Original subtitles

Boy, you cannot just go swimming in the neighbor's pool.

The sign said open house.

It's only open for people who want to buy it? I want to buy it. It comes with

free pool.

Besides, I've been thinking about getting a place of my own. Can I come

swim? Call first.

When did we even get this whale thing? A few minutes ago when you dragged us out

of there.

You mean we stole this?

We? You're the one holding it.

the only person who has not seen this movie. No, I haven't seen it. I'm a

person. But you're like a not fun person.

I'm super fun.

I put the fun in. I'm fundamentally opposed to you seeing a scary movie.

Especially the way you freak out so easily.

I do not!

The boat scene in Willy Wonka? Okay, first of all, that song is terrifying.

Charlotte's Web? The only thing worse than a spider is a talking spider.

What about that one -eyed swan in the park? That thing looks at me like it

something.

Look, Dad, I am not a little kid anymore.

I bet Haunted Reckoning 3 isn't even scary.

Haunted Reckoning 3?

I heard somebody had a heart attack just watching a commercial.

Maybe you should go to the theater, Dad. Drum up some cardiology business.

That gives a sense you have a big real estate purchase coming up.

James, we are not buying that house.

What house?

Dad. I want to go to the movie. The one with the water slides.

Haunted Reckoning 3 has a water slide?

Come on, Steph, help me here. There must have been something everyone thought

you were too young for.

Yes, but I married him anyway.

Look at this house, Dad. The master suite features a steam shower, a

and a shoe closet. A shoe closet?

Really? They got a picture?

Nobody. Nobody's getting a new house, and nobody's going to see Haunted

Reckoning 3.

If you guys want, later we can turn out the lights and watch Willy Wonka.

Haunted Reckoning 3 can't be that scary.

It's PG -13.

PG -13?

Charlie. Charlie what?

Charlie right? Charlie wrong.

Gabby can handle it. If you're worried, I'll take her myself.

Okay, fine.

Gabby, you can go. But only if Stephanie takes you.

Good. Now that that's settled, I'm going to take the killer whale back.

I'll go with you. We can walk around the house and kick the tires.

By the way, I heard they're selling their car.

I hear the wife has a lottery problem.

All right, boys, we'll be next door in Theater 6. When we move this out, meet

by the video game. In the lobby, not the arcade down the street. I won't make

that mistake twice.

I can't believe I have to sit through the puppy detective.

I hope none of my friends see me in here. If they see you in here, they're

here.

Word on the playground is the kitten did it.

What I want to know is why.

Seriously? Pay up.

What for?

Puppies? Kittens?

A baby movie with my baby brother makes me a babysitter.

Babysitter fee is acceptable.

All right, fine.

But stay with him. I mean it, James.

Be responsible.

Responsible? That's a $2 surcharge.

Come on, Steph.

We're going to be late.

Haunted Reckoning 3 is about to start. I heard the first five minutes are so

scary, people pee their pants.

I don't want to miss that.

I kind of do.

All right, they're gone. Now here's the plan.

We wait 30 seconds, then we sneak into Haunted Bucketing 3.

Nah, I'm good with my puppy movie.

I hear there's a great taste scene with the tail.

Where'd you get the 3D glasses?

Brought them from home.

This isn't a 3D movie.

Won't be for you.

3D glasses only work for 3D movies. You would know that.

If you weren't such a little kid.

I'm not a little kid.

Then prove it. Let's go next door and watch Haunted Reckoning 3.

Are there puppies in it?

There are parts of puppies.

That could work.

Well, I'm off to the hospital.

Hold up. Before you go, could you find me a decent Pinot Noir?

Because your stuff is no better than the stuff I got at home.

Our stuff is what you got at home.

Stop taking our stuff.

Hey, how were the movies? Oh, so intense. I was on the edge of my seat.

The puppy detective?

Yep, that's what my ticket stuff says. Totally loved it because I was totally

there.

Can't unsee it.

Why would you want to? It was a delightful run.

Well, I'm glad. you liked your movie. Mine was completely lame.

So you weren't even a little bit scared?

The only thing that would make that mess scary is if I saw it in the park next

to that one -eyed swan.

I gotta go.

Thank you for sitting through that with him.

Maggie, take it out of your purse and put it back on the rack.

Molly is such a wuss. She was actually scared of Haunted Reckoning 3. Nothing

wrong with Molly. Why are you all up on Molly? Molly's got good sense.

Let me see your fingernails.

Why do you want to see my nails? Because when you get all frightened, you chew

them down to the nub.

You're right. Steph totally freaked out. And when she ran out of her nails, she

came after mine.

Don't act like I'm the weird one. You're the weird one.

Fifteen people attacked by ghosts, and you sat there on your phone shopping for

six -inch stilettos. Which, by the way, uh -uh.

I had to do something to kill the time. You were screaming so loud, I couldn't

take a nap.

Why would you go see that movie when you know what a scaredy cat you are?

Because I wanted to prove to Charlie that Gabby could handle it. And I was

right. She could. I could not. It was terrifying.

What's that?

Me putting down my plate?

How many times have I told you?

Ghosts are not entertainment.

You remember why my family moved out of Maple Court when I was a little girl?

Mom, don't you bring up that coldest act of now.

I told you, it was not a cul -de -sac. It was a chill -de -sac.

Oh, yeah.

That empty house next door was a haunted house.

Doors swinging open, shut, weird sounds, lights flickering.

My mother...

What the hell does out of there?

Okay, now is not the time to tell that old story. There are kids in the room.

I'm good. Not you, me.

Stop scaring your baby.

Oh, baby.

I'll stop.

But nothing could stop that transparent little girl from playing jacks on the

front porch every night.

One piece.

Twosies. Onesies.

Twosies. I'm not hearing about the jacks.

Twosies. That's what we used to call her.

And you moved just because of goats? Oh, yeah.

To a new house?

Heck yeah.

With a pool?

Heck no.

That's how twosies died.

Aaron, I figured out how to get that house across the street.

Thanks a lot.

Aaron, come on out.

Now you're telling them my name?

Come, brother, you are James Phillips.

I told you, ghosts aren't real.

Didn't you see Hot Jet Reckoning 3?

Did you guys sneak into that movie?

Shh, keep it down. I knew I heard Aaron screaming behind us. How could you hear

my screams over Stephanie?

Tell me about it. That woman has lungs.

And thanks to Grandma Maggie.

Now she's twice as freaked out about ghosts and perfectly positioned for us

scare her into that new house across the street. No way. After Steph just had my

back, I'm not going to let you pull some stupid ghost trick.

It's a new house. You have your own bathroom.

Okay, let's do this, y 'all. Do I need a sheet or something?

Here's what I'm thinking.

Grandma Maggie told me that Steph's already afraid of this freaky ghost kid

named Tuesdays, so we need to go bigger.

Three Ds.

No. What if we did something from the movie? What was the scariest part?

All of it. Weren't you there?

You were sitting next to her. What made her scream the most?

She didn't really stop screaming.

I guess there's a tie between the dead kid in the mirror and the dead kid who

saw a dead kid in his mirror.

What's Stephanie's biggest fear?

Cellulite.

Okay, so you're clearly the worst at this.

What you got?

Something really good.

We wait till midnight. Uh -huh. We borrow Aaron's wagon. I'm with you.

We stop by the morgue. Let me stop you right there.

Right. It is uphill coming back.

We don't need an actual body.

Stephanie's already on edge. We just need to suggest a ghost.

May I suggest Casper?

Oh, so you like a morgue and I'm the idiot?

Kids? Charlie, are you home?

Good go, kids. Just leave the television on all night.

That's weird.

And that's terrifying.

It's okay. It's okay.

Not okay. Not okay. Not okay.

Oh,

hey,

Charlie. Real quick. No biggie.

We're selling the house.

Husband, actual human being, don't panic.

Just a bath.

Not as bad as I expected.

There's the woman I married.

Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie. How would you fight a ghost?

I wouldn't, because they're not real. Oh, no?

Explain the television. Explain the faucet. Explain the door.

They're parts of our house.

to go to that movie. You didn't tell me. You told Gabby, and she's next door

sleeping like a baby. Unless they took her away. Go check on Gabby.

I'm sure she's fine. Everybody else is asleep.

Ah! Go get it! Go get it!

Everybody,

calm down. Stephanie, it's just Aaron.

Aaron, it's just you.

I had a bad dream with that movie.

So much horror.

Did you go see The Puppy Detective?

Maybe.

Not.

Did you see Haunted Reckoning 3?

Maybe.

Yes.

Did you take him to see that movie? Do you think I'm crazy?

Put down the bat and ask me again.

James and I snuck in.

Aaron, you're way too young for movies like that.

Not anymore.

You know there's no such thing as ghosts, right?

Except the one that's all up in our electricity and plumbing.

You see how that's maybe not helpful right now?

Did the plan work? Can we move to the house with the pool? Because I want to

out of here.

The plan?

The house with the pool?

Nope.

James. The ghost that was doing all that stuff downstairs.

That was James?

Classic James.

There is no way he did that whole thing by himself.

I mean, it was elaborate. He must have had help from Gabby. Well, to get you up

here with half the tool shed, those two kids must have pulled off a work of

genius. Uh, you have three kids?

Oh, we know, buddy. You're our special guy.

Well, when Gabby and James join forces, those two can be devious.

Hey, I'm devious, too. Hang on, Aaron.

You know what stinks the most? I stood up for Gabby and took her to that movie

in the first place. And this is how she repays me, the little traitor.

Hello, I'm the little traitor.

She's the big traitor.

And how is everyone's evening? Anything go bump in the night?

Your butt's about to.

We know what you did. Me? What did I do? One count of sneaking into a horror

movie, one count of terrifying your little brother, and one count of

pranking Stephanie.

Did I miss anything?

Run, Gabby. Your plan failed.

Don't even. We know it was all of you.

I'm sorry, guys. I cracked.

Thanks a lot, Aaron.

What is wrong with you children?

You do not play fast and loose with the spirit world.

Open that door, and they'll come rushing in and start messing with your lives.

Don't worry, Mom. We're closing that door. You kids are grounded for a week.

can ground children, but you can't ground what won't stay in the ground.

Maggie, we're done with this.

Okay, so if I'm in trouble, that means you think that I'm devious, right?

Sweetie, we know you were just a pawn in their little game.

I'm not just a pawn.

Wait, which one is the pawn?

Is it the little one or is it the horse?

Because I'm going to be the horse.

That's it. No more of these dumb pranks. Now you two are grounded for two weeks.

That wasn't me, James.

It wasn't me. I'm sitting right here.

Mm -hmm.

See?

You started something.

Oh, you sent the spirit world... an invitation, and now they have come a

-calling. Oh, I'm out!

Nobody panic.

I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this. Like what? The ghosts want a

smoothie?

It's an old blender.

Or maybe it's something with the outlet.

Or maybe it's toothies.

Can we please not go back to that nonsense? There's no such thing as

Charlie, I'm telling you, there's no reason to stay here when there's a

perfectly good house across the street with a pool, a shoe closet, and no

ghosts. Our house is not haunted.

Careful, Dad.

In the movies, it's always the skeptic who gets it first.

Family, I want to introduce everyone to Professor Ian Hauser.

He's a doctor of paranormal activity.

And I'm a doctor of floobity -doobity.

Whatever you're selling, we're not buying. Whoa, Charlie, this is a chance

us to get to the bottom of this. Yes, I always wondered who bought this house.

Did the real estate agent disclose its history?

They told us about the plumbing.

Yes, this neighborhood.

was the site of the great inferno of 1897, as you know. As who knows? Don't

nobody know.

This property was the epicenter of an horrific circus fire.

Oh, a circus fire.

Oh, that's the worst kind of fire of all.

You're sitting there, enjoying yourself, eating cotton candy, then all of a

sudden...

Flames.

It's all there.

The doctor researched it for me. Yes, it was quite awful. The animals were

stampeding, the tent ignited, and try as he might, the poor fire -eater just

couldn't keep up.

Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?

I'm sweating. Me too.

You think it's the fire? I know it's the fire. Yes, that does make absolute

sense. You see, this house was situated where the center ring was, which means

that the clowns would have burnt to a crisp.

Right around here.

You mean we're haunted by crispy clowns?

Wait, nobody move.

What? Why? I'm getting a very intense vibration.

Oh, feels rather good.

The energy is building. I think we're seconds away from a spirit

We're sorry! We're sorry!

I'm getting a very powerful reading. It says... It says...

idea. And I borrowed this thingamajig from the ICU.

What is that, anyway?

You don't want to know, but I got 12 hours to plug it back in.

Wait, so if the fire was fake, there are definitely no burnt clowns, right? No

burnt clowns, we promise.

You were fantastic.

Well, you know, I do a lot of dinner theater.

Wait, you was a fake?

Everything was a fake.

How'd you do the music and the lights and the temperature?

I had the whole house wired to Maggie's tablet. It can control everything.

The whole house, you say?

And don't you dare file that away for later.

Okay, Mom, that's enough.

What'd I do? I'm not even touching the thing.

So, if it wasn't you, then... So the, uh... house across

the street had the pool, huh?

go and check it out. I'm buying.

I tried to tell them I was an idiot.

Girl, don't go in there.

It's a trap.

This movie is totally unrealistic.

Why is he doing that to the phone?

Still bored.

And why does he keep burying them when that other one just keeps digging them

up?

Best puppy detective movie ever.