Original subtitles

Dad, you know who asked me out on a date with Family's Country Club?

Flip McAllister III, as in McAllister Mall, McAllister Bank, McAllister Cured

Meats.

Is all this a lead -up to you asking me for an expensive new dress?

No, just something simple that goes with a convertible. A red one.

Charlie, say bye -bye to James, because he's about to go bye -bye.

James. What did you do?

Nothing. He sent out a memo telling teachers not to come in until noon.

Nothing. And that?

He got a week of detention.

How could you do something like that?

Easy. I stole some letterheads from the office when they were at lunch.

Stole? James?

Why am I saying that like the two things don't go together?

Chill out.

I totally understand your concern. I can't get caught.

That's the takeaway here.

No, the takeaway is you need to stop scamming. You're not a little kid

and one of these days they're going to stop treating you like one. Yeah. If

is where you are now, I'd hate to see what you look like as an adult.

James, is that you?

Hey, Jamal.

Come on in. Aaron, come downstairs. Your cousin's here. Hey.

Stephanie, this is Kim's nephew, Jamal.

Oh, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but way to go, Uncle Charlie.

Oh, please.

I'm old enough to be your sister.

Jamal, Jamal, Jamal, Jamal, Jamal.

Hey, little guy.

Oh, yeah, you got big.

Oh, what are you doing here?

I have a meeting in town. I'm selling my startup.

Oh, startup company. That's impressive.

No big deal.

Except it's a huge deal. I'm going to make so much money.

You always were my favorite cousin.

How long are you staying?

Just a couple days.

Speaking of which, do you know of a good hotel nearby?

You kidding? I know of 15.

I went through a divorce. What do you want from me?

Don't be silly.

Our couch is your couch.

At a hotel, you can get a bed and a couch.

If you're up early enough, a Danish.

Jamal, you'll stay with us.

Thank you. That is so generous. And I can spend some more time with my

Stephanie, can I see you in the kitchen for a moment? We need to figure out

dinner.

Jamal's here.

We'll take him out.

Then let's go pick out a restaurant.

I thought we'd go to Vino's.

Then let's go pick out an appetizer.

Stephanie, we've got to get Jamal out of here the sooner the better. What are

you talking about? This is perfect.

Just when we were worried about James, this great role model walks in.

Jamal can't be a role model for James.

Jamal was James.

The last time he stayed here, he left with my golf clubs. He stole them?

No, I gave them to him. I have no idea why he's that good.

You haven't seen him in years, Charlie.

Maybe he's legit.

Besides, he's your ex -wife's family. The last thing I need is Kim thinking

trying to drive away her people. Let her blame me. I'm not afraid of her.

Are you afraid of me?

Jamal, we're going to Vino's!

So, I hear at Flip's Country Club, the guys wear jackets and ties.

And they also serve steak and lobster.

Well, I hope they serve kibble, because you've got the manners of a dog.

What's wrong with how I eat? Stop licking your paws and I'll tell you.

Now, sit your derriere at this table.

If you're trying to impress this country club crowd, you have got to learn

proper table etiquette.

Show me how to use this fork.

Do you know what you're doing wrong?

No.

It is a fork, not a shovel.

You are to take a dainty bite, then place it back on your plate until you

chewing. Well, if I do that, somebody's gonna take my pie.

Ain't nobody gonna take your pie.

Forks down, dibs.

You were saying?

Moving on.

Let's try a sip of tea.

Why are you choking that cup as if it stole your man?

Pinky out, Gabby. Were you raised in a barn?

Aaron's right.

Pinky out.

How do you know how to do that? From this video game, Mind Your Manners

Massacre.

Mind Your Manners Massacre?

Oh, yeah. If you don't hold your pinky out, this psycho teacher Mrs. Fingerball

says, I beg your pardon, and then cuts her hand off.

That's aggressive.

It's how I learned to squeeze juice from a lemon. If you don't do it properly,

you're squeezing juice from your head.

Please, any moron can squeeze a lemon.

Wrong! Aaron, tell her how to do it. You put your fork in it, and then you

gently press the side.

Oh, okay.

Oh, ow, ow, juice of my eye, juice of my eye!

Wrong again.

Squeeze your head, Grandma Maggie. It's the only way she's gonna learn.

Hey, guys, did you know for a startup, Jamal went to China?

How unbelievable is that?

Extremely. Hey, Jamal, you never told us about your business.

Oh, you wouldn't be interested. It's pretty complicated.

I'm a heart surgeon. You don't know complicated until you've had to

pig's heart into a human.

You've done that?

No, I just said it's complicated.

Whoa. You really want to know, I developed an algorithm that allows

predict what you're going to buy. It aggregates user impulse inclinations,

allowing increased CTA efficiencies, so you can lower your CAC without

compromising your CLTV.

Well, that doesn't sound made up at all.

So, since you're about to be rich, how about you treat your little cuz to some

fro -yo? I passed a fro -yo palace on the way here. They do buy one and get

for you on your birthday.

But it's not my... Oh,

no!

Gabby scratched her eye trying to get the lemon juice out. The doctor says

she'll be fine, but just know she's a little sensitive.

About what?

Ahoy there, Captain Gabby.

Are you okay?

It's not funny. How am I supposed to go to the country club like this?

You just tell those fancy people it was a fencing accident.

On your yacht.

Now let's fix your posture, Quasimodo.

Balance this on your head.

Mom, haven't you done enough?

You nearly blinded her. She's got to learn how to carry herself.

This isn't about how she sees. It's about how she looks.

That's good, because right now she looks like a one -eyed fool with a book on

her head.

Don't hate because I'm fancy.

Nobody can do this.

See, let's play soccer with this on my head.

You just need practice.

Take a lap.

Around the table? The block.

I gotta give these to Jamal. He loves his chips.

Why is Jamal sleeping on your couch and eating all your chips? That boy is a

mooch. Freshen up your wine. I'll do it myself.

You are letting that boy take advantage of you because you don't want to look

bad in front of Charlie's ex.

No, I'm supporting Jamal because he reminds me of myself, a young, ambitious

entrepreneur starting a new business.

You don't even have your own credit card.

It doesn't matter.

He's leaving tomorrow.

Hey, Jamal wants to know if we have a memory foam pillow.

Just watch. That boy's going to be around so long, a regular pillow's going

remember him.

If we don't have memory foam, Dad has a feather pillow. It's like spooning a

baby duck.

Did all of this come out of one suitcase?

No, I had the rest of my stuff express shipped here.

Oh, is it cool if I have my mail forwarded to this address?

Why? It's a just -in -case thing. My meeting was tomorrow, but my investor

held up in Ecuador.

Huh. Did he miss his flight?

No, they actually held him up.

Kidnapped him, too. It's a ransom situation.

Wow.

That sounds like something out of a movie or other work of fiction.

I know.

It's weird, right?

But it should be cleared up in a couple days.

A couple weeks, tops.

Hey, Jamal, do you prefer a cotton pillowcase or a sateen?

It's not even a choice, man.

Sateen.

It's like I always say, when it's free, you go fancy.

Jamal, that is a life lesson. I want to be just like you. Give me some.

Charlie, you were right.

Jamal is a terrible influence.

That boy's up to something. And I don't just mean all up in my sateen.

What's sateen?

That's not important, Charlie. That large -looking James boy is moving in!

I can't believe Jamal is still here.

I've been screaming at him in my head for four days.

He's not going to get him out, Charlie. You have to be direct, like I've been.

What have you done? Oh.

I rolled my eyes, I sighed, I bought generic chips.

Well, I can't wait for him to leave. If James keeps spending time with that

mooch, he's gonna turn into him.

Morning!

All right, James, incoming.

All right, got it.

Don't get it!

Got it.

Uh, what's going on here? We're making breakfast for everyone. It was Jamal's

idea. I thought it would be nice if you let me have your couch.

All right, let's dress you babies up. James, go high. On it.

All right.

Load them up.

We'll make it.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep. Yep.

Pancakes.

Pancakes. Pancakes.

Pancakes.

Pancakes.

hear the blood in my head.

But we're just getting started. We have a whole bowl of batter and we're going

to juice some oranges.

Yeah, Jamal said he was going to show me how to juice with my feet.

That's it.

You know what?

I'll do it.

You guys go watch the living room.

You insist.

Well, as long as they tricked you into making breakfast, can you whip me up

bacon? Charlie Phillips, they did not trick me into making breakfast.

Oh, I forgot. We were going to make homemade biscuits and gravy.

Uh, what kind of biscuits?

Yeah, they tricked me.

Guys, good call on letting Jamal stay here. He's taught me so much. Did you

that technically it's not against the law to take coins out of a fountain? But

those coins are people's wishes. Yeah, science gets to prove that. And I know

science. I made an algorithm.

He showed me this website where you can get all this free stuff if you tell them

you're a shut -in.

I got this anti -fungal cream, and Jamal has a shower seat coming.

Standing up is whack.

Give me a second.

That's it.

I'm kicking him out right now.

I thought you were worried about Kim. Oh, I'm way past that. You stay here and

worry about what your first wife's going to think. Your second wife is going to

get our house back.

James, where are you going?

Jamal wants me to pick some apples from our neighbor's tree. We're one good

shaking from a pie.

He says only fools pay for fruit. And cable.

Look, Jamal, we love having you here.

But you're a young entrepreneur.

You need your own face.

I was thinking that, too. And I found something. I thought James might take it

wrong. James will be fine.

Follow your dreams.

Great. Wait till you see what I found.

You found... Stephanie, I am not afraid of Kim. In fact, I just called her

because she needs to know that this is our home, and she will not dictate who

lives here.

Two rings in, I realized it was 3 a .m., and I hung up because you do not want

to wake that woman in the middle of the night.

Don't worry about it, Charlie. I took care of it.

What's that?

Privacy screen.

Found a bunch behind a Japanese restaurant.

Once I get all these up, I have my own space, just like you said.

Come on, Steph.

I got six more in the garage.

Jim Manor's Massacre says, proper ladies don't stay stupid.

If you do, she tears your arm off and beats you with it.

Y 'all still talking about that game?

Why, yes. It's turned me into a proper gentleman.

Well, maybe you can help me with this train wreck.

Dang, Grandma Maggie, that's like messed up. Is it like messed up or is it

messed up?

If you want to impress this boy's family, you have got to enunciate and

from saying, um, like, or I'm all, uh.

Now, tell us how you met this fancy fellow.

So, I was in the cafeteria, and, um... Ah!

What the?

You said, um.

When you don't speak properly, Mrs. Fingerbowl yells in her ear, and fancy

you with a bat.

Shall I get a bat?

and don't scream either.

So, Flip and I saw each other from across the cafeteria and I was like... I

was all...

Um... Did you stop?

Oh, Erin, you made me bite my tongue.

It feels like it's gonna swell.

You know what?

When this rich boy... to pick you up, don't open your mouth.

You only draw attention to your pretzel neck and your wonky eye.

back there, which I don't get because everything a person could want is back

there. Man, if someone gave me a sweet setup like this, I'd never leave.

Hey, James.

Hey, future me.

I was just doing some laundry. Oh, you're out of detergent and dryer

And cream soda.

Uh -oh.

I hope you weren't looking to take a nap. I was about to go back to

But I love the sound of the vacuum.

Noise never bothers me.

Oh, do you smell

I've been taking an Irish cooking class.

Locked cabbage.

I love cabbage.

Let me finish.

I'm still learning, so there's a lot of burnt cabbage.

Don't tell me you're going to burn that cabbage.

I give that burnt cabbage a grit.

I'm going to make some for you next week. Next week? Hey, if you're going to

cleaning down here, now would be a good time for me to take a bath.

Bath? Try that jacuzzi. You got my mouth all raised with some burnt cabbage.

Burnt cabbage.

Gabby, you are going to do just fine at that country club.

Just try to imagine Mr. Fingerbullet standing right behind you with the power

drill.

Okay. Chin up. Ow!

Shoulders back. And keep that one good eye on the prize.

Yeah, but look out for the...

You didn't even shake his hand properly.

Don't make dinner for us tonight.

Jamal and I went to the grocery store. We filled up on cheese samples and it

looked great.

You should see Jamal at that all -you -can -eat olive bar.

That's not all you can eat.

It is if you're fast enough.

James, we need to talk to you.

Look, I know we've come down on you a lot about your scams, but on some level

have to admit that your scams do show ambition.

And that ambition will serve you well in life.

As opposed to your cousin, who's a, um, how do I put it?

A mooch.

You know?

But I thought you were having so much fun with him.

Fun? Do I look like a wingman at an olive bar?

Why do you think I keep telling you about all the awful things he has me

So you...

If anyone's going to waste their life on that couch, I want it to be me.

Out of my way, Charlie.

Jamal!

Jamal! Jamal, are you in there?

Oh, he's in there. He's always in there.

There's a note.

Dear family, my investor made it back to the States and my deal is already

closed.

I couldn't have done it without you saying your couch is my couch.

Love you guys.

Jamal. I told you that boy was legit, you paranoid so -and -so.

I can't believe he was for real.

Well, let's get this room back to normal.

Guys.

Our couch is his couch.

And that couch is gone.

He's that good.