Original subtitles

I assure you won't wake up.

Dad, I am pregnant.

We're good.

Okay, mouth is one point. Nostrils are each ten, and if he starts choking, run.

Game on, sucker.

I can't believe you.

What? What?

Why was I dreaming about a meteor shower?

What is happening here? I'll tell you what happened at the grocery store.

got a price check on crazy.

Let me guess. She flipped out in the 12 -item express lane? She's done this with

you, too?

I still get flashbacks.

Two cans of tuna is one item. The one item is tuna.

You sound just like your mother.

Are you trying to hurt me, Charlie?

I just meant that I've heard your mother say the exact same thing. Well, you're

wrong. I am nothing like my mother.

Nobody say a word.

She best be going upstairs to change, because Mama's wearing it better.

our address.

One of those little numbers you wear that give away the farm.

Seriously? Why would you want to borrow something you can't handle?

I need it for church.

Mama's trying to bag herself a minister.

Reverend Croker's divorce has been finalized and I've got competition.

A single minister is like chum in the water.

you should give him some time? He just got divorced.

How long was Charlie divorced before you two started dating?

You want shoes to go with that dress?

Dana dumped me.

Aw, she did?

She made us take some dumb compatibility test from some girly web site, and our

score was low. If you ask me, the test did you a big old favor. Yeah, these

things have a way of revealing truth about people.

And Dana's truth was?

She was too dumb to see what she had.

You guys were her set?

So, uh, what kind of questions are on that test?

Okay, it's fondue night with your boo -boo bear.

Ugh, gag me.

Do you serve chocolate or cheese?

Well, when I'm dating, I crave a little chocolate.

I wish I hadn't heard that, but I'd also say chocolate.

Next question. Would you rather read the book or see the movie?

Read the book.

I don't think the test works if you lie.

See the movie.

Would you stop answering like me?

I'm doing the next one secretly.

Okay,

Grandma Maggie, your turn. Would you rather snow ski or water ski?

I don't do water.

I got hair.

So I'm going to have to say snow ski. Stop it. This stupid test. It's gonna

we're a match made in heaven.

Actually, it says you guys are too alike to be a couple.

Guys, check it out. Molly got a tattoo.

Oh, baby, why?

Cool, huh?

Oh, is that a little goat?

Yeah, it's my sign. I'm a Capricorn.

Debbie, you know what would be great?

Is if you got your sign, too, in the same spot.

Ain't nobody getting a tattoo.

Where'd that come from?

Chill. There's no way I would ever do that.

I'm surprised you're so against it, Mrs. Phillips.

You have those ones on your wrist.

I will never forget when her sorry little 17 -year -old self

waltzed into my house with a tattoo.

Talking about, it looks cool.

It looks full.

If I ever had to get a tattoo, it would say,

Don't bother reading this, because it's stupid.

I know James is bummed his girlfriend dumped him, but, like, get over it

already. This is from the girl who started a letter -writing campaign when

cute weatherman moved to Pittsburgh.

Gabby Ann Gentleman. He's the smoothest. He's the coolest. He paid me three

whole bucks to do this.

I give you James, the champion of the lady.

I am the greatest.

I guess he's over Dana.

The prettiest girl in school likes me. She picked me to be her U .S. history

partner. We're going to make the Washington Monument at a sugar cube.

Son of a bitch I made last year out of the Taj Mahal, so you know she ain't in

it for the great.

Slow down, champ. Maybe we should meet her parents first. Oh, don't worry, Dad.

If Jane can land her, she must have a face like a knuckle.

So, what's Knuckleface's name?

Aaron. What?

No, Aaron.

Dude, what?

Aaron, E -R -I -N.

That's how I spell my name.

Wow, that's creepy. It's like you're dating your brother.

I am quite a kid.

A -A -R -O -N and E -R -I -N are not even remotely the same person.

Aaron's in the comic book video game. And what is your little girlfriend like?

was talking about her.

Guys, I've done it. I've solved it.

Look at this.

You ran out and got a tattoo? I am not my mama anymore.

Hi!

Kids?

Rooms? Not a chance.

Yeah, we want to see this.

Deb, that's so cute.

Thanks, Gabby. Why would you do this? You already have two tattoos.

These, I got to rebel against my mom. And this, I got to rebel against my mom.

And prove I am not her.

So there.

Steph, it looks awesome.

Now that makes me want a tattoo.

Makes who want a what now?

Glad we stayed.

You said you'd never get one. No, I said I'd never get a stupid Zodiac tattoo

like the one Molly has.

But yours is really cute. I'm gonna go check out some designs.

Okay, that was not supposed to happen. But we are not gonna freak out. What did

you just do?

I said we are not... gonna freak out you can't speak for me what did you just do

guys what's the big deal i had dozens of tattoos they wash off

hi hi hi where's gabby i heard

about your new tattoo and i don't want her making the mistake you did mom i'm

handling it you don't need to give her a talk oh it's not a talk it's a sermon

come on in reverend reverend

and lock up your graven images for a minister highest in the house.

Seriously? What were you thinking? Is there a choir out in the car?

This man has a lot to offer a woman, and I don't just mean those dimples.

Maggie Turner, you are so sweet, I could sell you at the church bake sale.

For you, I might be persuaded to give out a free sample.

Oh, get a pew.

Bring me this misguided child.

And a microphone.

Reverend, I appreciate you coming, but I'm already handling this. I realize my

new tattoo was a mistake, and I am not going to let Gabby get one.

In that case, my work is done.

Oh, what's this? I mean, it's a donation envelope for the new steeple.

I'll just leave that here with you.

I just talked to Gabby.

She still wants that tattoo.

So, what's the plan to handle it?

Here's the plan. Tell her no and mean it. And tell her if she gets one, you'll

get a nice little Gabby rug for in front of your fireplace.

Works for me. Hands in.

Guys, that's not how we're going to handle it.

5 ,000 years of parenting cannot be wrong. Well, that's how you tried to

me, and I just ran right out and got one behind your back.

Well, what do you think we should do?

Get Gabby to talk herself out of it. The only way we'll know for sure is she

won't sneak out and get one.

Okay, I'm going to trust your judgment on this one.

I wouldn't.

I dropped her as a baby.

Oh, shush.

Here's what we'll do.

Tell Gabby she can have one, but only if she finds a design that we agree is

meaningful enough to have on her body forever.

No, I'm never going to think anything is meaningful enough for her to have

forever.

Oh!

I'm in.

What's your backup plan?

Charlie knows some anesthesiologists.

We'll just knock her out until she's 18.

Please. If I'm ever going to pull that favor, I'm saving it for James.

Doing some homework?

Yeah. You know, what do they call a long division? It takes forever.

You know, it might help if you changed your name.

Is it because you don't like me having the same name as your girlfriend?

It didn't even occur to me.

I just want to see you thrive academically.

When the grades go out, who always gets the best one?

Freddie.

Freddie? Now that...

name. You start calling yourself Freddy and that long division will be a breeze.

You'll even move up to algebra.

That's crazy, James. You just don't want people thinking you're dating me.

That is not it. You just strike me as more of a Freddy. No, I like being

I'm not changing.

Dude, Freddy, be cool.

Okay, guys. I've worked up for more tattoo designs.

What do you think it'd be? Let's see what you got.

No, no, no.

Is this one upside down?

It doesn't matter. No.

A pair of jeans wearing a monocle? He's fancy pants.

No. You rejected like 40 designs.

Why am I even bothering? Dad, what do you think?

I think you should talk to Stephanie. I'm deferring to her.

Why don't you get a tattoo of a footstool?

Because that's what you are.

Gabby, I told you I wouldn't agree to anything that wasn't meaningful.

Look, imagine this is your tattoo now, okay? It's ironic and fun and all your

friends think you're the coolest.

This is your tattoo at 80.

It's wrinkled and gross and your grandkids keep telling you to pull your

down.

A tattoo has to mean... something.

It can't just be a pretty picture.

Yeah. Wow.

Maybe I shouldn't rush into this.

Thanks, Steph.

Charlie, it worked.

I never doubted myself for a second.

I did, but who cares? It worked.

And the best part is, I handled this without having to be you.

Watch it, you two.

You just can't admit that my way worked. For now.

But wait. You'll end up doing it like me. With yelling and just a dash of

physical force.

Not gonna happen.

Keep living in the land of wishful thinking.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and make a preacher pay.

I'm just glad this whole tattoo business is over. Yeah, me too.

Hey, when I was searching around online, I saw that my mom's name means of the

royal forest and Stephanie means crown.

So what if I got a small crown set against a tree?

It would be a way to always have my two mothers with me.

Boy, I don't know.

What do you think, honey?

I think it's beautiful.

I'll get it. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm going to go tweet some

before pictures of my hip.

Hip, hip, hip, hip, hip, hip.

What happened here?

We raised an angel.

Good. Maybe Angel can be her nickname at the biker bar.

You need to fix this.

Okay, don't panic.

I had one other idea.

I could take it to that rat hole where I got my first tattoo. That place is so

nasty, Gabby will run away screaming.

Really? That's your plan?

Don't say that like you never met me.

This better work.

It will.

All right.

Because I love you so much, I'll allow you to traumatize our daughter.

Aw, thanks, Charlie.

That means a lot to me.

sugary Washington Monuments looking pretty sweet.

You want to go get a snack?

Uh, sure, but first, I want to show you my new phone.

Okay, check it out. You can program it to talk to you by name.

Hello, Karen.

Hang on.

My name is Erin. You know, Karen is a pretty good name.

Or Debbie.

Please get out of here. What'd I do?

I think you mean to be freaking out because my name is Erin and your name is

Erin. And not freaking out. It's just creepy.

Oh, I get it. That is weird.

Look, Erin is my middle name, and I only go by it because I hate my first name.

But if it'll make you feel better, you can call me that instead.

Thank you. What's your first name?

Gabrielle. You can call me Gabby.

Okay, we're done here.

This isn't at all what I expected.

Me either.

Where's all the police tape?

Welcome.

If you brought any little ones, they should feel free to play in our fun

What happened to this place? The last time I was in here, I got held for

questioning.

Get me started, man.

We used to be all about the art, and then we fell victim to the almighty

franchise.

Have you heard about our membership rewards program?

Not interested.

Gabby, are you sure you want to go through with this?

You haven't changed your mind? Oh, no way. I definitely want to do this. And

it's all thanks to you.

This is my design.

One crown and tree coming right up.

That's it. Back away from my baby. What are you doing?

What I should have done to begin with. Get out of that chair.

No way. You said if I had something meaningful, then I could get a tattoo.

I lied.

You should have talked yourself out of this. Talk myself out of this? That's

crazy. I don't care.

Now get your sorry 16 -year -old butt in the car.

We also offer a counseling service.

She wishes we'd been straight with her, but she understands she can't get a

tattoo right now.

What she is getting is a new phone.

And a new purse to carry it around in.

So, we win.

Shut up, Charlie.

We didn't win.

Um, do you want a new phone?

No. I want to not be my mother.

But I am.

And if I'm my mother, then who's me?

And who was she before she became her? And how are you going to react now that

the me you married is the her you didn't sign up for?

My turn.

Look, maybe you and your mom are similar in some ways.

Maybe even some disturbing ways.

But it doesn't make you the same person.

If it did, you think I'd do this?

I hope not.

You still love your mother, so...

Be like the parts you love and ignore the parts you don't.

Thank you.

Believe me.

There's plenty of things about your mother you don't have.

And I'm glad.

Like what?

Give me a couple just to make me feel better. She's loud.

She's pushy. She steals our best wine.

Thanks. That helped.

She never knocks. She never calls before she comes over. Okay, Charlie, I get

the point. And she's so bossy. Charlie, get out of the room. Charlie, get out of

my face.

I'm good. You can stop now. And self -centered? She is practically a

You know what? I am sick of you talking trash about my mama.

And I will take that phone.

Why do I always go too far?

It's almost like I'm my mom.

Eh, I love my mama.

both here. If the Reverend asks, you are troubled jutes on the road to

destruction.

What? Where are the boys? It's not too late to snatch them from the jaws of

evil.

I'm here for you, Maggie, for as long as it takes and a little bit after.

Amen, Reverend.

And I'm so happy that you were able to find time to fix a crisis in the church

family.

Open up, young fellas. When you tell me your sins, that's when the healing

begins.

I'm wanted in West Virginia.

And I'm wanted in Virginia.

Shepherd us, Reverend.

The whole family's lost.

I'm glad you reached out to me, Maggie. When it comes to my congregation, I like

to be hands -on.

You can put your hands anywhere you need.