Original subtitles

James, school!

I can't believe the guys who responded to my dating profile.

Who tells you up front he wants to go Dutch?

Mom, this guy doesn't want to go Dutch. He is Dutch.

That explains the windmill.

I thought he was playing miniature golf.

Oh, what about this guy?

That's a pop -up ad for hair plugs.

Whatever he's doing, it's working.

I know I was taking you to school. That makes two of us. He never picked me up.

Flatten his tires. He won't forget you the next time. A simple mistake isn't a

reason to commit a felony.

Okay. Is this? He didn't call me back last night or come see my recital. Plus,

that fool didn't notice I cut my hair. Shave his head. He won't miss the next

haircut.

Steph, what do you think I should do? Well, first, start saving up bail money

for your grandma because all that crazy is going to catch up with her.

with Noah.

Tell him you're feeling neglected and you want him to spend more time with

Why should I have to tell him to want something he should already want?

Don't tell him.

Show him with a five iron up against his windshield.

Gabby, your dad will give you a ride. He's in the car waiting for the boys.

Hey, here's your lunch.

Hey, Steph, can you sign this so I can get out of gym class?

It's rope climbing day.

Or not. The power is in your hands.

Jane, you do not have scurvy.

Nobody has scurvy.

Dang, should have gone wicked.

Hold up, lunch.

Bye. Thanks, Mom.

You're welcome. Wait.

Mom? What?

Did they make you climb the rope?

Yeah, and thanks for that. I made it to the top, but my shorts did not.

Hey.

Emery? Look, Deb, Emery's home. Why are you just standing there?

Because this means nothing to me. Who is this kid?

It's Emery. You remember Emery? Oh, wait, you're new.

Emery Craddock. Nice to meet you. I'm...

Anthony. Emory, folks are good friends. He's been away at boarding school.

How you holding up? When Dad threatens me, he makes boarding school sound

Oh, no kidding. You should see the line every morning at the omelet station.

Ah, so boarding school isn't a threat at all. In that case, Blue Condor, this is

Chocolate Chop. We're a go.

So, is Gabby around?

She's at choir practice. You should stop by later. She would love to see you. I

will. Nice to meet you, new Mrs. Phillips.

He's a nice kid.

You remember all the peanut butter sandwiches?

Of course you don't. That wasn't you. And I'm taking you on a cruise!

Speaking of that person I am not, something happened this morning.

Aaron called me Mom.

Really? Yeah. I handed him his lunch and he said, Thanks, Mom.

Maybe he didn't mean to say it. Like when I called a mailman, honey.

Or maybe he said it on purpose, because I'm rocking it.

You are rocking it.

But... I know.

He calls his mom, Mom, and she is his mom.

I'll have a talk with him.

You call the mailman, honey.

We were having an argument.

I promise I'll never forget you again.

So I'll see you tonight?

Tonight.

I may have to pick you up a little late.

Like... Tomorrow.

You're blowing me off again?

I didn't realize we had plans.

Noah, it's Friday. We always do something on Fridays. I thought that was

coincidence.

Where do you have to be? That's so important.

Bowling with Calvin, Mike, and Steve.

Okay, I get it. I mean, they're your boys. I'm just your girlfriend.

The coolest girlfriend.

Catch you later.

You're the best.

Nice flower.

That was unexpected.

Noah keeps blowing me off, and I can't figure out why.

You're you. Mystery solved.

How do I make him stop?

Dump him.

No boyfriend, no problems.

I should get my own talk show.

I know how to make Noah pay attention.

Get it, monkey.

Everyone likes a girl with a monkey, man.

No, dude, she wants a monkey.

Not now, James. I'm trying to figure this out.

So yourself, pretzel, don't mind if I do.

All right, maybe I will have just one.

No, too late.

You had your chance.

Just give me a pretzel, you goon. No!

The pretzels are over you.

You shouldn't have appreciated them when you had the chance.

Why would I appreciate it?

Oh, wait.

I get what you're doing. I'm the pretzel.

Well, how am I the pretzel?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Your free trial of the James Phillips Academy of Love has ended.

If you want to purchase a full version, it's $99 .99.

How about I give you a five and I don't break your leg?

Oh, I see you're using our promo code.

Just the little man I wanted to see.

I want to talk to you about calling me mom this morning.

What are you talking about? I never called you mom.

Sweetie, yes, you did. I gave you your lunch, and you said, thanks, mom.

Nope. That doesn't sound like me.

Erin, you called me mom. It's a huge thing, and we should talk about it. If

we're talking about huge things that didn't happen, let's talk about the time

flew a dragon to Nebraska.

Never mind. Maybe you didn't say mom.

But now that I'm sharing it, it's not so bad.

I could call you mom.

Wait, wait, wait. Great talk, mom. No, no, no, no, no. See you at dinner, mom.

Love our new thing, mom.

How about George Yeckle?

Nobody's never going to think he'll lose me to George Yeckle. He comes to school

in a cape.

We're going to have to find someone better to make him jealous.

What about...

Can't. He plays lacrosse with Teddy Baker, who's cousins with Don Thomas,

sits behind Noah in biology.

And that boy also wears a cape.

So you won't use anybody at your school. You could have told me that, like, 300

guys ago.

Well, it's hard. I've got to find a good -looking guy that Noah isn't connected

to. It's not like I can just wave my hands around and make that appear.

Do that again.

But make it Beyonce bringing me a grilled cheese.

I did not hit a single pin.

You are horrible at this. At least I got it down the lane. Well, maybe I was

aiming for halfway.

Well, then you've been incredibly successful.

I missed you. Yeah, I missed you too. It's fun having you back in town.

Gabby?

Who's this?

Oh, hey, Noah. I forgot you were bowling tonight.

I told you like three hours ago.

Who's this?

I'm Emery.

I'm Noah.

Good to meet you.

Well, don't let us eat up any more of your night. Your boys are waiting on

No, no, no. I want to find out a little bit more about Emery. He's home from

boarding school.

We're old friends. Just catching up and doing some bowling.

Huh.

Okay. That's cool. So I'll just go over there and leave you with your old

friend, Emery.

So, Gabby, I guess it's your turn.

You know what? Why don't you help me with my form?

Hey, you hit a pin.

What? Oh, I hit a pin. This is so great. I know. I imagined this my whole life,

but I never thought it would happen.

What? Me hitting a pin? No, us. On a date.

Steph,

I need your advice. I was trying to make no jello. Gabby, I told you to be

honest with Noah.

Don't play games.

Well, games kind of worked.

But I used... to make Noah jealous, and the problem is, turns out he's had a

crush on me forever, which, like, tell a person.

And now he thinks we're dating. I'm gonna give you the same advice I gave

with Noah.

Have an honest conversation.

It'll hurt his feelings. He likes me so much.

Really? Because you seem kind of shady.

It's also at Braintown. I heard they have this giant head to keep going.

And also at Braintown, I heard... There's a guy dressed as a brain.

It's also a brain town. I get it, buddy. You want to go to brain town.

Then you don't get it because I need to go to brain town.

Honey, if you drop him off, I'll pick him up. That would be great.

Thanks, Mom.

I'm working on it.

But you have to admit, it's kind of cool with someone calling me Mom.

If you want, I can call you Mom.

Okay, heard it. Super weird. Can't unsay it. Let's just not make eye contact for

a while.

But, Dad, I need boy advice.

Dump him.

Something tells me you just don't want me to have a boyfriend.

That's me. I'm telling you.

Dad! Why do you need a boyfriend?

You got me.

Okay, heard it. Super weird. Can't unsay it. What is wrong with me?

Emory left this outside for you. A bowling trophy with a little heart

on it.

Hiccup in the plan?

Yes, your pretzel thing worked too well. Got any more lessons with snack food?

Well, I've been working on one with cheesy puffs and licorice, but that's

civil, right?

But when you put it that way, this one's easy. If he likes you, get him to stop

liking you. How do I do that?

Do whatever you're doing with Noah, because you seem kind of shady.

found my new man. His name is Roland, and he's picking me up from here

because I don't want some stranger I met on the internet knowing where I live.

But he can know where we live?

I don't sleep here.

You know, I hope this works out. All these men you meet online, they're

but liars.

Really? Miss Teen Rome 2002?

Nothing.

Ciao, ciao, ciao.

I'm glad you're here. Here.

I want to talk to you about something important.

Okay, but make it quick, Mom. Dad's about to drop me off at Brinktown, Mom.

Okay.

Aaron, even though I love that you feel comfortable enough to call me Mom, I

don't think it's a good idea.

Why? You do everything a mom does.

May I say, thank you, Mom.

Here's the thing.

Your mother is your mom.

And since you already have that mom, you shouldn't be calling me Mom.

Why can't I call both of you mom? Because having two moms is confusing.

Kathy, my class has two moms. Which is great, but I'm not prepared to have both

of these conversations, so let's just stick with I am not your mom, okay?

You're not my mom.

I get it.

See you later, Stephanie.

I miss mom.

I'm right here, baby!

You don't think it's boring that I want to do the same thing over and over? I

love doing the same thing over and over.

Look at you, finding the positive in everything.

How do you spin him?

Bowling and nachos. I am loving our date, guys.

I'm loving it, too. High five, buddy. Yo, Emery.

Sorry about the nacho sauce.

Really? You like having my brother on our date?

How do you feel having me here?

to make you call the whole thing off, that I brought along my brother, my

grandma, and some guys she met on the internet?

Hey, I ain't got no complaint here, because that young man right there paid

my shoes.

And you ain't paid for nothing.

Come on and buy me a hoagie. A hoagie?

How much is that going to cost? Shut up!

Wait, Buffy, where are you going?

Over to the climate scene to win something.

But you're winning because that... That dude's not going anywhere.

Well, I guess it's just the two of us. A couple of pennies.

Are you okay?

Oh, it's just how I laugh.

Oh,

I hope you don't find it annoying.

Oh, I'm so upset.

Oh, it's also how I cry.

Those little perks are what make you so amazing.

Gabby.

Noah, what are you doing here?

I left my ID at the shoe counter last night. What's going on?

You remember Emery? Yeah, I remember Emery was an old friend of yours.

It doesn't explain why I was all up on my girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Yeah.

Bro, they don't have those where you come from? Gabby, if you have a

what am I doing here? Emery, I really like you.

What? As a friend. What? I was only hanging out with Emery to make you

so you would stop bailing on me.

So you were just using me? I wasn't just... using you i was also using my

grandma and my brother the worst date i've ever been on you have a boyfriend

i'm bowling you six wait daddy if you had a problem with our relationship you

should have talked to me i tried but you still blew me off for your friend it

doesn't mean that it's okay to just date another guy I wasn't dating him. I was

trying to make you jealous.

You didn't even know I'd be here tonight. No, this was a whole other

give me James, five minutes, and a bag of bristles, and I can explain.

Okay, I could have handled this better. You know what? I don't want to play

shoulda, woulda, coulda.

I'm gonna go straight to see it.

I'm done, Gabby.

Noah, wait a second.

Gabby, Gabby, I need your help at the snack bar.

Roland has to go Dutch, and Grandma Maggie started beating him with a hoe.

I can't hear you, even though I'm in this giant ear.

Hey, hey, it's time to go.

I don't want to go with you.

How are we doing?

Fine, thanks.

Little boy, one way or another, you're getting in my car.

Ma 'am, you can't just be taking children.

You're not the one who dropped them off, and he doesn't seem to respond to you.

Yeah, he does.

how this works no this is how it works i said it's time

to go no no no young man is this woman your mom nope she is

not my mom that's what i thought security to the head security

Yeah, that kind of got out of hand, didn't it? I probably overreacted.

Yeah, maybe, but I think it might have ended up in the right place.

Really?

You really want to break up? Because I brought popcorn, too.

Look, I didn't want to break up at first, but now that it's happened, I'm

of okay with it.

The thing is, I don't want a boyfriend I have to trick into spending time with

me. If you don't want to be with me as much as I want to be with you, then what

are we doing here?

So we're really ending it.

I'll miss you, Gabby.

I'll miss you, too.

But hey, on the bright side, you're free to hang with your boys next Thursday.

What's next Thursday?

Our anniversary.

Really?

Yeah.

Really. I put it in your phone.

Hang on.

How'd you get my passcode?

Doesn't matter.

We broke up.

Well, you go to an educational store like Braintown, you learn all sorts of

things. Who knew the mall had a jail?

Erin, why did you tell them I wasn't your mom? Because you told me you

and you hurt my feelings.

I like calling you mom.

Aw, I liked it too.

But it wouldn't be fair to your mother.

Stephanie doesn't seem right anymore.

Okay, how about we come up with a new name that we both like?

I got it.

Mama Steph.

Sounds like pop to pop.

Mom 2, the sequel, Mom's Revenge.

Let's keep that in our back pocket.

Well, let's see. You're Stephanie, and you're also my stepmom.

Kind of like a deaf mom.

How about calling me deaf mom?

Deaf mom.

I kind of like that.

Deaf mom. Do you have a popsicle?

Deaf mom. I didn't do it.

It's a little long. We're for sure. I just call you deaf. But we know it means

deaf mom.

It's going to take a little getting used to, but we'll give it a shot.

Okay.

Good night, Jeff.

Oh, now that's more like it.

Good night, Charlie.

What's wrong with saying I like animals?

Men like women who like animals.

Yes, but you list how you like them prepared.

That's playful.

That's terrifying.

Look, if you want a successful dating profile, you need to get rid of

that might scare a guy off.

Well, why are you deleting that?

You listed yelling as a hobby.

I like what I like.

Okay, looks like we've taken out every dating red flag.

Okay, so what do we have left?

Maggie Turner, female.