Original subtitles

Everybody, lunchbox is out of backpacks and next to the sink.

Excuse me, boys. What did I just say?

Don't know. Couldn't listen. Low blood sugar.

I'm just walking in.

Seriously? Spooky. Noah and I just got home at the exact same time. Oh, that's

nice. Now you can say goodbye to him at the exact same time so you can get ready

for tennis.

I quit. Total time suck.

Besides, Noah says tennis is such a racket.

He's so clever. You are so clever.

Bye, Noah.

Gabby, did you quit tennis for Noah? No, no. I quit tennis for me. Me spending

more time with Noah.

She also quit yearbook and drama club.

And putting on makeup. No, I didn't. I'm wearing some right now.

Really? That's what's makeup?

Gabby, you can't just give up your whole life for some guy -yai -yai.

Did something curl up and die in your backpack?

Coach made me take off my gym clothes.

The janitor filed a grievance.

James, how long have you been wearing those?

Since Tuesday.

Well, a Tuesday.

Yeah, she's tripping.

Gabby, what are you doing? Not much. What are you doing?

Give me that.

I am not going to let this boy run your life.

I need you to sign this.

Look, I like Noah, but there is you time, and then there's you and him time,

you can't...

Aaron, you only got four out of ten right on your spelling test. I told you

study for this.

Well, I was going to, but then... Smoke bomb!

Uh, dude, for that to work, you need to have an actual smoke bomb.

Uh, dude, I'm nine.

Where am I going to get an actual smoke bomb?

Do you have two eggs you can let go for a quarter? Sure, Eunice, but I don't

feel right taking a quarter.

Oh, you drive a hard bargain.

Hoyt has two coddled eggs every day at 4 p .m. He loves his 4 o 'clock coddling.

Thank you.

It's 4 .06, woman.

Coddle me.

There's my cue.

Really? If Charlie talked to me like that, I'd scramble his eggs.

Thanks for the girl time.

No, I can blow off Molly if you want to do something.

Seriously, Gabby?

Why are you looking at me? Aaron doesn't study.

Yeah, well, James knows that. Aren't we more concerned that Gabby doesn't have

the mind of her own?

Gabby, get off that phone with that boy. Aaron, do some homework. And James, go

bury those gym clothes right now.

All right, Steph.

We'll do it in a minute.

Yeah, don't worry about it. She's still tripping.

I've taken your advice, and I've left Hoyt.

My advice?

Yes. You said that his overbearing behavior is crippling my growth as a

and it's time for my lady limbs to reach out for the heavens and say, Hello,

world! Eunice is here!

I said that? I'm paraphrasing.

Well, I'm glad I could help, I guess.

Good.

I'd like to rent a room. Non -smoking, please.

Thank you so

much for the lovely dinner, Eunice. And may I... Also say, why are you here?

Because I invited Eunice to stay with us.

Apparently, I encouraged her to stand up to Hoyt.

And she'll be standing up to Hoyt in our house for how long? Just for a few

days. Or a week.

Or until I can pin her to an end date.

Here's the gravy.

She can sleep in Gabby's room. Right, Gabby? Yeah, sure.

Smiley. Smiley. Winky.

Gabby, no phone at the table. I'm not at the table. No phone at the island.

Okay.

Or in the mudroom.

Or in the living room.

Yeah, I probably should have just taken the phone.

This soup looks delicious.

Where did we order it from? I made it.

This can be made in our kitchen?

Funny. Did you wash your hands? Why? I'm using the fork. Your father uses a

scalpel, but he can't operate on somebody if his hands are filthy dirty.

People die that way.

If that matter is right.

Hygiene is very important for surgeons and eaters.

Aaron, sweetie, can you spell hygiene?

School runs at 3 .30. Off the clock.

Aaron, you promised me you'd study to retake your spelling test.

If you stop learning, honey, your brain will shrivel up to nothing.

People die that way.

Do you have any antifungal cream?

Someone ran off on me without picking up my prescription.

Uh, no.

But please don't touch anything while you're here.

Fine. I'll just suffer.

Maybe it's time for you to suffer, Hoyt! Go ahead and scratch your little one

-off!

I'm ready for turkey.

Uh,

you really don't have to do this.

re -washing the dishes, re -doing the laundry, re -making the bed.

Oh, were these made?

Well, I'd better go take out the recycling.

Already done and properly re -sorted.

No wrinkles.

Man, I do love a tight bed.

I was sorry to hear about your spelling test. I bet it made your stepmom sad.

She took it okay.

Made me sad.

already wash up? I didn't hear any water running. Don't need it. I'm dry clean

only.

You don't want to be filthy dirty, James. Let me show you my screensaver.

What is that?

That's a boy who didn't wash behind his ears. His ears used to be here.

Well, here's something I never thought I'd say.

Sweet dreams, Mrs.

Ebnetter.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

So, you have a beau?

You mean a boyfriend?

Yeah, Noah.

Oh, that's so nice to have a boy in the beginning before you start having to

give things up.

But what did you have to give up? Oh, not much. Full ride to MIT, modeling

contract. They threaten Hoyt's self -esteem.

You were a model?

Just high fashion.

Are these shoes new?

Hoyt thinks that buying new clothes is frivolous. So you can only wear old

clothes? Relationships are about compromise.

You compromise and compromise and pretty soon you forget who you are and then it

doesn't hurt so much.

I can tell you stories online.

Kids! Could you hurry up?

I might as well be yelling at myself.

Children?

What is this?

Have you guys had breakfast?

Mrs. Ebner made us eggs and bacon and fresh biscuits.

B -I -S -E -U -I -T -S.

Ah, look at you, spilling your food. And you look clean.

Scalded to my elbow, teeth brushed and flossed.

Mrs. F. Netter says a little blood is good.

Ew. But at least you're flossing.

So has Noah flossed this morning? I don't know, and I don't care.

You didn't talk to him yet?

But you're awake.

I'll see him when I see him. If I see him.

Huh. Like I have three new kids.

Don't tell my old kids, but I like you better. Let's get in the car.

I'll drive them to school.

the least I can do. I have to go buy some decent cleaning supplies anyway.

Come on, children.

Okay. Bye.

Eunice made me lunch three days in a row.

Plus, she straightened out the kids.

She's the best thing that's ever happened to this family. And I'm

myself.

Did they move?

That's the smell of clean.

It's about time you went lemony fresh on this family.

No, no, no, it's not me.

Eunice Ebnetter is staying with us for a few days, and she's been pitching in,

being helpful rather than critical.

I play to my strength.

Well, so does she and her work.

I just wish I knew what they were.

I heard guests. I brought wine and hors d 'oeuvres.

Thank you.

Okie dokie. I'll just check on my kids. I mean, our kids.

The kids.

Just want to remind you that Thursday night is garbage night, so throw your

garbage out.

I've already thrown out my garbage.

My annoying, nagging garbage that I'm better off...

I thought you were going out with Noah. I was, but I realized there's more to

life than some man.

So I'm staying in to read this book Eunice gave me. There's more to life

some man.

Books instead of boys.

How'd that Eunice do that?

That's what I was saying. It's like she flew in on an umbrella.

Hey, Steph, I'm washing my linens. Is there anything more powerful than bleep

something in the radiating acid burning category?

But still safe on colors.

to peep in, steal Eunice's parenting secrets, and get out.

What you need to do is steal her cleaning secrets. I can see myself in

floor, and there's a rug on it.

Oh, wait.

E -L -E -V -A -T -O -R.

Very good, Erin.

I'm so proud of you. I told you you could be as smart as you want to be.

five. Ah, positive reinforcement.

I could totally do that. I'm awesome at that. See?

I just did it on myself. Way to go, Seth. You're the boss.

Okay, Erin, the next word is loose.

Loose.

L -O -S -E?

No, that's lose, as in if you keep spelling it wrong, you'll lose your

love and end up alone and sad.

People die that way.

James, I am so proud of you for washing your fruit before you eat it.

Even that banana, which comes in its own wrapper.

I don't know what this has been.

That's a valid point, and I validate you. High five.

I don't know what this has been.

Way to be cautious.

See? I'm nailing this positive reinforcement thing. Thank you, Eunice.

Eunice isn't doing anything positive.

Eunice is doing something diabolical. She is doing...

The dark arts of mothering.

The what now? The dark arts of mothering.

Guilt, shame, fear, and the darkest art of all,

conditional love.

Mom, please. Nobody cares about your made -up thing. She's just better at

than us.

Uh -uh.

I didn't use... Any of that, and look how you turned out.

What?

Was that a compliment?

Not to you.

Okay, I'll bite.

What did you use instead?

Honesty. See, I would straight up tell you when you were being an idiot.

Oh, by the way, you're being an idiot.

Hey, Seth.

What's up, Grandma Maggie? Hey, Erin.

How about a snack?

For my good speller. Okay. But before I give it to you, I want to hear you spell

popsicle. Because I am positive you can do it.

Popsicle. P -O -P -S -Y -C -L -E.

Good try, buddy. You're only off one letter.

I'm so sorry.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Please give me another chance. I don't want to die alone.

So just how dark are these eyes?

Why is Eunice's bag on the front porch? Because she's got to go, Charlie.

Look at what she's done to these kids.

What? I don't see a problem.

Great speller, super clean, hates boys, and I smell lobster Thermidor.

Ha -ha, Charlie like.

Typical man. As long as there's a hot meal in front of him, our feelings don't

matter.

Stephanie, you don't need him, girl.

See? So Gabby's mad at me. What's new?

Watch this.

James, there's a $20 bill on the floor. And it can stay there. Money's filthy.

Why do you think they're always laundering it?

Okay, that's disturbing.

And watch this.

Aaron, sweetie, spell disturbing.

D -I -I.

I can't. It's too risky.

Mrs. Edmutter says if I get it wrong, you won't love me anymore.

She's got to go.

So you'll talk to Hoyt?

Are you kidding?

People die that way.

Oh, she sent her goon.

Come on in.

You're being monitored by security cameras.

It smells like a foot convention.

Uh, Hoyt, you got a hole in the back of your pants there. You catch a breeze

your way, I'll catch a breeze my way.

But it's only been a few days. Look how you're living.

Don't touch anything.

I need to get home. I need you to boil me.

This is my true self.

Man in his natural state.

Jealous?

Your true self has got some mustard everywhere.

Those are stains of freedom, my friend. You know who's good with stains?

Your wife.

Who could patch up those pants and your marriage.

Over here.

At your house.

Driving you nuts, too, huh?

Getting rid of that harpy is the best thing I ever did. I eat what I want, I

sleep where I want, and instead of endless chit -chat about sconces and

emotional support, I can devote my time to my real

passion, painting my presidents.

Why is Abe Lincoln crying?

Because he's married.

They're all crying.

They're all married.

Except Buchanan.

And, uh... Me!

No,

no, no, no. You're still married.

And your loving and scarily effective wife is right next door, waiting for you

to ask her to come home.

Oh, look at me.

She'd never want me.

She's gone three days and I turn into an animal?

There, there.

Stop crying.

It's creepy.

Oh, Charlie, she makes me want to be a better man. She completes me. She's the

wind beneath my wings. Oh, I miss her so much.

Then go next door and say you're sorry.

Oh, I don't miss her that much.

Kids, good.

I want to talk to you.

Um, I think Eunice may have put some ideas into your head. Better her than

man.

Gabby, I want to give you another perspective about men and relationships

all of that.

Relationships? I know that one. R -E -L... Erin, sweetie, as much as we want

to do good in school and try your hardest, it's more important you know we

you, no matter what.

I love you too, Stephanie.

Even if you did say do good in school, Superman does good.

I do well.

Why was my bag on the porch?

Is that your way of putting a helpless woman out on the street?

See, kids, this is what I was talking about. She manipulates you. What she

did, guilt.

It's one of the dark arts of motherhood.

I don't know what you're talking about. What are you talking about?

The others are shame, fear, and conditional love.

All I was trying to do was to show some gratitude for inviting me into your

home. And frankly, I feel very bad about having this kind of conversation in

front of impressionable children.

Oh, see?

Shame. She's trying to shame me by saying I'm a bad mom.

Oh, I'm not saying you're a bad mom. I'm just saying that children exposed to

this much conflict in the home end up in therapy.

Ah, fear. And then for the double fear.

Stephanie, what you're saying is mean and hurtful, and if you don't stop, I'm

afraid we can't be friends anymore.

Bam! Conditional love. Four for four.

Wow, I feel so played.

I have to remember this for when I'm a mom. Oh, no, you don't. In this family,

we parent differently.

Oh, really?

What do you use?

Honesty. And then I will honestly beat you down if you do not get out of my

house.

People die that way.

Did you study your vocabulary?

I'll do it in the car.

Yeah, no, that's fine. If you want to hang out, I can skip rehearsal.

Can, but won't.

Okay, fine. I'll go to rehearsal.

Hey, can you come to my rehearsal?

At least the kids are all back to normal.

See you later, Dad.

If there's nothing flesh -eating at school.

I didn't forget.

I like him clean.

Eunice says I have to live here now.

At four o 'clock, I'd like two eggs, coddled.

Not too coddled.

With a side of dry toast.