last week
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00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:34,710
i was at a movie and forgot to take it
off and yank the whole top of my car off
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00:09:34,710 --> 00:09:35,710
all right
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00:09:58,060 --> 00:10:03,100
such an exciting life. I mean, Las
Vegas, bright lights, life on the edge.
144
00:10:04,660 --> 00:10:07,620
Well, you know, it's... It's okay.
145
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,880
You know, if you want to talk about
exciting, let's talk Grant Schumacher.
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00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:18,900
Look at him. You know, Grant... Grant's
a Cub Scout. Isn't that right, Grant?
147
00:10:20,260 --> 00:10:21,380
Yeah, Mom, it's a wee blow.
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00:10:22,420 --> 00:10:24,120
Just a wee blow, a wee blow.
149
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,120
Oh, you want to talk funny? Grant, tell
her a joke. Grant's hysterical.
150
00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:34,640
Okay. Why do those people have compasses
on their cars?
151
00:10:37,940 --> 00:10:38,980
Where are they driving?
152
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:40,280
Home?
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00:10:42,940 --> 00:10:45,740
Well, I think what he means by home is,
uh, Ecuador.
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00:10:47,260 --> 00:10:50,420
Part of the joke that he switches it
like that. That was a good one, Grant.
155
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:51,679
Yeah, right.
156
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:52,680
Thanks, Uncle Jerry.
157
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,640
Kim, would you like some popcorn?
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00:10:57,930 --> 00:10:58,930
Could you go get us some?
159
00:11:00,550 --> 00:11:03,730
Well, I'll go get it. Oh, no, no, no,
no. Grant's gonna go.
160
00:11:04,010 --> 00:11:06,310
And, Grant, steal it.
161
00:11:07,930 --> 00:11:08,930
Steal it?
162
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,670
Did she say steal it?
163
00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:14,790
Steal it!
164
00:11:17,150 --> 00:11:19,650
Did she say stick it?
165
00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:21,689
Steal it?
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00:11:21,690 --> 00:11:23,590
I'm chaperoning Squeaky Frome.
167
00:11:25,330 --> 00:11:26,870
I'll see you back at the house.
168
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,300
I bought them popcorn, okay?
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00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:48,700
That a boy.
170
00:11:51,180 --> 00:11:54,660
You know, you save a little money by
buying in quantity.
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00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,380
That's my little consumer tip for
tonight.
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00:11:58,260 --> 00:12:01,800
And for those of you who are upset that
you missed the end of the ninja movie,
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00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:05,900
let me just tell you that the head ninja
comes in, gets beheaded, and then he's
174
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:06,980
not the head ninja anymore.
175
00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:16,840
Oh, well, you know, Grant helped me pick
them out.
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00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,300
Kim, could you excuse us for a minute?
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00:12:20,620 --> 00:12:22,580
I have to talk to my Uncle Gary alone.
178
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,320
Yeah, fine. I have to use the restroom.
179
00:12:26,420 --> 00:12:28,700
Oh, the ladies' room is the second door
on the left.
180
00:12:29,380 --> 00:12:31,340
It's the door that's marked Muchachas.
181
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,740
I don't... I don't know... Hi, guys.
182
00:12:36,460 --> 00:12:40,500
Oh, hi, Dan. Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
Grant, how did your date go?
183
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:41,860
Gary stole my girlfriend.
184
00:12:45,230 --> 00:12:46,890
Nance, I did not steal his girlfriend.
185
00:12:47,330 --> 00:12:49,010
Liar. Look at his lion eyes.
186
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,350
Gary, what is Grant talking about?
187
00:12:52,590 --> 00:12:54,970
I'm talking about making time with my
baby.
188
00:12:58,210 --> 00:13:02,830
Nancy, will you excuse us? I want to
talk to the snake alone.
189
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,570
Gary. Out, woman.
190
00:13:07,070 --> 00:13:10,750
I'm out, man. Snake, I'll be outside.
I'll talk to you in a minute.
191
00:13:12,590 --> 00:13:13,870
You know, Grant...
192
00:13:14,990 --> 00:13:18,390
I'm your best friend. I'm your Uncle
Gary. I would never steal your
193
00:13:18,910 --> 00:13:20,150
Put a cork in it, Shanling.
194
00:13:22,670 --> 00:13:26,050
Every week, you try to pick up all the
actresses on the show.
195
00:13:26,250 --> 00:13:27,630
But to do to this.
196
00:13:29,590 --> 00:13:33,250
Grant, that's the oldest 12 -year -old
I've ever met in my life.
197
00:13:34,050 --> 00:13:37,970
And I'm not sure, to be honest with you,
that this is the right girl for you.
198
00:13:38,970 --> 00:13:41,110
Oh, but she's right for you.
199
00:13:41,450 --> 00:13:42,450
No.
200
00:13:57,130 --> 00:14:01,750
You know, this is my first time
chaperoning, and maybe you can tell me
201
00:14:01,750 --> 00:14:03,470
doesn't always go like this, does it?
202
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:08,310
Gary, you know, I don't remember the
last time I needed change to go to the
203
00:14:08,310 --> 00:14:09,310
bathroom.
204
00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:13,610
Well, okay, so I have pay toilets. So
what?
205
00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:15,790
The paper towels are free.
206
00:14:17,710 --> 00:14:19,770
Tim, can I see you outside now?
207
00:14:20,290 --> 00:14:21,730
Sure, Grant. What's going on?
208
00:14:22,050 --> 00:14:23,050
Outside. Now.
209
00:14:34,070 --> 00:14:37,990
Gary, I had never seen Grant so riled
up. What's going on?
210
00:14:38,310 --> 00:14:39,670
Oh, Nance, it was a nightmare.
211
00:14:39,910 --> 00:14:44,050
The girl ignored Grant the whole night
and just talked to me. I didn't know
212
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:44,969
to do.
213
00:14:44,970 --> 00:14:46,370
How do you do it?
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00:14:46,870 --> 00:14:49,850
How do I do what? You ruin dates when
you're not even on them.
215
00:14:53,570 --> 00:14:54,690
It's a gift, I guess.
216
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:19,580
I wasn't saying, oh, my God, because I
was having a religious experience.
217
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:26,000
I saw him steal my... Uh -oh. What? Uh
-oh. What's the matter? Uh -oh, here
218
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,000
comes the dream sequence.
219
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:33,840
Uh -oh. Uh -oh. Oh, I hate these. I hate
these.
220
00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:35,140
Oh, no.
221
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:36,820
Everything's getting wavy. Oh, no.
222
00:16:41,930 --> 00:16:46,590
moose in this one. Oh, Gary, I'm so
sorry. Those are so draining.
223
00:16:48,710 --> 00:16:50,770
I gotta go find those kids.
224
00:16:51,050 --> 00:16:52,050
Okay. Oh.
225
00:16:52,270 --> 00:16:53,930
Oh, no, wait. Oh, no. Oh, no,
226
00:16:54,870 --> 00:16:55,709
it was a false alarm.
227
00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:56,710
All right.
228
00:16:57,070 --> 00:16:58,070
I'll be right back.
229
00:17:00,590 --> 00:17:03,810
You know,
230
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:09,170
Grant, I had no idea you were such a
wild man.
231
00:17:09,430 --> 00:17:10,430
Hey!
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00:17:21,390 --> 00:17:22,390
I am a gang.
233
00:17:23,430 --> 00:17:26,910
You know, Grant, I really do like your
style.
234
00:17:27,910 --> 00:17:30,870
Hey, look, let's hit the open road and
go to Vegas.
235
00:17:31,490 --> 00:17:32,870
Hey, what? Go where?
236
00:17:33,750 --> 00:17:34,750
Vegas.
237
00:17:35,670 --> 00:17:39,110
I'll go in and pack a few things, make a
couple of sandwiches, and then we're
238
00:17:39,110 --> 00:17:40,110
out of here. Vegas?
239
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,460
Kim, I have a clarinet lesson in the
morning.
240
00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:02,080
Mr. McAllister will kill me. I have a
recital on Saturday and all my mom's
241
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,080
friends will be there.
242
00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:08,340
Grant, Grant, thank God you're all
right. I'm sorry I took your call.
243
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,480
I'm sorry. Please take me home.
244
00:18:11,620 --> 00:18:12,620
It's okay.
245
00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:15,160
It's all right. It's over now, Grant.
246
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:16,480
Wait a minute, Grant.
247
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,420
What about our trip to Las Vegas?
248
00:18:19,980 --> 00:18:22,460
Oh, I think Vegas is off for tonight.
249
00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:26,370
I think we can continue this
relationship.
250
00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:28,510
You make me really nervous.
251
00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:30,170
Yeah, me too.
252
00:18:31,130 --> 00:18:32,530
Come on, Grant, get in the car.
253
00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:36,050
Slide all the way over. I'll drive.
Going home.
254
00:18:36,770 --> 00:18:39,310
Go home, have a little talk and some ice
cream, okay?
255
00:18:40,290 --> 00:18:41,290
All right.
256
00:18:41,890 --> 00:18:43,870
What a couple of dorks.
257
00:18:47,230 --> 00:18:49,550
Well, it takes one to know one.
258
00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:02,930
I guess I just went crazy because I
wanted Kim to like me so bad.
259
00:19:03,230 --> 00:19:05,890
Well, I know that feeling, but, you
know, in all the years I've been dating,
260
00:19:05,890 --> 00:19:08,190
never tried to impress a girl by
stealing a car.
261
00:19:09,490 --> 00:19:10,790
You know, I bought them cars.
262
00:19:13,550 --> 00:19:15,050
Okay, I've rented them cars.
263
00:19:16,510 --> 00:19:17,690
Okay, I rented the girl.
264
00:19:20,270 --> 00:19:23,370
But you were right, Uncle Gary. She
wasn't the girl for me.
265
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:25,310
Maybe there isn't one.
266
00:19:25,550 --> 00:19:27,990
Hey, Grant, come on. You've had one
date, you know.
267
00:19:28,430 --> 00:19:31,610
There'll be plenty of girls out there
who like you for who you are. I hope
268
00:19:31,610 --> 00:19:32,610
you're right.
269
00:19:32,930 --> 00:19:36,030
Uncle Gary, are you going to tell my
parents I stole your car?
270
00:19:36,390 --> 00:19:40,670
Oh, don't think so, Grant. I chaperoned
a date that ended up in a felony.
271
00:19:42,130 --> 00:19:44,490
I think we can keep this our little
secret, okay?
272
00:19:45,090 --> 00:19:46,090
It's a deal.
273
00:19:46,110 --> 00:19:48,910
Yeah, and that goes for you folks at
home, too, okay?
274
00:19:49,330 --> 00:19:51,830
Don't tell anybody anything about this,
all right?
275
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:57,850
And I hope you enjoyed tonight's show
because the explosive issue was...
276
00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:59,040
chaperoning.
277
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,040
And the lesson we learned was, I'm no
good at it.
278
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:09,780
And next week's explosive issue is, pen
pals, do we really need to know what
279
00:20:09,780 --> 00:20:10,780
they look like?
280
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:16,360
Also, by the way, if you know where I
can get any car insurance, I'd really
281
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:19,220
appreciate it because my cancellation
notice just came.
282
00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:20,500
All right?
283
00:20:20,940 --> 00:20:26,420
Uncle Gary, since tonight's show was
about me, which I really do appreciate.
284
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,200
Well, it was really about me and
chaperoning, Grant.
285
00:20:30,820 --> 00:20:37,680
That's what you want, but... Anyway,
what I
286
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:41,480
really wanted to ask you was, can I play
the closing theme song on my fair
287
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,320
clarinet that I keep in your wine rack?
288
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,640
Sure, Grant, that's what it's there for.
289
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:48,880
Thanks!
290
00:20:49,930 --> 00:20:53,230
And you folks at home, you know, feel
free to join in. Get your instruments
291
00:20:53,230 --> 00:20:57,810
of your wine racks and just play along
with Grant because I think you know it
292
00:20:57,810 --> 00:20:58,810
was my show.
293
00:20:59,310 --> 00:21:01,330
Okay. Hello, big man. My show.
23723
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