All language subtitles for instant_mom_s03e16_smarty_bowl

Hey, hon. Hey, babe.

Aaron, what are you doing out of school?

He got an award yesterday, so I'm giving
him a ditch day.

Well, that must have been some award to
earn a whole day off school. What was it

for? Perfect attendant.

Seriously? Seriously?

Was that a smart move?

Are you kidding? It was genius!

First, Steph drove me by my school so we
could laugh at everyone who had to be

there. I sure did. And then I said,
don't tell your dad.

Wait, she gets smarter.

Then Steph wanted a manicure, so for me
she invented a boyacure.

She is the smartest person I've ever
met.

You know I'm a surgeon, right?

Don't be jealous, Charlie.

Green's not a good color on you. I know
that because I'm smart.

Hello?

Oh, shoot.

I forgot to call in Aaron's absence.

Uh, yes. I'm sorry. He's sick.

What's he sick with?

Uh, he's got a cough.

A really bad cough.

I don't know what kind of cough. I'm not
a doctor.

Tell her about the Boyacure.

Uh, it's a cough.

You know, a whooping cough.

Anyway, he'll be back tomorrow. Thanks
for calling. Bye.

Oh, that is one nosy main office lady.

Why would you say whooping cough?

Because it sounds dickier than a regular
cough.

Wait, is whooping cough a real thing?

Because it sounds fun.

Whoop, whoop.

Now,

whooping cough is a serious, highly
contagious disease.

Put down this stethoscope, Charlie.
Nobody thinks I meant whooping cough.

Hello?

Oh, that's fine. Thank you.

Yeah, they think I meant whooping cough.

Aaron can't go back to school until he's
cleared by his doctor, and we bring in

all his vaccination records.

I told you he was a genius!

I am never going back to school!

Aaron's culture so we can get him back
in school.

How did they get it in their heads that
he had whooping cough anyway?

Probably some crazy mom acting all
crazy.

I see it all the time. So do I.

Hi, hi, hi.

Oh, Charlie Phillips.

Who's your friend?

Hi, I'm Dr. Fine. Why, yes, you are.

He's also leaving.

Thanks for the house call, Percy.

I'll see you on the green. See you
there.

Charlie Phillips.

No, I will not set you up.

He is my favorite golf buddy. It's too
messy.

Charlie Phillips! Don't you threaten me,
woman.

All right, let's get back to all the
schoolwork your teacher sent over. You

a whole mess of math to do.

But it's fractions. I don't understand
those.

Oh, come on. You can do it. You can do
it because you're a genius.

Eight eighths plus five twenty -fourths.

Oh.

That?

You just, uh, you know, you, uh, grab
some of those twenty -fourths and a

handful of those eighths, do the thing
with the other thing, get all up in

there, and you're good.

I must be way behind because that just
sounded like a bunch of words.

Could you do that again, but show your
work?

I'm sorry, buddy.

I can't do your homework for you. That's
just unethical. Well, can you at least

explain it? I know this doesn't have the
same bottom number, so how do I convert

it? Give it a pamphlet and hope it comes
around?

Oh, good.

You're here.

Aaron wants me to teach him fractions.

Nope. To get me out of gym class?

Nope. Fair enough.

Can't I get your autograph on this
random piece of paper?

Nice try, James.

But, Dad, it's Dodgeball Week. There's
this big kid, Dodgeball Dave, who waits

all year for the chance to hit kids in
the head with no repercussions.

Only concussions.

We've all been through this. It's part
of growing up. If you want me to grow

sign the note. They say he's killed
before.

I heard that Dr. Fine was coming over,
so I thought that I would ask him to

write me a prescription.

Ten milligrams of his bad self to be
taken at bedtime.

I told him to email the lab results.

Why'd you have to go and do that?

Open your coat.

Come on.

Open it.

That's why.

need is a letter saying that I have a
faulty heart from a prominent

cardiovascular surgeon.

But a letter from you would work, too.

You thought that helped?

Charlie, why won't you hook me up with
Dr. Fine?

Because I took an oath to protect human
life.

Don't protect mine. Write me a note.
It's getting empty. I can't tell which

of you is more desperate.

It's me!

You know, Dr.

Fine is my pediatrician.

If you take me to see him, I get a note,
and you get a date.

I like the way you think, James.

In that case, I think I have a little
fever.

I think I have one, too.

All I need is ten milligrams... Of his
bad self. You don't have to repeat it.

It's disturbing enough that a child
heard it once.

Hey, Gabby, I'm making some tea. Do you
want some?

Sure, thanks.

Okay, but if I made you twelve and one
-eighth cups and you only drank seven

one -fourth cups, I'd have a lot of tea
left over. How much tea would I have

left over?

Hold up.

Are you giving me a word problem?

No, but if it was, would you help a
sister out?

Having a little trouble with Aaron's
homework?

No, but if I was, would you help a
sister out?

Sure, Steph. I'll help you. If you'll
help me.

Okay. What do you want?

Those new sneakers with the blue
bottoms.

Those are really expensive.

I'm asking you to teach me fractions,
not drive me to the airport.

I have the money, but they go on sale
while I'm at school. I just need you to

stand in line and get me a pair before
they sell out.

I can do that.

Okay. Walk me through his homework so I
can pretend to be smart for Aaron. He

has me up on this pedestal, and I like
it there.

I can look down on your dad.

Hey, from up here, his head looks like a
little malted milk ball.

Oh, this is easy.

First, look for the lowest common
denominator.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up, math
whiz. Who do you think I am, the guy in

the talking wheelchair?

You ain't even the guy who played the
guy in the talking wheelchair.

Remember, you've got a little tummy
ache, so keep the moans rolling till I

his cell phone number.

My tummy ache's not going to be enough
to get me away from dodgeball days.

But I've done some research. I've got a
syndrome all picked out. Keep it simple.

We're not trying to start a telethon.

Okay, James, what's the problem? I'm
suffering from that disease called

-Eckbaum. Ah, restless leg syndrome.

Yeah, it's really going to be a problem
for gym class.

Oh, there it goes again. Can't dodge a
ball with these crazy limbs.

Or he could just be hopped up on
chocolate.

Do you like chocolate?

No.

Well, I doubt if you've got restless
legs, but let's check it out. Oh, it's

really bad today.

There it goes again.

It always wants to go west. There must
be rain coming.

Why don't I just hold it?

I love your bedside manner.

Is it good by any bed or...

Just the ones with paper.

Miss Turner, I think your grandson has a
little case of I want to skip school

-itis, if you know what I mean.

James, stop wasting the doctor's time.

I'm so sorry.

It's difficult being a single
grandmother who's still in her prime.

Oh, it's okay. You can waste my time
whenever you want.

Really, Dr.

Fine. Who do I care?

I get paid either way.

This is your fault.

All your wiggling distracted him from my
flirting.

You call that flirting?

Yeesh. No wonder you need a 13 -year
-old wingman.

Where are my shoes? Where are my shoes?
Where are my shoes?

Oh, hey, Gabby. How was school? You want
some trail mix?

Where? in shoe, shoe, shoes, did you
hear trail mix?

I didn't get them. I am so sorry. Want a
raisin?

I want my blue bottom sneakers.

What happened?

Well, the line was moving slow. I saw
these pants, and by the time I tried

on, all the blue bottoms were gone.

You stepped out of line for pants? They
were high -waisted. You know that's my

jam.

I saved up forever for those.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Here's your money back.

Why are there coins?

Well, I knew you'd be upset, so I bought
you your favorite pretzel.

This is half a pretzel.

There was a lot of traffic.

Make way for the Mads King.

I got A's on all that work you helped me
with, Steph.

Good job, buddy.

I guess I'm one of the smartest parents.

I guess you did.

Give me five.

Careful, buddy.

She'll just leave you hanging when she
sees a pair of mom jeans.

What happened?

Thanks to Stephanie, I don't have blue
bottoms.

Ooh, blue bottom.

That's a good symptom.

Guess what, Stephanie? No, no. Wait.

Please, let me tell her.

Aaron signed you up for the parent
versus teacher's math competition.

He signed me up for what now?

the Smarty Bowl.

They do it every year. I put you down as
team captain.

Why? Why would you do that?

Uh, because you're the smartest person
he knows.

You get to show the whole school how
smart you are at math.

Wow.

Smarty Bowl.

This news is like five -eighths as good
as getting my shoes.

What do you think?

Tomorrow you need to smudge more of that
purple shadow under your eyes. You

don't look thick enough to get that gym
note from Dr. Fine.

Yeah, but I'll be good once Grandma
Maggie starts flirting and I start

up.

Stephanie's making me want to throw up.
I helped that woman and she sold me out

for Pam.

Were they high -waisted? Because you
know that's her jam.

Gabby, can we talk?

I'll be behind the curtain. Why?

I'm wearing smoky eye. I don't need to
go all up in my business.

Look, I know you're still mad at me, and
I'm really sorry. So, here.

My sneakers?

Orange bottoms?

They're no cops.

I saved you a lot of money. Only you,
me, and that one -eyed guy from the

hardware store need to know.

Oh, and I could use your help with one
more little thing. Let me guess. You

me to coach you through that Smarty
Bowl.

Please? I need you to teach me.

You know, not a lot, just enough to win
and stay on Aaron's pedestal.

There's no way I could teach you that
much.

Are you sure?

Well, what am I going to do?

Well, I bet they've already written all
the questions.

Maybe I can get you the answers in
advance.

You mean cheat?

It's not like it's a test. It's a game.
You always cheat at games. Miss triple

word score on a made up word. Hey, hey,
hey.

Zyquick is a real word.

Use it in a sentence.

Stephanie won the game and you're being
a really big Zyquick.

Fine. I cheat a little.

So how are you going to get me those
answers?

Have you met James?

Enough said.

You're going to give Steph fake answers
to blurt out during the Smarty Bowl for

maximum humiliation.

How'd you put all that together?

Have you met James?

Listen up.

No crazy symptoms. No hyphenated
diseases. We cannot get in each other's

this time.

Hi, James.

You're back.

Let me guess.

Final exam's coming up.

Actually, I've been suffering from some
kind of...

That doesn't sound good.

You know what does sound good?

Calamari for two on the pier.

Well, this kind of confirms one of my
fears.

You know, I've been going over your
charts, and I found an anomaly.

Great. So I have an anomaly. Write me
that note, kiss my grandma, and we'll be

on our way.

Well, you will be.

Here's some bus money.

I'm very concerned about James.

I think we need to run some tests.

Tests?

You know what? I'm feeling a lot better.
Kids get over things fast.

You never get over this.

So to estimate how much time you have
left, my colleague's going to come in

take a real quick gallon of blood.

Gallon? I don't have a gallon to give.

Let's find out.

Fuck it up, kid.

I'll tell y 'all no.

Okay. You pumped?

You ready? I can do this.

Thanks to you.

Are you sure you remember all the
answers?

Absolutely. We start off with Hoppy the
squirrel weighs three and two -thirds

pounds. Then Roderick ate twelve and one
-third cupcakes.

Yada, yada, yada.

Aaron still worships me. Then we go get
pizza, which, incidentally, Clark has

one -sixth of.

Answer number nine. Look at you. Oh,
they're all going to be looking at me.

That's the plan.

Step, I've been talking a bunch of
snacks to the teachers for you.

What's this?

Hey, Mr.

Felix, my stepmom is going to own you.

Hey, do you guys know any of this stuff?
Because I don't. Don't look at me. I

haven't done fifth grade math since
seventh grade.

Guys, no worries. I'm going to win this
for us.

Well, someone's a know -it -all.

I'm not being a know -it -all. I just
know it.

All.

Welcome to the Smarty Bowl, our fifth
grade math competition between our

smartest teachers and our smartest
parents.

Mrs. Phillips, what are you doing here?

In the next 20 minutes... I'll be wiping
the floor with all of the teachers,

okay? Not a half, not a third, all of
them.

Fractions!

Classy.

First question.

Darren has 14 apples, and Susie wants
one -ninth of the apples. How many

does she want?

Hoppy the squirrel weighs three and two
-third pounds.

She said apples. Why are you answering
in squirrels?

That was wrong, Mrs. Phillips. Not half
wrong, not a third wrong, all wrong.

Fractions.

Susie wants one and five ninths apples.

Correct. Point teachers.

Huh? That was weird.

Don't worry, guys. I'll get the next
one.

Second question.

Julia received three and five eighths
pounds of Halloween candy.

Marty received two and three quarters
pounds.

How many pounds of candy did they have
combined?

Wait, who's Marty and Julia?

And what do they do with Roderick?

Who's Roderick? Roderick's the little
fat kid who ate twelve and one -third

cupcakes?

Mrs. Phillips, my cat landed on my face
at 4 a .m.

This is not the day.

He received six and three -eighths
pounds of candy.

Stephanie does not know math, does she?

She does not.

I see.

When this is over, can you take me to go
get some muffin baskets for my teachers

because I have had some things.

I thought you knew this stuff. I do.

I did.

She's asking different questions than
the ones I got from...

I guess I should have gotten you out of
gym.

In my defense, you're usually lying.

Didn't matter. Gym got canceled.
Instead, during history class, Dodgeball

picked up a globe and threw that at me.

He hit you with a globe?

No, I ducked, but then I ran out the
door and forgot to open it.

Hey, how'd the Smarty Bowl go?

Pretty much blew up in my face.

A smart parent would have known not to
cheat.

You know, Charlie, You're being a real
Zyquix.

Still not a word.

Stephanie, why didn't you just tell me
you couldn't do math?

Well, I liked that you were getting all
excited about me.

I'll always be excited about you. Your
stuff.

Anyway, you're good at other stuff.

Mom stuff, fun stuff, and your skin is
fabulous.

Well, I'm good at school stuff, too.
Well, everything but math.

Really? You know it.

That's great, because...

For my science homework, I have to build
an electrical circuit that can power a

light bulb.

Oh. Good luck to you, buddy.