Original subtitles

nice welcome to our second show i i know what you're thinking right off the bat

he's in a robe um and uh this is my robe and and it's uh a stylish

one at that isn't it i mean and all my clothes look like this guys just don't

know how to dress do we guys i mean they should they should put expiration dates

on clothing so we know when they go out of style

It's just a shot in the dark with a man. There's a guy in the audience tonight.

He's wearing one of those sweaters tied around his shoulders.

This is the dumbest look of all.

I swear to God, I think these guys think that it looks cool, right? I think it

looks like they can't dress themselves. I think they're home going, honey, I

can't get this on. I'll just tie it on. Maybe nobody will notice, you know?

I always wonder if they have their socks tied around their ankles.

But I'm in my robe because, you know, I'm kind of burned out after the first

show, and I'm just going to relax tonight, which is great because the show

really doesn't revolve around me tonight.

It's really about my married friend Pete and his wife Jackie.

You didn't get to meet Jackie last week because we hadn't cast her yet.

And I think you get to meet Lewis in this show, too, if he shows up on time.

really don't know ourselves whether he's even going to be on the show.

So this works out great. I'm going to be able to catch up on some reading.

I'm just going to find a good book. You can enjoy the show, and I'll see you all

next week, okay?

Good night, everybody.

See ya.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show.

Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

No, no, this show's not about me.

No, no, I told you it's about Pete and Jackie, my married friend and his wife.

They're having some marital problems, but you're still going to love them.

They're so great, they should have their own show. I'm just going to sit here

and listen to...

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, read by Dick Cavett.

Boy,

there should be some really good interviews in here as well, I guess.

We'll probably find out more about Injun Joe than we ever wanted to know.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain.

You don't know about me without you've read a book by the name of The

of Tom Sawyer, but that ain't no matter.

Aunt Polly.

That's Tom's Aunt Polly, she is. And Mary and the Widow Douglas is all told

about in that book. And the way that the book winds up is this.

Tom and me found the money that the robbers hid in the cave.

Now,

gentlemen, let's see how well your wives have predicted what you will say.

Remember, these questions will now be worth ten points. And here's our first

one. Gentlemen, when you're lying in your usual sleeping position, do most of

your chest hairs point towards the east, the west, the north, or the south?

Tony?

South. South. She said most of your chest hair is definitely going right

the south.

Mickey.

South. South. She said those little devils point right to the south.

Both of them. Yeah. They just curl.

Okay. Your turn, Pete.

Well, it's definitely north by northwest.

I'm positive.

Yeah.

South? Yes.

How could you say north by northwest?

You idiot.

Up and down amongst the shadows.

The moon was shining.

The sun was shining.

It made it most as light as day.

I poked along well onto an hour.

Everything still was rocks.

What was that, about a one -minute scene you just saw?

Oh, God, I can see it coming now. I'm not going to get through this book.

I'm going to have to find out all about Aunt Polly in the bathroom.

Oh, Pete.

Gary, forget about it.

Hey, Pete, I'm not even supposed to be in tonight's show.

What's the problem?

Jackie and I got no points again this week. Oh, Pete.

Pete, you've been watching the newlywed game again.

Pete, we've gone through this before.

It's just a television show. You can't put that much stock in it. Gary, it's

the fact that we never win the grand prize selected especially for us.

It's just that we've been beaten by a sailor and his mail -order bride who've

been married for three days. Three days, Gary. That was Tuesday, and I've been

married for 14 years. Why are you wearing a robe?

Pete, I've seen you like this before. When was the last time you and Jackie

spent a romantic evening alone together?

Just last June.

The Dodger -Cubs game.

That was romantic. It was seat cushion night.

Why don't you and Jackie go up to Santa Barbara for the weekend?

Okay, Gary, that's a good idea. I know.

Maybe next month.

Why not now?

I can't now. I just can't go now. Why not?

Because I'm not a now kind of guy.

Pete, you gotta go now. It's only a half hour show.

For the sake of time, why don't we say I've already called Santa Barbara, I've

made the reservations for you, you call Jackie, she's all excited, she's on her

way over now to tell you how excited she is about the trip, and here she is now.

Sometimes I feel like Rod Serling.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hi, honey. Hi, Jackie.

We can't go on our trip.

Well, I couldn't get anyone to stay with Grant on such short notice.

You see, you have to plan things in advance.

Gary likes to do things now. Why don't I take care of Grant for a couple days?

Oh, well, that's very kind of you, Gary, but... Yeah, it's too kind.

I mean, way too kind. Too kind by far.

We can make this trip another time, but thanks for the offer. It was very kind.

Yeah, it was the kindest. I'll see you, pal. Hey, what's the problem? I can take

care of Grant.

What am I?

Look, Gary, we've been through this before.

I mean, you're a good friend to Beth, but let's face it. I mean, being

responsible is hardly one of your strong suits. Oh, come on. I'm not that bad.

Well, the one time you took care of our plants, they died.

Yeah, but they were old. Maybe it was their time to go.

Yeah, maybe, maybe. But what about the tropical fish?

Hey, I fed them.

You overfed them. They exploded.

They were pigs.

I've never seen fish eat like that in my life, I swear to God.

What about when we left our cat with you?

Well, we found him, didn't we?

Yeah, most of them.

Well, hey, he learned to hop.

You know, let's face it, Jackie. I mean, Gary has grown a lot, but he's hardly

the most mature person we know. Oh, this is great. Hey, I'm a grown man. I have

my own television show. I can talk to anybody I want to.

And I don't think I want to come home and find our son in a bathrobe at 4 o

'clock in the afternoon.

Oh, this is great, Bruce. Now they're talking about me in front of me.

It's like I don't speak the language. The next thing you know, they'll be

spelling out words.

And remember the time I lent them my saw and he left it out in the rain?

Oh, now they're bringing up inanimate objects.

Hi, Pete. Jackie.

Hi. What's going on?

We're just talking about going to Santa Barbara this weekend.

Oh, great.

So romantic. Oh, the sunsets, the restaurants, the halibut.

They have very fresh halibut in Santa Barbara.

Nancy, it looks like we might not be able to go unless we leave Grant with

Where is Gary?

He's over there where he always goes when we talk about him in front of him.

Gary, come on over here. No, no, I'm fine over here. I'm very comfortable.

Okay, come over here right now, mister.

Oh, all right.

We're not paying you enough.

look the three of us in the eye and say, honestly, I can take care of another

living human being?

Well, I could take a shot at it.

Well, what about if I help Gary?

I'd feel a lot better. I love taking care of kids. As long as I'm looking

one kid, what's one more?

Human being?

Was it living? Living human being? I could take care of another... Give it to

one more time.

Son, don't give Uncle Gary any trouble. I'll be good, Dad.

Nancy is coming over, right, Gary? Yes, for the third time.

Yes, she's coming over. Okay, and you have our number in Santa Barbara. Right.

And I gave you our doctor's number.

Yes. And my mother's number in Ohio. Right.

And one more thing.

Grant is allergic to shellfish.

Oh, gee, that means he won't be able to wear that necklace I bought him.

See you, son.

Bye, Dad.

This is going to be fine.

Have a wonderful trip.

See you, Gary. I'll see you.

Oh.

Boy, he never kisses me on the forehead.

Well, Grant, here we are all alone.

Well, Uncle Gary.

I think that could be a little dangerous, Grant. Maybe, um... Why,

It's just... dark.

Why don't you just take a little, uh, nap, maybe, until your parents come home

from Santa Barbara? What do you think?

There's a little robe in the bathroom.

That's a bowling ball. If that had hit you, I'd be in big trouble. Of course,

would have raised my average.

But, Grant, you've got to promise to be very careful.

I'll be careful. I'm telling you.

Go in there. There's a robe in there.

Where the hell is that music coming from?

I'm scared. Look, it's the chainsaw. It's a chainsaw, Grant.

You could cut off a finger and have to become a shop teacher.

I knew something was going to happen all during that doorbell sequence. There

was no background music whatsoever.

I'm thinking it's too quiet. It's way too quiet.

Brian, are you okay? Lewis, why did you ring the bell and open the door?

A person either rings the bell or opens the door.

I rang the bell and then I tried the door. The bell isn't a warning device.

don't ring it so that everybody backs away from the door.

I'm sorry. I will never do that again. It hurts, Uncle Gary.

Open his eye. My life is over, Lewis.

Let me see, Grant.

Oh, God. Hopefully it's nothing worse than a black eye.

I'll get some ice from the freezer. How about that? Why don't you get in the

freezer, Lewis?

Stay in there. Sit down in my beauty parlor chair. No, not a haircut.

Another haircut, please.

Grant, I'm not going to give you a haircut. You were out of ice. This is

could find. This is a veal chop. I'm not going to put a frozen veal chop on his

eye. Okay, then I'll do it. Would you? Okay, just make it easy. Hi, Lewis. Hi,

Nance. Oh, hi, Nance. Uncle Gary, it's the frosting.

What's the frosting?

Nothing. Gary, what's Grant doing with a frozen veal chop on his face?

It's a game.

It's a game. Yeah, yeah, I'll get the tomato sauce.

Yeah.

We're cooking on Grant's face. We're cooking on Grant's face.

They poked my eye out.

No. Gary! Nancy, we did not poke his eye out. They did so. Look under the couch.

He just got hit in the head with the door. That's all.

Gary, he's been here, what, two minutes and 30 seconds? That's not true. He's

been here well over four minutes.

Gary, how could you let this happen already? Grant, let me take a look at

Oh, God. Can you open your eye?

Only the one that's still in my head. Let's look.

I think we ought to get him to an eye doctor.

Aunt Nancy, am I going to need one of those special dogs?

Let's take my motorcycle.

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. He's still got one eye left.

I'm going to be in a robe on a motorcycle.

Well, all right, you've seen me in my robe, and now you're seeing me in my

pajamas, okay?

See the G .S.? Okay, I stole these from Gale Storm.

There,

I said it.

You owe me. I want to know what you're wearing right now.

Will you write in and tell me?

Send me a photo?

Great, that would be great.

And while you're looking for your camera, let me tell you that we took

the eye doctor, right? And he has just a little scratch on his cornea. It's

really nothing.

Now, it's nothing major. I know it sounds worse than it is. Believe me,

just got to keep a patch on for a couple days, and that's it, and then he's

going to be fine.

But, you know, I really feel horrible about this whole thing.

Grant?

What are the odds of that, Grant?

That's what I thought.

So what's bothering you, Grant? Does your eye hurt?

No. Then what is it?

I feel bad that I got you in trouble again.

I always do.

No, you don't. Sure I do.

No, you don't. Like the time we threw Alka -Seltzers in the pool?

Right. And you got blamed for it? Yeah, it was my idea, wasn't it? It was great.

Remember how surprised those people were when all the bubbles came up? And they

kept trying to blame each other? Yeah, that was funny.

Well, what about the time I kicked a football through the window?

No, that was my fault again. We shouldn't have been playing in the

store.

I just wanted to apologize.

Oh, that's really nice of you. But everything's going to work out fine,

I hope so, Uncle Gary.

It will.

I promise.

Uncle Gary?

What? What are those life jackets down there for?

Oh, those are from when I used to have a waterbed, Grant.

It's something I'll explain to you when you get a little older.

Thanks for the talk, Uncle Gary. No, thank you, Grant. This is the longest

conversation I've ever had in my bedroom without the other person begging to get

out.

Good night, Grant. I'll see you tomorrow.

Sleep well.

I will.

He's a great kid, isn't he? Kind of reminds me of Bob's big boy.

Anyway, and you don't even notice that eye patch, do you?

Well, maybe when Pete and Jackie see it, they'll understand and everything will

be fine.

Otherwise, I think, you know, I'm really, really tired.

And I'm just going to fall asleep right now. In fact... I'm so tired, you're not

going to believe how fast I am going to fall asleep.

Here lies Grant Elliot Schumacher, a wonderful, vivacious 12 -year -old,

cut down in his youth by Gary Shandling, who will hopefully burn in hell for

what he has done.

I don't understand this. He was just hit in the eye with a door.

It started with his eye and spread to his brain.

Our only son.

Tell by you.

No, I was careful. I swear.

This is the worst nightmare I've ever had.

Don't adjust your set. I dream in black and white.

Much the way our parents must have before there was color.

Murder!

Gary Shanling, a man who can't fulfill his responsibilities.

To him I say, please!

Can a priest do that?

And to the parents of Grant, Mr.

and Mrs. Schumacher, I can only assure you that in his infinite wisdom, he will

deal with him accordingly.

You tell him that he needn't bother taking care of him because I plan to.

him, Pete. Get him now.

No, don't listen to her, Pete.

No, we're best friends. Don't shoot.

And you killed our child while we were eating halibut in Santa Barbara.

Shoot him, honey. Shoot the bastard.

But, honey, what are you going to do? The second that the gun goes off, Gary

will wake up and this nightmare will be over.

Oh, no, he won't. Use this silencer.

No, Pete, don't do this. At the end of our friendship, Mr.

Irresponsibility, Mr. I -can't -take -care -of -anything... Mr.

Jerk!

Oh, Pete!

I never thought he was funny, either.

That was the worst dream I've ever had.

Except for that girl at the end. Who was that girl?

And why did she blurt out the truth like that?

Come on.

Come on, get in bed with me. Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

It was driving me crazy.

Since this morning, I've taken two naps, and I still can't get that girl back in

my dreams.

What is this?

Oh, God. Oh, God, it's them.

We're not here. Where are we? I don't know. We're just not here.

Gary, we can't do this forever.

We can do it till the end of the show.

They're going to want the kid back.

Oh, this isn't going to work.

They're staring right at us.

Come on in.

Oh, hi. We didn't hear the doorbell. Hi.

Well, the lovebirds have returned.

It was just what we needed. We got a chance to spend time alone together,

candlelit dinners, make walks along the beach.

We really got to know each other just like a honeymooner.

We had sex.

Some great halibut.

That's just great.

Oh, and we got you each one of these for taking such good care of Grant.

Oh, no, you shouldn't have. They're Redwood clocks.

No two are alike.

Well, you know, we have to talk to you about Grant.

What? Well, the thing is... Lauren, it is!

Lauren, the place is... Hi,

Drew. Hey, hiya, son. You look terrific.

Hey, be careful with that saw. You could put somebody's eye out.

We really missed you, honey.

Mom, Uncle Gary took real good care of me.

Oh, and we mistrusted him. You know, Gary, I'm sorry.

I have to apologize to you right now. No, no, Jackie. I can tell you felt so

you weren't with us. We got you this so you could see where we were. A view

master. A view master?

No, so look through there with both eyes. It's like a 3D effect.

Whoa, that fishing boat's coming right at me. Lewis, just give it to me.

Jackie, Pete, listen.

I have to tell you something. Grant's really not a pirate. What? He got hit in

the eye with a door.

Oh, my God. It's nothing serious, really. I knew it. I just knew it. No,

my... It was my fault. I was the one. I opened the door and hit him in the eye.

I'm really sorry. No, it's nothing serious, I swear.

No, really, Jackie. He's only going to have to wear this patch for a couple of

days. It's really nothing. Gary, you broke my son. No, Pete, don't do this.

Our son is now broken. I don't believe you broke our son. He's not broken. He's

just a little nick.

It's nothing.

Just a little nick. Let's go. We're getting out of here. Come on, Jackie.

Because it was my fault. I opened the door and hit the kid in the eye. I'm

sorry. No, it was my responsibility to watch Grant. No, it was my

to watch him watch Grant. It was my fault for having...

Okay,

enough. Just enough now.

We blame him.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot, pal.

Well, you know, all in all, I think they took it pretty well.

I'm down 44 to nothing.

These guys are killing me.

Can't be fun for them.

Normally, Pete would be helping me out, but obviously... Hey, come on, cut it

out. Normally, when he's not returning my calls... Who's he talking to?

Don't listen. It's a trick.

I have nothing to live for. What the hell?

I might as well try to drive on these guys.

Goodbye, everybody.

Gary was sorry. Jackie and I overreacted.

What is 62?

Pete, apology accepted.

Discard mark. Hey, Gary, don't let me down so easy. We've been friends for a

long time, and I'm willing to throw it away for an accident. Thank God I have a

friend like you.

48 to 2.

Your man's closing in on Wilkes' record.

Gary, Gary, I've got so much to tell you. We had sex. We had halibut. We had

sex. I love you, Gary Shanley.

You want to play another one, or are you guys going to kiss some more?

Could you let me talk to my friend a second?

Thanks. Would you not kiss me in front of these guys?

Let's just forget everything and be the way we were, okay? I accept your

apology. Okay, and as far as I'm concerned, you can take care of Grant

Thanks very much.

Why would I want to do that? We've already done that show.

Anyway, everything worked out great.

Pete's my friend again.

Grant's eye is going to be just fine. You know.

And I think we've learned something very special tonight.

Evidently, there's a strange connection between sex and halibut.

I don't know what it is, but I'm going to investigate it as soon as I'm

with this show.

And I want to apologize to Dick Cavett for not getting through your book

tonight, Dick, but I promise you, the next chance I get.

Anyway, we're going to play basketball now all the way through the closing

credits, and it's not going to be a pretty picture, really. So if you have

get them away from the set.

And I'll see you all next week, okay? Good night, everybody.