Original subtitles

What are you making? It smells like boiled cabbage and funky socks.

Don't blame my cooking. It's takeout.

It's coming from you.

Oh, you must be smelling my new cologne.

Swagger.

Your swagger is making my throat close.

Well, Grace, my girlfriend likes it. Did I mention I have a girlfriend? And I

don't mean like, hey, girlfriend. I mean, hey, girlfriend.

But you want to keep being your girlfriend. You better water down that

I already watered it down. The gas station sells it as a powder.

Stephanie, do you know how many cats are put to sleep each year?

Get off my back. It's takeout.

I just read online that three out of four cats who go into city shelters

leave. They must really like it there.

Gabby, if this is all leading to you wanting a cat, the answer is no.

They just need to find a home.

You bring one in here, you'll need to find a home.

I've become my father.

Can someone pass me the steak knife? I got it, baby. I got it.

Aw, look at us.

We're like a mama and a baby kangaroo.

I don't want to be in your pouch.

I'm tired of being treated like a baby.

How do I treat you like a baby? You pick out all my clothes.

Well, I like to dress you like a little businessman.

I like that, too.

But at least let me do my own laundry.

Well, the lady from the news says you could fall in the washing machine.

Dad, you cannot fall into a front loader. I've tried.

I'm old enough to do, if you will let me. Like what?

Like walk home from school. All the other kids in my class are allowed to do

You know, I walked home from school when I was six.

What, your family couldn't afford a covered wagon?

I'm just saying that Aaron is not a baby, so there's no need to treat him

one. Hold that thought, Charlie. Oh, sweetie, you got a little something on

cheek. Oh, and something on this cute little cheek.

Cheek, cheek, cheek!

See what you mean.

it one more time. You are walking home from school all by yourself when you

up to a crosswalk. No traffic light. What do you do?

Look both ways. Proceed with caution.

Stay in the white line.

Very good.

Deer cropping.

Stop. Wait. Do not ride the deer.

Some of these cards seem really patronizing.

Stranger offers you candy. What do you do? Ask him his name. Then he's not a

stranger anymore.

I'm sorry, Charlie. He's not ready.

Steph, I was kidding.

I don't think Aaron is the one who's not ready.

Okay, fine.

He can walk home. But tomorrow, we start homeschool.

We've been trying to pass out flyers all day. People just keep throwing them

away. Nobody wants to adopt shelter cats.

Why don't you just shove a bunch of them in people's mailboxes? That way they

have to take them. But how do we get cats to stay in a mailbox?

He meant the flyers.

at the cats, didn't you?

Yeah.

Great. How did you know where I live?

I followed your scent.

So the gas station guy was right. The ladies will come a -calling.

I have something for you. I want to give it to you before my eyes start burning.

I wrote you a love letter. I spent all day doing it. Oh, wow. Thank you.

Now you have to write me one, and not a text or an email.

So Twitter, Instagram, Vine, Snapchat, how you want it?

I want it on paper, handwritten, and romantic.

And I'd like it by Friday.

Man, relationships have homework?

You don't know the half of it.

Stephanie left me another shopping list.

Oh, man, I hate buying those.

I can't believe you, Stephanie.

You said I could walk home by myself.

I happen to be in the area.

You followed me the whole way, and then you got stuck in that bush, and I had to

pull you out.

Really?

I am not over -mothering him, Charlie.

Really? Okay, maybe a little.

Really? Okay, a lot.

stepmom. I have to be twice the mother just to be average, and three times to

above average, and I want to be an excellent mom.

Stephanie, I need your help with this. I don't have time for you, boy. I'm

dealing with something.

Dear Gray, I like your face.

It's in the right place.

heard about your little romance problem.

Here. What are these?

My old love letters.

Maybe there's something in there that can help you with yours.

Maggie, you are a generous soul, a generous spirit, and a generous woman.

I paid his rent for six months.

Come on. Another one. There's got to be something good in there.

Maggie, you are a gazelle. You are an eagle. You are a lioness.

He was a dog.

Maggie, come by at 7 and don't forget the ground beef. Who is he? My ex

-husband.

None of those work. I've tried poetry, doodles, I even tried movie quotes, but

all I could come up with is, Grace, I am your father.

Ooh, how about song lyrics? You know, something really romantic like, uh,

that song.

Oh, that song. I can hear it in my head, but I can't remember the name. Oh,

here. Sing it. My phone has an app that can name any song.

Oh.

Mama, mama, baby, baby, baby.

Ow. Uh -huh.

What's it say? What's it say?

There are three hospitals in our area.

Stephanie, relax.

Aaron will be fine. It's just a little walk, half a mile. The lady on the news

says a hundred bad things can happen in half a mile.

They just do those stories for ratings. The lady on the news said you'd say

that.

What is the name of that stupid song?

It's making me crazy.

What's wrong with you?

Aaron's taking a little walk.

Hey, little guy, little legs, that's what they do.

Grandma Maggie, you're my last hope.

There's these cats that need adopting.

No can do. Take one look at those furry faces and I'm going to have to have one.

Single woman looking for love. I can't have cats to all of that.

Cat won't leave you for your best friend.

Ooh, that's the last time I share with you.

You found your son wandering the streets alone.

I ran away from...

Just like you told me, Stephanie.

I meant that with strangers.

Hey, I don't know these guys.

Everything's fine, officer. He was just walking home alone from school.

We consider that inadvisable for children under 13.

When I was six... No one cares, Charlie.

I can't believe you sent my baby out there alone. Come here, sweetie. I will

never let your mean old daddy push you out in the cold again.

Is there a problem here? Not with me, officer. I care about these kids.

Right, and I don't care at all. Well, you didn't care. He wasn't home. If it

were up to you, you'd shove him out in traffic and see how it goes.

Well, it's better than your way. Uh -oh, he's been in the house two seconds. Why

isn't he handcuffed to the radiator? Careful, he could get out.

Oh, man, we're going to be filling out paperwork all night.

Paperwork? For what? He was just walking home from school.

You're talking about handcuffing your kid to a radiator.

No, no, no, no. I was just fighting with my wife. We fight all the time.

That's another form.

Wait, wait, wait. What's happening here?

Well, based on what we've heard, we need to file a report.

You folks can expect a call from child services.

What?

Child services?

Oh, services for children. I hope they send a bouncy house.

taking Aaron. Oh, says the man who let Aaron walk home alone. You heard the

officer's trolley. That's inadvisable!

What has happened to the world? When I was six... Would you stop talking about

when you were six? Were you ever another age? Or did you just go from being six

to a bald -headed pain in my butt?

When I was six, I left my house in the morning, rode my bike, played in the

woods all day, and my mother didn't know where I was. Better yet, she didn't

care. That's love!

Is everything in black and white?

Then it is not your childhood.

It is a place where if they pick him up for walking alone, they can take him

away for any reason they want, even for something stupid like they hate our

throw pillows. By the way, I hate our throw pillows. Fine.

What do you want me to get rid of? That stank attitude and that awful sweater.

What's wrong with this sweater?

Nothing, if we're going down to the freight yards to jump a train.

I think somebody is letting her crazy out. Is it crazy to want to keep my

Go upstairs and put on something professional.

Fine. But that was my napping pillow.

Hey, what happened to the lollipop? I stuck under the island.

I was saving it for an emergency.

Sorry, sweetie. It's in here with your emergency bologna sandwich.

Thanks.

You better hope there isn't a hurricane today, or I'm going hungry.

Sweetie, we've got a real emergency.

Let's go pick you out something nice to wear for the child services lady. Dad,

if I'm old enough to get arrested, I'm old enough to dress myself.

I've got my shirt suit all ready.

Perfect choice.

Because if I have to go to the orphanage, I want to be picked first.

Stop listening to James.

early.

It's an ambush.

Hi,

Mrs. Phillips.

James Elm? It's Friday and you owe me something.

Ah, this really isn't a good time. I can wait.

Jane! Door!

Make it quick. The lady will be here soon.

see you at school all day.

Except one time I thought I saw you duck into your own locker.

Oh, yeah, I just needed a quiet place to gently craft your love letter.

Does that mean you finished it? Oh, no, I've got it totally finished.

I'm just looking for the right quality paper to write it on. You know, mine is

only an 85 brightness, but girl, you at least a 92.

You know, James, it sounds like you're stalling. What?

I thought she wasn't worth writing this letter. She did something adorable like

that.

Maybe I can cut and paste all my dress together.

Church clothes, now.

What I'm wearing is fine.

James, put on something you could be buried in or you will be.

Got it. My titties.

Oh, that was close.

Not a good time, kitty cat. Stephanie's freaking.

Hey, Steph.

Gabby, put on some church clothes. Oh, how do I look?

Charlie, what are you wearing?

Well, you told me to dress professional. This is what people in my profession

wear. And I thought I'd help you look more professional, too, Miss Party

Planner.

Get upstairs and change for real.

Put on some church clothes. Our church, not the tambourine one you joined in the

70s.

I told you I did that for a girl.

needs her help. Are you dying, Mother? Because if not, I gotta go. No, no, no,

no, no, no. I can't stop thinking about that song.

Mama, mama, baby. That's not music. I can't help you.

What happened to my love letters? They're gone.

Well, if you're talking about all that trash on your desk, I threw it away. Now

get back upstairs and hit up those ashy elbows.

I don't want child services thinking we keep dry kids.

James, James, I need your help. That song.

All my love letters are gone. All my love letters are gone.

That's not it.

But it's catchy.

I can't remember what I wrote. I need those drafts.

Hey, Molly.

What's up?

No, James. One girl at a time.

Once people see these loving fluff balls, they won't be able to resist.

Ow! Hey, I saved your life, man.

Grandma Maggie, you said when you saw their faces, you wouldn't be able to

resist. Yeah, well, I say a lot of things when I'm not listening to you

Women. You know what I'm saying?

Not my audience.

Wrong bag.

table that lady's coming aaron your suit your

hair what attacked you you know when you said i couldn't do my own laundry or

give myself a trim you were not wrong

what is this i think they're cats i

see they're cats why are they cats we're just keeping them safe until someone

can adopt them

Don't. You have nine.

I should have cut my hair before I showered.

Oh, no. They're here.

Help me pick this up.

Sorry, Steph. I got my own problems.

I'm going to make a trail of tuna.

Really? The one patch of clean floor?

Okay. Is this churchy enough for you? What the?

Cats. Cats.

Cats. Garbage.

Well, what the heck happened to you?

I gave myself a trim.

You said it's going to be fine. That's when we were talking about throw

We're going to lose Aaron.

Look at us.

Why wouldn't she take all of the kids? It's obvious we're unfit parent.

Uh, guys, the late tears.

Welcome to our home.

I know it looks like this, but we can explain.

so frowning? Oh, she's kind of sneering.

Hey, someone help me get this jacket off of. I can't reach my arms all the way

back.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

Stephanie's not going away.

Probably.

So I herded the cat under the laundry basket and Molly's sitting on it.

I'll come right to the point.

This is the most appalling situation I have ever encountered.

The little one has fleas, one's rolling around in garbage, and I'm pretty sure

the girl is pregnant.

What?

Excuse me?

I'm going to have to take them all. Anything is better than this. It's

nice in here.

We have a prayer group.

I'm lying. We don't have a prayer group.

But if you take my kids, I'm going to need a prayer group.

Kids? I'm not talking about your kids. I'm talking about your cats.

And I'm taking them.

What now?

Yeah.

What about us being terrible parents?

Oh, please. I see ten families a day.

Your little one tried to get ready by himself.

That one lost something in the garbage. And the older woman has Tourette's.

I got your Tourette's right here.

Yep, yep,

that's what it is.

I am so glad you understand.

So, can you help me gather those three rescue cats?

This is your lucky day. There are nine.

How big is your car?

Hey, James.

I'm sorry. I had some really good stuff for your letter, but it got thrown out.

James, I have something to tell you.

I met another boy in mime class.

We are trapped in a box together.

So I'm covered in garbage for nothing?

You know what?

Fine. Don't need you.

Grace, take me back.

Oh, no. He's thrown himself on the hood of her mom's car, and the neighbors are

watching. Don't look at us like that, Mrs. Meharry.