Original subtitles

Dad, can you give me some stamps?

How many?

Enough to mail something about 71 pounds.

According to my doctor.

We talked about this the last time. We go to Hawaii as a family and not at all.

I'm sending my stuff to my best friend, Brody. He moved away and I'm going to

surprise him. Brody moved?

Aw, I'm so sorry.

Are you sorry enough to front me some of those cookies?

Because I could be in here for a couple of days.

Sweetie, those cookies are for my meeting.

Yeah, because that's the part of this you need to address.

Nobody is shipping themselves anywhere.

I have a better idea anyway.

My client has a son about your age, and maybe you can make a new friend.

Hmm. Is this kid into video games?

I don't know. I sort of need him to be into video games.

Does he like popsicles?

Probably. I sort of need him to like popsicles.

Does he like knock -knock jokes?

Absolutely fine. He loves knock -knock jokes. Tells them all the time.

What is it, Grandpa?

We're back.

Okay, Aaron, I found a good shipping company, and I put you down as

Looks like Sprang for insurance.

I want to know you got there safe.

Or get reimbursed if you don't.

What in this play -day is to you? Are we talking don't eat the last donut

important? Or zombie apocalypse important?

Somewhere in between. His mom is a fundraising consultant for some huge

charities. Donut huge?

Or zombie apocalypse huge?

Why are those my only two options?

If I do well with her diabetes fundraiser, I could end up with asthma,

could lead to lupus and even Lyme disease, and I really want Lyme disease.

If it's that important to you, I'll play with the kids. Thank you, buddy.

All right.

How do I look?

I'm nine. You always look tall.

Hi, guys. Come on in. Thank you so much for having us over.

You must be Aaron. Aaron, this is Justin. Justin, say hi.

Got any good toys?

I sort of need you to have good toys.

This is even cooler than the stuff Brody and I used to build. The real fun's

knocking it down.

You want to talk about it?

Hey, I know what we can do now.

Uh, Justin, we're not allowed to jump on the bed.

those cookies from our kitchen but stephanie says

Always wonder what a vice squad is and what it does under the covers.

You're not allowed to watch Vice Squad Undercover.

Keep your mouth shut and there's a 20 -inch for you.

My mom has a bunch in her wallet.

I like the cut of your jib, Justin.

Ooh, a laser tag.

Let's use this and play Vice Squad Undercover.

You be the perp and resist arrest.

No, no, no.

Keep your jib away from my lasers.

of time. Didn't you hear James?

doctor say?

It's up.

He thinks it might be anxiety.

But of course I'm anxious. I got blood pressure.

You should exercise and eat healthier. Do you want me to mix you up a smoothie?

That depends.

What you putting in it? Fruit, vegetables, mostly seaweed.

Seaweed? No.

It's better than it sounds. Come on, try some.

I'm allergic.

I get anywhere near seaweed and I'm six feet under.

If you're that allergic, How do you go to the beach? Under an umbrella with a

drink in my hand.

Ooh.

But I would like some of these.

I usually like my grapes old and bottled.

But somebody locked up the good stuff.

Hmm. Locking up the wine and offering me seaweed juice.

Fine, take a rest.

And she might bring Justin with her. That boy, it's crazy.

So just tell Stephanie you don't want to hang out with him. I can't. She's doing

all this business with his mom, so I have to protect myself any way I can.

Justin's going to want to pop that bubble wrap.

You're right.

I'll tell her.

Unwrap me.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

That looks like fun.

Save me some.

Oh, Claire's just dropping off my jacket. We'll set up another play date

Don't worry. I'll try not to.

You see, Stephanie, the thing about Justin is... What's up with your mom?

won't return any of my calls.

I almost let her choke to death one time because I wanted a smoothie. Yeah, I'm

hearing it.

Dad, thank you so much for forcing me to save Grandma Maggie's life.

Look at all the stuff she bought me.

That seems a bit much.

Really? Can you put a price on a fragile woman's life?

Because I can't...

so sparkly, I'm practically blind.

Just like Dad, when a family member almost drops dead right in front of him.

I was making a smoothie.

So, Stephanie, like I was saying about Justin... Thank

you so much for letting me borrow this. I don't know what was more fabulous, me

or the event.

Well, since it was my jacket and my party, I'm gonna say both. Hi!

Oh, did you get my invoice?

Yes. Oh, I've been meaning to send you that check.

Oh, no worries. I know you're good for it. You know what else I'm good for?

Making sure you get lupus.

Are you serious?

Serious as a heart attack.

Oh, and I might be able to get you heart disease, too. If I got heart disease, I

would just die.

Eric, did you hear that?

I'm going to do Claire's next fundraiser. That means you can see

time. How great does that sound? Zombie apocalypse great.

Ow!

What are you doing?

I was hiding.

Justin's going to be here any minute.

That kid is his own special breed of... But I think I have a fix.

You have to out -crazy his crazy.

You have to be so...

he'll be the one wrapping himself in bubble wrap.

Oh, that's good, James. If he runs away, I'm going to be the one ruining

Stephanie's business.

So how do I do that?

You need to think of something totally insane that Justin would never agree to

do.

I know. Well, we're right after Labor Day.

What?

Stephanie says it's risky.

Go on in, Justin. Aaron's in his room.

Hey, I'll think of something for you. Just follow my lead.

Hey, there's no... knocking face in the hallway.

You got a bat?

No time for that lame stuff.

We've got crazier things planned for today.

Tell them, Crazy James.

First, we're going to the drive -thru for french fries.

That's it?

That's your craziness?

In Stephanie's car.

Which we're gonna steal.

Oh, it's gonna be insane. Insane, I tell you!

I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to back out.

Let's steal my mom's car.

It's a hybrid.

Hold on.

There's more cray -cray coming.

After we get the fries, we're going to eat them on top of... Lions?

Lions?

Yeah, we're going to eat them on top of lions, apparently.

I'm cool with that.

I have wire cutters in the car so we can get through the fence at the zoo.

The zoo?

Who's for babies?

We're getting our lions from... The North Pole.

Dude.

Yeah, fine.

They're polar lions. Real mean because they are so cold because they're not

supposed to be there.

That sounds lame.

I want to play darts. We don't have darts, but we can play video games.

until you're mad.

Of course I'm mad.

You went on the PA system at my school and sang You've Got a Friend.

I just wanted to show my appreciation, friend.

Hey, hey, hey.

The world's greatest mother -in -law is here.

No thanks to you.

Oh, don't be like that. Look, I brought you your favorite kind of wine.

Free!

I don't forgive you, but I'll take the wine.

And because I messed up really badly, I made you a cheese tray.

I shredded it for easy swallowing.

I'd like to see you choke on that.

I bet you would.

Stephanie, your ideas for this lupus benefit are great. We are going to raise

ton of money.

Great, Claire, but all of this talk about money reminds me you owe me some.

Oh, let's talk about money later. I want to do the fun stuff. You know what's

fun for me?

Getting my money.

Look, Stephanie, if you want, I can just write you a check right now.

Well, since you brought it up, sure.

Here's a pen.

Oh, you're not going to believe it, but I don't have my business checkbook.

Stephanie, you need to remind me.

Sorry,

I gotta go.

Hey, Raquel.

Yes, your attorney did contact me. Seriously? Small claims court?

Is that how you treat family?

Charlie, Claire's a deadbeat. She hasn't paid me for my last job, and now she

wants me to start a new one. I blow her off, but I don't want to ruin Aaron's

friendship with Justin.

I want to send your mom on a cruise.

Which island says I'm sorry more, St. Martin's or St. Kitts? Charlie, can you

climb out of my mother's butt for a minute?

I've got a real problem.

Okay.

But when I get back in there, Martin's or Kitts? Kitts or Martin's?

That's a tough one. Let me see.

We're all good on the plan?

Because it's a good plan, right?

Yeah. I offer Grandma Maggie seaweed lasagna. You save her life, everything

back to normal. Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up. Here she comes.

Dad, Dad, take a breath. Keep it cool. Be subtle.

Hi, hi, hi.

Lasagna.

Don't mind if I do.

I made it just for you.

Here's a big fork so that you can take a big bite.

No, no.

So?

You're allergic.

And I... I saved your life.

Ain't nobody allergic to seaweed.

I just said that because I didn't want to drink that nasty mess of yours. I

mean, who puts seaweed in a smoothie?

Flipper?

You know, I'm done apologizing. You're impossible.

I tried everything.

Thank you, Gabby. Oh, this lasagna looks delicious. I'm just going to inhale it.

had something you wanted to say to me?

Oh, hey, boys. What are you up to this afternoon?

Well, Justin was asking where we keep our rope.

Isn't that hot?

I don't know if we have rope, but I think your dad has a bungee cord in the

garage. That'll work.

Thank you, Stephanie.

Justin also wanted to know if we have a boy -sized barrel.

Isn't that a...

We don't have any barrels, but I can let you have that box you were playing with

the other day.

That'll work.

Ooh, look, I found a quarter in your sofa.

Finders keepers.

Uh, that's usually more of a public place thing.

I want a quarter. Give me that quarter.

Hey, honey, you can have it.

Oh, so now we're just giving my money away.

Claire, you better get this boy before I do.

Um, he's just playing.

Give me that.

He's always like this. He's a psycho!

What? I thought he was your friend.

Uh -uh.

Give me that.

You know what?

You need to get out of here, deadbeat, and take Freckle and Hide with you.

Well, if that's how you're gonna be, I'll have to start looking for a new

planner. If you don't pay me, you'll have to start looking for new teeth.

Fine. Never the answer, boys.

Hey, before we go, do you have any razor wire?

Oh, shut up!

Justin. Why didn't you tell me you didn't like Justin's ball?

Good point.

Man, things sure would be easier if Brody hadn't moved to Prussia.

Prussia?

Prussia doesn't exist anymore.

Sure it does. They made Brody king of it.

Honey, there's no king of Prussia.

Wait a minute.

Did Brody move to the town called King of Prussia that's 20 minutes away?

Nope. I'm pretty sure they made Brody king of Prussia.

See you at basketball practice.

I'll tell you what.

How about we get in the car and go visit Brody?

We can?

Really?

Okay, but a quick heads up.

Justin wants to play this game.

Headlights, Matt.

The rules are simple.

Oh, you'll see it.

23.

24, 25.

And 12.

I am not a child. I am a grown woman. I do not need to be taught how to chew my

food. Uh, you kind of do.

We love you, Grandma Maggie. We really don't want to go through this again.

Are you ready for another bite? I'm ready to bite your head off and chew

times.

to eat her food.